Tradition Two

I decided to write some more about the traditions. My first post was on Tradition One, so today's post is about Tradition Two: For our group purpose there is but one authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

For me, the main principle of Trad. Two is humility. This tradition tells me that I give guidance (not advice), that I trust, be accountable and courteous. Just as I need to be heard, so do others. Guidance comes through sharing, listening, and pointing out choices. We are but trusted servants guided by a loving Higher Power, not dictators.

I like the idea that God is the boss. He is the one authority. I am working hard at subjugating my ego and allowing Him to guide me.

In my relationships, I can practice this tradition by not taking over responsibilities without consulting my partner. I don't dominate others. I've found that my wife will expect me to lead and there is a tendency when that happens for me to begin to feel indispensable and self-important. It's easy then to step over the line to manage things for her which leads to control.

My wife tends to be unsure sometimes and is happy to let me be responsible. And being the adult child of an alcoholic, I'm only too happy to slip into that familiar coat of assuming responsibility. But if I take over responsibility from another, then they are absolved of any kind of failure. Essentially, they get to skate free.

What this tradition means in my relationshiop is that both partners must actively participate in order for there to be love and growth. We must remember that active participation by both members in the relationship is vital to its growth. No partner can assume the position of speaking for the other without first having consulted him or her. This is simple courtesy.

I've always been amazed at how much courtesy we have for strangers. Yet when we are dealing with the most precious persons in our lives, we sometimes leave simple kindness out of our manner.

For me, the hardest part of this tradition is maintaining autonomy in a personal relationship. I have to work at keeping the focus on myself. I like the idea of people working together in unity but also maintaining their own interests. Coming from an alcoholic marriage, I could often want too much "togetherness" and that is confining and unhealthy. Autonomy doesn’t mean you don’t need the other person, but it means that I don't give up who I am to be in the relationship. I can maintain my goals, desires, and dreams but also respect and support the goals, desires, and dreams of another and allow them to be who they are, not who I want them to be. I think that this makes a healthy relationship.

To make this tradition applicable to Al-Anon meetings, it's important that each group not be a carbon copy of the other. I like individuality with the groups. In some birthdays are celebrated, in others there are speaker meetings. What I think makes Al-Anon special is the way that we can each express our thoughts without fear of criticism, interruption or gossip. We can in short be ourselves within Al-Anon.

Keep coming back?

I was reading Mary Christine's blog entry "But what if you were a newcomer?" It's a great post about what each of us takes away from a meeting. And that people hear things differently. She told her story at a meeting and was greeted with a lot of praise afterwards. I like what she said about not liking the praise because it isn't about accolades or how great a public speaker a person is. For me it's about sharing my experience, strength and hope from the heart.

I have told my story several times at various meetings. And I've been asked to tell it at two open AA meetings. Each time has been different. And each time I've talked more about recovery.

I felt very awkward the first time that I told it at an Al-Anon meeting. It was my first anniversary. I was finding that this group, where I had first come to a meeting, was mostly filled with over 20 sponsees of one person. I wasn't one of the sponsees.

My sponsor thought that it would be good for me to share my story at this meeting. Call it karma or my gut feeling, but I really didn't want to share my story there. I had seen evidence of personalities dominating over principles and felt uncomfortable. But I decided to put my feelings aside and do what I've done for much of my life--please others.

The story I shared still had a lot of pain in it. I hadn't finished with the steps. And at the end I shared something that I thought summarized what I was working toward.

I caught some eye rolls between the "leader" and others. I was asked to provide the summary part in writing. I later heard that the "leader" said that what I talked about came from the Big Book.

All of this was painful. And yet it strengthened my resolve to work the program. It made me more aware of Traditions Two and Twelve. And it made me see something in me that didn't like criticism, control or surrender.

I think at that point though, I made a decision to go to other meetings. I went back a few more months but eventually stopped going to that meeting all together. I see people from that meeting, and they are glad to see me and ask me to come back. Maybe I will go again some time.

The message here though is that if you are a newcomer (or someone with any amount of time) and you aren't comfortable about a meeting, try others. It's not a reason to give up on the program if you don't like the meeting. I'm glad that I kept going to meetings, worked on what I was feeling, made a decision to look at my character defects, and learned to appreciate every story that I hear.

Group conscience--Tradition Two

There's something that happened yesterday that nearly caused a lot of hurt and could have added to an already sad situation.

Yesterday I received a phone call to tell me that the regular Sunday night meeting was being canceled due to inclement weather. Yes, there were tornado warnings in some areas of the state, but I also knew that there were some people who were needing that meeting. I had found out on Saturday that one in our fellowship was having a hard time because of the overdose death of a former SO during the week. When I heard that the meeting had been canceled, I felt that it wasn't a good idea.

We say at the end of our meeting that "When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help —let the hand of Al-Anon and Alateen always be there, and —Let It Begin With Me." Those words are ones that tell me that I need to be there when someone is having difficulty. So, I called my sponsor and explained that I thought that canceling was a bad idea. He hadn't been the one to cancel the meeting and had been notified by phone just as I had. Later in the afternoon, my sponsor called to tell me that there was going to be an emergency meeting because one in our group was having a hard time dealing with the overdose death. She had requested that the meeting be held as she wanted to be with her home group. Only a few members were called to be there because everyone else had been told of the cancellation.

So I went and we read and shared our thoughts. It was very hard on the person who was grieving the loss. Lots of very raw emotions, some guilt and tons of resentment came out. There was another one in our group who showed up who hadn't been notified about the cancellation of the meeting and who was also having a very hard time over the severing of a relationship with an alcoholic.

Somehow the HP brought us together to help each other. For me, it was also a clear demonstration of Tradition Two: "For our group purpose there is but one authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants—they do not govern." I am glad that anger and frustration over the meeting cancellation didn't build up in me or in any one else. I'm not sure how those who weren't called to come to the "on again" meeting will feel. I think that we each learned a valuable lesson that we need to hold our meeting unless there is an act of God that forces a cancellation.