Contentment

It has been one of those rare days in late spring when the humidity is low and the temperature cool. I can't remember when it has been this pleasant so late into May. 

I spent most of the day on the boat. I did some walking this afternoon, going to a spot to photograph some wild flowers. 

I have no resentment or anger today. All that was in me seemed to evaporate after writing about what I was feeling, looking at my part, and reading your comments. 

I continue to do a fourth step inventory on those resentments that come up on occasion. I look at what I am feeling and what's my part in keeping the resentment going.  Usually, it comes down to fear--of the unknown, of being rejected, of not being good enough. I hear my father's voice telling me to stand up for myself, which I equated to mean don't let others take advantage of you. 

Today is just contentment. In reviewing the day, I haven't had anything happen to interrupt my peace of mind. It was a good idea to be on the boat which is truly my sanctuary.

    

Step Four obstacles

Step Four seems to be a big stumbling block to a lot of those I sponsor.  Inevitably, it seems that this step begins to slow down the previous enthusiasm of many.  Many seem to come to a grinding halt at the prospect of honest self-evaluation.

The Al-Anon way of working this step keeps the focus on me.  I am not taking an inventory of another person or writing about what is wrong with them. Instead I'm writing down information about my character traits and behaviors in order to determine  how these have become ingrained in my life and which ones I need to be rid of.

Because I had a very wise and kind sponsor, I felt comfortable taking a good look at myself with total honesty, yet without self recrimination.  I trusted that Step Four was nothing to fear but would reveal those things that I needed to work on, as well as a lot of positive aspects about me.

The Al-Anon book used in Step Four, called Blueprint for Progress, seems to strike fear into some. Maybe it's the length of the book (62 pages) or maybe it's the content. Each topic such as fear, resentment, anger, honesty, etc. has a series of questions associated with it.  Here's an example of the ones on resentment which was a big one for me to write about:

1.Are there any people or organizations from childhood that I stilll feel angry with today?

2.With the people I resent the most, what part did I play in the original events that happened?

3.How did I feel about the way my family dealt with angry situations?

4. Who are the people in my life that I resent the most?

5. What bothered me about the people I resent most?

6. How do I treat those that I resent?

Questions like these bring up a lot of things that most of us would rather not examine. My findings on resentment were that I had expectations of others that were unrealistic. I expected them to be mind readers and do things as I had planned.  But I know that others have a will of their own, and I can’t impose my will on them without disastrous consequences.  I learned from writing my inventory  to have respect for others and realize that they have their own lives to live.

I didn't find the work on Step Four to be difficult.  It did take a while to get through the Blueprint book.  But I would work on a couple of topics each week until I completed that portion of the Fourth Step.  And once that is completed, then I did the AA fourth step inventory as laid out in the Big Book.  That is what I also ask sponsees to do.

Some sponsees move right along with this step and welcome the opportunity to honestly look at themselves.  Others are afraid of bringing up the past.  Some sponsees see the work on this step as being like an assignment, one that has too much structure and semblance to class assignments.  I simply did what my sponsor asked, trusting him to guide me on the way. 

The inventory is supposed to be both searching and fearless. I'm not being asked in this step to judge or to change anything, just to notice and record what is. Answering the questions as honestly as I could does bring up some very painful things but also a lot of good things as well. 

I explain to sponsees that this step is about identifying what each of us needs to work on to become a contented person who is happy within our own skin.  There are inevitably things that occurred during the course of our lives that weren't our fault.  I don't believe that those children who are molested by an adult had a part in that horror.  But perhaps we did have a part in continuing to beat ourselves up over what happened to us during childhood.  And maybe the resentment needs to see the light of day and be released. 

I certainly have more than an inkling of defects that I have.  I don't mind being totally honest about these things. And by realizing what my part is, I am more aware, more humble, and ultimately more compassionate towards myself and others.

"Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory ur faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight." from Alcoholics Anonymous

"Until we know exactly where we are, we cannot know where we are headed." from How Al-Anon Works

Photos and other things on Tuesday

  

I'm posting some photos from the oyster roast that I went to on Sunday.  

This is the plantation house on whose grounds the festival was held. You may recognize it from Gone With the Wind. 

 
Here is where the massive oyster cooking occurs.

 

She was one of the contestants in the oyster eating contest. She didn't win. 

  

All the shells get recycled to be used as new habitat for oysters,

  The shucked product ready to eat.

And there was even some elephant ears (guess who is eating this one?) and other great food for those who didn't want oysters. The local Restaurant Association prepares a lot of good stuff for this event.

This year there were about 11, 000 people at the festival.   And the proceeds go to help a number of local charities.  That's a really good thing.

I was still tired from the weekend. So after the conference, I went home which is located on an island next to the one where the conference was held.  I slept for 9 hours which was luxurious.  Today I feel much more rested. 

Tonight I'm going to a meeting and having dinner with a sponsee before the meeting.  We will continue our discussion on Step Four.  This step takes some time in Al-Anon.  He is working through the Step Four work book Blueprint for Progress. I can remember his fear when someone told him at a meeting that "It is too hard to write all that stuff down. These questions bring up things from the past that are just too painful." 

I assured him that it wasn't bad.  And that this inventory is for those of us who are entirely willing. The painful parts of the past are in our heads anyway, whether we write them down or not.  Writing out the answers to the questions is not meant to be a new Stephen King novel but will reveal those things which are already known to us.  This is a “fact-finding and fact-facing process.” (BB p64).

I found that this step helped me to unlock the memories that I wanted to forget.  By letting those old memories see the light of day, I saw that there was a new way to deal with things--without fear and without having to repeat the past.

In the book, Courage to Change,  there is a reference to Step 4 and self-esteem. Any resistance that I may have about this step (or any other) may be something that I need to examine.  I am thankful that my sponsees have been willing and courageous to move forward with this step.  It is not a novel that we are writing.  It is the truth about ourselves. 

This is an honest program

All the talk on news shows about racism has made me examine my own thoughts on the subject. I have always considered myself to be open minded and yes...liberal in my ideas. I like to think that I don't judge people and have great compassion for others.

But this is an honest program. And in doing an inventory of myself last night, I realize that there are some elements of racism within myself. And that I do have some judgmental thoughts. These are not thoughts of hatred or dislike but thoughts that come up almost as a reflex when I see an interracial couple, or young men with baggy pants hanging out on street corners. These same thoughts of judgment come up when I see a morbidly obese person. And yes, when I see two men kissing there is a bit of feeling uncomfortable. I don't like this about myself. So I decided to look deeper at some of the reasons.

I suppose the overriding factor is that I have been exposed to the stereotyping of others. I grew up in the South where there were lots of racial tensions. I believe that the element of fearing those who are different from me and viewing them in a "less than" way was something that I heard a lot about on TV, in schools, and even in the church. It's almost as if there is a hypocritical thought process that occurs--yes, you are my equal but only up to a point.

The south that I grew up in and inhabit today continues to hold up white America and its cultural values as the right, good, and ideal. I hear it all around me, not overtly, but with insidious overtones. I think that being self-righteous is dangerous. It is designed to create discontent and can lead to making people feel that they are "less than". I know because I have felt "less than" over many years. And that is why I developed an attitude of self-hatred as well.

Thankfully, I know in my mind and heart that no race is superior to another because superiority amongst any race, culture, gender, class or even individual doesn't exist. We are all God's children and we are one species Homo sapiens. But there are differences in culture, religion, artistic expression, and a host of other attributes that make us who we are. I find that when I accept the differences, embrace them, and am in awe of them my judgments disappear.

Just as I don't sit around and contemplate whether the oak is more beautiful than the maple or the lion more powerful than the tiger, I realize that there is much good that comes from having diversity in nature and in our cultures. I don't fear diversity in nature, in fact I find it fascinating. I realize that the differences amongst us humans teach me much more than if we all had the same thoughts, ideals, intellect, and culture.

So my self-realization and inventory showed me that I need to continue to work on accepting and not judging. I do know that if I let fear, ignorance and hate separate me from others, I am not practicing the principles of the program in my life. It is only by embracing others with open mindedness that I'll be able to garner the appreciation, respect, and awe for not only the differences that exist among us but also for the uniqueness that exists in myself.

Sexual inventory

I was reading Mr. Sponsor Pants today and thought that I would call attention to his excellent post (most of his posts are all excellent by the way) on a newcomer wanting sex with someone in the AA fellowship. I'm not going to recap his response here as you can read it and absorb it for yourself.

I was thinking though about the sexual inventory part of the fourth step. My sponsor had me do my fourth step using the Big Book method as well as Al-Anon's Blueprint for Progress. The fourth step as described in the Big Book lays out the inventory of sexual conduct in a thorough manner:

"We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.

In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test-was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.

Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. in meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it" from How It Works, Alcoholics Anonymous.

I wrote out my inventory thinking that Mr. Brown looked pretty good compared to my story. After writing out my fourth step I had planned to take it to a meeting with my sponsor so that we could discuss it. But for some strange reason that I will never fathom (God's plan not mine?), I left that inventory on the counter at home.

Later during the day, my wife was doing something in the kitchen and the inventory papers were knocked off the counter. Guess what page was on top when she picked up the papers off the floor? Yep, the sexual inventory. Right there. Laid out in great detail. Every past relationship with names and my conduct in the relationship.

I remember the look on her face when I got home that evening. I remember the feeling of regret and shame that I felt as well. I'm not going into further details here, but it was a hurtful experience.

Yet, that experience also brought with it an opportunity to heal by getting information out in the open. What was immediately hurtful became truthful. I think that my acknowledgment on paper of my part helped us both to see the healing and humility of the fourth step. We didn't retread that path, and in many ways it was an opportunity to do a living amends.

Not all roads lead to Rome

One of my sponsees made a decision last night to not continue with the steps. He has a spiritual program, practices spiritual meditation, and has a spiritual leader. He just got back from a retreat and has come away with a great sense of renewal. Now he will devote more time to his spiritual practice.

I was taken aback by his deciding to not continue. I didn't have a clue. We were working on Step Four. In Al-Anon, we work this step using the work book Blueprint for Progress. There are many chapters in this workbook, each with over 30 questions. It took me at least four months to get through it.

After he told me that he had begun to feel reluctant about continuing with working Step Four and had decided not to continue, I felt my ego take charge and immediately place blame on the process. The damn workbook is too long. There are too many questions. Maybe he's right and doing spiritual meditation is all anyone needs. These thoughts flashed through my head while a large hole began to open up in my gut.

My old friend rejection had come back and was slicing and dicing my insides. I had the presence of mouth, not mind, to tell the sponsee that it was okay for him to do what he felt he needed to continue in recovery. I didn't try to convince him to keep going with Al-Anon because I knew that there was nothing that I could say to convince him. He had made up his mind.

He gave me a CD to listen to entitled There is Nothing Wrong with You. I listened to it on the way back from the meeting. It has a lot of good stuff there. And is so far very complementary to what I've heard in Al-Anon. Listening to this CD made me realize that there are many ways to reach serenity.

I know what worked for me, and I know the steps that I took. I did what I was told by my sponsor. I was willing to go to any length. I know that there is no easier, softer way. I also recognize that the determination and yes, even the intellect of some is greater than others. I've seen people in the rooms who are brilliant, and I've seen others who aren't. Maybe a fourth step from the Big Book would not be as daunting to some as the Blueprint for Progress. Maybe one wrench doesn't fit all nuts.

Fourth step meeting

We had a great meeting on Step Four last night at my home group. We discussed these points about this step:

• In approaching Step 4 after working Steps 1, 2, and 3, I am not able to look inside myself and make a list of things that I find positive and wonderful about myself.
• In approaching Step 4, I am now able to look inside myself and make a list of negative things that I have thought about myself.
• I am now able to look inside myself and see the things that I have done that have hurt others, no matter how small the incident.
• I am now willing to be honest about my attitude--whenever negative thoughts trigger resentments within my spirit.
• I am now able to see the things I have done that have caused other grief, even though it may have been only a small part.
  
• I am willing to write down a list of positive things about myself.
• I am now willing to be honest and list my shortcomings and character defects.
• I am now willing to make a simple list of things about myself that I consider good and not so good.
• I am willing to acknowledge that working this step will set me free from the obsession of having made bad choices or errors in judgment.
• I can now acknowledge that this inventory is merely a list of things about myself and that I can talk honestly about them and put them behind me as part of my past.
  

I learned from doing my Step Four that I was really hard on myself. I know that I need to be gentle with myself now. My defects ran my life, but by facing my fears and resentments, they seemed to loosen their hold on me. I recognize my defects and can work on them.

I needed this meeting last night. I had been feeling anxious yesterday. I heard one of the members share last night that her life is filled with contentment and peace. I wasn't filled with that last night and acknowledged my feelings. It felt good to talk about my fears.

And like a miracle, this morning I felt relieved of my anxiety. Maybe it was sharing about what was bothering me. Maybe it was getting the rest that I needed last night. Maybe it was the prayer that I said before sleeping. I'm just grateful to be in a better place today.

Enlightenment

We shall not cease from exploration,
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive from where we started
And know the place for the first time.
--T. S. Eliot

Enlightenment is defined as education that results in understanding and the spread of knowledge. For Buddhists, it is also considered a blessed state in which the individual transcends desire and suffering and attains Nirvana.

For me, enlightenment has come through being in this program. I not only have come to understand more about myself by working the steps, especially Step Four. But I've come to have a more spiritual feeling. It isn't Nirvana for me yet but I'm at least not suffering as much as I used to.

I have looked for enlightenment throughout my life. I thought that I'd find it in books and was enlightened in many ways. I gained intellectual knowledge but not necessarily wisdom.

Gaining wisdom doesn't come easily and lasting enlightenment in the sense of Nirvana isn't something that many of us achieve. I think that my enlightenment comes as moments of clarity. I know that the journey that I'm on is moving me further along the path to enlightenment. Even though I still have those times when problems and crises arise, those can be seen as preparation for moving another step along the path to enlightenment.

Fourth month, fourth step

My home group meeting last night was on Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. We talked about the willingness to inventory ourselves in order to make progress in recovery.

When I did my inventory for Step Four, I did feel pain as I relived reasons for resentments that I felt. And it was hard to acknowledge that my attitudes had alienated me from others and from myself, as the person that I wanted to be. It was hard for me to realize that I had many positive attributes.

One of the things that we did last night was to talk about being willing to acknowledge the positive things about ourselves as well as the negative. It was hard for some of the members to list many positive things. Most of us tend to concentrate on our character defects. We are more comfortable emphasizing what's wrong with us.

But a moral inventory means the right and wrong things. Add to that the idea of being fearless and the inventory becomes a powerful and beneficial thing. As long as I'm willing to examine my strengths, weaknesses, self-destructive behaviors and aspects of goodness, I can begin to change for the better.

I think that the foundation of the first three steps is critical in doing an inventory. I had to face my powerlessness and the inability to manage my own life before I did the inventory. And I turned to my belief in a Higher Power who could restore me to sanity as I worked Step Four.

It was important that I left nothing out as I did Step Four. I had to be honest and get rid of my denial about what was hurting me and others. The purpose of Step Four is not to make ourselves feel worse, but to begin to remove those things that block out joy and love.

I've come to accept that I have good and bad traits. I know that there is a beast within. But I'm not afraid or fearful of those parts of myself that are untamed. I like my spirit, energy and vitality. I like that my beast can let go of complicated thoughts at times and just enjoy simple pleasures. I guess that I don't have much desire to be a castrated angel.

If not for the beast within us we would be castrated angels.
--Hermann Hesse

Moody Monday

Maybe it's just the fact that I'm back at work after a great weekend. Or maybe it's that today is my dad's birthday and some sadness that he is no longer here. And then it could be that I learned this morning that one of my favorite employees has decided to take another position that is a step up (who can blame her?). At any rate, I'm struggling to stay focused on my gratitude and not slip into feeling down and out.

I am grateful for having a wonderful weekend that I shared with the person I love. I'm grateful for all the birthdays that I spent with my father before he died. And I'm grateful for having had a great employee for 7 years who has been an asset not only to my department but to the agency as a whole.

I guess that I like the certitude in things. I don't like to think about losses or endings. I've never liked to change houses, change jobs, or do any of the many other things that involve ending something and moving onto something else. I must be a creature of habit. Or I must have fears that stem from losing someone or something. I know the latter is true because of my Fourth and Fifth Steps. The truth is I miss people when they leave.

I do have an AA and Al-Anon Christmas party to go to tonight. It should be good. I'm just doing my best to think gratitude and not sorrow.

Letting go of past hurts

The topic in today's meeting was letting go of past hurts. I used to be really stuck in the past but over the past several months, I've come to realize how the steps have helped me to let things go. It started with Step Four when I wrote out my resentments and fears and looked at how I contributed to those things in my dealings with people, many of whom were from my past.

It got better when I did Step Five with my sponsor. It was a relief just to discuss my life and the way I've felt with someone else. And now with Step Nine, I'm seeing that it's possible to feel unchained from all the stuff that dragged me down. That's not to say that sometimes my mind doesn't go back to the old way of thinking, it's just that I'm able to get myself back to where I need to be through recognizing what I'm feeling. It seems that I'm able to look at what I've done and think of it as a part of my life history, both the good and the bad, that has formed who I am. What I can be rid of is the guilt, the resentment, the self-pity that used to bury me in the past. I think that working the steps has provided the best way for me to let go of the past and just focus on this moment and this day.

"I wanted to forget the past, but it refused to forget me; it waited for sleep, then cornered me." Margaret Atwood

Lessons

"If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson." Robert Burney

In writing the sex relations part of my Fourth Step, I started thinking back over the past romantic relationships. I've been thinking since I wrote the names down and what I did and what harms I caused, that many of those relationships were just part of the lessons in life. I wanted to find out what it was like to be with someone and to share things with them. I wanted to have sex and experiment with all that entails. I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing but it is a lesson and part of the drive that keeps us going. And it is an enormously powerful biological drive.

Tangled up in all of that are expectations both from me and from the other person. Some of those expectations are fueled by the culture that surrounds us. There were the fairy tales that we all knew about with Prince Charming. There was also the music that I listened to that went on and on about love and having a relationship. I may be an AC/DC type of guy but every rocker seems to have love and sex as favorite lyrics. Then there are also all the TV shows and the movies that have couples promising undying love to each other. It's hard not to become obsessed with love and make the person you love your Higher Power.

I know that when I met my SO, I was addicted. It wasn't hard to be and it was as potent as any other addiction. I didn't have a very good foundation from which to learn that making another person your HP wasn't a good idea. Growing up with parents who displayed very little outward affection for each other made me wonder about love and relationships. I never saw my parents kiss or hug each other. I know that they loved each other but it just seemed hard to imagine them having sex. They seemed so disinterested.

So I didn't have much of a foundation from which to understand that the idea of having to have someone else to complete me wasn't real. Now I realize that the romantic notions about relationships was something that I concocted in my search for finding love. Making someone else my HP sets me up for all kinds of expectations that really doom the relationship. I know now that being in a relationship takes work. There are good times and there are times that are very painful and sad. If the painful and sad outweigh the good times though, there is something wrong. There are no guarantees about whether a relationship is going to last either. Sometimes, it just dissolves because people change and move on to some other plane.

I've learned from many relationships, both good and bad, that no other person can be my HP. And I've learned that nothing lasts forever when people are involved. A valuable lesson is to look back at the relationships that didn't last or that weren't good and from that I find out what a good relationship is. These are the lessons that I've learned.

The frenzy of leaving

I sent around an email yesterday telling staff what my schedule was for the rest of May and June. It involves my being gone to sea for much of that time, something that I really like but obviously something that struck a chord with others. Not long after my email went out, there were phone calls and knocks on my office door. There was a lot of discussion about other work projects and getting those done. One of my staff S. seemed put out that I was going to be leaving because the logistics of getting the cruise gear together was going to involve a couple of people that he didn't think could be spared because of another project. Ahhh.... don't you love Mondays when the panic button gets pushed by others and you're expected to join in?

Anyway, after a few more frantic phone calls from S., I could feel the resentment get a hook in me. There it was, like one of those worm creatures from a sci-fi movie, working its way into my brain. I could just feel my good humor and happiness evaporate. All I could think of was the number of workshops, conferences and other cruises that I had approved for staff to attend, while I sat back in the office. Somewhere along the way, the thoughts about "what a bunch of ingrates" took over.

So after having those nasty thoughts for a few minutes, I walked out of my office and outside. I looked over at the water, walked around for a few minutes, said a few words to my HP and then grabbed my stuff, shut my door and left. I listened to a Step Four study on resentment on my IPod as I was driving to the evening meeting. As I concentrated on what was being said, I could feel the anger and resentment leaving. By the time I got to the meeting, I was feeling good again.

I am always amazed at how quickly I can assimilate a resentment, but I am equally amazed at how things I've learned in my program help me to look at what I did to invite the resentment in. I think that I have some guilt over leaving, thinking that it's not okay for me to do something that I enjoy. It's the same old replay of my "responsibility" tapes. So after mulling it over, I decided that I was going to go on the ship, enjoy the work, and let the staff take care of things at the office in their usual competent way. That's progress for me, not perfection.

Attitude

Last night's discussion was on attitude. I've generally always had a positive attitude but there have been many times that I've had to fake it or react. Those were the dark times when things were going downhill and my SO's attitude really was bad. I let my attitude at that time be dictated by another person. When she was in a bad mood and angry, then I was also angry. Sometimes I would try to be cheerful, but I really felt wounded and dead on the inside.

I never really understood until coming into Al-Anon that I alone had control over my attitude. It is up to me to be as miserable or as cheerful as I want to be. I've found that by thinking about something positive even when there is a lot of turmoil, I can get myself out of a bad place so much quicker than I did before. What I shared at the meeting was that if I take my own inventory and not that of the other person, then I can see which dark place I'm heading towards and get out. Last night, a lady came up to me after the meeting and said that she was always glad to see me because I seemed to enjoy life so much. She had been fairly down in her sharing at the meeting. It seems that what I project can not only be helpful to me but appears to rub off on others. In short, I'm getting back what I project.

Love and service

I put Dr. Bob's last message below because it seems appropriate for me at the moment. I'll keep the details to a minimum. I found out last night that someone that I've been helping in the program has lied to me. The lie was about his going to a meeting when he didn't. Not an earth shattering lie by any means or one that impacts my life. Yet, I must have had some expectations about the truth because I realized as soon as I found out about the lie that I felt resentment. I trusted that this individual was being straight with me. It's not about what the lie was because whether he goes to a meeting is up to him. I'm not the meeting police or his sponsor. However, I did feel angry that he had lied to me.

Maybe this isn't a big deal, and I'm making too much of it but what feels right to me is that I need to distance myself from this person. I find lying to be unacceptable. I feel as if I've been manipulated. I was trusting and wanted to give a hand to someone who seemed to want it. I know that I still want to help but am having a hard time with trust at the moment. I know that I have a choice to be with those who are healthy to be around and those who will drain me if I let them.

When I read the words that Dr.Bob spoke, I am confused. His words embody what I think these programs are about. Yet, I now see the danger for me in being too trusting. I also can see that I wanted to believe that I could help someone. So, it's back to Steps One and Four for me and in doing my inventory I found that my altruism was self-seeking because by helping someone else I could feel better about myself. Actually, today I feel glad that I did that inventory last night and immediately saw where I was wrong. I realize once again that I need to take care of myself and take my own inventory when things don't feel right. At this point I will quit the analysis and just yield to those of you who have more experience than I in these issues.

"Our 12 Steps, when simmered down to the last, resolve themselves into the words love and service. We understand what love is and we understand what service is. So let's bear those two things in mind.

Let us also remember to guard that erring member - the tongue, and if we must use it, let's use it with kindness and consideration and tolerance.

And one more thing; none of us would be here today if somebody hadn't taken time to explain things to us, to give us a little pat on the back, to take us to a meeting or two, to have done numerous little kind and thoughtful acts in our behalf. So let us never get the degree of smug complacency so that we're not willing to extend or attempt to, that help which has been so beneficial to us, to our less fortunate brothers."
Dr. Bob, delivered at the first international conference of Alcoholics Anonymous at Cleveland, Ohio in 1950

Wishing that I were else where today

You and me
Sittin' in the back of my memory
Like a honey bee
Buzzin' 'round a glass of sweet Chablis
Radio's on
Windows rolled up
And my mind's rolled down
Headlights shining
Like silver moons
Rollin' on the ground

We made love
In every way love can be made
And we made time
Look like time
Could never fade
Friday Night
We both made the guitar hum
Saturday made Sunday feel
Like it would never come

Gonna be a long Monday
Sittin' all alone on a mountain
By a river that has no end
Gonna be a long Monday
Stuck like the tick of a clock
That's come unwound - again

Soul to soul
Heart to heart
And cheek to cheek
Come on baby
Give me a kiss
That'll last all week

The thought of you leavin' again
Brings me down
The promise of
Your sweet love
Brings me around

It's gonna be a long Monday
Sittin' all alone on a mountain
By a river that has no end
It's gonna be a long Monday
Stuck like the tick of a clock
That's come unwound - again
And again

Lyrics by John Prine, Long Monday

It's a Monday for sure with all the Monday attitude as well. I'm looking out my window at the water and wishing that I were on it instead of having to get ready for a conference this week. I had an exhausting weekend both mentally and physically.

On Saturday I asked a friend to meet me in the afternoon to listen to a local band and look at some boats. This is a person with whom I've enjoyed a close friendship before going into the program. After finding out that I was going to Al-Anon and that my priorities were shifting, there has been much less comraderie between us. I feel a palpable distance now. At first, I thought maybe there was some judgment thrown in but decided that may be my projection.

What I decided to accept is that it isn't my problem. I've been honest and open about the home situation and made an effort to keep the friendship going. If it isn't going any further, then that's okay. I can't control that. I examined my feelings and think that whatever is going on is with the other person who appears none too happy at the moment and is obsessed with work. I'm in a different place which is where I need to be now.

On Sunday night, I went to an Al-Anon meeting and heard an anniversary story by one of the ladies in the group. She's had 13 years in the program and is doing well. Although I could identify with some of what she said, I felt that I needed to hear something different last night. I told my sponsor this morning that I probably needed the rougher edges of the AA group last night. Maybe because I was in a rough place myself or I just needed something to smack me in the face with a different dose of reality.

I got the uncomfortable feeling once again that this particular Al-Anon meeting is dominated by one person. Most of the people at this meeting are sponsored by the same person. I've voiced concerns about the controlling behavior before in blog posts and last night it was there again. I know from Step Four that I have a problem with controlling and being controlled. So I just listened and was thankful that the program has helped me to recognize how I used to control and how I need to be aware of that shortcoming. It still feels bad to me when I see control in action; however, I'm glad to be able to talk to my sponsor about it and let it go. I'm looking forward to more Step Four work tonight and my home group meeting afterwards.

I'm hoping a good workout at the gym during lunch will boost my energy for the afternoon work.

Working on Step Four

I'm continuing my work with my sponsor on Step Four. The Al-Anon way of working this step is similar to that of AA in that the focus is on me. Thus, I'm not taking an inventory of another person or what is wrong with them. Instead I'm writing down information about my character traits that could be called "defects of character" and determining how these have become ingrained in my life and which ones need to be gotten rid of.

Because I have a very wise and kind sponsor, I feel comfortable taking a good look at myself with total honesty yet without self recrimination. The Al-Anon book that I'm using in this process is called Blueprint for Progress. It's a sixty-two page booklet that has a series of questions on topics such as fear, resentment, anger, honesty, etc. Here's an example of the ones on resentment which is a big one for both AA and Al-Anon members:

1.Are there any people or organizations from childhood that I stilll feel angry with today?

2.With the people I resent the most, what part did I play in the original events that happened?

3.How did I feel about the way my family dealt with angry situations?

4. Who are the people in my life that I resent the most?

5. What bothered me about the people I resent most?

6. How do I treat those that I resent?

Plus, many more questions about personal conduct, etc.

My findings on resentment were that I know that I have expectations of others that are unrealistic.I expect them to be mind readers and do things as I have planned.But they have a mind of their own and I can’t impose my will on others.I need to have respect for others and realize that they have their own lives to live.

So far, I've found my work on Step Four hasn't been hard for me. The inventory is supposed to be both searching and fearless. I'm not being asked, at this stage, to judge or to change anything, just to notice and record what is. I've answered the questions as honestly as I can bringing up some very painful things but also a lot of good things as well.

Although my behavioral adaptations have undoubtedly been influenced by alcoholism, I can't blame everything on that. My mother's severe depression, my own genetic makeup, my relationship with other family members, and my life experiences have all shaped me. For me, this step is about identifying what I need to work on to become a contented person who is happy within my own skin. I certainly have more than an inkling of defects that I have. I don't mind being totally honest about these things.

" Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory ur faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight." from Alcoholics Anonymous

First meeting on Step Four

I met with my sponsor last night to start my Step Four inventory. We went over a lot of resources including the AA Big Book, the AA 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, the Al-Anon 12 and 12, and the Al-Anon Blue Print for Progress. After looking over the latter, I see that there are many questions that will require a great deal of thought, honesty and courage. It's really ante up time for me. No BS and no spin--just straight talk and thought.

I'm still filled with a sense of well being after the meeting last night. For once, it seems that I am able to see how powerful it can be to put the focus on my self and not be caught up in the tension and fear about another. It feels like I am letting go more each day and not being blocked by thoughts of control. I also have this feeling of trust and love that makes me feel very calm. I pray that the feeling will continue.

After the step meeting, I went to the regular Al-Anon meeting where the topic was communication. That has never been an issue for me but the lack of good communication has just about ruined my marriage. I never wanted to go to bed angry or wake up without a kiss. Living with an alcoholic basically shot those fantasties down. I also wanted to talk through issues and not have them fester into resentments. My alcoholic is very passive though and would choose not to be straightforward. Instead, I would get the silent treatment or a non-committal statement except after a drunk when there would be a lot of remorse and contrition. Over the years, this got to be tiresome as I gave up on believing in the promises offered and lack of response to attempts at really communicating. Eventually, I got to the point that it didn't matter anymore. Now, we are learning to communicate more openly and in a true dialogue. I'm not sure how this will all play out in the long term but it is a step in the right direction.

A day off

I had the day off from work today so I spent it doing some of the things that I like to do. I went to the beach in the morning and walked with one of the dogs. It was a brisk day but it felt good to be outside walking and watching the ships go by in the channel. Today I felt moments of sheer joy and so much serenity, largely because of listening to the peacefulness that came out of the meeting last night. Listening to my sponsor made me realize that there is a way out of all the insanity and pain. I know intellectually that there is but the old adaptations that I have developed around the pain have fit me like a glove for so long that it is hard to put them aside. My need for those things is as real as the drink for the alcoholic or the drugs for the addict. But for the moment I am feeling happy and without expectations or fears.

I have my first meeting on Step Four tonight. I want to keep my positive attitude going and not let myself sink into a mire of self pity. Going over the past isn't always a happy thing for me so I will have to work hard at letting my HP take over and trust that there will be no fear.

I have come to accept that there is a power greater than myself. I've had too many coincidences and been saved from troubles too many times not to believe that there is a HP watching over me. I know that when I slip and let my fears consume me, I make my alcoholic the Higher Power. The alcoholic has no ability or desire to be put in that vaulted role. Always, I need to take my focus off the alcoholic and put it on myself.

Step Four

I've been thinking quite a bit about step four which I'm about to begin. In Al-Anon there is a work book that is used to help with this step which is a "searching and fearless moral inventory" to include resentments, fears, harms to others, and sexual conduct. I've heard that some people fear this step. For me, I'm looking forward to doing this work. I've been to therapists and told them my story. With Al-Anon, I think that this step will be more helpful than going to a therapist because I'll be focusing on the attitudes, thoughts, beliefs, fears, actions, behaviors, and the behavior patterns that have caused my failure to deal with the alcoholic and many other aspects of my life. I also understand that Step Four is a repetitive thing as are all the steps. Hopefully, I'll get new insight into why I so often feel defeated, discontented and often so empty.

I know that there are people that I resent. Primary on that list will be the alcoholic. But I also realize that it is the disease that I dislike so much as my qualifier is one of the best people that I know.

What do I fear? I fear a slip. I fear loss of the ones that I love. I don't fear for myself, yet I probably should have a fear for loss of myself and my own well-being. That is what I need to work on--taking care of myself and fearing for my own sanity.

The harms that I have done to others will make quite a list. I have been selfish, resentful, jealous, bitter, and aloof many times. I've put way too much emphasis on work and not enough on just having fun. I've harmed myself in as many ways as I've harmed others.

Sexual conduct is an area of the inventory where I will need courage and strength. Working this step is a matter of trust also. My inclination is to be ashamed of thoughts and actions around this topic. But like eating my first oyster, it's best to take a deep breath, swallow and not chew on this topic for too long.

God grant me the strength....