Easter Weekend and a study on alcohol use

We had a nice Easter weekend, going out on the boat and staying from Friday through Sunday.  Although it was windy,  the temperatures were up in the 60's (F) which made it comfortable for walking the beach.

I thought a lot about the meaning of Easter.  And here is my take on it: There was a very giving fellow many years ago. He may or may not be very special to you, but he continued to give as others took. I think of him as an incredible poet that wrote with his actions. And his actions were simply to give...as others took and humiliated him, made jokes of him, his words and actions...as others beat him and laughed at his pain, he steadfastly gave...simply gave all that he had to give. I look for that poet today....his body long gone, his poetry remains....Easter is a remembrance of this.

Sunsets are an awesome part of the day on the water

Our Labrador is relaxing after a row to shore and a beach walk

Getting to shore in the dinghy can be exciting when it's windy

Because I am supportive of graduate studies, having been a graduate student myself many years ago, I am posting here a request from CJ who is working towards his Ph.D. in clinical psychology.  Read what he has to say about his research and give him a hand by filling out his survey.  All results are anonymous and you will get to be a part of a study that will hopefully be published.  Good stuff.

__________________________________________


Dear Readers of I'm just F.I.N.E., 
My name is CJ and I am a graduate student working towards my Ph.D. in clinical psychology. I am currently working on my dissertation research, which focuses on a partner's role in a person's decision to seek help for alcohol use issues. I first became interested in researching alcohol use issues when I began working at a VA hospital in my hometown. The number of veterans who are returning with problematic alcohol use is increasing at an alarming rate. Working with this population led me to look into alcohol use issues more broadly, and I found that there is a major discrepancy between the number of people who struggle with alcohol on a regular basis and the number of people who seek any kind of help for it (ranging anywhere from participating in online forums to participating in more focused meetings or treatment). This has the potential to be a major issue given that alcohol use can be a risk factor for suicide, domestic violence, and other serious issues with family and employment.

I am passionate now about understanding and bridging this gap between the need in the community and the resources that are available. In my graduate work, I have focused on working with couples in a clinical setting and in my research, and so it was my natural inclination to try to understand this issue from a family perspective. Broadly, I am interested in knowing if and how a person's partner plays a major role in his/her decision to seek help for alcohol problems. Is it often a person's spouse who convinces him/her to speak to someone about alcohol problems, or are other factors more important? Does a spouse's own drinking behavior or help-seeking behavior play a role in a drinker's decision about his/her own behavior? Given the important role of the family in our overall mental and physical health, I expect that a person's partner plays a major role in many of his/her decisions, but I hope to understand this phenomena better, again to find ways to bridge the gap between those who may need to make a change and the services available to them.

To participate in my research project, please see the information below. The study is intended for both members of a married couple (you will be directed accordingly based on whether you are the partner who has expressed concern or you are the partner whom your spouse is concerned about), and is entirely anonymous. The study is completed entirely online, and should take each partner about 20 minutes. Please click on the link below to get started.

Thanks and best wishes!
CJ

Participate in a survey on couples and alcohol use and enter to win a raffle!

Are you and your spouse legally married (or in a civil union) and at least 18 years of age?
Do you or your partner currently consume alcoholic beverages at least once a month?
Is alcohol use an area of disagreement in your marriage?

If you answered yes to the above questions, you and your spouse are eligible to participate in a research survey regarding the relationship between your marriage and your alcohol-related help seeking behaviors. When you complete the survey, you will each be entered into a raffle for one of four $50 Amazon.com gift cards!

The survey will take each participant approximately 20 minutes, and survey responses will be anonymous.

Please start here:
https://surveys.clarku.edu/AlcoholUseSurveyStart.aspx
 
This study has been approved by the Clark Committee for the Rights of Human Participants in Research and Training Programs (IRB). Any questions about human rights issues should be directed to the IRB Chair, Dr. James P. Elliott, 508-793-7152, jelliott@clarku.edu. The study is being conducted by C.J. Fleming, M.A. and James Cordova, Ph.D. in the Psychology Department at Clark University. Please feel free to contact the researcher ( alcoholusesurveyemail@gmail.com ) or the research supervisor ( jcordova@clarku.edu ) with any questions or concerns.

The illusion and the journey

I received a call last evening that my first cousin, who has been struggling with the worst type of brain tumor for six years, is unresponsive and not expected to live through the weekend.  Evidently the glioblastoma is causing severe edema on the brain.  He has outlived the statistics for this deadly tumor by several years.

He and I grew up together in Virginia, living next door and sharing many adventures. He is three years older than I so he was the one who I followed as a child to learn about the woods and making forts.  We remained close over the years, and he is my closest living relative.

His wife has cared for him since diagnosis.  She has eschewed the prognosis of doctors and embraced spiritual healing for both of them.  In the beginning when she would tell me about the crystals, the invasion of his body by his deceased mother who had many issues of her own, and how the healers were working to rid his body of his mother's tentacles, I thought that she needed the padded room.   But as I listened to her, I respected that she had every right to believe what she did.  Who was I to tell her what to believe or judge her for those beliefs?  

Last night, she told me that he will have a shamanic death in which he will decide to die and not return,  or will die and come back healed.  She spoke of the illusion that she had of his getting well.  Now she has let go of the illusion but keeps her belief that he has to have his journey.  She was calm and accepting.  I listened and asked a few questions to determine whether he was responsive or not.  She doesn't want any family to be there.  I would like to tell him good bye but will do that from afar.

I know that he has received so much love from her.  She has sacrificed herself to give him strength, trying to love him well.  I hope that the transition comes soon and that she is able to have a life for herself without him.  


I cured with the power that came through me. Of course, it was not I who cured, it was the power from the Outer World, the visions and the ceremonies had only made me like a hole through which the power could come to the two-leggeds.  If I thought that I was doing it myself, the hole would close up and no power could come through. Then everything I could do would be foolish. ~Black Elk - Oglala Sioux

Hard to put into words

Yesterday,  the meeting topic was about the spiritual experiences that we have.  I listened to all the shares but kept silent.  I know that I have had numerous spiritual experiences. Sometimes the words just don't seem adequate to describe the intensity of those I have had.  I've written about one here and another here on this blog. These events were clearly ones that showed me there was a connection in spirit with my parents as they were dying.  I believe these were spiritual experiences.  

The reading of amends to my parents during my ninth step was another spiritual experience. We were in a cemetery at the old church where my home group meeting is held. It's a peaceful place with many old live oak trees.  The letters that I read were those that I had written to my parents and a couple of other relatives. After reading, I put each letter in a pot and my sponsor set fire to each one. We watched the smoke rise up and waft about on the wind.  As I read the letters to my parents, the wind shifted and the smoke surrounded me.  It was as if they were letting me know all was okay.

I have described these experiences in meetings before.  They affect me in a profound way.  Yet, every day there are other "Ah-ha" moments of enlightenment.  The people that I meet, the conversations that I have with those I sponsor, sharing the steps, living with alcoholism, having the sailboat--these are all experiences that I think were meant to be.  Each experience opens me up to be more receptive and more alive.  I am so much more aware and appreciative of life. Every day is an opportunity to be clearer in what's important and what can be let go.

I know that not every day or situation is one that I am fully awake to yet.  My awakening is an evolving process.   I liken the feeling of spiritual awakening to the tide.  It rolls in and carries me in a wave of good feelings.  And then it also may depart, leaving me behind,  feeling vulnerable and stranded.  But I know that the good tide of feelings will return.  And with those moments when I am awash in the wonderment of life, I know that my spirit is awakening, little by little, one day at a time.

Quiet contemplation

I went to a good meeting tonight about meditation.  Meditation is defined as solemn contemplation in the dictionary.  For me, I define it as quiet contemplation. I am able to quiet my mind when I am surrounded by nature.  Being on the boat is one of the most peaceful places for me.  Lately, I've been looking out the window at the trees.  They are a Joseph's Coat of color.  Taking in their beauty quiets my mind.

The spiritual aspect of Al-Anon promises that my life will be transformed.  I will become a mature, responsible individual with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment and wonder.  I will discover that I am both worthy of love and loving.  I have been mature and responsible since I was a kid because I had to be. Being worthy of love is something that has come much harder.  I am glad to not believe the voices in my head that seek to sabotage love and loving.

I used to think about what my life might have been without having alcoholism be a part of it.   Because I don't know anyone who has not had someone in their family who was dysfunctional in some form, I wonder whether there are any true "normies" out there.  Mostly, I think that we are all messed up in some way and just trying our best to get by.

It has been a rough time once again with the in-laws.  But amazingly, both have rallied and are doing better today.  It is easy to develop anxiety over what is happening as the parents become more frail and sick.  Tonight, after hearing shares about not hanging on to life's burdens, I felt much lighter.  In fact, it felt as if I had given a lot of the anxiety over to the "light".  I thought of it as the same golden light that I saw this morning and this evening as I watched the sun and moon rise and set.

I can't change the course of life's progression towards death.  It is something that will come, be grieved, and released.   Just knowing that I have been through the death of both my parents and survived helps me to be able to hold my wife and comfort her.  I don't want to see her in pain.  But I can no more take away her pain than I can change the movement of the moon and the sun.  Tonight, I feel that we will be okay.  She is sleeping quietly. And tomorrow is another day.

We Agnostics

It was another cool, overcast day here.  I was so lazy this morning.  I didn't get out of the v-berth until around 10 AM which is really late for me.  I fixed a good breakfast and then did some engine maintenance on the boat.  It was a pretty ordinary day in a lot of ways.

The open AA meeting last night was huge.  People kept coming until there were about 40 people where there usually are around 15.  It's a Big Book study which is good.  I enjoyed listened to the shares on the chapter "We Agnostics".  I think that the question of a Higher Power is what has kept a lot of people away from Al-Anon.  I remember when I was struggling with the whole Higher Power concept.  Being a scientist, I want facts.  Instead what I found was faith.  I am not religious but can believe that there is something more powerful than me.  And there have been too many coincidences to think otherwise.

I was never too sure about all the religious teachings that I learned as a child. Not much seemed to add up.  But what I like about spirituality is that I simply need to have faith in something and have a willingness to believe.  I am glad that each person comes up with a concept of a Higher Power.  For me, it is cosmic energy---something that connects me to other people and to every living thing.  That connectedness is sacred.  With some people, I feel such a strong connection that it is as if I have known them all my life.  With others, I have to let the layers fall away in order to see who they are.  And be open and willing to not judge.

This is difficult stuff for me.  Yet, I have felt so much peace since I was willing to believe that I am not all powerful.  That was quite a burden to carry for a long time--thinking that I had the power all by myself.  Let me tell you, there is strength in numbers.  I don't have to do any of this alone.  I don't need to power through life without a helping hand,  or without faith.  I can reach out, call someone, share a problem, ask for help.  It is much better than having to always rely on myself for solutions.

I have learned that there are some things that I will never solve.  There are people that I will never change.  And that is okay.  I can let those things go.  I no longer try to figure out everything.  And amazingly enough,  a lot of worry has been removed.

One of the most symbolic ways for me to let go is to open up my tightly clenched fist and laying my palms flat, visualize a release of what I have been trying to control. I may not have the answers for those who are agnostic.  But for me, I have seen enough powerful things at work in life to realize that there are miracles afoot.   I am grateful to have my eyes wide open to all the possibilities.

Dreams

Art walk on Friday night was so cool.  ran into some friends and got a chance to catch up.  Downtown was breezy and surprisingly cool.  We only went into three galleries, but there was much to see.  I thought that there was some world class art.  Very inspiring. I feel as if I would like to start painting again.  But I would need to start from scratch.  I haven't done any painting since the early days of graduate school.  I have my old kit but doubt if any of it is any good.  A lot of excuses about not doing it, but there is an awakened passion for doing it.  More will be revealed, I'm sure.

Yesterday, it rained and was a good soaking rain.  The garden is still yielding tomatoes and eggplants. I will get out there and weed this week.  With the raised beds, it isn't as much of a chore as it would be with rows on the ground. 

I went to an open AA meeting last night and Appendix II--Spiritual Experience from the Big Book was read and discussed.  It is no coincidence that the Al-Anon meeting on Thursday was about having a spiritual awakening.  I cannot remember reading Appendix II before.  But reading "Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery" sure says it all. 

I have been having a lot of dreams lately about my wife and my father.  They are both drinking or drunk.  I am looking for them and have to search and search until I find them in a bar.  I have had these dreams before, and they are unsettling.  I awake and shake off the feeling of the dream.  But having these dreams night after night up until this weekend suggests anxiety in my subconscious. 

And there are other dead relatives in these dreams as well.  All sitting around or walking in and out of rooms. What are they trying to tell me?  One morning I awoke and thought, "Is this the transition to death for me?".   I don't think that it is, but such dreams are so real that they are unsettling.  I remember my mother telling me a couple of days before she died suddenly about her dream of dancing with my father.  Her dream was a happy dream, filling her with delight.  These dreams of mine were not happy but filled with angst and seeking.  I am glad that for now, my dreaming mind is free of them. 

We are off to do some things about town.  Maybe we will go to see a movie about the loggerhead turtle later.  The day is ahead, and it appears to be full of promise.  Hope that yours is also.

Friday thoughts

Lots to do today.  We are going to the art walk tonight which happens on the first Friday of every month. Lots of local talent in various galleries.  Gas lit street lamps and cobblestones.

The heat wave continues.  Yesterday, the heat index was 122 F.  There was a breeze, but it was packed with heat and humidity.  Maybe the tropical storm will send some rain and cloud cover this way.

The meeting topic yesterday was on having a spiritual awakening.  Mine came gradually--no lightening bolt moments.  I do believe Step 12--"Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps....."  As a result of the steps, not as a result of going to meetings, reading books but actually doing the work with a sponsor who has a sponsor.  Now I know that the "Ah-hah" moments are not coincidence but my HP working.

Trying to figure out what to do during the day this weekend to beat the heat while staying on an un-airconditioned boat at the marina for the night.  Maybe Barnes and Noble or the public library to sit and read, or a movie.  I am sure that something will come up that will be a solution. 

Working on information on horseshoe crab to share in an article.  Fascinating critters that have been around for millions of years.  And we humans could not do without their blood from which is extracted cells that are used to test for bacterial contamination in medical devices and injectable drugs. Horseshoe crab blood coagulates in the presence of minute quantities of gram-negative bacterial endotoxins. Known as the LAL test, it is currently the worldwide standard for screening medical equipment for bacterial contamination.  No other known procedure has the same accuracy as the LAL test.  I hope that they remain with us in spite of our using their blood and messing with their habitat.


Have a good Friday.  I am off to start my day.

A spiritual awakening

Tonight we talked about Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.  We shared what we thought it meant to have a spiritual awakening.  If I have awakened, what does that mean in my life?  How do I know?

For me, there was not really any one moment of clarity that I can single out.  There wasn't a lightening bolt of enlightenment.  Rather, it seems that day by day I have changed.  I know what I was before and can feel inside how I am now.  There is a difference. 

Some of what has happened to me, I attribute to knowing that I am not alone.  I now have friends who sincerely care about me.  I can pick up the phone and call people who will listen with acceptance.  Now that I have people to talk to, who understand the effects of alcoholism and what it takes to recover,  I am not stuck in my own head to work things out.  I am not alone with the killer of obsessive thinking that drove me to over analyze everything.  Part of my spiritual awakening is that I have learned to quiet my mind.  Meditation and realizing that I don't have to figure everyone else out has changed me. 

I have steadily become more aware of what I need to live a life without having to be doing something just for the sake of doing it.  My spiritual awakening has helped me to narrow the many choices down to what I really think matters.  I don't need to pretend that I enjoy doing something.  I actually can make a choice and not feel guilty about saying NO. What a relief to not play the game anymore of having to pretend to be somebody.  I am somebody now without the pretending.

Another part of my spiritual awakening is the realization that I am not in charge of anyone else's life.  I don't have the power to make another person recover,  make them do what I want, be what I want, or love me the way that I want.  My awakening has been to mind my own business and be happy with who I am.

My awakening is an evolving process.  Not every day or situation is one that I am fully awake to.  I liken the feeling of spiritual awakening to the tide.  It rolls in and carries me in a wave of good feelings.  And then it also may depart, leaving me behind,  feeling alone and scared.  But I know that the good tide of feelings will return.  And with those moments when I am awash in the wonderment of life, I know that my spirit is awakening, little by little, one day at a time. 

The following is something that I found online about how to know that you have had a spiritual awakening.  I don't know who wrote it, but I believe that I get these.  They are becoming a part of my life.

1--An increased tendency to let things happen , rather than make them happen.

2--Frequent attacks of smiling.

3--Feelings of being connected with others and nature.

4--Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.

5--A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears based on past experience.

6--An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.

7-- A loss of the ability to worry.

8-- The loss of interest in conflict.

9--A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others

10-- A loss of interest in judging others.

11--A loss of interesting in judging self.

12--Gaining the ability to love without expecting anything in return.

And that is what I am experiencing now more and more.  God, it feels so good.

Letters to the dead

I have had some old letters on my mind today.  For some reason,  I can't get them off my mind.  I discovered them years ago when I closed the estate of an aunt in Virginia.  Among the possessions were a number of daily spiritual readers.  Inside the front and back covers of the books were letters that she had written to her son who was killed in action in France on September 13, 1944.

Throughout the book are notes written in the margins.  I believe that these daily readers sustained her in the days and years after her son was killed.  She poured out her feelings and her sorrow and her faith on these pages.

I am not a fan of war.  I hope that there will not be any more wars.  I want to remember the brave people who fought for us, but also to remember the tragedies of history so as not to repeat them.  So I've copied down excerpts from her letters here to remind me of the sacrifice and the tragedy of war.

Dear Son,
It is April 28, 1945.  I am visiting in a place of beautiful lakes, stately oaks and glorious flowers of all kinds that bedeck the sidewalks and gardens. The gray moss waves in the branches of the trees and glistens like silver making a picture so real that I marvel at the power of nature and God's wisdom in creating a world so restful and artistic.  

I came here two months ago.  Like many other mothers the world over, I had received a message: "The War Department Regrets." This message changed the whole course of your life, and a world of happiness becomes sadness and grief.  How foolish to run from sorrow.  Your loss, dear son, is so much apart of me, there is no escape. 

It has been said "We die the death inherent in our lives." We get the kind of death that our nature's attract.  The brave die adventurously.  You knew no fear and loved adventure.  Your bravery was so fully proven in facing death.  

God help me to accept with uncomplaining grace my heart breaking sorrow, and to carry on until such time, when I am called to sleep the sleep from which we wake no more.  And I pray, I will be worthy of meeting you son, who did and gave so much that my remaining years be spent in a land of peace.  Until we meet my dear, rest in peace.  
Mother

Monday afternoon, October 22, 1945
Dear Son,
A lieutenant buddy of yours came to see me today.  He had just returned from France.  He was with you when you were wounded and spoke with you before you passed on. 

He said you gave your life that many men could be saved.  He pictured you as a hero, loved by all and a true friend to the end.  I was so glad that he came for it seemed like a message from the beyond saying "Mother, chin up. I won't be back, I'm just away."
God bless you, my child. 
Mother

Letter to my son May 13, 1945
A day to remember son.  It's Mother's Day.  A day of prayer of victory in Europe. Eight months ago today you gave your young life paving the way, making this victory come true. 

There will be no roses for me today.  No message resting in the scented box saying "I love you Mother" for the boy who never forgot to remember isn't here any more. 

But dear I feel you know that the memories of those days are so alive and real that I will relive them so completely, that when the sun rests tonight in the west, it will be almost as if you were here.  
Mother

April 28, 1946

Dear Son, 
Tonight it came over the radio that the war in the West was over.  You dear will never know what a battle I fought.  I have to be happy for other mothers more fortunate than I.  I went out and took a walk with the little dog.  

There came over me a peace in the thought that you when in a football game, never cared how you came out as long as your team won.  Well, your team is winning now.  You paid an awful price my dear, but knowing you as I do, I know you would not think that price too high for complete victory.  I feel you must know when your team will reach the goal line, and your spirit will be there when the score is read the world over. 
My love,
Mother

And in the overleaf of the book where she wrote these letters, here is her hope:
"If ever you are burdened down
By the loss of those you love.
Just take this book, and turn the page
Meditate and think.

The consolation you'll obtain will give you strength and peace again.
In helping others, we forget
The cross we have to bear.
And trusting God to guide our steps,
We enter heaven by prayer. "

Amen to that.

Unhappiness and the spiritual malady

We had a good meeting tonight with the topic being happiness.  It seems to be an elusive thing for many in Al-Anon.  One lady tonight asked if there was a light at the end of the tunnel?  I know that there is because I could see nothing but darkness for a long time.  So if you've been going to meetings for a while, yet you still feel unrest and unsettled, maybe there is something else that could be done to remedy the situation.

It's not the external things that are unmanageable, although at times they can cause a lot of heartache. It's the inward unmanageability that made me miserable for so long. For me, I felt discontent, out of sorts with myself and others, and generally unhappy. With my disease of thinking, I had to get at the root of those issues that had affected me my entire life. I had to understand what the pain was within me.

For the alcoholic, it is clearly spelled out in the Big Book that a spiritual malady has symptoms like:

1. being restless, irritable, and discontented,
2. having trouble with personal relationships,
3. not being able to control our emotional natures,
4. being a prey to (or suffering from) misery and depression,
5. not being able to make a living (or a happy and successful life),
6. having feelings of uselessness,
7. being full of fear,
8. unhappiness,
9. inability to be of real help to other people (page 52),
10. being like "the actor who wants to run the whole show" (pages 60-61),
11. being "driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity" (page 62),
12. self-will run riot (page 62),
13. leading a double life (page 73),
14. living like a tornado running through the lives of others (page 82), and
15. exhibiting selfish and inconsiderate habits.

These symptoms of unmanageability were prevalent in my life when I first came to Al-Anon and continued until I took actions to work at removing them. These actions were:

• Getting a sponsor
• Following the guidance of my sponsor
• Talking to my sponsor on a daily basis
• Working the steps with my sponsor
• Being of service to others
• Continuing to take personal inventory daily
• Using prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God daily

I don't know why there are those in the program who think that only going to meetings is going to solve the spiritual malady. It certainly helps to go to meetings, but unless there is recognition of powerlessness, the need to seek a Power Greater than myself, and being of service to others, I would not be getting the full promise of the program.

I hear people in meetings say that they have been coming for years to Al-Anon and yet, they don't have a sponsor, don't use a sponsor, don't work the steps, and wonder why they feel miserable. This program has so much to offer, if I choose to work it. I may know that I'm powerless but that's just the first step. There are Twelve Steps, not just one.

In working the steps, I learn to trust and accept what I hear in my interactions with other people in the group. I awaken spiritually to parts of me that have been blocked by my character defects. And I continue to grow spiritually through service to others.

So if I'm to benefit from all that Al-Anon has to offer and want the promises to come true in my life, then I need to work the complete program of recovery.

How could we be any more different?

I wrote this thinking about a particularly bad evening.  There were a lot of ugly insults hurled back and forth.  But in the end, I couldn't beat the alcoholic at her game.  I learned that alcoholism "victimizes the victims".  Yet, after a night of crazy thinking, I awoke to realize that there is a new day and a solution. 

I am slow to anger and you flail me with your angry words.


I can accept responsibility for my wrongs and you want me to be responsible for yours as well as mine.


I have let go of my resentments through an amends to you.  You throw your resentment back in my face over and over. And resent me because of something that you did.


I want there to be trust and honesty.  You keep secrets and hide so much from me.


I have wanted happiness and good times.  You say that I have made your life miserable for many years.


I have a hard time forgetting the harsh words said in anger.  You sleep peacefully and awake in the morning as if nothing has happened.


I am weary and tired of the charade.  It has taken its toll on my heart and my mental health.  I have decided that the best thing to do is to let you go your own way.  I don't want to have you pull me closer and then push me away.  I am not ready to give in to your truths that aren't really true at all.  I am not going to be a victim in order for you to feel good about yourself.

This is what I think alcoholism does.  It beats down the psyche if I let it. It has the ability to warp my reality if I come to believe the reality that you speak.  It can make me feel less than, smaller than, and sicker than any one else if I'm not careful.   I am looking for a solution and a Higher Power that is much stronger than you.  It is within me and it is something that you can't kill. 

Jump start my spirit

I feel as if I need something to jump start my spirit today.  I haven't been to a meeting this week due to being on the road.   I had set up three meetings with sponsees yesterday and today, but each one of them has canceled.  And I feel a bit lost about this.  You see, I get a lot of my recovery from working with others. It is as mutualistic a relationship as the bee with the flower: the flower gets its pollen passed to another flower and the bee gets a food reward from nectar.  Somehow my spirit thrives when there is such "cross pollinating" with others in the program. 

I talked to each of the sponsees.  Life is going on for them just as it has for me this week.  One canceled due to concentrating on a daughter's graduation, one canceled because he needed to rest,  another canceled because of another event that came up.  I talked to another sponsee who was taking his dad to an appointment.  He said that he would call back but hasn't.  And another sponsee hasn't called in two weeks.

I called my sponsor this morning to check up on him and chat.  It is almost a daily thing for me.  We connect, talk about things, share what is going on and then go about our day.  But there is a connection.  I'm not sure how the connection broke down this week with my sponsees.  Yep, I was out of town but only heard from them to cancel.  Maybe they are doing great.  I hope so.  I simply have to let them go about their business.

I also received an admonishing email from an old colleague who thought that C and I must go to Virginia to a memorial service this weekend for another colleague who died a couple of months ago.  The email stated that being the best friend of the deceased (J.), he knew that J. would want us there.  He wrote:
"I would have gone to India for J.'s memorial, but then he really was my best friend, and you rarely get one of those.  Can you believe there will be 300 people there?  Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain.  It’s not something you learned in school. But if you haven’t  learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything."

Maybe this was designed to instill guilt, maybe to control and manipulate, or maybe it was purely about his losing his best friend.  I don't know but decided that the lecture on friendship was really a bit much.  We both talked to J. before he died.  He is gone now.  I can just as well remember him the way that he once was.  In fact, I much prefer that. Besides, I doubt if J. really cares at this point how many people are there or whether we are. The spirit world is much more forgiving than the world of the living. 

As for a renewal of my spirit, I'm going to go out on the boat this weekend.  No surprise there. It's going to be hot but a decent breeze.  I will not spend too much time musing on sponsee commitments, guilt trips, or other matters that I am powerless over.  In fact, I can feel my spirits lift after writing this down.  Thanks for reading.

Intellectualizing

I really like my Tuesday night meeting.  It is filled with all kinds of people at different levels of recovery and no recovery.  There are newcomers who cry, people who come but have no sponsor, others who have a lot of wisdom, and many double winners of which several violate the traditions.  The group is large and the room is filled to overflowing every Tuesday night.

Last night, I brought a fellow who had not gone to this meeting before.  He has been in Al-Anon for a number of years.  His impression of the group was that there was a lot of intellectualizing going on.  He stressed that Al-Anon is a spiritual program and isn't about the intellect.   

I know a lot about intellectualizing.  It's what I do as a scientist.  In recovery though, it means avoiding emotional and personal awareness of the problem of alcoholism by being general, analytical, or theoretical.  An example of this comes to mind in which one justifies not dealing with underlying feelings because their childhood was so bad. 

Al-Anon is a spiritual program which means that I have a relationship with my Higher Power that isn't intellectual.  I have faith and a belief.  I also have a gift from this program that allows me to put myself in the shoes of another.  And through this principled determination of compassion I put aside self-will, judgment, and a host of other character defects and enhance the capacity of my heart. Eventually, as I progress the head and heart will be in alignment. 

I cannot intellectualize my way to a spiritual experience.  It basically gets down to walking the walk and not just talking the talk.  I must act on my compassion, not just pray out of compassion.

I have a concern about intellectualizing this program.  I speak plainly with my sponsor, but often with people in every day life, I have difficulty transitioning between the truth of my heart and the gray matter in my head. 

I have read that surrender is not only a part of Step One but is also essential in Steps Two and Three. I want to surrender those defense mechanisms of the ego that keep me off the spiritual path.  What are your thoughts on intellectualizing recovery? 

Sick as your secrets

"You're only as sick as your secrets
The things you keep inside
The stories so awful, so hurtful ~ YOU think
The ones you choose to hide
The feelings you wall off and keep at bay
The past you regret each and every day
The memories you wish would never be
The stuff you hope no one ever sees
You're only as sick as your secrets
The longer you hide them you'll find
They'll rob you of joy and sanity
They'll drive you right out of your mind
They'll keep you from living life to the full
They'll tug at your heart, push and pull
You apart ~ like a puzzle, piece by piece"

I have heard that we're only as sick as our secrets. I've been wondering about what secrets have done in my life. I know that I tried to keep a secret about my father's drinking when I was younger. And in my marriage I did what I could to keep it a secret that my wife drank and that we had problems in our marriage. For some illogical ego-driven reason, I wanted us to be the "perfect" couple.

I can remember that when we first moved to our current jobs many years ago, I thought that this would be a chance to have a "new" life. We could "start" over. Now I know that the geographic cure only is temporary and that wherever I go, I bring myself.

I felt a tremendous safeness when I did my fifth step. It was the first time that I had unburdened and loosened up all the secrets. I realize that every day I can speak truth because when I believed Step Two, I believed that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I have had to come to the realization yet again that sanity for me means that I let others think and do whatever they need to think and do. It's none of my business.

I never let anyone do anything to me that I wasn't complicit about. I went along with the program. I let the alcoholics hurt me, take my self esteem lower, leave my mind in turmoil. That was done with all my cooperation.

I know and do believe that living a spiritual life is necessary for me to regain my self. Honesty is a huge part of this program. Being honest is not an easy thing to do sometimes, it can be frightening, and sometimes painful. But without it I will not only hurt those I care about but will hurt myself worse. When I chose to do the steps, I looked forward to getting rid of secrets and to break the logjam in my head that told me to keep things to myself.

But what do I do when others in my life decide that they want to hold onto their secrets? I suppose that the fairy tales that I read have led me to believe that if I share my innermost thoughts to another, then they would do the same with me. The secrets are really a barrier that prevents closeness, enhances inadequacy, and keeps me selfish.

My own self-disclosure was humbling. But just as I am powerless over alcoholism, reality is that even those closest to me don't have to tell me their secrets just because I want them to.

There are people that I love who have left a mark on me that hasn't gone away. They have provided a mirror on my own being so that when I looked in their eyes I found parts of myself. And then there are those who I haven't seemed to connect with or engage my being with no matter how much I stayed open or made them feel safe. And now I wonder what they needed and if they will ever find it anywhere. I think that those are the people with whom I only received a tiny piece of their being and will look back and wonder what if they had given more.

What I do know is that we aren't so different from each other. It's just that somewhere one person is willing to step up at a crucial moment and break the silence, share the secrets, and become whole. I don't want to be the one alone who suffers in silence.

I still think that my relationship would become more open if others were willing to share their painful secrets. I now know that secrets have kept me sick for a long time. Being willing to listen, share and be well is a better option.

. . in silence might be the privilege of the strong, but it was certainly a danger to the weak. For the things I was prompted to keep silent about were nearly always the things I was ashamed of, which would have been far better aired . . .
—Joanna Field

Spiritual Power

I listened to a speaker at a meeting yesterday who touched my heart. I am convinced that God was speaking through him. I've heard speakers before who have spoken convincingly but somehow what they said seemed to be ego driven. Instead what I heard from this fellow was purely spiritual and so inspiring.

I know that I have a power to accomplish things in life but having spiritual power isn't about accomplishing something or using force of will. Instead it's about surrendering my will. I have to work on my spiritual power because there are times when I still think that I can work at living by my sheer energy and force of ego.

I have read that spiritual power means that I have come to the realization that the visible world is part of a much greater spiritual world. Having spiritual power means that I see God in each person and thing, that I feel compassion and caring for others, and I do my best to live by God's will and not mine.

I think the practice of the Twelve Steps enabled me to see that all I had to do was to let the God of my understanding into my life. And by doing that my Higher Power showed me that I didn't have to stay miserable. I could begin to truly set my mind and spirit free.

I don't remember the moment when this occurred. It wasn't a specific epiphany but it was a gradual process in which my thinking began to change. I began to let go of judgment, selfishness, guilt, and even my fears have lessened since being in Al-Anon. I have heard that EGO means edging God out. That was what I used to do. I still want to tell God my will for him and what to do to carry it out, but that means of thinking fails me miserably.

And what I heard from the fellow speaking yesterday was that he had the spiritual power. It made an extraordinary difference in his life. He spoke of learning about love and giving love to others. And because of the spiritual power that seemed to be in his life, he had freedom from fear, love and tolerance of others, and could respond to life without self-pity. He spoke of service to others in which he received much more than he ever gave.

I have seen this over time with my sponsees. I see them struggle and I put out a hand to steady them. But it is God who has His hand on me.

Fears

This is the second part of a workshop. This one is on fears which happens to be a big one for me, especially when it comes to relationships. Here are some suggestions for dealing with fear:

1. I find that I've dealt with my fear of abandonment and rejection by talking to my sponsor; going to meetings and working with newcomers; and by remembering that this is a spiritual program. I can get through a lot with God's help and by praying to follow His will.

2. When full of fears and doubts, I find that the Serenity Prayer and slogans are a big help. The Serenity Prayer can be my mantra and eases my obsessing thinking. "Easy Does It" is a great slogan that tells me to slow down, to not expect too much, to take time to reflect on the ideas, aims, and goals of the program. I also like "How Important Is It?" which tells me to stop obsessing over the little things.

3. I have reaped what I have sown in so many ways. I started out life with hope, faith, and confidence. Gradually, the insidious doubt, fear, and despair crept in. I now have the right stuff from the Twelve Steps to ask for help from my Higher Power and from others. I know how to dispel fear and stay spiritually and emotionally fit.

4. My ability to fight fear may be one day at a time or sometimes, hour by hour. I have learned to sort out my worst fears and face them squarely. By facing them, I discover that I have already lived through most of them. Worry only seems to enlarge them.

5. All fears can be vanquished by vigilant effort. Life without fear is a heavenly blessing and the whole world is a different place when I have peace of mind. I can have freedom from fear if I choose to follow the program as it gradually unfolds, practice the steps more honestly and make a decision to trust in my Higher Power. Because I am only human, I will falter and the fear will return, but courage to try again and faith in my Higher Power will conquer these fears.

6. Learn to relax. Learn to listen. and Learn to laugh. Put these into daily practice and many of my fears will flee.

7. My fears are mostly unfounded and magnified. I have the courage to face it, sort it out and acknowledge it and if it is the worst, I am at the bottom the only way to go is up.

8. Faith helps me to face up to my distrust, my defects and my reality. If I close myself off from faith, then the fears take hold. "Fear knocked at the door. There was no one there."

9. If I tell my fears by sharing my story, I am exposing them. I have learned to laugh at many things that once made me cry. If I share my experience, strength and hope and am generous with my past, I am helping others. I won't let pride, fear or shyness hold me back. If I give away what I have then I will be better for it.

10. The worst thing about fear is that each time I allow myself to become prey to it, it makes it easier to succumb a second or third time until fear becomes entrenched. The solution is to face it, analyze it, and pursue it until I determine the worst that could happen. I find that working with my sponsor is helpful. I have confidence in him and know that he he has faced many fears as well. Once I face the fear and pursue it to the end, I can go onward. Each time I do this, courage will replace the nameless fears.

11. When my calmness and serenity is broken by getting emotionally upset, I need to talk to someone in the program and talk it out. If I can stay calm and reach out, I will recover quicker. A quiet time alone with my Higher Power will often bring back my serenity. It will bring me the calm needed to make rational decisions.

It is up to me to think through my problems and find a solution that I can accept. It does me no good to panic or to obsess on something over and over. I have found that protesting a solution isn't productive. I need to hunt for the solution because there is one if I look hard enough. Sometimes, the solution is that I have to accept something I can't change. That isn't easy. It takes time and practice and courage.

Abundance

I have been feeling a bit down over the past few days. I started to get the focus off myself and onto the alcoholic. Plus, I wasn't feeling so great physically because of having a cold. These things in concert are a recipe for me to slip into old behaviors.

I had planned a special weekend getaway in the mountains of North Carolina for the two of us. It is peak leaf time in mid October. I made a lot of calls only to find that everything was booked up. But I happened to call a place that I really liked and the owner told me that I was in luck. There had been a cancellation five minutes earlier. So I was so happy to be able to reserve a farmhouse by a stream.

I was bursting with enthusiasm when I told the plans to my SO. She was quiet and didn't say anything except...."Well, I'm not so sure that I want to go to the mountains." I explained about the cabin and how lucky it was to get a reservation. She then said, "Well, maybe the idea will grow on me."

I didn't try to convince her but said, "Okay, let me know what you would like to do." I mentally gave her until yesterday to let the idea "grow" on her. When she didn't say anything, other than she was looking forward to an oyster roast in February, I called yesterday and canceled the reservations.

I had let my enthusiasm for something that I thought would be romantic and fun build into an expectation. It felt good to let the expectation go. Perhaps there will be something else that she will want to do. Perhaps not.

Regardless of what another wants to do, I have choices about what I want to do. Most importantly, I can choose to not be miserable.

I realize that there is an abundance of great things in my life. I have an abundance of friends, an abundance of spirit, abundant love, abundant enthusiasm. And I'm surrounded by an abundance of beauty that is manifesting in the bluest of skies and the golden light shining on the water.

I realize that my spiritual abundance needed a boost. I found that in the noon meeting yesterday and through prayers of gratitude last night. Just as Walt Whitman wrote, "I celebrate myself, and sing myself". I feel abundantly okay today.

The spiritual bank

"Let nothing upset you;
Let nothing frighten you.
Everything is changing;
God alone is changeless.
Patience attains the goal.
Who has God lacks nothing;
God alone fills all of our needs."

Blessed Mother Teresa's Prayer

My spiritual bank got a little low last evening. I let myself get sucked into an expectation that didn't turn out the way that I wanted. I let someone else start to fill my needs.

When that happens I remind myself of the prayer above. It is my favorite prayer. It reminds me that I don't need to rely upon the unreliable. It reminds me that I lack for nothing today.

Because of the program, I think differently than I used to. I have insights that have brought about healing of myself. I have a clearer self-image. Much of my self-doubt has been replaced with a new confidence.

I've learned to trust my Higher Power who takes me places and shows me things that have opened my mind to so many possibilities. I am grateful for my transformation that is a direct result of God's grace.

Even my failures and shortcomings are things that I can learn from. They keep me humble. I am learning to appreciate the journey. I have never been a quitter, although I've wanted to do so many times.

I have taken plenty of tests in my life. And I've been tested quite a few times. But I don't just want to get by; instead, I want to do the best that I can. I want to continue to learn and grow. I know that as long as I keep working the program and trusting in God's will, that my spiritual bank will help prepare me for the tests of life to come.

Wednesday thoughts

I left the house at the crack of dawn to see the old WWII destroyer Laffey be towed out of the maritime museum en route to a nearby shipyard for repairs. She is full of holes from corrosion and her hull has been worn thin.

She was called the Ship That Would Not Die; yet, the sea has done to her what the kamikaze planes could not. So with no small amount of funding, the ship is going to be repaired so that she may return to the museum.

There were many veterans standing with me watching as she was pushed and towed into the Harbor channel. Some of these were men who had served on the ship. I can only imagine their excitement and anticipation at the thought of her being returned to a semblance of the ship that they served on. It made me feel good that she was getting another chance.

I could hear the tugs talking to each other on the VHF. They were being as delicate as they could with the old girl. The push boat was only there as a precaution because too much pushing could have punctured through the hull. The speed upriver to the yard was around 6 knots, enough speed to move with the tide but not enough to throw up a wake. I felt relieved when I heard that she had made it to her berth at the yard.

Everything seems like a wonder to me today. I'm feeling physically, emotionally and spiritually fit. My colleague got a sponsor at the meeting last night. He said that he prayed on his knees for the first time since childhood. My wife is going to her home group meeting tonight, and I'm going to go rowing. The God of my understanding is active and evident in my life. He filled up many of my holes with spiritual Bondo and gave me some extra plating so that I could stay afloat. I have a lot of gratitude for that.

Beautiful broken shell

I had decided not to write anymore about the murder that occurred of my friend's sister. But I felt that I had to say that the murder was drug-related. I don't know any details other than the lovely, gentle woman who was killed had a history of substance abuse.

I felt anger as I thought about how many lives drugs have taken. And how many individuals that we pass on the street, rub shoulders with in stores, or who live in our neighborhoods are cold-blooded killers. It sends a chill through me.

So I'm going to share a reading from the memorial service yesterday. It helped quiet me and gave me some peace.

"It is low tide and I watch, mesmerized, as the
ocean rises slowly...curls... and then spills its
white-laced foam onto the shore.

I walk by a broken scallop shell...
and leave it to search for
more perfect ones.

But then I stop...
go back...and pick up
the broken shell. I realize
that this shell is me
with my broken heart.

This shell is people who are hurting...
people who have lost loved ones...
people who are frightened or alone...
people with unfulfilled dreams.

Broken shells teach us not to
look at our imperfections... but to look
at the beauty... the great beauty...
of what is left.

I watch the rolling surf
toss new shells onto the shore,
and I am reminded of the many times
that I, too, have been tossed
by the storms of life and worn down
by the sands of time, just like
my beautiful broken shell.
But I am reminded that broken
shells don't stand alone.

Help me to remain childlike in my appreciation for life.
Please slow me down...that I may always see
the extraordinary in the ordinary.
That I may always wonder at the shell in the sand..
the dawn of a new day...the beauty of a flower..
the blessing of a friend...the love of a child.
In my brokenness, may I never take life so seriously
that I forget to laugh along the way.
May I always take the time to watch a kite dance in the sky...
to sing...to pick daisies...to love...to take risks...
to believe in my dreams."
From My Beautiful Broken Shell by Carol Hamlet Adams

That's all that I have today.