I just read a post by Lou that makes me sad. No matter how hard I try, it is hard for me to not have some spark of an expectation for others. And with that spark, I set myself up for a big fall. I don't know that words of comfort can make the anxiety go away, the second guessing of what went wrong, the heartache of disappointment. But I am sure that Lou would appreciate some positive thoughts if you are so inclined.
I see so many joys that people have with their children. And then I see the heartache that can come. Maybe my wife and I had some prescient notion that for us to have children would have been disastrous. I remember the words of a friend telling me that it wasn't the birth that one had to worry about, it was the life.
And the life is a flow that can't be controlled. It moves and twists, travels rapidly or barely makes progress. A million circumstances can intervene so that in a second all is altered. Frankly, I did not have the courage to have children. I knew that I would not have been a good parent--too little patience, too much hovering, too much anxiety. And the idea of loss would have been too much to handle, hanging like the sword of Damocles over my head all the time.
I am in awe of those who have the courage to bring children into the world, love them, provide for them, and treat them with respect. It has to be one of the most difficult "jobs" to be a parent. Wanting to protect your child from all the hurts of the world, yet knowing that through the hurts, the child will grow stronger--or not, has got to be hard. We both had enough pain in our own childhood to not want to repeat the history.
The growth from child to adult is a miracle no matter what happens. And I do believe that there are miracles happening for each of us. Don't give up before one comes into your life.
Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be. ~Shel Silverstein
having kids is one crazy adventure...it certainly has its moments that make you wonder what you must have been thinking but i would not trade it for the world...
ReplyDeleteThank you. I needed all of that. Especially the Shel Silverstein.
ReplyDeleteNothing has tested me more than being a parent.
ReplyDeleteOh Syd, thank god we all didn't rationally think things through....the world would stop being. Because if I had given it half of a real thought other than, "Oh my gosh look at how cute those chubby legs are" I would have missed out on all of this growth!
ReplyDeleteSome of us just jumped in with the very best of intentions and love filling our hearts and blindly made our way forward....and here we are.
Bless you Syd for caring so much. I am so sad about our blogger friend too. Ugh...there are just no words, other than, "shit." That one feels pretty good right about now.
Thank you, Syd. You are a good friend.
ReplyDeleteI believe you would have been a wonderful father.
I agree, it's a miracle...
ReplyDeleteThe problem Syd in most cases is not what happens while the kid is growing up but when they start to make their own choices. I do not feel bad for any choice my kids have made whether I agree with them or not and to be honest when they were teenagers I didn't waste my time arguing with them about what they wanted to do either. By then they knew right from wrong or not.
ReplyDeleteYou chose to not have kids and that was your choice, but in my opinion it was a choice motivated by fears placed on you through external circumstance that you internalized.
My father was a prick, but you know what? I never became my father. In my opinion you and your wife should have had kids because it would have added some intelligence into the gene pool instead of the constant dumbing down we see now.
But in the end if you are finding touches and traces of contentment that are leading you to that full blown land of "At peace with my self" then no matter if you had kids or not makes little difference you are finding the place you need to come to.
There is a reason that the young have children. If we had time to really think it over in absence of hormonal urges, the human race would be extinct.
ReplyDeleteLou's post brings me back to my own reality. We have today.
ReplyDeleteThanks for saying it, Syd. I have often said the same thing about myself not being good parent material, and maybe as a woman there is also some sort of stigma attached too not wanting to birth no babies. I don't regret not having kids in the least. As another childless person in Al-Anon said; "at least I didn't bring another Adult Child (of an alcoholic) into the world."
ReplyDeleteI made the decision not to have kids because I knew the statistics for the severely abused to turn into abusers themselves, and I didn't want to keep that cycle going. I've never regretted it.
ReplyDeleteOh my, Syd - - - I seldom 'reach over' into others' blogging; but I could not resist the pathos in your words about Lou. I had to see what was happening. I am crying now, especially after I saw the precious baby picture at the end. Some of us carry much the same pain even for children who do not have a chemical or alcohol problem. It has only been through much time and service in Al-Anon and hearing others' sharings, that I have been able to accept the rejection of one of my children. I will keep Lou and Andrew in my prayers for peace, understanding, and patience for each passing day.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you
Anonymous#1