Saturday living

The old clipper sailboat that was built in Shanghai sold yesterday. She was bought by a nice fellow who was thrilled to get her. He is going to do a year-long restoration on her.

I know how thrilled he is because I am still so glad to have bought my boat a little over a year and a half ago. It was a happy day but also a bit daunting too. But any hesitation I had is gone. Since then I have gotten so much pleasure out of her, even though I spent money on her too. I don't begrudge any of that. I want to live a life that gives me and those I love pleasure.

The man who owned the old boat was a fellow who spent no money on her. He ran her aground four years ago and did nothing to check for damage. When she was pulled from the water yesterday, about 3 feet of her rudder was gone. He had told me there were a few "chips". In the final deal, he let the boat go at a much reduced price because of the rudder damage. He did not gain anything from his inaction or from not being forthcoming. Frankly, I was embarrassed to have told the buyer that the boat was in good shape when there was such a flaw.

I take care of the things that I have. My father taught me to treat things well and to not expect replacements. I am mindful of the value of what I have. Plus, I like fixing things myself--a DIY mentality. And if I can't fix something, I pay someone who will.

There are all kinds of people in this world. I don't have much respect for ones who hide and conceal things from others. Eventually, we all are found out for the wrongs that we do. What goes around does eventually come around.

Dreams

Art walk on Friday night was so cool.  ran into some friends and got a chance to catch up.  Downtown was breezy and surprisingly cool.  We only went into three galleries, but there was much to see.  I thought that there was some world class art.  Very inspiring. I feel as if I would like to start painting again.  But I would need to start from scratch.  I haven't done any painting since the early days of graduate school.  I have my old kit but doubt if any of it is any good.  A lot of excuses about not doing it, but there is an awakened passion for doing it.  More will be revealed, I'm sure.

Yesterday, it rained and was a good soaking rain.  The garden is still yielding tomatoes and eggplants. I will get out there and weed this week.  With the raised beds, it isn't as much of a chore as it would be with rows on the ground. 

I went to an open AA meeting last night and Appendix II--Spiritual Experience from the Big Book was read and discussed.  It is no coincidence that the Al-Anon meeting on Thursday was about having a spiritual awakening.  I cannot remember reading Appendix II before.  But reading "Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery" sure says it all. 

I have been having a lot of dreams lately about my wife and my father.  They are both drinking or drunk.  I am looking for them and have to search and search until I find them in a bar.  I have had these dreams before, and they are unsettling.  I awake and shake off the feeling of the dream.  But having these dreams night after night up until this weekend suggests anxiety in my subconscious. 

And there are other dead relatives in these dreams as well.  All sitting around or walking in and out of rooms. What are they trying to tell me?  One morning I awoke and thought, "Is this the transition to death for me?".   I don't think that it is, but such dreams are so real that they are unsettling.  I remember my mother telling me a couple of days before she died suddenly about her dream of dancing with my father.  Her dream was a happy dream, filling her with delight.  These dreams of mine were not happy but filled with angst and seeking.  I am glad that for now, my dreaming mind is free of them. 

We are off to do some things about town.  Maybe we will go to see a movie about the loggerhead turtle later.  The day is ahead, and it appears to be full of promise.  Hope that yours is also.

Secrets make us sick

"You're only as sick as your secrets
The things you keep inside
The stories so awful, so hurtful ~ YOU think
The ones you choose to hide
The feelings you wall off and keep at bay
The past you regret each and every day
The memories you wish would never be
The stuff you hope no one ever sees
You're only as sick as your secrets
The longer you hide them you'll find
They'll rob you of joy and sanity
They'll drive you right out of your mind
They'll keep you from living life to the full
They'll tug at your heart, push and pull
You apart ~ like a puzzle, piece by piece"

I have heard that we're only as sick as our secrets. I've been wondering about what secrets have done in my life. I know that I tried to keep a secret about my father's drinking when I was younger. And in my marriage I did what I could to keep it a secret that my wife drank and that we had problems in our marriage. For some illogical ego-driven reason, I wanted us to be the "perfect" couple.

I can remember that when we first moved to our current jobs many years ago, I thought that this would be a chance to have a "new" life. We could "start" over. Now I know that the geographic cure only is temporary and that wherever I go, I bring myself.

I felt a tremendous safeness when I did my fifth step. It was the first time that I had unburdened and loosened up all the secrets. I realize that every day I can speak truth because when I believed Step Two, I believed that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I have had to come to the realization yet again that sanity for me means that I let others think and do whatever they need to think and do. It's none of my business.

I never let anyone do anything to me that I wasn't complicit about. I went along with the program. I let the alcoholics hurt me, take my self esteem lower, leave my mind in turmoil. That was done with all my cooperation.

I know and do believe that living a spiritual life is necessary for me to regain my self. Honesty is a huge part of this program. Being honest is not an easy thing to do sometimes, it can be frightening, and sometimes painful. But without it I will not only hurt those I care about but will hurt myself worse. When I chose to do the steps, I looked forward to getting rid of secrets and to break the logjam in my head that told me to keep things to myself.

But what do I do when others in my life decide that they want to hold onto their secrets? I suppose that the fairy tales that I read have led me to believe that if I share my innermost thoughts to another, then they would do the same with me. The secrets are really a barrier that prevents closeness, enhances inadequacy, and keeps me selfish.

My own self-disclosure was humbling. But just as I am powerless over alcoholism, reality is that even those closest to me don't have to tell me their secrets just because I want them to.

There are people that I love who have left a mark on me that hasn't gone away. They have provided a mirror on my own being so that when I looked in their eyes I found parts of myself. And then there are those who I haven't seemed to connect with or engage my being with no matter how much I stayed open or made them feel safe. And now I wonder what they needed and if they will ever find it anywhere. I think that those are the people with whom I only received a tiny piece of their being and will look back and wonder what if they had given more.

What I do know is that we aren't so different from each other. It's just that somewhere one person is willing to step up at a crucial moment and break the silence, share the secrets, and become whole. I don't want to be the one alone who suffers in silence.

I still think that my relationship would become more open if others were willing to share their painful secrets. I now know that secrets have kept me sick for a long time. Being willing to listen, share and be well is a better option.

. . in silence might be the privilege of the strong, but it was certainly a danger to the weak. For the things I was prompted to keep silent about were nearly always the things I was ashamed of, which would have been far better aired . . .
—Joanna Field

Desperate times

 

There are a lot of people in desperate straits economically.  I live on an island where about 80% of the population is struggling.  Most of the work comes from agriculture and from commercial fishing.  Whenever possible,  I have done my best to hire local people to work on the property, either as a housekeeper, painter,  groundskeeper, electrician, etc.  

In the past,  I have had a couple of instances where my trust in people that were hired did not pan out.  One occurred when the daughter of a housekeeper we hired stole my wife's diamond ring.  This was a girl who was around 12 years old, and she would come to the house occasionally to help her mother with the house cleaning.  Luckily, we discovered the ring was missing, called the housekeeper who confronted her daughter.  We got the ring back thankfully.  

Another incident occurred when a trim carpenter we hired and trusted brought his 14 year old grandson with him to work on the bookshelves and mantle in the library.  It was just before Christmas.  The day after they left, C. was missing several rings, including her mother's engagement ring.  We called the police immediately and called the carpenter who drove out with his grandson.  The grandson admitted to going into the bedroom where the rings were but denied stealing them.  Instead, both grandfather and grandson insisted that someone else had come into the house when they were working and stolen the rings.  With the house being a mile down a dirt road and all the dogs around, this scenario was implausible.  Nonetheless,  there were no fingerprints and no way to prove anything.  The rings were gone along with a few Christmas presents.  It took a while, but eventually we were able to let that go and not dwell on it.  

Now once again there has been an incident that has brought concern.  I have had the same handy man, Thomas,  helping me for years around here.  He and I work together well.  He has eaten at our table.  We have loaned him money for an attorney when one of his kids got into trouble with the law.  He has always paid us back. 

This morning C. walked in on Thomas going through a drawer in the kitchen where I keep a wallet with cash to pay him and the housekeeper.  I had gone outside to check on the meat that was barbecuing in the big cooker.  C. said that he jumped when she walked in, became nervous, and when asked what he was looking for, was having a hard time putting a sentence together.  She told me about this after Thomas had gone outside to begin his work.  We checked the wallet and no money was missing.  I could feel myself feeling sick inside and so disappointed.  It was as if the bad experiences from the past were coming back.  

So we talked about it and decided to not make a huge issue out of this.  Instead, I asked Thomas what he was looking for in the drawer.  He said that he was looking for a piece of paper to write down a phone number.  Okay, maybe that is plausible.  So I told Thomas that if he needed something from the house to ask.  Neither of us really wants to think that he was going to steal from us.  But my gut tells me that I probably should not trust so completely.  I know that these are desperate times.  And sometimes even good people will do desperate and stupid things.  

I am processing this, trying to not let it stay in my mind and simply move on.  C. is remembering the Christmas a couple of years ago when the rings were stolen.  I can feel the grip of uncertainty lessening.  I did what I felt was the compassionate thing to do.  A  warning.  Another chance.  I think that we all deserve that. 

Integrity

Keeping the focus on me is a recurrent theme of the Al-Anon program.  Before I could keep the focus on me and not others in my life, I had to first understand who I was.

I think that working through the steps helped me to understand myself in ways that I never did before.  I came to know my character assets and my defects.  I learned what I valued in life rather what others told me to value. I learned what is acceptable and what isn't. I began to understand boundaries.  The Al-Anon program gives me tools to decide what my goals and values are, without someone else defining them for me. The Al-Anon program gives me the tools to help me make choices that are good for me, and teaches me how to stand by my decisions. This is all about developing integrity.

Integrity may be defined in several ways: It can mean:
1.  adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
2.  the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished.
3.  a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition


I am far from having these attributes in my life.  Every day I am reminded of my shortcomings in the areas of being undiminished, having a perfect condition, and adhering to moral and ethical principles.  But every day I also ask to do God's will.  And I ask that the character defects which keep me from a perfect condition and from being whole be removed.  God provides the moral compass by which I steer.

I know that integrity is essential in my commitment to this program of recovery.  I knew from many years of living with alcoholism that the alcoholics in my life were totally committed to their addiction.  That was the paradox of alcoholism.  They would resort to any means possible to drink and get away with it. They lived by "lie, deny and supply".  But I as the co-dependent also did not waver for years in my commitment to enable my wife.  I had a lot of integrity in that behavior towards others but very little in myself.  

Now, in recovery I have to apply the same fervor of integrity that I once had for the alcoholic. I need to honor myself and the promises that this program has for me.  I have to take my own inventory and realize that lies told to myself to rationalize and justify my shortcomings will not make me whole but keep me sick. 

I see this not only in myself but in sponsees who will resist going to meetings, taking on service work because "there isn't enough time to fit these into my schedule".  If I am honest with myself about the priorities in my life, then I will see that I can take time for my recovery because without it, other aspects of my life will truly suffer. The degree of integrity with myself can enhance my recovery in many ways.  


The following is a writing on integrity that Sula Lee at In-Laws with Money shared with me. I have had to read it many times to absorb all that it says. I thought that you might enjoy it.

The person of superior integrity does not insist upon his integrity;
For this reason, he has integrity.
The person of inferior integrity never loses sight of his integrity;
For this reason, he lacks integrity.


The person of superior integrity takes no action,
nor has he a purpose for acting.
The person of superior humanness takes action,
but has no purpose for acting.


The person of superior righteousness takes action,
and has a purpose for acting.
The person of superior etiquette takes action,
but others do not respond to him;
Whereupon he rolls up his sleeves
and coerces them.


Therefore,
When the Way is lost,
afterward comes integrity.
When integrity is lost,
afterward comes humanness
When humanness is lost,
afterward comes righteousness.
When righteousness is lost,
afterward comes etiquette.


Now,
Etiquette is the attenuation of trustworthiness,
and the source of disorder.
Foreknowledge is but the blossomy ornament of the Way,
and the source of ignorance.
For this reason,
The great man resides in substance,
not in attenuation.
He resides in fruitful reality,
not in blossomy ornament.


Therefore,
He rejects the one and adopts the other.


-Tao Te Ching 1 (38)

At face value

I have a new sponsee. He and I are getting together this week for the first time. I talked with him for a while last evening. I learned that he has worked the steps several times in another fellowship, yet doesn't understand the concept of powerlessness. He also was getting into some heavy stuff that seemed more like material for a session with a therapist.

In my interactions with sponsees I have to remind myself about what my boundaries are. I thought that the following was helpful. It came from a recent workshop on sponsoring.










Twelve Steps of a Sponsor (from AA Literature):

1. I will not help you stay and wallow in limbo.
2. I will help you grow, to become more productive, by your own definition.
3. I will help you become more autonomous, more loving of yourself, more free to continue becoming the authority of your own living.
4. I cannot give you dreams or “fix you up,” simply because I cannot.
5. I cannot give you growth, or grow for you. You must grow yourself, by facing reality, grim as it may be at times.
6. I cannot take away your loneliness or pain.
7. I cannot sense your world for you, evaluate your goals, or tell you what is best for you in your world; you have your own world.
8. I cannot convince you of the crucial choice of choosing the scary uncertainty of growing over the safe misery of not growing.
9. I want to be with you and know you as a rich and growing friend, yet I cannot get close to you when you choose not to grow.
10. When I begin to care for you out of pity, when I begin to lost trust in you, then I am toxic, bad, and inhibiting for you and you for me.
11. You must know – my help is conditional. I will be with you, hang in there with you, as long as I continue to get even the slightest hints that you are trying to grow.
12. If you can accept all of this, then perhaps we can help each other to become what God meant us to be . . . mature adults, leaving childishness forever to little children.

I take people at face value. I am willing to listen and not judge. That can be a good thing and it can be something that leaves me vulnerable. I believe in the rigorous honesty of this program. I believe that it is important to look at my part in situations. That is some of what I offer to sponsees and to those who read this blog.

If things are not what they seem, as has been mentioned in several blogs lately, then I am not aware of what the reality is. I am still taking people at face value. Like I said, it can leave me vulnerable. And that's a tedious place to be.

There is no easier softer way

I always like the part in the Big Book from "How It Works" about thinking that "......we could find an easier softer way. But we could not". In Al-Anon, there isn't an easier softer way either. No, we're not in imminent danger of drinking ourselves to death, but we are in danger of a slow, painful emotional death.

I've read a few blogs recently where people are trying an easier, softer way in my opinion. And I listen to this in meetings too. They are making a few meetings if there's time, they are reading a daily reader, but they still feel miserable. And yet, they wonder why.

My experience has been that there is no easier softer way. Half-measures do nothing but prolong the agony. Here are the "steps" that I took to find some peace of mind:

1. I got myself a sponsor. I trusted what I'd heard that I needed one. And so I found the person who would be my guide at my third Al-Anon meeting.

2. I did what my sponsor told me to do. I called every day, I did the readings, I went to several meetings a week, including open AA meetings.

3. I worked the steps. I didn't complain or worry that they would be too difficult. I wanted peace and serenity. I saw that in the faces of those who had worked the steps. I wanted what they had.

4. I started doing service work. I did little things at first...putting out literature, bringing food for meetings. Then I signed up to chair meetings. I told my story when asked to do so. I began to chair Beginner's meetings. And now I'm a GR as well as sponsor.

5. I didn't make up excuses. I work a demanding job. I sometimes don't get home until nearly 10 PM because I go from work to a meeting or to meet a sponsee. I'm not some kind of robot. I get tired and worn out. But this program is important enough to me that I give it time and energy.

6. I got honest with others and myself. I was done with denying things. I got a lot of stuff that had been haunting me off my chest. I realized that by getting rid of all the secrets that I had carried around for so long, I felt lighter in mind and body.

So if you're really looking to go down the road to recovery, then there is no easier, softer way. If you're content to stay stuck in the same pile of crap that you've been sitting in for all these years, then be my guest. I always liked that my sponsor would say, "it's nice and warm sitting in all that shit, but when you move around it stinks". Yes, it does. And being a half-person stinks too.

Thanks... I just needed to say these things.

an Honest Award

Thanks to Mary Christine for naming my blog for the Honest Award. I am appreciative for getting an award that indicates progress on one of my character defects. This award is my affirmation for the day.

The rules for this seem simpler than they are:
I'm to list 10 honest things about myself (no weazling room here)

I'm to pass the award on to 7 bloggers (I have no idea who already has gotten this)

So here goes:

1. I like computers and have six of them in the house--four of them are Mac's.

2. The most exciting aspect of my work has been going to the bottom of the ocean in a submersible.
3. I would rather write on my blog than work on scientific papers.
4. I like animals a lot and have several dogs and cats
5. I don't like to hear the telephone ring and would rather not answer it. And sometimes I don't.
6. I'm sick of the holiday stuff already and would rather that it be over.
7. I don't like to go into grocery stores. I find them boring and claustrophobic.
8. I am not a meat and potatoes person.
9. I like to stay up late at night but not get up in the morning.
10. If left to my own devices I would cook very little and could subsist on frozen pizza and BBQ wings.

So here are the bloggers that I want to give the award to:

Cedrorum at Mutual Casualty

Findon at the Rapacious Creditor

Michael at the Continuing Adventures of a Jedi Master

Jessie at Journey of the Spirit of Hope

Judith at Vicarious Rising

Mantra at Mantramine

Kristen at Progress not Perfection

If I get a chance to visit the above and let them know about the award, I'll have fulfilled my duties. And if anyone has already gotten the award, I'm sorry for having a bad memory (honest fact no. 11).

Happy Friday all.

Tell the Truth

In dealing with alcoholism, there is a lot of dishonesty. I've been dishonest with myself for a long time because I tried to pretend that things were going well. People would ask me how things were going and I'd say that they were "fine". I think that sometimes I believed that things were going well because it was too hard to look at the truth.

And then there is my unwillingness to hurt others. I'd been hurt plenty but when it came to being brutally honest about my feelings, I found it difficult to slash and cut the other person. Every time that I did say words that wounded, I would end up feeling bad for days. So it was easier to believe that I didn't deserve any better or that to live with an illusion that some day things would improve.

Finally, as I got into Al-Anon, I could no longer deny the truth about the alcoholics in my life nor could I deny that I was sick too. The truth that I had been afraid to look at finally came out. I could no longer live an illusion that all was well.

When I did my fifth step, it was a relief to tell my sponsor things that I had not shared with anyone else. It was a chance to truly come clean and let it all out. Revealing my character defects felt good but those that are still hanging around in my psyche are the ones that continue to pain me.

I know that there are some truths that I'm not willing to act on yet. I'm avoiding a few things by not being totally truthful. And the best way to describe it is to offer another version of step nine: told the direct truth to persons except when to do so would injure them or others. My intentions are good, but like the saying goes, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions".

I'll keep praying to not be so willful and selfish so that the truth will finally set me free.

Look at yourself

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror, staring really hard into the eyes looking back at you and said an affirmation? I look at myself in the mirror every morning and evening--combing my hair, brushing my teeth, and doing the general routine of getting ready for work or for bed. But seldom do I look into the eyes reflected in the mirror and think about something positive.

I may think that I have a few more gray hairs or that I need to lose a couple of pounds or that I need to shave but it's not much that's personal and positive about me. The other night at a meeting, we passed around a mirror and people were supposed to look into the mirror and say something positive about themselves. They were supposed to give an affirmation.

One lady took the mirror and closed it, saying that she didn't want to look at herself. She was gently coaxed by a long-timer to take a peek and say something good about herself. She sneaked a peek and said quickly that she was living a better life than ever before. We all smiled.

I'm going to work on looking at myself more often. And I'll say something positive about me such as "I'm feeling better about myself in many ways" or "I'm unique and special" or any of the many other affirmations that could be listed. Al-Anon's literature has a lot of affirmations. So now I can add some of my own that focus on the good things in my recovery rather than the problems in my life.

Start your engines

Well, in this case, I'm putting up my sails which are like engines on the boat and heading out for the island anchorage. It seems to me to have been a long week. But now it's time for a three day weekend which means that I'll get some rest, reading, and reprieve.

I was pleased that I received an excellent on my performance evaluation for the year. The director told me that generally people slow down in their performance as they near retirement, but I hadn't done that. I felt a bit like I had cheated though because in my heart I have slowed down. I do the things that are part of my job but not nearly with the the enthusiasm that I used to have. Perhaps I need to say something about that but I didn't.

It's true that on paper my achievements have been good over the past year. I've brought in funding, published papers, been active on national and state committees, etc. In short, I've done my job. In years past, I would have thought that I deserved an excellent rating. But the truth is that I don't think such a rating was deserved this year. Maybe it's because my heart and head weren't in alignment regarding my job. In my life, I feel much better about who I am and what I enjoy. Work just doesn't have the dominance in my life like it used to. I've learned that there are things out there to do that I enjoy and those less stressful things are what seem to bring me joy.

So, I'll be thinking about some of this over the weekend. But I'm also not going to let it ruin my weekend. Like I've heard in the rooms, "It is what it is."

Some excuses.......

I thought that I would post something humorous today. These are funny excuses that were written for children attending school. I guess these are malapropisms of a sort.

"Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."

"Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault."

"Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side."

"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face."

"Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor."

"Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over."

"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him."

"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part."

"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines."

"Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip."

"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."

"Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever.
There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night."

"Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating."

"George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach."

"Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout."

"Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."

"Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals."

I don't have any excuses for much anymore. Today is my second anniversary in the program and for that I'm thankful. There are no excuses for what I did in the past, just an honest appraisal of myself now. And I'm liking who I am these days.

How to tell your "story"

The topic at my homegroup meeting last night was "how to tell your story". Telling your story is one of those opportunities to serve that is part of the Al-Anon legacy: "Recovery through the steps; Unity through the traditions; and Service through the Concepts." It is also an honor to tell your story.

We talked about some of the components in telling about your self. It's important to talk about what your life was like, what happened, and what it's like now. This is basically what the "old" you was like, how you wanted to change, what changed you and what the "new" you is like today.

Telling your story is an opportunity to be completely honest with yourself and your group. It doesn't matter how many steps you've done or how long you've been in the program. What matters is that you have accepted that you have a problem because of someone else's drinking; that there are things happening you cannot control by yourself; that you have to ask for help from others to begin recovery and that you must focus on what you can do with the help of your Higher Power. You can share what you have learned in the program and how it is helping you .

I don't think that there is any definitive way to tell your story. It is up to the individual. I know that when I told mine the first time, there was a lot of pain and more focus on the past. Now there is more focus on recovery. And I explain my recovery in the context of the steps which are the real "meat and potatoes" of the program.

If telling your recovery story touches just one person, you're a success. That person will have hope because there is a real person talking about living a happy life even in spite of alcoholism. Your experience will help somebody else, which gives your pain meaning. I've found that people love to hear stories and learn more about others.

You don't have to be a great orator or public speaker. Just tell your own powerful truth from your heart, as you know it, as it happened to you.

Failure fatigue

A sober friend of mine has told me that he feels that he is a failure. At 45, he thinks his only accomplishments were those things that he did when he was a kid. And after 17 years of sobriety, I reminded him that it was an accomplishment to have gotten sober and stayed that way. I hope that he heard me.

I'm grateful today that I realize:

• my accomplishments are more about my character than how much money I've made.
• how fortunate I am to have accomplished just being myself
• I'm not trying to get anyone's approval anymore
• by getting honest I've come to respect myself more than ever.

The hopeful man sees success where others see failure, sunshine where others see shadows and storm. --O. S. Marden

Fourth month, fourth step

My home group meeting last night was on Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. We talked about the willingness to inventory ourselves in order to make progress in recovery.

When I did my inventory for Step Four, I did feel pain as I relived reasons for resentments that I felt. And it was hard to acknowledge that my attitudes had alienated me from others and from myself, as the person that I wanted to be. It was hard for me to realize that I had many positive attributes.

One of the things that we did last night was to talk about being willing to acknowledge the positive things about ourselves as well as the negative. It was hard for some of the members to list many positive things. Most of us tend to concentrate on our character defects. We are more comfortable emphasizing what's wrong with us.

But a moral inventory means the right and wrong things. Add to that the idea of being fearless and the inventory becomes a powerful and beneficial thing. As long as I'm willing to examine my strengths, weaknesses, self-destructive behaviors and aspects of goodness, I can begin to change for the better.

I think that the foundation of the first three steps is critical in doing an inventory. I had to face my powerlessness and the inability to manage my own life before I did the inventory. And I turned to my belief in a Higher Power who could restore me to sanity as I worked Step Four.

It was important that I left nothing out as I did Step Four. I had to be honest and get rid of my denial about what was hurting me and others. The purpose of Step Four is not to make ourselves feel worse, but to begin to remove those things that block out joy and love.

I've come to accept that I have good and bad traits. I know that there is a beast within. But I'm not afraid or fearful of those parts of myself that are untamed. I like my spirit, energy and vitality. I like that my beast can let go of complicated thoughts at times and just enjoy simple pleasures. I guess that I don't have much desire to be a castrated angel.

If not for the beast within us we would be castrated angels.
--Hermann Hesse

More practice, less analysis

I have to admit that I'm not a slouch in the brains department. But sometime over the past ten years my focus on intellectualism got diverted. It didn't seem important to keep up an intellectual appearance. I think that I became more and more humble as a listlessness pervaded me while dealing with my alcoholic and a marriage that was going no where. Hell, I felt as if I were going no where too. Not growing, not doing anything but putting one foot in front of the other.

Now I have a sponsee who intellectualizes everything. I recognize an earlier version of myself before my ego was crushed. I'm wondering how to reach this 24 year old person and get past the academic facade. He talks, I talk, I listen and he talks some more. But the talk seems to be a parroting of what one would read in a book. In other words, it doesn't seem sincere or ring true.

This is a thinking program no doubt, but I believe that the feeling part of the program is the most powerful aspect. I can read daily readers, I can read How Al-Anon Works but until I am ready to listen and am willing to let my ego stop running things, then I'm just going to be regurgitating words from a book.

An AA friend of mine calls this "analysis paralysis". I think that is an appropriate description. This is a simple program but no one ever said it was an easy program. Just become willing, get honest, and have a dose of humility. It works wonders.

Getting Honest

I'm up and heading out the door to the District meeting this morning. I didn't sleep too well and didn't want to get up. I've ruminated some about a tough discussion with a sponsee last night.

He's stalled out on the Step One questions that basically get at his story. The questions are those that I posted here. He said that he felt disgusting and unredeemable after answering a few of them.

I know that getting honest is tough stuff. It's hard for many reasons--not wanting to face the pain, not wanting to get rid of the pain, not wanting anyone to know about the pain. But the pain was what I didn't want to own anymore. It was what was dragging me down. It helped me to get things out that were painful and to acknowledge that I was human.

So I've asked him to answer what he can. And to start working on questions from one of the Al-Anon Step books. And to write out his story as much as possible. I'm there to be a guide and an ear. And to share what worked for me. And his HP is there to forgive him and love him no matter what.

I know that half measures do not work. Nothing short of an honest, wholehearted commitment to the program will help in recovery.
"The spiritual life of this program is based upon experience. What we feel, what we see and hear, is what we know. When we simplify our lives and base the truth upon our experiences, we slowly cleanse ourselves of the lies we told ourselves. With this kind of honesty comes an inner peace with ourselves in whom we can say, "I know myself." " From Touchstones

Is my life unmanageable?

I met with my first sponsee last night to begin discussion on Step One. I can see myself in much of what he talks about. I think that he is very bright and knows more about the program than I did when I came in. I shared with him the materials that were provided to me for working Step One.

One is the list of questions that I've put below. These questions helped me to see where I am and to instill in me that I need to have rigorous honesty in my answers. I thought that some of you might want to use it in your own recovery.

1. Do I constantly seek approval and affirmation?

2. Do I fail to recognize or believe my accomplishments?

3. Do I fear criticism?

4. Do I overextend myself?

5. Have I had problems with my own compulsive behavior?

6. Do I have a need for perfection?

7. Am I uneasy when my life is going smoothly, continually anticipating problems?

8. Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

9. Do I still feel responsible for others, as I did for the problem drinker in my life?

10. Do I care for others easily, yet find it difficult to care for myself?

11. Do I isolate myself from other people?

12. Do I respond with anxiety or hostility to authority figures and angry people?

13. Do I feel that individuals and society in general are taking advantage of me?

14. Do I have trouble with intimate relationships?

15. Do I confuse pity with love, as I did with the problem drinker?

16. Do I attract and seek people who tend to be compulsive?

17. Do I cling to relationships because I am afraid of being alone?

18. Do I often mistrust my own feelings and the feelings expressed by others?

19. Do I find it difficult to express by emotions?

20. Am I attracted to people who have lots of problems I think I can fix?

Robbed

I didn't make the amends today because I discovered that we had been robbed.  Basically this is what happened.  The finish carpenter who did the trim work when the house was built has been working on the library cabinets and trim on and off for over a year.  He is a guy that we have known for over 15 years and who we trust.  He is an alcoholic who went dry (by white knuckling) and never went into AA.  He also has prostate cancer and has been getting treatment for that. 

Anyway, R. decided to bring his 14 year old grandson with him to help carry cut pieces of trim up and down the stairs and just generally have him along.  The kid is very quiet and shy.  They worked on the trim Thursday most of the day.  

Yesterday morning, I went up to the former master bedroom upstairs because the phone had been off the hook on Thursday when I called.  It was odd because it rang twice and then sounded as if someone had knocked the phone over. From then on I couldn't get anything but a busy signal.  When my wife got home, she found the phone off the hook and lying on the bed in the upstairs bedroom.  

The cat was with me and she was crying and ran into the passageway to the adjoining bathroom and closet area.  I looked and both doors to the closet were open which is odd.  When I switched on the light, the safe door was open and there were boxes of jewelry on the floor, some spilled over.  I called for my wife who came up and inventoried everything only to find that my mother's wedding ring, and three other rings that she inherited were missing.  The safe door had been shut but the dial not spun because my wife didn't want to look up the combination all the time. 

I knew that R. and his grandson were the only two people in the house yesterday.  I called R. and told him what happened.  He said that he was surprised but that his grandson couldn't have done that.  However, he called the grandson and talked to him.  The grandson denied it.  So I called the police.  Two officers came over, R. and the grandson and the step father of the kid came over.  The police took statements and got fingerprints off the safe.  

R. said that the kid cried when confronted.  He also tried to convince me that someone came down a mile long dirt road, sneaked in the house while they were hammering and sawing, went upstairs, took the phone off the hook and then opened the safe and took the rings.  I may be a believer but I didn't believe that cock and bull for a second.  

What bothers me the most is now I feel as if I can't trust this man.  I think that R. is covering for the kid.  The kid seemed absolutely flat emotionally.  He had four chances with the police to confess, with us saying that we wouldn't press charges if the rings are returned.  My wife and I just want our property back--we don't want revenge.  The kid never budged, never was indignant, just flat in affect.  I think that he did it, and that R. is covering for his grandson, probably telling him to not say anything.  Just a gut feeling that I have. 

Anyway, the police have turned this over to a detective since the value of all the rings was around $25+ thousand.  It's a felony.  The fingerprints are being analyzed.  My wife and I are trying to be positive and hoping that the property is returned.  I have my doubts.  The hardest thing for me is that I feel the loss of trust.  But I'm going to do my best to keep Christmas in my heart.  It's literally a moment to moment thing right now.  

No Half Measures for Me

The Big Book states, "Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked for His protection and care with complete abandon." I've never been a "half measure" type of person. That used to be a problem for me because I wanted everything done in the best way possible and was incredibly hard on myself (and others).

Now, I can see that maybe the application of my desire to do the best that I can do has it's place in my recovery. I can choose to do the footwork, the steps, and be honest with myself and with my sponsor. Or I can hold back and not fully work towards my recovery. I believe that in order to recover, I have to clean house and trust in my HP.

So for me, it's really about giving myself to this program. It's all or nothing. It means working all aspects: steps, literature, traditions, service. I have to put time and energy into getting better because going back to being the person that I used to be isn't an alternative for me. I won't be a quarter horse. I would rather start out steadily and go the distance. Like they say, "It works if you work it."