This is an honest program

All the talk on news shows about racism has made me examine my own thoughts on the subject. I have always considered myself to be open minded and yes...liberal in my ideas. I like to think that I don't judge people and have great compassion for others.

But this is an honest program. And in doing an inventory of myself last night, I realize that there are some elements of racism within myself. And that I do have some judgmental thoughts. These are not thoughts of hatred or dislike but thoughts that come up almost as a reflex when I see an interracial couple, or young men with baggy pants hanging out on street corners. These same thoughts of judgment come up when I see a morbidly obese person. And yes, when I see two men kissing there is a bit of feeling uncomfortable. I don't like this about myself. So I decided to look deeper at some of the reasons.

I suppose the overriding factor is that I have been exposed to the stereotyping of others. I grew up in the South where there were lots of racial tensions. I believe that the element of fearing those who are different from me and viewing them in a "less than" way was something that I heard a lot about on TV, in schools, and even in the church. It's almost as if there is a hypocritical thought process that occurs--yes, you are my equal but only up to a point.

The south that I grew up in and inhabit today continues to hold up white America and its cultural values as the right, good, and ideal. I hear it all around me, not overtly, but with insidious overtones. I think that being self-righteous is dangerous. It is designed to create discontent and can lead to making people feel that they are "less than". I know because I have felt "less than" over many years. And that is why I developed an attitude of self-hatred as well.

Thankfully, I know in my mind and heart that no race is superior to another because superiority amongst any race, culture, gender, class or even individual doesn't exist. We are all God's children and we are one species Homo sapiens. But there are differences in culture, religion, artistic expression, and a host of other attributes that make us who we are. I find that when I accept the differences, embrace them, and am in awe of them my judgments disappear.

Just as I don't sit around and contemplate whether the oak is more beautiful than the maple or the lion more powerful than the tiger, I realize that there is much good that comes from having diversity in nature and in our cultures. I don't fear diversity in nature, in fact I find it fascinating. I realize that the differences amongst us humans teach me much more than if we all had the same thoughts, ideals, intellect, and culture.

So my self-realization and inventory showed me that I need to continue to work on accepting and not judging. I do know that if I let fear, ignorance and hate separate me from others, I am not practicing the principles of the program in my life. It is only by embracing others with open mindedness that I'll be able to garner the appreciation, respect, and awe for not only the differences that exist among us but also for the uniqueness that exists in myself.

Mean what you say, say what you mean but don't say it mean

I watched the President's speech last night. I am interested in what he has to say. I am interested in the reactions of those in Congress. I am curious as to whether the two parties will be able to come together for the good of the nation. The divide lately seems as big as the Grand Canyon.

But that's not what I wanted to write about. I am writing about the elected official from this state who shouted out, "You lie" after a remark by the President. It appears that Rep. Joe Wilson shouted this out in an emotional moment. He has since apologized for his outburst.

I guess everyone who is in politics has to develop tough skin. Things can't be taken personally. And I've found over the course of being in a career that can have its controversial moments, the natural reaction is to react when something is said that goes against core beliefs. And in dealing with alcoholism, I've found that reaction was how I lived every day. I often felt misinterpreted, misunderstood, and reacted because I felt the need to take a defensive posture. That is how it used to be and for many still is the primary reaction.

So I thought about Rep. Wilson's inappropriate and rude reaction. He obviously feels passionate about the health care issue. But I am reminded of what we say in Al-Anon which is to "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean."

Often I've used the wrong words in the heat of the moment. I haven't really said what I meant at all. I wish that I could take back those words that came out of my mouth. I clearly needed to learn to mean what I say.

I have learned to reflect on the intent of what I say. I like the idea of believing in what I am saying enough so that the true message will be clear. If I don't really believe in what I'm saying at the moment and I'm just caught up in some drama, then I need to hold my tongue. The right moment will come in time. I'm sure that Mr. Wilson is reflecting on the idea of restraint of tongue (and pen) today.

And finally there's the key which is to not say something mean. I have looked back after an outburst and wished that I could take back the words that were said. Now I can THINK about what I'm going to say and not bypass reason in order to deliver a knock out punch with words.

So yes, I can be passionate in my beliefs, and yet I don't have to personally attack anyone, even if there are major differences. I have found a much more effective way to communicate. And maybe the other person will see my side of things or even admit that there is more than one viewpoint, if I am clear in what I say, reflect on what I am about to say, and say it without vengeance or rancor. I think that offers more in the way of reconciling differences.

"The man we feel most self-righteous toward may be the man we could learn the most from. When we stop focusing on him, we may notice he touches our most sensitive area. We're all creatures of God and equals in God's sight. The ways we create inequality are the ways we fall short of God's wisdom." Thought for the Day

Tradition Ten: Outside issues

The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

The principle for this tradition is clarity of purpose. And along with this tradition, members learn to be unbiased, avoid controversy, and have humility.

This means that my view on any given subject can and may differ from that of any member of the group. Our differing views do not change our equality, nor do we need to convince anyone that our view is the right one, particularly in a meeting or public forum.

Meeting are a place where the focus is on my experience using the steps and traditions. They aren't a place for me to take a stand on politics, religion, or any outside subjects. Meetings are a place where we join together with individuals that we might not agree with outside of the program.

I have found that I need to practice this principle when I work with sponsees. I need only share my experience and not voice my opinion or be influenced by any preconceived notions that I may have. Doing this can be a spiritual challenge.

As Al-Anon's preamble to the twelve steps and traditions says, "Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization or institution. It does not engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any cause. If this tradition is followed, it works to keep the fellowship as a whole from engaging in public controversy, but the principal can also be applied to "all the affairs" of individual members.

Within the context of relationships, I believe this means that I'm careful about my opinions and rely on "live and let live". I do my best to avoid heated controversy. For example, if Al-Anon members apply this tradition to their lives then someone else's recovery -- or more importantly, lack of recovery -- becomes an outside issue, allowing them to "detach" from the problems of others and focus on their own recovery process.

I know that I've had many opinions over the years. In fact, I can be quite opinionated about things that I'm passionate about. And it's easy to have my opinions move into taking a self-righteous stand. This tradition is important because it reminds me that I don't have to be worked up over the opinion of another.

One of the things that I've heard in the fellowship is "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy". If I carry my point about my "right" opinion, it doesn't make other people happy and generally makes me feel badly.

Oh sure, I could do a lot of work on a topic and try to convince someone else that my way is the right way based on the facts I've gathered. That's kind of what we do in science! But in the program, I don't need to defend myself to prove that I'm right. I can just let it be. I heard some wise words: " if I'm right, it doesn't need defending; if I'm wrong, it can't be defended, and in either case, the only defense I ever need is God's."

Chicken soup

We drove back yesterday from Florida. It was pouring rain most of the way. Near Orlando the rain and wind reminded me of a tropical storm: Rain sheeting sideways across the road.

I've felt a cold coming on for a couple of days, and it finally hit full force yesterday. Scott wrote about a rhino virus that had invaded his head. I think that he must have sneezed in Texas and sent that rhino virus all the way here. So today I have a sore throat and cough with a stuffy head.

Anyway, I'm going to try the best recipe that I know: chicken soup. Then, I'm going to go back to bed. I have a lot of bloggers to catch up with. I hope to do that soon. Just know that I'm thinking about you and hope that all is going well in your lives. And that you don't have any rhinos in your head!

I'm grateful today that:

• I drove without any accidents, although I saw a lot of them along the way
• I can stay home and get some TLC
• Work will still be there when I return and there won't be earth-shattering consequences
• Chicken soup was invented as a natural cold elixir
• The bedroom has a nice fireplace in it and a warm comforter on the bed
• I'm content and happy in my life on this day.
  

Not much labor

After all the rain of the past couple of days, it was nice to see the sun shine and feel fall in the air. I had the day off so I spent the morning at home taking care of a few things. In the afternoon, I went down to the local tall ship to do some volunteer work. I've enjoyed spending time doing dock watches and going for a sail or two. The tall ship program is about marine education and teamwork for children in the state. It's a neat idea and one that I hope will enhance education in a state that really needs it.

After being on the tall ship, I went to Compass Rose and grilled a couple of steaks, talked with the neighbors on their boats, and watched some fireworks over the city. I am thankful to have a peaceful place to go to. Home is peaceful but filled with so many reminders of a lifetime, of my parents lifetime, and of the current state of our lives together. Sometimes, I just need to be where there are no reminders and only the bare necessities are present. The boat is like a treehouse--a place to reconnect with myself.

I chair the meeting tomorrow at an Al-Anon meeting and am thinking about a topic. I would like to talk about the difficulties in having one person change when the other one appears "stuck". It might hit too close to home for me though. So perhaps I'll suggest a topic dealing with self-rightousness. That seems to be an easy spot for me to slip into and I know that it isn't productive. I need to practice acceptance and not get sucked into thinking that I have the answers. My HP has the answers if I'll just keep quiet and listen.

Live and let live

It's always amazing to me how you can get a bunch of people together and find either something in common or that outlier that is off the radar screen. I am sometimes the outlier but I also run into people who are outliers but on the opposite end of the tolerance gradient from me. I happened to run into some people last evening that were related to some of the work that I do.

One of the guys in the group, an older man, started talking about how he can't stand men who have earrings. He seemed also to be very homophobic. Now, I really don't get worked up about much of anything anymore, but I do like to have a little fun sometimes when I can. I said that I thought that if someone liked having piercings it was fine with me since I believed in the live and let live philosophy. Then, I lifted my hair that covered my right ear and showed the 10 piercings that I had. I thought that he would pass out. He said a few choice words and began to ask the usual questions of why would I do that to myself and what was I thinking, etc. You know the drill--the incredulity of someone who is heavily judgemental and self-righteous of which we were both guilty. I'm sure that he was thinking how glad he was that he didn't have a son like me and I was thinking how glad I was that I didn't have the same thought processes that he had.

This kind of thinking creates the prejudices that we have in our society. I was guilty of rising to the bait, albeit with humor and not malice, but this indicates to me that my best move might have been to have excused myself politely and walked away. I can think of many times that I've risen to being baited by my alcoholic, only to have an argument ensue that was damaging. I think that Live and Let Live is a very good philosophy and one that I believe in. The interchange that I had with this guy indicates that I need to revisit Step One, concentrating on my powerlessness over people, places, and things. I also need to think clearly about Live and Let Live and letting those things that grate my soul, just slide past like a wake of a boat. They may rock you a bit but eventually the water is calm again and you can get underway.