Thursday, February 24, 2011

Acknowledging Fear

Tomorrow morning the surgeons will do their job to bypass the blocked vessels and restore blood flow to C.'s heart.  She is my heart, so I hope that they do a good job.  I have had a few moments of fear today.  But when I feel its fingers worming their way into my head, I say the Serenity Prayer which has been a mantra since I began recovery.  I realize that what happens is beyond my control. 

Today there was a stream of visitors coming to see her.  Colleagues from work,  fellow AA members, and her parents stopped by.  She was tired at the end of the afternoon.  I have had calls from Al-Anon members and that has helped me as well.  Your comments are most appreciated.  Thank you for thinking of us. People want to know what they can do.  Just sending positive thoughts and knowing that people care is good right now. 

I am planning to unload a pick up truck load of mulch and enriched soil for the garden over the next couple of days.  It helps me to stay busy. And it is time to plant potatoes and take care of the plants in the green house.  I know that C. would be sad if her beloved garden was not ready.  

I sat with my feelings today.  I acknowledged my fear.  I am not going to dwell on "why" or "what if".  I am doing what I know how to do--staying positive.
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27 comments:

  1. happygirlFebruary 24, 2011 at 9:07 PM

    yep. Fear is a real feeling. I can't imagine how I would feel in your shoes. I'm praying for complete recovery. I just "met" you in this trying time. Trust and I hope you feel the positive thoughts from just a little north of your beloved low country.

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  2. Ms. MoonFebruary 24, 2011 at 9:22 PM

    I am lighting a candle RIGHT NOW. It is one of the ways I make thoughts and wishes visible.
    Now. Lighting it.
    And keep your hands in the dirt and your heart at peace.

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  3. Ms. MoonFebruary 24, 2011 at 9:23 PM

    P.S.
    Lit.

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  4. Dad and MomFebruary 24, 2011 at 9:30 PM

    When you feel alone don't be shocked if feel all of hands on your shoulders.

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  5. dAAveFebruary 24, 2011 at 9:49 PM

    fingers crossed.

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  6. AndrewFebruary 24, 2011 at 9:52 PM

    Continuing positive thoughts for C and you Syd.

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  7. Sage RavenwoodFebruary 24, 2011 at 10:01 PM

    Positive vibes and love coming sent to you and C. Prayers on the smoke each and every day. (Hugs)Indigo

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  8. Brian MillerFebruary 24, 2011 at 10:15 PM

    stay positive syd...praying for both of you....

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  9. Mike GolchFebruary 24, 2011 at 10:29 PM

    Syd,I will Keep C and you in my Prayers. staying positive is the only course we all can take. the whys and what ifs do not help us in our recovery.

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  10. clean and crazyFebruary 24, 2011 at 10:51 PM

    prayers and good thoughts always sent your way. and yes plant the garden it will help

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  11. AnnetteFebruary 25, 2011 at 1:32 AM

    Syd, ((HUG)) I am praying for both you and C.

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  12. TAAAFFebruary 25, 2011 at 1:40 AM

    When fear is my primary emotion, any physical action is better for me, than sitting fretting. Take care, and know we are all praying for you both.

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  13. Di-GitFebruary 25, 2011 at 2:57 AM

    "Absolute faith is placed in a man's inner being. For whatever authority there is in Zen, all comes from within."

    Glad to hear C is in good hands in the hospital.
    Hope you get your garden in order before she returns home.

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  14. ShadowFebruary 25, 2011 at 3:32 AM

    busy helps... i'm thinking of you both!

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  15. Enchanted OakFebruary 25, 2011 at 4:22 AM

    My beloved older brother, at 57, was just diagnosed with aggressive early-onset Alzheimer's and severe cerebral atrophy, and his wife of 10 years has turned all her rage on me and on his daughter for absolutely no rational reason. I'm afraid and heartbroken, and completely powerless.
    Such things drive a person to his or her knees. That's exactly where we need to be. Once the prayers are said, we need to get up and do the next indicated thing, whether it be unloading a pickup truck or doing step work with a sponsee (that was my activity this afternoon). My brother and your C are in the hands of the Man who stilled the water. So am I and you and all the rest of God's children. I'm joining the rest of your friends in prayer for your good wife and you.

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  16. Mary LAFebruary 25, 2011 at 5:18 AM

    You are both in my thoughts and there is a candle burning in the study.

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  17. EllenFebruary 25, 2011 at 5:42 AM

    You will both be in my thoughts and prayers today. I am sure that the surgeons will do an excellent job and will give C a new lease of life and vitality. Your serene and positive outlook is, as always, an inspiration to me.

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  18. JunkoFebruary 25, 2011 at 6:12 AM

    You and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  19. the walking manFebruary 25, 2011 at 6:56 AM

    There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment.

    Just love Syd.

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  20. Dabble RoseFebruary 25, 2011 at 7:05 AM

    Sending positive thoughts. Sent.

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  21. JudyFebruary 25, 2011 at 8:38 AM

    My prayers are with you and C.

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  22. AnonymousFebruary 25, 2011 at 8:57 AM

    Sending light, prayers and positive energy to you and C.

    Monica

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  23. AnybethFebruary 25, 2011 at 10:19 AM

    thinking of you today....

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  24. AnonymousFebruary 25, 2011 at 10:29 AM

    All my prayers.

    rwf

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  25. Sarcastic BastardFebruary 25, 2011 at 10:59 AM

    I am glad you are staying positive, buddy. You have good reason to do so, since C. is at such a good cardiac facility.

    I have been thinking of the two of you a lot. I love you very much. You are dear to me.

    SB

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  26. I'm worth it, BobFebruary 25, 2011 at 11:32 AM

    My best hopes for you and "C". I feel like I know you, and I know many folks will be pulling for you.

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  27. MarciaFebruary 25, 2011 at 6:58 PM

    Still praying....

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