Commitments to the moment

I have a couple of things on my agenda over the next two weeks.  One is a meeting today to become an advisor for a local non-profit group that is conducting a study of water quality in the Harbor.  I don't have any idea what the work load will be so I want to find out more before I formally accept.

I have to say that I'm enjoying the freedom of not having too many commitments. I generally go to three Al-Anon meetings a week, meet with a couple of sponsees,  workout with a personal trainer twice a week,  and go to a couple of sailing club meetings a month.  I have freed my schedule so that a couple of days a week, I don't leave the property.  It feels good to not have "must do" things hanging over my head.  Sailing and visiting the parents-in-law are things that I do, but without a set schedule.  So, I am cautious about taking on more things.

A major commitment that I have made is to attend Sea School in June so that I may obtain my Captain's license.  I have been prepping for this through other courses over the past couple of years, and now it's time to do the final preparation to take the Coast Guard exam.  This will involve three intense weekends back to back, Friday through Sunday, and will include an upgrade to Master.  I have no idea what I will use the license for as the idea of chartering my sailboat is not something that I want to do.  But that may change at some point.  I know that doing eco-tours is something I enjoy, but dealing with the public on my boat feels like a serenity breaker.

Lately, I've been thinking about commitment with sponsoring.  I called a few fellows I took through the steps and made plans to meet up with one of them next week for lunch. I hear from two others on a regular basis and am working through the steps with another one every Tuesday.  I haven't heard from a couple of the others for months. I know that they still attend meetings, but I no longer feel connected to what they are doing.  A friend suggested that without regular contact,  I am no longer their sponsor.  I don't have hard rules about their calling me on a regular basis.  But I would still like to be connected to them.  So I have called each person.  The rest is not up to me.

Also, I haven't had face to face time with my local sponsor in a couple of months.  He emails and we occasionally talk on the phone. I feel disconnected there as well.  I don't think there is a substitute for having face to face time.  I talk to my original sponsor weekly.  He is adjusting to life on the other coast.  I know that no matter what, I can pick up the phone and give him a call, and he will listen to what I have to say.

Perhaps, the first experience with a sponsor is the one that sticks and is the yardstick for all others.  I don't know, but I often long for those times when we would read and study the steps together.  I feel like I am on my own now.  Yet, I know that there are friends in program I can talk to.  Somehow, it just isn't the same as having a sponsor who knows all about me.

I have often longed for the way things used to be--fresh starts, beginnings in relationships and knowledge.  I see such sentiment as the melancholy part of my personality that doesn't like changes that involve loss.  But I know the solution is to be in this day and this moment.  And to take action that will be positive and progressive.  Every day can be a fresh start.

Victim mentality

Today I visited a friend who has gone 21 years without a drink.  He still has a lot of the "isms" in spite of all those years.  Having not had a job in three years, he got a trick on Halloween in the form of a court summons for failure to make payments on his place.  It's interesting how he blames everyone else but himself for the situation.  Getting a job would be a great start to a course of action that would lift him up.  I keep my mouth shut and wonder at the power of alcoholism that manages to have a hold on someone even after so many years without a drink.

Being a victim of circumstances in life and exuding negative energy makes a person difficult to be around.  I see how the self-centered alcoholic thinking narrows the universe down to just what is in their sphere.  I used to wonder how alcoholics could only be concerned about themselves.  Now I see that being a victim, whether alcoholic or not,  tends to make a person think mostly about what their problems are.  People who are victims seldom seem interested in what others are doing because all the focus is on their own situation.

What if a person decided to stop being a victim and focus outside of themselves, broadening the world to include others and inquire after their happiness?  I think that is where a real difference can be made towards having a life that is full and rewarding versus one that is confined and negative.  But it takes a real change in attitude and behavior.

I don't know if my friend has victim mentality.  I know that I did for a long time.  I blamed the alcoholic for most of my unhappiness, until I began to wonder who had erected the prison that I was living in.  No one was forcing me to stick around for emotional abuse.  I did that willingly.  When I came face to face with my own victim mentality,  I began to see that the walls of isolation and self-pity were erected by me.

Moving away from being a victim and accepting my part was key to having healthy relationships with others.  I have no one to blame but myself if I stick around for abuse.  I am glad to have stopped wondering who is doing what to me and why.  I can look at what I am doing which has made a huge difference in my life.

Blame shifting

Here is another email question that I received:
My alcoholic boyfriend likes to blame everything on me......everything and anything he can think of, and it really brings me down, very down...and eventually leads to further resentment of him...
I have a full bubbling boiling pot or resentment deep in me that poisons me and makes me angry, that leads to me being sad again because I hate being angry and resentful and bitter, which leads to negative thought after negative thought......it's a muck of anger and pain and hopelessness that is cyclic and doesn't go away. I am tied of being blamed.  I am tired of being angry.  Any suggestions?

Blame shifting is one of the most frustrating things about alcoholism.  It is done not only by the alcoholic but also by the person who has a relationship with the alcoholic.  Blaming is really about trying to get away from uncomfortable feelings.  If I blame someone else, then I don't have to look at what I am doing or admit that I am wrong.

In the situation you describe,  your boyfriend can keep deflecting blame back onto you, coming up with excuses why it is YOU or the rest of the world who has the problem, not him.  Blame shifting allows him to stay in his disease, tucked safely in his denial, so he doesn't need to ever work on himself.  One of the biggest hurdles in recovery is humility.  Those who work the twelve steps and are humbled will stop with the arrogant antics of blaming others around them.  

I am able to see the blame shift now for what it is.  Before when I was unaware of my feelings, I didn't know what was happening.  I would be blamed or I would start blaming.  It was an automatic response.  I didn't even know it was happening until it was too late. 

Whether a person is alcoholic or not,  I don't think anyone likes to feel cornered or blamed.  The solution is to change my reaction when something bothers me and the blaming is right at the tip of my tongue.  I do my best not to react immediately if something bothers me.  I count to ten,  take a few breaths, walk away for a few minutes.  In short, I let it sit and figure out how I want to approach it.  I used to shoot right from the lip which generally caused a huge escalating argument.  But sitting with the feeling and pausing before reacting is not easy.  I am better at it some days than others, depending on where I am spiritually and emotionally. 

When I have sat with the feeling and something is still bothering me,  I will say how I felt when the event or situation occurred.  I don't say, "You made me feel like crap when......." but will speak about my feelings: "I felt angry when you yelled at me for ..........".  If he shifts the blame to you in the hot potato toss, which is a favorite game that alcoholics and Al-Anons play,  I would walk away and say, "It's how I feel." No further need for discussion. Once you stand by your feeling and take away the argument, there is nothing more to say. 

Another thing that I have learned is that most of the blaming does not need to be taken personally.  I know that is really hard but blaming shifted to me isn't really about me.  What your boyfriend is doing is HIS to own.  It is his disease talking.  If I realize that I can separate the alcoholics in my life from their disease, then I am not as quick to react.  What I need to do is work on my own shortcomings and get better at detaching from the disease of alcoholism when it is in my face.  Good luck. 

Good samaritan?

God, what a day yesterday.  I was so tired when I got home around midnight last night that I didn't even shower.  I just fell into bed, hugged C. and told her I loved her, patted Mr. Moose on his needle nose that was stuck in my face, and then fell asleep.  I did not read a blog, I did not write a post.  I also did not eat much or drink enough water.  I was emotionally and physically drained.

I'll tell you about the day.  The morning started with my going to a fast food joint near the boat yard. I don't go to fast food places anymore.  But yesterday morning I was hungry and in a hurry.  First mistake.

 

The drive through service was backed up about a half mile, so I went inside. Second mistake.  So I ordered a biscuit, sat down at the plastic table on a plastic chair and was about to wolf down the biscuit and get out as quickly as possible when a young man came rushing up to a young woman who was standing in line.  He started yelling at her.  He had his fists balled up and was pacing back and forth yelling at her like a maniac. 

I looked up at the other people in line who were pretending as hard as they could that both these people would disappear.  The young woman was telling the crazy guy to please be quiet and to stop.  But he kept yelling to not give her any food because she stole his money.  And he said that he was going to beat her.

Bingo. He said the wrong words.  I looked at him as he was maybe five feet from me.  And I said something like "You need to stop yelling at her and leave now." God, I hate myself when I get in protective mode.   I cannot stand to see someone cowering and being threatened.  This guy was not big but he appeared to be high on something.  I thought that perhaps a fairly stern warning would evoke some flight response. 

Instead he came over and started getting in my face.  So I got up, towering over him, and said that I was going to get my phone (the one time I left it in the car) and was calling the police.  Okay.  That should make him leave, right?  Nope.  He follows me outside, yelling at me, with the young woman telling him to stop.  The frozen people in the fast food joint were watching all this without moving a muscle, pretending still that this is just normal and continuing to order their whatevers. 

So I go to my car, not really turning my back on him, but telling him to get away from me as I was calling the police, and he might just want to head on out.  He just kept getting in my face and screaming at me.  He told me that he could do what he wanted to his wife.  He could yell at her and hit her if he wanted. His fists were balled up, and he was acting like a crazy man.  I told him to get away from me.  I was seriously getting ready to plant a size 13 foot right in the middle of his chest followed by a hard right to the face,  when I saw a police car.

As luck (or HP) would have it, a police car drove by just at the moment and slowed for the light.  I walked quickly to the police car and told the officer that there was a domestic dispute going on right here, right now and to turn around.  He did a U turn and within seconds was right there.  Within a minute three other police cars were right there. 

So the police get out,  start talking to the guy who said that I was making threats at him.  Everyone went off to their respective corners--me with one officer, the girl with another, the fellow with another.  A fourth was standing amongst this happy little enclave ready to taze or do whatever was necessary if any of us made the wrong moves. 

So I told the officer what happened.  He told me that I could go back in the fast food joint and wait until he talked to the other two.  So back I go to purgatory.  I am looked at like I am some kind of homeless guy making trouble when I go back in.  I was wearing jean shorts, a tee shirt, a two day old beard and probably had a nervous twitch by now.  So I can see the confusion. 

The lady who I took to be the manager came over and asked if I was okay.  I wanted to say, "Yes, I do this every day.  It is a great way to get a huge adrenalin rush in the morning." But I said I had been better.  She said that those two were regulars but "He don't usually act quite that bad." Great.  I can only imagine having  to deal with the regular crowd every morning. 

The policeman then came in and told me that the fellow didn't actually make any physical contact with his wife or me, so he couldn't be charged with anything.  He is known by the police as a guy with temper problems and a few other issues that he didn't go into.  He thanked me for stepping up as a "good citizen" but cautioned against getting involved in the future.  He said the best thing would be to quietly step outside and call the police. 

Yes,  I definitely heard him.  I know how stupid I was.  The guy could have had a knife or a gun.  I know that something in me bubbled up when I saw nobody making a move to do anything.  It was like I couldn't help myself.  It was something deep and instinctual. 

So I left, got in my car, and drove past the guy who was surrounded by three police with papers in their hands.  I guess he was getting charged with something or being given a warning.  The young woman who he said was his wife was sitting alone on the curb with her head in her hands.  I rolled down the window as I drove past and said, "Take care of yourself."  She wanly smiled and said thanks.  That was it. 

When I got to the boat,  I had already beaten myself far worse than that guy would have.  Thankfully, the engine started, and I was able to get underway.  All of that went smoothly.  But instead of enjoying the first thirty minutes of the trip, I was continuing to beat myself up: "You know better. You could have gotten up and called outside. What were you looking for--a fight?".  Sigh. 

But I gave myself those thirty or so minutes and then I focused on the buoys and markers, calling the bridge tender to open the bridge, and the boat which is magical and beautiful.  By the time I got to the marina,  the residual of the experience was just about gone. 

For the rest of the day, I just worked on moving things from my 22 foot faithful boat to the new beauty.  I felt a bit like I was hurting the love of my life. 

Later I went to engine class where we had a good laugh over the misspelling of winch on a handout sheet.  The instructor had written "wench" instead.  You can only imagine what "hooking the strap on the wench" evoked.  Goodhearted laughter felt good.  And the two women in the class had a good laugh with the rest of us as we ribbed the instructor who is an older gentleman and hadn't a clue what his mistake was.  

Then I went back down to the boats to check on them and check the bilge systems, do some caulking on one of the hatches, and hook up to shore power.  Finally, around 11:30 PM, I headed home to another kind of refuge, worn out but with my head cleared of the day's events.  I will repeat from my previous post: Life is an apprenticeship.  I am still an apprentice.

The day after

The photo above is from last year on the Fourth. We, along with a group of friends called in, picked up around a thousand pounds of beer cans, bottles, clothing and other litter. After that debacle there was a lot of media attention about littering here. Signs were posted and marine patrol stepped up their work on the beach and water near the island.

We weren't sure what this year would bring in terms of littering, but somehow I didn't think it would be a problem.

And the photo above is from this year. There were a few cans and some cigarette butts. But the wild frat party atmosphere did not happen.



And this sums up what we both feel today: peaceful, relaxed and happy. It has been a nice day and the great thing is that it isn't over yet.

We had a fabulous sunset and a great walk on the beach. Now it's time to cook dinner and do some reading before bedtime. Troubles may come tomorrow, but today is truly serene.

Anonymity

Lou's post yesterday and Mary Christine's today had me thinking about the topic of anonymity in Al-Anon. The following is some information that comes from Al-Anon literature and provides a good description of why anonymity is important in our fellowship:

Why is anonymity so often a topic at meetings? We guard the anonymity of all Al-Anon/Alateen and AA members. This means not revealing to anyone what we hear or whom we see at meetings, not to our relatives, friends or other Al-Anon/Alateen members. Our free expression – so important to our recovery – rests on our sense of security, knowing that what we share at our meetings will be held in strict confidence. While each member has the right of decision regarding personal anonymity within the fellowship, the use of first-names-only reminds us that we are equals in Al-Anon. This keeps us humble and enables us to develop spiritually. From page 5 of Al-Anon Spoken Here (Pamphlet 53)

Anonymity. The experience of our groups suggests that the principle of anonymity – summed up in Tradition Twelve as “the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions” – has three elements: There is anonymity as it applies outside Al-Anon, governing our contacts with non-members and organizations; anonymity within the fellowship; and anonymity as it contributes to our personal growth. From page 83 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual

Anonymity in Al-Anon is a sacred trust, basic to our fellowship and its survival.
The principal of anonymity is essential for the newcomers to assure the confidentiality of their identity and all that is shared at the meetings, and with other members. From page 50 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual

Anonymity Within Al-Anon. Members uses their full names within the fellowship when they wish. The degree of anonymity a member chooses (first name, pseudonym, or full name) is not subject to criticism. Each member has the right to decide . . .Anonymity goes well beyond mere names. All of us need to feel secure in the knowledge that nothing seen or heard at a meeting will be revealed. We feel free to express ourselves among our fellow Al-Anons because we can be sure that what we say will be held in confidence. From page 83 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual

Special Note: Anonymity is a spiritual principle and cannot be used as a legal basis to shield criminal behavior, past or current. It is wise to remember that Al-Anon and Alateen meetings are not above the law. Members need to exercise care in sharing information that could require reporting to local, state, provincial and national authorities. From page 50 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual

Anonymity Within Al-Anon: Dual Members. “I am a member of another anonymous program. Recently I was asked not to discuss it at our Al-Anon/Alateen meetings. Why?”
Our meeting discussions do not include any other program or fellowship. When we talk about our experiences of becoming sober, drug-free, or how we stopped overeating or gambling, we take away from the Al-Anon focus. In Al-Anon, we focus on our common experience – having been affected by someone else’s alcoholism – and our recovery by giving and receiving mutual aid based only on that common experience. Those of us who are members of other
anonymous programs avoid openly revealing this at meetings, concentrating instead on the Al-Anon approach to the family illness of alcoholism. From page 8 of Al-Anon Spoken Here (Pamphlet 53)

Anonymity Within Al-Anon: Professionals. “As a psychotherapist – and an Al-Anon member – I feel that my professional experience can enrich our group’s discussion. Why have I been discouraged from sharing my knowledge at meetings?”
Those of us in the helping professions may be especially sensitive to the pain of others. We may sense the pain of fellow Al-Anon members and wish to share the benefits of our professional expertise. In Al-Anon, however, we meet and share as equals: no one is an expert. Our success comes from maintaining a nonprofessional approach, and from adhering to the principal of anonymity. We all have something to give and something to take from our meetings regardless of our educational, social or professional backgrounds. From page 8 of Al-Anon Spoken Here (Pamphlet 53)

Anonymity Outside Al-Anon. Tradition Eleven gives a specific guideline: “We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV and films.” This gives potential members confidence that their identity will not be revealed when they join Al-Anon. Also, personal anonymity at the public level guards the fellowship from the Al-Anon/Alateen member who may be tempted to seek public recognition . . . [At these levels,] use only first names or
pseudonyms. In photographs for publication and in TV appearances, faces should not be recognizable. This may be achieved by back-to the camera or blurring of features in some way. It is, however, important to make Al-Anon known through our public information work with professionals who come into contact with families still suffering the effects of alcoholism. Such contacts, or course, make it necessary for the Al-Anon and Alateen members involved to give their full names. Al-Anon members also give their full names to interested doctors, spiritual leaders, school or industrial personnel. From page 83 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual
________________________________________________________________

Maintaining anonymity on this blog has been important to me. There are times that I wonder about whether I have revealed too much information. I also think that it needs to be clear that I don't represent the voice of Al-Anon but merely my own experience, strength and hope.

One of the great things about blogging is that it seems that there is a community spirit. But I also have to remember that the blogging "community" is "open" to everyone who has internet access. And writing is subject to much interpretation by the reader. There has been one instance where something I posted was completely misinterpreted, and I was judged as unfit to be read. And recently there has been mention of a blogger making inappropriate comments to another blogger in our recovery "community".

I have to remember that blogging is not like sharing in a meeting. It is easy to be preyed upon or to become prey when someone hides behind words. I like to remember that I won't write something to someone that I wouldn't say to their face. And I want to treat people in a manner that I like to be treated and with all the respect that they deserve.

Emotional immaturity

My new sponsee called me in the wee hours of the morning. He was trying to make a decision on whether to stay up and party or go to bed so that he could get to a job that he had to do in the morning.

My first thought is, "You have to be kidding me. You woke me and my wife up so that you could tell me that this was an upsetting decision to make." Then I realized that this sounds more like alcoholism than the "isms" of Al-Anon. (I've heard in meetings that these "isms" stand for I, Self, Me // I Sponsor Myself // Internal Spiritual Maladjustment)// Incredibly Short Memory // I Sabotage Myself).

I asked him if he had been drinking and he said that he had a glass of wine. He said that he guessed that his actions were childish. He is 30 years old and still getting money from his parents. Yep, this sounds childish to me: Either stay up and party and miss the work appointment or tell the partiers that I'm calling it a night so that I can work in the morning. Hmmmm....which one would I choose.

I think that I'm going to have to set some boundaries with him starting today. He and I are meeting up for our first discussion on Step One. I'm going to provide him with the 12 steps of sponsoring that I blogged about yesterday.

I understand that he has been a member of the AA fellowship but no longer attends meetings or has an AA sponsor. Based on the conversations that we've had over the phone, it seems that the disease of alcoholism may be alive and well.

I have to remember that although someone may be 30 years, 50 years or even older and sober, they may remain childish, grandiose, and emotionally immature. As Dr. Silkworth said, they may be an "outright mental defective" with all the anxieties, depression and fears bubbling up. I found the following statement about alcoholism to be insightful:
"I am maladjusted to life, in full flight from reality.......... As a going human concern, my natural state is .......exacerbated with and complicated by an obsessive, compulsive, impulsive, excessive, controlling, demanding need for attention, acceptance and unqualified approval. A condition of being which renders me restless, irritable and discontented with life.

Mentally, my thought life is controlled by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity; all of which drive me to live my life according to selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, inconsiderate, resentful and frightened motives, motives which left unattended in me arouse and engage dangerous and life threatening levels of lust (I try not to make eye contact).

Pride, anger, envy, greed, sloth, gluttony, I turn into a pig, I want it all - that renders me emotionally a bit sensitive. Which means I have a strong tendency toward taking everything I see or hear personally. I don't like criticism and I'll be damned if I can stand praise (I don't believe you). When it comes to suffering emotionally, I don't like to suffer emotionally. I don't suffer well and I don't suffer alone.

Socially, I'm a bankrupt idealist and brooding perfectionist who lives defensively and guarded in fear of being found out. As such, I tend to rationalize, minimize, justify and deny all of my actions while casting blame upon innocent people in a vigorous attempt to avoid attention. When it comes to my fellow man and woman, I demand the absolute possession and control of everybody and every circumstance that enters my arena of life.

My response to you is that I am quick to anger, I'm slow to virtue, and I get a distinct and succinct delight and twisted pleasure out of judging and criticizing everybody I see. My outstanding characteristic is defiance, and rebellion dogs my every step. Now, as a child of God, that is a list of my finer qualities (anybody want a date?). You'll hear this at every meeting you go to, but from newcomers, this is how you hear them: "I don't fit in, I don't belong, I'm not a part of, my God what's wrong with me - I must be different." And the only thing that satisfies that restless, irritable, dissatisfied nature in me is alcohol or drugs......"-- Wayne B.

I think that I will print this out as well. I have a lot of these same shortcomings. I understand a lot of what is behind the desire to be in "full flight from reality". The difference is that I faced my reality every day and became crazier and crazier because of that. I think that he and I need to get honest with each other about expectations and what I am willing to do and not willing to do as a sponsor in Al-Anon. I sure know that I can't fix an alcoholic.

Tired Monday

The July 4 celebration at the island was over the top. There were probably close to 400 boats and well over a thousand people on the beach.

I've tried to capture the scene here, but it's really hard to realize just how much drinking was going on unless you were there.

On Sunday, what was left on the beach was close to a ton of trash. I did the best that I could to pick up and consolidate the beer cans, liquor bottles, pieces of clothing, and coolers that were left. But it was a nearly impossible job.

I worked for over three hours in the morning and then decided that I needed to get others to help. I called the local Waterkeeper and he came out to give a hand, along with a news crew from the local network. Another friend who has a large pontoon boat came out and after hauling trash from the beach in a cart, it was all loaded on his boat to be carried to another location where it could be loaded into trucks.

I am tired from all of this today. I didn't think that so many young people would care so little about a place that I think is beautiful. It's a privilege to be able to walk that beach, and it has become a really special place to me. On Saturday it looked like a giant frat party. And on Sunday, it looked like a land fill.

Do you remember the commercial in which the Native American cried because of all the litter? Well, that was how I felt on Sunday.

At least the island was clean when we left. And I think that I heard it sigh happily as we sailed away near dark. Or maybe it was just the wind and waves.

Tradition Four

Here is Tradition Four in Al-Anon:
Each group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or Al-Anon or AA as a whole.

The principle of this tradition is self-government with accountability. The traits that characterize the spirit of this tradition are self-focus (not self-centered) and courtesy.

In the book Paths to Recovery (page 166), this tradition is clarified by a question: "Does this mean that in Al-Anon anything goes as long as the group agrees to it? " Nope. Decisions in Al-Anon need to be made as a group and for the good of the group as a whole. That's why there are group conscious meetings. And why it's important to stay for them.

I like how this tradition applies in personal relationships. There's a lot that it has to offer for families and couples. It requires that I become unselfish and consider how decisions affect "us" rather than how it just affects me.

Yet, I think that the fourth tradition gives relationships freedom. Each person in the relationship is free to choose what they want to do, yet there is also a responsibility to preserve the unity of the relationship as a whole. I can be autonomous without endangering the relationship. Too much autonomy without restraint could cause a lot of damage.

Autonomy doesn’t mean you don’t need the other person. It means that I can be who I am and not try to mold myself to be what others want me to be. I can still have my goals, desires, and dreams while intertwining them with the goals, desires, and dreams of another. I like the idea of two people being autonomous but working together as a union. Co-dependency isn't healthy and can be terribly restricting. Yet, I've surely been co-dependent most of my life.

Tradition 4 is also about my taking responsibility for my choices. I need to consider the consequences of my actions. The slogan that seems to come to mind is "THINK" and examine my actions before I undertake them. Thinking before acting has been hard for me because I am impetuous. I think but also will plunge ahead with a "damn the torpedoes" type attitude. So I obviously need to remember that I'm not powerless over my brain and can use restraint. That's where maturity comes in.

It seems that when I don't take responsibility, I can blame someone else when things don't go right. I blamed the alcoholic for my self-pity, anger, and misery. I didn't look hard at my actions and what I was doing until I came to Al-Anon.

There's a lot of good stuff to think about with this tradition. Check out Steve's blog Another Sober Alcoholic because he is writing about the traditions of AA and today he is on Numbah Foah. I'm glad that we are doing these at the same time. I don't have his captivating stories but offer what I've come to understand about how these traditions work in meetings and in my life.

Stick with it

I went to a great meeting on Tuesday evening that really got my thoughts going round and round. The topic was about loss. Most people shared about lost relationships. And how they lost themselves in dealing with alcoholism.

As people were sharing, I thought about how I really didn't realize how much I had lost, until I found myself in this program. I was determined never to be the quitter. I stuck with my wife through some bad times, I stuck with my mother during her depressions and last years, I stuck with my job during many periods of disillusionment, and I stuck with living even when I felt like such a loser.

Many times I've wanted to give up, run away, say I don't care, and move on. Is this a flaw within me that makes me stick things out regardless? Is this my fear of change? I ask myself these questions because I heard in the meeting that people were making decisions that they had put off. They were leaving their marriage, their job, the "safe" place and striking out to get what they wanted.

This topic of loss has made me realize that I stay through thick and thin because I feel a sense of responsibility. I also don't want to hurt other people. I think that I'm still willing to sacrifice what I would like to do for what I actually need to do. These are heavy thoughts for a Thursday.

I'm going to a meeting where maybe the thoughts will get quieter in my head.

Long week

It's only Tuesday but it feels like a long week already. I was spoiled from having so many days at home. And it doesn't help that my wife reminded me this morning how great retirement is. She said in a teasing way, "You ought to try it."

I've been thinking about retirement. I'll be pretty young when I retire. And I definitely don't want to sit around, watch TV, or complete endless lists of things that need to be done. I gave up the lists a while ago. I'm living on more of an "ad hoc" basic these days. And that feels good.

Anyway, I do make plans when it comes to work. I have to do that with my job as a department head. Reality is that I want to live one day at a time but also need to give consideration to career plans.

So this brings me to an idea that I've hatched. I'm thinking about submitting a proposal to be a Waterkeeper for some rivers in the southern part of the state. It's a non-profit group, the Waterkeeper Alliance, and acts as a watchdog for the waterways. I know the local Waterkeeper for the Harbor and it sounds like an ideal "volunteer" job for me.

There are lots of reasons to want to monitor the rivers and work to keep them at status quo or better. Here are just a few of those reasons:






You get the picture(s) right?

Finally, this is what I'm grateful for today:

• Thankful for a few days of warmer than usual temperatures
• Grateful for some good sharing at my home group meeting last night where we talked about humility
• Grateful that I no longer feel the need to let arrogance block me from others
• Grateful for another day in which I meet with a sponsee tonight and then go to a meeting
• Grateful for looking out a picture window for 28 years and seeing the Harbor and the city in the distance.
  

Have a good Tuesday everyone.

Double winners?

When I first heard the term "double winners", I didn't really care for it. I couldn't see who would "win" anything by being in AA and in Al-Anon. It seemed more like double losers. Nothing was won in a competition or even a lottery unless there's some sort of cosmic lotto that determines who stays sober and who doesn't.

But now I realize that those who have been in AA for a while and come to Al-Anon have been twice blessed. An AA who has found alanon or an alanon who has found AA is fully working the programs to their benefit and the benefit of all the others they touch with their story. They are winners in this life. They have my respect for their strength and courage to change.

One of the meetings that I go to has many "double winners". I benefit from hearing what they have to say. With their knowledge of both sides of the disease, they provide a powerful perspective because of their life experiences. I also like the idea of having Al-Anon talk in meetings with the focus being on the family disease of alcoholism.

Sometimes conflicts of interest do arise. A friend in the group who has been the GR has decided that he is also an alcoholic so there will be a group conscience meeting next week to discuss his replacement. A decision of the World Service Organization was that Al-Anon members who are also members of A.A. may hold office within their own Al-Anon or Alateen group, but may not serve as Al-Anon group representatives or hold Al-Anon office beyond the group level.

I'm glad that he made a decision to step aside as GR. He has been active and engaged with Al-Anon within the district but had the honesty and courage to set aside his personal agenda for the greater good.

Job reflections

It's Friday, and I'm ready to leave on my boat after work. I've been working here for a long time and the feel of the place has changed over the past five years. There have been funding cuts due to the tightening of grant funds, staff have left for other positions or retired, and the general atmosphere has become much more subdued. Maybe it's a reflection of the times that we are in.

At the manager's meeting today, I learned that another colleague is going to be leaving and going with private industry. We've lost over 8 Ph.D. positions in the past 2 years with the likelihood that they won't be immediately replaced. I have about 18 months to go before I retire from this position. That's a strange feeling. I've worked here all my professional life, except for a brief stint with EPA.

I have thought a little about what I might want to do after retiring but have decided not to make any plans. It's too far in the future anyway. I just keep my mind on what I immediately have to get done for the rest of today.

And then I can walk out the door and go sailing after work. I'm heading out to the island to stay on the boat for a couple of days. I'm looking forward to reading, relaxing, and sleeping. Have a great weekend.

Moving Forward

"Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.

Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them. We don't need to suffer with them.

It doesn't help.

It doesn't help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.

Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We're accountable for ourselves. They're accountable for themselves. We let them go, and let ourselves grow." --From the Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

This passage really sums up so many good things. Change is something that I used to fear but now I see that it's the only way to move out of the past and into the present. Waiting for someone else to change is useless, wanting for someone else to change is an expectation, and trying to change someone else is control. As I move along this journey of recovery, I can see the changes in me. And I'm grateful for what that means in my life.

Giving and taking

Taking the boat out of the water turned out to be a piece of cake. It was the flat tire on the trailer at the boat landing that put the wrench in the works. I had a hydraulic jack but it didn't lift the trailer high enough to get the tire off. Luckily, a couple was at the landing and offered a hand. They were sleeping in their car because both were down and out.

The fellow had the jack that I needed, and he offered to take me and the tire to a nearby service station to get some air put in. He told me that he and Jenna his girlfriend were sleeping in her SUV until they got back on their feet. They were going to drink beer, watch the water and spend the night. I wondered whether he might be an alcoholic.

He said that he didn't have enough money to buy gas so I have him the ten bucks that I had in my pocket. I wish it could have been more.

I've known that when my sympathies get the best of me, I want to give to people. I don't want to see anyone hurting. Learning to be a healthy giver is somewhat of a challenge for me. That's because I can get caught up in too much giving that is motivated by uncharitable feelings of guilt, shame, obligations, and pity.

In relationships with people, I either gave too much or too little. In either case, I was confused because my life and relationships weren't working.

Emotionally, I gave a lot for a long period of time and decided that giving too much resulted in resentment. I had to learn through the program that I needed balance. I wanted to make sure that my caring for another was motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for others and for myself.

I had to ask myself:
Am I giving because I want to or because I feel responsible to?
Am I feeling an obligation, guilt, shame or superior?
Am I afraid to say no?
Am I just wanting people to like me?
If I assist others, am I really enabling and thereby preventing others from facing their true responsibilities?
Am I giving because I want to and it feels right to me?

I have learned in recovery to choose what I want to give, to whom, when, and how much. And I'm not talking about material things here but emotional giving as well. I don't always get it "right" yet I know that recovery includes both giving and receiving. I have to inventory my actions to decide if I'm giving in healthy ways. It takes time to learn to receive and have gratitude. I know that balance will come as I continue to work the program.

Taxing time

I had a great weekend. I spent Saturday and Sunday on Compass Rose. Saturday's sail was not easy because of strong winds. I couldn't get where I wanted to go so had to anchor behind the bird rookery for a few hours. Then a miraculous shift in the wind occurred, enabling me to sail to my destination.

There were campers on the island and I met a few of them. Nice people who seemed to care that the island be maintained in its current state. I hope that it will be because it's one of the last undeveloped large islands near the city. In a time where every conceivable piece of property seems to be the target of developers, it's nice to have a place that is still wild but within proximity to the city.

I sailed back on Sunday after a good breakfast and a walk on the beach. I wish that I could have stayed longer but taxes were calling. They're done and ready to be mailed today. My wife and I owe around $7 K for Federal. It seems that if you make money, you owe money. Such is life. I'm just glad that I'm able to pay them.

Tonight's my home group meeting. I'm looking forward to that. This afternoon, I'm going to take annual leave and work on staining book cases for the library. We're almost done with the library and I should be able to post photos soon.

Anyway, have a great Monday. Take it easy and enjoy what the day offers. I'll catch up with you later.

Are you a hostage?

I am out of the house at last. I'm not held hostage by the cold bug any longer. I'm grateful for that.

So today I went to my first meeting this week. I heard some pain and I heard recovery. All of it was what I needed to hear.

One of the sharings was from someone in an alcoholic marriage. A couple of young children are the innocent ones. One of the adults is a high roller in business, winer and diner of clients, mostly drunk every day. The other adult accompanies the spouse to the wining and dining. A great deal of discomfort ensues. The accompanying spouse doesn't know what to do.

Her questions: "Do I and the children ride in a car with a drunk? Do I continue to go to affairs where the inevitable result is drunkenness? If I don't go with my spouse, I'm told I'm not being supportive and arguments ensue. What do I do?"

I was an emotional hostage in an alcoholic relationship. I rode in the car with my dad when he was drunk and weaving from side to side. I remember the feeling of shame and of not caring whether I lived or died. I also saw my future wife run off the road after a party during graduate school. She wasn't hurt but was angry that I had followed her. I let her drive off and felt helpless. And I've been left at parties in which she's gone into a rage and driven off. I count myself as lucky for that now.

So my own thoughts are:

I no longer will endanger myself or children by riding with a drunk.

I won't go to parties or places in which there is an alcoholic free for all.

I will not allow anyone else to make me feel responsible for their actions or choices.

I accept full responsibility for my actions and not the actions of any other adult.

I trust that whatever obstacles I am dealing with in this life, there are others who have been there and with the help of my HP, I'll find a way to a clear path.

I don't think that anyone deserves to be held hostage in a relationship. No amount of money, ego or guilt is worth the price of living in an emotional cage.

Having boundaries doesn't complicate life; boundaries simplify life.
--Beyond Codependency

Grieving our Losses

The meeting yesterday was good. We discussed the introduction to the book Grieving our Losses, which is a new CAL from Al-Anon. Many people in the group have suffered major losses of children, spouses, friends and parents.

I've lost both my parents but I've come to grips with that. What has struck me though is the need to grieve the free spirited kid that was me until alcohol came into the picture. I don't think that I ever really got good parenting that protected the little kid within me. There were a lot of expectations that I was to get good grades, be polite, do the right thing--these are all great things but when you're a kid exposed to heavy drinking, there is a balancing act between being responsible and having a lot of responsibility to live up to the expectations of others.

I felt that as I got older, I had a lot of expectations piled on me. That weight grew heavier with time and became almost suffocating in my marriage. I never really allowed myself to play much or break away from the daily grind of job and home responsibilities. After a while, I felt imprisoned because I didn't want to socialize for fear that my wife would get drunk, having people over was even worse because then there would be drinking at home. So I isolated and felt lonelier and lonelier.

One of the things that my wife would say with derision was "Oh, you're so predictable." And the other was that I acted like someone who was much older than I was. But just the other day, she said, "I need to be careful what I say because look what happened". Now she sees me as unpredictable and carefree, and a person who does things and has an attitude that is much younger than my years.

The ability to not live by the expectations of others has been a wonderful gift of this program. I do feel much freer in my heart and soul. The optimism of my early childhood is blossoming again and allowing me to feel positive about much of my life. These are things that I don't think would have been possible without this program of recovery.

Being all things to all people

I have been attending a study group that is currently focusing on the traditions.  We finished up Tradition five last week: Al-Anon has but one purpose to help families and friends of alcoholics. It really states our singleness of purpose in the program. But what struck me though was the idea that I can't be all things to all people.

The reading says " My primary concern is and must be my personal recovery. I cannot give to someone else something that I don't have." How true that is and it's something that I have only put into practice since being in the program.

I used to try to do everything that was asked of me. And then I would volunteer for more. If someone had expectations of me, then I tried to fulfill them. Now I know that I was running myself down trying to do what others wanted me to do. I was trying to be all things to all people and neglecting who I was.

Now I decide what I want to do and don't try to cram too much into one day. If I don't accomplish what I need to do in this day, then hopefully with the grace of my HP there will be another day coming. I don't get swamped in guilt to do the bidding of others. I show up for my meetings. I am there when I tell someone that I will be.  And I am here to do what I can to be a member of this household and take care of things in partnership here.

What's important is that what I do now, I do because it feels right. The demands made by others of my free time are not compelling reasons for me to lose my serenity. I can make choices to limit the things that I want to do.  And what a luxury that is these days.  I am finding many ways to spend my time on those things that I have dreamed about for years.  And for the most part, I am enjoying every moment.

Raucous Caucus

I have to make a comment on the Iowa results. I was listening to the news about the Iowa caucus and was glad to see so many people turned out with poor weather conditions to vote. The Dems had a bigger turnout than the Repubs which I found interesting. I was glad to see Obama do well. It's hard to say how this will turn out over the long days ahead but it is gratifying to see that people take him seriously. I like him and I like what I hear him saying. As one of the blogs I read stated, he made history by winning in Iowa regardless of how things go from now on.

This makes me wonder what makes a person want so much responsibility. There must be ego and conviction. To me, trying to effect change in DC would be like trying to push an elephant up a hill--you can strain and strain only to have the whole thing come crashing back on you, crushing you in the end.

I used to take on way too much at work, letting my ego volunteer me for everything. And it almost burned me out. Now, I'm trying to divest myself of as much as I can at work. I am selective about which proposals I review, I don't volunteer to be on as many committees and I do my best to prioritize what I have to do ahead of what I might like to do. I don't know whether this is a result of the program but something definitely is different. It seems the Keep It Simple and First Things First slogans are being applied in my job.

And I definitely look forward to the weekends when I can do something or nothing. So to all the presidential candidates, good for you. I'm glad that you want the job. Like they say, somebody has to do it and I'm just glad that it isn't me.