Exact nature of our wrongs

It has been a full day for me.  I started with going to the gym and working out hard on cardio and free weights.  After that,  I met a fellow I sponsor to continue work on the fourth step.  Then I went to the boat to strip off old varnish and put new coats on the bright work.  Finally, I ended up at a meeting where the topic was about the fifth step. And what a way to end the day.

The fifth step says that I admit to God, myself and another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.  The words "exact nature" were not something that I had thought much about before tonight.  When I did my first fifth step,  I told my life story to my sponsor--both the good and the bad, with mostly the bad things dominating.  I wanted this to be a confession.  I wanted to beat myself up, just as I had been doing for most of my life.  Never good enough, never fitting in, never being exactly right.

But my fifth step turned out to be an admission, followed by acceptance that I wasn't as bad as I had thought.  And there was nothing judgmental from my sponsor as he listened to me.  I'm not sure that I differentiated at the time the things that I did from the underlying reasons that I did those things.  I believe that the "exact nature" refers to the causes or reasons that I make up in my mind for why I do what I do.  It is not justifying my behavior or making excuses for the things that keep me stuck in self-defeating behaviors.   Instead, it's about awareness.

I think that it takes honesty, willingness, courage, open-mindedness and humility to look at oneself and understand the "exact nature of our wrongs".  Being aware that fear of rejection has been a huge factor in my life has made me change my reactions when dealing with others.

I understand that I was programmed from an early age to feel rejection.  I don't need to beat myself up over that.  I do know that it has colored a lot of how I view others and deal with relationships.  So that tells me that I need to try some different dynamic in dealing with others.  I don't need to keep doing what didn't work.

But I was also programmed to be willing, to listen and to be open-minded in my dealings with others.  Those are things that are innate to my nature.  And by being aware of them, I have been able to find acceptance for myself and those with whom I interact, and to take actions that are helping me find solutions to every day problems that arise.

“We are all a volume on a shelf of a library, a story unto ourselves, never possibly described with one word or even very accurately with thousands. A person is never as quiet or unrestrained as they seem, or as bad or good, as vulnerable or as strong, as sweet or as fiesty; we are thickly layered, page upon lying page, behind simple covers. And love - it is not the book itself, but the binding. It can rip us apart or hold us together.” ~ Deb Caletti

Secrets make us sick

"You're only as sick as your secrets
The things you keep inside
The stories so awful, so hurtful ~ YOU think
The ones you choose to hide
The feelings you wall off and keep at bay
The past you regret each and every day
The memories you wish would never be
The stuff you hope no one ever sees
You're only as sick as your secrets
The longer you hide them you'll find
They'll rob you of joy and sanity
They'll drive you right out of your mind
They'll keep you from living life to the full
They'll tug at your heart, push and pull
You apart ~ like a puzzle, piece by piece"

I have heard that we're only as sick as our secrets. I've been wondering about what secrets have done in my life. I know that I tried to keep a secret about my father's drinking when I was younger. And in my marriage I did what I could to keep it a secret that my wife drank and that we had problems in our marriage. For some illogical ego-driven reason, I wanted us to be the "perfect" couple.

I can remember that when we first moved to our current jobs many years ago, I thought that this would be a chance to have a "new" life. We could "start" over. Now I know that the geographic cure only is temporary and that wherever I go, I bring myself.

I felt a tremendous safeness when I did my fifth step. It was the first time that I had unburdened and loosened up all the secrets. I realize that every day I can speak truth because when I believed Step Two, I believed that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I have had to come to the realization yet again that sanity for me means that I let others think and do whatever they need to think and do. It's none of my business.

I never let anyone do anything to me that I wasn't complicit about. I went along with the program. I let the alcoholics hurt me, take my self esteem lower, leave my mind in turmoil. That was done with all my cooperation.

I know and do believe that living a spiritual life is necessary for me to regain my self. Honesty is a huge part of this program. Being honest is not an easy thing to do sometimes, it can be frightening, and sometimes painful. But without it I will not only hurt those I care about but will hurt myself worse. When I chose to do the steps, I looked forward to getting rid of secrets and to break the logjam in my head that told me to keep things to myself.

But what do I do when others in my life decide that they want to hold onto their secrets? I suppose that the fairy tales that I read have led me to believe that if I share my innermost thoughts to another, then they would do the same with me. The secrets are really a barrier that prevents closeness, enhances inadequacy, and keeps me selfish.

My own self-disclosure was humbling. But just as I am powerless over alcoholism, reality is that even those closest to me don't have to tell me their secrets just because I want them to.

There are people that I love who have left a mark on me that hasn't gone away. They have provided a mirror on my own being so that when I looked in their eyes I found parts of myself. And then there are those who I haven't seemed to connect with or engage my being with no matter how much I stayed open or made them feel safe. And now I wonder what they needed and if they will ever find it anywhere. I think that those are the people with whom I only received a tiny piece of their being and will look back and wonder what if they had given more.

What I do know is that we aren't so different from each other. It's just that somewhere one person is willing to step up at a crucial moment and break the silence, share the secrets, and become whole. I don't want to be the one alone who suffers in silence.

I still think that my relationship would become more open if others were willing to share their painful secrets. I now know that secrets have kept me sick for a long time. Being willing to listen, share and be well is a better option.

. . in silence might be the privilege of the strong, but it was certainly a danger to the weak. For the things I was prompted to keep silent about were nearly always the things I was ashamed of, which would have been far better aired . . .
—Joanna Field

God is busy

Thanks for all of your great comments yesterday. Some of you had asked previous to that post about what were the circumstances that brought me to Al-Anon. It was really a life time of living with alcoholism but the defining moment of surrender occurred as written in yesterday's post.

I had been expecting something from someone who had nothing to give at that time and hadn't for some years. I could remember thinking how much I wanted to turn back the clock, start over, and have a clean slate. I felt as if I had spent years trying to understand the relationship between us. Some days things would be great while at other times they would be beyond horrible. Such is life with alcoholism.

It was time for me to let go of her and to let myself live. I know now that I didn't stop loving her, but I had to change my behavior in the relationship. And through this great program, the grace of God and the steps, I was able to stop trying to make her into someone she wasn't and to release her to be who she is.

By taking my hands off the situation and giving consideration to my own needs, a major change occurred. I was given a chance at a new life and freedom of spirit.

And today I get to give some of what was so freely given to me back. I'm telling my story at a meeting this afternoon and am hearing a fifth step with a sponsee this evening. He wanted to do the fifth step at the beach. So I've got some lanterns, a cooler of sandwiches and soft drinks, a blanket to sit on, the Big Book of AA, and a vista that whispers God is all around. I am honored and filled with wonder to be where I am today. God is truly busy with me today.