Courage to Change

I just returned home from the Al-Anon fall conference.  It was an inspiring event with excellent speakers for both Al-Anon and AA.  When I go to these conferences, I come away with rose-colored glasses firmly in place.  I feel peaceful and thankful for having a program of recovery.

In one of the workshops I attended, I heard how fortunate we are to be around others who are working on their recovery.  This re-affirmed that I do belong in the rooms of Al-Anon.  I also know that most of us who are there still have character defects that can arise again and again.  In the workshop about Courage to Change, we were asked to list those things that we could like to change about ourselves.  I wrote:

• I would like to change my lack of trust in others
• I would like to be less critical of myself
• I would like to lose my fear of rejection

These old feelings have been around for a while--probably most of my life.  My lack of trust in others is something that evolved over years of deception and emotional abuse.  While I have a much healthier outlook today, I am still wary around those who I sense can hurt me through their gossip, jealousy or dissatisfaction with life.  I still believe in my intuition about whom I trust. 

Being less critical of myself has been a lifelong pursuit.  I have had a lot of success in several pursuits in my life, and yet, I still doubt that I am worthy at times.  I make myself step out of my comfort zone, teach myself new skills, pursue new hobbies, and tell myself that is growth.  But it also can set me up for a feeling of failure.  I am getting to that age where I don't really have to prove anything, yet I keep pushing myself to do new things---maybe because of the third item on my list of things to change.....

My fear of rejection.  This is a theme through all of my life.  I have days when I don't feel it acutely.  I am good at covering it up.  And then there are days when it wants to sabotage everything that is good, pushing me to isolate and fulfill my fear.  These thoughts are deep seated.  I know that if I am accepting of myself and am spiritually fit, the fear goes away.  So I keep working on the Face Everything And Recover definition of FEAR, instead of the F#*k Everything and Run part. 

This is not meant to be a bummer of a post.  I am sharing where my head is today.  I am grateful, working on my attitude of gratitude, and glad to have many options for my recovery.  And it is a beautiful afternoon to get outside and enjoy the sunshine.  

Changes and hope

I am thinking about the outpouring of love that has occurred since the shooting of nine people at Emanuel AME church during their Bible study last week.  In a show of unity,  over 15,000 people joined hands to span the long bridge that reaches across the Cooper River to Charleston.  I was there, among a throng of people who came together to support each other and show that the actions of a deranged killer would not tear the community apart.

The 7 year old, who drew the picture above, depicts what I felt--light and love. Don't misunderstand though. There are difficult days ahead for this community and this state.  The Confederate flag which has been flown on the State House grounds and on the dome of the state capitol will come down, as it is coming down in the South and no longer being offered by retail giants.  It is time, past time, for the Civil War and all it stood for to be in the past.

Make no mistake that there is much resentment about this, for there are those who cling to it as a symbol of segregation and hate.  And thus, the voices and whispers of racism and bigotry will continue. I didn't grow up with those voices. In fact, I only began to hear them after we moved to South Carolina. And the voices have been prevalent in recent years, more than ever.  I remain hopeful though that other voices will drown out the ones who huddle in grand homes or walk the aisles of state government convinced of their superiority over anyone who is not white.  I harbor this hope that what we have been seeing is a sort of last gasp of the real hate - that this moment we are in represents the violent, cathartic end of the dark forces of division in the deep South. The outpouring of love needs to continue every day to keep those voices from drowning out the good.

These words resonate with me now more than ever:
Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don’t stand in the doorway
Don’t block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There’s a battle outside and it is ragin’
It’ll soon shake your windows and rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin’~Bob Dylan

The times indeed are changing.  And for me change can't come soon enough. I am clinging to a glimmer of hope that the changes happening will be without further bloodshed.

Be the change you want to see in meetings and in life

Today is the first hint of fall that we have had here.  We awoke to a temperature of 67 F.  Now the windows are open and the whole house fan is circulating fresh air throughout.  The skies are blue and clear of clouds.  It is an invigorating morning.

Yesterday, I attended the district meeting and heard a lady talk about how she is being bullied in the rooms of Al-Anon by "big men and old ladies".  She went on a while with a rant about how she felt unsafe at some meetings. When asked by the chairperson what she wanted to be done, she replied, "I want to feel safe and to go to meetings where no bullying occurs."  I talked with her afterwards and invited her to come to the meetings that I attend, saying that I know they are healthy.  (Even though there are big men and old ladies at some of these). Sadly, I quickly found in my conversation with her that she is a bit unhinged.

People with outside issues (those who have problems other than alcoholism in a relative or friend) are in the rooms.  And some of them need more than the program has to offer.  I know that it's especially easy for me to look for fault in others and in meetings.  But I know that by working the steps and traditions, I have learned that not every meeting is healthy and that sometimes members have emotional and mental health issues that need attention by a professional.  I have been to a lot of meetings in the district and have had only a couple of experiences in which I thought the traditions were seriously being violated.

Everyone deserves to have meetings where they feel safe.  I advocate for being the change that I want to see at a meeting.  I don't hesitate to speak to someone after the meeting if I think that a meeting can be improved.  I do this in as respectful a way as possible.  I don't want to nitpick or be an Al-Anon policeman. However, I do believe that respect and compassion need to be extended to all who attend.  Talking over someone else,  bringing in non-conference approved literature (like the Bible or AA literature), talking about rehab centers, or giving advice (i.e. "You should do ______" or "You need to go to therapy", etc.) are not only confusing to newcomers but break the traditions of the program.

One of the fellows I sponsor is beginning to see that the rose colored glasses he was wearing are not working as well.  He has asked me about feeling anxious in some meetings and finding that some people are rubbing him the wrong way. I think that we all discover that people in recovery have plenty of "warts" and shortcomings.  When I find that a controlling person is irritating me, it's because I have the same shortcoming of controlling behavior.  The old adage "If you spot it, you've got it" applies over and over whether in recovery or not.

I'm going to head outside now, do a bit of work in the yard, and head to the hospital this afternoon to visit my first sponsor who is not doing well.  And then, I'll head to the boat to enjoy the rest of the afternoon doing some varnishing and reading the newspaper.  The day is too beautiful to spend being inside too long. Hoping your day is bright and shiny.

Another year is fast approaching. Go be that starving artist you’re afraid to be. Open up that journal and get poetic finally. Volunteer. Suck it up and travel. You were not born here to work and pay taxes. You were put here to be part of a vast organism to explore and create. Stop putting it off. The world has much more to offer than what’s on 15 televisions at TGI Fridays. Take pictures. Scare people. Shake up the scene. Be the change you want to see in the world. ~Jason Mraz

What I want

I am starting to get over this cold, although my voice is still hoarse and my chest hurts from coughing.  I'm still planning on taking my sponsor to lunch tomorrow. A few of us are getting together to go to a restaurant overlooking the water. And after having lunch, I will probably take a nap for a couple of hours.

Hopefully, the nap will recharge me enough so that I can get groceries for the boat and then leave for the island anchorage.  It will be another simple weekend of rest, beach walking and reading.

I was thinking about how fortunate I am to be where I am at this point in life.  I cannot think of anything I really want materially.  But there are a few things that I want in the emotional realm:

• I want there to be health and happiness for family and friends that I love.  
• I want to get through the course that I am taking and have more unscheduled time.  
• I hope that my wife and I can spend more time doing fun things together. We both tend to be busy with separate projects.  I would like for us to do more projects and have adventures together. 
• I would like to keep moving forward in recovery and develop a trusting relationship with a local sponsor.  I am finding that looking for a sponsor is difficult because each person is different in how they approach sponsoring. 
• I want to find the tribe of people with whom I feel comfortable. I know a few people who I enjoy being around.  I am hoping to find others that will be part of the tribe. 
• I would like to not have Christmas be a big deal this year.  Just being together and having the annual recovery buffet here would be enough.  Brightening up someone else's day is all I want. 
• I am fulfilled in many ways.  I want to concentrate on those positive things.  The glass is half full with me for the most part.  I know areas where I need improvement.  

That's about it for my wants. Pretty simple stuff.  A few of these I can actually do something about.  The rest will be thought about and hopefully realized at some point.  I'll leave that up to a power greater than me.  

“Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes… the ones who see things differently — they’re not fond of rules… You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things… they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.” ~Steve Jobs

Things have changed

It is hard not to notice how much things have changed around here since C.'s heart attack.  The salt that used to sit on the counter in a large jar is no longer there.  She used to throw a bit of that into every dish she made for herself.  I have not salted anything in decades on purpose.  We would have discussions over how much salt was already in food and that having extra was harmful.  At any rate, the salt has been put away in a cupboard. Mrs. Dash in different forms now is the seasoning of choice.  Sodium content on everything is monitored closely which means less processed food. 

The regular pasta has been replaced with whole wheat pasta.  All the bread is also grain and not white.  The cereal is full of fiber.  Some of it tastes like wood, but we eat it and smile at each other knowing how crappy the heart smart woody cereal tastes. Yet, it is good for us.  Lots of things are crappy that are good for us.  We know that the Food Network isn't for those who care about heart health.

Sugar is minimal and mostly substitutes are used like Splenda.  There are no more cakes being made.  Instead, there is jello and all different kinds of fruit.  The brownies and other cookies that C. would make for meetings are on hold.

Eggs are no longer used but egg white is now the choice.  All the meats are turkey or chicken with lots more fish added to the diet.  Any meat product is low sodium now.  Red meat isn't to be found in the freezer or the refrigerator which is fine with me.  I had given that up a long time ago.

We are mindful of everything that we eat.  And eating out at restaurants hasn't happened in a while.  We used to love Chinese food but that isn't happening lately unless we make it ourselves.  It feels as if food is the enemy now.  The pleasure that we used to have in cooking and eating out has diminished.  It's okay as we will likely have a more balanced approach once C. goes to cardiac rehab.  We will learn more about what heart healthy foods are good to eat and what absolutely needs to be avoided.

I am still longing for a large piece of pizza which I will have to grab on the sly.  Somehow the idea of it is better than the thought of actually eating it.  I seem to have visions of plaque buildup from the cheese as it sticks to my arteries.  For now,  I will think about Laughing Cow Light cheese and be satisfied with some of that spread on a piece of flat bread.  My how things have changed.   

Changed attitudes can aid recovery

I don't know what it is, but I feel content today.  I have enough of everything and feel centered within.  This must be one of the promises of recovery coming true. 

For me, a changed attitude is recovery. I don't feel miserable or like reacting to behaviors of others.  If I work the program, my life is more about acting on behalf of myself rather than reacting to the actions and behaviors of others. I can regard every day as a blank canvas on which I can begin painting again at any time.

I can see that by taking care of myself and not buying into what others are doing,  I have learned to be fairly happy on the inside.  I believe in the spiritual law that says : "When I change, those around me will either change or go away." I think that positive energy given out to the universe attracts positive energy in return.  Maybe my joie de vivre may be a bit much sometimes, but it is who I am.

This is a tough time of year for many.  I don't know why.  Maybe it is the expectations that are leading to disappointment and eventually to resentment.  I know about those things because I have felt them and not just at Christmas. It used to be an every day thing for me.  What a drag that was. 

Now I have the ability to see a different way to live. If others don't do as I would like, what good does it do for me to feel angry? I don't have to be around them unless I choose to.  Their being stuck in misery really has nothing to do with me.  

Here are a few things that I find to be particularly helpful in this journey of changed attitudes: 

• I keep practicing being positive, thinking each day about a few things for which I am grateful.
• Create a new reality based on the truths I've learned about myself and not what I think the truth of others might be. Others have their own truths. I have mine that comes from within and from the unconditional love and support of myHigher Power.  
• Being willing to try new experiences and risking what I used to think in exchange for a different set of principles that I have learned in recovery.  For me at least, this is how I learned what I liked and didn't, what I was deserving of and when I was taking less than what I deserved.
• To say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean.
• Not to stuff my feelings; let them flow through; process them; and then move on. The feelings won't kill me.  
• Not to cruelly punish others but to detach from them and yet still love them.  Retribution never did me any good. In fact, it made me feel miserable.
• Not sink their ship but don't try to keep it afloat.  Let them navigate their own route.  Maybe we will meet up again along the journey.
• Allow others the dignity to face their own consequences -- as it is of their own making.
• And most important put the focus back on myself. That is how I will keep a positive attitude going. If I look to other people to make me happy, I am going to be in a perpetual state of disappointment, anger, and frustration, and then look back and wonder where my life went.

Knowing my higher power is always there to ask for help as are those in this program is a very positive force in my life. So....even though I once wondered how people in Al-Anon ever got to that place of feeling serene with just an occasional slip, today I know or at least believe that a combination of what I've written above has brought me to that place too.

I am trying to look at life as one big ball of imperfect humanity of which I am a part. Working the program has helped me find humor in even the worst situations because .......well, there's no denying that some things are just funny (maybe a little more so when its over and I've gotten through it).

All I know is that building on the negativity and the miserable aspects of a situation only digs a deeper hole for me. Staying hopeful and looking to build on constructive possibilities, like what was learned from an uncomfortable experience, seems like a better bet than going into a downward spiral of self-pity. It doesn't mean I change the facts, it doesn't mean deciding everyone is a good person and not taking care of myself; rather, it means that I have an open mind when listening to others and that I ask my HP to help me identify my real feelings and to be true to myself.

The Bone Yard

I took the day off today to head north along the Intracoastal Waterway to another deserted barrier island along the coast. This island is approximately 3 miles long by 1 mile wide.

There is a beach that has undergone erosion to create what is called the "Boneyard" where skeletal tree trunks are reminders of how ephemeral life on a barrier island can be. There is a thick maritime forest with some trails through the island, but I suspect that the "state bird" (=mosquito) will prevent much hiking this weekend. Maybe when winter comes I'll do the trails.

I've been wanting to go to this spot for some time. I'll put up the jib and see if that will help propel me along as we make the 12 mile run to the island. The weather is supposed to be good so I will spend time photographing this interesting place.

It's nice to venture outside our normal "comfort zone" of the usual anchorage. I have to remind myself that a change of scenery is good and that there are new adventures to be had right in my own backyard.

I may be able to check on some blogs with my IPhone. But it's more likely that I'll let technology take a rest this weekend. Enjoy your Friday.

Feeling the loss

I've been cleaning out my office now for about a week. I've packed up my books and personal effects. What I'm still dealing with are the many boxes of reprints of published papers that I've accumulated over the years.

As I go through each box, I see the names of those individuals I have known in this long career. Some of these people were like heroes to me. I read their published work, thought about their ideas, incorporated some of their methods into my own studies.

I see the names of those who have long ago retired. I read the inscriptions from those who have been dead for many years. These people shaped my career. I feel sad as I look through these papers. The sadness is not only about their having moved on but about the impending move that I'm going to make in a little over six months. And yet, there is something more to this feeling than just the idea of leaving this job.

I think that what I am feeling is my own aging, my own loss of enthusiasm for the work. When I was finishing up my dissertation and just getting started in this career, I wanted to be at the top of my field. I wanted to be like my scientific heroes.

And now, after all has been said and done, I have accomplished quite a bit of what I set out to do. In the process, I took on chairing this department which meant more administrative work, more grant writing, and more efforts at keeping staff employed. Some part of me feels as if I sold out, gave up my heroes and true scientific pursuits. Another part of me screams that the love of science is still there, but that this is just a progression of life: To move on and begin a new chapter. I can't help thinking that I'm where I'm meant to be and that my heroes probably have felt the way I'm feeling at one time or another.

Meanwhile, all my reprints are going to the library here. They will be catalogued and put into the collection for others to use. Maybe some of the new staff will chance upon a reference that inspires them to find their own scientific hero.

Moving Forward

"Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.

Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them. We don't need to suffer with them.

It doesn't help.

It doesn't help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.

Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We're accountable for ourselves. They're accountable for themselves. We let them go, and let ourselves grow." --From the Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

This passage really sums up so many good things. Change is something that I used to fear but now I see that it's the only way to move out of the past and into the present. Waiting for someone else to change is useless, wanting for someone else to change is an expectation, and trying to change someone else is control. As I move along this journey of recovery, I can see the changes in me. And I'm grateful for what that means in my life.

Keeping the focus on ourselves

In the opening for Al-Anon meetings, there is a line that says, “In Al-Anon we learned to keep the focus on ourselves”. I’ve found that is a hard thing to do especially having lived with alcoholism. In Courage to Change, there is a daily reading that basically says that many of us in came to Al-Anon with a compulsion to focus on other people. Many of us had a clear idea of how everyone should behave in every situation and felt very self-righteous when they didn’t follow my rules of conduct. When we realized that our own lives were being neglected because all our attention was elsewhere we had to make some major changes.

I'm still learning how to mind my own business and not that of the alcoholic. For many of us, when thoughts begin with “He should” or “She shouldn’t” , then we are slipping back into minding someone else's business. I don’t have the answers for other people. We don't make the rules for the behavior of others or any facet of their life. If I start getting caught up in what they should or should not do, I have lost my humility. I have also ceased to pay attention to myself. Nine times out of ten, I am focusing on someone else to avoid looking at something in my own life. Generally, for me it is fear that is raising its head. I know that I generally relate to others better when I allow them to be exactly as they are and keep focusing on what I'm doing.

I know that I have been very focused over the years on the behavior of the alcoholic. I’ve been either angry, embarrassed, or obsessed with what the alcoholic was doing. During those years, I paid less attention to good things about myself, instead I was very self-critical and not very forgiving of myself. What this program is teaching me is to stop looking out and start looking in.