Our own network

The birthday law lasted through the movie and lunch.  The "Tinker" movie was full of twists and turns, flashbacks, and complications.  It was one that required attention and thinking to get what was happening.  Maybe I wasn't in the mood for thinking so hard, because I preferred the "Dragon Tattoo" movie which was straightforward and yet action packed.  We enjoyed the time together, eating popcorn, and later having fish tacos at a restaurant near the theater.

Bliss was short-lived though. When we got home, there were 11 calls from the caregivers and my wife's parents. No messages though.  Uh-Oh.......hard not to have the mind go to a bad place, wondering who is now in the hospital or worse circumstances.

The situation was that Pop was angry with the caregivers, telling Jessica and Brad that they did nothing, were not of any use to him.  It hurt their feelings a lot because they are good people who work hard at keeping the parents comfortable, well fed, entertained, and the house clean.  My wife, C.,  went to have a talk with her dad.  She explained that without the caregivers, they cannot stay in their home.   C. said that he sat there and seethed, saying only disparaging things.

Quality of life for the parents will not be good should he drive these good people away.  So this morning, I called to talk with Jessica.  She told me that her own father, who used to be her self-described hero,  is an alcoholic, that her mother has been in Al-Anon for over a year, and that she can see that Pop is a dry drunk.  So we had a good conversation about taking care of ourselves around the alcoholic.  I shared my experience with my dad.  And related that I went to Al-Anon (I did not break my wife's anonymity) because of growing up with a father who drank.  I invited her to attend one of the meetings that I go to which is close by the parent's home.

I think that this was another moment in which there is a reason that we have been put together.  We are now all on the same page with our truths.  Jessica and I both love alcoholics.   Brad works at the homeless shelter and deals with all stages of alcoholism.  My wife is alcoholic and probably her dad is also.  C's. mom has lived with a restless, irritable, and discontent man for her entire marriage. We are all connected by the disease.  Together, we will form our own network to listen to each other, share our feelings, and work through the difficulties.  Things happen for a reason. People come together for a reason.  Nothing is coincidence.

Victim mentality

Today I visited a friend who has gone 21 years without a drink.  He still has a lot of the "isms" in spite of all those years.  Having not had a job in three years, he got a trick on Halloween in the form of a court summons for failure to make payments on his place.  It's interesting how he blames everyone else but himself for the situation.  Getting a job would be a great start to a course of action that would lift him up.  I keep my mouth shut and wonder at the power of alcoholism that manages to have a hold on someone even after so many years without a drink.

Being a victim of circumstances in life and exuding negative energy makes a person difficult to be around.  I see how the self-centered alcoholic thinking narrows the universe down to just what is in their sphere.  I used to wonder how alcoholics could only be concerned about themselves.  Now I see that being a victim, whether alcoholic or not,  tends to make a person think mostly about what their problems are.  People who are victims seldom seem interested in what others are doing because all the focus is on their own situation.

What if a person decided to stop being a victim and focus outside of themselves, broadening the world to include others and inquire after their happiness?  I think that is where a real difference can be made towards having a life that is full and rewarding versus one that is confined and negative.  But it takes a real change in attitude and behavior.

I don't know if my friend has victim mentality.  I know that I did for a long time.  I blamed the alcoholic for most of my unhappiness, until I began to wonder who had erected the prison that I was living in.  No one was forcing me to stick around for emotional abuse.  I did that willingly.  When I came face to face with my own victim mentality,  I began to see that the walls of isolation and self-pity were erected by me.

Moving away from being a victim and accepting my part was key to having healthy relationships with others.  I have no one to blame but myself if I stick around for abuse.  I am glad to have stopped wondering who is doing what to me and why.  I can look at what I am doing which has made a huge difference in my life.

A conversation that I had

This is a conversation that I had the other day with a double winner (an alcoholic who also goes to Al-Anon) in the program.  He and I were talking about how the minds of alcoholics/addicts are so different from that of the non-alcoholic.  So we did a little role playing which is something he does with his sponsees who are in Al-Anon to get them to see how the alcoholic thinks.  In the role playing A is the alcoholic and M is me.  I came away feeling that the energy vampire had sucked the air right out of me.  Maybe after reading this, you will see why. 

A: I really want you to be with me and I do appreciate all that you do for me.  I love you for that, but because you have so much power over me, I hate you as well.

M: But how can there be hate and love combined?  It doesn't seem that these two strong emotions can actually co-exist. And how could you hate me? I have always been there for you.

A. They exist for me because I don't want to lose you.  You provide me with the things that I need. I don't want to do for myself and realize that without your being here, I would have to get a job, take responsibility, pay bills, and get honest.  When you do things for me,  it reminds me that I don't want to do for myself and I feel bad.  I resent all that you do.  And that makes me come to hate you for doing things for me.

M. So you are saying that I need to let you go and leave you to your own devices?

A.  That is what you should do but you won't.  I only have to crook my finger,  say a few things about what a pathetic victim I am and you will come running to help me.  Then I have you hooked again, just like a fish on the line.  And that is how I keep you hooked.  But by continuing to do for me, you are actually killing me.  And making me resent you more.

M. So if I don't fall for your self-pity, your whining, your manipulations and let you be, what will you do?

A. I will immediately begin to look for someone else that I can dupe into helping me.  There are hundreds of loyal and committed people out there.  I will look around and find one just like you and begin to use him just as I have you.  You are a dime a dozen.

M. So what we have together would simply vanish?  None of the past would matter.

A. I might feel some regrets, but I have to survive and the only way that I can do that is to find another person who is willing to be there for me.  I simply move on to hook in the next person and the next person after that.  I don't want to take any responsibility and why should I when you take it all.

M. Can any of this change? Is there any hope?

A. There is hope but it would require that I become honest and I am constitutionally incapable of that.  I have no conscience when it comes to getting what I need.  And you have no ability to understand how I think, so don't even try.  You will never beat me at my game because I don't care about your goodness and what you do.  I only care about getting what I need.

M. This really makes me feel sad and sick inside.  I know these things in my heart but hearing them put so brutally is hard.

A. Try being me sometime.  I want to be like you but can't make a move to do anything for myself. I am afraid to ask for help,  I am afraid to get a sponsor,  I won't work the steps because I would have to look at myself.  No one will hire me for a job because I have no skills.  My circle of friends is getting smaller.  The meetings I go to aren't the way that I want them to be.  Nothing is the way that I want it to be.  So I simply wait for you to come along and take care of things for me.

M. I don't think that I can live with so much self-hate and negativity.

A. Then why do you stay?  You would do us both a favor if you would just go.

After I had this conversation, I physically felt shaken.  This is how the non-recovering alcoholic thinks.  And this is the way that I not only kill him but also slowly kill my own spirit.  Heavy, really heavy stuff.

How could we be any more different?

I wrote this thinking about a particularly bad evening.  There were a lot of ugly insults hurled back and forth.  But in the end, I couldn't beat the alcoholic at her game.  I learned that alcoholism "victimizes the victims".  Yet, after a night of crazy thinking, I awoke to realize that there is a new day and a solution. 

I am slow to anger and you flail me with your angry words.


I can accept responsibility for my wrongs and you want me to be responsible for yours as well as mine.


I have let go of my resentments through an amends to you.  You throw your resentment back in my face over and over. And resent me because of something that you did.


I want there to be trust and honesty.  You keep secrets and hide so much from me.


I have wanted happiness and good times.  You say that I have made your life miserable for many years.


I have a hard time forgetting the harsh words said in anger.  You sleep peacefully and awake in the morning as if nothing has happened.


I am weary and tired of the charade.  It has taken its toll on my heart and my mental health.  I have decided that the best thing to do is to let you go your own way.  I don't want to have you pull me closer and then push me away.  I am not ready to give in to your truths that aren't really true at all.  I am not going to be a victim in order for you to feel good about yourself.

This is what I think alcoholism does.  It beats down the psyche if I let it. It has the ability to warp my reality if I come to believe the reality that you speak.  It can make me feel less than, smaller than, and sicker than any one else if I'm not careful.   I am looking for a solution and a Higher Power that is much stronger than you.  It is within me and it is something that you can't kill. 

When the drinking stops....

At the meeting last night, a lady shared that the problems in her relationship with her husband got worse when the drinking stopped. She said that "When a drunken a**hole sobers up, he's still an a**hole."

Unfortunately, quitting drinking can take away some behaviors, but basic personality traits are still going to remain. And then there's the added issue that brain dysfunction has been documented in 75-95% of recovering alcoholics.

I have found that living with my wife is much better than it ever was when she was drinking. Neither of us was without faults. We both needed to inventory our shortcomings. And coming out on the other side, I've found that taking care of my own recovery has been such a great gift to our relationship.

A major step for me has been to establish healthy boundaries. As one fellow shared, "My boundary was that I wasn't going to have anything thrown at me anymore." Some in the meeting laughed, but the reality was that it is a painful topic. I can remember a stack of plates being smashed to the floor. Thankfully none were thrown at me. My inventory showed that my role was to carp and provoke until the alcoholic had enough and went into a tirade. For some sick reason, I got satisfaction from provoking her to that point. So definitely I played a part in how I was treated by her.

I have heard shares from those who live with long-time sober partners who are still extremely self-centered, arrogant, and manipulative. Self absorption is indeed a big part of the alcoholic issue. But if I turn the tables, I can see that my own maturity needed a tuneup. I was often reactive, overly sensitive, and lost.

A solution for me is to ask for a pat on the back or for what I need when it doesn't appear that I'm giving or getting it involuntarily. I have also learned that cleaning myside of the street means giving before I receive. I ask myself "am I doing to others what I want done to me?"

We are now willing to discuss our feelings, rather than letting things fester. I am usually the one who brings up my feelings of rejection. I realize that I am sensitive about that. Yet, there are times that I need to discuss it. I am grateful that we can communicate on these issues.

Fortunately for both of us, we can be happy doing those things that we like to do. Not all of them are "together" things. I stay involved in those things that I like to do. I do my best to not rely on another to fill the hole within. If my wife would like to join me, that would be wonderful. If not, that's okay too.

Bottom line: I do not rely on her to fulfill my needs. That is my job. I rely on God to be there when all else fails. I also am striving to calmly convey my wants and opinions. It comes down to this: the alcoholic is going to do what they are going to do. It's what I'm going to do that holds the key.

Dry drunk?

I've been wondering whether a good friend of mine might not be a "dry drunk". So I looked up what I could find on dry drunk syndrome. The traits consist of:

• Exaggerated self-importance and pomposity
  
• Grandiose behavior
• A rigid, judgmental outlook
• Impatience
• Childish behavior
• Irresponsible behavior
• Irrational rationalization
• Projection
• Overreaction

He has been sober for 17 years but there are times when I find him to be so mentally and emotionally chaotic and lacking in responsibility that I wonder whether he really has a program that he practices. Most of the time, he is a good friend and enjoyable to be around. But there are other times when his approach to life makes me wonder.

So I decided to read about the dry drunk state of mind. I think that the characteristic grandiosity which is self-seeking and self-serving is something that I've noticed. There isn't much thought for the other person.

The other trait of judgmentalism means that there isn't much room for acceptance of alternative ideas. I've found my friend to make value judgments about the meetings that he attends, newcomers, race, and other thoughts that seem troubling.

I've also noticed that there is confusion of priorities and little ability to weigh personal desires against personal needs. As an example, he has decided to take aerobatic flying lessons but won't fix a broken air conditioner. And I suppose one could factor in impulsivity in behavior because there is little attention paid to the consequences of actions to self.

The dry drunk is also noted for being indecisive and prefers to take no effective action. A person may think about doing something and say that they will but often there is an inability to make a decision on whether to take action and nothing gets done.

The result of all these traits can lead to mood swings that appear over exaggerated. Reasons given for negative thinking don't make much sense. The dry drunk also is unable to demonstrate emotions freely, naturally and without constraint. There isn't much emotional spontaneity. And there is little to no introspection in which the thoughts that are linked to one's attitude are examined. A dry drunk can detach to such an extent that they become aloof, display indifference, don't care one way or the other, have no special likes or dislikes, and withdraw. There is also great self-absorption, much negative thinking and major disorganization in which they are easily distracted, bored, and irritable.

I think that the latter is particularly troubling because there appears to be a definite over-reaction to events. I've seen my friend become enraged over benign mishaps that most people would just accept and move on. His lack of ambition is also troubling because he hasn't worked in over a year. He doesn't seem troubled by not working but goes to meetings at night and takes long naps in the afternoon.

I don't want to take his inventory here. But it seems that something is missing or messed up. I've read a lot of what you bloggers write and you appear to be doing, growing and benefiting from what life offers. And I've read how much self-discipline it takes to be honest, humble and responsible.

It seems to be a dangerous path for those alcoholics who think that life has suddenly become manageable again; whose sanity is beyond question; who see no need of turning their lives over to a power greater then themselves; who find personal inventories unnecessary since they are seldom in the wrong and who are no longer subject to repairing the wrongs they have done. I hope that my friend will hear something that will be helpful in progressing beyond sobriety towards recovery.

Back at sea

I left yesterday to drive to Savannah to get a launch out to the ship. It was a bumpy ride. There was a mass exodus of the geologists because their main piece of gear had malfunctioned. This trip seems off balance to me. The mood on board is fairly dark.

There are people who have decided to quit and one of them is my friend, D. He seems to be in an irritable place right now. Not wanting to be on board and negative about everything around him. Maybe I'm seeing the dry drunk here or maybe this is just what happens under stress.

I've decided that I don't want to be part of negativism. It just isn't what I feel inside. I feel a lot of happiness but confusion over seeing so many people so miserable themselves. I have no desire to do anything but keep myself on an even keel. It's helping me to think about all the things that I'm grateful for and that I have a choice in whether I'm miserable or not.