Addictions other than alcohol

It's a rainy Easter Sunday here.  The rain over the past few days has brought out every new leaf, turning the landscape into a thousand hues of green.  And it has washed away the pine and oak pollen that was coating everything yellow.  All seems refreshed.  And that is what I love about this time of year in the Lowcountry.  It is green and lush and covered with flowers.

Last time I wrote here about getting a new sponsee.  That lasted about two weeks when he decided that he could deal with all of his problems on his own.  It turns out that he is a recovering alcoholic which is okay because certainly most alcoholics are qualified to be in Al-Anon.  Who hasn't been affected by someone else's drinking?  Not many people that I know.

Anyway, what I want to write about here is problems other than alcohol that seem to plague many who are in recovery. Once the drinking stops,  other addictions can be a substitute, such as gambling, eating, or sex.  He happened to be using the latter.

He told me that he had 13th stepped several women in AA.  Then when he was married, he stopped doing that.  But over the last two years, he was finding himself more and more into on line chats and sexting. Needless to say, this brought about more problems in his marriage to an alcoholic.  His wife asked him to move out. And he thought that having a sponsor in Al-Anon would help him with his marriage and in dealing with an alcoholic spouse.

I know that I can't help someone who has an issue outside of Al-Anon.  I suggested that he find a 12 step group that could address his sex addiction.  That wasn't something that he wanted to do because he was still focusing on his wife's drinking.  It was a convoluted situation for sure.  And one that I could not help rectify.

I know from my own experience that getting honest with yourself, admitting that you are wrong and making amends can be so powerful.  So many things that we do in our lives hurt others, cause them to lose trust, and drive people away.  I hope this fellow gets at the root of what drives him to make bad decisions.

"Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to — alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person — you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain. That is why, after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in intimate relationships. They do not cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you. Every addiction does that. Every addiction reaches a point where it does not work for you anymore, and then you feel the pain more intensely than ever." ~Eckhart Tolle
 

Those little complications

The shadow of drug and alcohol addiction seem to complicate things even when I am not directly involved.  Yesterday, the complication came up out of the blue.

My wife and I invited a fellow I sponsor and his mom and dad to come over for Christmas dinner. Recently, he told me that his older brother had re-entered the country and was coming to live with them.  The brother had left the US to return to Mexico because he was wanted for drug use and had stolen money from the young man I sponsor.  J, who I sponsor, was concerned about his return and what that would mean in terms of family dynamics.

Anyway, yesterday, J asked if the brother could come here for Christmas dinner too.  I had anticipated this question which is why I had only invited J, and his Mom and Dad.  So I said that I was sorry, but I wasn't comfortable having the brother here, whom I had not met.  My wife wasn't comfortable having him either.  He is not in a recovery program in the US, although he has told J that he has been clean for 3 years while in Mexico.

So now it appears that J's mother won't be coming and probably his father either, because the brother is not invited.  I am okay with this.  My wife was not happy last night because she did not think that J should have asked about the brother and is now hoping that none of them comes here.  Sigh....I explained that J doesn't understand a lot about social etiquette here in the US.  And that he seemed okay with the boundary, wanting to still come over here for Christmas dinner.

I understand my wife's anxiety because we have invited people into our house who have stolen from us.  I feel comfortable with the decision to reiterate that J, his mom and dad are welcome. And perhaps in the future after we meet the brother, he will be included.  For now, it's a little complication that I am not allowing to mess with our Christmas.  I am okay with just C. and me on Christmas.

Personal boundaries are about keeping my serenity.  In this case, a boundary is about feeling safe with someone coming into our home.  Christmas is a time of good will.  I feel good will.  And I wish a holiday of peace and joy for all of you.

Sad death of a young man

We were back from the boat after three full days out when I received a call from an Al-Anon member telling me that the son of a couple who attends one of the meetings I attend had died of an overdose. The memorial service was to be held in a few hours on the beach near a neighboring island.

As I drove to the service, I thought about the many sharings the couple had made about their son.  They were struggling to not let their anxiety about him ruin their lives.  They loved him so much but didn't know what to do to help him. Others shared about how detaching with love had helped them with loved ones who were addicts or alcoholics.  How they had learned to not toss and turn with worry but realize that their loved ones also had a Higher Power.  Some how those words seemed hollow to me when thinking about the loss of their 33 year old son.  Would I think that there was nothing I could do after such a loss? Or would I be thinking that perhaps there would be one more thing I could try? Somehow it all sounds right when the person is alive but once they are dead from the disease, what then?

All of that changed though when I heard the couple and their remaining child, a beautiful young woman, share their memories of their son.  They all said what a big heart he had, and how much he cared about others, and what an important part music had in his life.  He was funny, intelligent, articulate, talented, and loved life and his family.  The parents talked about their son with so much love and with calmness and peace. They said that they hoped that he had found his own peace now.  Their words indicated to me an inner peace and acceptance and even joy as they shared stories about him. His sister regretted he would not be there to share her life, or joke with her.  She said that she didn't want to give the impression that he was being exalted too much because he could be a jerk as a big brother at times.  There was laughter and tears and so much love.

I listened to their words and those of others expressing how loving and good this young man was.  How utterly normal he sounded with his love for music, family, friends, pizza, goofy movies, and singing.  I watched the pelicans flying over, heard the waves on the beach, and saw the sun shining on the water.  And I thought that maybe some people are just too good for this world--too sensitive, too caring.  Maybe his heart was big and his love was big, but somehow he didn't really feel a lot of love for himself. I don't know.  But he sure sounded like a person I would have liked.

Guest Post: Effects of Alcoholism and Behavioral Problems with Teenagers

Occasionally, I get offers for guest posts.  I thought that this one would be helpful for those parents who might have a teenage child.  Some of my questions in reading this are:
1. Alcoholism may also lead to use of drugs.  What are the statistics on that?
2. How is the best way to educate young people about the dangers of drinking? 3. Recent research has shown that a single gene variation is connected to alcoholism.  If alcoholism can be traced to a particular gene or combination of genes, then couldn't it be helpful in identifying youngsters at risk of becoming alcoholics and perhaps lead to early prevention efforts?

Many thanks to Adeline for writing the article. Please provide your comments and questions.  Hopefully, Adeline will be able to provide her responses.

Effects of Alcoholism and Behavioral Problems with Teenagers

Alcohol addiction may be one of the problems that parents may experience with teens. If you are not aware of how alcohol affects your teen, you may be putting them in danger and at far greater risks than you can imagine. That’s why the first thing that you have to do as a parent is to know why your child may be suffering from alcoholism.

Reasons for Alcoholism
There can be many reasons why a teenager may result to alcohol abuse. Some concerned parents have asked whether alcoholism can be inherited. While genetics is not a determinant of alcohol abuse, it increases the risk for related behaviors. For example, a teen growing up in a household where another relative is an alcoholic is more likely to exhibit the same likeness for alcohol. Peer pressure can also be a factor for teenage drinking. Teens are concerned with fitting in with the crowd, so turning down a bottle of beer from a friend can have serious social side effects. At first this may not lead to alcohol abuse, but in the long term, it can definitely turn a social drinker into an alcoholic. Drinking large amounts of alcoholic beverages can also be an expression of independence. It makes teens feel that they are doing something that grownups can do freely. Whatever their reason may be, once teenagers get used to drinking too often (and too much), it can lead to alcoholism.

Behavior Problems Related to Alcoholism 
It is no secret that being drunk blurs one’s perception and reasoning. Teens are more likely to do careless actions that may later put them in danger (or worse, in jail) because of drinking. Teenagers who drink more than they should at one time are more likely to display aggressive, hyperactive, attention-seeking, uncontrollable, and dangerous behavior in public. Stealing, fighting with weapons, vandalizing, practicing unsafe sex – these are just some behaviors that are common among teenagers who are under the influence of alcohol. They may even be more of a danger to others than to themselves, especially when they get  behind the wheel of a car. Did you know that 28% of 15- to 20-year old teens have died in car crashes because of drunk driving? Clearly, alcohol abuse among teenagers is NOT normal, and it is NOT part of the growing up phase.

Aside from these dangerous and destructive acts, alcohol addiction in teenagers can also lead to psychological distress. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration also shows that 31% of alcoholic teenagers suffer from extreme levels of distress that can lead to depression and even suicide. As for those who have not yet hit rock bottom, the effects of too much drinking are evident in the classroom. A drinking problem can make a teenager inefficient in school, causing him or her to fall behind classes or eventually drop out. Too much alcohol consumption damages the brain and the nervous system, which could impede learning abilities.

If we do not do anything to educate teens on moderate drinking, we could be in for a total disaster.

About the Author
Adeline is a writer and stay-at-home parent from Winnipeg. She writes about students, teenagers, and touchy subjects such as alcohol addiction in teenagers for The Family Compass, and other online publications.

References
Casa Palmera: The Effects of Alcohol Abuse on Teens;
[http://casapalmera.com/the-effects-of-alcohol-abuse-on-teens/]

Alcohol Cost Calculator: Teens’ Alcohol Problems;
[http://www.alcoholcostcalculator.org/kids/teens/print-teens.php]

Project Know: Teen Problems with Alcoholism;
[http://www.projectknow.com/research/teen-problems-with-alcoholism/]

Hating the disease: a story from a reader

Occasionally, I'll get an email that resonates with me because the writer shares such an honest part of herself.  I can identify with hating the disease while I desperately love the person who has it.  The following was sent to me a couple of weeks ago.  I have the writer's permission to include it here.

Dear Syd - 

I stumbled upon your blog a few weeks ago, and it has become a permanent "go to" site on my phone. I often pick topics that are relevant to me that day, and your writing has provided me with a lot of peace and hope. 

I have been in a ten year relationship with an addict (not alcohol) who I love deeply. It has been both my greatest joy and my deepest heartbreak. 

If you'll allow me to share, here's the background on our story: 

I was a good two years in the relationship before I realized there was an actual drug problem and the full extent of it. He was highly functioning and ambitious and although there were signs, I chose to believe him that everything was "fine".

Following the admission were three solid years of him trying to "beat it" on his own. The sixth year was a stint in rehab, from which he came back in full recovery. For that year he stayed clean and worked with his sponsor. In year seven, we were happy and hopeful and got engaged. We were finally putting all the plans and dreams we had put on hold so many years into effect. Things seemed promising until year eight. 

We visited his family with whom he has a complicated relationship (they are all active alcoholics), his sponsor passed away, and he stopped working the program. Almost immediately he relapsed. It started as once every few months he'd use. All the while saying he'd get it under control again. Of course it slowly escalated, as I feared it would, as he wasn't working a program. 

By year nine, the wedding had been put on hold, and his finances were in a mess. Year ten came this july. He went back to meetings. Found a temporary sponsor. And started seeing a psychiatrist in the genuine and high hopes that he would help him further. The psychiatrist, to my utter amazement, prescribed him about 4 different types of pills, two of which are highly addictive. His personality has changed to the point where he is a dull shadow of his former self. The pill intake has steadily gone up. And the drug use persists. 

I am in Al-Anon. I have a sponsor. I do three meetings a week. And I am determined to find my sanity one way or another. 

That said, there are many dark days and heartbreak as the happy (albeit imperfect) ending I whole-heartedly believed in has not ever come. 

I am now 39 years old. I pretty much may have lost my chance to have children because I decided to stay in this relationship. I have accepted that, but sometimes it makes me incredibly sad. 

I can honestly say I don't blame him. I know he has a disease. I know I chose to stay. But I feel I am realizing I can't stay much longer. I simply don't know how to co-exist and find serenity with active addiction. Last night he relapsed, after a month sober. He said he was going to the gym, and didn't come home until 6 in the morning. 

During that endless night, of which I've had many, I tried to use the tools I've learned in the program. I tried to take care of myself, read some literature, prayed, took a bath, tried to sleep... but it's too much. I just can't do it. Not knowing if the person you love is okay or if this is the time that they don't make it home is too much to bear anymore. As the morning hours creep in, the feeling of despair and panic rise to almost unbearable levels, and I start to prepare myself for the worst. Would the police come to our door? Would I have to go to the morgue? How could I stand it? How could I bear it? 

Tonight I think he may have used again. He should have been home by now. The feeling in my stomach is familiar. I want off this merry go round. And yet he is the great love of my life. What a pickle, is it not? 

I hate this disease. I hate what it's done to him. And to me. And to the life we both dreamt of so many years ago. 

I don't know how this story will end. But I know I am powerless over his disease. And I know I need to get better somehow, whether he does or not, because as utterly hopeless as I feel right now, I have not forgotten that this life is a gift. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my words. Thank you for sharing your journey with me and so many. I am so glad your wife is sober today and I wish you continued peace and recovery. 

Ninety Days, Just Ninety Days

The new book by Bill Clegg, Ninety Days: A Memoir of Recovery,  begins where Portrait of an Addict as a Young Man ends.  Mr. Clegg, an admitted crack addict, has been released from the psych ward at Lenox Hill Hospital after a two-month bender that ended in a suicide attempt.  He has lost his business, his money, his partner, and most of his friends. 

Thus begins his journey to achieve 90 days free of alcohol and substance abuse.  He sees this as the Holy Grail of achievement, becoming the one thing that he needs to accomplish.  The magical "ninety-in-ninety" in which he goes to ninety meetings in ninety days, is seen as his ticket back to some semblance of the life that he used to have before drug addiction. 

But what happens, just short of 90 days, is he relapses.  It is one of those split second decisions that a non-addict doesn't understand.  He is alone in his own apartment when the thoughts of getting high take over.  In his words, "CALL SOMEONE! I say out loud, but even as I say the words I know it's too late. My mind whizzes with ways to get drugs."  He visits the dealer and doesn't return home for two days.  

The story of his struggle with relapsing is something that is only too familiar to those who know about addiction.  Mr. Clegg struggles to understand why his mind goes "less than a moment between fleeting thought and full-blown fantasy" about using. 

When he finally realizes that there is something beyond his own need and ability, a connection to something greater than his addiction, the reader has been on a roller coaster ride of lies, shame, relapses--the unremitting insanity of addiction.   

I think that these words in the book sum up how Mr. Clegg eventually makes the decision that he is done: "All you had to do was get honest, get sober, and offer help to a few addicts and alcoholics along the way." If you or others that you know have been affected by alcoholism or addiction, this is a book filled with hope.  And it offers a solution that the author found.  

The book is an intense and quick read.  I wanted him to achieve his goal of ninety days.  And every time he hit rock bottom, I was hoping it was the last time.  This is an honest book about addiction.  It chronicles the insanity of the disease and the landscape of recovery:  The repetition of meetings, those who cycle in and out to use again, the slogans, the sponsors, the addicts who are struggling to make their own ninety days stick and to keep going one day after another.   What it may give those of us who aren't addicts is a bit more compassion for those who are sick and suffering. 

"If you are struggling with drugs and alcohol, go to the rooms where alcoholics and addicts go to get and stay sober.  These rooms and the people in them are your best chance.  Listen to them, be honest with them.  Help them--even if you think you have nothing to offer.  Be helped by them.  Depend on them and be depended on.  And if the only thing you can do is show up, do it. Then do it again. And when it's the last thing you want to do and the last place you want to go, go.  Just go. You have no idea who you might be helping just by sitting there or who might help you." ~ Bill Clegg, Ninety Days: A Memoir of Recovery

Ninety Days: A Memoir of Recovery by Bill Clegg

Published by Little, Brown and Company 

Publishing Date: April 10, 2012 

ISBN-10: 0316122521 

ISBN-13: 978-0316122528

Hoppin' John

I made it to my destination in Florida.  Traffic was surprisingly light.  I was driving 75 mph and people were flying by me like there was a firecracker up their butt.  People in Florida sure do put the hammer down.

My main concern on the drive was getting some collard greens and Hoppin' John.  Hoppin' John is the Southern US version of a traditional rice and beans dish eaten throughout West Africa.  It consists of black-eyed peas or field peas and rice, with chopped onion and sliced bacon or ham hock. Smaller than black-eyed peas, field peas are used in the Low Country of South Carolina and Georgia; black-eyed peas are the norm elsewhere.

Throughout the coastal South, eating Hoppin' John on New Year's Day is thought to bring a prosperous year filled with luck.  Collard greens, kale, turnip greens, and mustard greens eaten along with this dish are supposed to add to the wealth since they are the color of money.  Another traditional New Year's Day food, cornbread, also represents wealth since it is the color of gold.

I was getting worried until I found a diner where they served up the money and good luck as part of a vegetable plate along with some corn bread. I was happy! So if you missed out on some peas, greens, and corn bread, there is always next year.

Today, I'm going to mosey around a bit.  Maybe check out the marinas.  I'll help my friend get settled in his accommodations where he will be studying for the next few weeks.  I've already checked the Al-Anon schedule and will be going to a meeting tonight.  I'm going to call the local AIS to make sure of the meeting schedule.  We will probably also hit some open AA meetings as well.  There is a 12 step house not far from here.

The first day of 2012 has been good to me.  But it has been hard on others. My wife misunderstood when the caregivers were returning so she spent New Year's Eve at her parents' home.  She got home yesterday around noon and was so relieved.  I know that she won't be doing the night shift for an entire week again.  I told her that I thought it would be too much and now she agrees.

And to the bloggers out there who have been having troubles with family members, all I can say is take care of yourself.  Giving up your own life to try to save someone else's doesn't work.  Two people are then lost.  I know that you love your child, spouse, husband, friend, etc. but you cannot save them.  And meanwhile the "normal" people in the family become less happy and more mixed up in the disease of alcoholism/addiction.  It took a lot of painful reminders for me to finally understand that I was not only harming myself but others when I tried to love them out of their disease.  If you think that you have that kind of power, I have news for you--the disease will kill you from stress, worry, and anxiety.  The martyr role is not going to stop the disease either.  I finally understood the words "keep the focus on yourself" that my sponsor hammered into me.  I get it.

Okay, that's it for now.  Time to find a grocery store.

The casualties of alcoholism/addiction

Meetings and discussions this week with those I sponsor were about how trust goes out the window when alcoholism and addiction are front and center.  It seems that addictive behavior means having to say "I am sorry" over and over, until finally, those words are no longer meaningful to those who have been repeatedly hurt by believing them. Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial,  but it is also a disease of regret. As the disease progresses,  the emptiness of what has been lost is filled with regrets, "if-only"s and "could-have-been"s.  There are lots of casualties that occur with addictive behavior.  The truth is probably the first thing to be cast aside and squandered.  Not only does the alcoholic/addict deny the truth to himself, but as the disease progresses, lying becomes a habit.  Most who are active in their disease are practiced at lying in all matters related to the defense and preservation of the addiction.   Evasion, deception, manipulation, and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process.  The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the alcoholic/addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress. I have heard and read a lot of sharings by alcoholics.  It seems that the disease protects and strengthens itself through being "terminally unique".  I also hear this in Al-Anon as well, from those who are convinced that their situation is different and worse than others.  Being able to reconcile behavior due to special considerations provides an explanation for the preservation of the disease.  The thinking may go something like this:  Under ordinary circumstances and for most people getting drunk  (or nagging) all the time is bad. My circumstances are not ordinary and I am different from most people. I have more stress than most.  I feel anxious and down.  Therefore I need to drink (or nag) because of my special circumstances.  This is delusional thinking.  For the individual in the grip of addiction,  it all seems rational that his circumstances are such that ordinary rules and norms of behavior don't apply to him at the present and must be bent or changed because of his special needs.  It is a charade that is often accompanied by a promise to get back on track as soon as the "right" circumstances permit.  This is the mindset of those who make promises to "quit drinking when my mind quiets down" or who say, "I have to drink because I have so many problems and can't cope", or that "I have the right to be angry because I live with a drunk." The behavior of being "terminally unique" is not believed after a while by anyone.  The same old song and dance over and over strains relationships.  It doesn't take long to reach the conclusion that the alcoholic/addict isn't to be believed in matters pertaining to his addiction.  I heard a lot of times that "this is the last drink".  It may be well-intentioned at the time but eventually the old behavior would return, the "terminal uniqueness" would take hold, and the excuses and alibis for continuing to drink would come up. This behavior repeated over and over does a lot of damage in relationships.  At the time, the promises seem sincere and probably are.  But as the promises are broken time and again,  the hope and joy gives way to bitter disillusion.  I think that Lois W. explains this well in her book about how she lost hope and was bitterly disappointed by Bill W.'s relapses.  How many times do family members ask: "If you really love and care about me, why don't you stop what you are doing?"  And most of the time the answer back is another promise to do better, or as the disease progresses, the alcoholic will point out the faults of those who are nagging him to stop.  This is the "the best defense is a good offense" maneuver.  The alcoholic thinks of himself as the victim of the unfairness of the family who are nagging about his drinking. The family may start to feel crazy with feelings of self-pity, resentment and fear.  Relationships totally collapse in the downward spiral of mistrust.   Those who keep trying to preserve a relationship with individuals who are in the throes of progressive addiction come to feel as if they are not as important as the bottle.  The "less than" feeling takes hold because the family begins to feel that the addiction is more important than they are.   And at the time, they are right. Questions, discussions, presentations of facts, confrontations, pleas, threats, ultimatums and arguments are all part of dealing with alcoholism.  Sometimes these ultimatums work at getting all parties into recovery.  Or the pleas will fall on deaf ears. And the delusions continue that "no one is being harmed by drinking"; "I can stop at any time"; "drinking is necessary to deal with the crappy circumstances of life". Those who express concern are to be avoided and are often criticized.   Sadly, those who care about the alcoholic the most begin to feel crazy as the disease progresses.  Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame are just some of the feelings of those who live with active addiction.   Fear, anger, confusion and depression often result.  None of this is pretty.  There are times that I need to remind myself just how fortunate I am to have gotten help before I became a casualty of alcoholism.

Sick as a dog

I was truly down for the count last night.  I hadn't felt that sick in a long time.  I am not sure what it was about, but after a night of joint pain and chills,  I feel much better today.

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that I was having heart palpitations and was getting that checked out.  I had the appoinment to have a cardiac calcium scoring done last week.  Luckily,  I live near the city that has the only machine that can do this in the state.  I went to the cardiologist to go over the results yesterday.  It was all good news.  I have no sign of any coronary artery disease.  All the exercise and healthy living has paid off, I guess. 

After the doctor's visit,  I was going to go down to the boat but was starting to feel a headache coming on and my joints were also achy.  The heat index was well over 100 so I decided to simply come home.  From there, I went to bed and had a rough night.  Whatever the bug was, it has moved on today. 

It is going to be around 110 F heat index today.  I am going to take it easy and not go rushing out to do work outside.  The garden was picked yesterday.  But it is so prolific this year,  there is more to pick every day.  The unrelenting heat should abate a little by the weekend. 

I have been reading in the NA basic text.  It is a no nonsense book that cuts to the chase.  There aren't a lot of florid words.  I thought this passage was right to the point:

Before coming to the Fellowship of NA, we could not manage
our own lives. We could not live and enjoy life as other people
do. We had to have something different and we thought we had
found it in drugs. We placed their use ahead of the welfare of
our families, our wives, husbands, and our children. We had
to have drugs at all costs. We did many people great harm, but
most of all we harmed ourselves. Through our inability to accept
personal responsibilities we were actually creating our own
problems. We seemed to be incapable of facing life on its own
terms.
Most of us realized that in our addiction we were slowly
committing suicide, but addiction is such a cunning enemy of
life that we had lost the power to do anything about it. Many of
us ended up in jail, or sought help through medicine, religion
and psychiatry. None of these methods was sufficient for us.
Our disease always resurfaced or continued to progress until
in desperation, we sought help from each other in Narcotics
Anonymous.
After coming to NA we realized we were sick people. We
suffered from a disease from which there is no known cure. It
can, however, be arrested at some point, and recovery is then
possible.

~~Narcotics Anonymous, Sixth Edition

Love, lust and addiction

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” Thomas Merton

The most unusual topic came up at a meeting this week.  It was on love, lust and addiction.  It was interesting to hear the different shares on this topic.  And it made for an interesting meeting.

I have certainly been in lust.  It is filled with energy and frenzy.  I found it hard to sleep and to concentrate.  But like all those things that run on hormonal urges, eventually lust begins to wear down.  The energy flow that goes outward begins to wane and a feeling of depletion comes.  Given enough time, lust may diminish to a fond memory.  So then what's left?

For me, after the lust came the addiction.  I became addicted to the feeling of lust and wanted to keep that feeling going.  It surely must be like taking drugs and chasing the high.  I was driven by obsessive ego.  I think that both of us were chasing something that wasn't healthy.  C. was in a blurry haze of booze.  I was in a blurry haze of obsession. Both of us were in a downward spiral.

I don't know what it is about those of us affected by alcoholism, but we don't have good sense when it comes to understanding love or having a relationship.  The wounded don't really know how to love.  We simply flounder around looking for something that is so elusive.  I didn't love myself and certainly didn't have a clue about what it really meant to love another.

I am finding that the twelve steps have brought me to a point where I do love who I am.  I have allowed myself to be who I am finally, after too many years of trying to be what I thought others wanted.

I have a great love of life too.  I celebrate life and get great joy out of something each day.  Not every day is wonderful, but I try to find one small thing that might be joyful regardless.  It might just be the beauty of the trees, the sky, the birds at the feeder, a thousand things that I see every day can provide a few moments of joy.

I have learned that there is a power greater than me in this fellowship.  I have the love of my sponsor, my fellows in the program and the God of my understanding.  Human love is hardly ever unconditional--the love of a parent for a child may be the closest that it gets.  But I feel a lot of unconditional love in the fellowship and from my Higher Power.

There aren't qualifications with this kind of love.  Every day I do what I humanly can to accept others, have compassion for them, and give something back to the universe.  Lust can be found in every bar in town.  But it is empty and doesn't last.  The feeling of love is different.  It is as if I am learning to birth my soul.  That is a great gift.

Pouring outside and in

It is raining here today.  We certainly need the rain as it has been dry for several weeks.  I like these rainy days when the sky is overcast.  When I was working, I would wish that I were home reading a book.  Now that I am retired,  I am home and reading blogs and books.

I can't seem to catch up on the blogs or on the books.  I guess that I will have to get used to the idea that I will get what I can done.  There aren't any deadlines for me now---well, except for the self-imposed ones that I seem to make for myself.   I still feel a bit uneasy about having so much free time to do what I want.

I have gone back into my work place at least for several hours a week since I left.  I see a few people.  But mostly I slip into the building, unlock my old office, and go in to finish a few things that were left undone.  I have finally packed up all my things and moved them out.  There were just a few remaining files to go through.

I am glad to see the people there when someone says hello. But I don't feel as if I belong anymore.  It isn't a particularly good feeling because it reminds me of how I used to do my best to avoid people.  These are old issues with me.  And I will continue to address the feeling of not being wanted or appreciated.  As I have written here many times before, the fear of abandonment is something that I work on every day.

Another one of my character defects that has raised its head recently has been one involving lack of trust with some members in the program.  I go through these ebbs and flows when I feel really great about the people that I am around in meetings, only to be countered by a feeling of irritation and, yes, resentment towards them.

My most recent malcontent feelings were when a fellow chaired one of the Al-Anon meetings with the topic being Step One.  He "rewrote" the first step saying that "we admitted we were powerless over our addicts".  I realize that there are many people who come to Al-Anon because of drug addiction in a friend or relative.  But I like to keep in mind that our primary purpose is to help families and friends of alcoholics.  I do believe in our primary purpose and that trying to change it to focus on addicts isn't what I can relate to.  The more he talked about the addicts in our lives,  equating alcoholism with addiction, the less I could concentrate on the topic.  I sometimes feel as if the fellowship is being diverted from that which I can relate to.  But that is something that I need to reconcile within myself.

So once again there is a lot for me to work on in my recovery.  Acceptance and compassion are two things that I have to be mindful of each day.  This is a gentle program and not one where there are rules and regulations.

A much beloved friend in program shared with me that missing three meetings could result in dismissal from a group.  I don't know where this is written, and I am glad that I have not been told that I need not show up again if I miss three meetings.  That is what makes this fellowship so great.  There are no rules and regulations per se.  One can be gone for years and then show back up to be welcomed.  Something for me to keep in mind as I negotiate the twists and turns in my daily life as well!  And I already feel better for having written this.  The program itself is strong and for that I am grateful.

Nothing to give

I made it to Newport. My hotel room window overlooks the water and many sailboats. I passed the Newport Shipyard on my way. There were some awesome boats there. I hope to walk over to see some during lunch.

I have to say that learning that someone has nothing to give is a hard dose of reality. After inventorying the situation, I can see that I was pretending the person was someone other than who they really are. I was negotiating with reality.

I know that people have all manner of character defects as do I. Once again I'm reminded that there is nothing that I can do about another's reality. However, the one thing that I don't have to do is deny it. I realize this particular friend is destructive. I just have to let him be who he is. I have wondered for some time whether he was capable of trust. Now I realize that I knew the answer in my gut for a long time.

I like that I have compassion but that I take care of myself and face the reality of our friendship. I realize that an addictive personality can include things other than alcohol. But I don't have to be involved in his sickness or secrets. I have decided, just as I knew all along, that this doesn't have my name on it.

For too many years, I have been a good friend. Now it's time for me to be a good friend to myself and take my own best interests into account. I like how the program has taught me that my choice is to set others free to be whatever they choose. And in letting them go, I also become free.

Requiem

I watched the movie "Requiem for a Dream" last night. It was one of those flicks that made me feel as if I were watching a car wreck--I wanted to not watch but couldn't take my eyes away.

It's a story about addiction and what happens to those who get hooked. In this case, a mother and her son and his two friends are the ones who go down the path to insanity, sickness, and depravity. The outcome is predictable as one watches the horror of addiction take hold.

I have read books about what addiction is like from the standpoint of the addict/alcoholic, but I don't think the words quite have the impact that the visual does. I just thank God that I never went down that path.

I felt disturbed, vulnerable and sad after watching this movie. I think that it's ultimately about loneliness which is a definite trigger for me. One reviewer wrote: "Even when dreams are shared, they can fail to materialise; even when relationships are strong, they can wear out; even when the mind is unflinching, it can give way to doubts. When one is young one is awed by the power of the youth and takes pride in it; when one is old, one dreams of the power of youth and takes refuge in it. Both are so misconceived, so misplaced. The only thing that the young and the old have in common is the power to dream… dream for the future… dreams that can wither out and die, uncherished, unrealised, unlived." Heavy stuff.

So I am grateful today for:

• Not feeling alone but part of so much
• Not having ever acted out my destructive thoughts towards myself
• Getting a lot of good food cooked for a friend's birthday (natal) tomorrow
• A breath of cooler air that has come in on some NE winds
• That it's Friday and the weekend is ahead.
  

The lonely bones

Once upon a time there was a lovely child born to a upstanding family in a beautiful town by the sea. The family welcomed the birth of their daughter with much joy. And they watched as the child grew, having much anticipation of a wonderful life that lay ahead for their daughter.

The child grew into a beautiful young woman with auburn hair and blue eyes. She was a precocious, strong-willed person. But she had a fragile center. She identified with animals, talking to them and giving them special names. They seemed to have a special affinity for her. Maybe they detected an inward innocence and kindness that drew each to the other.

She enjoyed life in the old city where her house overlooked the water. There was always plenty to do and yet down inside there was a certain fragility that was hidden by the healthy and energetic persona.

The young woman went away to school. She learned to love languages and the way that the words tripped off her tongue. She became multi-lingual and enjoying traveling to far away places where she could practice her language skills.

She also had a love of poetry and writing. Poetry touched that deep sad place within her. Writing allowed her to express her feelings and thoughts. Some of the thoughts were pleasant and she remembered special trips with her family and friends. But other thoughts were dark and full of self-doubt. There were days when she despaired.

Somehow along the way, she decided that the pressures of school were too much. She sought solace in drugs and alcohol. At first, she liked the way that she felt. Gradually though the old feelings of self-doubt would return. She dropped out of school and returned home to the house overlooking the water, hoping to keep the demons in her head at bay.

It seemed that things would go okay for a while and then the old feelings of uncertainly and inadequacy would return. Home was nice and safe, but the pull of her addiction was stronger. She started to hang out with people who didn't have her best interests at heart. Her cravings fueled an addiction that opened up a desolate landscape in her mind where nothing but self-loathing lived.

She wanted to break away from the predators who fed her habit. She decided during the lazy days of early June to get away from the predators and their drugs that were poisoning her. This was a hard thing to do because their grip was strong. But she was also strong and had a renewed will to live and have joy and peace in her life.

The predators had other ideas though. And as predators do, they turned on their prey and killed her. Her lifeless body was dumped among pine trees and brush.

Her parents became frantic with worry because they hadn't heard from their daughter. They held vigils, called her cell phone over and over, hired investigators, had searches done--all to no avail.

Summer turned to early fall and the golden rod and pretty wildflowers covered the ground. The young woman who was so graceful and strong at one time lay amongst them, now only a skeleton.

Her parents held onto a spark of hope. They wanted their daughter to be home and safe. They thought that they could hear her voice calling to them. They feared the worst and clung to each other.

Her lonely bones were resting not so many miles away with the whispering of the pine trees and the night voices of frogs and crickets as her only company. The falling of gentle rain felt like God's tears. Her spirit hovered in sadness. She too wanted to go home.

Dedicated to those who died in drug related violence and who are still missing.

PS: the lonely bones were found two days ago on the island where I live. The death/homicide is under investigation.

Do you make the call?

Yesterday in the meeting, a mother spoke about her daughter who is in a bad way from alcohol/drugs. She wasn't a newcomer to Al-Anon. Over the years, she had been down the road to hell to get her daughter out of scrapes, jails, debt and all the other woes that occur with addiction.

This time the mother doesn't know whether to initiate efforts to get her daughter into rehab. She doesn't know whether to make the call that will get her daughter off the streets. All efforts in the past were made, only to go through the heartache of relapse. She said that as a mother she wants to do what she can to get her daughter the help that is needed. But she said that the "powerless" part of her wants the daughter to reach out for help, to want to be well. The mother doesn't want to enable anymore.

I wished that Lou, Cat, Karen, Mom and Dad, Pam, Mary and other bloggers who have dealt with the struggles of having a child be addicted had been there to offer their E, S, and H. I know what I felt in my heart. I knew without much thought that I would do whatever I could to reach out to someone I loved to get them to a treatment facility. But as a member shared, he let go of any expectations once he made the call to get his son into treatment. He tossed the life ring; it was then up to the addict to grab hold and save himself.

I am glad that I don't have to make a decision about whether to jump in the water and place his hands on the ring and and then pull him to shore. My prayers go out to all of you who deal with these decisions on a daily basis and to those who are still sick and suffering. May God hold you in his hands.

Running

I got back from my meeting with only a slight delay in the flight. I read a good book on this trip called The Lost Years. It's a book about addiction and alcoholism from the viewpoint of a mother and her daughter, who was addicted and living on the streets for several years. The daughter suffered terrible things for the sake of drugs. It's probably one of the most riveting books that I've read. It is written as a dual narrative with the mother sharing her feelings about the extent that she was willing to go to get her daughter back, until she learned to look to her own recovery. Eventually, tough love, intervention and rehabilitation brought the family back together. I recommend this book because it includes a lot of good recovery for the addict and the parent.

I only have this night at home before I'm heading to Atlanta for another meeting. I feel as if I'm running and about to catch myself. I plan to drive back from Atlanta on Friday and spend a quiet weekend on the boat. I need some time away from the meeting crowd, airports, and rushing to get no where.

And I want to get back to my regular meeting schedule as soon as I can. Next week will be a relatively "normal" schedule for me. No more running, just office work, Al-Anon meetings, and time at home. Sounds good to me.

Until I have time to catch up with your posts.....take it easy.

Tweak

I read Tweak, the book by Nic Sheff about taking meth. And after reading it, all that I could think was that I am grateful that I don't have a child who went through what Nic did. It was a tough book in many ways. I think that if I had a child out there who was using, it would be a hard book to read.

This wasn't a kid who was evil or who had no feelings. He was a kid who loved his family, cared about the people in his life, but the drug had such a hold on him that he was willing to do just about anything to keep using. His cycles of using and recovery made me realize what a hold this drug has on people.

Drugs weren't glorified in this book. Instead, the horrors of addiction came through loud and clear. I am hoping that Nic stays clean. He knows how to work a program of recovery which was talked about quite a bit in the book. The main thing that I took from this book is that those thinking about using drugs will read about a life on drugs that is as close to hell as one can get.

PS: I did read David Sheff's book A Beautiful Boy first which was from the father's perspective. It was also a good read.

Parents and children

There's been a lot of pain in meetings and in the blogs about having addicted children. At a meeting today, a mother expressed her sorrow and helplessness over having a son who is squandering his life. She said that he came home with clothes all wet and was hallucinating, telling her of the strange things that he was seeing climbing the draperies and floating through the air. She called EMS who came and got him. But there were no beds available at the hospitals so he was released still high and hallucinating.

Her question was what can she do? She wants to help him but feels that she is losing who she is. The group discussed how powerless we are over others. And that losing ourselves in order to try to save someone else who is lost means that two people are then lost.

Perhaps all we can do is love the other person, tell them we love them, and want them to get help. We then take care of ourselves so that we don't lose our health, our spirituality and our minds. If someone is an adult, there isn't much else that can be done. We can offer a lot of prayers for the sick and suffering to seek their HP and have God hold them in his hands. There are a lot of people out there who need those prayers today.

Alcoholism as a disease

The meeting topic last night was alcoholism as a disease. The person who brought up the topic shared that it is both a physical craving and a mental obsession.

I know that accepting the disease description helps me to better understand the individual. I can accept and have compassion for a person who has this "cunning, baffling, and powerful" disease.

I have learned that no matter how hard I try, I will not be able to help the alcoholic. If I were to devote my life to "fixing" the alcoholic, I would only harm her and myself. I would harm through enabling and doing for someone what they have to do for themselves. Instead I have chosen to help myself through the Al-Anon program.

I don't need to go back to asking the question of why the person I love is an alcoholic. I have to accept that is the way it is and that my SO has a disease that can make her sick. I've also accepted that she isn't a bad person.

I have learned that having a compulsion to drink is a terrible thing. I've listened in open AA meetings about how hard it is to not pick up a drink. Have you ever had a compulsion to eat ice cream or pizza, even though you were on a diet? What did that compulsion feel like to you? How much did you struggle with it? What did you feel like when it bested you? What did it feel like when it didn't and you were able to withstand the compulsion? What does it feel like to know that you can never eat another piece of pizza or have any more ice cream...ever? If I think about those things, then I can better understand the territory of the struggling alcoholic and addict.

But I can't do anything about anyone's alcoholism because I don't know how. I don't have that compulsion that would kill me. My alcoholic can only get help with another recovering alcoholic and by practicing a program of honesty and willingness.

Because I need to work on my own issues from living with alcoholism, I focus on my own program. Getting through the affects of alcohol requires a lot from me. It requires detatchment, patience and humility. It requires being teachable and allowing room for great successes and great failures. It requires serenity, courage and wisdom. It requires honesty and the willingness to change.

Friday musings

Thanks for your comments and thoughts about my dog. The good news is that none of the tests revealed any tumors or blockages. She has a very inflamed stomach, severe gastroenteritis, and is on several new medications. She is still depressed but hopefully the medication will help her to feel better. I was relieved to get this news as this condition can be treated. My dogs are much loved and are like the kids I never had.

I hardly ever watch any television anymore. It's as if my attention can't be focused on a talking head for very long. Oh I'll watch the news for a while but mostly I just read the paper and books. Anyway, I watched the HBO documentary on Addiction. I had heard some people talking about it before it aired and decided that it might be worth watching. It is generally well done and does have a lot of medical information and provides insight into the disease of addiction. There were several points that were made that I found interesting:

1. A comment made by one of the MD's at the Medical University of South Carolina was interesting. She stated that the idea that someone had to hit rock bottom before they would get into recovery was not true. In fact, the sooner that someone could get into treatment, the better that they would be. The reality is that everyone is different — there is no predicting what will impel someone to seek treatment.

2. Thankfully, addiction is discussed as a medical, not moral, condition afflicting brains which have ceased to function correctly. Current research indicates that repeated use of drugs and alcohol alters the way the brain works. These alterations can now be observed and described in precise detail. It was interesting to see an MRI of the brain of someone who was actively using and someone who wasn't.

I didn't hear but a couple of references to AA and don't recall any to Al-Anon. The program stressed the medical side of things. I understand the medical side but think that recovery is dependent on something other than pills and role playing. The importance of the fellowship, the spiritual aspect, and all that the programs embody seem to me to be more helpful than any therapist ever was.

One of the things that seems to come through to me is that there is something very special about the fellowship of the 12 step programs when compared to other kinds of therapy. I am thinking more and more about how I want to be involved in service work when I've completed the steps. I've always liked helping others but now there is a real compulsion for me to do so. Thinking about the rampage of a murderer at Va. Tech. reminds me that the killer was someone's child, had aspirations, had dreams and somehow all those things became channeled into a sickness and a rage that was all consuming. It makes me think that each of us needs to reach out a hand.

It seems to follow that when I have a problem, I can go to a meeting or talk to others and come away with much less of a problem and much more of a solution. Just by realizing that I don't have the answers but others do makes the fellowship a powerful thing. Similarly, when I see someone who is new and sits in the back, I go forward now and introduce myself and make an overture to the other person. Whether at meetings or just in life maybe we all need to be more aware, watch out for each other in a caring way, and not be afraid to reach out for help. For me, I know that working with others will be a major part of my recovery and growth as a person.