Keeping expectations low during the holidays

At the meeting the other night, we talked about expectations that come as part of the holidays and the tools we can use to not set ourselves up for sadness and resentments.  We are going to do some decorating of the house but decided that this year we would keep it simple.  

No one is coming here for Christmas.  And,  just as for Thanksgiving, it will be our day to visit my in-laws.  We also decided to "adopt" an orphan for Christmas and fulfill the Christmas list of a 16 year old girl in one of the local orphanages. Both my wife and I have enough of everything so we aren't going to give anything to each other except small stocking stuffers.


It's easy to get lost in romanticizing the holidays. Just seeing all the activities in the newspaper and on TV makes everything seem enticing. It's easy to have all the visuals distort my thinking into having unrealistic expectations. I think that it's only natural to reminisce about what Christmas used to be like.  I have mostly good memories but for some of us, the memories are not so good. I do my best to stay in this day and not linger too long on the way things used to be.

The expectations of what Christmas should be, how it should feel, what you're going to give or get distorts everything and takes the pleasure out of it for me.  I like Christmas and appreciate the true spirit of it.  I don't like the commercial side at all. I do my best to be grateful for what I have and focus on those things that I truly need: love, food to eat, a house to live in.... and good books to read.

And the other part of the holiday is the number of opportunities to overdo on food and drink. We don't go to many parties anymore.   But when we do,  it's good to have have some cues to leave at a reasonable time. I call it my escape plan.  My wife doesn't want to go to parties where there is a lot of alcohol. Being around drinkers brings up feelings of unease for her.  I don't mind going without her, but I leave before the heavy partying starts.

We will be enjoying the new kitchen and doing some cooking.  Making cookies, cakes and pepper jelly as gifts for friends is what we are doing to enjoy the holidays.  

So I am keeping expectations low and going to enjoy all that we do have.  A good friend once told me to "lower expectations until you get what you want."  The lower my expectations are, the lower my disappointment level is going to be.  By having some kind of limit on what I'm doing,  I can face the holiday season without falling for the hype.

De-stressing

Do you ever think about simply de-stressing your life?  Just letting stuff go that you have been doing like an automaton for years and years, with little joy involved.

I realize that most people can't quit jobs or stop caring for their children.  That's not what I meant.  What I was thinking of is those optional things that we take on because saying "yes" seems to be the thing that comes first to mind out of guilt or rote.

I used to have a hobby that involved traveling and competing.  I was heavily into it.  In fact, I made a big name for myself.  But after 20 years of competing, hearing the gossip about others, seeing people put others down, I walked away.  I could feel the unhappiness every time I would get ready to head out of town for another event.  I simply didn't want to do this anymore.  So I quit.  Just like that.  I am still involved in the sport but in a different way now.  I no longer am stressed by it.  And that feels wonderful.

I used to think that as a young person, I could take on everything.  I hungered to be really good at everything that I did.  I wanted to be the best.  I achieved some of those goals, but no longer have the desire to take on so much.  I have realistic goals now--to improve my knowledge of something I am doing but not get carried away.  I want balance in my life and in the things that I do.

And yes, I have a couple of boats.  And they require maintenance.  But the joy that I get from being on them, having them as a sanctuary, is immeasurable.  There is also the garden that I love.  The flower beds that we tend.  But all of this is not competitive and isn't about comparing myself to others.  We are simply enjoying these things for what they are and the beauty that they bring to our lives.

I want to blame the drive that I have had on growing up in a home where I was pushed and prodded to be the best.  Maybe it was that or simply hard-wired by my genes.  None of that matters because it's what I think and do today to veer off the rigid path of a pre-determined life that really counts.  And I am veering again this weekend.  I will be back home on Monday.  No shoes, no shirt, no problems--I'm getting to it.

Climb the mountain

Lots of hurting people at the meeting last night.  People who were doing well a couple of weeks ago are now in the valley of sadness, worried about loved ones, worried about the holidays and the cost of getting through without emotional injury.  That valley seems awfully dark when shadowed by the mountain of misery brought by alcoholism and drug addiction.  So we shared about how we can use the steps and other recovery tools to climb up the mountain and get to a place where there is a clearer view of life.  It was uplifting.  

My wife has had fun making things for people.  Her inner artist has been called out to decorate Christmas ornaments that she found at thrift stores.  She uses organic cloth to line a box, puts confetti paper and colorful tissue paper in the box, nestles the painted ornaments in the paper, ties it all with a bow and voila--you get the finished product shown above.  I have hardly seen her because she has been working like one of Santa's elves in our workshop.  

Busy is good.  Busy helps me to move when I might get mired down.  So far so good on lowering expectations this Christmas.  Our decision to keep it simple has made a big difference.  This will be the first Christmas that the parents-in-law won't be coming here on Christmas day.  Things are simply different this year.  We have adjusted to those changes. The caregivers are going out of town for a week between Christmas and New Year's so we are going to be taking turns staying over at the parents during the night.  Temporary help will be taking care of things during the day.  Living life on life's terms--it's what we have to do in order to climb mountains and not be stuck in the valley of darkness. 

A parable

There is a field filled with thousands of rocks.  I am told that there is a diamond under a rock so I go out and start turning over the rocks.  I turn over 10,000 stones and may not find the diamond.  If by some stroke of probability, I find the diamond, I may wonder if it was worth the effort.

That is sometimes what it used to feel like being me a few years ago.  I would have many things going on.  Rushing about trying to leave no stone unturned in an effort to get so much done.  It seemed especially true during the holidays.  More things to do, hoping to find a brilliant spot in a day of doing and existing.

This year, I'm not rushing about.  I am going to meetings, going to a few fun events with my wife, but taking care of myself by not overdoing.  We have hosted a recovery luncheon on Christmas day for the last two years. This year, we are going to forego that.  We are tired, don't want to cook for 30 people, and would rather just do something together on Christmas day.  We will go to the parents' house, visit some friends later, and spend the day quietly.

This Christmas,  I don't feel the need to fill up the house with people.  My sponsor says that I am taking care of myself by going with my true feelings.  The true feelings are that a quiet simple time seems like gracious plenty.

Bad head

I have a bad sinus headache today which makes it hard to think and hard to write.  So I'm going to make this brief.  Here are my "randoms" for today:

• I went to my home group meeting last night. This little group that used to be four regulars has now grown to 13 people.  We meet far out in the country.  It is a beautiful drive. We now have a bathroom and kitchen at the new location so maybe we are attracting people because of that. 
• Our topic last night was on control.  I know that one really well.  It never got me anywhere but to the state of misery.  I feel a great deal of freedom from not having to live someone else's life as well as my own. 
• I took a Sudafed for sinus and hope that this headache will be gone so I can get into work later.  I seem to be more susceptible to changes in weather than I used to be. Plus, it's pollen season here so that may explain why I felt great last night and woke up with a pounding head this AM.
• I made some calls to work this morning to let them know I was sick and to speak with the IT person.  I  will start dumping files from my computer this week onto the main server.  I am starting to clear out my computer from all these years. It is feeling good to me, like I am divesting myself of a burden.  Maybe I am just liking the idea of being free of a schedule.  More inventory is needed on this. 
• I'm glad that I didn't take the bait on discussions about health care reform yesterday.  Feelings were running amok.  I like the idea that people can express opinions, and that I can choose to listen and not push to win an argument.  
• I'm going back to bed.  Later....

Life in six words

I haven't done this for a while but thought that I would ask this question today:

If you could write a memoir in a six word sentence, what would it be?

Here is what I came up with this morning: Past is done, living in present.

My post is going to be short today because I have come down with a bug and feel a bit under the weather.  I am at the conference but can tell that my energy level isn't really what it usually is.  It is still snowing but nothing has accumulated today, and all the snow from yesterday is now gone.

Looking forward to your answers.  Have fun with it.

Simple things today

Chris over at Enchanted Oak offered a great "challenge".  For each one who posts a list, a poem, a paragraph about the simple things in life that you savor, her family will donate $2 to a medical clinic in Haiti, run by Heartline Ministries.  All you have to do is write something simple about things that are simple, include a link to her blog in your post and then leave a comment to tell her that you posted. 

So here are a few simple things that I am enjoying today:

• Listening to the sound of rain on the deck of the boat.  
• Hearing the gentle snoring of our dog as she sleeps soundly on her berth
• Reading to each other from the Lois Wilson Story
• The highly varnished sheen of the new binocular box that is mounted on the bulkhead of the boat
• A simple omelet cooked on a camp stove and a first cup of coffee.  It tastes so good!

What are your simple things for this day?  Remember that the simple things can have a big impact in so many ways.  Thanks Chris for your generosity to help those in desperate need of even the most simple things.

A new day

Today is a much better day for me than yesterday. I heard what I needed to hear in the meeting last night. It was packed with people, so many that some were sitting on the floor. And as usual for this meeting, there was a lot of great sharing, not always pretty and not always full of solutions but very real thought-provoking stuff.

The topic was Keep It Simple. Yesterday I wasn't doing that. I was being lead around by the voices in my head that were telling me that all kinds of things were going to happen, that things weren't going to work out, that I might as well give up.

The fist of anxiety grabbed my gut and didn't let go until I visited with some friends before the meeting. We talked vegetables and gardening. I could feel myself getting grounded in reality again. So by the time I got to the meeting, I was beginning to feel better.

Keep It Simple is a good slogan for someone like me who tends to make things much more complex than they need to be. I need the reminder to take things at face value and not let my imagination run wild. I have been the "fixer" for so long that sometimes I have to remember what is really mine and has my name on it. I don't need to pick up and carry the load of someone else, just what's mine.

As I wrote yesterday, if I can just go with the flow and enjoy the ride, I'll be okay. It's when I take on the issues and problems of another, that I create chaos in my life. The unnecessary things that I do distract me from looking at what is going on with me. If I remember that God's will covers 360 degrees of me, then I can relax.

I look at my dogs and see how simple their life is. They are great examples of living the Keep It Simple philosophy. They sniff each other, give a wag of recognition, are hardly ever irritable and don't worry about anything. They aren't anticipating what's for dinner, whether they are going to get brushed, or go for a ride. They enjoy the simple things such as a good stick or a puddle of water. They seem to like everyone they meet. They exude warmth and happiness in a sincere way. They seem to take life as it comes, live in the moment and show me that the simple life is quite happy.

I thought that I'd share a poem by Robert Frost that seems to capture the idea of keeping it simple:

"The Armful"

For every parcel I stoop down to seize
I lose some other off my arms and knees,
And the whole pile is slipping, bottles, buns --
Extremes too hard to comprehend at once,
Yet nothing I should care to leave behind.
With all I have to hold with hand and mind
And heart, if need be, I will do my best
To keep their building balanced at my breast.
I crouch down to prevent them as they fall;
Then sit down in the middle of them all.
I had to drop the armful in the road
And try to stack them in a better load.

"Let's don't louse this thing up. Let's keep it simple." Dr. Bob to Bill W.

Tradition Six: Half Way

Steve and I are half-way through our blogging on the Traditions. Whew......

Tradition Six in Al-Anon states that:
Our Family Groups ought never endorse, finance or lend our name to any outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary spiritual aim. Although a separate entity, we should always cooperate with Alcoholics Anonymous.

The principle that comes to mind here is simplicity. We keep outside influences out of the program. And in relationships, I let others do for themselves and realize that there is strength through separateness.

I think that the idea of having separate fellowships via Tradition Six is an excellent one and needs to be observed at meetings. In general, the sixth tradition is observed but occasionally someone will identify themselves with the "other" fellowship or quote out of non-conference approved literature.

Generally, someone will come over after the meeting and remind the people who committed the faux pas that in Al-Anon, we only speak Al-Anon, share our E, S, and H and use Conference Approved Literature (CAL). There are lots of reasons for this. When Al-Anon members use AA literature for their meetings there is a tendency to concentrate on the alcoholic and his/her behavior rather than the family experience and our own recovery. I think what it boils down to is program integrity.

In interacting with others, I've found that it doesn't do any good to force my views on them, although I can have opinions. If others want what I have, then they can seek it out.

And likewise, my views don't necessarily reflect those of my family or friends. This is important in protecting the relationship and its unity. And that means that each of us is responsible for ourselves.

Neither my wife nor I can meet all the needs of the other. We are each responsible for taking care of ourselves, but we are enhanced by our association with each other. Our separateness is our mutual strength. It promotes a relationship of healthy equals.

A partner should be supportive spiritually, emotionally and physically to the relationship, but a mature partner doesn't do for the other what they can do for themselves. Doing so could promote an inflated ego which would divert the primary purpose of the relationship. And when dealing with an alcoholic, it would enable the disease.

In the Al-Anon fellowship, the purpose is to do God's will and not mine. God does not do for us what we should and can do for ourselves. God helps when we need something beyond our own power - this is part of God's love for us. Were I just to sit back and let God do everything would reduce me to a spiritual cripple and would compromise the greatest of all gifts: free choice.

This seems like a difficult tradition but it really isn't. Not being diverted from our primary spiritual aim is the key. And once again there is unity through being separate.

One Thing

I thought that this was particularly appropriate as we approach the New Year:

What if you could do one thing that would
change your mind
change your attitude
change your day
change your life
change the world—would you do it?

Wondering what that one thing might be?
The answer is amazingly simple.
That Onething is whatever you want it to be.

And, what if that one person were joined by thousands-even millions-of other one persons, each doing just ONE THING toward creating a healthy planet? Guilt, fear and helplessness won't save us, but rolling up our sleeves and pitching in will. Avoid the overwhelm, participate in ONE THING, and experience how good it feels to make a difference.

Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, each and every moment of the day there is one thing you can do to honor life, one thing that will honor you and the world you live in. It might be using cloth bags at the grocery store, not driving one day a week, reading a story to a child, or smiling at a stranger. We live in one world. Nothing can happen to you that doesn't happen to me. Nothing can happen to them that doesn't happen to us. For better or worse, we are in this together. Let's make it better.

What will you do?

I'm going to do a random act of kindness every day.

Have a Happy New Year's Eve.

Christmas wreaths

The photo above is of Arlington National Cemetery. The wreaths are placed on 5000 graves by the Worcester Wreath Co. of Harrington , Maine. The owner, Morill Worcester, not only provides the wreaths, but covers the trucking expense as well. He's done this since 1992.
In 1992 he was faced with a surplus of wreaths and hearkened back to a memorable trip he'd taken to Arlington National Cemetery when he was 12-years old. He took the wreaths to Arlington from his business in Maine and laid them on the graves of 4,000 who are laid to rest there.

The next year he decided to plan on taking 5,000 wreaths and has been doing it ever since. He said that there were only a few volunteers the first year and it took them five or six hours to place the wreaths. Now, however, he has so many helpers each year that the work is done in about an hour.

The wreaths that I grew up with are the traditional "della Robbia" style inspired by Eighteenth-century engravings. Typical materials included apples, lemons, limes, oranges, pineapples, pomegranates, cranberries, bayberries, holly berries, chinaberries, rose hips, sumac berries, magnolia pods, lotus pods, milkweed pods, dried flowers, cotton bolls, rosemary, laurel, okra pods, dried cayenne peppers, mistletoe - as well as red cedar, red oak, boxwood, pine, fir, mountain laurel, magnolia, ivy.







The linking of fruited "della Robbia" wreaths with Christmas and front doors seems to have started during the early years of this century in America's wealthier homes. It has become the popular wreath in the tidewater area of Virginia where I'm from. So my wife and I have continued to use these wreaths at our home in SC.

We don't use real fruit because that would rot quickly or be eaten by squirrels. Maybe even a deer would venture up the steps to take a bite of a real apple. We use holly berries, seed pods, pine cones, magnolia leaves, and oyster shells as well as some artificial fruit. I like these wreaths because they are made from mostly natural things and their simplicity to my eye is beautiful. Keep it simple works with decorations too.

Just sharing some Christmas tradition with you today in the spirit of the season.

Going home today

I took this photo using my camera phone last night. The breeze was coming in, and I was sitting on the deck of the hotel thinking that it would be a lot nicer to be home or to have someone from home be here. But all in all, I can't complain.

It was a quick trip down, and it appears that I will be able to get some money for one of my research projects. At least enough money to keep the project going and pay the salaries of two staff members. We've had level funding for several years and all of a sudden we have gotten a huge increase in funding. I'm not sure that I understand how congress makes these decisions, but I'm glad that they did. Somebody in a high place liked what this project was doing and decided to quadruple the funding. I'm grateful for that. And I'm sure that my staff will be as well.

After the meeting today, I'll fly back home. It's funny how we get flown to resorts with great views, only to sit all day in a meeting room that has no windows. Maybe video conferencing will be the norm in the not too distant future and then I won't have to travel at all. That would be really nice.

My gratitude list is simple today:

• I'm glad that my lost bag was found and actually made it to my destination.
• I'm grateful that I don't know the machinations of government and why certain decisions are made.
• I have a lot of gratitude for knowing that I don't have to control people or the system--I can just show up and participate and hope that the right decisions are made.
  
• I'm glad to be going home and getting back to life out of the fast lane.
  
• I'm grateful that my needs are pretty simple and they don't include a squirrel hitman, time in the redlight district or a super V8.
  

In the meantime, take it easy and enjoy life.

Miracles

I'm taking the new dinghy out on the water today, probably towing it behind the sailboat. I decided to buy one instead of make one. The one I bought is an 8 foot Walker Bay and it's stable enough. It also is manageable in terms of weight at 71 pounds.

I was fired up about making a dinghy before I got my cold. It seems that after that I lost the urge to spend time putting it together. The weekends seem too precious to spend them inside sawing and nailing. I guess it gets back to those priorities that I have. And in this case, I opted for the easy out and more free time.

So this weekend I'm officially christening the dinghy. It's supposed to be breezy and still a bit brisk for temperatures. It looks to be a glorious weekend. Hope that you have a couple of days of serenity and peace.

I'm grateful today:

1) for the miracles in this life.
2) that I chose to not try to do everything but just a few things well
3) that I have people in my life who care whether I exist
4) for having an optimistic outlook in spite of pessimistic surroundings
5) that I don't have any reason to wonder about what's going to happen tomorrow.

There are two ways to live your life - one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle.-- Albert Einstein

Raucous Caucus

I have to make a comment on the Iowa results. I was listening to the news about the Iowa caucus and was glad to see so many people turned out with poor weather conditions to vote. The Dems had a bigger turnout than the Repubs which I found interesting. I was glad to see Obama do well. It's hard to say how this will turn out over the long days ahead but it is gratifying to see that people take him seriously. I like him and I like what I hear him saying. As one of the blogs I read stated, he made history by winning in Iowa regardless of how things go from now on.

This makes me wonder what makes a person want so much responsibility. There must be ego and conviction. To me, trying to effect change in DC would be like trying to push an elephant up a hill--you can strain and strain only to have the whole thing come crashing back on you, crushing you in the end.

I used to take on way too much at work, letting my ego volunteer me for everything. And it almost burned me out. Now, I'm trying to divest myself of as much as I can at work. I am selective about which proposals I review, I don't volunteer to be on as many committees and I do my best to prioritize what I have to do ahead of what I might like to do. I don't know whether this is a result of the program but something definitely is different. It seems the Keep It Simple and First Things First slogans are being applied in my job.

And I definitely look forward to the weekends when I can do something or nothing. So to all the presidential candidates, good for you. I'm glad that you want the job. Like they say, somebody has to do it and I'm just glad that it isn't me.

Being like our animals

I was watching the dogs playing yesterday and thought how they are really living in the moment. They are good examples of the Keep It Simple philosophy. They enjoy the simple things such as a good stick or a puddle of water. They hardly ever are irritable and if they are, they deliver a swift message that doesn't have any double meanings. They are happy for their biscuits and kibble One Day at a Time. The dogs aren't worried about whether they are going to be fed tomorrow or whether they are going to be brushed tomorrow. They just enjoy being dogs.

Cats are also a good model of the Al-Anon program. They can stroll to a sunny spot, flop down, relax and not think about anything except how content they are in their own skin. They don't worry about whether their humans love them, whether they have to please anyone, or who they can control. Cats are self-absorbed and not anxious to do the bidding of others. As far as lust goes, the cats don't worry about that. They don't mind that they're neutered and haven't given sex a thought in a long time. My cats don't resent much or at least I can't tell that they do. They let me know when they need to be fed. And they are grateful for what they receive because they give me that blink that says, "Hey thanks alot for the super expensive urinary tract prescription food". And if I'm really nice to them, I get that great purring motor started that indicates pure contentment.

I think that I need to watch my animals more because they seem to have the whole serenity thing down to a science.

Resting

I'm still thinking about the wonders of this past weekend and couple of days off. Taking the boat into the historic creek in the photo above was fun and the sunset was wonderful. I can still hear the loud sounds of the thousands of birds on the sand bar rookery. They were having a party all night long. It's mating season so I'm sure there were cries of ecstasy. But after listening to them for most of the night, I have to say that they have stamina that is baffling, cunning, and powerful.

I'm in bad need of a night at home and early to bed. Today I'm catching up on things at the office but have a student's thesis to work on tomorrow and a lot of other work to do as well. I don't think that I'll make my Al-Anon meeting tonight since it would mean another late night for me. I am sleep deprived and worn out.

One of the sharings at the Al-Anon meeting last night was about hyperactivity. I could relate to those times when I tried to cram as much into my day as I could in order to avoid the feeling of emptiness. Now, I still stay busy but it's a much more healthy, energetic feeling that overtakes me now. It's a feeling of passion for the things that I do. So I'm going to take some time to rest, breathe, catch up, and chill out. My motto this week is to Keep It Simple. I think that by doing that, I'll be ready to tackle whatever comes my way for the rest of the week.

Close quarters

I'm getting my gear together and starting to think about being in close quarters with a lot of people that I don't know very well. It isn't bugging me so much as making me look forward to seeing how I'll deal with it. Last year when I was on the ship, I hadn't started in my program. This year, I'll be dealing with a lot of people that I am barely acquainted with. Being on the ship and working shifts round the clock can do strange things to your head. I'm working the 12 noon to 12 midnight shift so I'll not have my biological clock as messed up as I thought. Nonetheless, it's hard for the first few days until you get used to the motion of the ship and the long hours. Generally after a few days onboard, time becomes irrelevant as does the day of the week.

Working together in such close quarters requires team work, but it is also exhausting mentally and physically. I've got my trusty IPod filled with files from Sobercasting.org as well as my books. If nothing else, I can have my own meeting with a party of one to keep my spiritual side from sliding. I have to say that one of the greatest things about being at sea is the simplicity of it all. You're on a schedule, there are no phones, email comes twice a day, and you're surrounded by some of the most beautiful and wild scenery that the HP put for us to enjoy. It's life without a lot of extraneous "noise". Challenging but also thrilling.

Happiness is......

I remember the book Happiness is a Warm Puppy. It conjured up that kind of childlike happiness that most of us long for. I haven't thought about the warm puppy kind of happiness in a long time. The book is about appreciating the little things in life that make us happy. Thinking about that child hood book is a reminder that it is possible (and maybe necessary) to find happiness in things that may be overlooked. One of the pages from the book that I think fits my life is the one that shows Linus working on a jigsaw puzzle: "Happiness is finding the little piece with the pink edge and part of the sky and the top of the sailboat."

I know that somewhere along the way I came to think that happiness meant having more things, a bigger house, a nicer car and recognition for my work. The truth is that none of that is what makes me happy. I think that my happiness comes from accepting myself for who I am, and not being dependent on others to bring me happiness. It's a form of surrender for me. I've always wanted to be loved, yet never loved myself. I thought that if I loved someone else enough, they would love me back. I looked for my happiness through the eyes of others. I'm not saying that I always am self-accepting. However, I appreciate so many more things today and find that I'm more appreciative of myself and what I think and feel. I want to keep the kind of simple happiness in my life that comes from the small things.