Yesterday was a rough day. I went to the hospital to visit. C. was tired and irritable. There had been a number of visitors and she simply wanted to sleep. I could feel a bit of rejection coming up as I wanted her to be happy to see me. I knew that she was tired and that it isn't about me.
A few minutes ago, she called to tell me that she may be discharged. Instead of being happy, I felt a sense of dread as I came to the realization that I did not want to be a caretaker for 24/7. I know how selfish that seems and unrealistic as well. She is getting stronger every day, and the doctors want her to get up and walk. Getting out of the hospital will be good for her. I know these things, so why the feeling of dread?
At the meeting last night, we talked about letting go. In the midst of difficult times, it is important to recognize that trust and faith will carry me through. I really have nothing to fear. A disruption to the normal flow of our lives is not something that will be permanent.
And an Ativan would not hurt!
ReplyDeleteNo, seriously. It's very hard to be someone's caretaker. Even someone you love with all of your heart. But it is part of our lives- part of the different waters of the river of our lives.
As you know.
I am just so very glad that C. is able to come home.
I so needed this post, Syd. I understand the dread. very well. Thinking about you, wishing you both strength through these adjustments.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty Syd. It is inspiring.
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling you, brother. Today my alcoholic learned his mother was near death. Debating on when to fly down to FL to be with her.
ReplyDelete*Cheaper flight tomorrow. * Should I join him. * He would sleep on the floor, but he knows I would not. * His sister will be there. His aunt is already there. * He should just go NOW. * Don't talk to me, I'm driving.*
The future is a scary place. We just don't know what will happen. I'm "going with the flow", I'm letting the arrows bounce off me, because it's not about me. I'm will to do what needs to be done. This too shall pass.
These are the ideals I'm hanging my hat on, for now. God bless you brother.
yeah man...totally get teh flowing water...its easy to fall into habits quick and while it has come with the stress of her being in the hospital you foudn a new routine for the time period...and now it will change again...
ReplyDeleteYou feel what you feel, and it's all ok, Syd. If you begin to feel overwhelmed, you can seek help - home nursing. Not everyone is able to do what's involved in caretaking an ill person, and that isn't a reflection upon our character. We are good at some things, and not at others.
ReplyDeletei think u might be intimidated bc u r a natural caretaker and by default take on too much responsibility, so for some1 like u, it cld become a BIG task, because you have such high expectations of yourself.
ReplyDeleteie the better a caretaker you are, the more you ask of yourself from the task.
flowing water is a great idea.
just take the time u need to recharge and u will not be overwhelmed by care responsibilities.
ask others for offers of respite when needed. no harm in asking..
good for you syd, you are handling this really well :)
Good news that C is getting out of the hospital. Good luck to both of you as you both face the challenges.
ReplyDeletePeople are pushed out of the hospital so soon, these days. It is criminal, really, to expect loved ones to care for fragile people. I have no idea how old C is, but Medicare will pay for short term rehab care.
ReplyDeleteIt is scary taking care of the sick. I do it for a living, and I dread taking care of loved ones.
I love the photo. I know just how much the thought of going with the flow helps me. I call it floating, and I imagine floating on a raft, basking in the sun.
Peace, and prayers,
Jane
We work so hard to stop taking care of other people that when we do have to do it it makes us nervous. We think we will slip back into our old ways. It just temporary and with love we heal faster. Take care of yourself first with breaks so you can bring you best self to the table. One day at a time.
ReplyDelete"Ambivalence: suggests strong feelings in opposition." ... the shrink in Girl Interrupted.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your honesty, and admire the things you want. I love the three A's: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. Your post reminds me of this today. Thank you for writing. Best wishes for C's progressive health.
ReplyDeleteSyd, I'm glad to know that C is well enough to be discharged. It's positive news for her health. I hear your concerns about being a caretaker. My husband is 17 years older than I, and sometimes I find myself worrying about what will happen in the future if I have to be his caretaker... It's important for me to stay in the present. I sometimes even put myself on a five-minute basis of staying present. much love to you and C, --G
ReplyDeleteI understand the dread felt when 24/7 care taking comes up. It is a learning experience to take care of myself in these situations without feeling like I have to give my entire being to help. I was an emotional caretaker for my mother as a young child, it was an incredible sacrifice to take care of an adult.
ReplyDeleteBut I have boundaries today and I am not someone else's HP. It is important for me to realize I have the program and HP who will guide me. The tonglen practice in Buddhism might be of assistance for you.
http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/tonglen1.php
Syd,
ReplyDeleteWhat an excellent image of "going with the flow" --- I will try to use that one if you don't mind.
Thank you for giving voice to the sense of dread that many of us feel when faced with change, especially when some caretaking may be involved.
Wishing you and C patience and love as you both find your way through this time :)
She'll probably sleep a lot as she continues to recover, Syd. That may provide you a break.
ReplyDeleteI am happy to hear that C. is being released. She must be really progressing.
Love you, buddy. Hang in there. This too shall pass.
i think the hovering is a symptom of restlessness. rather than give in to the feelings of restlessness, try to channel the restlessness via ? exercise or some healthy movement or other.
ReplyDeletethe truth is u r just more concious of yr processes. anger is very common amongst caretaker syet few r concious enough to admit it ti themselves. its very common, and many can become abusive because they do not see the anger as clearly as u do. its just a process. try to ? abide compassionately with your restlessness and yr anger. "The door of my heart is open to you restlessness, come in. Welcome :) " and "The door of my heart is open to you self pity and anger, come in. Welcome :) "
ie show compassion to these divisive and conflicted inner states. Compassion toward ! everything you see.. the anger the self pity.. everything :)
Its all just a process, and you are navigating yours much more consciously than most so well done :)
Ajahn Chah used to say "The nicest thing you can do for another human being is to be still and calm"
another one i love is:
"If your house is flooded or burnt to the ground, whatever the threat to it, let it concern only the house. If there's a flood, don't let it flood your mind. If there's a fire, don't let it burn your heart. Let it be merely the house, that which is outside of you, that is flooded or burned. Now is the time to allow the mind to let go of attachments." Venerable Ajahn Chah.
Syd your honesty will save you, my friend... I regret that I haven't kept up with your posts and I apologize.
ReplyDeleteYou and C have been in my thoughts.