Crammed week

This is a brief post to let you know that I am currently in radar class at Sea School until Wednesday.  It is new to me,  and the plots are a challenge.  For the first time, I feel like quitting because I am tired.  But I know that I will stick it out. Whether I do well or not is okay.  I don't want to start quitting something now after so many years of not doing that.  

I also leave for an Al-Anon convention on Thursday.  I can't even think about that now because I am occupied with the radar class.  I will think more about what I have committed to do at the convention on Thursday.  

And finally, there is now talk among the doctors and nurses at the nursing home to have Pop be part of the Hospice program.  He has declined a lot since visiting my MIL.  The head nurse thinks that he has given up.  The staff were taking him to meals with the other residents because he needed help feeding himself.  They took him for a few days until he went into a rage and raked the dishes to the floor and pulled the tablecloth from the table. He was then taken back to his room.  Since then, he hasn't been very responsive.  

My wife and I are doing well, coping with all of this.  I will be glad to have a less crammed time and less drama.  I think that the Al-Anon convention will be a big help with that.  Now to just get through another day of school...... 

Life changing paths

I am back at home after several days of sailing, yoga and food cleansing.  Your comments were true about it being outside of my comfort zone.  But the great thing is that I did get comfortable with the whole thing, participated in all aspects of the retreat, including yoga.  I drank the juices and ate the food.  And at the end, we all exchanged phone numbers and emails.

I'm not sure that I'll do this again simply because I may not be the best person for the job.  I know that I have a young outlook, feel young in my spirit, but dang--my back has been giving me a fit since I got back.  I am not as limber as I once was I guess!  I liked the comment that maybe my thing would be to have a science and sailing retreat.  Somehow that feels more like me.

I did commit to the 21 day cleansing diet which means that I give up eggs, wheat, sugar, peanuts, dairy, soy, and and corn.  I don't feel hungry which is good, nor do I want to rush out and eat a pizza.  And I have been doing the yoga poses for an hour each morning.  My wife smiles at me and continues to have her coffee and normal heart healthy food.  I also detected a bit of a smirk when I had trouble getting up from a chair this morning!

I think that it's a good idea to be open to new things.  I've learned in Al-Anon that I can work through the discomfort of being in a group where I am the student.  After all, one of the hardest things that I ever did was to walk through the door of my first meeting and say that I was there because I needed help.  Just mustering up the courage to go to a meeting, pick a sponsor, and trust that person enough to guide me through the steps was revolutionary in changing my life.  Maybe this is another path to be on that will also be life changing.

May the long time sun shine upon you

All love surround you

And the pure light that’s within you

Guide your way on

Commitments to the moment

I have a couple of things on my agenda over the next two weeks.  One is a meeting today to become an advisor for a local non-profit group that is conducting a study of water quality in the Harbor.  I don't have any idea what the work load will be so I want to find out more before I formally accept.

I have to say that I'm enjoying the freedom of not having too many commitments. I generally go to three Al-Anon meetings a week, meet with a couple of sponsees,  workout with a personal trainer twice a week,  and go to a couple of sailing club meetings a month.  I have freed my schedule so that a couple of days a week, I don't leave the property.  It feels good to not have "must do" things hanging over my head.  Sailing and visiting the parents-in-law are things that I do, but without a set schedule.  So, I am cautious about taking on more things.

A major commitment that I have made is to attend Sea School in June so that I may obtain my Captain's license.  I have been prepping for this through other courses over the past couple of years, and now it's time to do the final preparation to take the Coast Guard exam.  This will involve three intense weekends back to back, Friday through Sunday, and will include an upgrade to Master.  I have no idea what I will use the license for as the idea of chartering my sailboat is not something that I want to do.  But that may change at some point.  I know that doing eco-tours is something I enjoy, but dealing with the public on my boat feels like a serenity breaker.

Lately, I've been thinking about commitment with sponsoring.  I called a few fellows I took through the steps and made plans to meet up with one of them next week for lunch. I hear from two others on a regular basis and am working through the steps with another one every Tuesday.  I haven't heard from a couple of the others for months. I know that they still attend meetings, but I no longer feel connected to what they are doing.  A friend suggested that without regular contact,  I am no longer their sponsor.  I don't have hard rules about their calling me on a regular basis.  But I would still like to be connected to them.  So I have called each person.  The rest is not up to me.

Also, I haven't had face to face time with my local sponsor in a couple of months.  He emails and we occasionally talk on the phone. I feel disconnected there as well.  I don't think there is a substitute for having face to face time.  I talk to my original sponsor weekly.  He is adjusting to life on the other coast.  I know that no matter what, I can pick up the phone and give him a call, and he will listen to what I have to say.

Perhaps, the first experience with a sponsor is the one that sticks and is the yardstick for all others.  I don't know, but I often long for those times when we would read and study the steps together.  I feel like I am on my own now.  Yet, I know that there are friends in program I can talk to.  Somehow, it just isn't the same as having a sponsor who knows all about me.

I have often longed for the way things used to be--fresh starts, beginnings in relationships and knowledge.  I see such sentiment as the melancholy part of my personality that doesn't like changes that involve loss.  But I know the solution is to be in this day and this moment.  And to take action that will be positive and progressive.  Every day can be a fresh start.

Passing it along

The lunch with my former staff yesterday was delightful.  We talked about old times, new times, and even talked some science.  I find it humorous that they are still caught up in the drama of the work place--who was let go, who is getting married, who has been promoted, etc.

But much of the focus was on budget cuts and what that was doing to various projects and filling of positions. Basically, the lab's budget is the same this year as it was when the place was started back in the early 1970's.  Most of the staff are funded on grants now, but even some of those that have been around for a long time are in jeopardy.  Yet, they were amazingly upbeat and enthusiastic about what they do.  One lady looked at me and said, "You taught me how to be the best at what I did. And when we thought that we couldn't add any more work, you would encourage us to dig deeper and do more."

Well, yes, I guess that is what I did.  I told them that they were the best and meant it.  And they would tell me when I would go off to a national meeting to not get any more ideas about interesting projects.  But then, I would come back and tell them about something I thought we needed to work on, so we would brainstorm, write a proposal and submit it.  Now, it's harder and harder to get funding.  But all of them are still employed and doing good work.

I was told by one staff member that I taught him to "grow up, work hard, and strive for excellence".  He was the fellow that I took aside one day when he got on the research vessel half-looped.  I told him to drink coffee, sober up, and grow up because he had a 24 hour shift to pull with me, and I needed him.  He is now a computer programmer pulling down six figures, married, and has a little girl who he adores.

The Al-Anon program tells me to practice the principles (steps) in all my affairs.  Maybe I was doing some of that already before I got into program.  It seems that willingness, fairness, honesty, and caring can be instilled within each of us early in life.  It takes awareness to be able to make the best use of these characteristics and maintain them through time, and hopefully pass some of them on to others.

Little Cat's Feet

We had another nice day on the water.  The fog was thick this morning when we left the boat landing.  The world was grey, soft and had an ancient feeling.  It's not hard to imagine what it must have been like to look at a coast line and not see any homes.  The fog does that--it has a way of hiding a lot of things. Later in the morning, the sun began to burn off the fog and the shoreline was, once again, obvious.

We caught a few fish, enjoyed being on the water, and headed back to the landing just as an evening fog bank was rolling in from the ocean.  After cleaning up the boat,  we both were tired.  I feel as if I have been steam rolled from the sun, the wind, the fishing.

I did head to a friend's house to help him with some calculations that he was having difficulty with on the Captain's exam.  He is a non-linear thinker with ADD.  Even the most simple math problems throw him into a panic.  I helped him to work through the problems, although I don't think that he understands much of what we did.  He has a dream to get a 200 ton license, yet I don't think that he will be able to pass the test on navigation problems.

What do you do when the thing that you want to achieve is beyond your grasp?  I think that he knows this, but says that he wants his life to account for something.  Most of the early years were spent being drunk.  And now, he has a dream to be a success at something.

My mother used to say that it was important "to cut the garment according to the cloth".  When I was a kid, I didn't know what this meant.  But as I grew older and wiser, I knew that it was a metaphor for having realistic resources before undertaking a task.  I hate to see someone try so hard but not succeed because they lack the educational background to pass the exam.

Dreams are important and keep us moving forward.  Perhaps we don't always succeed in making our dreams become reality.  I have had to settle in this life for something less than what I set out to attain.  It is a disappointment but something that I got over.  I hope that my friend will realize that he is still worth a lot regardless of whether he passes to get the license he wants or has to settle for a lesser license.  There comes a point that it is time to fold the tents and move on.

Here is what Rumi has to say:

Outside, the freezing desert night.

This other night inside grows warm, kindling.

Let the landscape be covered with thorny crust.

We have a soft garden in here.

The continents blasted,

cities and little towns, everything

become a scorched, blackened ball.

The news we hear is full of grief for that future, 

 but the real news inside here

is there's no news at all.

I believe that in the chaotic world that often makes no sense, the real news is inside here, and there is no news. It reminds me of what I heard recently that the soul does not wish to move; the soul wishes to be at rest. The soul doesn't need to accomplish anything.  But the ego and society pull us away from being rested into chaos.  If we all truly lived in the no-news inside,  I believe the affect on the outside world would be one of tremendous peace.

Staying or going?

Every time I read a blog post about how bad a living situation is and how much they hate their alcoholic spouse,  I feel this rush of anger and want to write: "Get help or get out".  It takes a few moments before I remember that I was one of those who felt trapped, lost and hopeless.  I stayed for years in the unmanageability of the disease.

There are as many scenarios for staying as there are for leaving.  We stay in so much pain because we don't feel that we deserve anything better.  And the pain we know is better than the pain that we aren't familiar with in the world away from alcoholism.  Staying is sometimes about hope--hoping for the one we love to get sober and be the person that we thought they once were.  Staying can be about fear--fear that things won't really be any different when we leave, knowing that the grass isn't always greener.  Fear of financial insecurity is another reason to stay--not having a place to go or any means to afford a separate life.  Staying can also be about commitment--not wanting to give up on a marriage or relationship even in the face of emotional and sometimes physical pain.

Leaving goes against the psyche of a co-dependent.  But at some point, people reach a limit to what they can stand.  If there are children involved, then a whole other dimension of complexity is added.  Remembering that alcoholism affects the entire family means that there will be repercussions for the children who are raised in an alcoholic home.  Those repercussions will echo throughout the lives of those affected by alcoholism.  Whether there is physical or emotional abuse, it is especially hard on children who stay in an alcoholic home.

Sticking with the pain is something that is foreign to me today.  I have seen the other side where there is joy and peace.  But I do understand the reasons for staying.  I am glad that we didn't give up on each other before the miracle of recovery happened.

What were your choices when it came to staying or going?

Choices are the hinges of destiny. ~ Pythagoras 

Throwing away

Life has settled down once again.  My father-in-law was discharged and so the elderly couple are reunited.  They have managed to make it through so many years of marriage for reasons that few can comprehend.  Their vow of "until death do us part" is one that they practice.

I suppose that I feel the same way.  Maybe it is the co-dependent in me who is not willing to toss away another person when the going gets rough.  Although I was walking out the door due to being fed up with alcoholism, I know that in my heart, I was being torn apart.  I loved another, not because of vows or legalities, but because I truly loved this person that I married.  I knew her worth underneath the alcoholic demeanor.  I knew that she was a good person through and through.  Difficult, sad, stubborn--but still filled with goodness.  I used to tell people that she is the best person I know.  I believe that still.

We are a society that throws away people and things that we no longer want.  We give up way too easily.  Few want to dig deep within themselves to look for solutions.  Thankfully,  I have found a great deal of inner strength in Al-Anon.  I am a solution oriented thinker.  I don't throw away people or animals.  I need to throw away some things in the house but instead I take them to Good Will or give them to the nearby church who finds a way to distribute them to those in need.

I am glad to not be too quick to cast off lines but to contemplate the wind and the current to see how the boat will move away from her slip.  Life is like that.  I don't cast off lines easily.  I weigh circumstances, seek solutions, search within for forgiveness, and realize that each of us is so imperfect.

Curious about living

Not a lot happening here.  The heat index is around 110 F, but the breeze on the water helps a lot.  Last night, it was actually comfortable sleeping on the boat which does not have any AC.  We went to eat sushi which was excellent, and got groceries for the rest of the weekend on the boat.  It is a treat to go out to eat a couple of times a week.  I know that we could save a lot of money if we didn't, but it is just a special treat that we both enjoy.

Today I heard that Amy Winehouse died.  Another young person dead before getting to really live much of life.  Or at least not enough of life for me.  When I was 27, I was finishing up my Ph.D. and totally immersed in my work.  I didn't have time to think about much else.  We were just married and both of us were so busy.  I realized that there was so much more to do in life than what I was doing at the time. But I had a goal and persevered with school and work to see so many really cool things. 

I am grateful that we both have lived to be here today.  Maybe some people are just tired of living.  I am not.  I hope to still have a zest for life no matter what my age or state of health.  I am still curious about what is to come. 

Wishing you a good Saturday and endless curiosity about living. 

Jump start my spirit

I feel as if I need something to jump start my spirit today.  I haven't been to a meeting this week due to being on the road.   I had set up three meetings with sponsees yesterday and today, but each one of them has canceled.  And I feel a bit lost about this.  You see, I get a lot of my recovery from working with others. It is as mutualistic a relationship as the bee with the flower: the flower gets its pollen passed to another flower and the bee gets a food reward from nectar.  Somehow my spirit thrives when there is such "cross pollinating" with others in the program. 

I talked to each of the sponsees.  Life is going on for them just as it has for me this week.  One canceled due to concentrating on a daughter's graduation, one canceled because he needed to rest,  another canceled because of another event that came up.  I talked to another sponsee who was taking his dad to an appointment.  He said that he would call back but hasn't.  And another sponsee hasn't called in two weeks.

I called my sponsor this morning to check up on him and chat.  It is almost a daily thing for me.  We connect, talk about things, share what is going on and then go about our day.  But there is a connection.  I'm not sure how the connection broke down this week with my sponsees.  Yep, I was out of town but only heard from them to cancel.  Maybe they are doing great.  I hope so.  I simply have to let them go about their business.

I also received an admonishing email from an old colleague who thought that C and I must go to Virginia to a memorial service this weekend for another colleague who died a couple of months ago.  The email stated that being the best friend of the deceased (J.), he knew that J. would want us there.  He wrote:
"I would have gone to India for J.'s memorial, but then he really was my best friend, and you rarely get one of those.  Can you believe there will be 300 people there?  Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain.  It’s not something you learned in school. But if you haven’t  learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything."

Maybe this was designed to instill guilt, maybe to control and manipulate, or maybe it was purely about his losing his best friend.  I don't know but decided that the lecture on friendship was really a bit much.  We both talked to J. before he died.  He is gone now.  I can just as well remember him the way that he once was.  In fact, I much prefer that. Besides, I doubt if J. really cares at this point how many people are there or whether we are. The spirit world is much more forgiving than the world of the living. 

As for a renewal of my spirit, I'm going to go out on the boat this weekend.  No surprise there. It's going to be hot but a decent breeze.  I will not spend too much time musing on sponsee commitments, guilt trips, or other matters that I am powerless over.  In fact, I can feel my spirits lift after writing this down.  Thanks for reading.

Turning the brain upside down

I am feeling particularly "unpostworthy" today.  It's not that I'm feeling bad or down on myself.  I just feel quiet, a bit tired, and not much like writing. 

But there is something that is on my mind so I will write about it.  I talked to my cousin's wife this morning.  My cousin, who I have written about before on this blog, has a brain tumor, glioblastoma multiforme Stage IV to be exact.  He and I grew up together, played together, and have remained close over the years.

The brain tumor was diagnosed not long after he retired.  He noticed his golf game was off one day and then in another week found out that he had the worst diagnosis that one could expect when it comes to brain tumors.  He underwent surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy.  He has been on a lot of medications.  The upshot of it all is that he is alive, but his cognitive skills were compromised. He cannot walk without help, has rages that alternate with quiet, has difficulty reading and with forming sentences. 

His wife has become his savior.  She has taken care of him, watched over his therapy and care with great tenacity.  She has a spiritual side that is uncompromising.  I believe that without her energetic input his quality of life would be much less.  Perhaps he would not even be alive.

But she also says many things that I find to be strange.  She believes that dead neurosurgeons are living in his brain and are helping to cure him. This morning she told me that my cousin's mood had improved greatly since the dead surgeons took his brain, turned it upside down and shook it.  I resist rolling my eyes as I'm listening on the phone.  I keep quiet and listen but not without judgment.  I have to remind myself that he would likely be dead without her. 

And now her mother who is 92 has suffered a stroke.  She will be taking care of her as well when the mother gets out of the hospital today.  I do not believe that I would want to do all of this that she is doing.  I think that I would become a hostile martyr.  Perhaps this is just another example of my own selfishness. I know that I have great compassion for those who are caregivers for loved ones.  But knowing how much self-sacrifice is involved and how her every moment revolves around my cousin, and now her mother, seems totally stifling to me. I am awed by her unwavering commitment which I am afraid that I may not have.