Questions about coping with an alcoholic spouse

I received this comment the other day:
"I need help coping with my alcoholic wife. I hardly speak to her anymore, not sure if I love her, getting sick and tired of the antics that surround the drinking, manipulation and embarrassment. Trying to answer questions from my 7 year old daughter, "why is Mommy acting funny again?" or, "Mommy's being rude".

I don't know where to begin. I have an alcoholic wife who we will call Samantha or Sam for short. When Sam's not drinking she is very un-pleasant, doesn't say one positive word to anyone if she speaks at all. She uses her alcoholic behavior to get what she wants or what she believes will solve the problem. We have been married for 14 years. I was a social drinker then so we had a lot of fun, but I started to notice she was more than a social drinker and started making comments about slowing down. God forbid that I asked a question like that! The subject is not up for discussion sober or otherwise. Her parents are both alcoholics so they are no help. We tried to have children for several years depleting our savings account with fertility Drs. to no avail. She was saying things like "if we have a child I will quit drinking because I will have a purpose, or "if you buy the house with a few acres we can have horses then I'll stop drinking" and so on. We successfully adopted a beautiful baby girl at birth 7 years ago. Now I have realized all the enabling I have done and I'm so mad at myself for bringing this little girl into this mess.

Sam isn't very pleasant until she has a few drinks, then becomes somewhat pleasant until she has more than a few and becomes unreasonable and difficult to deal with. She starts arguments with my daughter and I close myself off in another room and try to ignore the situation which eventually spirals out of control at which time I lose my temper at both of them.

I have started to threaten Sam that I can't live in this environment any longer and she needs help. She reluctantly went to a counselor for 5 or 6 weeks to discuss her issues but that has stopped. Sam tells me that the counselor says she doesn't have a drinking problem and that the problem is that I am such an asshole. She even went to a few AA meetings only to come home and get drunk.

I'm out of patience and considering divorce. I have worked so hard for everything we have and hate to think about losing it all in a costly divorce but something had to happen. Sam doesn't want to get help so is it time to back up the idle threats by actually leaving?

This is my first time reaching out to anyone or writing on a blog so I'm not sure what I doing here."

First off, thank you for reaching out.  That was one of the hardest things for me to do.  I thought for so many years that I could handle what ever was happening. I had to because I certainly didn't want to let anyone know what was going on at home.  I was filled with shame and wanted to cover up the drinking.

I think that you are hoping to get some answers.  I can tell you what worked for me.  When my wife was actively drinking, she too denied that she had a problem. She refused to get help and lied about how much she was drinking.  But, I could tell her exactly how much she had and frequently did.  My nagging her about drinking only made her angry.  I didn't accomplish anything except to make her more unreasonable and irritable when I asked her not to drink.

So after many years of nagging and worrying, I finally got to the point that I started to not care about her.  She was becoming more of a problem to me because her actions were causing me to also be angry and unreasonable.  She wouldn't do anything I wanted! No matter what I tried, she simply wouldn't stop. After one particularly terrible evening at a party where she got drunk and drove off, leaving me to walk home, I decided I had enough.

I told her that I was going to move out.  I wasn't angry when I told her this, simply resolved.  I knew that I was at the end of my ability to cope with alcoholism.  So I told her that I didn't want to live with active alcoholism and that I was going to get an apartment.  I didn't mention divorce, although that was certainly in my mind.  I simply wanted to get away from her.

She became hysterical and begged me not to leave.  She asked if I loved her.  I said that I wasn't sure.  She asked what she could do to get me to stay. I didn't know, but mentioned that a good friend who had been sober for many years told me to tell her that if she would go to AA and really work the program, she would come to know great happiness.  But the other part of the message was that I needed to go to Al-Anon because I was suffering from the effects of her drinking.

So I told her what I was going to do regarding going to Al-Anon.  I also reiterated what my friend said about AA.  She agreed to go.  I went to Al-Anon. We decided to give our marriage another try.  But I set a boundary that I would not live with active alcoholism.  I believe that she was ready to quit drinking because she has not had a drink since before that first meeting nearly 9 years ago.

Our marriage is much better than it has ever been because we have mutual respect for each other.  It has taken a lot of work in the programs of AA and Al-Anon for us to be where we are now.

I do believe that you have to speak your truth to Sam.  Trying to get her to stop drinking is not going to work, but telling her what you are going to do to take care of yourself may actually get her attention.  There is a saying in Al-Anon that "changed attitudes can aid recovery".  I can attest that is true.  My changed attitude of taking care of me and not focusing on what my wife was doing helped our marriage.

So my suggestion to you is to go to several Al-Anon meetings.  You will find people there who will understand what you are dealing with.  I tell people to try at least six meetings to see if Al-Anon is right for them.  Hopefully, you will hear what you need in order to put the focus on you and your children.

Finally, I want to share one of my favorite readings from Al-Anon literature. This is from the book From Survival to Recovery (pg. 269):
"If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the Twelve steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we are both worthy of love and loving. We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return. Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. We will be able to risk failure to develop new, hidden talents.

Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope to share with others. We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but we will not be a slave to them. Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame. As we gain the ability to forgive ourselves, our families, and the world, our choices will expand. With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows. Serenity and peace will have meaning for us as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God's ease, balance and grace. No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in life's paradox, mystery and awe. We will laugh more. Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

Can we really grow to such proportions? Only if we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness.

Will we arrive? Feel joyful all the time? Have no cruelty, tragedy, or injustice? Probably not, but we will acquire growing acceptance of our human fallibility as well as greater love and tolerance for each other. Self-pity, resentment, martyrdom, rage, and depression will fade into memory. Community rather than loneliness will define our lives. We will know that we belong, we are welcome, we have something to contribute-and that is enough."

Taking time to breathe

Time has slipped away from me once again in a string of days.  I am having the time of my life.  Not being in a demanding job has freed me up in a lot of ways. I'm no longer scheduled in my life.  Blogging used to be on a schedule of a daily write.  I don't feel the need to do that anymore.  And I don't feel guilty. Well....maybe a little because I wonder what each of you is doing and if you are okay. 

My hobbies of sailing and riding and working out at the gym keep me physically fit and sane.  My service in Al-Anon keeps me spiritually fit in a compassionate and humble way.  And I have the usual life stuff to do like car maintenance, yard work, gardening, house chores--I hate calling them honey do's because I live here and share the house with an amazing person so I am glad to do my part in our partnership.  

I love everything I do, but I also need time to not do anything and just be. The boat is my best escape for that.  No people around--just me, the waves and the wind. If I don't get that time to myself, then I can feel the gypsy soul take over. I need the recharge time to be the free spirit that I now embrace.  

Having been a driven scientist for decades, I hardly know that person now.  Who was that guy? He thought that what he was working on was the most important thing.  He had to publish a certain number of papers every year and get multiple grants.  He had to do a lot of administrative BS that felt like sheer drudgery. He sat in an office overlooking a beautiful harbor and hardly ever looked out the window.  Most every day, he was tied to the computer, analyzing data and writing.  It was hard to shake off the harness and simply be free. Add to that the stress of living with an alcoholic, and life was not a lot of fun.  

I now take time to breathe.  I have space in my life now.  I make the space and the time to do what I feel is good for my mental and spiritual health.  I don't know how long I will have the stamina to keep sailing, riding, and cross train. I am hoping that I have at least 20 good years left.  But I don't know about any of that.  I just have this day that's ahead of me.  And it seems good and filled with promise.  

I hope that you have some breathing room in your life.  Some time to just be and refuel your purpose and your spirit. 

Keeping the focus on myself

I have had some good meetings lately with one of the fellows I sponsor.  He is learning how to get his life back after spending years focusing on his son who is an alcoholic and addict. I think that learning to focus on what I am doing and not on the alcoholic was a major turning point for me in my own journey of recovery.

I was told many years ago by a psychiatrist to focus on me and not on my wife. I didn't have a clue what he was talking about. It sounded selfish to focus on me, and I didn't understand how to put it into practice so I ignored the idea. Then, in Al-Anon, it finally came together for me. I understood that I didn't have much of a life because I was focusing every molecule of effort and attention on my wife.

It took me a while to see that focusing on me wasn't selfish. Instead,  it was about my being my own person and my chance at getting my life back. If I don't focus on me, then I too easily lose myself in others. I make them my HP. I also will not address what bothers me or my character defects if I put the focus on someone else.

Our relationship has had many ups and downs over the years, but I have to say that since being in recovery, both of us have come to love each other more than ever. And I am not the angry, resentful, fearful and sad person that I used to be. By taking my own inventory--looking at what my part is--I learned that I was filled with resentment and fear. Now I inventory what I am feeling daily. It is second nature to look at my part. And then I can take appropriate actions to remedy what I have done.

One of the things that the fellow I sponsor is trying to do is have fun.  He has had a lot of trouble extricating himself from the drama surrounding his alcoholic son.  He actually has a hard time thinking of anything positive about himself and can't seem to grasp the concept of doing something fun for himself.

I remember so well that when I was stuck in my misery before recovery that I hated for anyone to ask me what I did for fun.  I would hesitate, feel uncomfortable and generally answer by saying that I liked cycling, running, reading, photography, and gardening. But mostly, I liked to work. The other things that I did were my way of escaping from home and work.  I think some of my happiest times were actually when I was at sea on research vessels and away from home and the lab. 

It feels good today to be able to answer enthusiastically about the things that I like to do.  I finally found more balance in my life where the focus is on what I want to do and not what I have to do.

I am focusing on me when I take time in the morning to have coffee sitting out in the yard and relax instead of going through a mental checklist of what I must get done.  I am focusing on me when I decline to be on boards and committees out of a sense of obligation.  I am focusing on me when I go on the boat for a few days to smell the ocean and listen to the waves and wind. I am focusing on me when I can go to the barn and brush the horses, listening to them breathe or eat hay. 

I know now that my wife and I are individuals and not bound to spend every waking moment together.  We worked together in graduate school and at the same laboratory. We love each other a lot.  But I know that I am not responsible for her happiness.  It's not up to me to solve every problem that she has or to tell her what to do.  

So, if you are thinking that you don't have much of a life because of alcoholism being so prevalent in it, maybe it's time to focus on creating your own bliss and focusing on what you want to do.  Don't put your life on hold waiting for the alcoholic/addict to come around. They either will or they won't. What matters is that each day can be special for you, if you choose to make it so.

A Raw Meeting

This afternoon was the men's meeting. I have missed a few of these get togethers in the summer because of being out of town or being on the boat. But today I made the meeting, and it was a good one. Actually, it was more like a gut wrenching kind of meeting for me.

We were reading and talking about relationships in which one person has invested energy, time and focus on another person to the exclusion of a lot of other aspects of life.  That was me.  I gave up so much to live in a relationship with an alcoholic. I couldn't go to a social function and enjoy myself.  I was on edge because of worry that she would make an ass of herself.  I stayed home most weekends to do work around the house and to keep an eye on my wife. And this went on for decades.

Finally, I had an epiphany that I was dying inside.  It occurred after a birthday party at a friend's house.  My wife got drunk and wanted to drive home. I told her that I didn't want her to drive. She grabbed the keys out of her purse and drove off, leaving me behind.  I was too embarrassed to go inside and tell people what happened. So I walked home.  I believe that this was the moment I realized I couldn't continue in this relationship.  Something needed to change. I needed to start living again.

That low point was the impetus that brought me to Al-Anon.  Since then, I have learned to redirect my focus to do those things that I enjoy.  I have bought two sailboats since then.  I take regular trips, sometimes by myself.  I don't give up things that I want to do because my wife doesn't want to participate.  I love her a lot, but I realize that I have life to live too.  Other people talk about their children and family members.  I don't have any.  All the family is dead now.  So it is important that I keep a momentum going to do activities that bring me joy and peace of mind.

Tonight, I went to see the Rolling Stone movie "Sweet Summer Sun".  It was awesome and definitely a mood elevator.  My wife was at her AA home group meeting.  It felt good, after having an honest and somewhat heart-wrenching meeting this afternoon, to go see a happy movie and watch a bunch of guys who I grew up listening to,  jump about and have a great time (Mrs. Moon--you have got to see this movie.  Keith was up close, personal, and incredibly loud!).

I realize that at times I feel lonely.  But I know that I am loved and feel a great deal of love, even though there are moments when the "isms" of alcoholism still hurt us both.  As I said today, I don't think that there is a better human being than my wife.  I trust her and know that she loves me.  And I have found a way to live life more in balance with myself than ever before.  I have learned that resentment kills love.  I have made amends for my part.  And I make no apologies for living a life with the focus on what I want to do.

Hello Syd

Here is an email I received from a lady who is married to a recovering alcoholic. She gave me permission to share this:

I've recently found your blog while searching for any answer, message, etc to get me to a somewhat peaceful space. I'm grateful to read your good words....I suddenly felt a glimpse of hope & comfort I haven't felt in a very long time.

I've been married to an alcoholic over 20 years. He quit drinking soon after we were married. He works what seems to be a good program, has worked the steps and now has a few sponsees he takes through the steps. We have great kids, have had good success in business (as well as major setbacks), live in a nice suburb and are very involved in our community. The outside is a pretty peachy picture...one that I've always wanted. So why am I so unhappy?

I was instantly drawn to my husband when we met. He was handsome, charming, successful, strong, witty & confident. He was also very social & liked to drink. When we first started dating it seemed ok, even fun, since I also enjoyed one or two on a night out. As we spent more time together I began to notice his drinking was more like a first year frat boy. I confided this to my best friend "He's great! My only concern is that he drinks more than I'm used to" her response, "I don't think you have anything to worry about. He's mainly a social drinker, which is normal. He never gets out of hand". Ok, so it's normal. Nothing to worry about. I can accept that. After all, everything else about him seemed so amazing!

 A few minor things would come up that made me feel uncomfortable. He was very controlling, almost paranoid, about wanting to keep our relationship secret. He yelled at me once for parking my car in front of his house and made me move it to the back - out of site. I didn't like that, so I left. He called and apologized so I saw him the next day. Another time his dog got out the front door. I dashed out to try & get the dog and was yelled at to get back in the house and shut the door. He was angry. "What if someone sees you?!!" Ok, so what if someone sees me? We worked together, so his reason is that he felt he would be fired if management knew we were seeing each other since he was my supervisor (they had no such policy). The underlying message: If he were fired, it would be all my fault. That's the first time "I" took on the responsibility of "his" wellbeing. I took it willingly.....I was in love with this man.

As our relationship progressed I became increasingly unhappy. I started looking for a magic answer to fix things. Not only "what could I do to make/keep him happy" but "what could I do to prevent his anger". Each life change during our relationship gave me hope. Moving out of state, getting engaged, moving back, getting married.....none of these seemed to "do it". I mercilessly blamed myself. If only I were stronger, more patient, more educated, outgoing, etc. etc. Only once a thought crossed my mind that alcohol might be the problem. This was dismissed by well meaning friends. After many nights lying in alone bed while he was passed out on the couch, I was paralyzed with the thought of having to walk away. We were newlyweds. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

One time he had to travel out of town for business. He planned to stay with nearby family members, who happen to be sober and in AA. He opened a bottle of wine the night before his flight and joked, "Guess I'll be dry for a week. They gave me one condition. No drinking during my stay". Three days into the trip, I get a phone call. His family & friends invited him to their home group meeting. He made a choice to get sober. Wow! I listened to his words. I think that was the first sincere conversation we've had. He was scared. I was happy and also scared (or scared to be happy?)

I immediately set out to learn as much as I could about alcoholism, AA, & the steps. If he was starting this journey I wanted to be right there with him to help - as his loving, supportive, nurturing wife. I started having hope again.

Once home, he tried a few meetings & I even went with him to some open meetings. He listened to the speakers. He quickly learned the lingo & slogans. A friend gave him a Big Book. His brother (who had always been cold & distant to us) was so proud and welcomed him back into his life. Being accepted by his brother was huge. He set out to be the perfect student of the program. Hope soon turned to confusion. Things weren't magical like I wished. Anger, frustration, & depression was magnified. I was advised to be patient (haha, patience is my middle name!) I can do that.

Fast forward to today. I'm coming up on a milestone birthday. Our children will be on their own soon. I've had joy in these years. But the pain, suffering and confusion hasn't gotten any better since the beginning. I don't know who I am or what I like anymore. I feel guilty for feeling this way. My husband has managed to stay sober all these years by being involved in AA, but I feel only his sponsees and program friends get to see the best of him. Maybe because as long as I take his blame, he will continue to give it to me. When I want to talk about these feelings he says I'm blaming him for my problems. Then he presents his list: He's stayed sober, works his program, completed anger management, gone to counseling, works hard & is successful at his job. He's done all of these things so I shouldn't complain. My head spins. I beat myself up for my messed up feelings. I feel he is right. They're my issues and I need to figure it out on my own. I cry alone often. I daydream of what life would be like on my own, then cry again for the loss of my marriage, damage to my kids, and the picture that I have of us happily growing old together. Now we walk around the same house and don't talk about feelings. I'm full of sadness & resentments.

Too many years of this. I think I'm finally tired. I don't know what my future will look like. For the first time I realize there is nothing I can do about him (or anyone else). I need to take care of me. I called a trusted friend who is working the steps in Al Anon and he suggested a women's meeting I might start with. I'm going tonight. I'm scared but sensing a glimpse of peace.

Didn't set out to be so long winded...this is the first time I've shared this in detail. Reading your blog has given me clarity. Thanks for listening.
__________________________________________

I understand your story.  I've lived it also.  And you have hit upon the thing that will help--focusing on what brings you joy and taking care of yourself.  Living with an alcoholic, no matter what stage of recovery, can be a challenge. That's why I know that Al-Anon is a life long program for me. I simply need it and can tell when I have been away from a meeting for too long.


I hope that you will continue to work on your recovery from the effects of alcoholism.  It can be lonely living with an alcoholic.  I realize that most of my life, I focused on the alcoholics and not on myself. Now I am no longer doing that.  It takes a while for the message to get through to those we love that they are no longer going to be the center of the universe.  In my marriage, this has helped us to become closer because I am not having the constant expectations that bred resentment.  We talk and share things but can be content with just quietly being together.  I am not looking for her to provide me happiness. That is too much to expect from anyone.

Best wishes to you on going to a meeting and working on your own life.

If you want what we have......

With so many people in pain from the misery of living with an alcoholic, I wonder what it actually takes for them to eventually realize that they too have been affected by the disease.  Yet, day in and day out, they struggle along as a caregiver, angry spouse, unhappy person who puts on so many masks to the world so the world won't know how much pain and sadness the person has.

Leah Odze Epstein in Drinking Diaries tells what she found at a meeting and what she didn't find:

There, in that room, I finally found people who got it–who felt like me, alone and alienated most of the time, except there, in that room, when they told their stories. I felt those people could help me, if I let them. But I couldn’t bring myself to go back to that depressing room.

Nearly a decade later, plagued by some of the same issues that seem to haunt adult children of alcoholics (control issues? Check. Accept nothing less than perfection? Check. Alienated? Yup), I went to another Al-Anon meeting in the suburbs. Again with the dimly lit room. Again with the hard chairs. Again with the basement. Were we trying to re-create our childhood suffering through the setting? I didn’t get it.

There were only eight of us sitting in a circle, and I was the youngest. No one smoked or drank coffee. The energy in the room was flat. I couldn’t breathe. But I sat there and listened to the forty-something woman with the twisted hands talk about her crippling rheumatoid arthritis and her nightmare mother. I listened to the nearly 300 pound man talk about his bad mother, too. And the woman whose lips barely moved when she, too, spoke of her evil mother.

I never went back to Al-Anon after that. I’m not saying it’s not a lifesaver for many people. I’m sure it is. Still…

Sometimes, I fantasize about the kind of meeting I might like to attend. First off, I wouldn’t call it a meeting. Maybe a Girl’s Night Out. There would be women my age, maybe a bit younger, some a bit older. The women would be smart and funny. Some would have battle scars, but they’d talk about them with humor. Maybe we’d laugh until we cried, sharing our stories, and how we turned out after all that craziness. I picture sitting in a warm cozy place, maybe on a red velvet couch–My fantasy Al-Anon meeting takes place in a restaurant, or a bar.

I know that not all meetings are healthy ones. I have been to many that were not in line with the Traditions. I attended one a couple of days ago in which there was a lot of crosstalk and the main topic was suicide and not those related to alcohol. I shared about how low being affected by my wife's drinking had brought me--to the point where I didn't care if I lived or died and was contemplating my own death.  Sometimes, what we say reaches the ears of someone who needs to hear it, just as I need to hear something that resonates with me.  A lady came up to me afterwards and said that she understood more now about the suicide of her alcoholic brother--how complete loss of hope can bring one to make such a decision.

I know that Al-Anon is a program of attraction rather than promotion.  And I know that there are other ways to get help rather than by working a 12 step program. But if you want people to talk to who are familiar with the disease and its effects on others, why not check it out and see if there is something in it to help you?  Maybe bring a pad if the chairs are too hard. Or bring your own latte.

I get emails from people who say that they get a lot from reading my blog. They write that it helps them to know someone else who has been affected by the disease and worked to recover. And that reading the posts is better than going to Al-Anon.  I don't know about you, but I read a lot of information on alcoholism before I went to Al-Anon and none of it brought me the peace of mind that I now have.  I read books on co-dependence and still I didn't understand how to get free from the years of behavioral patterns or "isms" that seemed to make my life unmanageable.  I don't write as much about alcoholism anymore.  I write about living life on life's terms.  And that, at times, can be wonderful or it can be difficult.

My older blog posts when I first started were about all the issues I had with a newly sober spouse.  I had a lot of issues with understanding what serenity even meant.  I didn't understand what a Higher Power was.  I had no idea of how to "let go", detach with love, or accept others for who they are.  Keeping the focus on myself was meaningless because I had spent so many years focusing on others that I cared about.  I could focus at work, but no one knew how lost I felt on the inside or how sad I was some days.  I had one confidante at work who I talked to mostly about his love for a recovering addict.  I lost a good friend when I told him about the difficulties we were having coping with recovery.

But in all of this turmoil, I knew that if I kept going to meetings, worked the steps, and talked to my sponsor, I would feel better one day.  Misery was truly optional.  And it took me a while before I finally got the idea that I didn't have to focus all of my energy on another person.  I could be my own person and have a life where there was happiness and even serenity.

For those of you who have read this blog or other blogs that focus on recovery, you'll likely find that we have discovered a way of living that isn't about how miserable our lives are.  Most of us have jobs we enjoy or have had successful careers. Most of us have hobbies and activities that are a passion.  Most of us get up in the morning and think about what is good about our lives and are grateful for those we love.  Most of us have discovered that we can handle the ups and downs of this life without falling apart or sinking into self-pity and self-loathing.  We have learned one day at a time to live life on life's terms.

The things that used to bother me aren't nearly as important any more.  I still have my own shortcomings that I work on every day.  I still forget to live in the day rather than project into the future. And I occasionally have an expectation about someone or something.  But for the most part, I am living a much more balanced life than ever before.  I realize that I only have a finite number of years in my life.  And I am grateful for the help of those in Al-Anon who reached out a hand to me and to whom I now offer my own hand in return.

Being engaged in life

A friend that greets me every morning and says "Feed me"

In the midst of all the sadness and loss of loved ones recently, I can say that a saving grace for me has been to stay busy and engaged in the things that I like to do.  There have been plenty of moments when I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning, but I had to take care of the animals.  So I get up and let the dogs out, feed the cats, change water, and then walk down the lane to get the paper.  It's a routine, but one that is necessary when I am struggling with sadness.

The other routine that I have is working in the garden, harvesting the vegetables,  and taking care of the flowers.  Lately, there has been a lot of rain so I haven't had to worry so much about watering. The garden has a great irrigation system on a timer so no worries there. But the vegetables have been plentiful, and the blueberries ripening each day.  So once again, I feel that sense of responsibility to get going and get outside.  No matter how bad I feel, there is just something about digging in the dirt or eating a fresh tomato or blueberry from the vine that makes me happy.

And then there is my life saver--the sailboat.  I have visited her every other day, had a few trips out to the anchorage and am planning to go out again next week for 3 days.  I've joined a Meet Up sailing group locally and hosted a couple of events at the boat.  It's amazing how meeting new people with a common interest can be stimulating and take away unhappy feelings.

I've also been participating in a couple of local photography clubs and been pushing some new avenues with them.  Again, I'm meeting new people, trying new techniques, learning, and staying focused on something I am passionate about.

What these activities mean to me is a release from pain, sorrow and anxiety.  As long as I sit and am sunk in a pit of self-pity, I'm not doing anything productive. I'm not getting better, feeling happier, or letting go.  But what I have found is that the sadness has lessened every day.  I go for hours without thinking about the loss of Mom and Pop or my cousin.  I am coming to terms with acceptance of what is.

In the opening for Al-Anon meetings, there is a line that says, “In Al-Anon we learned to keep the focus on ourselves”. Sadly,  many of us came to Al-Anon with a compulsion to focus on other people.  Many of us had a clear idea of how everyone should behave in every situation and felt very self-righteous when others didn’t follow our rules of conduct. Or maybe we felt sorry for ourselves because our lives basically were all about someone else.  A major turning point came in recovery when I realized that my life was being neglected because all my attention was on someone else.  I knew at that moment that I had to make some major changes in how I was living and thinking.

I'm still learning how to keep the focus on me and not on what others are doing. I don’t have the answers for other people. I don't make the rules for the behavior of others or any facet of their life. If I start getting caught up in what they should or should not do, I have ceased to pay attention to myself.  I know that I generally relate to others better when I allow them to be exactly as they are and keep focusing on what I'm doing.

It is necessary for me to stay involved in the living, be active in those things that I enjoy, and not dwell on my shortcomings or what I've lost.  Finding a passion for something, venturing forth to try something that you've not done before, learning a new skill, giving back to others through volunteering....the possibilities are endless.  And every day, by doing, I can feel the joy coming back into my being.

Respite

It was a good day yesterday spent taking an old classic sailboat down the coast to a boat yard for surveying.  The potential buyer is coming in today.  Hopefully, the old boat will have a new owner and be restored back to her former glory.  She is a gem that was custom built in 1978 at the Cheoy Lee yard in Shanghai for a former Navy Captain and his wife.  She was sailed throughout the Pacific and then over to the East coast where she was owned by a gentleman who can no longer give her the TLC that she needs.  Yesterday, she moved like a dream, and we all enjoyed feeling the sturdiness of this boat as she was underway.

Last night, calls of confusion came in from my wife's mom.  She was saying that there had been a party and all her china was broken, she hadn't had anything to eat all day, and no one was home.  Jessica, the caregiver, called to tell us that Mom was having a bad day.  Some days she is perfectly lucid and others days she isn't.

An older friend told my wife that some caregivers abuse their patients, slamming them into wheelchairs and slapping them.  We know that Jessica and Brad are great people and treat Mom with love.  And we stop by often to see her.  I suppose that there are those who just reach the end of their rope with taking care of others, whether it's the elderly, the physically and mentally disabled,  or low bottom alcoholics.  We are supposed to have compassion, but the human psyche can only take so much stress.

Sadly, the number of people who have caregiver burnout is increasing as more caregivers take on the job without getting the help they need, or try to do more than they are able to--physically or financially.  Those who are burned out experience fatigue, stress, anxiety and depression which sometimes can result in wanting to hurt those for whom they are caring.

I think that living with active alcoholism has the effect of burnout.  All the positivity of a life can become filled with anger and frustration.  Feeling that there is no one to turn to, no one to share the secret with can create such isolation that life seems hardly worth living.  And the alcoholic is likely feeling the same way--isolated, ashamed, lonely, desperate, filled with loathing.  More than one person gets lost to the disease when there is no respite from it.

We all need breaks from whatever stressful activity we are doing.  I needed it when I was working so I would take vacation days.  We give the caregivers a break by either staying there ourselves or bringing in temporary help.  And I give myself a respite now and then for no particular reason by spending a shining day on the water on an old boat.  Just keeping things in balance. It really helps.

Oysters, puppies, and a few other things

I went to an oyster roast yesterday.  It was another glorious day, with temperatures in the mid 60's.  I ate oysters, watched the dogs retrieve in the pond, caught up with some friends and had a nice afternoon.  It felt good to see an old neighbor who was actually the person to whom I made my first amends.  I am no longer worried about his opinion of me.  My side of the street is clean.

One of the highlights was seeing and holding some 8 week old puppies whose mother was the daughter of my old girl who recently died.  These were her grandbabies, and they were precious.  Nothing like nuzzling some babies that have that wonderful puppy breath. Their sturdy little bodies and thick coats were awesome.  It did my heart good to see these descendants that go back several generations from my line of English Labradors.  

I generally read blogs in the morning and evening.  I have found that my meditation time is not complete without opening blogs and checking in on what you are doing.  My blog roll has grown enormously since I started blogging several years ago.  I find that I get so much out of what is posted.  In many ways, what you write has been as much an integral part of my recovery as meetings have.

Many times I will read a blog entry that makes me think about what it was like when I first started going to meetings.  One of the bloggers was writing about her experience with going to an Al-Anon meeting and not feeling comfortable because the meeting was closed.  

Al-Anon meetings are closed because they are limited to members and prospective members who will feel free to share and listen to the experience, strength, and hope of one another on a confidential and anonymous basis. This means that therapists, health professionals and people who don't have a problem with alcoholism won't be attending just to observe.  Having a closed meeting keeps it safe for all who attend.

An Al-Anon meeting may choose to be "open" by the consent of its participants.  An "open" Al-Anon meeting allows attendance by people who are not families and friends of alcoholics but who are interested in learning about Al-Anon.  People who may come to open Al-Anon meetings occasionally include students and professionals who work with alcoholics and their families.  I've been in these open meetings in which students attend. And invariably, one of them will share that there is someone in the family who is affected by the disease.

Tradition 3 states that the only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.  That's pretty broad.  Most of us have relatives or friends who have a problem with alcoholism.  I know many people who come to Al-Anon who have relatives who are drug addicts. And that is largely because there are so few Nar-Anon meetings and Families Anonymous meetings around. But the focus is not on the alcoholic (or addict) but on the crazy behavior of those who live with them.  The anger, resentment, worry, enabling, sadness are common emotions that occur when someone you love is making a mess of their lives.

I do believe in singleness of purpose.  But I have not seen anyone turned away because their loved one was a drug addict rather than solely an alcoholic.  Now days, there are so many that have both problems.  Or perhaps one morphs into the other.  I was told to attend six meetings before making up my mind about whether Al-Anon was for me.  I picked my sponsor at my third meeting.  He showed me compassion and from that I learned to be compassionate.  I learned to shift my focus from talking about the destructive behavior of my loved one to the destructive behavior that I had.  And that is what meetings are about.  We come in hopeless and learn to have hope, learn to have a life that isn't filled with anxiety and obsessing about others, learn to live for ourselves again.  Powerful stuff.

Hoppin' John

I made it to my destination in Florida.  Traffic was surprisingly light.  I was driving 75 mph and people were flying by me like there was a firecracker up their butt.  People in Florida sure do put the hammer down.

My main concern on the drive was getting some collard greens and Hoppin' John.  Hoppin' John is the Southern US version of a traditional rice and beans dish eaten throughout West Africa.  It consists of black-eyed peas or field peas and rice, with chopped onion and sliced bacon or ham hock. Smaller than black-eyed peas, field peas are used in the Low Country of South Carolina and Georgia; black-eyed peas are the norm elsewhere.

Throughout the coastal South, eating Hoppin' John on New Year's Day is thought to bring a prosperous year filled with luck.  Collard greens, kale, turnip greens, and mustard greens eaten along with this dish are supposed to add to the wealth since they are the color of money.  Another traditional New Year's Day food, cornbread, also represents wealth since it is the color of gold.

I was getting worried until I found a diner where they served up the money and good luck as part of a vegetable plate along with some corn bread. I was happy! So if you missed out on some peas, greens, and corn bread, there is always next year.

Today, I'm going to mosey around a bit.  Maybe check out the marinas.  I'll help my friend get settled in his accommodations where he will be studying for the next few weeks.  I've already checked the Al-Anon schedule and will be going to a meeting tonight.  I'm going to call the local AIS to make sure of the meeting schedule.  We will probably also hit some open AA meetings as well.  There is a 12 step house not far from here.

The first day of 2012 has been good to me.  But it has been hard on others. My wife misunderstood when the caregivers were returning so she spent New Year's Eve at her parents' home.  She got home yesterday around noon and was so relieved.  I know that she won't be doing the night shift for an entire week again.  I told her that I thought it would be too much and now she agrees.

And to the bloggers out there who have been having troubles with family members, all I can say is take care of yourself.  Giving up your own life to try to save someone else's doesn't work.  Two people are then lost.  I know that you love your child, spouse, husband, friend, etc. but you cannot save them.  And meanwhile the "normal" people in the family become less happy and more mixed up in the disease of alcoholism/addiction.  It took a lot of painful reminders for me to finally understand that I was not only harming myself but others when I tried to love them out of their disease.  If you think that you have that kind of power, I have news for you--the disease will kill you from stress, worry, and anxiety.  The martyr role is not going to stop the disease either.  I finally understood the words "keep the focus on yourself" that my sponsor hammered into me.  I get it.

Okay, that's it for now.  Time to find a grocery store.

Back home

I got back home this evening from a trip to Georgia.  It was a nice get-away for the weekend.  I attended several seminars so much of Saturday was spent in those.  However, I did get to reconnect with some old friends.

I didn't get to take as many photos as I had hoped but will post some more when I am less tired.  The little backwater towns are interesting, although most are passed through in about a couple of minutes or less.  Stately old homes with nice large lawns still line the streets of most of these small towns.  At one time, the trains would stop, and I can imagine a much more bustling place then.

As I was driving at dusk,  I couldn't help but feel a bit sad.  I often have the Sunday afternoon blues.  I suppose it is a carry over from so many years of working.  There is something about Sunday afternoon that makes me dread Monday, even though I don't have to get up at 5:30 AM any longer or make the drive into the office.  My body and mind are probably still conditioned for the work world.

I think that tonight I am going to catch up in my journal.  I have been keeping a journal for several years.  It contains entries on what happened that day.  It isn't very philosophical but mostly just a bunch of facts about the day.  A long time ago, I kept a diary as a kid.  And in it, I would gauge how the day was going by the mood of my father.  It was a good day if he hadn't been drinking.  The bad days were those in which he was.  Even at such a young age, I was letting alcoholism dictate what kind of day I had.  Later,  my days were also measured by how well I was getting along with a particular girlfriend.  I wrote very little about what made me happy or what my passions were.

I can see in retrospect,  how much power I gave to others in my life.  It was all about how I was reacting to what they were doing.  I find it interesting how my entries now are about what I am doing and the things that I enjoy.  I still write about feelings for others.  But I am less and less concerned about the power that others have over me.  I find that to be a direct result of how I have shifted my focus in recovery.   I am indeed fortunate to be keeping the focus on me and what I am doing, rather than on what others are doing to me.  What a change!

the games toxic people play

Occasionally, there will be a sneak attack that happens when I least expect it.  Things will be going along just fine and then....wham...someone will surprise me with their meanness.  I am not going to be specific here because that isn't the point.  What I have to do is inventory what happens within me when someone or something is done that is hurtful. 

I know that the hostility triggers something in me that makes me want to get away from the person as soon as it happens. My inventory tells me that: 1) I am frightened of the rage, 2) the rage brings up memories of my father's anger and my wife's behavior when she was drinking, 3) I am finding that the rage is detracting from my friendship with the individual, 4) I am becoming resentful of this person, and 5) I don't believe the words "I'm sorry" unless there is a change in behavior. 

I don't want to take the inventory of another.  I want to see the best in people.  But when someone has been deliberately judgmental, mean, and spiteful, it makes me want to get as far away from them as possible.  I know that there are people who are miserable and want to see others be miserable too.  I am truly sorry for them.  But I quite frankly don't want to be around those who spew their stuff on me or others. 

The whole subject of toxic people is fairly interesting.  So I decided to read more about toxic people and the effect that they can have if you let them.
Here is what I found:

* Every one has had a toxic person in their life at one time or another.

* A toxic person will continue to hurt you, until you stop allowing them to do so.

* You are powerless over the actions of the toxic person, but you can walk away from the toxic person and not allow them into your life anymore.

* Toxic people can drain your health, energy, well being and sanity. Get away from toxic people and associate with those who are positive and around whom you feel good.

* Trust your instincts. Toxic people exude the dark side of human nature. If you allow them to, they will create pain, craziness, and aggravation. If you feel sick and empty and experience negative physical feelings, then it is likely that you are in the presence of a toxic person. Once you identify someone as toxic, you can begin to eliminate them from your life.

* A person is toxic because of their own issues. It has nothing to do with you. Toxic people don't take responsibility for their own actions. They like to turn things around so that you feel bad, you feel guilty, and you feel at fault.

* The best thing you can do when dealing with a toxic person is to walk away. If you cannot walk away, then mentally walk away. Allow yourself to disengage, disassociate, and detach. Detachment is the best process to get you back into yourself.

Like my sponsor tells me, "Keep the focus on yourself". It's good advice. I have learned in Al-Anon to forgive and let go of others who do harm because they are sick in their soul.  They have their issues too and in many cases they are living their life without the benefit of spirituality.  I can shrug off the crazy comments that someone will make. I no longer have to buy into anyone else's stuff. They may be offering it for free but I don't have to own it.

Immediate solutions

Today I awoke to peaceful rain coming down.  It was pouring when I left to go to the noon meeting.  There weren't many people there today but it was still good.  There really aren't too many bad meetings that I've attended.

After the meeting,  I left to meet up with a couple of sponsees.    One of the fellows is working on Step Nine.  He is doing well and has put a lot of energy into working on recovery.   He is going through a  rough time right now with his marriage and is holding on for dear life to this raft of recovery.  Amazing how we can float to quiet waters by using the tools of the program. 

The other sponsee has had a lot of excuses lately.  For some it takes some time to get honest and to really want to do the work once the pain of living with active alcoholism has been removed.  All anyone wants initially is to feel better.  Sometimes feeling better can be like removing a splinter from under our skin--I think that the immediate solution is great because the pain is gone, but there still may be some infection that I need to take care of. 

When we first come to Al-Anon, the alcoholic is seen as the immediate source of pain. I, like many others, focused anger and frustration on her.  But I came to see that I needed to look at myself and my attitudes.  What were my motives for staying in a bad situation?  Who was making me accept unacceptable behavior? I had to work to change my attitude.  And in doing so I learned about my own self-worth and grew spiritually.  The emphasis eventually was lifted from the alcoholic and placed where it needed to be--on me. 

Al-Anon has been like a salve that I put on my wounded spirit.  I am glad that I got the full treatment. As it's read in a meeting: "Living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it".  I may not be cured but at least for now I am on the road to recovery.  

Stop looking out and start looking in

In the opening for Al-Anon meetings, there is a line that says, “In Al-Anon we learned to keep the focus on ourselves”. What a foreign concept that was to me when I first began.  I had my focus on everyone but myself.  My identity was tied up in work, my wife's drinking, my friends and their drama, and on and on.  I’ve been either angry, embarrassed, or obsessed with what they were doing. During those years, I paid less attention to good things about myself, instead I was very self-critical and not very forgiving of myself.

I thought that I had the answers to how everyone should behave in every situation and felt very self-righteous when they didn’t follow my rules of conduct.  Well, needless to say, this attitude met with a lot of resistance from others.  And then I would get angry because no one really appreciated what I was doing.

One of the promises of the program that has come true for me is that I have found acceptance.  I have learned to mind my own business and not that of others.  It is clear to me now that I don't have the answers for other people.  I cannot make the rules for the behavior of others or any facet of their life.  I no longer find myself getting caught up in what they should or should not do.  If I do start to follow that train of thought, then I am losing my humility.  I have also ceased to pay attention to myself.  Nine times out of ten, I am focusing on someone else to avoid looking at something in my own life. Generally, for me it is fear that is raising its head. I know that I generally relate to others better when I allow them to be exactly as they are and keep focusing on what I'm doing.

This program is teaching me is to stop looking out and start looking in.

Outcasts

I am feeling a bit like the stuffed animal in the photo.  I am tired for one thing and that leads me to some places in my head where I'd rather not go.  I don't feel energetic, have a headache, and know that the bug I picked up last week is still incubating in my body.

I have witnessed some unkindness this week that has made me wonder what is gained by making others feel rotten.  I can go along sweeping my side of the street and then a garbage truck will go by and deposit its entire load right in front of me.  Is the person in the garbage truck laughing? What pleasure is it to dump that load of garbage on another?  I don't know about you but dumping on another person has never made me feel good, superior or enhanced me spiritually.  It has had the opposite effect. 

I know that the tools of the program tell me to let things go, not pick up a thrown gauntlet, and to keep sweeping.  But I am tired today so I needed to wonder out loud here instead of listening to the voices telling me that I too am an outcast.

I know that when I am faced with angry people and criticism,  I feel great anxiety. The feeling of isolation that I had as a child is still within, just waiting to bring me down.  I have written here before that I fear nothing more than abandonment and have for the most part held on in relationships rather than experience the pain of feeling abandoned and rejection.  These feelings of not being able to cope with abandonment stem from living in an dysfunctional environment where no one was emotionally there for me.

So where does that leave me?  Today, it means that I am going to go to a noon meeting.  I'm going to get plenty of rest tonight.  I'm going to meet with a sponsee for an hour after work.  And I'm going to keep sweeping my side of the street.  The outrages, anger, selfishness, and fears of others are not mine to own.  I have given those shortcomings enough of my energy this week.  I don't need to know "why"?  I only know that I will pick up that abandoned outcast part of me, dust it off, give it a good hug, and treat it as gently as I possibly can.

Leaps and Boundaries

I have been told that I don't respect boundaries whether they are mine or another's. That may be true. I have had a tendency to become enmeshed in another person's life where I feel what they feel, do what they do. When that happens I lose myself which leaves me with weak or no boundaries.

By having weak boundaries, I would morph into being what someone else wanted me to be. This is really a form of dishonesty which prevents real intimacy. It's not possible to be intimate with a person who can't express feelings, wants, likes or dislikes, or who can't be honest about those feelings. I think that this behavior was a way by which I learned to survive.

I didn't know what a boundary was until Al-Anon. And once in Al-anon, I mistakenly thought setting a boundary was something I had to do to someone else. What I now understand is the only person I can really set a boundary with is myself.

For instance, I can't set a boundary in which I tell another what they can't say or do. I cannot tape their mouths shut or tie their hands. But I can learn to say no when I want to say no.

I didn't have "No" as a boundary for such a long time. It was difficult for me when I was younger to say no to those who asked something of me. I would either go along with what was wanted, lie about why I couldn't do it, or just avoid the issue altogether. None of these responses worked because I felt resentment, anger and guilt. Even if I did manage to convey a "no", it was always given with a long-winded attempt to soften the blow. I have since learned that "No" is a complete sentence.

Another problem I've had with boundaries is to not believe it when another told me "No". I would do what I could to convince them to change their mind, to do what I wanted them to do. That was what I would do with my parents as a child, and that childlike behavior carried through into adulthood.

That's why boundaries can be tricky. I have to look at my motive for setting one: am I doing it for my good, or to try to make someone else do something I think is good for them? Am I trying to change them or to punish them? I don't think these are good reasons to set boundaries.

I've found that my boundaries tend to be flexible. I don't like to establish a wall. I also don't want to constantly drop boundaries so that they are never in place. I read that a good boundary could be thought of as a being like a drawbridge that I can pull up when I need to do so.

These are some guidelines for setting boundaries:

1. Give up any expectations about the outcome

2. Clearly define consequences that don't disrupt my serenity.

3. Set boundaries and communicate them clearly.

4. Enforce boundaries consistently.

5. Set boundaries without regard for the relationship

And these are some of the healthy boundaries that I now strive to use :

Keep my Mouth Shut-- I don't need to engage in arguments with another.

Live One Day at a Time-- I don't want to project about the future or rehash the past over and over

Take Nobody's Inventory but My Own-- I don't need to browbeat another or try to convince them of my viewpoint. I just need to focus on my own behavior.

Focus on myself-- I pay attention to what I am thinking and feeling and reach out to others in the program when I am angry, lonely or tired.

I'm still far from being able to do all of these things consistently. But I have come to understand that having healthy boundaries is must better than not having any at all.

What I'm about

Mama PJ posted this on her blog. The idea is to list what you are about without stopping to think about it. I guess this is a stream of consciousness about who I am and what I like. I don't think that there is a limit but I'm going to stop when I can't come up with anything else. So, today I’m about…

1. restoring my soul with the beauty that surrounds me
   
2. the flowers that are abundant in the yard at our home
3. picking and finding interesting ways to eat the vegetables that are plentiful now in the garden
4. getting enough sleep without any bad dreams at night
5. being comfortable with my surroundings
   
6. being in love with life and some special people in it
   
7. talking to the dogs and watching their silliness as they play
8. having the cats purring on my chest this morning
   
9. seeing the many sailboats from my window
10. wonder at puffy white clouds and blue sky
    
11. modern technology that I know how to use
    
12. having enough money to be generous to others
    
13. acceptance and open minded views
14. getting "I love you" calls
15. doing my part to make the environment better
    
16. being comfortable with the clothes I wear
    
17. not being judgmental or unkind
    
18. talking to an old colleague who will retire at the same time that I do
19. a sentimentality that often brings tears to my eyes
20. being who I am, all of me good and bad
    

If you want to write what you're about, please do so.

Balancing

I remember as a kid playing with my older cousin that we would do some dare devil stuff. One of the games was to see who could walk the "plank" across a shallow ravine. It wasn't really deep, but there was a little stream below with rocks. The "plank" was an old tree that had fallen.

So we would each get up on this log and see who could make it across without falling or losing balance. I didn't like heights so this was a scary game for me. Yet, I wanted to appear cool and okay about the whole thing.

So I'd take a deep breath and start walking. The first steps weren't bad because the log was resting on the bank. It was when I got out into thin air that things got difficult. I could hear the rushing water below and see the potential dangers of rocks and sticks in those waters. I would imagine falling, and I would. After several tries, I found that as long as I would focus on the spot just in front of my feet and not look at the stream below, I could get across the log. I just needed to put one foot in front of the other and not lose my focus.

There are still days that I need to remind myself that it's just one foot in front of the other. And to not focus on the future but just what is right in front of me. And by doing that I am able to keep in balance, face my fears, and make my way.

Thinking positively

The natural flight of the human mind are not from pleasure to pleasure, but from hope to hope."
- Samuel Johnson -

I went to a good meeting yesterday. The topic was on being positive which was something that I needed to hear and share about.

I am a positive person but my exuberance for life can be a bit much at times. As one person shared yesterday, "Syd, I hated to be around people like you before I came into the program. I had nothing but negative thoughts and didn't want to be reminded of anything positive."

If I get too optimistic about life, then I start to build those expectations. And expectations lead to disappointment and then resentment. These are things that I know. And by understanding what is going on, there comes enlightenment about the triggers for my behavior.

I know that I would rather be optimistic than negative in outlook. But I also don't ascribe to the Pollyanna effect in which my optimism denies reality. I know I am not blind to bad situations. I don't try to turn the facts around to make things seem happy.

For me, actions speak louder than words. My wife is sober. I'm grateful. She doesn't believe in a Higher Power and has worked Step One and the second half of Step Twelve. I can't do much about that. I accept that she still has the disease of alcoholism.

I have been accused of not trusting her totally. I guess in a "normal" situation, I would be able to trust her. But ours is not a normal situation because one of us is an alcoholic and the other one has been severely affected by alcoholism. I know that her intentions are good. It does no good to build expectations that can't be met. Or to punish each other for unfulfilled promises. I know that we have each punished ourselves enough on our own.

So, as I've written before, the program takes practice. And here is what I keep practicing:

• To say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean.
  
• Not to stuff my feelings.
  
• Not to cruelly punish others but to detach from them and yet still love them.
  
• Not sink their ship but don't try to keep it afloat.
  
• Allow others the dignity to face their own consequences -- as it is of their own making.
  
• And most important put the focus back on myself. That is how I will keep a positive attitude going. If I look to other people to make me happy, I am going to be in a perpetual state of disappointment, anger, and frustration, and then look back and wonder where my life went.
  

It it doesn't have my name on it....

I've heard this saying in several meetings: "If it doesn't have my name on it, then I won't pick it up." This is a great saying to remind me that I can only deal with things that are my business.

Since being in Al-Anon, I have lost the desire to pick up those things which do not belong to me. It is a very freeing feeling to go about life and not interject myself into the middle of what is going on in other's lives.

I know that I care when things happen to others. In fact, I've spent much of my life caring more about others than I really cared for myself. The difference now is that self-care has become a priority. I can so easily let my compassion for others take me into their world and out of mine. So I am mindful of that.

My wife has had a blow to her serenity lately because her sponsor is dying from lung cancer. This woman has been the back bone of one of the city's AA groups. My wife is dealing with this and has no desire to drink over it. She is planning to "take shifts", along with other AA members, at her sponsor's house as her sickness worsens. She lives alone and the AA community is rallying around. Bless them and bless this woman who has helped my wife through these last two and half years of sobriety.

Have a great Saturday. I'm working on the boat and then going for a long weekend sail. I'll check back when I get back on land and near a computer.