Bear with me today as I feel as if I have taken several steps backwards in recovery and have lost my serenity. I am in full HALT mode. Here are some of the things that contributed to a feeling of anxiety this morning.
1. My father-in-law is in intensive care. He was taken there yesterday morning. My mother-in-law is leaning on me heavily to care take of her and him. I am feeling overwhelmed.
2. My relationship with a good friend is strained because he is telling me what to do on my boat. He has also asked to borrow money because he has not worked in a year. I am feeling resentful.
3. I feel as if others expect me to take responsibility for their problems because that is what I have always done. I realize that carrying their burdens is weighing me down.
4. One of my Al-Anon meetings may suffer the consequences of the bad behavior by a group of AA's who, in spite of dire warnings by the church and neighbors, persist in exhibiting barroom behavior after their meeting.
5. I am exhausted from staying up too late and getting up too early. Late evening is the only time lately that I have felt that I have any time to myself.
Because recovery tells me to focus on solutions and not problems here is what I am going to do. I realize that the day may have started badly but it doesn't have to end that way.
1. I choose to take time to focus on gratitude and those things that are good about today. I can wallow in some self-pity for a few minutes but not adopt it as my thinking for the day. I am in good health and not elderly and in need of assistance. I know that both my wife and FIL are getting better. They will be okay and their health will improve. My MIL is simply fearful about the loss of her husband of 50+ years. I can reassure and help her without having to care take.
2. I can set boundaries with my friend and stick to them. I don't need to fear the loss of friendship because if I truly believe in turning my will and life over to a Higher Power , then all will be okay. I realize that my friend is not my HP. He has to find his own way as each of us do.
3. When I feel overwhelmed with responsibility, then I need to consider taking first things first. I can do those things that are necessary and not what others expect me to do to fulfill their needs. I don't have to do for others what they can so for themselves. Learning to say No is valuable and doesn't diminish who I am. If I need assistance, I can ask friends to help me out. Asking for what I need also doesn't diminish who I am.
4. Al-Anon will be okay and if there is a problem with our staying at the location, we can ask to meet with the rector and choose a different time for our meeting when it does not coincide with AA. I do not have to solve this problem for others.
5. I can find some other time in the day to meditate and have solitude. I can set a reasonable time to go to bed and to get up. I don't have to try to cram so much into a day. Easy does it.
Whew. I feel better for having written this. I met with a sponsee this morning which also helped. I realize that I can focus on the solution and get to a good place.
Syd, you are an inspiration and thank-you, as always, for reminding us of what we CAN do.
ReplyDeletei am glad you are solution focused syd...hope the day gets back on track...
ReplyDeleteI feel better, having read this. The program works when you work it. I don't know why that "caretaker" gene kicks in so strongly, but I've got it, too. Bless you Syd.
ReplyDeleteYou're very strong, you have admitted your mistakes in thinking and have corrected it. You're very inspirational. You are you're own person, you are in control of your own happiness. :) You're a great person.
ReplyDeleteHurray! This is why I love reading your blog. I finally don't have to go to 10 meetings a week then get resentful for not hearing the solution. (My area is suffering a bit).
ReplyDeleteIt was wonderful to literally read what appeared to be a 10th step and be reminded that I can do this as well. The program works for those who work it! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I am reading your blog for over a year now and it helped me in my recovery. Thank you. Ann.
ReplyDeleteSome powerful stuff, Syd. You needed to write it. I needed to read it. My day has improved and I hope your's has, as well.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you got it all figured out.
ReplyDeleteGlad to see that you are able to work your program, when you really need it is when it can be the most difficult...
ReplyDeleteThis doesn't sound like you've gone anywhere backwards my friend.This sounds like good honest progress.Even if it doesn't feel like it,I read the wisdom you've earned to know the difference,Syd.
ReplyDeleteSending you the love.
Thank you for sharing,as always.
xo
I enjoy not only your thoughtful analysis of the issues weighing on your mind but also you reasoned approach to solutions that fit you.
ReplyDeleteMy admiration. Thank you for allowing us into your though and concern process.
It seems like you reached some reasonable conclusions regarding everything that is weighing so heavily on you right now. I will keep you and your wife and your in-laws in my prayers. Take care of yourself, Syd.
ReplyDeleteI love how this program works, and that we have one today. Yes!!!! Thank you for writing this. It's so real.
ReplyDeleteJust seeing this process of thinking it all through is so helpful. Thank you Syd. Take good care of YOU.
ReplyDeleteGreat solutions, Syd. The thoughtlessness of those AA members makes me feel angry, but they will have to deal with the consequences and there is nothing anyone else can do in this situation. Good to hear you're looking after yourself.
ReplyDeleteForgot --
ReplyDeletePrayers and thoughts for C's father and for her recovery.
I am a problem solver by nature, so this post made me smile. Finally, a person that knows how to fix his or her life. YEA you!
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should fake the flu for a couple of days and get under the covers!
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure that these things will take care of themselves, with time.
ReplyDeleteThat's what you have to do as well.
A powerful entry, Syd. The one theme that comes through loud and clear (because it is so much a part of ME) is the idea that you have to be the one to make all things better. I used to do that all the time and have found that taking on others problems (and always being the "fixer") was a killer for me. Now I can do as you did ... write it all out, turn over what is not mine and serenely handle the rest. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteI have a solution for all of it except your MiL...tell them all to carry their own baggage. You have enough.
ReplyDeleteJust found you. I love what your blog stands for. I'm probably old enough to be your grandmother, but I respect your honest journey. You're a survivor!
ReplyDeleteSmooth seas never made a skilled Mariner! And Syd, you are a Skilled Mariner on the water and life.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you are so overwhelmed with everything currently. I hope your load will lighten soon. Surely your attitude will help in the interim.
ReplyDeleteLove you, buddy.
SB
well i find the nicer u are, the more people (wrongly) lean on you. so the nicer you are, the better you have to get at saying no regularly. Sounds like you are doing that so I'm sure you can keep these requests at bay. Requests for money do not put me in a good mood either. I've learned to be pretty ? 'tough' I suppose as I like to think I am a very difficult person to manipulate. Remember to take care of yourself and all these things will shrink to right size. You cannot save everyone, so don't feel guilty about that, and hope you and C make the best of this period of recuperation..
ReplyDeleteDon't you love the toolbox program gives us?
ReplyDeleteI love this kind of blog post - here's my problem, and here's my solution.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this, Syd, you truly are an inspiration.
When I read the beginning of your post, it scared me a little. But as I continued reading, I realized I was reading a healthy, controlled analysis and response to everyday life.
ReplyDeleteYou are an inspiration and I appreciate the focus on how to approach life's challenges as they surface.
I was upset about the meeting that will possibly lose their space as well, I hope alanon will be able to stay, and even may get the nicer digs if the AA group does leave. It happened to the friday group and alanon still goes strong at that church even though AA had to move.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm sad about is that those 3 groups (Since two are being considered for complete eviction) are affecting AA as a whole in the community we live in. It leaves a bad taste in good peoples mouths, and if those people who have been negatively affected by the poor behavior of a few ever needed or knew someone that needed help... I'm pretty sure AA would be the last place they'd go.
That truly SUCKS!
I tried to participate in a couple group consciences but it was like the majority didn't care, didn't want to do group inventory, they just wanted to move and say screw it and then I see so many walk out and make noise and talk loudly on purpose about the neighbors because they're angry that the neighbors complain and think they're being unreasonable. YUCK WHAT A MESS!
'Just for today' friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you for a very insightful post. I try to remind myself every day that there are alternatives to feeling boxed in. Often our old experiences tend to dominate at first when confronted with too many tasks. We always have a choice as to how we react. It's a paradigm shift, and it takes practice and knowledge.
ReplyDeleteThis looks like the day I had yesterday. I have found some peace today. When I am low I seem to attract more trouble.
ReplyDeleteThankyou - I needed that direction - the focus on the solution not the problem. I must remember that.
ReplyDelete