A brief respite

I was away on the boat for a few days this week.  It was windy and chilly, but it felt so good to get out on the water.  I have written here many times that being on the boat restores me and lifts my spirits.  It's simply magical to have a place where the wind in the rigging is music and the gentle rocking lulls me to sleep.  

When I come back home, I can feel the sadness overtake me.  My wife has taken the death of her mother and the continued care of her father with grace, but I know how sad she is.  She has struggled with depression on and off for as long as I have known her.  Her way of keeping those demons at bay is to stay busy, go to meetings, read and tend to her garden.  I want to see her happy, but realize that is something I can't make happen for her.  So we talk and share our thoughts, love each other, and derive comfort in our closeness.  

The memorial service for Mom is tomorrow.  We have not been able to meet with the Monseigneur yet, as he has been busy with church activities.  Hopefully, we will get to meet him before the service tomorrow.  I'm a bit unnerved by not knowing him, but have had to let this go and simply trust that all will be okay.  We chose beautiful music, green buds of lilies for the altar, and a tall vase of spring flowers for the little table where photos of her will be. 

Sadly, Pop continues to decline, and isn't well enough to attend the service.  He fell twice last week and now has to be strapped in his wheelchair.  He mostly wants to stay in bed.  I was thinking about how sad it is that he is spending his last days in anger and depression, not wanting to talk to anyone or be around others.  He doesn't talk to my wife, even when she attempts to talk to him.  Yet, he can tell the nursing home staff that he wants to go to his room.  

Alcoholism truly is a disease of the body, mind and spirit.  I hate what the disease does.  I hate how it tells a person that he/she is not good enough, fills them with self-centered fear, and isolates them from those who care.  Pop hasn't much time left, but seems to want to remain angry and isolating right up to the end.  I know that there is nothing that we can do, except tell him we love him.  My wife says that she has stopped expecting anything from him.  I still have hope, but realize that after all these years, a mere thing like dying is not likely to change his demeanor or way of relating to others.  

I realize that his anger and his wanting to be alone are not caused by us.  But every time we visit, it is with a heavy heart. Our visits are short and not every day because neither of us wants to spend much time around someone who exudes so much anger.  

I am including here the Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi which will be part of the memorial service and is also the Eleventh Step prayer that my sponsor and I said together.  I hope that I can live these words. 

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury,pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

Quiet contemplation

I went to a good meeting tonight about meditation.  Meditation is defined as solemn contemplation in the dictionary.  For me, I define it as quiet contemplation. I am able to quiet my mind when I am surrounded by nature.  Being on the boat is one of the most peaceful places for me.  Lately, I've been looking out the window at the trees.  They are a Joseph's Coat of color.  Taking in their beauty quiets my mind.

The spiritual aspect of Al-Anon promises that my life will be transformed.  I will become a mature, responsible individual with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment and wonder.  I will discover that I am both worthy of love and loving.  I have been mature and responsible since I was a kid because I had to be. Being worthy of love is something that has come much harder.  I am glad to not believe the voices in my head that seek to sabotage love and loving.

I used to think about what my life might have been without having alcoholism be a part of it.   Because I don't know anyone who has not had someone in their family who was dysfunctional in some form, I wonder whether there are any true "normies" out there.  Mostly, I think that we are all messed up in some way and just trying our best to get by.

It has been a rough time once again with the in-laws.  But amazingly, both have rallied and are doing better today.  It is easy to develop anxiety over what is happening as the parents become more frail and sick.  Tonight, after hearing shares about not hanging on to life's burdens, I felt much lighter.  In fact, it felt as if I had given a lot of the anxiety over to the "light".  I thought of it as the same golden light that I saw this morning and this evening as I watched the sun and moon rise and set.

I can't change the course of life's progression towards death.  It is something that will come, be grieved, and released.   Just knowing that I have been through the death of both my parents and survived helps me to be able to hold my wife and comfort her.  I don't want to see her in pain.  But I can no more take away her pain than I can change the movement of the moon and the sun.  Tonight, I feel that we will be okay.  She is sleeping quietly. And tomorrow is another day.

Prayer and meditation

I have been giving quite a bit of thought to taking classes on Buddhism at the nearby Dharma Center.  The classes won't start until September so I will continue to turn this over in my mind.  I'm not sure what I am looking for but somehow there seems to be a connection between Buddhist teachings and principles of the 12 steps.  

Improving my conscious contact with God through prayer and meditation is something that I am interested in doing.  I do a lot of meditating on the boat, but find that when I am back on land and get caught up in my daily routine, I have a more difficult time.  Clearly meditation is an important part of recovery and my spiritual growth.  It puts my mind at ease, takes away a lot of my fear, and enhances my entire well being. 

I am intrigued that several bloggers have shared how well Buddhism aligns with recovery.  And I happened across the following that I thought was interesting.  These are the 12 Steps of Liberation:

1. The truth of suffering. We experienced the truth of our addictions – our lives were unmanageable suffering.
2. The truth of the origin of suffering. We admit that we craved for and grasped onto addictions as our refuge.
3. The truth of the end of suffering. We came to see that complete cessation of craving and clinging at addictions is necessary.
4. The truth of the path. We made a decision to follow the way of liberation and to take refuge in our wakefulness, our truth, and our fellowship.
5. Right view. We made a searching and fearless review of our life. We are willing to acknowledge and proclaim our truth to ourselves, another human being and the community.
6. Right thought. We are mindful that we create the causes for suffering and liberation. Our goodness is indestructible.
7. Right speech. We purify, confess and ask for forgiveness straightforwardly and without judgment. We are willing to forgive others.
8. Right action. We make a list of all persons we harm and are willing and able to actively make amends to them all, unless to do so would be harmful.
9. Right livelihood. We simplify our lives, realizing we are all interconnected. We select a vocation that supports our recovery.
10. Right effort. We realize that continuing to follow this path, no matter what, is joyful effort.
11. Right mindfulness. Through prayer, meditation and action we will follow the path of kindness, being mindful moment by moment.
12. Right concentration. Open to the spirit of awakening as a result of these steps, we will carry this message to all people suffering with addictions.  An excerpt from Darren Littlejohn’s “The Twelve Step Buddhist"
    

I am curious whether you have some experience with how your understanding and practicing of Buddhist teachings has helped with your recovery.  I am interested in learning as much as I can prior to signing up for these classes in September.  

Close your eyes

Last night the speaker at our home group meeting talked about meditation. She has been doing meditation for a number of years and has clinical training as a therapist. And she uses meditation in her practice.

She led us through a meditation. We lit some candles, listened to soothing music and concentrated on our breathing. She asked that we put our hand over our heart to feel it beating. Then she instructed us to visualize the heart beating and connecting with all the other hearts in the room.

Although this sounds really wacky when I'm writing it, it was a relaxing experience. I found that as she softly spoke and I concentrated on my breathing, my mind became blank as I focused internally. A great sense of relaxation and comfort came over me. I felt as if I were truly cocooned and not concerned about anything else except my heart beat and my breathing.

I'm not sure that I'll be able to entrance myself but am planning to try this form of meditation. It was a great opportunity to let go and just be.

Meditation

I've been thinking about Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, asking only for knowledge of His will for us and the Power to carry that out.

I think that I understand the difference between prayer and meditation, yet it seems that during meditation, one could also be involved in prayer. For example, saying the Serenity Prayer over and over is a kind of meditation for me when I am in a stressed situation. It relaxes me and provides a way for me to approach my HP. The calming effect comes with a "solution" to whatever is on my mind. I can then reflect on what the issue is and turn over in my mind how I will resolve the issue and how I can put it into action in my life.

I especially like being on the boat or on the beach and going off to a quiet place to sit and just stare at the water. I have also experienced a closeness to my HP during my morning prayers. I want to take in all that's around me and enjoy the sensations. It's as if a stillness comes over me, altogether comforting. I've read that others simply tell themselves to "Be still" so that they can approach God. I need to clear my mind of all the distractions that are rushing in and the best way for me to do that is to force them out with the mantra of the Serenity Prayer.

I think that over time with prayer and meditation, I will have closer contact with my HP and the message that I receive will become clearer.