Exact nature of our wrongs

It has been a full day for me.  I started with going to the gym and working out hard on cardio and free weights.  After that,  I met a fellow I sponsor to continue work on the fourth step.  Then I went to the boat to strip off old varnish and put new coats on the bright work.  Finally, I ended up at a meeting where the topic was about the fifth step. And what a way to end the day.

The fifth step says that I admit to God, myself and another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.  The words "exact nature" were not something that I had thought much about before tonight.  When I did my first fifth step,  I told my life story to my sponsor--both the good and the bad, with mostly the bad things dominating.  I wanted this to be a confession.  I wanted to beat myself up, just as I had been doing for most of my life.  Never good enough, never fitting in, never being exactly right.

But my fifth step turned out to be an admission, followed by acceptance that I wasn't as bad as I had thought.  And there was nothing judgmental from my sponsor as he listened to me.  I'm not sure that I differentiated at the time the things that I did from the underlying reasons that I did those things.  I believe that the "exact nature" refers to the causes or reasons that I make up in my mind for why I do what I do.  It is not justifying my behavior or making excuses for the things that keep me stuck in self-defeating behaviors.   Instead, it's about awareness.

I think that it takes honesty, willingness, courage, open-mindedness and humility to look at oneself and understand the "exact nature of our wrongs".  Being aware that fear of rejection has been a huge factor in my life has made me change my reactions when dealing with others.

I understand that I was programmed from an early age to feel rejection.  I don't need to beat myself up over that.  I do know that it has colored a lot of how I view others and deal with relationships.  So that tells me that I need to try some different dynamic in dealing with others.  I don't need to keep doing what didn't work.

But I was also programmed to be willing, to listen and to be open-minded in my dealings with others.  Those are things that are innate to my nature.  And by being aware of them, I have been able to find acceptance for myself and those with whom I interact, and to take actions that are helping me find solutions to every day problems that arise.

“We are all a volume on a shelf of a library, a story unto ourselves, never possibly described with one word or even very accurately with thousands. A person is never as quiet or unrestrained as they seem, or as bad or good, as vulnerable or as strong, as sweet or as fiesty; we are thickly layered, page upon lying page, behind simple covers. And love - it is not the book itself, but the binding. It can rip us apart or hold us together.” ~ Deb Caletti

Desperate times

 

There are a lot of people in desperate straits economically.  I live on an island where about 80% of the population is struggling.  Most of the work comes from agriculture and from commercial fishing.  Whenever possible,  I have done my best to hire local people to work on the property, either as a housekeeper, painter,  groundskeeper, electrician, etc.  

In the past,  I have had a couple of instances where my trust in people that were hired did not pan out.  One occurred when the daughter of a housekeeper we hired stole my wife's diamond ring.  This was a girl who was around 12 years old, and she would come to the house occasionally to help her mother with the house cleaning.  Luckily, we discovered the ring was missing, called the housekeeper who confronted her daughter.  We got the ring back thankfully.  

Another incident occurred when a trim carpenter we hired and trusted brought his 14 year old grandson with him to work on the bookshelves and mantle in the library.  It was just before Christmas.  The day after they left, C. was missing several rings, including her mother's engagement ring.  We called the police immediately and called the carpenter who drove out with his grandson.  The grandson admitted to going into the bedroom where the rings were but denied stealing them.  Instead, both grandfather and grandson insisted that someone else had come into the house when they were working and stolen the rings.  With the house being a mile down a dirt road and all the dogs around, this scenario was implausible.  Nonetheless,  there were no fingerprints and no way to prove anything.  The rings were gone along with a few Christmas presents.  It took a while, but eventually we were able to let that go and not dwell on it.  

Now once again there has been an incident that has brought concern.  I have had the same handy man, Thomas,  helping me for years around here.  He and I work together well.  He has eaten at our table.  We have loaned him money for an attorney when one of his kids got into trouble with the law.  He has always paid us back. 

This morning C. walked in on Thomas going through a drawer in the kitchen where I keep a wallet with cash to pay him and the housekeeper.  I had gone outside to check on the meat that was barbecuing in the big cooker.  C. said that he jumped when she walked in, became nervous, and when asked what he was looking for, was having a hard time putting a sentence together.  She told me about this after Thomas had gone outside to begin his work.  We checked the wallet and no money was missing.  I could feel myself feeling sick inside and so disappointed.  It was as if the bad experiences from the past were coming back.  

So we talked about it and decided to not make a huge issue out of this.  Instead, I asked Thomas what he was looking for in the drawer.  He said that he was looking for a piece of paper to write down a phone number.  Okay, maybe that is plausible.  So I told Thomas that if he needed something from the house to ask.  Neither of us really wants to think that he was going to steal from us.  But my gut tells me that I probably should not trust so completely.  I know that these are desperate times.  And sometimes even good people will do desperate and stupid things.  

I am processing this, trying to not let it stay in my mind and simply move on.  C. is remembering the Christmas a couple of years ago when the rings were stolen.  I can feel the grip of uncertainty lessening.  I did what I felt was the compassionate thing to do.  A  warning.  Another chance.  I think that we all deserve that. 

Tired Monday

The July 4 celebration at the island was over the top. There were probably close to 400 boats and well over a thousand people on the beach.

I've tried to capture the scene here, but it's really hard to realize just how much drinking was going on unless you were there.

On Sunday, what was left on the beach was close to a ton of trash. I did the best that I could to pick up and consolidate the beer cans, liquor bottles, pieces of clothing, and coolers that were left. But it was a nearly impossible job.

I worked for over three hours in the morning and then decided that I needed to get others to help. I called the local Waterkeeper and he came out to give a hand, along with a news crew from the local network. Another friend who has a large pontoon boat came out and after hauling trash from the beach in a cart, it was all loaded on his boat to be carried to another location where it could be loaded into trucks.

I am tired from all of this today. I didn't think that so many young people would care so little about a place that I think is beautiful. It's a privilege to be able to walk that beach, and it has become a really special place to me. On Saturday it looked like a giant frat party. And on Sunday, it looked like a land fill.

Do you remember the commercial in which the Native American cried because of all the litter? Well, that was how I felt on Sunday.

At least the island was clean when we left. And I think that I heard it sigh happily as we sailed away near dark. Or maybe it was just the wind and waves.

Getting over resentment

With all the stuff going on in my head lately about my work and retirement, I'm surprised that I haven't felt more resentment. I did give thought to some of the incidences that I disliked. But I didn't get stuck in feeling bad for days. I was able to think about decisions without getting mired in resentment.

I used to replay an insult or slight over and over again. And each time I inflicted more suffering on myself. All this accomplished was that I felt worse, and the wrongs grew until they became hugely magnified in my head.

This mental habit of growing resentments extracts tremendous costs. My obsessing over a slight or a wrong did nothing to change the person I resented. It resolved nothing. Instead, it allowed others to dominate my thinking and become my Higher Power.

Here are some great words to think about:
"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for that person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free.

Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."

My sponsor told me to do this every day for a month. It helped me, even though at first the words were just mere words. Praying for those with whom I have difficulty helps to squeeze resentment out of our minds, because positive concern and resentment simply cannot coexist.
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PS: For those of you who use the embedded comment form below your post, I can't seem to leave comments. I don't know if this is a Blogger issue or not because it used to be no problem. Just wanted to let you know.

the gutting of science

I'm going to put on my scientist hat for this post. One of the things that has come up in many states and in the federal government is how to keep scientific progress moving forward with huge budget cuts. But there may be a more insidious problem that is "gutting" science.

With the current administration, there has been a movement away from a science policy that looks at data on how things really are. Instead science policy has been more aligned with fitting ideological preferences on how the world should be. There have been journalistic reports on intimidation of scientists in government posts, suppression of scientific evidence and perpetuation of misinformation.

There apparently isn't any field that has been spared. Everything from climate change to public health has seen a decline in funding and staffing. Many of the staff losses were those who resigned their posts in despair.

There was an excellent post entitled "Back to Reality" by Olivia Judson, in a blog in the NY Times. She indicates that the distortion and suppression of science is dangerous. It's dangerous because science is a method of thought and inquiry on which our modern civilization is based and which has been hugely successful as a way of acquiring knowledge that lets us transform our lives and the world around us.

She points out that the facts and equations that are taught in schools are but a consequence of scientific activity. Science itself is something else. It encompasses a method for measuring, evaluating and describing events, the environment, and the world based on investigation and evidence. Scientists seek to understand how things really are, based on empirical observations, not on anecdotes or biases. To acquire such an attitude takes training and a desire to be unbiased--to let the data lead to results that can be discussed and presented for review.

I know that there are scientists here where I work and around the world who have bias, ambition and great egos. I think that it's the case that when one conducts an experiment or does a study, there is an idea that the null hypothesis will be refuted. And sometimes as Olivia Judson points out, erroneous conclusions are reached because 1) the study wasn't designed correctly, 2) the interpretation of the data is erroneous, or 3) the data are fraudulent.

But because of peer review and the scientific method, there is a framework within which the truth will eventually come forth. Scientists may argue over data, but to change data, ignore results, or limit access to the "truth" is dangerous and actually threatens the core of knowledge.

I hope that striving for the truth and to uncover facts will be something that scientists always do. And maybe we will be able to engender the trust of the public as we go about our work of discovery.

Tell the Truth

In dealing with alcoholism, there is a lot of dishonesty. I've been dishonest with myself for a long time because I tried to pretend that things were going well. People would ask me how things were going and I'd say that they were "fine". I think that sometimes I believed that things were going well because it was too hard to look at the truth.

And then there is my unwillingness to hurt others. I'd been hurt plenty but when it came to being brutally honest about my feelings, I found it difficult to slash and cut the other person. Every time that I did say words that wounded, I would end up feeling bad for days. So it was easier to believe that I didn't deserve any better or that to live with an illusion that some day things would improve.

Finally, as I got into Al-Anon, I could no longer deny the truth about the alcoholics in my life nor could I deny that I was sick too. The truth that I had been afraid to look at finally came out. I could no longer live an illusion that all was well.

When I did my fifth step, it was a relief to tell my sponsor things that I had not shared with anyone else. It was a chance to truly come clean and let it all out. Revealing my character defects felt good but those that are still hanging around in my psyche are the ones that continue to pain me.

I know that there are some truths that I'm not willing to act on yet. I'm avoiding a few things by not being totally truthful. And the best way to describe it is to offer another version of step nine: told the direct truth to persons except when to do so would injure them or others. My intentions are good, but like the saying goes, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions".

I'll keep praying to not be so willful and selfish so that the truth will finally set me free.

Food for thought

Election day at last. The lines in my little community have been long, much longer than I ever remember. My wife talked to an older lady who has lived on the island all her life. She said that the lady can't remember a voter turnout such as this. Even though there is a long wait, the turnout makes the feeling that we are on the verge of an historical moment even more exciting.

All of this got me thinking about the right to vote and how so many people take it for granted in this country.

The island that I live on is predominantly African-American in terms of demographics. It is one of the remaining Gullah settlements in the region. So I did a little research on voting rights for African-Americans in this country. Here are some of the facts that I found:

• Blacks actually didn't have the right to vote at the end of the Civil War. Southern states put together governments excluding Blacks from voting.

• In March 1866, angry leaders of the United States Congress passed a civil rights bill saying a citizen in the United States is anyone born in the United States, except Native Americans. The bill also guaranteed equal rights to all citizens no matter what race, and allowed the federal government to step in when the states failed to protect those rights.

• About a month later, the legislature issued the 14th Amendment to the Constitution. It stated that all people who were born in the United States, including African-Americans, are considered natural citizens and have the same rights as all other Americans. It also prohibited any state from making or enforcing any laws that took away or hurt an individual’s civil rights.

• In 1867 and 1868, the southern state constitutions during this period favored Blacks and gave them voting rights without the earlier voting rules. They could also hold public office. This equality didn't last long. The Ku Klux Klan formed in the South to threaten Blacks and take away their power.

• From the 1870's through most of the 1900's, Blacks were blocked from voting by threats of violence, being made to take reading and writing tests (some Blacks couldn't read or write so they couldn't pass the tests), and many other voting rules designed to keep Blacks from voting. Some states passed laws that required people to pay a poll tax before voting. This tax did not involve a large amount of money, but many blacks (and poor whites) either could not or would not pay it.
  

• It was not until the Voting Rights Act of 1965, signed by President Lyndon Johnson over 100 years after the Civil War ended, that it became illegal to stop Blacks from voting. Blacks were finally guaranteed their voting rights in 1965.

I'm grateful that on this day that the times have changed from repression to renewal.

I'm grateful that I have a room full of books and resources where I can check facts, be informed, and grasp what freedom truly means in terms of the Constitution.

I'm grateful for being able to have my own opinions about something without fear of reprisal.

I'm grateful that there is a feeling of hope and change in the air.

I'm grateful that the healing after a long divisive campaign can begin.

The answers within

"Look within.....the secret is inside you." Hui-neng

Tonight I'm getting together with my sponsor to do Step Five. I know that the answers for my recovery are within me. Now it's time for me to divulge those answers and to move forward to take action on them. I have admitted to my HP and to myself the nature of my wrongs. Now I'm going to share those wrongs with another person who I trust.

I've asked myself before what is the exact nature of my wrongs. I think that now I know that the wrongs are those thoughts and actions that were born of self-seeking, fear, selfishness, and dishonesty. The assumptions that I have made about myself in the past have not been flattering. At last, I'm coming to grips with whether those assumptions are real or just a result of my character defects.

Alcoholism has taken a toll on my life. But as a result of working the steps, I am understanding that alcoholism doesn't have the power to ruin my life forever. Like a rain shower, I think that the fifth step will be a cleansing experience for me.

Ready for Step Five

I've asked my sponsor to hear the exact nature of my wrongs. When I write that I get caught up in the words "the exact nature". Step Five isn't a complete confession in my mind but an explanation of the nature or root of all the wrongs that I have done. In taking this step I know that I can't blame others because it isn't about blame. It's about the root cause of the defects that I have. I think that for me much of the root cause is fear.

I can see that the first four steps have helped to bring about the need that I have to set things right with me. I am entirely ready to discuss the revelations that I have come to realize with my sponsor. I believe at this point, I'm ready to not defend myself but lay out those things that have made me miserable since I can remember. It has been hard word for a long time trying to be all things to all people. I no longer want to do that. I've never been perfect and have fooled no one but myself. I think that Step Five will help me to see what I need to change. And it will help me to verify that I am capable of changing.