Quieting my head

I've been doing my best to catch up on blog posts.  I still have a long way to go on that but am getting there.  I'm glad that you write a lot because blogs have become a way of gaining knowledge and growth in my program of recovery. And the comments you make help me as well.

I was reading a comment from Mark (The Walking Man) who asked if I ever quiet my mind.  I can do that when I am at peace within.  In fact, a quiet mind is my usual state on the boat.  Sometimes, my mind is so quiet that it is blank--I'm not thinking about anything really.

At first, I wasn't sure that having a blankness was good.   I have been an analytical person all my life.  I was paid to think and analyze.  When the world pushes too hard at me,  I look for a solution.  Most of the time, I don't find one.  But I like the idea of thinking in terms of solutions and not about all that is wrong or problematic.

I don't like to have the wheels going in my head all the time though.  I believe that there is some action on my part that I can do, even if just to observe a situation and learn from it.  After that, I leave things alone and let others be.  I do think that things will work out the way that they are supposed to without my trying to orchestrate them to my liking.  And if my mind isn't necessarily quiet at times, at least I am making consistent efforts at keeping my mouth quiet.

I am still struck by reacting, especially when I am confronted by ignorance, hatred, bigotry, unfairness, and toxic behavior.  I want to reason with those who are unreasonable.  And it doesn't work most of the time.  As an example, it is rare anymore to have a civil discussion about politics.   Engaging in a political discussion is the quickest way that I know to lose quietness of the mind. I either say nothing when the accusations start flying or walk away--most of the time.

I do believe that some of us are born to live inside of our heads.  I was one of those who thinks a lot.  But I also know that it's good for me to talk or write about what I think.  That has been a big improvement for me--to not keep everything bottled up inside or to ruminate over and over on something.  Processing events takes time.  Eventually,  I let go and get back to having quietness and stillness.  Ebbs and flows.  Ebbs and flows.  Light and dark. Quiet.

Be quiet. Quietness is the surest sign

that you’ve died.

Your old life was a frantic running

from silence.

The speechless full moon  

comes out now.

- Rumi

Teaching respect

Most of us don't realize that we are all teachers. I can think of many instances where someone has provided a lesson for me, most likely without even being aware of it. These lessons may be very subtle, almost below the surface of awareness.

I know that I learned a lot of lessons from the alcoholic. I found that I lost respect for my wife because of the drinking. I reacted in negative ways. I became so obsessed with getting her to change that I forgot about the person that she was. I was obsessed with her problem and also forgot about myself.

It wasn't until coming to Al-Anon and going to open AA meetings that I learned the difference between hating the disease and not the alcoholic. Both programs taught me about having respect for others. I learned that everyone has the right to be their own person – no matter what their problems are or how they decide to manage their lives.

I think that is how I began to see that in order for others to respect me, I have to respect myself. I've learned in the program to look at myself and to be aware of my actions and behaviors. I've learned not to control others but to let them go so that they can be their own person.

My actions and not reactions are what help others to respect me. I've learned to keep healthy boundaries but not show hate or contempt for another. I realized after being in Al-Anon that all the years that I spent in anger, disdain, and contempt really did nothing to help either of us.

However, there are times when I think that people in my life take me for granted, tune me out, or disregard my feelings. I know that these are sensitive areas for me. And that if I don't pay attention to the feelings, I will start to slip.

I suspect that the roots of this behavior began early on in my relationship with others. So what did I do early on? I put up with things in order to keep the peace, make a good impression, avoid confrontation, and generally get along in childhood and in my marriage. And so the people in my life learned what I would and would not tolerate and what to expect from me.

It doesn't take long for these "lessons" that I taught to become deeply ingrained. And then that leads to my complaints: "Why does everyone always take me for granted? I'm tired of being the "responsible" one. Can't anyone take me seriously? Doesn't my time matter? Don't I matter?"

So what's the solution? What can I do if I'm unhappy with how others treat me? I needed a new "lesson plan". And that's where the steps and traditions come in. So here's what I decided:

• It wasn't very productive to beat myself up over what I did in the past. I need to be gentle with myself. Screw guilt! I reacted before because I didn't really know how to react. I was just trying to survive. In the present, I can develop new behaviors.
• I can look at what I have been tolerating and make some boundaries that I want others to respect. I need to enforce those boundaries.
• I need to make it clear to others what my own needs, wants and dreams are. I need to decide what the new "messages" are that I want to send.
• I have the right to speak up when my feelings get stepped on. If I want to be treated well, I have to make an effort to explain what I need, rather than pulling back and struggling with frustration. It is up to me to provide enough information to others so that they know where I stand and what my boundaries are.
• It doesn't accomplish anything for me to feel helpless or like a victim. That just leads to blame, resentment and rescue attempts that make me feel bad.

I think that the biggest help to me has been keeping my emotions in balance and not being afraid to ask for what I need. By getting more in touch with what I feel, the good and the bad, I have gotten in touch with what I need in a relationship with others. It just feels much better to do that than to vent and complain.

Twarted attempts

Today has been a day spent in a whirlwind of effort to 1) study for the exam that I will take tomorrow night and 2) get to my regular Tuesday Al-Anon meeting.  I did get some of the studying done, getting through a review of the lectures.  But I was also waylaid for about four hours by attempting to get my wireless printer to print.

I have this incredibly stubborn streak when it comes to getting electronic equipment to work.  I fiddled with the wifi printer for over an hour,  did not get any results so I called the tech support for this printer.  I was on the phone for about an hour with one Tech who was the basement level trouble shooter.  After he could not get anything going with the printer, I was sent to Level 2 tech support.  There I connected with Wayne who worked with me for over two hours.  Wayne sounded a bit German or Scandinavian in his accent so during one of our 15 minute software downloads, I asked him where he was really located.  The caller id said Salt Lake City, Utah. 

It turns out that Wayne is in Manilla.  Although I am sure his real name isn't Wayne, he is a great fellow who was totally patient and a speed reader as he must have read about 100 pages of a trouble shooting manual as we were working on getting this wifi printer going.  After downloading new software and tweaking a few other things, we were able to successfully get the printer doing what it was supposed to do.

Meanwhile, I was keeping an eye on the clock as the afternoon slipped away and the time for my meeting came and went.  Wayne said that I had been extraordinarily patient.  I suppose that I had been.  I was a hostage to my desire to get the damn printer up and going.  So I was finally able to print the documents I needed, but missed the meeting.  I could tell that I really need a meeting.  But once I started with the printer and began working with Wayne in Manilla,  I was determined to see this through.

At the end of the conversation,  I told Wayne that I would like to write a letter of commendation for his help.  He said that as long as we had resolved the issue and got the printer working, he was just fine with that.  He and I shared a laugh when I said that I should buy him dinner. A nice fellow who no doubt works for a pittance of what his expertise would pay in the US.

Maybe I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  Not necessarily where I wanted to be, but where I was supposed to be.  God, I can dogmatically pursue things at time.  Maybe that is why I have had a successful career.  I seek a solution and work to get there.  Maybe that is what I do in Al-Anon as well.  I seek a solution and work the steps to get to recovery.  I know that I have enormous staying power to see things through to the end.  That is a double-edged sword, I suppose.

Wayne ended his day with a success.  I ended mine with a solution.  We both were happy. And I finished up studying the lecture notes for the exam.  Now I am going to bed and will be glad to let go of what might have been different about today.  I missed the meeting but maybe learned something about patience and helped a worker in the Philippines feel happy.  Not so shabby after all.