Willing to go to any lengths?

I'm getting ready to head out the door to meet up with a fellow that I sponsor.  We are working on being entirely ready to have God remove his defects of character.  This sixth step is about being willing.  And being willing is what seems to have been a great asset in my recovery.

Will is a strange thing.  For me,  I had run things on self-will.  I was a willful kid for sure.  My father used to tell me that I was strong willed.  I suspect that meant that I was a pain in the ass at the time.  I found that in later life my will was more about having my way and feeling that I was entitled to feel angry.  After all,  I was married to an alcoholic which seemed to give me the right to feel bad and place blame.

I was also willing to tell my wife what to do, how to be happy.  Just do what I say and all will be okay.  I thought that all my problems were because of her.  Not once did I really look at what I was doing.  And if I did, it was just for a fleeting moment so that I could get back to being a victim once again. 
 
When was I willing to go to any lengths?  It was when I my pain finally wiped out my self-management delusions.  What I was doing wasn't working.  My wife wasn't getting sober.  I was miserable.  Nothing was working for me, except work itself.  And there I could tell others what to do and have things neat and orderly.

So complete and utter desperation brought about my being willing to do something different and believe that something that was beyond what I was doing might be a better solution. 

And once I was willing to reach out,  I had to take some actions.  I had to stop pretending that I had things under control.  I had to be honest with my sponsor and others.  I had to be the person that I really am, rather than the person that I wanted others to see.   Being authentic is not easy for me, but I gradually began to share my own weaknesses, to be honest about my feelings.  And the miracles began to happen.

So I ask those that want me to sponsor them, "Are you willing to do the work?"  Sometimes the answer is a strong "YES".  And sometimes, even saying yes and believing it is followed by "It's too hard" or "I have trouble trusting".  Some are willing to do some things but aren't willing to go to any lengths.  Caveats often are the rule rather than the exception, unless I'm willing to go to any lengths.

I have had to ask myself when I start to falter in recovery:
Am I willing to be open and honest?
Am I willing to stop isolating and actually call someone, extend a hand, grasp a hand? 
Am I willing to stop making excuses about why I can't do something and come up with reasons why I can?
Am I willing to break free from what holds me back in being at peace with who I am?

I have found that I am willing to do these things.  And I will keep doing them because I don't want to go back to being the miserable person I was a few years ago.  Yes, I am willing. 

I am not the Director

I have a good friend who is about as alcoholic as one can be even though he has been without a drink for over two decades.  I listen to him as he has all kinds of dreams and goals, none of which he really wants to work to achieve.  He hasn't had a job in over a year and lives off whatever happens to come his way occasionally.  I listen to him talk about getting his captain's license and wonder how he will pass the exam when his study habits are so poor.  He has much fear and anxiety, yet seems immobilized to take action.

I bite my tongue a lot.  I want to speak up and say, "Hey D., you are going about all of this the wrong way."  I have a lot of solutions for him: Get a job which will end the fear about finances; quit bitching about what is wrong with AA meetings and go to one; do something for others instead of thinking of yourself first; call your aging parents and reach out to them, and so on. 

I think that I have the answers on how to direct his life. It is so tempting to be the director of another.  But I have enough Al-Anon to know that he would resent my suggestions, that I cannot change him to be a mini-me,  and that he has to figure out his life without my interference. 

I know that my thinking that I have the answers goes back a long way.  Was I born this way?  I sincerely doubt it.  But growing up in a dysfunctional home gave me a lot of lessons on seeing what others were doing "wrong".  And those old lessons still present themselves to me every day in which I think that I have a better way. 

This will be a life long process for me of keeping my mouth shut and not trying to run the show.  I know that I must let others fall flat and experience the consequences of their actions.  I am not the Director of their life.  My movie of their life would be a flop.  But each of us has a Higher Power of our understanding.  I take solace in knowing that the burdens of others don't sit squarely on my shoulders.  The load seems lighter just for having written that. 

The five percent

I heard an interview with Charlie Sheen in which he bashed Alcoholics Anonymous and their "5 percent success rate."  He said that he has his own rehab program at his home, calling it Sober Valley Lodge. He said that he doesn't want AA to have anything to do with it, as if AA were going to come knocking and asking to be part of Sober Valley Lodge.

Evidently,  Sheen has cured his own addiction by closing his eyes and making it so with his mind.  He said that he had to unload 22 years of fiction from AA and thought that the Big Book was "a silly book written by a broken-down fool who is a plagiarist."

I was thinking what it would like if the 95% who were still a mess would move on to Sober Valley Lodge and work a recovery program Sheen's way.  That would mean that AA would be filled with those who really have recovery-- a "stick with the winners" group.

I wonder how many alcoholics/addicts really think that Sheen has the answers.  He professes to be so "successful" because he has a super brain, tiger blood, Adonis DNA, and is a "freakin rock star from Mars".  Those who relapse, as he has, are "trolls".

I wish him the best with his recovery.  Maybe his mind and tiger blood and Adonis DNA will be all that he needs.  I wonder if he thinks about what those around him, his family in particular, are thinking.  His father said "We have to love that much more. We have to be that much more present." But sometimes the love becomes worn down and being present becomes more difficult.

I think that if love and being present could help those who have substance abuse problems,  there would be a lot more sober people.  I tried and tried with love and being present, but it didn't make any difference until the alcoholic was ready to admit being powerless over alcohol.  It also meant that I had to admit that I was ready to surrender and needed help with my own insanity.

Fully accepting Step One is the hardest step for so many of us.  It means giving up control over others. I think that is vital for the five percent who have recovered.  Maybe Charlie Sheen will be one of those who gets it.

A gift

Well, things are much better today.  The molecules of dog poop that had attached themselves to my nasal lining were cleaned out in the shower.  I no longer think that I am walking in or smelling poop.  The old dog is eating rice for a couple of days to settle her stomach.  I will also pick up some special dog food for stomach issues.  She can scarf down anything when we aren't looking so she might have eaten something on the beach that caused the diarrhea attack.  She is fine though, wagging her tail and being her happy self.  She and I appreciate your concerns.

Last night I went to my home group meeting.  The topic was about powerlessness (Step One: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable).  It is not coincidence that I hear just what I need when I go to a meeting.  I understand what being powerless means.  I have no control over what others say or do.  And I know rationally that alcoholism will rear its head at any time, even with those who are sober.  It is frustrating that I can still let its effects hurt me. If only for a few seconds/minutes,  when I hear criticism and blame directed at me,  I am momentarily stunned.  And then, if I am using what I have learned in Al-Anon, I can choose not to defend myself or get angry.  I can simply realize that what is going on may not be about me at all. 

I know enough to not believe what I hear. And I know that I'm not powerful enough to cause someone else to drink or make a mess of their life. I don't want to be blamed for someone's behavior. I am not the reason a person drinks, and I'm not the reason that they don't drink. The state of happiness of another is not my job.

But I am to blame if I am miserable. I am to blame if I accept the anger of another and then own it. I am to blame for doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. That's the insanity of my thinking.

So to be reminded of how powerless I am over others at the meeting last night helped me to get the focus back on myself. I thought that the following reading was particularly relevant:

"Many of us learn the value of self-expression in Al-Anon. We discover how we feel and benefit from giving voice to those feelings when it seems appropriate. But there's a difference between expressing ourselves and using words to control others.

Sometimes the only way I can determine whether I'm trying to control someone else or whether I'm simply expressing my feelings is by noticing how many times I say the same thing. If I mention something that is on my mind and then let it go no matter what response I get, I am speaking sincerely. If I repeatedly make similar suggestions or ask prodding questions again and again, I am probably trying to control. If I am satisfied only when the other person responds in a way I consider desirable -- agrees with what I've said or takes my advice -- then I know I've lost my focus." from Courage to Change.

Not reacting to another's anger is truly a gift. There are other gifts too.  When I got home from the meeting last night, there was a surprise waiting for me.  It was in a little box and contained this:

It is a magic little box that allows me to listen to music, download movies, view photos, and do other things right on my HD TV.  I love all things Apple.  My wife knows that.  She had seen me admiring this little gadget and got it for me.  Love, powerlessness, Apple, Al-Anon--what gifts these are.  I experienced them all today. 

The committee at work

I have been rolling along feeling good, not F.I.N.E. but good. That is until yesterday afternoon when I started to obsess over something that happened over the weekend. I caught someone in a lie and even though the lie wasn't about anything significant, it sent me reeling back into a hurtful period of deception and secrets that happened over a month ago.

I have heard the joke in AA: "How can you tell an alcoholic is lying? His lips are moving." I don't find this joke funny. I don't find lying and secrets funny. And I find lack of trust to be not a stumbling block but a Mt. Everest that blocks the way in a relationship.

I used to think that if I explained the traumatic events of living in an alcoholic household and being in an alcoholic marriage, that people would shape up and give up their character defects for my benefit. I would make the people that I let treat me badly, that I let breach my boundaries, and that I let make me crazy into kind, caring, mature, and unselfish people. I would even practice having imaginary conversations with them, complete with their responses to some new slight that I had perceived.

In Al-Anon, I began to see that the responses that I get when I call a person on their shit isn't the one that I imagined, in fact it had no bearing at all sometimes on reality. Instead, I would generally get a response indicating that I was the one at fault, that lying and secrets didn't have to be explained to me, and that I was merely trying to control them by calling them on some behavior that was none of my business.

So yesterday when the committee in my head was talking loudly, I quietly gathered up my things, left the office, and went to my sailboat. As I walked along the dock, I stopped to talk to two fellows that I know. Both were cheerful and glad to see me. That helped to quiet the negativity running through my head. Then when I got to the boat, I pulled some lights out of the dock box and started stringing them on the boat. The snowflakes twinkled as the dusk came and the other lights that ran along the life lines made the boat seem happy. And right then, I had a talk with God and asked him to guide me into right thinking.

And just like that, the committee quieted down. The obsessing that I was doing over the character defect of another left me. And it was replaced with acceptance that people are not going to change because I want them to. The leopard will still have spots. I could then go to the meeting last night, enjoy the sharings, and go for fellowship afterward with a light heart.

I don't want to have Step One moments but am so glad when my belief in a power greater than myself can quiet the obsessive thinking and get me back on a path that is free of mountains of resentment.

Giving advice

I sometimes get phone calls from people in the program who are looking for advice. They need help with something that's going on in their lives.

This morning I got a call from a man who suspects his son is an alcoholic. He had heard from the hostess of a party that the son attended in July that he became drunk and belligerent, yelling insults to his girlfriend in the yard. The father wanted to know whether he should confront his son in order to impress upon him that people are talking about him with regard to a) drinking too much and b) his behavior when drinking.

My first thought was that I don't give advice. This program isn't about giving advice with a bunch of "you should" statements. I have become hyper-vigilant about "shoulding" on others and myself.

I know that I just need to share my E, S, and H. But I couldn't help asking a question: "What do you want to accomplish by telling your son that the hostess was worried (=annoyed) about his behavior?" He replied, "I want to let him know that people are talking about his drinking. This is a small town. Maybe he will be ashamed enough to stop."

Ahh...the shame tactic, I thought. I know that one well. I used to do my best to lay a heavy guilt trip on my wife, whose behavior during her heavy drinking days was sometimes socially askew to put it mildly.

So I shared my experience. My wife and I would go to a social event, she would over indulge. During the worst of times, she would black out, lash out, knock things over and so on. It wasn't a pretty scene. The next day I would be cold as ice in my martyr role. When she would say she was sorry, I would recite all the things that she did the night before. And proceed to tell her how embarrassing it was. And predictably, she would say that she wasn't going to do that ever again. I believed her for a long time. And I kept being hopeful that she would stop.

I told the father that my experience of shaming my wife did nothing to cure her alcoholism. It made her feel awful guilt and shame, but that guilt and shame only furthered what she already was feeling and drank to avoid.

In Al-Anon I've learned that I can't do anything to cure or fix others. I can establish boundaries and not accept unacceptable behavior in order to take care of myself. And I've learned that if something doesn't have my name on it, then I don't pick it up.

The father kept asking if I thought shaming the son would help. I kept saying "It never worked for me."

The program forces no one to do anything. It only reveals itself to us through the literature and through the people who are living it. Anyone who is suffering can decide whether they are willing to stop trying to fix, control, manipulate or shame others and instead do what it takes to get better themselves.

What a huge difference that has made in my life.

Surrender

"Do I realize surrender is not weakness, but strength that will reinforce my courage and confidence?" from Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, page 85

I think that there is a lot of confusion over the concept of surrender. I've not been a person who gave up on anything in life. I doggedly would pursue something that needed doing until I accomplished that goal. Then I would move onto the next project. I was simply not a person who gave up.

But alcoholism was not a project that I could fix. I did my best to pretty it up and make it look like something other than what it was. But eventually it wore me down. I spent so much time and energy thinking about ways to beat it and make some sense of it that I didn't enjoy much about life.

The alcoholic took up every thought. She was what I thought about from the moment that I awoke. I would go through the day with work and yet, there trying to push through everything, were thoughts about the alcoholic. I wanted to make sense of it all--the need to drink, the lack of communication, the hope that love would fix things. But in the end, alcoholism remained as baffling to me as it has for so many.

So ultimately, I came to understand that I was losing myself. I was going down with the ship. That's when I think that I truly understood surrender.

I have read that it's important to distinguish between submission and surrender. I think that I did a lot of submitting. I understood that I wasn't getting though, that my attempts to love my wife out of alcoholism were not going to work. But then another day would come and I would have that feeling that "Today might be the day". I still hadn't gotten to the point of accepting that I wasn't going to beat alcoholism. I was still struggling to win.

In my life and especially in my marriage, I had become as crazy as the alcoholic. I reacted with fear and controlling behaviors in my life and marriage. I was so full of fear and rage that I didn’t see what I was doing.

But when I ran out of options, when I finally had to admit that I was done with struggling, that's when I accepted the reality of alcoholism at a subconscious level. And that feeling of surrender didn't occur until I came to Al-Anon and listened to what so many of you told me: That I could have freedom from anger, fear, and conflict; that I could begin to feel joy and even serenity. I finally learned to accept reality.

The new reality that I learned in the program was that I had a job that I could do, and that was to work on myself. It was not my job to decide when my wife was ready to get sober or begin recovery. It was my job to find out who I was and to work on my recovery.

I don't know why surrender and acceptance are so difficult to comprehend. Maybe it's because I thought that to surrender meant to give in and that it meant I was weak. I've since learned through the program that acceptance means that there are people and things that I can't change. I simply don't have that kind of power to change another. And surrender now means that I am giving up my self-will and letting go of my attempts at control.

"Surrender to the moment. Ride it out and through, for all its worth. Throw yourself into it.

Stop resisting.

So much of our anguish is created when we are in resistance. So much relief, release, and change are possible when we accept, simply accept.

Acceptance turns us into the person we are and want to be. Acceptance empowers the events and circumstances to turn around for the better.

Acceptance does not mean we're giving our approval. It does not mean surrendering to the will and plans of another. It does not mean commitment. It is not forever. It is for the present moment. Acceptance does not make things harder; it makes things easier. Acceptance does not mean we accept abuse or mistreatment; it does not mean we forego boundaries, our hopes, dreams, desires, wants, or ourselves. It means we accept what is, so we know what to do to take care of ourselves and what boundaries we need to set. It means we accept what is and who we are at the moment, so we are free to change and grow.

Acceptance and surrender move us forward on this journey. Force does not work."

from the book The Language of Letting Go

Powerless

I heard just what I needed to hear at my home group meeting last night. My sponsor and I met before the regular meeting and talked about having Step One moments. And then the regular meeting was on Control. God planned the program.

I know rationally that alcoholism will rear its head at any time, even with those who are sober. It is frustrating that I can still let its effects hurt me. When I hear the criticism and blame directed at me, I realize that this is a means to avoid responsibility. It is a mechanism of denial for what the real problems are.

I am a good listener and am willing to inventory my part. But there comes a time when I consider feedback that is laced with anger and resentment to be worthless. If I let my guard down and let myself accept what is said as "truth", then I am lost in a mire of self-pity and my own resentment.

I know enough to not believe what I hear. And I know that I'm not powerful enough to cause someone else to drink or make a mess of their life. I don't want to be blamed for someone's behavior. I am not the reason a person drinks, and I'm not the reason that they don't drink. The state of happiness of another is not my job.

But I am to blame if I am miserable. I am to blame if I accept the anger of another and then own it. I am to blame for doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. That's the insanity of my disease.

So to be reminded of how powerless I am over others at the meeting last night helped me to get the focus back on myself. I thought that the following reading was particularly relevant:

"Many of us learn the value of self-expression in Al-Anon. We discover how we feel and benefit from giving voice to those feelings when it seems appropriate. But there's a difference between expressing ourselves and using words to control others.

Sometimes the only way I can determine whether I'm trying to control someone else or whether I'm simply expressing my feelings is by noticing how many times I say the same thing. If I mention something that is on my mind and then let it go no matter what response I get, I am speaking sincerely. If I repeatedly make similar suggestions or ask prodding questions again and again, I am probably trying to control. If I am satisfied only when the other person responds in a way I consider desirable -- agrees with what I've said or takes my advice -- then I know I've lost my focus." from Courage to Change.

The other Three C's

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.” Dale Carnegie

I was with my qualifier all weekend, either doing something fun or working on a project for the boat. We never used to be able to work on any project together. I either felt criticized for what I was doing, or I was busy taking her inventory and condemning right back.

There were moments when we were discussing the boat project yesterday that I wanted to criticize or offer an opinion in an impatient manner. It's easy to lapse into the old pattern of thinking that I have a quick solution and to not listen to what the other person has to say. When either of us begins to condemn mentally and speak critically, it signifies that I've bought back into the idea that I'm right and my wife is failing my expectations.

But being critical, complaining and condemning is not going to motivate her or anyone else to change. I have learned over the years in a professional capacity that destructive criticism isn't much appreciated. Being critical can evoke feelings of tension, resentment, and hurt. Criticism can cross the line to condemnation that puts a person on the defensive and wounds self-esteem. It isn't a good way to increase morale. And that's because no matter how logical criticism may seem, we humans are not creatures of logic but creatures of emotion.

So I've come to understand that it's better for me to keep my mouth shut rather than to criticize, condemn and complain. That seems to fit with taking full responsibility for my attitude, and I like that as well.

Fortunately, it helps to be involved in a program that tells me not to change what others are doing or thinking. Who am I to tell another that “what you’re doing is wrong”? I may think that I have a better way, but do I?

I've also found that when I am complaining, condemning and criticizing, I'm wanting others to fix a problem without contributing anything myself. I was once in a meeting in which a colleague would repeatedly say, "No, I don't like that idea". He would say this over and over when something would come up on the table for discussion. Yet, he never offered a solution--not once. Eventually, the meeting became more and more unproductive because resentments built, people quit listening, and others felt it was pointless to make any more recommendations that would meet with more criticism.

So, at times like these, in a relationship of any kind, I've found it most helpful to be tactful and open-minded. I can ask for a compromise or that someone consider another viewpoint. And in my marriage, I've learned that if I don't fall back into my fears and remain open to trust, then it's likely that what is said won't be taken as a complaint, condemnation, or criticism and be perceived as just a statement of the problem.

And there's another option as well. I don't have to approve of everything or find a positive side to every situation. I can still say "No thank you" and explain my reasons. I can also write out my complaints in my journal. It seems that setting them down on paper puts things in a different light. And then I don't have to voice them out loud.

Thankfully, we were able to complete the boat project without either of us getting angry. We worked towards the solution and added in a lot of humor as we worked. And in the end, there was a sense of accomplishment, happiness and celebration. Not bad for a day's work.

Darting about

"Truth is an arrow and the gate is narrow that it passes through". Bob Dylan

“Wit is a treacherous dart. It is perhaps the only weapon with which it is possible to stab oneself in one's own back.” Geoffrey Bocca

Shadow and Inky gave me the Premio Dardos (Top Dart) award. Now, don't get the letters confused on the second part of that name. It clearly says Dart. And it's an award for those that "transmit cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values with each message they write". Wow--that's a lot of good stuff to consider when writing posts. I just like to think that I transmit what's on my mind.

Anyway, I appreciate being considered as a Top Dart. Maybe this means that my aim is sharp, straight and true. That would be a good thing.

I'm also darting about a bit on this Friday. Here are some things that I'm thinking today:

• That this program and what it's done for me have put some great people in my life.
  
• I'm going to meet with two of them today, both sponsees.
  
• These sponsees are both on Step One which is an essential one to understand.
  
• Being powerless doesn't mean that I can take my power back anytime I want.
  
• I'm glad that I was awake and coherent enough to talk with someone from the program who called me late last night with some heavy stuff on their mind.
  
• That a fellow blogger who had a bad slip a few days ago is still thinking that he's in charge
• That it's easy for the alcoholic in my life to take back her will and drink.
  
• It's a fine line that we each walk between grace and destruction.
  

Have a good day out there.

First Foot

I like all these customs that involve a little bit of superstition. I wouldn't think about not having Hoppin' John and collard greens on New Year's Day. The collards are really smelly though and require an airing out of the house after they are cooked. Otherwise, it smells like a barnyard or something worse.

I also like the old traditions like First Footing. In British folk lore, the first foot is the first person to cross the threshold of a home on New Year's Day and is a bringer of good fortune for the coming year.

Although it is acceptable in many places for the first-footer to be a resident of the house, they must not be in the house at the stroke of midnight in order to first-foot (thus going out of the house after midnight and then coming back in to the same house is not considered to be first-footing). The first-foot is traditionally a tall, dark-haired male; a female or fair-haired male are in some places regarded as unlucky.

The first-foot usually brings several gifts, including perhaps a coin, bread, salt, coal, or a drink which respectively represent financial prosperity, food, flavor, warmth, and good cheer. Did you have a first footer at your house?

I think that we messed this up on New Year's Day as I left the house and came back in after midnight. Maybe that's why yesterday, the bad luck started with the internet going out at home. I decided to install a new more powerful router and in the process discovered that the phone jacks weren't active in area where I wanted to install it. So I missed everyone's blogs yesterday and am just now catching up.

All else is going well. And after a few electronic tweaks, the internet is up and going.

Superstitions aside, I'm ever mindful of my powerlessness over people, places and things. Looking forward to this second day of 2009 and all that it has to bring.

Running

I’ve been to meetings lately where there have been quite a few newcomers. They are in a lot of pain from living with an active alcoholic.

At last night’s meeting there was a young lady there whose boyfriend had left her on Friday. As she described it, he left and hasn’t contacted her since. She has called him numerous times but he doesn’t answer his cell phone. She said that she wants to know why—Why did he leave without saying goodbye? Why did he tell her he loved her and then leave? Why won’t he answer his phone and talk to her?

These are questions that many of us have asked at one time or another. After the meeting, all we could offer to her was that he is probably using and absorbed in his addiction. We tried to assure her that it’s not her fault. And we gave her phone numbers and took hers to offer our E, S, and H.

This girl is so young to be feeling sad and hopeless. I think about her having so much to look forward to, but she has become involved with a person who cares more about himself and his drugs/booze than about her. Hopefully, she’ll be able to understand more about how powerless she is over another person. I hope that she keeps coming back.

Just Do It

I was so tired last night that I didn't go to the 8 PM Al-Anon meeting but opted to go to bed. I generally meet with two sponsees starting at 6 PM until meeting time. Since I hadn't heard from either of them, I decided to just go home.

The one fellow hasn't contacted me since last Friday. I called him on Monday evening but haven't heard anything. The other sponsee called last night and said that he was avoiding having to work on the written part of Step One that looks at past and present behavior. My thoughts are that avoiding the work just prolongs the pain. So I told him to think about the Nike commercial that says, "Just Do It".

Going back over past events in relation to alcohol can be painful. But I found that if I didn't look at my past and current reactions to the alcoholic, I would be repeating those behaviors without changing. Yesterday's reading in Courage to Change pretty much sums up why it's important to look back at my past:
"There can be great value in examining the past. It can offer information about the present, as well as clues that might help us make changes for a better future......

Still, it is important to remember that the past is over. We are powerless over what has gone before. Although we can take steps to make amends, we cannot change the fact that we have harmed others. And we cannot change the fact that others have harmed us. We have only the power to change this present day."

Getting Honest

I'm up and heading out the door to the District meeting this morning. I didn't sleep too well and didn't want to get up. I've ruminated some about a tough discussion with a sponsee last night.

He's stalled out on the Step One questions that basically get at his story. The questions are those that I posted here. He said that he felt disgusting and unredeemable after answering a few of them.

I know that getting honest is tough stuff. It's hard for many reasons--not wanting to face the pain, not wanting to get rid of the pain, not wanting anyone to know about the pain. But the pain was what I didn't want to own anymore. It was what was dragging me down. It helped me to get things out that were painful and to acknowledge that I was human.

So I've asked him to answer what he can. And to start working on questions from one of the Al-Anon Step books. And to write out his story as much as possible. I'm there to be a guide and an ear. And to share what worked for me. And his HP is there to forgive him and love him no matter what.

I know that half measures do not work. Nothing short of an honest, wholehearted commitment to the program will help in recovery.
"The spiritual life of this program is based upon experience. What we feel, what we see and hear, is what we know. When we simplify our lives and base the truth upon our experiences, we slowly cleanse ourselves of the lies we told ourselves. With this kind of honesty comes an inner peace with ourselves in whom we can say, "I know myself." " From Touchstones

Spontaneity

Spontaneity is the quality of being able to do something just because you feel like it at the moment, of trusting your instincts, of taking yourself by surprise and snatching from the clutches of your well-organized routine a bit of unscheduled pleasure. --Richard Lannelli

I have been a creature of habit for most of my life. I think that having responsibilities and striving for perfection took away a lot of my spontaneity. I didn't drink to excess because I didn't want to lose control. I didn't venture forth to uncharted territory because it seemed unsure. And when I did let go, I felt some guilt for having had a "good" time. I learned to associate spontaneity with compulsive, self destructive, and irresponsible behavior. It is classic stuff for a co-dependent who has learned to be safe by being right, strong, and in control.

Since being in Al-Anon, I've learned that being spontaneous is a lot of fun. I don't have to be what others want me to be but can express who I am without fear.

Now I have a sponsee who reminds me of how restricting perfection can be. He has lived a life with little spontaneity. He's a list maker, a scheduler, and a perfectionist. It's as if I'm looking at myself from the not so distant past. And I see the fear in his eyes and the frown on his face when he talks about losses he has experienced. He is a young man who hasn't allowed himself much freedom of expression.

I've learned that I had nothing to lose by being spontaneous but a lot to gain. By trying new things, I've grown in confidence, self-awareness and self-esteem. It would have been safe to just sit on the sidelines and watch the game of life play out, but I didn't want to be safe anymore. I wanted to play more and place more stock in myself, in my ability to do things that I had never done.

My sponsee wants to live a full life. He talks about the loneliness. I hear him loud and clear. By letting go of the control, I've been able to achieve more intimacy in my relationships. I trust myself more than before and I'm not afraid to express my vulnerabilities. To be spontaneous allows me to be engaged in the present.

So I'm going to encourage this young man to lighten up. As we go through Step One, I'm going to share my experience that it's okay to make a mistake, to have imperfections, and to be vulnerable. I think that he'll eventually enjoy who he is and what life has to offer.

Is my life unmanageable?

I met with my first sponsee last night to begin discussion on Step One. I can see myself in much of what he talks about. I think that he is very bright and knows more about the program than I did when I came in. I shared with him the materials that were provided to me for working Step One.

One is the list of questions that I've put below. These questions helped me to see where I am and to instill in me that I need to have rigorous honesty in my answers. I thought that some of you might want to use it in your own recovery.

1. Do I constantly seek approval and affirmation?

2. Do I fail to recognize or believe my accomplishments?

3. Do I fear criticism?

4. Do I overextend myself?

5. Have I had problems with my own compulsive behavior?

6. Do I have a need for perfection?

7. Am I uneasy when my life is going smoothly, continually anticipating problems?

8. Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

9. Do I still feel responsible for others, as I did for the problem drinker in my life?

10. Do I care for others easily, yet find it difficult to care for myself?

11. Do I isolate myself from other people?

12. Do I respond with anxiety or hostility to authority figures and angry people?

13. Do I feel that individuals and society in general are taking advantage of me?

14. Do I have trouble with intimate relationships?

15. Do I confuse pity with love, as I did with the problem drinker?

16. Do I attract and seek people who tend to be compulsive?

17. Do I cling to relationships because I am afraid of being alone?

18. Do I often mistrust my own feelings and the feelings expressed by others?

19. Do I find it difficult to express by emotions?

20. Am I attracted to people who have lots of problems I think I can fix?

Pleasing everyone?

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, What a shame, he makes that little boy walk. They then decided they both would walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the
river and drowned.

The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

The parable is funny but it also hits close to home. I spent most of my life trying to please others. It never worked, and I would always be filled with resentment when my "good" deeds would go unnoticed or be glossed over. The people pleasing behavior is one of those things that children of alcoholics do well.

I guess that it's not unusual to want to be liked or to please the people that we love or who are important to us. When I was growing up, people pleasing was part of what my parents expected since they were big on manners and diplomacy. But somewhere along the way, I got hooked on this behavior and had this love/hate relationship with being liked.

I knew that I didn't fit in but that would only make me try harder to do so. When I would fail in my attempts at fitting in, I would be angry for a while and then I would redouble my efforts to please because the fact that I failed was due to my inability to effectively please others. It was a vicious circle of anger, self-loathing, and unhappiness.

I don't know whether I ended up sacrificing my entire personality for others but I came pretty close to losing myself. What probably saved me is becoming beaten down to the point that I no longer wanted to please anyone, not even myself. I just gave up which is what brought me to Al-Anon. I finally realized that my way wasn't working and that I had no control over anyone or anything.

I'd like to say that I no longer want to please. But there are times when I'm around the people that I love that I know I'm willing to do favors, help out, or go the extra mile. I have to stop myself from taking over someone's responsibilities. I have to keep my mouth shut and mind my own business. Even if it means the other person falls flat.

I now know that my friendship and love is enough. I don't have to give gifts all the time or take people places or do any of the other things that I would do whether I really wanted to or not. I realize that I deserve to have friends and healthy relationships. And I don't have to volunteer for things at work because others look to me to take up the slack. I can just say NO.

In West Virginia

Today was the first full day of my meeting in WV. The weather here is warmer than usual. But the scenery is awesome. The leaves along the campus are fantastic. I really miss the deciduous trees that put on such a show of color. Where I live, the few trees that turn color do so in November and December but there isn't the diversity of deciduous trees that there is here.

I listened to some great talks on global climate change today. The facts are overwhelming that the planet is in real trouble from carbon dioxide emissions. The rise in sea surface temperature is already causing problems and the bad news is that even if everything is rectified immediately, we won't see a response for at least 50-75 years. Someone asked the speakers how they were able to get up in the morning and continue to go forward--what self-help group did they belong to? I couldn't help but smile and think that there are some things that I can change and there are others that I just have to let go. Sure, I can change what I do as an individual to conserve and be environmentally aware, and I can work at the job that I do to make others aware and provide scientific data, but in the long run, I can't change the world. To think of that is too overwhelming. I just keep thinking of Step One and the Serenity Prayer. And do my part to change the things that I can.

Sad to see

Today, at a meeting a nicely dressed woman showed up drunk. She is a designer who has been coming to meetings for a while. She had been out partying and was completely messed up, laughing and generally making a lot of commotion. A couple of guys got her quieted down so that the meeting could continue. Later she picked up a white chip, still drunk.

I know what this does to me. It creates a gut-wrenching reaction. I have to force myself not to move. My eyes tell me that this isn't anyone that I know but my heart tells me that this is a person who is in a lot of pain and who is causing a lot of pain. It seems so ironic to have a drunk person show up at an AA meeting. But I would guess that's the best place for anyone drunk to be because they are with people who know how to deal with the situation.

I don't know how to deal with the situation so I just sit and concentrate on not bolting. I stay put and get through the meeting and then can't wait to leave. All the way on the drive back to my office, I'm thinking about the nightmare of that woman's life. And the nightmare of those who love her. It's hard to get the image out of my head. It's hard not to imagine a different face being drunk and out of control. It's hard not to look back.

Never miss an opportunity

I was listening to a speaker last night describe how hard it is to keep the focus on himself. He has two adult sons who are addicts. He said that it's hard for him to keep quiet around them because he wants them to get a sponsor, work the steps and read literature, and do all the other things in order to keep them from relapsing. In short, he said that he has a hard time just keeping quiet. He wants so badly for them to stay in AA and do everything possible to stay clean.

It was an interesting discussion because I've done what he has done: made suggestions to my SO about working the steps or going to more meetings. It came across really badly every time that I tried to make suggestions, largely because I was trying to work her program for her. Finally, after I was met with less than happy comments back, I decided that how someone works their program isn't any of my business. I can only work mine and work on me.

Knowing that I'm powerless over what someone else does helps me keep the focus on myself. I've also felt the resentment boiling in the other person when I've made "helpful" (read controlling) suggestions. Resentment is a dangerous thing and can lead to any number of problems in a relationship and with recovery. One of the best take home messages that I came away with from the meeting was the following: "Never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut".