A boundary on drunk dialing

The picnic was a fun time. We had about 15 people, most either in Al-Anon or AA, who ate, talked and strolled around the grounds.  The weather cooperated so there wasn't any late afternoon thunderstorms.  Everyone left saying that the food was excellent which makes us happy that no one goes away hungry.

It's so good to be able to have friends over and not worry that anyone is going to get drunk, stay until 1 AM, or throw up in the bathroom.  And to hear so much laughter and happy talk from a bunch of people who aren't drinking alcohol is remarkable, especially when the social scene in this town seems to mostly revolve around people drinking.

So yesterday, we chilled out.  We had plenty of left overs so there was no need to cook anything.  We did go out to check on the garden and picked enough blueberries to have them with meals this week. All was going really well until I got the call last night from my recently deceased cousin's wife.

She was drunk and slurring, ranting and screaming into the phone.  She had traveled back to their home to spend a couple of days. Somehow my cousin's death notice had gotten on the internet, and a friend had called her to say how sorry he was that R. had died.  This made her angry because she now fears that she won't be safe in the house once people know her husband is dead--this being a house that hasn't been lived in for about six years because they were both staying at her mother's house in another part of the state to be near the major medical hospital there.  She kept yelling over and over that "No one had the right to put that he had died in the paper or on the internet".  I explained that his death notice is part of the public record and couldn't be hidden from people.

N. was also telling me how she had done everything she could for my cousin and didn't think that she was responsible for his death.  There was more ranting about his mother and how her shadow person had sucked the life from him.  More tears and drunken mumbling.  This went on for about 40 minutes during which time I was  doing my best to get off the phone with her without being rude. Finally, I told her that I was going to hang up because she needed to get some rest.

I have now decided that I won't answer any more calls from her in the evening.  I am hoping that her drunken call was a one time occurrence.  I know that she used to drink and party quite a bit before she and my cousin married.  She would occasionally get drunk when I would visit them, but over the past 8 years, she has been sober and caring for him.  Now that he is gone, I hope that she doesn't start drinking with regularity.  It's not my problem, and I plan to keep it that way.  Thankfully, she is two states away.  No service is planned, so I won't be going up there to visit.

It's strange that I felt angry at myself for listening to her go on and on.  I wished that I had told her after about ten minutes that I had to go.  Next time, I won't answer. If I do talk to her and she is irrational, I will get off the phone.  I sat through one phone call and that's enough.  I am sorry that she has lost the love of her life.  I feel compassion and sadness about that.  But I am done now with the irrational blaming, anger, and drunken mumblings.  I cannot have a sensible conversation with a drunk.  And I don't have to.

Evidently, drunk dialing has become a problem phenomenon. The New York Times reports:
".......drunk dialing usually limits itself to times long after the close of business and beyond the daily commute. It is in those dark hours of late night and wee hours of early morn, when most people have retired their cellphones for overnight charging, that intoxicated revelers flip open their cellphones and dial into regret."

I have this disease late at night sometimes, involving alcohol and the telephone. I get drunk, and I drive my wife away with breath like mustard gas and roses. And then, speaking gravely and elegantly into the telephone, I ask the telephone operators to connect me with this friend or that one, from whom I have not heard in years.—Kurt Vonnegut

'Nuff said.

Drunk dreams

I awoke from a terrible dream this morning that my wife had started drinking again.  I was re-living in the dream the nightmare of being with her at a concert where she was drunk and stumbling.

These dreams are not new.  The venue may change but the recurring theme is that we are to meet somewhere, but I can't find her.  When I do find her, she is drunk. The dreams are vivid and realistic.  Fortunately, this is the first such dream that I have had in a long time.

I've read that dreams about something traumatic are common among those who suffer from PTSD.  A therapist once told me that she thought that is what I had from all the years of being around alcoholics.  I don't know whether that is true or not.  I have often been baffled by my dreams though.  The ones that I remember the most are troubling and leave me with a feeling of fear and great anxiety when I awake.

I wonder if the events of the past are encrypted in the neural pathways of my brain to such an extent that no amount of recovery will erase them.  Maybe not.  I have found in recovery a way to understand the nature of my anxiety around alcoholism.  But there are still unresolved aspects that no doubt spill over into dreams.  Yesterday, I was meeting with a fellow I sponsor who is doing his fourth step (a searching and fearless moral inventory of self).  He brought up his feelings of guilt and shame towards his parents and brother.  Some pretty stark and ugly emotions are discussed in the process of recovery.  Maybe those emotions in the unconscious mind spill over into the dream world as a reminder of what I have experienced.  Maybe there is something that I can learn from these dreams.

What I realize after waking from the "trauma" of a drunk dream is that:

• Drunk dreams are not unusual for either an alcoholic or a person affected by someone else's alcoholism
• Drunk dreams aren't reality but a recycling of something from the past.
• These dreams are a part of processing emotions.
• I can use the dreams as tools for self-discovery and spiritual progress.

Here are some more thoughts on the power and purpose of dreams from Gayle Greene, Ph.D. :

When people are awakened out of REM and given a word to associate to, their associations are more novel, more original than in other stages of sleep; they "ignore the obvious and put together things that make a kind of crazy unexpected kind of sense." Dreams..... are where we bring things together in fresh, often startling ways, drawing on stores of knowledge from the past, the present, the possible, to find new associations. Dreams may help us find new patterns and create combinations that break through well-worn ruts. 

I swear, I write better when I awake out of one of those intense, thrashing-it-through dreams. Even a troubling dream, a dream that churns up stuff I'd rather shove under the carpet, even a dream barely remembered, much less understood, seems to provide some kind of fluency, dream energy, fuel for thought. Those are the days that the words and images come, tumble out so fast that my fingers on the keys can barely keep up. I don't know how it works, but it does seem to work. 

And creativity isn't just for writers or artists, it's about basic survival, about finding new paths, figuring out what to do when something goes drastically wrong on the highway, in a marriage, in a work situation. We live in a complex world. We need our brains to be firing on all cylinders; we need to think creatively, flexibly, as we negotiate relationships with colleagues, co-workers, family, friends.

Much food for thought.  I know that the visions of that dream are still in my head. Maybe by putting these thoughts down,  I have a better understanding that what was once a reality for me has been transformed into a new awareness in recovery.

Sunday happenings

White puffy cumulus clouds float against a clear blue sky today. It is more like an early fall day than the middle of July. I welcome the respite.

The breeze is still stiff which has kept the small boat party crowd away for the most part. Right now there is a free concert from a yacht with a good guitar player and vocalist standing on deck. He says his name is Jameson from the Market Street Saloon. He is interrupted by a drunk who won't stay off the loud hailer, creating a lot of feedback. Maybe he has had too much Jameson.



Last night the waves were wild. I rowed to shore, taking the old dog for a walk. She was in her element. As we were coming back, there were a group of fellows standing around a campfire drinking beer. I asked if they were camping. They said "No, just drinking on a day off." I heard them get underway around 1 AM. They were having a big ole time. After they left, only the waves and the rigging made any noise.

Heard from a fellow who I met on my trip South on the boat. He wants to have the peace of Al-Anon without going to meetings or working the steps. He will call when things go to pieces with his girl friend. This is his first relationship with an alcoholic.

She is telling him that she needs space. He pulls her closer. She contacted a couple of old boyfriends at 2:30 AM saying it was to make amends. He wants to believe her but is paralyzed by fear of rejection. I tell him I found it helpful to not project but be guarded. I also had to learn to keep the focus on me and learn to have my own interests and hobbies. He is isolating more and more while his girl friend is skipping meetings. I hope they learn to place priorities on things of maximum usefulness to peace of mind. Sometimes we learn first through the school of hard knocks.

Now, it's time to fix some dinner and enjoy the sunset. Happy Sunday from my sanctuary.

Election Day eve

It's Monday all day, but there is a sense of excitement in me today. It's the eve of one of the most important presidential elections that I can remember. Yes, I'm tired of the pundits and all the ads, but the feeling now is that we are on the precipice of a great decision. Whatever your persuasion, philosophy, or mindset, please do get out and vote.

I had a quiet weekend on the boat. It was beautiful weather, just cool enough at night to require the large comforter and warm enough during the day to be able to sit on deck and enjoy the sun. We built a campfire on Saturday night, met a kayaker who was spending the night in a hammock on the island and invited him to dry his clothes by the fire.

There were a couple of other guys camping out as well. They came over and were stumbling drunk. They had beached their 24 foot sailboat and said that they had been drinking all day. They polished off a bottle of Fire Fly which is a concoction of sweet tea and vodka that is coincidentally made on the island where I live. One of the guys was a cell biologist from the local medical university. He could barely stand up. They were cordial enough, inviting me over to have coffee in the morning. Considering the shape that they were in, I had to wonder what would happen if I went over in the dinghy, blew the airhorn, and said "Hey, where's that coffee?".

The sail back was fast. We stayed until the tide changed which was after dark. It was a brisk breeze at around 15 knots with higher gusts. All in all, it was a beautiful weekend. I'm so grateful that I think of fire flies as those neat creatures that light up the southern nights and not some booze in a bottle.

Hurricane season

It was a great long weekend. I spent most of the time on the boat and sailing. We stayed at the anchorage on Sunday night. There were big swells coming in on the incoming tide. It made for an uncomfortable couple of hours. After that, all was calm and we were able to get some sleep.

There were the usual party boats with some pretty heavy drinking. Quite a few people were funneling. I guess this is a quick way to binge drink. I'm not sure why one would want to drink like this.

I helped push a few boats off the beach so that they could get underway. One was driven by an older gentleman. He said that he was the "taxi" for a group of young people who had been partying very hard. The sheriff's patrol actually came ashore and checked on one of the fellows who was passed out. He managed to rally though after one of his friends put popcorn on his back. That drew a flock of seagulls who proceeded to pick the popcorn off him. I guess he had enough of that, staggered to his feet, fell down, and then made it haltingly to the boat. My guess is that the older fellow driving the boat was a father to one of the girls on board. He seemed to take it all in stride. I wonder at the choices that parents have to make today about their kids and drinking. And I wonder who was going to make sure none of these kids got behind the wheel of a car. These are interesting times in many ways.

After I checked the news and weather, I was relieved to see that the levees held. Parts of New Orleans were a mess though. And now it appears that Hurricane Hannah is heading this way. I'm probably going to get the sailboat out of the water tomorrow.

There is a high probability that the hurricane will hit near where we live. At least, that's what the models seem to be forecasting. There is already a frenzy at work today. Getting things prepared by Friday at home and work means I'd better get going. Hope to check in later.

“Don't waste life in doubts and fears; spend yourself on the work before you, well assured that the right performance of this hour's duties will be the best preparation for the hours and ages that will follow it.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Harbor Fest weekend

This weekend was great, with good weather and a lot to do. The District meeting on Saturday was filled with a lot of interesting Al-Anon business. Lots of good things being done to get the word out about the program.

After that meeting I went to Harbor Fest and participated in doing public rows for people attending. Two of the rowing teams' boats were there. It was fun to take kids out for their first row in a big boat and to show adults what team rowing is about.

There were neat aerobatic shows over the Harbor that amazed me. I've never wanted to fly a plane but am impressed by the aerobatic maneuvers that the pilots did--4 and 8 point aeleron rolls, hammerheads, tailslides, and other dangerous looking things that are likely to turn your stomach over and make you understand the force of gravity in a new way.

The tall ships were great and there were pirates on hand to thrill (and scare) the kids. I couldn't help but think of the irony of the sea shanty being sung, "What do you do with drunken sailor?". And what do you do?
1. Put him in the long boat till he's sober,
2. Keep him there and make 'im bale 'er.
3. Shave his belly with a rusty razor.
4. Put him in bed with the captain's daughter.

Thankfully no drunken sailors showed up for rowing. And nobody got his belly shaved. I'm taking a few more Ibuprofen and going to bed.

Oyster festival: A major drinking event

I went to the area's oyster festival today. There were about 12,000 people in attendance. And there were thousands of pounds of oysters consumed. One of the announcers said that there were a record number of kegs of beer consumed as well. I can believe all of that based on seeing the tables of steaming oysters and the huge air inflated Budweiser cans that greeted people as they walked on the grounds.

I enjoyed the festivities, especially having oysters on a beautiful sunny afternoon. There was also good music played by a couple of local bands. I guess that the only negative at the event occurred when I was walking out and there were several drunk couples who were arguing with each other. One fellow was getting verbally abusive with his lady friend and another guy was yelling at his girlfriend on his cell phone telling her that he wanted her to come pick him up because he was too drunk to drive. I was thinking about how the recipients of the drunken outbursts must feel. One reaction that came to mind was : "Sure, honey, I'll drive as fast as I can through the largest traffic jam in the area to pick up your sorry drunken butt".

I'm glad that I haven't gotten one of those phone calls in a while. Or had to argue about who was going to drive the car after a party. Those were wild insane times that I'd rather not revisit, although the reminders sometimes surface especially at events where massive amounts of alcohol are consumed. I'm happy to have taken some interesting photos and gotten home without an argument or any other negative consequences. I just hope that others were so lucky.

Marina Party

Tonight was our marina party. It was nicely done with different eras represented in different parts of the host hotel. There was a good reggae band playing and lots of seafood of all kinds. I ran into a couple that I know and the wife was totally smashed. She was hanging all over me which was okay for a bit but then I started to feel uncomfortable. It's the second time I've seen this woman drunk. I guess that there's a chair waiting in the rooms for her eventually. Although I've learned to detach there is still a bit of fear in me when I see someone completely wasted. It's a deja vu experience I suppose.

Tomorrow I head down to Tybee Island for a long weekend. It's one of my favorite places to visit that's reasonably close by. This is the weekend for the Tybee Christmas parade and open house at the Tybee Lighthouse. I hope to get a lot of photographs.

Hope to catch up with everyone's blogs in the next day or so, Until then....

Sad to see

Today, at a meeting a nicely dressed woman showed up drunk. She is a designer who has been coming to meetings for a while. She had been out partying and was completely messed up, laughing and generally making a lot of commotion. A couple of guys got her quieted down so that the meeting could continue. Later she picked up a white chip, still drunk.

I know what this does to me. It creates a gut-wrenching reaction. I have to force myself not to move. My eyes tell me that this isn't anyone that I know but my heart tells me that this is a person who is in a lot of pain and who is causing a lot of pain. It seems so ironic to have a drunk person show up at an AA meeting. But I would guess that's the best place for anyone drunk to be because they are with people who know how to deal with the situation.

I don't know how to deal with the situation so I just sit and concentrate on not bolting. I stay put and get through the meeting and then can't wait to leave. All the way on the drive back to my office, I'm thinking about the nightmare of that woman's life. And the nightmare of those who love her. It's hard to get the image out of my head. It's hard not to imagine a different face being drunk and out of control. It's hard not to look back.

Arriving in Savannah

We had a smooth sail into Port Savannah with flat seas. The dolphins were surfacing and surfing the bow wake on the ride from the sea buoy into the Savannah River. It was a beautiful morning. After packing up and loading the container with the yellow submarine and all of its accessories onto a flat bed truck at the port authority, the ship moved to River Street. This is the heart of the tourist district in old Savannah. Lots of restaurants and bars. Open containers are allowed here, very much like New Orleans where you can just stroll with a beer or glass of wine.

The port calls are a free for all with the crew and scientists. Every one bails off the ship and heads to the nearest bar. I hung out on board ship with my friend D. who had the 4 to midnight watch. We talked about the rifts between the officers and the crew. We talked about the amount of drinking that happens in port. We talked about a lot of things over those several hours. It was good to have his ear again while we attempted to solve a lot of problems.

I know that this has been a more spiritually challenging trip for me. For one thing, there wasn't as much for me to do. Second, there was a lot of negativism among the crew on this trip. It's the type of negativism that makes cynical embittered old men. I sincerely hope that D makes a decision that will prevent him from becoming that way.

I was pleased that I kept my mouth shut during these discussions. I didn't have a dog in the fight so it was best for me to just listen and be a sounding board. I'm learning that it's best not to meddle in the affairs of others. If someone has a boundary that they let you know about, it's best to respect them and not try to take care or solve any of their problems.

Interesting time in port

It was an interesting in port. Miami is a surreal place but to be at the Port Authority and watch the mammoth cruise ships come in was even more surreal. We docked around 11 PM on Thursday. During the night the Majestic came in so when I went out on deck in the morning, there is was. Some of us got off the ship after we docked to walk around for a bit. It was nice to be on terra firma.

Tonight was interesting as it was our first full day in port. There were quite a few of the scientific staff who were feeling no pain when they arrived on the ship. One of the ladies had to be carried back on board. Seeing the scientist being hauled on board made me think how glad I am that I'm not having to be around that level of drunkeness anymore. I won't wax philosophical about how drinking changes the personality or any of that since you already are well aware of that.

I had gone out to walk around during the morning but was back on board to talk to the crew and get a full tour of the engine room and rope lockers in the evening. I was really impressed with the below deck engine area. It was totally spotless and highly organized. Anyway, we are getting underway in the morning. I would rather have just kept our rhythm of sampling and not had to stop. That way we would have gotten home a couple of days early. Soon, soon....

Some angst over party

Just when I was bitching about not being invited to parties, along comes one to go to tonight. It's a retirement party for someone that I've worked with for years. My "qualifier" wants to go also which is okay. However, I still feel that familiar anxiety return whenever there is the thought of being around a bunch of people who are drinking. An alternative that went through my head for a fleeting moment was to just go to dinner and forget going to the party, once again denying myself some semblance of a social life outside of Al-Anon. Because I know that I am powerless over alcohol and people, places and things, I think that going and detaching is the thing to do. I can't control any impulse to drink by anyone so I just need to put aside the fears, place this with my Higher Power, and have a good time.

Before Al-Anon, I would dread any kind of party because it always meant an excuse for my SO to get drunk and later there would be the verbal abuse and bad shit that alcohol brings out. My SO isn't a happy go lucky drunk but becomes moody, morose, and spews out all the snakes that live inside. I would react to this in the early years by placating and pleading. Later on, I just gave up and decided that nothing I would say or do would make any difference. I was consigned to just suffer through and try to cope. One particularly bad time early in the marriage when I was very down after a drunken spew, I picked up the phone and called the local Hotline. What I got on the other end was nothing helpful. I realized then that the relationship was on the skids and there was nothing that could save me or the alcoholic.

I knew nothing about Al-Anon at that time. In fact, I went to therapists and psychiatrists to talk about my feelings and that never really provided much sense of well-being either. The last therapist that I went to was the best and through her I was able to see that I needed to take care of myself. However, it wasn't until I started with Al-Anon that I began to see that there were lots of ways to put into the practice the idea of taking care of myself. It's one thing to know that you have to do that, but it is another thing to actually walk the walk. I've still got a long way to go but I'm developing some of the skills to be able to detach and take care of me.