A delicate balance

I was thinking about Al-Anon's new book on intimacy in relationships with an alcoholic.  I've noticed over the years of living in an alcoholic relationship, I've wanted to say "get sober, grow up, be responsible, quit making excuses, get over yourself" so that we can share the joys of having a real relationship.  It's so easy to point the finger at someone else and make all that is wrong their fault.  But in living and loving another person, you get out of it what you you put in.  Or do you?

It takes time in recovery to understand that both parties are responsible when it comes to a relationship.  No one gets away unscathed.   I've learned that my partner is not my emotional punching bag, my therapist, my scape goat,  or a continuous fount of love, tolerance and forgiveness.   There are many human limitations that just are, whether a person is alcoholic or not.  


But what about life before recovery.  What was that like in terms of having a loving relationship?  I thought that the narcissistic selfishness and total disregard for the feelings of others was a relationship killer.  Blame is one of the hot potatoes that gets tossed around in a relationship with an alcoholic.   In the past, I was blamed for a lot of things.  I was blamed for not doing things well, for doing them too well, for not wanting to go along with what others wanted, and for being too compliant.  I know now that this was an attempt to take the focus off them so that no guilt would be felt. If you can't control your own life, then it is much easier to blame others rather than face and own your own problems.

The solution, as one therapist put it, is to learn to say "NO" and mean it.  I can remember being angry at myself for putting everyone else first.  I was trying to please and getting no where.  I was furious that I did this, but seemed powerless to stop.  I didn't understand the alcoholic's selfish inability to empathize with others or understand why I might be angry or hurt by their selfish behaviors. It took years before I realized that I was not making anyone happy, including myself, by agreeing to do what others wanted and disregarding my own feelings.

The behavior of the person living and loving an alcoholic is as crazy as that of the alcoholic.  I would say I was sorry for things that I didn't do.  I would try to make the peace over some argument that I didn't start.  The therapist I went to told me that I had to stop accepting the blame for those things that weren't mine to own.  And that message is also echoed in Al-Anon--that I don't have to pick up the baggage of another or own someone else's problem.

As a result, I have learned to say what I mean without saying it meanly.  And that includes being able to say "No" when I don't want to do something.  I don't accept being blamed for things that I didn't do, nor do I feel overwhelming guilt that I am not doing something that someone else wants me to.

I am getting better at saying, "Screw guilt".  And our relationship is much more in balance now than ever.  We agree on things that we will do together.  And we discuss those things that one or the other of us doesn't want to do.  We make compromises, not excuses.  But we have each other's back.  Loving and caring for others is part of having a relationship.  It is a delicate balance in which both parties have a voice.

And then finally this thought about how we are just trying to get along in this life:

"there is a loneliness in this world so great

that you can see it in the slow movement of

the hands of a clock.

people so tired

mutilated

either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other

one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich

the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us

that we can all be

big-ass winners.

it hasn't told us

about the gutters

or the suicides.

or the terror of one person

aching in one place

alone

untouched

unspoken to

watering a plant."

— Charles Bukowski (Love is a Dog from Hell) 

Jump start my spirit

I feel as if I need something to jump start my spirit today.  I haven't been to a meeting this week due to being on the road.   I had set up three meetings with sponsees yesterday and today, but each one of them has canceled.  And I feel a bit lost about this.  You see, I get a lot of my recovery from working with others. It is as mutualistic a relationship as the bee with the flower: the flower gets its pollen passed to another flower and the bee gets a food reward from nectar.  Somehow my spirit thrives when there is such "cross pollinating" with others in the program. 

I talked to each of the sponsees.  Life is going on for them just as it has for me this week.  One canceled due to concentrating on a daughter's graduation, one canceled because he needed to rest,  another canceled because of another event that came up.  I talked to another sponsee who was taking his dad to an appointment.  He said that he would call back but hasn't.  And another sponsee hasn't called in two weeks.

I called my sponsor this morning to check up on him and chat.  It is almost a daily thing for me.  We connect, talk about things, share what is going on and then go about our day.  But there is a connection.  I'm not sure how the connection broke down this week with my sponsees.  Yep, I was out of town but only heard from them to cancel.  Maybe they are doing great.  I hope so.  I simply have to let them go about their business.

I also received an admonishing email from an old colleague who thought that C and I must go to Virginia to a memorial service this weekend for another colleague who died a couple of months ago.  The email stated that being the best friend of the deceased (J.), he knew that J. would want us there.  He wrote:
"I would have gone to India for J.'s memorial, but then he really was my best friend, and you rarely get one of those.  Can you believe there will be 300 people there?  Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain.  It’s not something you learned in school. But if you haven’t  learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything."

Maybe this was designed to instill guilt, maybe to control and manipulate, or maybe it was purely about his losing his best friend.  I don't know but decided that the lecture on friendship was really a bit much.  We both talked to J. before he died.  He is gone now.  I can just as well remember him the way that he once was.  In fact, I much prefer that. Besides, I doubt if J. really cares at this point how many people are there or whether we are. The spirit world is much more forgiving than the world of the living. 

As for a renewal of my spirit, I'm going to go out on the boat this weekend.  No surprise there. It's going to be hot but a decent breeze.  I will not spend too much time musing on sponsee commitments, guilt trips, or other matters that I am powerless over.  In fact, I can feel my spirits lift after writing this down.  Thanks for reading.

Guilt

"Perhaps the most severe damage to those who have shared some part of life with an alcoholic comes in the form of the nagging belief that they are somehow at fault; they were not up to it all, not attractive enough, not clever enough to have solved this problem for the one they love. They think it was something they did or did not do. These are their feelings of guilt." from Understanding Ourselves and Alcoholism

The meeting topic last night was on guilt. I'm feeling spectacularly guilt free these days. But I haven't always felt that way and every now and then there will be that nagging little feeling of guilt that starts to creep into my head.

I can remember a friend in graduate school who apologized for everything. He said "I'm sorry" about 100 times a day. He said it so much that it became meaningless.

I don't have a desire to hoard up guilt. But like my friend in graduate school, I still have a tendency to take the guilt from someone else to make sure that they don't have any. And sometimes I don't realize what I'm doing. It seems like an automatic response when someone hurts my feelings. I seem to revert back to that little boy who wants to make sure the other person feels okay, so I take their guilt.

But I'm learning in the program to pay attention and notice when I start to pick up something that isn't mine, like guilt. I've heard to "screw guilt". Another good one that I read is "guilt is like herpes: its the gift that keeps on giving."

I don't want guilt to cloud my vision of the facts. I don't want to become enmeshed with my own emotions to the point that I lose the true motive of guilt which is to remind me of wrong and right and the humanity of each of us. I know that in spite of my character defects, I'm one of God's creatures.

In this program, I've learned that I can acknowledge my wrongs (Step Four) and set the wrong right by making an amends (Step Nine). I also know that through the second and third steps that I can surrender to my Higher Power all of my guilt, earned and unearned.

Here are some questions that I can ask myself if I feel the need to have a guilty moment:

Is this guilt I am feeling about a direct action of mine?
Did I do something out of spite, revenge, meanness or cruel intent?
Did I not do something because I simply forgot or was otherwise occupied?

If I answer NO to these questions, then I am probably taking on guilt that I don't own. I might need to look at my sense of over responsibility and seek guidance from my HP for healing and letting that go.

If I answered YES to these questions, then I can seek my HP's guidance in what amends need to be made. Holding onto guilt isn't going to solve anything. Ultimately, I need to remember to "Learn the Lesson, Let go of the guilt".

Still rackin' and rollin'

I'm at work today, but the ground won't stay still. I'm still swaying with the motion of the boat. I got a good night's sleep in a bed that wasn't shaped like a V. We laughed about our feet being crammed down into the V and our butts bumping together in the night.

There isn't much room on a boat for being uncomfortable in each other's company. You're in a small space where you cook, eat, use the bathroom, sleep and read. The great thing is that in this limited area, we didn't get on each other's nerves. That's one of the first times that we've been on the boat and not had a real serenity breaker. I think that made the trip even more special for both of us.

I'm supposed to go to physical therapy for my rotator cuff injury today, but I'm not into it. I feel like going home and vegging out. I'm still in "island time" and not really in the mood for doing a bunch of shoulder exercises. Besides, I'm supposed to do these exercises twice a day and only did them once a day on the boat. So I'm feeling a little bit guilty about not following the protocol. (My sponsor says "screw guilt" so I'm all over that today).

Plus I'm supposed to ice my shoulder twice daily. Are you kidding me? We were lucky to still have cold water in the cooler after Monday. I didn't want to cuddle up with the cold orange juice bottle. So that may explain why last night my shoulder felt like it had a bad toothache.

Anyway, I'm happy and contented in a peaceful, accepting way. Not even the torture or recriminations by the PT is going to drive that away today.

Hope that your Wednesday is going well.

Screw guilt

A meeting topic this week focused on guilt. It seems to be something that rises up for various reasons and can drag us down if we let it. Guilt is defined as having remorse for having done something wrong. What is important is to decide to forgive ourselves by letting go of what others have done to us. Forgiveness is where healing occurs.

I know that it's easy to slip into the feelings of guilt. But guilt is like almost all feelings, best just felt and let go. The danger for me comes when guilt turns into shame, the feeling that I am somehow a bad person for making choices that bring on guilt. I feel it is natural to feel some guilt when I make a choice to take care of myself at the cost of someone else's needs. It is unhealthy though if I let that turn into shame.

I think that most people who have been affected by alcoholism feel guilt. It's a powerful tool used by both the alcoholic and the co-dependent. One woman shared in the meeting that her alcoholic son wanted to come home for Christmas, yet she thought his coming home would be a disruption to her and the rest of the family. She felt a lot of guilt about the decision. At this time, she has established a boundary and isn't ready to have her son come home.

Perhaps as time progresses, her guilt will ease. I know that as I've grown in recovery, I've let go of the past and realized that I don't want to harbor resentment for those who have hurt me. Forgiveness is what I can give both others and myself when I let go of guilt. I forgive myself when I put my needs ahead of others. I have learned to forgive my parents for things that hurt me when I was a kid. I don't make excuses for what happened but I've learned to not hold onto the resentment because it will ultimately hurt me.

Another great weekend

It seems that my life today is on a path of happiness. I know that my own mind can cause things to go awry if I'm not working the program but for the moment all seems okay. I had a brief trip out of town, followed by some time back home just relaxing.

I took my laptop with me while I was away but never even opened it. For some reason, I just felt like enjoying some down time without emails or any other reminders of things that I needed to get done. I just wanted to take the time to relax, get one commitment that I had to do completed, and then just wander around, eat at a nice restaurant, and generally be lazy.

I had some work that I could have done but I just didn't want to do anything that would interfere with the freedom and happiness that I felt. It is uncharacteristic of me to think this way. I've always been the one who had to get going, work on things, felt responsible, and felt guilty for not doing. I seem to have lost my guilt and my urge to be busy. I want to do those things that feel good and that simply allow me to exist in a peaceful state. Some days I think that I may be shirking too much responsibility and feeling too good. Maybe it's the pink cloud or the fourth dimension or some altered state of mind but whatever it is, I know that my way of thinking is very different than it was before I came into the program. For that, I'm grateful.

Hanging on to something for too long

One of the things that stuck in my mind from the meeting today was the idea that we hang onto things for too long. We may hang onto a job that we really don't like hoping that it will improve. We may hang onto possessions that we no longer need, thinking that we might just need them someday. Or we might hang onto relationships hoping that they will eventually develop into the perfect friendship or love.

I don't know about you but I'm guilty of all of the above. I've held onto things because to change course would bring out feelings of abandonment, fear, and guilt. Hoping that things will be better is really like a fantasy. I can conjure up the perfect job and the perfect relationship but deep down I know that there is no such thing. Sometimes it's just easier to think about the fantasy than to act. To take action means that I have to leave the safe place that I think I'm in. I have to be honest and admit to my fears, yet trust in my HP that by taking action, I am moving forward and will have spiritual guidance along the way.

I know that I want to do some house cleaning and not hold onto something or someone because of the comfort that I hope will come again. I simply don't know that I'm any closer to taking action than I was a month or so ago. The fear of the unknown has me blocked and uncertainly is holding me back. My hope is that by working through Step 5, I'll have a clearer understanding of what I really want to do.

Letting some one else be my Higher Power

My sponsor and I talked about guilt last night. It seems that I have an over abundance of that, even when I've nothing to feel guilty about. I have gotten better since being in the program but the guilt beast is still lurking in me, ready to challenge peace and happiness at a moment's notice.

Another big thing for me is self-criticism. So if someone finds out that I am harsh on myself or have that streak of integrity that means I want to do the "right" thing, then it's likely that I will cough up what ever it is you're after. I know that I've caved in and acquiesced when I'm criticized. Usually when that happens then I'm left with guilt, self-loathing and resentment. It doesn't make for a pleasant day when the chain gets yanked and your toilet is flushed.

So, what kind of scenario sets this up in my head? Well, work used to do it to me. I would take on way more things than I could handle because I thought that it was expected of me. I had to be the one to get it all done and have it be the best. I would spend nights and weekends getting these extra projects done. For what??? What generally happens is that more work is piled on because everyone then knows that you're the sucker whose willing to take it all without complaining. Yet, in my head I was screaming with resentment and anger.

So, what I've learned is to not let work or anyone else be my Higher Power. I can say No with only a twinge of guilt or sometimes none at all. I don't take on extra work anymore, and I don't volunteer for any "atta boy" crap at work. I keep my free time open and I keep my nights and weekends sacred.

Letting someone or something else be my Higher Power means that I am letting someone else control my feelings, thoughts, beliefs and actions. What I need to remember is that I'm not responsible for what occurs to others, nor can I control what others think of me. I don't have to be involved in the problems and choices of others. Instead I am learning to concentrate on my own life and personal growth. I have to turn things that are beyond my control over to my HP and just let go of my compulsions.