Tomorrow will be the one-year anniversary of Pop's death. When my mind goes back to last year and all the death that happened, I see now that no one could have helped me to move through it. I simply needed to have grief run its course.
A Jewish friend mentioned that probably what I longed for was something like shiva. I needed to have a supportive community around me. And since that didn't occur with visitors at the house, I did what I needed to do which was to feel miserable without a time limit. To allow the feelings to be there and to not shut them off. To crawl back into bed and curl up into a ball.
I am in a different place now. I miss those that aren't here, but I am not grieving. I am glad to know that for this day, so far, all is okay. I have stayed busy with the garden, picking blueberries, getting a new tire on the car, taking care of the animals, and working out. At night, I am tired in a good way. A deep-boned kind of tired that let's me know that I have done a lot of things that needed to be done.
On Father's Day, I took the boat out and sailed for five hours. It was a bright, summer day with good wind. There were little sailboats in a regatta and a lot of other large sailboats on the water. The time was peaceful. I wish my own dad had been there. He would have liked the sail. But I was simply glad for the opportunity to be where I was, enjoying the "whump" of the genoa as I backwinded it and came about. Simple pleasures. Summer in one of the most beautiful places. A different state of mind from last year---thankfully.
we do have to let grief run its course...sometimes things help it along, but its a different journey for each of us, so --- sometimes community is good...others it can be overwelming with all the suggestions on how to get beyond it...travel light man....
ReplyDeleteWhat Brian said is true. Each of us must find our own way along the path of grief.
ReplyDeleteYou know, Syd, every time I see a sailboat now I think of you being happy on your own beloved boat. We all need something like that to love and put our heart into. Just as we are best off if we have people to love and to put our hearts into. And to be loved back by.
We who have that are the lucky ones.
There are times that "tasks" are their own reward. Accomplishment of a task brings it's own satisfaction. There can be a healing component in jobs well done.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think they had it right a long time ago when they put a black ribbon on the door for a year and they took the time to grieve and then they were done. They had to be in order to survive themselves. I gave myself the luxury of time after my dad passed and it helped me so much. I wanted to be alone mostly and just think. My husband was smart enough to let me be...I would go for long long walks out into the desert and feel my dad's love and yes, sometimes grief would bring me to my knees but I would get up again. It has been two years and I too am in a different and better place....
ReplyDeleteI like that you allowed yourself to feel what you needed to feel.
ReplyDeleteI like the concept of shiva. I can also so easily be miserable without a time limit. Kinda snowballs outta control though. Glad you are coping, cyber hugs!
ReplyDeleteIt always amazes me how days can differ ... I can do the exact same thing but still have a different result emotionally. Never have been able to figure that out, Syd.
ReplyDeleteSyd, beautiful post. I love your comments about shiva. Just thinking about it and reading about it brings me comfort.
ReplyDeleteThe simple human rituals around death and grieving have such wisdom in them. You have worked through so much this year Syd.
ReplyDeleteI have lost 6 people that I was extremely close to in my family - siblings and an Aunt, cousin and my x-mother in law. The first was the worst for me - I don't even know how long it took me to deal with losing my Sister. It was the first experience at losing someone I was so close to. I think the losses have made me more fearful of losing my Mom especially as she gets older. Eventually, I truly believed that she was with me and I believe everyone in my family that has passed is with me. You were not alone on the boat Syd.
ReplyDeleteAh the power of feeling, living, and walking through the grief to the other side. Powerful post my friend and glad you were at peace this day.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your story. I have just started a blog about loving one who is an alcoholic. Blogs like yours help sustain me. I'd love any feedback or comments you might have on my story: dearjohnnarron.wordpress.com
ReplyDeleteIt is nice for me to have the ability to be in my body more present by working the program. I can appreciate the small things in life.
ReplyDeleteit has been so long since I had my dad alive that father's day has become just another day.I miss my Dad don't get me wrong,but when it just my celestine and I for the most part days just blend together. I hope all is well with you Syd!
ReplyDelete