The common good

As a culture, we seem to have little respect for limits.  We want limitless access to so many things that are important for day to day living.  Limitless access to fossil fuels and to fisheries come to mind.  But we also want limitless access to firearms, health care, and countless other things that we consider to be our "rights".

One of the most telling parables of limits comes from Garrett Hardin's, "Tragedy of the Commons".  In this 1968 article in Science, he describes what happened when limits aren't recognized and respected.  A commons was a pasture that belonged collectively to a village. Everyone in the village grazed cattle on the commons. As the number of animals owned by the village approached the capacity of the commons, the problem took the following form:

A villager could buy one more cow and gain the full income that a cow provided. The damage caused by one cow too many grazing the pasture would be small compared with the gain. Of course, the entire community would suffer from the damage because eventually the grass would be consumed. Yet,  every member of the village was motivated to keep adding cows. The tragedy is that, to preserve the commons, the personal freedom of the villagers had to be curtailed.

In the article, Hardin illustrates the critical flaw of freedom in the commons: all participants must agree to conserve the commons, but any one can force the destruction of the commons. Although Hardin describes exploitation by humans in an unregulated public pasture, his commons and "grass" principle fit into our society today.

I see examples from society today in which exploitation seems to be almost a right.  If each person decides to exploit a resource, regardless of what it is, there can be dire consequences.

In Al-Anon, Tradition One states that "Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity."  Unity is based on harmonious cooperation. It means that I am willing to listen to the ideas, feelings, and opinions of others with an open mind. It means that I can share my own views but not insist on promoting my own way as the only way. Without unity, our groups would fail. And without the group, there is no place for the newcomer to go.  Eventually, the whole structure would fail if we didn't think of the common good of all who come through the doors seeking recovery.

Unity also applies in relationships outside meetings. We each have needs and rights, but it's important to also have mutual respect for each other in relationships: with members of our family, with business associates, and friends. With unity, the whole is greater than any of its parts. I may think that I'm right, but it's also important to see the other person's viewpoint and allow them the dignity to do what they need to do. Living with another is much easier when I don't insist that my way is the only way.

Thinking of the common good has to come first in a family, workplace, and society  if we are to function in a healthy manner.  When I start putting my needs above that of my wife, then I know that she won't be happy and there will be an imbalance that leads to disharmony and probably resentment.  If I can maintain balance, thinking of what she needs as well as my own needs, then life is much easier.

When I keep the common good in mind and recognize that I am part of something bigger than just me, I seem to do much better in relationships with others.  I can express my opinion, listen to what others have to say, and reach an agreement that is amenable.  I do my best to let go of the results when I don't get my way.  I can talk things out with others but in the end, my idea may not be the one that is accepted.

I am reminded every day of how powerless I am over others.  I simply can't control what they are going to do.  Even though I consider the common good, another person may be selfish and only consider their own agenda.  I do have the right to state my opinion and thoughts. After that, I have to let it go.  

Cross talk

My home group meeting has several newcomers to Al-Anon. And they know each other from their church. So with their familiarity, the meeting becomes a bit dominated by the newcomers who like to cross talk with each other.

Personally, I find the interruptions distracting. Meetings are a sacred place for me. And to have chatter going on about shares is mostly a serenity breaker for me. I guess that I'm a bit rigid when it comes to meeting formats. It's that perfectionist character defect coming up.

Actually, the World Service Organization has no rule against "cross talk" though it is avoided as a matter of custom at most of the meetings I attend. Typically "cross talk" refers to people speaking out of turn, interrupting someone while they are speaking or giving direct advice to someone in a meeting. At most meetings, we each share our own experience and avoid giving direct advice or lecturing a group or individual.

Sometimes the cross talk can take a harmful format though. I've not heard it much but occasionally have heard from newcomers: "You really oughta" or "You need to" or simply not speaking from experience, strength and hope.

Because Al-Anon has no "rules", the ultimate arbiter of the subject is the individual group. I can see that newcomers often need to speak up and are seeing much of what is shared from their own painful perspective. That's really okay as they need to feel safe and just have the courage to speak up in the group.

And if members know one another well, as they tend to in small groups like my home group, they feel comfortable about adding to what another said. Often there will be a crisis situation that will be shared. Last night, a member shared that her son had gone back out and was arrested. She shared her pain and others chimed in to reassure or to share theirs.

But there is a different view point on cross talk too. Having come from a situation in which there was alcoholism, I often felt invalidated and ignored. What I wanted was to be heard and listened to. So giving each other undivided attention and acceptance at meetings is reassuring in many ways. I don't want someone to editorialize my share, belittle what I have to say, or offer advice in a meeting.

For me, cross talk is a fragile balance between being direct and to the point and between interrupting to the extent where I wonder is this helping ANYONE or is this just taking up space and using up oxygen in the room? We are only experts on us. Barring psychosis, we know what we did and where we were and how we felt about it. The "Why" isn't always so obvious and takes a lot of inventorying.

But people who are allowed to analyze other people have to have a degree in psychology and a license. When someone shares in an Al-Anon meeting, the value, besides letting them unload, is in letting us see ourselves through their stories. We may not be in all of them, but we will be in many. And in seeing ourselves through the mirror of another person we can be helped to change ourselves. It is not our responsibility to change that person, and we have no reason to assume we are qualified to point out what they are doing right or wrong.

Another viewpoint about cross talking can be inferred from the Traditions. It may violate Tradition One which speaks of our unity and common welfare. And it also seems that Tradition Twelve which says that we place principles above personalities comes into play. I like the idea of keeping the meetings principle centered and not personality centered.

It is to the particular credit of our program that each group, autonomous yet devoted to the principles of the program is free to develop its own personality and that in many places there are a number of meetings in which each of us can find the group which nurtures us in our growth.

Unity

I went to an open AA meeting recently that is called the Three Legacies group. It's a speaker meeting. What made this meeting different was that the speakers wear a suit. And that it's stated up front that if there are problems other than alcohol, people are asked to go to the appropriate 12 step meeting for help. In other words, this meeting stresses singleness of purpose.

I like the fact that the group is called the Three Legacies. And I thought that I'd write some posts about those legacies and about the traditions in Al-Anon. I've come to understand that the steps are my guide to recovery and help me get my life together. The traditions teach me how to live with others and help guide my behavior.

I've heard that the unity of AA and Al-Anon is the most cherished and valuable quality that our fellowships have. Our lives and the lives of all to come depend upon it.

Tradition One in Al-Anon states that: Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity. The principle of this tradition is unity. And the traits of this tradition are honesty, open-mindedness, mutual respect, and willingness to be vulnerable.

Unity is based on harmonious cooperation. It means that I am willing to listen to the ideas, feelings, and opinions of others with an open mind. It means that I can share my own views but not insist on promoting my own way as the only way. Without unity, our groups would fail. And without the group, there is no place for the newcomer to go.

I've seen the result of overbearing opinions and how detrimental that can be to a meeting. Ultimately, disregard for unity of the program is destructive. It drives people away. If egos drive a meeting, then God is driven out. This is something to think about before going to a meeting.

Unity also applies in relationships outside the program. We each have needs and rights, but it's important to also have mutual respect for each other in relationships: with members of our family, with business associates, and friends. With unity, the whole is greater than any of its parts. I may think that I'm right, but it's also important to see the other person's viewpoint and allow them the dignity to do what they need to do. Living with another is much easier when I don't insist that my way is the only way.

"Unity presents not only the necessary climate for the growth of Al-Anon as a whole but also the atmosphere in which each member within the group may acquire peace of mind. " from The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

I, too, sing America

I, too, sing America.

I am the darker brother.
They send me to eat in the kitchen
When company comes,
But I laugh,
And eat well,
And grow strong.

Tomorrow,
I'll be at the table
When company comes.
Nobody'll dare
Say to me,
"Eat in the kitchen,"
Then.

Besides,
They'll see how beautiful I am
And be ashamed--

I, too, am America.

by Langston Hughes

I am grateful for this day.
I am grateful for the hope that it brings.
I am grateful for the idea of unity from Tradition One.
I am grateful for the unity that I see taking place in this country.
I am grateful to be able to sing America today.

Unity and Tradition One

"Unity presents not only the necessary climate for the growth of Al-Anon as a whole but also the atmosphere in which each member within the group may acquire peace of mind. " The Twelve Steps and Traditions

We talked about Tradition One last night. Unity is certainly one of the great things about the program. And unity can equate to harmony in our daily lives.

I have learned that I don't have to be right about everything. I don't have to try to exert my will over others. Acceptance of the minority viewpoints and willingness to listen to what others have to say will not only be a good guide in meetings but in life as well.

That's what's so great about the program. It's the fact that these are principles for living. All I need to do is be willing to surrender and check my ego at the door. If I listen to others, then I can learn something from everyone who shares E, S, and H.

I'm grateful for the honesty of the newcomer last night who shared something that was painful to her. And I'm grateful to help celebrate the 17 years of recovery by a gracious lady in my home group. She shared that by giving up control, she gained much more than she ever thought. Keep coming back, it works.

Away again

I was away all day yesterday at a meeting in Virginia. Got up at 4 AM and caught a very early flight and got back home around 11:30 PM last night. It was a meeting with several other scientists.

I guess that it's been a while since I've seen scientific egos go at each other. But watching the one-up-manship at work made me glad that I have a choice of whether to join in or just sit still. I chose the latter.

I can remember how I'd get pleasure in years past of feeling full of myself and being arrogant when I knew that I was right about a study or had the data to substantiate a point. I'd hammer it home. Now I think back on what an ego driven jerk I could be. I wouldn't ever be yelling but sometimes just cold hard statements are even worse. So witnessing yesterday's tirade by one of the scientists made me realize once again that I'm thankful that I can accept a divergence of opinion and work towards a way to unify people in a discussion. This is a good example to me of how Tradition One works in the program and in my life.