Al-Anon closing

A part of the closing statement for Al-Anon goes like this:

Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else,
but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another.
Instead, let the understanding, love and peace of the
program grow in you one day at a time.

I like the idea that we can talk to each other and reason things out with someone else. To me that means that if I reach out my hand for help, a hand will be there. Every group has some members that consider themselves or are considered by others to be wise and knowledgeable. They may or may not be the "someone else" that you want to reason things out with.

Occasionally, there may be a person who believes themselves to be the authority on a topic or in general, or the group may recognize them as an authority because of their time in the program or for some other reason. When I first came into the program, I heard a lot of people who had a great deal of wisdom. I couldn't relate to all of them. Eventually, I was able to find people whose perspectives were applicable to my situation. So if you don't hear what you need to hear, keep seeking until you find the soul who can provide the experience, strength and hope you need. The closing does not specify who that "someone else" should be, and leaves that to us as a freedom of choice to determine.

The meeting closing discourages gossip and criticism. I don't see that happening in the meetings that I now attend. But I do know it occurs in some meetings.  At times, I am put off by some of the things that I hear and see.  But when I remember that each of us is only human, and that the ego can really fool me and make a fool of me, I am much more accepting.  Although we all have many different personalities, the one thing we all have in common is we have been affected by the disease of alcoholism.

With all these different personalities come different opinions and different actions. Sometimes I don't like those actions, sometimes I don't especially like the people. But something I learned early on in my recovery is that I can learn something from people that I don't like, and I can respect their opinions.  They have the right to have their opinion which I may or may not agree with.  I don't have to gossip about them to other members or be critical. I can respect them for who they are. I can agree to disagree. "We aren't perfect." I am here to continue to recover, not take someone else's fourth step inventory. That's not my job, it belongs to their HP and to them.

 

The last part of the closing sums up the essence of the program: "Instead, let the understanding, love, and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time."

The other Three C's

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.” Dale Carnegie

I was with my qualifier all weekend, either doing something fun or working on a project for the boat. We never used to be able to work on any project together. I either felt criticized for what I was doing, or I was busy taking her inventory and condemning right back.

There were moments when we were discussing the boat project yesterday that I wanted to criticize or offer an opinion in an impatient manner. It's easy to lapse into the old pattern of thinking that I have a quick solution and to not listen to what the other person has to say. When either of us begins to condemn mentally and speak critically, it signifies that I've bought back into the idea that I'm right and my wife is failing my expectations.

But being critical, complaining and condemning is not going to motivate her or anyone else to change. I have learned over the years in a professional capacity that destructive criticism isn't much appreciated. Being critical can evoke feelings of tension, resentment, and hurt. Criticism can cross the line to condemnation that puts a person on the defensive and wounds self-esteem. It isn't a good way to increase morale. And that's because no matter how logical criticism may seem, we humans are not creatures of logic but creatures of emotion.

So I've come to understand that it's better for me to keep my mouth shut rather than to criticize, condemn and complain. That seems to fit with taking full responsibility for my attitude, and I like that as well.

Fortunately, it helps to be involved in a program that tells me not to change what others are doing or thinking. Who am I to tell another that “what you’re doing is wrong”? I may think that I have a better way, but do I?

I've also found that when I am complaining, condemning and criticizing, I'm wanting others to fix a problem without contributing anything myself. I was once in a meeting in which a colleague would repeatedly say, "No, I don't like that idea". He would say this over and over when something would come up on the table for discussion. Yet, he never offered a solution--not once. Eventually, the meeting became more and more unproductive because resentments built, people quit listening, and others felt it was pointless to make any more recommendations that would meet with more criticism.

So, at times like these, in a relationship of any kind, I've found it most helpful to be tactful and open-minded. I can ask for a compromise or that someone consider another viewpoint. And in my marriage, I've learned that if I don't fall back into my fears and remain open to trust, then it's likely that what is said won't be taken as a complaint, condemnation, or criticism and be perceived as just a statement of the problem.

And there's another option as well. I don't have to approve of everything or find a positive side to every situation. I can still say "No thank you" and explain my reasons. I can also write out my complaints in my journal. It seems that setting them down on paper puts things in a different light. And then I don't have to voice them out loud.

Thankfully, we were able to complete the boat project without either of us getting angry. We worked towards the solution and added in a lot of humor as we worked. And in the end, there was a sense of accomplishment, happiness and celebration. Not bad for a day's work.

Shoulding all over myself

I laugh when I hear someone in a meeting say that they "shoulded" all over themselves. It is funny but such a true statement for so many of us in the program.

I certainly did my share of shoulding. And most of my finger-wagging attitude came because I was angry that my expectations and values weren't being met. And I had no concept at the time about being powerless. I thought that I knew how things should be. The alcoholic had a different attitude.

I listened to a sponsee tell me about his shoulding yesterday. His wife is an active alcoholic, and he told me about his morning conversation. It went something like this:

Him: "You sure are being grumpy this morning."
Her: "Yes, I guess I am. But you seem to not be so happy yourself. What's bothering you?"
Him: "You! You are bothering me. You should cut down on your drinking. You feel bad and then you sit around and mope. You should go out for a walk, do something positive. And you should get some help."

Wow---I remember those conversations. They did nothing but cause a major escalation. We would both end up saying things that were hurtful because I was angry at her drinking and felt it was my job to get her to stop by shaming, blaming and shoulding.

At the time, I didn't understand the concept of powerlessness, acceptance, or minding my own business. I was critical, judgmental and angry. And I probably learned a lot of that from my parents who were judgmental themselves.

Anyway, I talked to the sponsee about how a statement that starts with the word "You" is a controlling statement. And it often contains some form of accusation or judgment. If I feel compelled to make a comment, an "I" statement about my thoughts works much better and feels more honest.

"Thou shalt not should thyself. "
--Anonymous

Let there be no gossip or criticism

Another part of the closing statement for Al-Anon goes like this:

Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else,
but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another.
Instead, let the understanding, love and peace of the
program grow in you one day at a time.

I like the idea that we can talk to each other and reason things out with someone else. To me that means that if I reach out my hand for help, a hand will be there. Every group has some members that consider themselves or are considered by others to be wise and knowledgeable. They may or may not be the "someone else" that you want to reason things out with.

Occasionally, there may be a person who believes themselves to be the authority on a topic or in general, or the group may recognize them as an authority because of their time in the program or for some other reason. When I first came into the program, I heard a lot of people who had a great deal of wisdom. I couldn't relate to all of them. Eventually, I was able to find people whose perspectives were applicable to my situation. So if you don't hear what you need to hear, keep seeking until you find the soul who can provide the experience, strength and hope you need. The closing does not specify who that "someone else" should be, and leaves that to us as a freedom of choice to determine.

The meeting closing discourages gossip and criticism. I don't see that happening in the meetings that I now attend. Although we all have many different personalities, the one thing we all have in common is we have been affected by the disease of alcoholism.

With all these different personalities come different opinions and different actions. Sometimes I don't like those actions, sometimes I don't especially like the people. But something I learned early on in my recovery is that I can learn something from people that I don't like, and I can respect their opinions. I don't have to gossip about them to other members or be critical. I can respect them for who they are. I can agree to disagree. "We aren't perfect." I am here to continue to recover, not take someone else's fourth step inventory. That's not my job, it belongs to their HP and to them.

The last part of the closing sums up the essence of the program: "Instead, let the understanding, love, and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time."

Discovering Choices

Al-Anon has a new book out called Discovering Choices. I haven't read it yet but have read a few excerpts on line. It's about relationships, something that I'm always interested in since that seems to be one of the major stumbling blocks for me in recovery.

It's the whole idea of having healthy relationships and not the co-dependent ones of the past. Anyway, the book states that "Wherever we may be in our search for healthy relationships, we
have to begin where we are today. It may be painful to think how much better our relationships could have—or should have—been. There’s no point in criticizing ourselves when we did the best we could with what we had. We can gain peace of mind by putting aside what we could or should have done and by accepting who and where we are right now."

It's an important point for me to get through my head that I don't need to constantly be criticizing myself for the way I've handled relationships in the past. They are over with. I can just concentrate on how I handle things on this day, hopefully with respect for the other and with love.

The book explains that at meetings we find people who have discovered that happiness is a choice they can make at any moment. I can choose to be happy or I can choose to let my fear take hold and be miserable. Being content is not an accidental mood created when someone else does what I want. I just need to keep the focus on what is within my power to change and what is up to my HP. I think that way I'll be able to achieve the peace of mind and healthy relationships that the book talks about.

Rough diamonds

I was talking to a friend last night about his years in AA and how it all worked for him. He is one who was willing to go to any length to stay sober. He told me that when we come into a recovery program, we are like a diamond in the rough. There are lots of rough edges. After we go to enough meetings and rub up against enough people, those edges become smooth. And eventually if we stay at it enough, a beautifully cut stone is formed. I thought that this was a nice analogy.

I still have the rough edges. Some things have smoothed out for me. But there are others that remain. My response to criticism is one of the triggers that sets off bad stuff in my head. I know how to recognize it when it occurs but all too often it will sneak up on me when I'm least expecting it.

I've read a lot about reactions to vitriol from another person. Even though I don't act out or give sharp words back, I do something that is totally unproductive: I let the anger from the other person make me feel diminshed. Sometimes by letting the anger get into my system when it's projected by another, I can become indignant rather than just shrugging and letting it go.

My sponsor likes to say that "Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one." It's funny because when I first heard that I thought "Well, I guess that I need to remember that when the next asshole offers an opinion". What I really need to do is to see that I just may be rubbing against a person who has the rough edges still and that by doing so, maybe some of mine and that of the other person will be smoothed a bit.

Letting some one else be my Higher Power

My sponsor and I talked about guilt last night. It seems that I have an over abundance of that, even when I've nothing to feel guilty about. I have gotten better since being in the program but the guilt beast is still lurking in me, ready to challenge peace and happiness at a moment's notice.

Another big thing for me is self-criticism. So if someone finds out that I am harsh on myself or have that streak of integrity that means I want to do the "right" thing, then it's likely that I will cough up what ever it is you're after. I know that I've caved in and acquiesced when I'm criticized. Usually when that happens then I'm left with guilt, self-loathing and resentment. It doesn't make for a pleasant day when the chain gets yanked and your toilet is flushed.

So, what kind of scenario sets this up in my head? Well, work used to do it to me. I would take on way more things than I could handle because I thought that it was expected of me. I had to be the one to get it all done and have it be the best. I would spend nights and weekends getting these extra projects done. For what??? What generally happens is that more work is piled on because everyone then knows that you're the sucker whose willing to take it all without complaining. Yet, in my head I was screaming with resentment and anger.

So, what I've learned is to not let work or anyone else be my Higher Power. I can say No with only a twinge of guilt or sometimes none at all. I don't take on extra work anymore, and I don't volunteer for any "atta boy" crap at work. I keep my free time open and I keep my nights and weekends sacred.

Letting someone or something else be my Higher Power means that I am letting someone else control my feelings, thoughts, beliefs and actions. What I need to remember is that I'm not responsible for what occurs to others, nor can I control what others think of me. I don't have to be involved in the problems and choices of others. Instead I am learning to concentrate on my own life and personal growth. I have to turn things that are beyond my control over to my HP and just let go of my compulsions.

Anniversary of father's death

Today is the anniversary of my father's death. He died in 1985 at age 76 from cardiac failure largely due to emphysema. He was an old fashioned gentleman who loved being on the water. He taught me how to fish at an early age and to steer the boat and understand the channel markers. He always had a good job and worked every day for a large shipbuilding company that had a lot of defense contracts. For some reason though, on the weekends, he would go to a local bar and grill and have a few beers. One of those evenings resulted in his having a car accident in which he broke his shoulder. I remember that night well and it was one filled with fear for me. I can remember the sheriff coming to the door, my father coming in, and the doctor being summoned. Because my family was well known, there weren't any legal consequences. He had been driving his car too fast and it got away from him. His shoulder was broken and always had a different look to it for the rest of his life. I remember the smell of beer on him.

As time went on, he would sip bourbon on the weekends. He would often be drunk by dinner and I hated having to eat at the table with the slurred speech and criticism of me. He wasn't a mean drunk but he would be very critical of me and often express displeasure at whatever I did. I began to think that I annoyed him or was a source of irritation. When I was younger I would get the belt on my legs and butt. Although I would try to please him, as I got older, I rebelled. I was a teenager and as tall as he was, although he outweighed me. I can remember having arguments with him and he would try to hit me. I would storm out of the house and stay away until it was safe to come back. On the weekends, I would sometimes sleep until near noon and then head out with my friends or take my car and leave.

I was actually a good kid. I studied, made good grades, graduated at the top of my high school class and later was one of the top graduates in college. I never thought that he totally approved of me but probably that was in my own head. We made peace though as the years went by and thankfully his alcohol consumption went way down to near abstinence later in life.

I realize now that whatever was bothering him during those years of my youth was in his head. His anger was his to own and not mine. I loved him a lot and still think of him. He was a critical person but probably because he wanted so much for me. I gave all that I had to give and was by all outward signs a success. Inwardly though, I was unsure, felt unloved, and not very happy. That was especially prevalent during high school. When I went away to college, it was as if I were free. I was out of the house and on my own where no one knew anything about me. This "geographic" cure worked well until I came back home where all the same fears came back.

Anyway, I understand my father a lot better today than I ever did in those years. He did the best that he could and had his own fears to deal with. I think that he knew how much I loved him and hope that his spirit is peaceful and united with my mother whom he loved.

Self-worth

One of the parts of Step Four in Al-Anon is to assess self worth. I've had moments when I felt confident and carefree and then I've had moments in which I felt totally worthless. In the fourth step workbook, there is a statement that really hits home:

"We hid our feeling of self-worth deep within, and our perspective became distorted. Many of us even tried to conceal that we felt worthless on the inside to the point that we couldn't show any real warmth and concern for anyone, including ourselves".

I know that there are families where the self-esteem of the child is nurtured. In my family, I could never please my father. He was a stern person who was always critical of me no matter how hard I tried. From that critical parental view, I began to think that I wasn't ever going to be "good enough".

I can think back on how many times I was concerned about what others thought of me. For the most part though, if I felt criticized and rejected, I shut myself off from those people. I didn't try to change myself which is a good thing. That system broke down though around those people that I loved. For them, I would try my best to be what they wanted, at the sacrifice of my own well being. Now I recognize those individuals who are judgmental and I am not really concerned about what they think. Sure there are moments when I slip and become self-critical; but I'm beginning to feel that I'm really okay and the issues that others have are not something that I have to own. I still love deeply but if someone really doesn't like the way I am, then there needs to be communication that is clear and a discussion that is rational and loving. I know what kind of person I am and am getting more and more comfortable in my skin.