The spiritual aspect of Al-Anon promises that my life will be transformed. I will become a mature, responsible individual with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment and wonder. I will discover that I am both worthy of love and loving. I have been mature and responsible since I was a kid because I had to be. Being worthy of love is something that has come much harder. I am glad to not believe the voices in my head that seek to sabotage love and loving.
I used to think about what my life might have been without having alcoholism be a part of it. Because I don't know anyone who has not had someone in their family who was dysfunctional in some form, I wonder whether there are any true "normies" out there. Mostly, I think that we are all messed up in some way and just trying our best to get by.
It has been a rough time once again with the in-laws. But amazingly, both have rallied and are doing better today. It is easy to develop anxiety over what is happening as the parents become more frail and sick. Tonight, after hearing shares about not hanging on to life's burdens, I felt much lighter. In fact, it felt as if I had given a lot of the anxiety over to the "light". I thought of it as the same golden light that I saw this morning and this evening as I watched the sun and moon rise and set.
I can't change the course of life's progression towards death. It is something that will come, be grieved, and released. Just knowing that I have been through the death of both my parents and survived helps me to be able to hold my wife and comfort her. I don't want to see her in pain. But I can no more take away her pain than I can change the movement of the moon and the sun. Tonight, I feel that we will be okay. She is sleeping quietly. And tomorrow is another day.
Such a lovely meditative post Syd -- and acceptance can bring peace.
ReplyDeletei am glad they are doing better...seeing parents struggle is hard...and having walked through the death of my MIL i have been there as well...walk on man...
ReplyDeleteI like your definition better Syd. There need not be any solemnity to meditation. The key s getting all the conflicting voices to shut the hell up and one at a time let them speak then when they begin to make no sense(usually from the first word) without hesitation kill them. They are only there because you hold the source of them in a living memory.
ReplyDeleteOne can never forget but one does not have to allow all memory to be as if it was just yesterday that it was born.
Thanks for the ever needed reminder to meditate. Thats a part of my program I neglect way too often.
ReplyDeleteI am sure you are a great comfort to your wife, she is lucky to have you!!
I am sure you are a blessing to your in-laws - and to your wife.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff, Syd. The passing (and therefore the end) of our relationship with a parent is a profound experience.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful reflection today! Thanks Syd!
ReplyDeleteI think that we are all messed up in some way and just trying our best to get by.
ReplyDeleteAmen, Syd. I believe you are right.
Life and death. You will be there for your wife, Syd. You have walked the path and know where all the bumps are. Meditation is good for the soul. Thanks for sharing. :)
ReplyDeleteWonderful how you are able to be there for her parents. It's hard to watch them struggle...so hard.
ReplyDeleteI have to remember that the mother I have today is not the same mother I had before. It takes time to get there.
Syd, You are a wordsmith. Lovely perspective and great reminders.
ReplyDeleteI have always been extremely responsible but now I know that doesn't always equal mature.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post, thank you. I also find that peace and serenity by being surrounded by nature. I can relate to those voices in our heads that are ready to sabotage any moment. It is comforting to be in a good place to be able to handle anything that comes our way, such as a death of a loved family member. Being strong for ourselves allows us to be strong for those we love. One day at a time.
ReplyDelete"Joseph's Coat of color", Syd, that is biblical! :)
ReplyDeleteI needed this today. Thank you.