Turning the brain upside down

I am feeling particularly "unpostworthy" today.  It's not that I'm feeling bad or down on myself.  I just feel quiet, a bit tired, and not much like writing. 

But there is something that is on my mind so I will write about it.  I talked to my cousin's wife this morning.  My cousin, who I have written about before on this blog, has a brain tumor, glioblastoma multiforme Stage IV to be exact.  He and I grew up together, played together, and have remained close over the years.

The brain tumor was diagnosed not long after he retired.  He noticed his golf game was off one day and then in another week found out that he had the worst diagnosis that one could expect when it comes to brain tumors.  He underwent surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy.  He has been on a lot of medications.  The upshot of it all is that he is alive, but his cognitive skills were compromised. He cannot walk without help, has rages that alternate with quiet, has difficulty reading and with forming sentences. 

His wife has become his savior.  She has taken care of him, watched over his therapy and care with great tenacity.  She has a spiritual side that is uncompromising.  I believe that without her energetic input his quality of life would be much less.  Perhaps he would not even be alive.

But she also says many things that I find to be strange.  She believes that dead neurosurgeons are living in his brain and are helping to cure him. This morning she told me that my cousin's mood had improved greatly since the dead surgeons took his brain, turned it upside down and shook it.  I resist rolling my eyes as I'm listening on the phone.  I keep quiet and listen but not without judgment.  I have to remind myself that he would likely be dead without her. 

And now her mother who is 92 has suffered a stroke.  She will be taking care of her as well when the mother gets out of the hospital today.  I do not believe that I would want to do all of this that she is doing.  I think that I would become a hostile martyr.  Perhaps this is just another example of my own selfishness. I know that I have great compassion for those who are caregivers for loved ones.  But knowing how much self-sacrifice is involved and how her every moment revolves around my cousin, and now her mother, seems totally stifling to me. I am awed by her unwavering commitment which I am afraid that I may not have.

Stinkin' Thinkin'

One of the slogans in the program is "Think". Lord knows, I've done enough of that for several people. I think that I've analyzed and re-analyzed so much in my life time and yet the distortions of my thinking have only begun to be clear to me recently.

I've heard distorted thinking called "stinking thinking". I think that this is an apt name because when my thinking loses perspective, it means that my head is firmly stuck up my butt, and I need to get it unstuck. I've also heard this expressed another way: "When I'm in my head, I'm behind enemy lines."

I've had a lot of thought distortions that generally involved an ego that told me I was not liked, not good enough, not having any fun. So I would isolate myself which only made the thinking worse.

I found the following types of distorted thinking to be interesting. These were exercepted from the book, The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns, M.D. Some are examples of distorted thinking that I've engaged in:

1. All-or-nothing thinking - I see things as black-or-white. I'm focused on perfection and if someone or a situation isn't "perfect" then it's a failure. I've learned that no one or thing is perfect. I'm only human. And today I celebrate my humanness rather than castigating myself.

2. Overgeneralization - I see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or a career reversal, as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as “always” or “never” when thinking about it. I've learned that "always" and "never" are God words. I only have today and can start the day over any time that I want. There are second chances.

3. Mental Filter - I pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that my vision of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water. I've learned that I may get a critical comment, but I don't have to obsess over it for days while ignoring all the positive feedback.

4. Discounting the positive - I reject positive experiences by insisting that they “don’t count.” If I do a good job, then it's okay to feel happy. I don't need to discount good work that I do.

5. Jumping to conclusions - I interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support my conclusion. I need a reality check.

6. Mind Reading : Without checking it out, I arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to me. Another reality check is needed.

7. Projecting: I predict that things will turn out badly. Most of these thoughts start with "What if" and end negatively. I avoid what if statements because the scenarios are endless and never positive.

8. Magnification - I exaggerate the importance of my problems and shortcomings, and minimize the importance of my good qualities. I do an affirmation list to bring out my good qualities.

9. Emotional Reasoning - I assume that my negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are. Just because I may feel sad, doesn't mean that I'm hopeless or somehow a second rate person.

10. “Should” statements - I tell myself that things should be the way I expected them to be. This leads to guilt and frustration. I don't want to "should" all over myself. I also try to avoid thoughts that start with "must", "ought", or "have to". Too many parental messages lead to stinking thinking.

11. Labeling - Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. I sometimes attach a negative label to myself when I make a mistake. Labeling is a way that I beat myself up and feed low self-esteem. I don't label others much. I've learned to accept that others have their own way of doing things. My acceptance of them helps me to think constructively rather than destructively. I can be gentle with myself too.

12. Personalization and Blame - Personalization comes when I hold myself personally responsible for an event that isn’t entirely under my control. Personalization leads to guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy. I don't like the blame game or play it. I've learned to take my own inventory and not the other persons. As my sponsor says, when I speak negatively of others then it's reflecting what I think about myself.

What I've come to understand through working the program is that these thoughts represent my perception which may be very different from reality. So I need to do a reality check. I ask myself whether the sad, angry, lonely, anxious feelings I'm having are based on fact. Am I trying and convicting someone due to my imagination? How does what I'm thinking compare with the reality of a situation?

In addition to doing a check on the facts, I look at what is going on and what my role is in it. I also know that I can run the thoughts past my sponsor, go to meetings, and ask for spiritual guidance in lifting me out of my miserable thinking.

Just because someone says or does something that is unkind to me, doesn't mean that I need to own it or engage in distorted thinking. I can respond with healthy words and actions or I can choose to simply walk away. The slogan T.H.I.N.K. is a great acronym for any statement that I make: Is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind?

Y not?

Judith of Vicarious Rising gave me the letter Y. When I think of this letter, there are a lot of words that come to mind. But symbolically, the letter itself is like a fork in the road or path that I need to choose. So here are my 10 Y things:

1. You--That's who I spent most of my life thinking about. Someone other than myself. I still find that you are an important part of my thoughts, just not the entire focus anymore. You has been replaced with more "I". That's part of my recovery.

2. Youth--Ah, youth. Who doesn't wish for that some days? I still feel young most of the time but without the angst of youth. Being young is a state of mind when you age. I don't have any desire to be the youth of my past, unless I could have the wisdom of today.

3. Yearning--This is a poignant one for me. I've yearned for something most of my life: acceptance and love primarily. Yearning for these things set me up for a lot of disappointments. And the things that I yearned for were right within my grasp, within myself. Yearning for the future was also futile when I know that I can just live in this day.

4. Yacht--this isn't a motor yacht but a sailing yacht. Specifically a Tayana, a Shannon, a Cabo Rico, or something like that. I love the lines of these traditional sailing vessels. There's something really appealing to me about a beautiful sailing yacht of the old school design.

5. Yogurt--I like mine with the plain vanilla flavor. It's one of my favorite snacks.

6. Yeti--I've always been fascinated by this hairy mythical beast. I remember seeing the blurry photograph of a yeti and thinking, "Wow, what if this is true?" It was probably a drunk guy in a gorilla suit but still the idea of an unknown species of man fascinates me.

7. Yellow--the color of brightness: sunflowers, yellow submarines, the sun, leaves in fall. And the ground breaking movie, I Am Curious--Yellow. I never saw a yellow streak down anyone's back, but I know that cowardice exists in other forms.

8. Yule--I'm not nordic but like the Yule traditions in Sweden. I have a couple of Julstackes that I bought and have up at Christmas. I have always burned a yule log at Christmas--it's really just a huge piece of oak that burns most of the day.

9. Yin Yang--I like this Chinese concept of opposites within a greater whole. I seem to be involved in love with the Yin to my Yang. I find the following fascinating (from Wikipedia):

"The relationship between yin and yang is often described in terms of sunlight playing over a mountain and in the valley. Yin (literally the 'shady place' or 'north slope') is the dark area occluded by the mountain's bulk, while yang (literally the 'sunny place' or 'south slope') is the brightly lit portion. As the sun moves across the sky, yin and yang gradually trade places with each other, revealing what was obscured and obscuring what was revealed. Yin is usually characterized as slow, soft, insubstantial, diffuse, cold, wet, and tranquil. It is generally associated with the feminine, birth and generation, and with the night. Yang, by contrast, is characterized as hard, fast, solid, dry, focused, hot, and aggressive. It is associated with masculinity and daytime."

I like the picture of sunlight playing over a mountain and in the valley. And the symbol for yin-yang has always intrigued me.

10. Yield--This is something that I don't do well. I would think of a rebuttal, a "yes, but" response. I don't like being controlled and yielding smacks of that. I'm learning that boundaries are important in deciding when to yield or not.

There you have it. The Y words that came to mind for me. Let me know if you want a letter. I'll be glad to toss one your way.

The Interview

Shadow sent me five questions to answer as part of an online interview. She answered those that had been sent to her on her site . It's interesting to be asked questions out of the blue, so here are mine and my answers:

1. has a dream or goal you’ve had come true? tell me about it. if not, what are you doing to get it?

My career was actually a goal. I knew when I was a child that I wanted to work in marine science. I was always fascinated by the sea and sea critters. I went fishing with my father who taught me a lot. My mother was also a great teacher of natural history. I worked summers at a nearby marine lab and then went on to graduate school for a master's degree and Ph.D. in oceanography. I've published over 85 manuscripts, been on many national committees, been to fantastic places in the ocean, and have enjoyed a full career in my chosen field. So the goal was fulfilled.

2. you have just turned 21, and you have a picture in your mind of what you want, where you want to go, what you want to become. as your life stands now, has it pretty much realized or is it completely different?

I've pretty much always known what I wanted. And as far as my life now, it has been realized many times over what I thought I would be or do at age 21. I suppose in many ways, my life now has surpassed what I envisioned at age 21. I didn't think that I'd have the great job that I've had, have the "things" in life that I have, or be married for as long as I have. I didn't envision getting married at age 21. I was going to be more of a "free spirit". I suppose in many ways, I'm still that free spirit.

3. do you prefer long hair or short hair, for yourself and your so.
Definitely long hair.

4. you’ve learned to skipper a boat. tell me about one thing you learnt that has been the most helpful.
It's hard to name any one thing. I would have to say that one has to be vigilant and always be mindful of the weather and it's changes. And always have a good engine as a backup.

5. describe your dream girl.
Hmmm....This isn't like buying a car. But I would say that the important traits are being intelligent, compassionate, not afraid of expressing feelings, honest, adventuresome, positive in thought and deed, physically fit, good personal hygiene, and having a sense of self that makes her light up those around her. I think that I've found that.

The Rules

• leave me a comment saying: interview me
• comments with e-mail addresses will not be published to preserve privacy
• i will e-mail you five questions. i get to pick the questions
• you can then answer the questions on your blog
• you should also post these rules along with an offer to interview anyone else who e-mails you wanting to be interviewed
• anyone who asks to be interviewed should be sent 5 questions to answer on their blog
• it would be nice if the questions were individualized for each blogger

Random things

Mark tagged me for 8 random things about myself. It seems like I've done this before on here. I'm not sure how random these are but I'll try to do them rapidly so they might be somewhat random:
1. My first job was working at a marine institute where I dumped dead oysters out of jars. And I did it for free, volunteering for the summer.
2. My favorite car that I've owned was a red 1968 Mustang.
3. I would really like to visit exotic places like Cairo, Calcutta, and the Amazon and others that I've read about.
4. I've been down to over 2000 meters in a submersible.
5. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday
6. I used to do oil and acrylic painting and took private art lessons for 5 years.
7. I have volunteered at homeless shelters and at a halfway house for the mentally ill.
8. I used to own a thoroughbred horse who raced at Pimlico.

Okay, I'm supposed to tag others so I guess that I'll tag Mary Christine, dAAve, Tab, Lash, Kel, Shannon, Matty, and Pat. Sorry guys....

Six weird things and a bunch of other facts

Okay, I've been tagged to write six weird things about myself. Here are the rules: People who get tagged need to write a blog entry of their own 6 weird things. In the end, I will choose 3 people to be tagged and list their names. I'm supposed to leave a comment on their blog that says they have been tagged and to tell them to read my blog!

I don't know what defines weird but I'll do my best:
1. I have 10 piercings in one ear
2. I have six other piercings
3. I once photographed a suspension party and a friend getting branded
4. I have a simian crease on one hand
5. I have Morton's toe
6. I think that leaving the toilet seat up is a sign of bad manners.

Okay after I've revealed all those weird things about myself (there are a few more that I can't mention), I guess that I'll tag Shannon, Mary Christine, and Christine.

After the six weird things, then I'm going to post another list I put together quite a while ago. It is 110 things about me:

1. I have no children
2. I have wished many times to have had a daughter
3. I was too fearful that I was too messed up to have a child
4. I would die for the people that I love
5. I am in recovery
6. From the effects of alcoholism
7. I have a mental list of things that I want to do before I die
8. One of those things is to live on a boat

9. I have a bunch of piercings
10. I am a Capricorn
11. I don't put much stock in organized religion
12. My father drank heavily when I was young
13. He also hit me on several occasions
14. I always believe in the wonderful fantasy of love
15. I take photos for they are my memory and my sentiment
16. I am pretty good at taking photos
17. I like to drive fast
18. I wear my seatbelt
19. I am right handed
20. I would like to be really good at photography and painting
21. I've met some pretty self-important people over the years
22. I’m not easily impressed
23. I love the ocean
24. I want to live on a boat with someone I love
25. I have worked on the ocean as a career
26. I could never live far from the ocean
27. I do not like to cook
28. I love music of all kinds
29. I own a home
30. I have a maid
31. I get easily bored and need mental stimuli
32. I have traveled quite a bit to some interesting places
33. I don't bullshit, mindfuck, or play with people
34. I don’t like people who try to bullshit, mindfuck or play with me
35. I once had sex 8 times in one night
36. I was never a truly wild person but I wanted to be
37. I had a horse that I loved
38. I was a good rider
39. I used to do long-distance cycling
40. I believe the full moon really does mess with people
41. If you go to Google and key in my real name you will get quite a few hits
42. I never liked my nickname
43. I once went to an all nude strip club
44. I sing sometimes but I sing badly
45. I have all my original teeth
46. I watch very little T.V.
47. When I watch TV it is generally news or the weather channel.
48. I spend too much time on the computer
49. For both work and play
50. I have no siblings
51. My parents had me after 16 years of marriage
52. My parents are deceased
53. I smoked cigarettes when I was 6 years old
54. I hate cigarettes and cigarette smoke
55. I love antiques
56. I will eat just about anything or at least try it.
57. I have an adventuresome spirit
58. I like all forms of exercise
59. I think that I will live to be old
60. I feel younger than my years
61. I have been to one X rated movie
62. I like deep long kisses
63. I sleep in a fetal position
64. I think that all forms of sex are okay
65. I believe in the idea of a soul mate
66. I don’t have any addictions
67. I don’t take myself too seriously
68. I believe you are never too old to learn something
69. I believe in the downtrodden
70. I wanted to work with Mother Theresa
71. I have never been arrested
72. I have never been in a jail
73. I am fearless
74. I love to laugh
75. I have way too much STUFF
76. I feel happy most of the time
77. I do not like to pick favorites
78. I do not like to use the word "hate" - it is such a strong word
79. I like to go camping and roughing it
80. My father told me that I should “cut the garment according to the cloth” which I seldom do
81. I like the finer things in life but could do without them if I had to
82. I am not a snob
83. I think I'm nice looking
84. I miss my mother and father
85. I hope that they were proud of me
86. I have learned to tie knots and do marlinspike seamanship
87. I like comfortable clothes but appreciate style
88. I like to sleep naked
89. My favorite color is black
90. I love animals
91. I have too many dogs
92. I don’t like gaudy jewelry on men or women
93. I can curse a blue streak but generally only around people that I know really well
94. I don’t like to kill anything
95. I once was slapped by a friend
96. I had wine thrown in my face by a woman
97. I am a Democrat
98. I don’t like things that smell bad including people
99. I believe in reincarnation
100. I would like to be reincarnated as a dog
101. I have contemplated suicide
102. I prefer to live and see what happens in the end
103. I wish that I weren’t so serious
104. I have few close friends
105. I enjoy parties but after I’ve had enough I want to leave
106. I’ve had to be tough in my job but am really a kind person
107. I want to build a small boat
108. I would like to visit Africa and the Amazon
109. I would like to see the pyramids before I die
110. I don't believe that marriage is a good idea
     

There you have it. It's a day of things about me.