One of the signs of moving forward in the program is to have solutions rather than just the venting, resentment, self-pity and all the other emotions that keep us stuck. Looking over my last post, I realize that I didn't offer many solutions. Rather, I implied that I don't know what I'm going to do, although I think that I know what I'd like to do. Using the frog analogy from a few posts ago, I'm the frog sitting on the log who is thinking about making a decision, turning it over and over in a frog brain, yet not willing to make a move because it's nice and warm sitting on the log. Besides I've got those two other frogs sitting next to me and maybe one of them will make a decision to jump.
Making a decision to end a relationship like marriage is difficult. Right now, I just do my best to detach when I need to, keep doing the things that I like to do, go to meetings, and get out and away when I find that I'm feeling emotionally drained. I don't accept unacceptable behavior anymore and keep my communication with my SO open. I find that the love that I have is kind and compassionate, no longer filled with anger and spite. That has come about through going to my meetings and realizing that most of the problems that occurred were manifested through alcohol and that alcohol was in the picture because of other underlying insecurities and issues. I settled over the years for existence rather than living. As my sponsor likes to say, I sat in a warm pile of crap and it felt good as long as I didn't move around. If I did, then it smelled like crap and wasn't pleasant.
Recovery for me and my spouse means that we are developing new ways to live our lives. The old marriage is dead and in the new marriage of recovery we are having to figure out a lot of things. So I'm going to take each day and see where it leads. I'm trusting that the program and my HP will guide me on the journey.