Tuning out chaos and hate

I have seriously gotten to the point where I am sick of reading and hearing about politics in this country.  I once liked to listen to news, but over the past year I have tuned it out.  I don't even read the newspaper on a daily basis, but prefer to catch up when I can.  Nothing but the same old stuff to read anyway.  And the media are like vultures waiting for the next blood letting to occur.  So I am shutting it out.

I know that I don't have to be in the thick of political discussions, but no matter where I go, it seems to come up.  Even on a trail ride yesterday where there was so much peace, a friend started talking about Muslims and not knowing what had happened to their religion.  I kept my mouth shut.  I don't need to get into a conversation that is going to end up polarized.  And I know that I am not going to change any minds.

One of the good things about practicing the principles of Al-Anon is that I can use them as a guide to life outside of the rooms.  And now, more than ever, I am glad that I have those principles.  Things like "How important is it?", "Never miss an opportunity to keep my mouth shut", "Take what I like and leave the rest", "THINK", and "Live and let live" come to mind.  I can tune out the chaos and the hate.

Since the last time I wrote, I have been asked to sponsor another fellow who just began in Al-Anon.  He recently separated from his alcoholic wife and is having a hard time.   The same aspects of behavior that I had are there: guilt, shame, anger, fear, obsession, anxiety.  But I know that we can work through all of these together.  I have seen it happen a number of times.  A sad person becomes a powerful person.  Willingness and trust is all it takes for us to walk together in recovery over the next months.  He seems willing and trust will come.  More will be revealed as we move forward in the steps.

I am seeing signs of spring here.  The azaleas are blooming.  The garden is looking good.  This winter has been mild for which I am glad.  I am going on the boat next week. With temperatures in the 70's, it is time to get on the water.   I hope that you are all doing well.

Are you happy living with alcoholism?

I have heard a lot of people complain about living with an alcoholic. New comers come into a meeting, and most of what is shared is how terrible their life is because they live with a drunk.  And they are right.  Living with a drunk is pretty terrible.  In fact, it is sometimes like being in a living Hell depending on how abusive the drunk is.

If those who come into a meeting are lucky enough to hear something that is akin to peace in the midst of turmoil, they might stick around for more than a few meetings. The problem all too often is that the ears are closed and the mouth is open.  Listening is not something most of us do when we find an ear of another who is living with an alcoholic.  We want to tell war stories, talk about how awful we have had it, and generally unload all of our anguish and anger on others. And when no one tells us how to fix the alcoholic, we leave to head back to the salt mines.

I know how hard it is to listen when a person is in so much emotional anguish. And blaming the alcoholic is really easy and convenient. After all, aren't they really the cause of our unhappiness?  Would not life be better if they did what we wanted? We who are long suffering would then be truly free and happy in our own skin, right?

I don't know about you, but I don't know that I really ever felt comfortable in my own skin.  I am much more used to who I am now.  I still struggle though with awareness and acceptance of myself.  And because I am in a program of recovery that teaches me to take my own inventory and clean up my side of the street, I have gotten better.  I no longer beat myself up for my short comings on a daily basis or get mired in the self pity that would last for weeks, months, years.

I read blogs in which people struggle deeply with the alcoholics/addicts in their life.  They believe that the alcoholic is to blame for their unhappiness. I thought the same thing, until one day I realized that I was actually at fault also.  I was expecting everyone else in my life to do as I wanted because I had the answers for them.  I believed that I knew what was best for my wife.  "If only, she would stop drinking. If only she would love me like I love her. If only.......". Ad nauseum.

It took me quite a while to realize that my ticket to happiness was not about her. I stubbornly refused to embrace the idea that I was contributing to unhappiness in my life.  I thought that I was blameless until I finally got to a place where I could not longer deny my culpability in our failing relationship.

I know that people have to reach a point where the tipping point occurs. It is that point where you finally are so broken, sad, demoralized, and unhappy that you realize you are the one that needs help.  And that's when the alcoholic ceases to be the center of your world.  That's when you finally surrender and start working on your own life.

Plenty of people, like me, go for decades refusing to admit that they are the ones needing help.  I wasn't ready to stop trying to control and change another.  No way was I going to stop beating my head against a wall, even though it hurt like Hell.  So if you are still out there trying to change the alcoholic and are focusing all of your energy on him/her, then keep on doing it.  Eventually, one day if you are lucky you will finally realize that it isn't going to work.  Until then, you can keep recanting the same old stuff over and over about how awful life is with an alcoholic.  And have the pity parties with other people who are in the same sinking boat.

Keep on with that and see how things end up for you after a few decades. One thing that I am glad for is that I did surrender, and I did finally get into a program of recovery.  And so did my wife.  That is the miracle of the whole thing.  And what has happened for us is an incredible change in how we treat each other.  It took us a while to understand that changes don't happen overnight. But with almost a decade in recovery, we know that each day is a gift.

I know that there are other ways to find peace and happiness in your life.  Use every tool at your disposal.  I didn't happen to find what worked until I got into the rooms of Al-Anon.  I do a lot of service work and am willing to help those who want to work the steps or share their solution.  But if you decide that you have a load of caveats to recovery, then I suggest that perhaps you aren't willing enough yet.  I am working on myself every day.  And I am willing to help you along this journey of self-discovery too. I have found happiness living with an alcoholic. And I believe that the happiness is a daily reprieve from the sadness and anxiety that we experienced before we began our journey of recovery.

There are no "musts"?

In Al-Anon, I often hear that there are no “musts”. Nobody tell others what to do about a situation. Newcomers are suggested not to make any major decisions during the first six months after coming to Al-Anon, simply because as we keep coming back and begin to get better, our perspective and attitudes change.

In healthy meetings, no one tells any one else what to do.  No one person is supposed to dominate.  And I've learned by working with those I sponsor that I can't enforce the unenforceable.

But I do know that if people are to get better and approach anything like serenity, half measures won't work. Half measures don't avail us half results; "half measures avail us nothing" (from Alcoholics Anonymous).  I heard this in a meeting a while ago: "I have to tell you from my 4 years of Half-Assing and No Musting, I think the folks that Get In, Do It, and Get Better are a WHOLE Lot Smarter than I found myself to be."

So my recovery was contingent on my working the whole program, not to cherry-pick the pieces that I liked. My sponsor told me what had worked for him and thousands of others. I took his suggestion to heart and action.  When I got stuck on a step, he described how he had gotten unstuck from the same step. 

I hear people in meetings talk about working the steps on their own. It's my opinion that trying to do these steps by ourselves constitutes attempting to fix what’s wrong with us with what’s wrong with us.  As much as we need to learn the “program”, we simply need help in it’s interpretation through the eyes and experience of someone who has made it work successfully.  

Also, I didn't want to intellectualize serenity.  I wanted a spiritual solution. If not for having an “unbiased” but caring bystander, I would not be able to see more clearly and understand those portions of myself that I have had a great deal of trouble dealing with.  And if you’re not sure what I’m referring to, there’s no doubt a sponsor or a spiritual mentor would be of great benefit.

Steps worked in solitary, are neither verifiable nor accountable, by virtue of our perversity when we first arrive. I know that I wasn't capable of applying a “program” I knew little about, and the results I would have gotten would have no doubt reflected that. 

I heard at the Al-Anon Convention this year a member say, "There are no musts in Al-Anon ... unless you want to heal and then there are twelve."

A letter to the alcoholic from an Al-Anon

I am your family member, lover, friend.  I need help. I too have been affected by the disease of alcoholism which has caused me to lose my self-esteem, self-respect and motivation in our relationship.  I am learning through Al-Anon to take a stand on behalf of myself as your parent, child, wife, lover or friend.

Don't lie to me because in doing so you only lie to yourself by accepting your lies as truth. The truth may be painful, but I must realize my own truths in rigorous honesty.  

I do not have the power to make anyone "entirely ready" to choose recovery. I am choosing recovery for me.  If you so choose, you will call on your Higher Power - the god of your understanding for this help.

Don't believe you can outsmart alcoholism. It is a progressive disease that will take you hostage, teach you to avoid responsibility and lose respect for yourself, while others will lose respect for you at the same time. It will break you to the point that you may die.

Don't try to exploit or take advantage of me because I am learning to focus and take care of myself.  I have personal boundaries and dignity and won't be an accomplice to your evasion of responsibility. I am taking responsibility for my part by working the Al-Anon program one day at a time and embracing a new way of living.

Don't lecture me, moralize, scold, praise, blame or argue whether you are drunk or sober.  I am no longer a doormat. I have moved out of the doorway and you cannot step on me anymore.  I am detaching with love: "I'll see you after my meeting.  I love you."

Don't make promises you don't intend to keep.  Let's be honest with one another. Neither of us is perfect, and I doubt we ever will be. I think that is okay.  I accept you as you are.  I can take what I like and leave the rest. Can you say the same of me? If we postpone the pain by not working on ourselves, are we happier or just stuck? We can try to run away, but I know that wherever I go, there I am.

Mostly, I am not going to have expectations of who I think you "should" be.  For me, I can have expectations that by working the steps I will find peace.  I know now that half measures will avail us nothing.  Alcoholism drove me to surrender and choose recovery. Are you ready to do the same?

Don't lose your temper with me.  I am not going to take what you say personally and am not going to react to your anger by reciprocating with rage and harboring resentments.  When I point a finger at you and take your inventory, there are four more fingers pointing back at me.  Let's communicate respectfully, and speak in the same manner we would like to be spoken to.

If one of us grows a little quicker than the other, don't let anxiety about this cause us to abandon one another or give up on ourselves because of fear, nor let it compel us to do for one another what we must do for ourselves.  Let's not tell one another how to work our programs or make threats if there are program slips or relapses. Let's allow one another the dignity to make our own choices and experience our own consequences.

Also,  let us not use words and deeds that would cause us to suffer consequences of criticism, shaming, rejection, or abandonment for not being perfect. It's cruel to attempt to reduce a person through sarcasm and harsh words.  Doing so perpetuates a crisis to our new found trust in one another and therefore, exacerbates each of our illnesses.  Let's be kind to one another.

Above all, let's not run away from reality. We each have our disease and must never forget that. The journey back to ourselves is a worthwhile one.  Alcoholism is an illness, and it can be arrested but never cured. We can start now to learn, understand and plan for our recovery in our respective programs. We may need the help of professionals - a doctor, counselor, or psychologist, another recovering person (a sponsor). But mostly we will need guidance from our Higher Power to recover and restore our being - to make us whole as individuals and with one another.  The spirit that was broken can be repaired.

We may hate ourselves yet love one another. To do nothing is the worst choice each of us can make for ourselves and those we love. Instead let's strive together for honesty, openness and willingness.

My hope is that you will see that you are worth the effort of recovery. I know that I am.

Priorities

I was just coming to from sleeping when my wife reached over, kissed me and said "I love you. See you later. I'm off to the gym." Today is training day. She likes the early shift with the personal trainer. I take the more civilized 10 AM shift because I am the night hawk. Last night, I actually turned out the lights at 11:45 PM.

We go there and stay in constant motion for an hour. Lifting, pushups, pull ups, timed planks, Peak 8 on the bike--I leave feeling euphoric because this intensity gives me an endorphin "high". I have either run, biked, rowed, swam, ridden horses, sailed, or kick boxed at some time in my life. I have to say that it has kept me fit, both physically and emotionally. It is a naturally congruent activity with recovery because I feel restored and better able to deal with what gets tossed my way by life.

It is so easy for me to slack off though and not truly push myself unless I am accountable to someone. But if someone is there taking me from one exercise to another, urging me on, I simply don't try as hard.

I talked with a fellow I sponsor about that yesterday. He and I finished up Step 12 over coffee. He was willing to do the work. After more than a quarter century in AA, he found that he needed something more. I met him at the Thursday noon Al-Anon meeting. Our energy connected, and he asked me to be his sponsor. Sponsoring a long-timer in AA can be a challenge because the programs are different.

I use a lot of AA material with my Al-Anon sponsees. They read the Big Book, the AA 12 x 12, and other AA material that I have. I use the AA fourth step inventory in addition to Al-Anon's extensive Blueprint for Progress. I believe that AA was the foundation of Al-Anon. The message is delivered a bit differently in the two programs.

I think one of the main differences that I have found between the programs is that Al-Anon has no musts--I suggest things that I would like those I sponsor to do. I am not demanding that they call every day, but I do suggest it. I don't demand that they go to more than one meeting a week but suggest it. And I don't demand that we keep moving forward one step at a time, but I suggest it.

The AA fellow I sponsor said that he would simply tell those who aren't doing the things that he asks (call every day, go to meetings, commit to a weekly schedule for step work) to find someone else who doesn't care about those things.

And herein lies the difference: I do care, but know that I cannot force anyone to do what they aren't ready to do. I tell them when they are ready to call me back, I will listen. I don't sever the connection but leave the ball in their court. I tell them that they can call me at any time. I don't pursue them over and over. I will make a call after a while when I haven't heard from them in weeks. I know that for some that phone weighs 800 pounds and is heavy to pick up! Most come back either out of desperation or when recovery resurfaces after there is a lull in whatever else they have going on.

And that is how the unmanageability of alcoholism keeps us from getting well. It seductively tells a person to stay busy with kids, husband, wife, work, play--a thousand things--rather than to take time to look at yourself. Do for others, focus on anything but the emptiness within. Stay safe within the cocoon of a chaotic life.

When I stopped filling every moment thinking about others and actually thought about myself, I realized how empty I was. Who was I? What was I beside a job, a husband, a yard man, a fixer? I had no close friends who knew the "real" me. I was a pretender.

I'm glad that I reached out, committed to doing the work with a sponsor, stayed focused on my recovery, and pass along how it worked for me to those who are willing. I am the coach who urges them along. I don't want to break them down, be a drill sergeant, but I will encourage and tell them what will happen if they follow the steps of the program. The promises of a better life will come true. And that is the truth.

P.S.--Keep those questions coming. I have gotten some good ones so far. Thanks for asking!

Willing to go to any lengths?

I'm getting ready to head out the door to meet up with a fellow that I sponsor.  We are working on being entirely ready to have God remove his defects of character.  This sixth step is about being willing.  And being willing is what seems to have been a great asset in my recovery.

Will is a strange thing.  For me,  I had run things on self-will.  I was a willful kid for sure.  My father used to tell me that I was strong willed.  I suspect that meant that I was a pain in the ass at the time.  I found that in later life my will was more about having my way and feeling that I was entitled to feel angry.  After all,  I was married to an alcoholic which seemed to give me the right to feel bad and place blame.

I was also willing to tell my wife what to do, how to be happy.  Just do what I say and all will be okay.  I thought that all my problems were because of her.  Not once did I really look at what I was doing.  And if I did, it was just for a fleeting moment so that I could get back to being a victim once again. 
 
When was I willing to go to any lengths?  It was when I my pain finally wiped out my self-management delusions.  What I was doing wasn't working.  My wife wasn't getting sober.  I was miserable.  Nothing was working for me, except work itself.  And there I could tell others what to do and have things neat and orderly.

So complete and utter desperation brought about my being willing to do something different and believe that something that was beyond what I was doing might be a better solution. 

And once I was willing to reach out,  I had to take some actions.  I had to stop pretending that I had things under control.  I had to be honest with my sponsor and others.  I had to be the person that I really am, rather than the person that I wanted others to see.   Being authentic is not easy for me, but I gradually began to share my own weaknesses, to be honest about my feelings.  And the miracles began to happen.

So I ask those that want me to sponsor them, "Are you willing to do the work?"  Sometimes the answer is a strong "YES".  And sometimes, even saying yes and believing it is followed by "It's too hard" or "I have trouble trusting".  Some are willing to do some things but aren't willing to go to any lengths.  Caveats often are the rule rather than the exception, unless I'm willing to go to any lengths.

I have had to ask myself when I start to falter in recovery:
Am I willing to be open and honest?
Am I willing to stop isolating and actually call someone, extend a hand, grasp a hand? 
Am I willing to stop making excuses about why I can't do something and come up with reasons why I can?
Am I willing to break free from what holds me back in being at peace with who I am?

I have found that I am willing to do these things.  And I will keep doing them because I don't want to go back to being the miserable person I was a few years ago.  Yes, I am willing. 

More on motives

It rained last night which brought some relief from the heat.  And this morning the raccoons are running up and down their tree out in the wetland.  I have a feeding station where all kinds of animals come to eat. A little doe has been coming to feed in the morning and evening.  She now has started to lose her spots.  It's peaceful to watch the animals and know that they have a safe haven here.

Last night's meeting was on motives and how we are driven by fear, anxiety, past experiences, control, and manipulation when dealing with others.  I don't think that I looked at my motives in a conscious way until about two years ago.  I reacted to situations without a thought of what I was doing.  I have come to realize that my negative reactions in the alcoholic situation were about ego based shame and past experiences. 

Fear for most of us is a huge issue around active drinking. It manifests as nagging, questioning, berating, and outbursts of anger.  Not being able to relax in social settings because I was counting every drink builds up a lot of resentment.  Examining my motives was an extremely powerful tool in discovering why I did what I did and said what I said.   I would blame my anger and sadness on the alcoholic, never bothering to look at what I was doing. 

When I undertook the job of checking my motives and focusing on myself I discovered that my motives were far from honorable.   They were self-serving because I was trying to manipulate others into loving me and being the way that I thought they should be.  I didn't understand this behavior before Al-Anon because I believed that these actions were justified and the tools of survival.  I still slip at times and want to punish instead of let go. 

Self-examination is an important tool. All of the old motives can be replaced by courage, humility, love and compassion for myself and others if I remain aware and willing. 

Hope that you are having a good Wednesday.  So far so good for me.

Dreams

Art walk on Friday night was so cool.  ran into some friends and got a chance to catch up.  Downtown was breezy and surprisingly cool.  We only went into three galleries, but there was much to see.  I thought that there was some world class art.  Very inspiring. I feel as if I would like to start painting again.  But I would need to start from scratch.  I haven't done any painting since the early days of graduate school.  I have my old kit but doubt if any of it is any good.  A lot of excuses about not doing it, but there is an awakened passion for doing it.  More will be revealed, I'm sure.

Yesterday, it rained and was a good soaking rain.  The garden is still yielding tomatoes and eggplants. I will get out there and weed this week.  With the raised beds, it isn't as much of a chore as it would be with rows on the ground. 

I went to an open AA meeting last night and Appendix II--Spiritual Experience from the Big Book was read and discussed.  It is no coincidence that the Al-Anon meeting on Thursday was about having a spiritual awakening.  I cannot remember reading Appendix II before.  But reading "Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery" sure says it all. 

I have been having a lot of dreams lately about my wife and my father.  They are both drinking or drunk.  I am looking for them and have to search and search until I find them in a bar.  I have had these dreams before, and they are unsettling.  I awake and shake off the feeling of the dream.  But having these dreams night after night up until this weekend suggests anxiety in my subconscious. 

And there are other dead relatives in these dreams as well.  All sitting around or walking in and out of rooms. What are they trying to tell me?  One morning I awoke and thought, "Is this the transition to death for me?".   I don't think that it is, but such dreams are so real that they are unsettling.  I remember my mother telling me a couple of days before she died suddenly about her dream of dancing with my father.  Her dream was a happy dream, filling her with delight.  These dreams of mine were not happy but filled with angst and seeking.  I am glad that for now, my dreaming mind is free of them. 

We are off to do some things about town.  Maybe we will go to see a movie about the loggerhead turtle later.  The day is ahead, and it appears to be full of promise.  Hope that yours is also.

Photos and other things on Tuesday

  

I'm posting some photos from the oyster roast that I went to on Sunday.  

This is the plantation house on whose grounds the festival was held. You may recognize it from Gone With the Wind. 

 
Here is where the massive oyster cooking occurs.

 

She was one of the contestants in the oyster eating contest. She didn't win. 

  

All the shells get recycled to be used as new habitat for oysters,

  The shucked product ready to eat.

And there was even some elephant ears (guess who is eating this one?) and other great food for those who didn't want oysters. The local Restaurant Association prepares a lot of good stuff for this event.

This year there were about 11, 000 people at the festival.   And the proceeds go to help a number of local charities.  That's a really good thing.

I was still tired from the weekend. So after the conference, I went home which is located on an island next to the one where the conference was held.  I slept for 9 hours which was luxurious.  Today I feel much more rested. 

Tonight I'm going to a meeting and having dinner with a sponsee before the meeting.  We will continue our discussion on Step Four.  This step takes some time in Al-Anon.  He is working through the Step Four work book Blueprint for Progress. I can remember his fear when someone told him at a meeting that "It is too hard to write all that stuff down. These questions bring up things from the past that are just too painful." 

I assured him that it wasn't bad.  And that this inventory is for those of us who are entirely willing. The painful parts of the past are in our heads anyway, whether we write them down or not.  Writing out the answers to the questions is not meant to be a new Stephen King novel but will reveal those things which are already known to us.  This is a “fact-finding and fact-facing process.” (BB p64).

I found that this step helped me to unlock the memories that I wanted to forget.  By letting those old memories see the light of day, I saw that there was a new way to deal with things--without fear and without having to repeat the past.

In the book, Courage to Change,  there is a reference to Step 4 and self-esteem. Any resistance that I may have about this step (or any other) may be something that I need to examine.  I am thankful that my sponsees have been willing and courageous to move forward with this step.  It is not a novel that we are writing.  It is the truth about ourselves. 

Entirely ready

"So Step Six - "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character" - is A.A.'s way of stating the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job. This does not mean that we expect all our character defects to be lifted out of us as the drive to drink was. A few of them may be, but with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement. The words "entirely ready" underline the fact that we want to aim at the very best we know or can learn. "
- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 65

I like step study meetings and last night's home group topic was Step Six. I've shared about this step before. In my early days in the program, I was asked by my sponsor to estimate the number of character defects that I had. I smugly said "about 12". He chuckled.

Later, I understood the chuckle, when I wrote out my list of character defects and found to my amazement that I had 51 on my list. I went over those defects that I'd put on paper and asked myself which ones was I ready to be rid of and which ones I was clinging to. I put 51 small pieces of paper with each character defect listed in my God Box.

Each day as I would pull out a different defect, I would pray for the willingness to let it go. Those that I was still clinging to would go back in the box. And I would ask myself if I was willing to give up that defect in order to be happy. I still have a few of those defects that I haven't gotten rid of. I'm still clinging to them like a security blanket.

I know that one of these days these defects will be ones that I am entirely ready to have God remove. But those defects that I'm not aware of are the ones that will be sticking with me for a long time. That's why my sponsor thought that it was important to be really thorough in listing the defects.

Last night my sponsor and I talked about some defects that still hang with me: fear of rejection, controlling behavior, selfishness, dishonesty. And we talked about how we can choose to either beat ourselves up over these defects or choose spiritual release without self-condemnation.

Here are some positive thoughts about being entirely ready:
1. I'm entirely ready to let go of my self-hate and negative beliefs about myself. I am ready to acknowledge the good things about myself.
2. I am ready to delight in those things that bring me joy and not withhold from myself love, happiness, and enjoyment in life.
3. I am ready to let go of those things that I can't control or that stand in the way of my true happiness.

So this is my take on being entirely ready: when I truly feel that a trait of mine (say, selfishness) has outlived its usefulness, I will do my best to become willing to let go of it. It's an attitudinal shift that's called for; I have to be willing to let go of my old way of doing things, before new ways will occur to me.

Agitations

"As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day 'Thy will be done.' "
(p. 87-8 BB)

There's been some drama with sponsees lately. One that just started with me a week ago has had the hardest go of it. He is in turmoil from living with a crack addict and finally asked her to leave. He is starting to take care of himself, although the focus hasn't shifted yet from the addict to himself.

Another sponsee is working his way out of the darkness into the light. He is doing this because the quote from the BB above has started to make sense. (Note: I use the Big Book quite a lot with sponsees. There is so much that is applicable to those of us who have bad thinking and not bad drinking).

I see in both of these men the agitation and confusion that alcoholism has brought into their lives. They have tried unsuccessfully to fight back when agitated. But this has only brought more suffering and damage to themselves. I found that agitation itself is dark. I can't sleep when agitated; I can't think clearly; I'm not spiritual--in short, I'm a mess.

I've taken something that someone has said to me and worried with it until I was beyond agitated. My mind will ask "What did they mean? What if they meant this? What should I do now?" I've projected and built up some scenarios that would likely never come true. But with my stinking thinking, I made them seem true.

But if I can just take a breath, pause, and quit re-examining some thought over and over, then I have a chance to get into the light. I can see that the light is starting to creep into the hearts and minds of these sponsees. I think when I was ready to be willing, to trust and to feel some gratitude, that's when I was able to move from the dark agitation into the light.

"When the dark is at rest,
the light begins to move."
The Secret of the Golden Flower

If I reach for dark revelations,
they're always there to find,
But too often dark protestations
defend dark recesses found only in my mind.

Yin and Yang, dark and light interdigitate
in myriad, moving complexes so real.
I reach for the light to illuminate
and hide from the dark that I feel.
Jody Hopkins

Experience, strength and hope

Monday has rolled around again. I'm healed enough to be back at work which is a good thing in many ways. I've got some catching up to do from missing a few days last week, but it all seems doable.

Tonight I get to share my experience, strength and hope at one of the AA meetings as the Al-Anon speaker. It's this group's annual Christmas party which means that there will be a lot of great food. I was honored to be asked to say a few words. I remember going last year and listening to a couple of great speakers. I thought then that it took a lot of recovery to be able to get up and share in front of a group. Now I realize that it takes willingness to show up and just speak from my heart.

My story isn't a horror story. It's probably rather tame. I didn't get molested, I didn't get arrested, I didn't go through a bunch of wives, I don't have any children who make my life miserable, I didn't lose my job, I didn't try to kill myself--well, you get the drift. I'm just your plain vanilla Al-Anoner who decided that there was something more to life than feeling angry and hateful.

I realize that my journey continues. But I can also look back and see how far I've come. I now have a sturdy foundation on which to build the rest of my life. I realize that God has done for me what I could not do for myself.

Another sponsee gone

I got a call from a sponsee last night. He started about 4 weeks ago with me. He seemed willing and wanting to work but for a couple of weeks I had begun to notice that he wasn't doing much of what was suggested.

I like to have daily contact with a sponsee for a while. That happened at first but then there would only be a call if he was down. And then there was the reading of the first four chapters of the BB. That wasn't happening nor was he reading over the printed material that I had given him. As far as answering the questions about unmanagability, that was getting no where either.

So I suppose it wasn't surprising when he called last night to say that he had met with his therapist who said that he wasn't ready for the steps yet. The therapist is a member of Al-Anon and goes to one of the meetings that I attend. And he has decided to go to church in order to connect with his HP. He said that he felt bad about not continuing but thought that he could get better without having to do so much "homework".

I'm learning that the sponsor-sponsee path is a bit like getting into a business relationship or a job hire. A person needs to choose a sponsor by seeing if they like what the sponsor has to say or if they can relate to the sponsor. And the sponsor may need to assess how it feels when they first get together. In this relationship though there is no application form or resume to see up front. There is only the fact that the sponsee has asked for help in working the steps. I see my job as providing guidance and the proper tools for a person to work the steps. It's hard to assess the level of motivation and commitment at first because often people are in such pain. It's only after they become less emotional that sponsor and sponsee can begin to get a sense of what may lie ahead.

What I've seen with the last four sponsees is that they are willing to work when their pain is acute. And that if you'll sponsor a person, he will be eternally grateful. I think these people really mean what they say at the time. They are hurting and needing to grab hold of a life life. But what seems to happen is that eventually as the pain and immediate crisis subsides, the willingness becomes lessened, and the sponsee decides to ignore the things that are suggested.

I am learning that there are many people in Al-Anon who go to meetings and think that is all that has to be done. And I'm learning that those who say that they so desperately want to work the steps, may think that they do, until it's time to do the work. I don't know whether the approach of letting things die a natural death is best when the sponsee isn't working the program or whether explicitly stating the conditions under which I will continue to sponsor is better. This is something that I'm not sure about because I feel a strong sense of duty to the program and to help those who ask, even if they decide that the steps aren't for them.

So last night, I just said that when you're ready to work the steps, I or someone else will be there to guide you. No door is ever shut totally on someone who is willing.

I'm not trying to figure it out

There are lots of good books for those interested in Al-Anon. I have three daily readers that I go through in the evening. For some reason, I prefer to end my day with the readings. It's the quietest time of the day for me and the time that I have to myself. The readings seem to help me get to sleep peacefully.

I have most of the Al-Anon books: Pathways to Recovery, How Al-Anon Works, and Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses. But I don't think that I would have gotten much from this program by just reading the books. I've had to learn the program by doing it and following what others taught me.

I am glad that I was willing to listen and to learn. I am grateful for being able to take the program one step at a time. I was eager to not just read about the program but to work it. And gradually by doing what I was told to do--get a sponsor, work the steps, take my inventory and make amends, pray to do His will, and carry the message to others--I am finding that I can live the program and apply it to my every day life. That's a really comforting thing.

More practice, less analysis

I have to admit that I'm not a slouch in the brains department. But sometime over the past ten years my focus on intellectualism got diverted. It didn't seem important to keep up an intellectual appearance. I think that I became more and more humble as a listlessness pervaded me while dealing with my alcoholic and a marriage that was going no where. Hell, I felt as if I were going no where too. Not growing, not doing anything but putting one foot in front of the other.

Now I have a sponsee who intellectualizes everything. I recognize an earlier version of myself before my ego was crushed. I'm wondering how to reach this 24 year old person and get past the academic facade. He talks, I talk, I listen and he talks some more. But the talk seems to be a parroting of what one would read in a book. In other words, it doesn't seem sincere or ring true.

This is a thinking program no doubt, but I believe that the feeling part of the program is the most powerful aspect. I can read daily readers, I can read How Al-Anon Works but until I am ready to listen and am willing to let my ego stop running things, then I'm just going to be regurgitating words from a book.

An AA friend of mine calls this "analysis paralysis". I think that is an appropriate description. This is a simple program but no one ever said it was an easy program. Just become willing, get honest, and have a dose of humility. It works wonders.

Removing these defects of character

My character defects are getting removed from the God box one day at a time. A couple of them are still overwhelming so I put them back in the box and substitute another that I can address. I can see the ways that these defects have been an impediment in my life. I’ve clung to them in hopes that they would get me through life. Now I’ve found that they were largely the reason that living life never felt satisfactory and happy.

In my readings I find that the key principle of Step Six is readiness. Am I ready to get rid of those things that have cost me dearly? Am I ready to have a new life in which I try to be the best that I can be? I know that I am. I don't want to cling to those things that haven't worked. I can feel now what works. I know that not all of the defects will be removed immediately. They have been entrenched in my psyche for a long time. This is a lifelong process for me.

I don't feel entrenched in the resentments, fear, self-pity, or envy of the past. There are still things that I'm dealing with in my personal relationship regarding dishonesty. I am struggling with how to tell someone who loves me a great deal that I no longer feel the same type of love that I did before. But as this step states, I just need to be entirely ready and willing to have my HP to guide me as I give up the things that have blocked my mind and heart.

Not enough time

I did the best to catch up on things today at work. It seemed like a hopeless task. Luckily for having email on the ship, I was able to get most things handled through that. I'm leaving to get on the ship tomorrow so it was a repeat drill of last time, just trying to get with staff and go over things.

The best part of the day was catching the noon meeting. The topic was willingness. It was a good one and there was a lot of good sharing. As someone said, "I don't have evidence for whether there really is a God. Maybe at the end I'll find out, but I don't really care. I know what I believe now and that's all that matters."

Roundup impressions

I went to the first speaker session at 8 PM last night. The roundup is being held on an island that has a lot of resort homes but also has the feeling of a small town. It definitely is one of my favorite places to visit. Beautiful old trees, the ocean right there, and not too many McMansions.

There were a lot of people outside talking and smoking when I got there. My sponsor knew several people so I was introduced. For a moment, I thought that I might be at a work conference because except for the location, number of smokers and the dress, everyone was wearing name tags and talking in various groups. The major difference was that you could meet someone at this meeting and not be asked "Well, what's your specialty?" or "Did you see the paper by .....". There was no posturing and arrogance. I felt comfortable and glad to see so many happy faces.

The speaker was an ex-cop from South Philly. He was engaging and funny. For me to consider some of the things that he has done and to be able to speak and mostly laugh about them, well, it is just hard to imagine. He had a defiant and difficult past, all of which seemed to revolve around fear and not fitting in. These are common themes that come up over and over again from listening and reading. They are the basic behavioral foundation for so many people in AA and Al-Anon. How he came to surrender and eventually work through the steps and traditions seemed a miracle considering his circumstances and how far down he had gone.

As I listened and absorbed, I thought what a courageous thing to be able to stand in front of so many strangers and bare your soul. It's still hard for me to speak about some things without a great deal of pain. Laughter will hopefully come some day but for now I'm just satisfied to be able to talk in my meetings. I've had to talk in front of big audiences before but not about anything personal. It's always been impersonal and factual. Speaking to impress and having to have answers to questions asked was how I gave a talk. I was at least very willing to admit when I didn't know something.

What I know now is that I'll never have all the answers to the important questions. I've not ever known all the answers to many of the hypotheses that I deal with in my work. How can I ever hope to provide even the remotest of answers to the questions that I've sought all my life? There was a speaker at a work seminar the other day who urged those attending to provide information from our research with more certainty. Many of us were wondering how we can do that when every result that we get just leads to more questions. I think that is what the program does also. We may think that we are secure and well-fixed in the program and then something will come along to show us that we don't have all the answers. It's the HP's way of keeping us humble. The wonderful part about just living in general is that if we accept that we won't ever have all the answers then we are so amazed when we hear something that adds a bit more knowledge. I've always said that if I ever stopped learning, then it's time to hang it up. I'm looking forward to absorbing more knowledge about "how it works" as the roundup continues.

My sponsor

When I went to my first Al-Anon meeting, I met a lot of people who were welcoming and kind. I listened but didn't understand what I was hearing. I was told to "Keep coming back" which I did. At the next meeting, I met the person B. who became my sponsor. It was one of those moments of clarity that I've had throughout my life when I sense a kindred spirit and someone with whom I feel comfortable.

Anyway, as I attended more and more meetings, I learned that most of the people attending were all sponsored by one person. Although I had originally been approached by this person about being sponsored, I didn't feel the level of comfort that I did with B. Instead what I observed was a great deal of control being exerted in spite of the wisdom and experience that was obviously present.

I made a decision (and jumped) to ask B. to be my sponsor. I followed my gut feeling and found an individual who I can talk to about anything, who isn't judgmental, who is working with me on the steps, and who has years in the program. I am also pleased to call this person my friend.

Having a sponsor is critical in my opinion. I've been to meetings in which there are people who have been four years or more in the program and don't have a sponsor. One guy has 16 years in AA and 6 years in Al-Anon and never has worked the steps for either program. Something is obviously working for them. I knew though that I couldn't do this alone or with just going to meetings. I needed some guidance from another Al-Anon person. I think that my HP put me in the presence of someone on this earth who was just the person that I needed.

I have made calls to B. when things seemed unbearable. I've made calls just to share something good. I've made calls to ask questions. I've made calls because I wanted to make sure B. was okay. I appreciate the time that it has taken to work with me. I've been willing to do what it takes to get peace and serenity. It will always be a work in progress but I know that I have the beginning of a firm foundation because of what B. has shared with me.

You know that you're recovering when.....

I've been talking with my sponsor about the great peacefulness that I've been feeling. It is lasting for days now instead of just a few hours that I used to have. My sponsor thinks that the peaceful feeling is due to acceptance and my willingness in the program. So I thought that I'd post some things that I think are indicative of recovery. I'm sure that most of you can think of many more. Just add them if you want to.

You know that you're recovering when:

1. You get up in the morning and actually look forward to the day

2. You can have conversations with your alcoholic that have nothing to do with alcohol.

3. You can laugh again and actually mean it.

4. You can actually sleep through the night.

5. You enjoy your own company

6. You can walk away from arguments without buying into them.

7. You can be around alcohol at parties without becoming anxious

8. You have learned to say No to things in order to simplify your life.

9. You don't feel guilty about saying No.

10. You're not dwelling on the past or anticipating the future but just enjoying today.

A year ago I wouldn't have thought that the things above were possible since I was so stuck in my self pity and denial. Although I've gotten better, I still know that the journey is a life long process.

"A big step toward maturing is to realize that I cannot change conditions by running away from them. I can only change my point of view about them and their relationship to me--and this can be done only by changing myself." (from One Day at a Time, p. 214)