Back in school

I am in Sea School for the weekend.  Today was a long one, but the material was interesting enough.  I think that I have a fairly good grasp of the material.  Tomorrow, class will start again at 8 AM.

When I got home this evening, I wolfed down some dinner and went back over the material from today and began to prep for chart navigation tomorrow.  I am glad that I still have the stamina to put in a long day of class work and evening study.  I had to smile at one of the young fellows in the class who took a nap at lunch and didn't wake up until we were over an hour into the afternoon session.

One of my strong suits has been sheer determination.  It served me well with studies and a research career.  It also worked against me terribly for all those years that I thought my determination would make sense of alcoholism and change my loved ones to being how I wanted them to be.  It's another example of how a character asset can be a double edged sword and work to my detriment.

I don't have time to make comments on your posts, but I will do so when I get a chance.  For the moment, I am reviewing what I learned in some of the piloting courses that I took last fall.  I'm glad that I did some prep by taking those courses because I can see the befuddled look on some of the faces of those who have not done this work before.  It surely is a lot to cram into a few days.  All of those years of focusing in meetings and being an intense listener is actually helping.

I wondered what each of you were doing while I was grabbing a sandwich at lunch.  I hope all is well.

Learning to listen

Listening is one of the things that now comes easy to me. I'd rather listen to someone else talk than to be the center of attention myself.  That has been the case for most of my life.  I think part of it is being an introvert and maybe part of it is not feeling adequate to withstand the scrutiny in a group.  But if I can simply be one on one with another person, then I don't mind talking and sharing. 

Sharing at Al-Anon meetings has been sometimes easy and sometimes difficult for me.  I used to dread having to share because I felt that I didn't have anything but pain to offer.  Now I see the solutions more clearly.  And I try to stick to the topic so that I don't ramble. I like to get to the point and not be repetitive but simply state what comes from my heart. But being at a meeting isn't so much about what I say but what I get from others who share their E, S, and H. 

There have been many times though that I didn't want to listen to anyone.  I didn't want to listen to my father when I was a teenager.  I thought that I knew best and was sure in my stance and stubborn as a mule.  And there are still subjects that evoke passionate opinions from me, such as politics and conservation ethics.  

With the alcoholic,  I actually listened to the drunken self pity and the morning after apologies.  What I really wanted was to shut out the slurred words and the philosophical meanderings of a drunken mind. Now I've come to realize that it would have been best if I'd not listened to any of that or tried to argue back or even tried to make sense by offering rational advice.  I don't believe that there was anything that I could have said that would have made much of a difference at the time. It was just another way that I was going to try to control an unmanageable situation.

I've learned to trust my inner voice and to listen to it.  When that inner voice tells me that something isn't right, I listen and don't ignore it.  If it tells me to remove myself from an unacceptable situation, then I pay close attention.  If it tells me to keep my mouth shut and sit tight, then I inventory the situation and make a decision.

Listening is a powerful part of the program.  Sometimes by just keeping quiet,  the answers that I seek become clear.

Listen and learn

It's another wild and windy day here. The Harbor had been whipped into a frenzy by strong north east gusts. It's another day to stay inside, sit by a fire, read a book and nap. But that's just in my fantasy today because I'm at work.

I'm glad that I got moving and went to the noon meeting. The topic today was "listen and learn". There were a lot of good shares. It seems that I hear what I need at just the time that I need it.

I know that I'm a good listener. In fact, I prefer to listen rather than talk. I listened over and over to what the alcoholics in my life told me--"I love you and won't do this again." "I am so sorry to have hurt you." "You do know that I love you." I listened to all these words and believed them. I believed them because that seemed to be so much easier than the alternative of reality.

Today I still listen, but I have a filter for the words. I believe that actions speak louder than words and that deeds provide the truth. I have learned a lot since being in Al-Anon. The words spoken in meetings are something that I can think about, try out, and see how they fit.

Every word that comes out of a person's mouth may have the intent of truth. I still want to believe what people tell me. But now I hear what's spoken and then see what my gut reaction is. I listen to the voice within. And when I'm out in Nature, I listen to the voices that God has provided. They speak through the wind blowing, waves crashing, leaves rustling, bird songs, and other sounds of God's creations. I hear more truth in them than I do in many human utterances.

Please Listen to What I am Not Saying

At one of the meetings I attend, there is a Beginner's Meeting. Almost every week, there are 2-3 beginners that show up. I often lead the Beginner's Meeting. I think that it's important for them to get a chance to talk about why they are coming to Al-Anon and provide them with some basics about the program.

I think that it's important to share some of my experience, strength and hope with them. And to let them know that they are not alone in their feelings. So I found the following particularly profound. It reminded me of what it was like for me just before I understood surrender.

"Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask; I wear a thousand masks I am afraid to take off, and none of them are me.

I give you the impression that I am secure, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the waters are calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one. But don't believe me please.

My surface may seem smooth-- underneath I dwell in confusion, in fear, in fear of being found out. That's why I frantically create a mood to hide behind, a calm, sophisticated front to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is my salvation and I know it. It's the only thing that can assure me of acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh. Laughter would kill me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a front of "having it together," but a trembling child hides within. And so my life becomes a front. I chatter to you in a cool tone; I tell you everything that's nothing and nothing of what's everything and what's crying within me. So when I go into my routine do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen to what I am not saying.

I dislike the phony game I'm playing. I'd like to be real and spontaneous, and show you who I really am. You've got to hold out your hand even when it may seem to be the last thing I want, and need. Only you can awaken the aliveness within. Each time you're kind and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings-- small wings, very feeble wings.

I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator of the person that is me if you choose to. But it will not be easy for you. A long time of feeling inferior builds strong walls.

The nearer you appraoch me, the harder I may strike back. It is irrational, but I am irrational. I fight against the very things I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than walls, and therein lies my hope. Please try and beat down those walls with firm but gentle hands-- for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I? You may wonder? I am someone you know very well, I am every new comer you meet."

From the book called "Stepping Stones To Recovery from Codependency" by Katie C and Deb M

Listen

We are off on the boat today. Everything is packed for several days. I thought that the following is a good summation of the frustration that can come from giving advice. I have always liked the idea that Al-Anon isn't about giving advice but about sharing our E, S, and H.

Have a great fourth. I'll post photos of the fireworks and beach adventures when I get a chance.
Stay safe.
_______________________________________________________
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I asked was that you listen not talk or do-just hear me.

Advice is cheap: 25 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper. And I can do for myself, I'm not helpless Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness. But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling.

And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.

So, please listen and just hear me. And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn; and I'll listen to you.

Anonymous

Bailouts and debates

I spent a great night at home, got up early and went back in the field for a rainy day. Tonight, I'm back home and am glued to the news.

I have to admit that one of the boring things about me is that I am a news freak. And tonight I'm playing catch up on what has been going on this week. More bad news on Wall Street, more people wondering what is going on, and maybe more people waking up and taking an interest in the state of the nation.

I'll be tuned in to the debate tonight. I want to see what each candidate has to say. I want to make an informed decision. Tonight I don't feel powerless but empowered to watch and listen to what candidates for the presidency of this nation have to say. I hope that I won't be disappointed because I do have some expectations.

All done

I finished up the sailing course and received my certification with keel boats. It was a great course and a great experience. I think that the best part was being able to tack and jibe in close quarters within the marina and being able to sail into the slip without any motor power. That was an accomplishment.

Meeting and interacting with the other people in the course was also a lot of fun. I found that our mutual enthusiasm made our time together on the boat easy. We truly worked as a team which makes for a smoother ride in general. And all of us were agreeable in realizing that we were willing to learn and eager to absorb as much as we could from the instructor.

I can't say enough good things about the young instructors. They were the yin and yang of each other but each offered valuable knowledge. If I had not had the first instructor who was a "micro-manager" sailor, then I wouldn't have been as well prepared for the second part of the course. And the instructor for that part had a laid back style but put the boat in our hands and asked each of us to explain what we were doing and why. Both styles complemented each other.

I am tired tonight but think that a few Ibuprofen will do the trick. Right now, I'm going to take those and hit the sack.

What are you bringing to a meeting?

Since coming to Al-Anon, I've learned that it's important to participate. I've gone to meetings where I didn't actually feel like saying anything, yet I most always share something. It may not be brilliant or profound but I seem to feel better if I speak up and share what I'm thinking.

So I think that what I bring to a meeting is just as important, sometimes more so, that what I get out of the meeting. I've heard people comment that they didn't get what they wanted at a particular meeting. That makes me think "What are you bringing to the meeting" or "why don't you come to the meeting and help make it be what you would like it to be?"

Listening is important and is something that I do a lot of at meetings. But sharing on the topic, even when it's hard, is another route to recovery.

I do not know what course of action is right for anyone else. I can offer only comfort and compassion, and the good example of my life I am trying to build. ......One Day At a Time, p. 57

Listening

Listening is one of the things that now comes easy to me. I'd rather listen to someone else talk than to be the center of attention myself.  One of the things that I disliked about scientific meetings was to have to do "shop" talk when I really just wanted to be quiet and have some solitude.  

Sharing at Al-Anon meetings has been sometimes easy and sometimes difficult for me.  I used to dread having to share because I felt that I didn't have anything but pain to offer.  Now I see the solutions more clearly.  And I try to stick to the topic so that I don't ramble.  Still I often get so much just by listening to others share their E, S, and H. 

There have been many times though that I didn't want to listen to anyone.  I didn't want to listen to my father when I was a teenager.  I thought that I knew best and was sure in my stance and stubborn as a mule.  And there are still subjects that evoke passionate opinions from me, such as politics and conservation ethics.  

With the alcoholic,  I actually listened to the drunken self pity and the morning after apologies.  What I really wanted was to shut out the slurred words and the philosophical meanderings of a drunken mind.  Now I've come to realize that it would have been best if I'd not listened to any of that or tried to argue back or even tried to make sense by offering rational advice.  I've learned to trust my inner voice and to listen to it.  When that inner voice tells me that something isn't right, I listen and don't ignore it.  If it tells me to remove myself from an unacceptable situation, then I pay close attention.  If it tells me to keep my mouth shut and sit tight, then I inventory the situation and make a decision.  

Listening is a powerful part of the program.  Sometimes by just keeping quiet,  the answers that I seek become clear.