Vegetative state

I have been amazingly worthless this week.  I am wondering about my lack of energy.  I'm not depressed but wanting to cocoon, stay home, read and take naps.  So I have done just that.  I have not been to the boat, have not done much of anything outside, and have only driven off the property a couple of times.

I think that all is a bit "off" because my wife is spending the nights with her parents. When she gets home in the morning, we have coffee, read the paper,  and catch up on how things were the night before.  I really don't want to go anywhere once she is home, and that feels okay.

I have a tendency to be solitary so cocooning at home isn't that unusual.  When I was working, the days between Christmas and New Year's Day were when I rested and did as little as possible.  I knew that once the Christmas holiday was over, there would be few long stretches of time when I would be able to vegetate.  In the last few years, my cocooning has been on the boat.  I much prefer being out on the water and away from the marina, and right now that isn't possible.

In a few days, I will be taking a road trip to Florida.  The thought of the long drive isn't appealing.  Maybe I am preparing subconsciously for the drive and being away by resting and staying at home.  I will be there for a few days and then head back home.  I'm trying to psych myself up for the trip.  I'm not being very successful at that for the moment.

I did manage to go see the movie "War Horse".  It was a throwback to the type of feel good movies that Hollywood used to make.  I like a good horse or dog story.  And somehow I think that this was as much about how terrible war is as it was about fate and how it may work in our favor.

Today, I am going to debone the turkey and help C. make a turkey pot pie.  She scoffs at turkey leftovers, but I think that this might actually be a good tasty dish.  Okay, this paragon of domesticity is going to get to work.  And then it will be time for a nap.....

It's spooning time

Last night and tonight have been refreshingly chilly.  That means the temperatures have dipped into the upper 50's along this stretch of the coast.  Today we had all the windows open  The northeast breeze was coming in to replace the conditioned air of a house shut up against the summer heat with the smell of the outdoors in fall.

The nights have been delightful for sleeping.  In the summer,  it's hard to be comfortable at night even with ceiling fans and AC going.  I don't know how you sleep when the weather is hot and sticky.  But we seem to do much better when the frost is on the pumpkin.

You see, we have slept together for all of our married life and for a few years before that.  There have been occasions during the drinking years, that I would leave and go sleep on the couch.  But most of the time,  we have slept together.  We started out in a double bed when we first married.  We kept that bed for many years.  It was bought from a fellow graduate student.

Later, after we moved here,  we bought a queen size tester bed.  That's what we have slept in for years.  The mattress has been changed over the past four years and is thick and comfortable.  We went to the mattress store and lay around on various mattresses to try them out.  C. thought that she wanted one of the Swedish mattresses until she actually had lain on one.  She kind of sank into it and declared that it was too hot and felt as if she were being engulfed.  Obviously, those mattresses probably do better in colder climates such as Sweden where it would be nice to sink deep into a mattress when it is -5 C.  

I don't sleep well when it's hot.  I don't want a lot of covers on me or clothes.  It is a good idea to have a queen size bed since it allows us to drift to cooler parts of the bed in the summer.  And when the cool nights come in fall, we become heat seekers and sleep like two spoons with arms and legs intertwined.  In winter, we become a bit competitive with the blankets.  Sometime in the middle of the night,  one of us with try to hijack the blanket, leaving the other stuck out in the cold.  I'm not going to say who the hijacker is.

Even when we aren't spooning, I like the idea of being able to reach out an arm or leg and touch her as she is lying there.  It is a comfort.  And tonight, well, I think that it's cool enough that we will likely sleep snuggled together with the window open, the water garden making its splashing sound, and the sweet smell of tea olive on the breeze.

Innocence

She looks at me through green eyes rimmed with dark silky lashes.  

She delights in the most simple of things,

which makes me want to give her so much more.  

Sometimes I will simply watch her sleep.  

She is indeed older now, with fine lines around her mouth.  

But she still looks amazingly youthful.  

Her skin is smooth and warm.  

I still see the young woman that I met so many years ago. 

Her innocence is still there, 

her heart still open and trusting, 

her gaze still level and inquiring, 

her smile is still warm and inviting. 

I wonder how she sees me. 

Does she see innocence in me still?

Or have the years put a hard edge on me 

that her softness can't seem to dull. 

I wrote this watching my love sleep.  Her arm was flung across her chest, her breath came softly, and her hair was in a tangle.  I wanted to reach out to hold her but was captivated by her innocence.  My heart was full of love.

The retirement gig

The retirement life is going well.  I occasionally will go to bed thinking that the alarm will go off at 5:30 AM.  And then I stop...and remember...that I don't have to get up that early anymore. 

So instead, I slept in this morning until 7 AM.  I stumbled out to the kitchen and made a cup of coffee. I read the newspaper.  C. and I talked about what we were going to do today, but after looking at the temperature and the stormy weather forecast, we had a change of plans.  So we went back to bed and solved a few things there.

I then checked email and went over some blogs.  A sponsee called and we chatted.  I thought about doing something really productive but decided that it was okay to read a book.  I have this nagging feeling that I am slumping into something that is close to indulgent.  I actually get to choose what I want to do each day.  That is a real change from all the conditioned response of doing what others wanted me to do or what I felt that I "should" do. 

A lot of my recent days have been concentrated on recovery activities.  But the bucket list seems to be looming.  What about those things that I am wanting to do: painting, guitar, German and French?  I haven't made a bit of progress towards them.  I am a goal oriented person so I'm wondering if that is the reason that I feel a bit guilt ridden over having a few aimless days.  Maybe I'm afraid that the things on my bucket list won't get done and that I'll fall into the complacency trap. 

All I know is that I have to take a shower and get ready to go to my home group meeting tonight. Maybe I'll have some more brilliant insights on this slovenly life I'm leading before too long.  Let's hope so because this lack of focus is killing me.

A Thursday question

I feel like this needs to be Friday.  I am really tired.  Once again, I have had too many late nights--mostly due to meetings, although last night was a dinner out and some lively conversation instead of rowing.  Tonight I am taking my wife out to a nice place downtown for a pre-birthday dinner.  Her natal day is Sunday so we will have dinner with her parents that evening.  But tonight is our dinner together at a special restaurant.  Hopefully, I'll be able to stay awake through the main course!

I had a good conversation this morning with my sponsor who stays busy in his retirement.  I seem to never stop and was complaining that in retirement one can decide when (or whether) to get up, shower, and leave the house.  But when my alarm rings at 5: 15 AM, I can hit the snooze button a couple of times, after which I'd better get up and get going. The work world calls!

And then there is the time spent on recovery "work". I think that in truth my recovery work takes a lot of time.  I spend 5 hours a week minimum with sponsees, another 3-4 hours a week in meetings, not counting the driving time to and from.  But I consider that this time is the most well spent of my week.  What I'm thinking about are the time sinks that add up during a week.  It’s that sucking sound I hear--of the sands of time, the ticking clock, and the blurting alarm in the morning.  So here's the question:

What was this week’s biggest time sink for you?

For me, it has to be reading and commenting on blogs.  Even with speed reading, it still takes several hours a week to get through the blogs that I like to read and make comments. Even if someone doesn't comment on mine, I like to read theirs. But it definitely takes time.  Oh, and sleeping is another time sink-- but a necessary one!

What a dream I had

I had another of the anxiety dreams about alcohol last night.  It was about my father.  He has now been dead for over 25 years.  And yet, there are times that he comes back to visit me.  Seldom are these dreams happy.  That makes me sad because I know that he was such a good person.  It seems unfair that he only comes to me through these dreams that are unsettling. 

The dream last night was one in which he had stayed away for days.  My mother and I presumed that he was drinking.  He never did this in reality.  He would simply sip his bourbon on his days off, starting about 10 AM and be fairly drunk by dinner.  Then he would go to bed.  He was not a binge black out drunk.  Yet, in this dream, he is gone, and we are dreading his return. 

I tell my mother that it is time that she left him.  I suggest that she sell the house and move someplace else.  These dreams are so unsettling because my parents were married for over 50 years at the time of his death.  I don't think my mother ever thought about leaving my father who eventually quit drinking altogether as he got into his 60's.  But in this dream, she thinks that it is the best idea. She will sell everything and move away.

I know that these dreams are my anxieties surfacing.  They leave me feeling unsettled and disoriented when I awake.  But then I can reach over and hug my love who is lying next to me.  She drowsily asks me how I slept.  I tell her about the dream, and she says that it was just a dream.  I look at the slumbering dogs lying on the floor.  One is chasing something imaginary in her sleep.  Just like me.

I have had dreams and I have had nightmares, but I have conquered my nightmares because of my dreams. Jonas Salk

Overcast

I don't have much to write about today. I'm still tired. I feel as if I need to sleep for a full day. Every night I have the intention of getting to sleep by 10 PM but instead I get lost in reading or going through blogs. So I'll stay up until closer to midnight and then feel beat up in the morning. By Thursday, all of this seems to catch up with me, but the fatigue has come on earlier this week.

The litter on the island generated quite a bit of news locally. Most beaches in this area ban alcohol. I'm not sure how I feel about that as the island where I go is only accessible by boat and is a place where dogs can run and people have a good time.

One part of me thinks that banning alcohol there would be a good thing, while another part of me says that without enforcement, bans never work. And that if people want to drink, I can't stop that. I guess that I don't want to be the arbiter of anyones drinking conduct either.

It is a grey, humid day here. I like the greyness but dislike the humidity. At least there is a breeze blowing but during the summer, the breeze is like a hot breath. I will be out of the office tomorrow for field work that will last most of the day. But it will be welcome change, no matter what the weather. I am always grateful that I get paid to do the work that I do.

Tonight is a meeting which will be good. It will be another late night though, as the meeting doesn't get out until 9 PM. No matter. There will be time to rest up this weekend.

I'm hoping that your Tuesday is going well. It's a good day here in Paradise.

A blustery day

Today was blustery and cold on the water. My hands were tingling from the cold and wet. I took a hot shower as soon as we got back to clear off the mud and damp. We got all the sampling done for today. Yesterday, we lost the dredge which was a bummer. We dragged for it for about 2 hours to no avail.

I think that I'm going to go home to spend the night tonight and come back early in the morning. I miss my home and the critters. Most of all I miss being with my loved one. I'm entirely too used to reaching over in the night and hugging on her. Sleeping in a single bed at the field station just doesn't cut it. So what if I have to get up at o'dark thirty? It won't matter because I'll be sleeping in my own bed spooning with a warm lovely body. I think that's worth the drive.

Small craft warnings

I'm going to go sailing today but will have to watch the weather as there are small craft warnings out on the harbor. It can get a bit dicey, and I may have to just use the jib. Too much sail area can sometimes cause a shroud to pop. I may sail up one of the rivers and see if there is more protection there. I'll likely decide when I get on the water.

But I'm just glad to have it be Saturday. It has been a fairly good week but a tiring one. I think that the late night meetings and the hour long drive to the country afterwards cause me to be sleep deprived.

I often wish that there were more Al-Anon meetings in the area. But then I know that there are places that don't have any and people have a long drive. I am grateful to have at least a choice of one to go to every day of the week if I want to do so.

Because it's Saturday, I got to sleep in until 7:00 which is a rare event for me. I hope that all of you enjoy your weekend whatever you're doing. And maybe just take some time to loaf a bit. And observe the birds, the sky and maybe the last little bit of cool weather.

I loafe and invite my soul, I lean and loafe at my ease observing a spear of summer grass.
--Walt Whitman

Monday all day

It's Monday all right. And St. Patrick's Day. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Finally, after the cat pounced in the middle of my back and the dog's cold nose nuzzled me, I got up.

I was up way too late last night for someone who has to get to work early. And I wasn't drinking anything green either. My wife and I went out to dinner at a nice restaurant. It was a pleasant time. She seemed to be in a good mood and to enjoy talking. As we were riding down our long lane, I told her that I was going to put my cell phone on forward to the home number just in case a sponsee called.

The words were no sooner out of my mouth, when a sponsee called to talk about having a rough time at a meeting last night. He has admitted that he is riddled with fear. And he is having a hard time with some other personal aspects of his life that haven't been entirely accepted by his family or maybe even himself.

He needed to talk and I listened. I think that he is finally beginning to admit that he might not have all the answers and that humility needs to come in to the picture. He is scarily bright but is realizing that to recover from effects of alcoholism, he must be willing to drop the masks of academia that he's hidden behind for a while.

Being a sponsor has been a new experience for me. And I must say, it has it's moments when I wonder if the words coming out of my mouth are making him or me feel better. And whether I'm just flying by the seat of my pants.
After a bit, I finally said to him, "Where are you sitting?"
Him: "On the bed."
Me: "Take a look at your feet."
Him: "Yeah, I see them."
Me: "Are they attached to your legs?"
Him: "Yep."
Me: "How about your hands? Still attached to your arms?"
Him: "Yes."
Me: "Is your heart still beating?"
Him: "Yeah."
Me: "Good. Now put your feet up on the bed, cross your hands across your chest and listen to your heart beating. Focus on that. You're still alive after telling me what your fear was after the meeting. You're okay and haven't disappeared."
Him: "I feel fairly relaxed now."
Me: "Good. I'm going to get into the same position over here. And I'm going to listen to my heart beating and my breath going in and out. I expect that after I do that for about 10 minutes I'll be asleep."
Him: "Sounds good. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Whew. It almost put me to sleep writing that. I'd better get back to work and wake up. Have a good St. Patrick's Day.

Wrecked somedays

Some days I feel about like the old boat shown above: washed up, broken and sorely in need of TLC. It's the creaks and groans of getting older I suppose. Last night, I went to bed early for a change. My right knee locked up on me just before I left work. I've never had that happen before but it hurt if any weight was put on it. All the years of running may be taking their toll. Add on top of that the feeling like I was going to vomit after I got home and turning in early seemed like a no-brainer. It's amazing how much humility I feel when I'm physically wrecked.

Thankfully, whatever my physical ailments were last night, I feel much better today. It's miraculous what about 12 hours of sleep can do. I'm going to a meeting tonight and then out to eat with some friends from the program. It's raining right now but the weather is supposed to be warm and fair for the weekend. I'm planning on taking Compass Rose out for an over night tomorrow. Hoping for calm seas and a fair breeze.....have a good weekend.

Catching up

Last night's meeting was a good one on Step 12. We talked about the various parts of this step such as having a spiritual awakening, giving back in order to keep what we have received, and practicing the steps in all aspects of our lives.

Tonight I go to another meeting but first I'll make a stop at my boat to take a nap. I'm really tired today, probably because of the weekend at the roundup and not having caught up on sleep. I like to stop by the boat on Tuesdays and crawl in the bunk to just relax. The marina is on the way to my meeting at 8 PM and sometimes I just get a nap before that meeting. I think that I'll do that tonight. I'm hoping that the sunset is as spectacular tonight as the one that I saw last evening. God was definitely showing off.

Today I'm grateful for:
1. Having had a spiritual awakening when I thought that my spirit had been broken

2. A cool crisp day that seems seasonal

3. Getting a lot of cards from friends at one of the groups I attend

4. A chance to catch up on some sleep for at least an hour before my meeting tonight.

5. Talking to my HP this morning on my knees and feeling calmed by that.

Staying busy

After sinking into a few sad moments yesterday, I decided that I'd better work my program and stay busy. So I've managed to do a day trip to one of the islands to the south, go to an AA meeting tonight and maybe take a walk on the beach afterwards. I talked with my sponsor who thought it would be good to keep busy so that I didn't have time to focus on others but could keep the focus on myself in a positive way.

One of the things that Ive been needing and lacking lately is sleep. So last night after walking the dogs and taking care of things around the house, I had some quiet time to read and then turned out the lights. It felt good to wake up refreshed this morning and see the woods through the window. The dogs were eager to go out for their walk so we did that. Now I'm going to put a few things in the car and hit the road for the day.

I always take along my camera just in case there is something that I want to photograph. It's a good hobby and one that I especially enjoy. I spend my professional life being very analytical but there is the artistic side that is always there and comes out through my writing and photography. One of my goals is to have a showing of my photographs next year. I think that I have enough now for a show but want to go to a few different places in the area and find a few more characters to photograph. Wishing the best to all of you for the day.