Every day matters

Thank you for all the thoughts and comments as both C. and I had our ninth year in recovery.  I told my story at two meetings, and each time I have a different slant. In one I start from the beginning and in the next, I am starting at where I am now.

I remember the first time that I shared my story at a meeting. I had written down a few things I wanted to share. I didn't know how to speak from the heart then.  I thought that I needed notes to help me organize my thoughts. I don't do that anymore and haven't for several years.  I simply share from the heart, not feeling anything but gratitude for the progress that I have made in coming to terms with who I am and how I was affected by alcoholism.

The main message that I have is that it is so good to be living life without a huge amount of fear and anxiety.  I don't have active alcoholism in my life. It is a blessing.  And I don't focus much on the past anymore, not the bad parts of it anyway.  There is too much to do in the present right now.  I want to hold onto that as much as I can.

Today, I rode for several miles around the farm and properties near by.  It was a good morning, with a hint of fall in the air.  I see the cloudless sulfur butterflies as they move through on their migration.  Some of the trees are starting to change color as the days get shorter. The garden is still producing, but already we are putting in our fall and winter vegetables.  My favorite time of year is coming.

It seems that every day is one to cherish.  And as a blogger friend used to write, "Every day matters."

 

A day of thanks

The rain is coming down today.  It's a good day to stay inside. I can't decide whether to get busy with a project or simply take it easy.  Right now, I am looking outside the bedroom window sitting on the window seat. This is what I see.

There is really more color to the leaves than the photo shows. This is a glorious time in the Lowcountry.  All the maples and sumac and gum trees are in their glory.  Soon enough the leaves will be gone and only the pines and oaks will provide leaves of dark green.  

The other day I was riding down our road on horseback.  And this is what I saw: 

The fog was there in the early morning across the pecan orchard when I started my ride and then on the way back, it was clearing and revealed incredible points of light shining through the old oaks.  I am indeed fortunate to live where I do. 

According to recent travel magazines the nearby city is ranked number one in the US and number two in the world.  I don't think that is possible, but then I don't live in the city or understand how these ratings are determined.  I suppose the habitats of marshes and maritime forests and beaches and the historic aspects make it so popular.  

Who would have thought though that this place that I call home now would be a top ranked destination?  Thank goodness, our little island is still in low profile. But I wonder how long it will take before the crush of development heads this way.  I hope a long time.  So far drugs haven't been a huge problem out here and crime is low.  I wonder how long that will last.  We are secluded which is either a good thing or not.  And I am not a gun toter which I view as a good thing.  The further I can get away from all of the city's problems with crime and drugs, the happier I am.  

Since I got back from Virginia,  I have felt much at peace.  We managed to get all the plants into the greenhouses before the freeze.  And the actual freeze was minor here with most of the plants surviving, except for a few annuals that were on their last legs anyway.  The egg plant died but the peppers weren't affected by the freeze.  The winter crops are growing.  And we surely did need this heavy rain today.  

At times, I still feel isolated from people. My isolation is an old pattern, no doubt from being around heavy drinking and alcoholism as a child.  I work on my tendency to isolate by going to meetings, heading to the barn to ride, to the gym or to the marina, and getting together with a few friends for dinner or lunch.  I know the old pattern and that what I tell myself is not necessarily the best thing when it comes to dealing with people. 

Wednesday is our wedding anniversary.  We are going to dinner and a movie. For Thanksgiving, it will be the two of us, although we may go visit some friends in the afternoon.  I think that Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays are hard on those who don't have family. But there are many people out there who feel the same.  And some of those have a lot of family but the feeling of apartness is still there.  Filling the empty hole within takes work. 

So I am wishing you a day of thanks for those that you have in your life and good memories of those that aren't with you.  Peace and love.  

Another week gone before I can blink

The weather has finally turned to fall here.  I was out on the boat for several days this week and have to say that it was something that I have missed.  The boat is my sanctuary, my place to get away from anything complicated. Sometimes there are unexpected visitors who just pass by and say "hello".

The only complication that I have had in the last week was having a kidney stone which was a terrible pain.  I've not had the pleasure of dealing with that before and hope to not have one again.  I went to the ER because the pain came on suddenly late in the evening.  And I could not stop vomiting after each wave of pain.  Anyway, I am okay now.  The ER doc told me it was like the pain experienced by women in childbirth.  I have a new appreciation for that level of pain.

The winter garden is finally in.  It is a great relief to have the tired summer plants removed and the winter ones in the ground.  It takes a lot of work to maintain things around here.  The older we get the more it seems to take too.

The service for my friend and mentor was a high Catholic funeral mass. I had just gotten out of the ER and was still feeling dopey from the pain medications they had given me.  When the priest said that my friend was gone forever from this life--laughter gone, voice gone, smiles gone--well, I had to smile because I have voice messages on my phone wishing me a happy birthday last year and other messages that I like to listen to.  And I have the memories of our time spent together.  Gone from sight is true but living on in my memory as long as possible.

Today, we are going to an oyster roast which should be a good time.  It's the first one of the season.  We are enjoying all that Fall brings. We have had several fires in the outdoor fireplace, and last night had dinner on the deck sitting around the fire.  Life is going smoothly right now.  I am glad that there is peace and quiet in my little world.  I keep hoping that will extend outward as I do my part to convey the happiness that I feel inside.

The Shadow

Yesterday was one of those days that I would like to not have. I went to bed on Sunday evening watching news about Hurricane Odile on a collision path with Cabo San Lucas.  Now I have only been there one time, but the place was amazing. I thought about the open air restaurants, the simple houses where the residents live, the beggar lady Maria I met at the marina, the marina with all the boats, the horses at the ranch where I rode through the desert, the economy that depends almost totally on tourism.

So I awoke yesterday in the wee hours to see Cabo decimated by a Cat 3 hurricane.  I saw the beautiful airport in shambles, the barrios destroyed, the fancy resorts blown out and the marina trashed.  I heard some people being interviewed saying that everything will be cleaned up in two weeks. How is that possible when it is likely that power won't be back on for at least that long? Anyway,  seeing the damage in photos was bad but living through a Cat 3 gives a whole other definition to hell.

After looking as long as I could at the damage in Cabo, I checked email to learn that a long-time friend died in her sleep early Monday morning. She had just been at an event on Saturday with one of her beloved dogs.  Her last post to everyone on Sunday night was about how happy she was that her dog did well. I'm glad that she had a good two days and died happy.  She was a quiet, unassuming person who loved animals and her family.  She also suffered from rheumatoid arthritis which took her away from riding and competing with her dogs. But she still managed to get around with a cane.

I am not stunned anymore by people dying.  I am sad but realize that more and more of my friends are going to die as time passes.  Over the past year, death has simply been a factor in my life.  It is there like a shadow sometimes, especially on days like yesterday.

I prefer to not have the shadow near me and opt for bright sparkling water, ocean breezes and light days.  I keep the shadow away by traveling to the edge of the marsh.  The grass is going to seed, swaying in the breeze, changing color with the season.  It's an unsettled time of year with thunderstorms threatening in the distance, large cumulonimbus clouds building, and the light changing and moving like the leaves up in the trees.  At these moments, I am so glad to be alive, fully and with such a feeling of love deep inside my soul.

That's what I am feeling at this moment.  Love and peace to you all.

Moving right along

The backyard landscaping project is coming along. The walkway and patio are installed, and next week the fireplace will be built. I am looking forward to having the first fire out there.  We have plenty of wood stored from the death of an old water oak in the spring.  Months later, we finally finished splitting and storing it.  

I was on the boat for a few days this week.  It was as windy as I've seen it and cold.  The boat was covered in salt spray so I gave her a good rinse down yesterday.  Thankfully, I was able to stay warm with the propane heater going and a heavy double comforter with flannel sheets. 

I have met with a new fellow I'm sponsoring several times over the last week. We are managing to get past the constant focusing on the alcoholic and are actually beginning to talk about what his actions are and how unmanageable his life is.  I don't know how it's going to go when I sponsor a new person.  Some are willing, some say they are willing but aren't, and some simply give up before any work is done.  So far this fellow appears to be willing to do the work. 

Trust is something that has to be established as part of a relationship between a sponsor and sponsee.  I can feel that trust is being established as we talk and share with each other.  I have been a trusting person all my life.  It's odd that only in recent years have I learned to be more discerning about who I trust. 

And I know that to a couple of people, I let them down.  They trusted me to be who they wanted me to be, and I failed by being someone else who was imperfect.  I have made amends to them for my part.  That's about all I can do. Maybe one of these days, the realization will come that none of us is without defects of character. 

In the mean time, I keep moving along in a positive direction.  Discussions with the landscaper today were about the plants that we are going to put in along the new walkways in the backyard.  Discussion with the new sponsee were about letting go of old ways and developing a new plan for living life.  The magic of growing. It all feels good to me.  

Back home again

I made it back home on Friday.  And I was happy to be back.  I seem to do okay for about four days away and then am ready to get back home. I seemed to run out of things that I wanted to do.  I saw everyone that I wanted to see, drove where I wanted to go, took a lot of photos and was done.

It was a happy time to see my wife and the animals.  Every time I come home, the dogs and cats seem to think that I've only been gone for a few hours. They thump tails and purr, but are relaxed about my return as if they knew that I would be back soon.  I imagine time doesn't have much of a concept for them as they live in the moment.

Sleeping next to C. on my first night back felt so comfortable.  I was tired but woke up several times to touch her and make sure that she was there.  And that makes me not want to leave again unless she comes with me.  We will have to find a house, dog and cat sitter so that we can go away together for a week.

Today, the house is opened up and the cool breeze is coming through the doors and windows.  It is beautiful weather.  I hope that we can slip away to go on the boat for a few days next week.  And I want C. to go with me.  She is still dealing with the estate of her parents.  It appears that a contract on the house will be forthcoming which is good.

I went to several meetings while I was away.  The meetings were good and fairly close to the type of groups that we have here.  On my last day, there were 3 meetings at the same location.  One of the ladies asked me how I sponsored people.  I replied by saying that I sponsor them much the same way I was sponsored, using literature from Al-Anon and other material that I have collected from other sources on the steps and traditions.  Sponsoring is really about being comfortable with a person, having trust and willingness.

It was interesting that this same lady recited the entire preamble and meeting format by heart, looking down and not taking a breath. It felt very automatic and as if this was an exercise of memory and not something shared from the heart.  I just thought this was odd.

But we surely process and participate in meetings in our own way.  It's good to have the experience of attending those "away" meetings and listening to what others have to share.  No matter where I go, it's still the basic story of how we are affected by another person's drinking: The same fear, frustrations, anxiety and sadness giving way to acceptance, sense of self, compassion, and happiness through recovery.

I'm surely glad to be back home.  There's more wood to split, garden planting to be done, and a beautiful day ahead.

Calm and peaceful vacation with a side of adventure

We have had a great vacation so far.  Today, we are resting up from our hikes and white water rafting. Both were quite the experience.  We hiked up to the summit of Grandfather Mountain on Sunday.  It was a strenuous hike on some pretty rough terrain.  But the scenery as you can see below was gorgeous.  It was about 45 degrees and blowing 35 mph at the summit.  But it felt wonderful after a hard hike up.

Swing bridge over a gorge

View to summit of Grandfather

On Monday, we went rafting doing some class 3 rapids.  We were paired up with a couple having two young children who spent most of the time complaining or crying.  I am reminded again of why we don't have children.  I am sure that everyone loves their own dearly, but the rest of us don't necessarily find them as charming.  In their defense, I don't think they were the adventuresome sort and would have rather had some other activity.  The dad was detached and personable. The mother talked non-stop and kept asking us if Paula Dean was from our town.  She said that she thought her saying the "n" word was no reason to fire her.  Needless to say, we both had to practice "pause when agitated" several times.  Luckily, most of the time we were paddling, and the rushing water was drowning out her noisome chatter.  I now want to do an overnight trip and will probably try to book so that we either are the only couple or find a couple of friends to go along.  It was spectacular scenery--sheer cliffs, beautiful trees, and a winding river.

On Tuesday, we hiked through Linville Gorge and to the headwaters and plunge areas of the falls.  A lot of walking all day!  But the scenery continued to amaze me.  I am reminded of just how much beauty there is within several hours from home.  And the peacefulness was amazing.

The twin falls

Water rushing to the main falls

The gorge

Rafting area

We had an unintentional adventure today in the rain and fog.  I mapped a route to visit an area near Blowing Rock.  My iPhone with good ole Siri gave me directions.  The route took us off the tarmac onto a gravel road that wound for a couple of miles as we climbed the mountain.  We were surrounded in mist and clouds with not another car or person around.  Another exhilarating opportunity to take the sports car for a run on the switchbacks!

Shrouded by clouds and mist

Tomorrow, we are going zip lining through the tree canopy and over some gorges.  I hope that the rain will stop by then.  So far, it has been nice to try some new things.  And I know that whitewater rafting is definitely something that I want to do again.  

Tomorrow night, I am heading to a meeting. There will be another opportunity on Friday to go as well.  I feel amazingly calm and peaceful.  

Hope that you are having a good week.  

Stars in the sky

Finally, a streak of good weather for at least a few days. No rain--just cool nights and warm days.  I will be on the boat for the weekend which is good.  I am needing to get my share of boat days in, which have seemed amazingly short over the past few weeks.

We have been working in the yard and garden quite a bit. The strawberries are ripe, and they have been good with our breakfast in the morning. The blueberries are plentiful but not ready yet.  I ordered some blackberry plants that will be great for next year. It's time to pick them along the hedgerows now.

My cousin continues to languish in an intensive care unit.  Skeletal and with pneumonia now, I am hoping that his slow death will end soon.  I continue to marvel at what we do to keep those we love alive because not having them seems to be the most frightening thing of all. Perhaps, it's because we cut ourselves off from others, give up friends, and become obsessive about a person.  I see that tendency in myself so I recognize it and am all too familiar with seclusions seductiveness.

My father-in-law is much loved by a large African American nurse who cares for him.  She clucks over him, making sure that he is eating something soft, trying to get calorie enriched drinks into him.  He talks to her and tells her things about himself and his wife.  And yet, he still doesn't want to say but a few words to me or to my wife.  I know that it hurts C., but she is resigned to the fact that he was not much of a father to her ever.

Their history is one that had a lot of upheaval.  And she still has flashbacks of being a child in the midst of their arguments, powerless to do anything but hide, scream or cry for them to stop.  I don't know why he has chosen to shun her now.  But we both still go to see him, repeating the same visits over and over, hoping for different results.  The only thing that has changed is that we don't go as often, only a couple of times a week now. Insanity kept to a minimum level of damage.

My home group meeting has even had its share of upheaval lately.  One lady got her nose out of joint about how the meeting was conducted by a person chairing.  And evidently there is still some resentment hanging around, even after an amends.  I can sit still with the tension and share because this ultimately is not my problem to solve.  I simply get weary of the shortcomings that suck the joy out of something that is meant to be healing.

So I am happy with my plants, going to the gym, journaling, doing some photography, and sitting on the deck in the cool of the evening to watch the stars in the night sky.

“The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.” ― Carl Sagan

What I have been doing

I've had a busy time lately.  I spent the weekend on a trip down to the ACE Basin.  I asked a fellow that I know to ride along, thinking that he would give me a hand at the wheel so that I wouldn't be at the helm for 8 hours. I found out that he really doesn't know much about boats.  And that's really okay, because I had made the ASSumption that because he belonged to a boating organization, he might know something.

He is an affable fellow so we had good discussions on a lot of things. He lost his wife six years ago and is still sad about that.  He said that his life pretty much went off track after she died.  Not the drinking kind of off track but just not really there, if you know what I mean.  We talked politics because he shares the same leftist liberal views that I do.  I can tell you that if he weren't, we would have had a lot less to talk about because I don't discuss politics with most people.  We talked about his being Jewish and his going back to synagogue.  And we talked about what kind of boat he would like to get. He spent a lot of time on the iPhone too.

We passed the time and eventually met up with some fellow boaters and sailors at a marina.  Happy hour was pretty happy but not over the top.  And the dinner was at a resort restaurant.  I was seated across from a lady and her husband who were doing the Great Loop which goes up the East Coast.  Interesting stuff, except that she was really snippy and rude to her husband who seemed to want to talk incessantly.  He was working on his third Dark and Stormy, repeating the earlier stories, and she was telling us how she knew who she was at 20 and didn't need to learn much more about herself.  I finally said that I didn't have a clue who I was at 20 and was really getting to know who I was over the past decade.  I am really happy that I have made that progress.  And I know enough to realize that I can last through a two hour dinner with just about anyone, learn something, and then walk back to the boat.

On Sunday, we headed back up the coast to my home port.  I was tired and in need of a good soaking shower when I got home.  But here are some photos of the scenery on the trip.

At the dock

Lots of marsh and lowlands

Storm clouds coming in 

Paddle boarders going by 

A bridge opening on the ICW

Old boat shed along the way

Yes, that is a manned gun boat telling me to stay away. 

And then there is the garden.  It is coming along nicely.  My wife has a green thumb.  We have mulched, planted, amended, and irrigated.   The flowers are her pride and joy.  I like them but am partial to growing the edibles.  I do like the strawberries and blueberry plants.  I had best show you the way it looks now because later in the summer, it will not look nearly as pretty or lush.  

The blueberries!

Irrigating the raised beds

Potatoes coming up 

The walkway to the front door

Today is also my mother's birthday.  I usually write a tribute to her here.  My tribute to her this year is short. She was an inspiration in so many ways.  I miss her every day.  She loved me as her child and taught me about dedication, science, a love for books and research, and to pursue my dreams no matter what.

Photos from the boat trip

The time on the boat was really good, although the weather turned rainy and windy by Friday.  We did manage to have a good fire on the beach Thursday evening. And our Labrador seemed to especially enjoy her time by the fire and on the beach.   Here are some photos our excursion.

Today, we have been splitting logs from the fallen oak tree.  I rented a hydraulic splitter, and so far we have split about 10 cords of wood.  Much more remains to be done, but for today, we've both had enough. It is really good exercise and so far, we managed to not mash any fingers or feet. Time to get washed up and head to a meeting. 

I hope that you are having a good weekend. 

Easter Weekend and a study on alcohol use

We had a nice Easter weekend, going out on the boat and staying from Friday through Sunday.  Although it was windy,  the temperatures were up in the 60's (F) which made it comfortable for walking the beach.

I thought a lot about the meaning of Easter.  And here is my take on it: There was a very giving fellow many years ago. He may or may not be very special to you, but he continued to give as others took. I think of him as an incredible poet that wrote with his actions. And his actions were simply to give...as others took and humiliated him, made jokes of him, his words and actions...as others beat him and laughed at his pain, he steadfastly gave...simply gave all that he had to give. I look for that poet today....his body long gone, his poetry remains....Easter is a remembrance of this.

Sunsets are an awesome part of the day on the water

Our Labrador is relaxing after a row to shore and a beach walk

Getting to shore in the dinghy can be exciting when it's windy

Because I am supportive of graduate studies, having been a graduate student myself many years ago, I am posting here a request from CJ who is working towards his Ph.D. in clinical psychology.  Read what he has to say about his research and give him a hand by filling out his survey.  All results are anonymous and you will get to be a part of a study that will hopefully be published.  Good stuff.

__________________________________________


Dear Readers of I'm just F.I.N.E., 
My name is CJ and I am a graduate student working towards my Ph.D. in clinical psychology. I am currently working on my dissertation research, which focuses on a partner's role in a person's decision to seek help for alcohol use issues. I first became interested in researching alcohol use issues when I began working at a VA hospital in my hometown. The number of veterans who are returning with problematic alcohol use is increasing at an alarming rate. Working with this population led me to look into alcohol use issues more broadly, and I found that there is a major discrepancy between the number of people who struggle with alcohol on a regular basis and the number of people who seek any kind of help for it (ranging anywhere from participating in online forums to participating in more focused meetings or treatment). This has the potential to be a major issue given that alcohol use can be a risk factor for suicide, domestic violence, and other serious issues with family and employment.

I am passionate now about understanding and bridging this gap between the need in the community and the resources that are available. In my graduate work, I have focused on working with couples in a clinical setting and in my research, and so it was my natural inclination to try to understand this issue from a family perspective. Broadly, I am interested in knowing if and how a person's partner plays a major role in his/her decision to seek help for alcohol problems. Is it often a person's spouse who convinces him/her to speak to someone about alcohol problems, or are other factors more important? Does a spouse's own drinking behavior or help-seeking behavior play a role in a drinker's decision about his/her own behavior? Given the important role of the family in our overall mental and physical health, I expect that a person's partner plays a major role in many of his/her decisions, but I hope to understand this phenomena better, again to find ways to bridge the gap between those who may need to make a change and the services available to them.

To participate in my research project, please see the information below. The study is intended for both members of a married couple (you will be directed accordingly based on whether you are the partner who has expressed concern or you are the partner whom your spouse is concerned about), and is entirely anonymous. The study is completed entirely online, and should take each partner about 20 minutes. Please click on the link below to get started.

Thanks and best wishes!
CJ

Participate in a survey on couples and alcohol use and enter to win a raffle!

Are you and your spouse legally married (or in a civil union) and at least 18 years of age?
Do you or your partner currently consume alcoholic beverages at least once a month?
Is alcohol use an area of disagreement in your marriage?

If you answered yes to the above questions, you and your spouse are eligible to participate in a research survey regarding the relationship between your marriage and your alcohol-related help seeking behaviors. When you complete the survey, you will each be entered into a raffle for one of four $50 Amazon.com gift cards!

The survey will take each participant approximately 20 minutes, and survey responses will be anonymous.

Please start here:
https://surveys.clarku.edu/AlcoholUseSurveyStart.aspx
 
This study has been approved by the Clark Committee for the Rights of Human Participants in Research and Training Programs (IRB). Any questions about human rights issues should be directed to the IRB Chair, Dr. James P. Elliott, 508-793-7152, jelliott@clarku.edu. The study is being conducted by C.J. Fleming, M.A. and James Cordova, Ph.D. in the Psychology Department at Clark University. Please feel free to contact the researcher ( alcoholusesurveyemail@gmail.com ) or the research supervisor ( jcordova@clarku.edu ) with any questions or concerns.

Historic day--Together

What a significant day for so many. I am watching the inauguration and seeing a sea of red flags waving is so beautiful.  It seems that for this day there is some kind of unity again for the nation.  I am so moved by this event, not only because I believe so much in the man who is our President but because the history of this day is so significant for the country. 

The faces of the people are so telling, from the singing of the choir to the crowd who seems enraptured by being part of such history.  I am enamored of this man who I believe is good, true and sincere. I feel it in my head and heart. 

"We the people" echoed over and over. Yes, for everything, we the people work much better together than separately.  Just knowing that we can pull together to live, progress and love is comforting.  I feel moved by that in the life that I live with my wife, the recovery that I practice with others, and the rights that I have as a citizen. 

"We, the people, declare today that the most evident of truths – that all of us are created equal – is the star that guides us still; just as it guided our forebears through Seneca Falls, and Selma, and Stonewall; just as it guided all those men and women, sung and unsung, who left footprints along this great Mall, to hear a preacher say that we cannot walk alone; to hear a King proclaim that our individual freedom is inextricably bound to the freedom of every soul on Earth." ~Barack Obama

And then this from Richard Blanco, the gay Cuban-American immigrant whose poem "Our Today" was read at the inauguration. 

One sky, toward which we sometimes lift our eyes 

tired from work: some days guessing at the weather 

of our lives, some days giving thanks for a love 

that loves you back, sometimes praising a mother 

who knew how to give, or forgiving a father 

who couldn’t give what you wanted. 

We head home: through the gloss of rain or weight 

of snow, or the plum blush of dusk, but always—home, 

always under one sky, our sky. And always one moon 

like a silent drum tapping on every rooftop 

and every window, of one country—all of us—

facing the stars 

hope—a new constellation

waiting for us to map it, 

waiting for us to name it—together