The confusion may be relating to the levels of ammonia building up in his brain. So he is being given lactulose to try and remedy that condition. Cirrhosis of the liver inhibits removal of ammonia, a byproduct of protein breakdown, which then builds up and causes confusion.
My wife has not gone to see her father yet. She says that she simply isn't ready to see him. Today she flew to DC to pick up a lifetime achievement award for her scientific work. I talked to her a few minutes ago, and she said that it was a nice ceremony. I know that she needed this break for just a couple of days to see colleagues, friends, and former students. She also said that she wants to see her dad when she gets back. I think that will be a good idea.
I know that each of us has to deal with uncomfortable situations in our own time. I know that I want her to visit her dad. But I won't tell her what to do. I would like for her to have a sponsor. I feel strongly that having a sponsor is important in recovery. But how she works her program is not my business.
It's good that I have learned to keep my mouth shut, even when sometimes I have to bite my tongue hard. It is so tempting to direct the lives of others. Allowing her to make the choices that she wants without interference from me keeps us on good terms with each other. It allows her to figure out what works without my interference. And that makes life a lot easier.
"Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut". ~Winston S. Churchill
Adam tried to tell Eve to get a sponsor. She did not listen.
ReplyDeleteTurned out that Adam did not have one either...of course, I'm just guessing!
I like your advice to yourself...and to me. Thanks Syd.
One of the most difficult things to do when it comes to those you love, but so very true. Each of us learns from our own mistakes or making the right choices. When we concentrate on keeping our side of the street clean, it inspires others to do the same.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your FIL's confusion cropping up. He's surrounded by people who care about him. (Hugs)Indigo
fabulous post. You must work a great program. Using program tools to interrupt natural traps in thinking is a gift.
ReplyDelete"A lifetime achievement award for her scientific work?" Who the heck are you guys?! ;)
ReplyDeleteYou are so wise to step back and let her work these issues out in her own time. Bless your heart Syd. When she does decide the time is right, it will be authentic and something that is her's...not something birthed out of external pressure or guilt.
Loved the Churchill quote. I try to keep my hands out of other people's pockets, and when I'm feeling too tempted, will find a way to detach myself for a bit, until I regain my ability to "keep mouth shut."
ReplyDeleteI see that both of you are amazing, Syd. With and without Sponsors.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a Sponsor myself. I am too unbridled. Drove my last one batty!
I love this golden rule :) and I really needed to keep it in mind today and didn't.
ReplyDeleteTomorrow is a new day.
I've been pondering for days now how to handle the situation of a co-worker's relapse. All of my Al-Anon reading and your blog have given me some good suggestions, mostly...keep my mouth shut. But it never said I can't SHOW her love. Thanks Syd, and congrats to C for her award!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations to C on the award. And I agree that keeping my mouth shut can be the golden rule -- so often I want to suggest or warn or give advice and I should know better by now. I have friends who have stayed sober and happy in AA for many years without sponsors and I have friends who love their sponsors.
ReplyDeleteLessons learned.
ReplyDeletedamn, he was doing so much better.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty good at keeping my mouth shut. But you're right, it sure is tempting to run the lives of others!! Glad C wants to see her dad, hope it goes well.
ReplyDeletei used to be pretty bad about this...i am fairly direct by nature...but over time the last couple years i have tempered this...
ReplyDeleteThe wisdom of the unspoken word. Bless you, Syd.
ReplyDeleteMy last two sponsors were nutty. Or maybe it's me. Or maybe it says something about my propensity to latch on to nutty people. Whatever, I'm sponsor less.
ReplyDeleteI do keep my eyes open for a "Syd-clone", when I find one I'm ready to go through the workbook again.
I have a dear friend who is marrying a practicing alcoholic in a few months. I get to practice keeping my mouth shut about what she needs to do in her life.
ReplyDeleteWhen she is ready the program will be there for her.
oh ... that's the truth!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I wish, a zipper at the mouth ...
Words have power: they can do good and they can destroy and kill ...
I am of the belief that mostly, KMS is a good idea and that every now and then, NOT keeping it shut is an even better one.
ReplyDeleteI encountered rage like your father-in-law's in my loving mother and in my beautiful brother. It stemmed from brain pathology, and there was a precipitating stressful event in both cases. Medical in one: anesthesia and surgery. Emotional trauma in the other, a family member's sudden death. Subsequently, full-blown Alzheimer's was diagnosed in both after MRIs showed severe brain atrophy.
ReplyDeleteA specialist in cognitive degeneration at a university medical center told us that a stressful event is a common spark for the kind of sudden implosion in someone's brain function that leaves families aghast, crying "What the hell happened?" A person may have been coping adequately with an undiagnosed brain pathology, but suddenly becomes an insane stranger because an outside event destroys his or her fragile control over the physical degeneration in the brain.
So in my limited experience, hate and rage were the symptoms of physical disintegration of brain cells. I went from being the beloved daughter and sister to being the hated enemy because of a terrible, invisible protein inside the skulls of the people I love. I didn't cause it, and they couldn't/can't help it. It isn't personal.
The fact that it isn't personal doesn't stop it from hurting like hell. I had to learn coping methods of my own. Withdrawal, focusing on affirmations of life around me, practicing forgiveness - all of them helped somewhat. But also I kept making the periodic approach, as you did, never gave up, because there were always the good days, the good moments, when my beloved people were back in their bodies.
I had a wonderful talk with my brother four days ago, full of love and laughter. My mother knew me and beamed with joy in my presence many times in those last ugly months. She, who bloodied my arm in a rage, gripped my hand as she lay dying and relaxed as I stroked her hair. They’re in there somewhere, their spirits, their love, and you’ll find them sometimes if you never give up.
Syd...you make us all proud and remind me to stay the course. You are a wise man from experience and hard work to give your wife the space she needs right now.
ReplyDeleteThank God I am not in Alanon, because sometimes I just have to say something.
ReplyDeleteMy al-A-Pal Robbie always prays this prayer when he wants to *give direction*:
ReplyDelete"God, please sit on my tongue".
I think his H.P. is a woman ;)
Its difficult to balance "proper program etiquette" with what we owe our spouses through the sacrament of marriage...
ReplyDeleteI have to be very careful to measure what I say against my motives and the truth. Sometimes I do better than other times lol.
I am trying to learn this balance too. I am keeping my mouth shut more and more. And when I DO speak up, I try to say MY feelings and not bossing and suggestions and control and help... I try to say MY fear and what it is doing inside of me but let Mr. M know that does not make it "right" and he does not need to feel obligated to do anything to assuage my feelings. Lotta work... but over the years, I have definitely reaped many rewards as a result.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine working my program without a sponsor.
ReplyDelete