Getting through the holidays and each day

It's the time of year when so much is going on.  I have spent so little time at the computer. I apologize for not reading blogs.  And because I am truly moving to a point in life that I no longer feel the need to pour out feelings on here, I have thought about moving to another type of social media.

I have Twitter that I use sporadically. Maybe it's time to jump into the whole Facebook thing. But then I think about the ugliness that seems to be prevalent there. We don't have it ugly in our blog world--at least from the point that we aren't ugly to each other.  This is a supportive community and certainly has given me a lot over the years.  I am most appreciative of that.

My stepping into more of an activist role in the community has absorbed a lot of time.  My standing passively by when there is so much injustice happening is not something I can do.  I view this as practicing the principles of Al-Anon in all my affairs, having courage to change the things I can and speaking my truth without fear.  I don't let the problems I see take over my life though. It is important for me to maintain balance.

Regarding balance, we have been invited to quite a few parties this year.  It is quite a change that I used to be nervous about going to parties where alcohol was present. Now C. and I can go without feeling uncomfortable.  Being able to enjoy social settings has made the holidays much more enjoyable than what would happen in times past when I was gripped with anxiety about my wife's drinking.

So many though are struggling with the whole holiday scene.  Here are a few things that we talked about at a meeting this week that will help during the holidays:

• Remember the three C's: that you did not cause the alcoholism. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
• Detaching myself from the situation. I have an escape plan, a Plan B, in which I remove myself from uncomfortable situations.  I may just leave the room and walk away or if a relapse would occur, then I know to call her sponsor. 
• Doing service work and volunteering to help others. It is an excellent way to get out of your own anxiety and have a good feeling.  There are also meetings and often special events around the holidays. Even if you are traveling, there are local meetings that are being held.  Look them up and go to a meeting. 
• Going back to basics when things get stressful continues to soothe me. I remember that I am powerless over other people, places and things. I am powerless over alcohol.  I say the Serenity Prayer over and over to quiet my mind.  I remember that I may have to break things down to small time intervals by just getting through the next 10 minutes of a bad situation. 
• Not participating in blaming and recriminations helps.  I don't participate in the blame game. Again, the escape plan is useful. If things get out of hand, walk out of the room and calm yourself down so you can go back and enjoy your family.
• Plan in advance for activities. Be aware and honest with what the circumstances may be. If you know it will end badly, stay away, leave or plan for different transportation.
• Be careful and aware. Staying safe is important. Look out for yourself and seek out friends who are supportive. Refusing to get into a car driven by someone who is alcoholically impaired may save your life. 

If you have other ideas on what works for you during the holidays, please post them. I appreciate your thoughts because it is difficult to get through a time of year when expectations run so high.  Keeping my expectations low has helped a lot in not building resentment. 

Thank you for being here.  If any of you would like to share your experience, strength and hope by writing a post, just email me (sydlaughs@att.net). Wishing you the best. 

Hello Syd

Here is an email I received from a lady who is married to a recovering alcoholic. She gave me permission to share this:

I've recently found your blog while searching for any answer, message, etc to get me to a somewhat peaceful space. I'm grateful to read your good words....I suddenly felt a glimpse of hope & comfort I haven't felt in a very long time.

I've been married to an alcoholic over 20 years. He quit drinking soon after we were married. He works what seems to be a good program, has worked the steps and now has a few sponsees he takes through the steps. We have great kids, have had good success in business (as well as major setbacks), live in a nice suburb and are very involved in our community. The outside is a pretty peachy picture...one that I've always wanted. So why am I so unhappy?

I was instantly drawn to my husband when we met. He was handsome, charming, successful, strong, witty & confident. He was also very social & liked to drink. When we first started dating it seemed ok, even fun, since I also enjoyed one or two on a night out. As we spent more time together I began to notice his drinking was more like a first year frat boy. I confided this to my best friend "He's great! My only concern is that he drinks more than I'm used to" her response, "I don't think you have anything to worry about. He's mainly a social drinker, which is normal. He never gets out of hand". Ok, so it's normal. Nothing to worry about. I can accept that. After all, everything else about him seemed so amazing!

 A few minor things would come up that made me feel uncomfortable. He was very controlling, almost paranoid, about wanting to keep our relationship secret. He yelled at me once for parking my car in front of his house and made me move it to the back - out of site. I didn't like that, so I left. He called and apologized so I saw him the next day. Another time his dog got out the front door. I dashed out to try & get the dog and was yelled at to get back in the house and shut the door. He was angry. "What if someone sees you?!!" Ok, so what if someone sees me? We worked together, so his reason is that he felt he would be fired if management knew we were seeing each other since he was my supervisor (they had no such policy). The underlying message: If he were fired, it would be all my fault. That's the first time "I" took on the responsibility of "his" wellbeing. I took it willingly.....I was in love with this man.

As our relationship progressed I became increasingly unhappy. I started looking for a magic answer to fix things. Not only "what could I do to make/keep him happy" but "what could I do to prevent his anger". Each life change during our relationship gave me hope. Moving out of state, getting engaged, moving back, getting married.....none of these seemed to "do it". I mercilessly blamed myself. If only I were stronger, more patient, more educated, outgoing, etc. etc. Only once a thought crossed my mind that alcohol might be the problem. This was dismissed by well meaning friends. After many nights lying in alone bed while he was passed out on the couch, I was paralyzed with the thought of having to walk away. We were newlyweds. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

One time he had to travel out of town for business. He planned to stay with nearby family members, who happen to be sober and in AA. He opened a bottle of wine the night before his flight and joked, "Guess I'll be dry for a week. They gave me one condition. No drinking during my stay". Three days into the trip, I get a phone call. His family & friends invited him to their home group meeting. He made a choice to get sober. Wow! I listened to his words. I think that was the first sincere conversation we've had. He was scared. I was happy and also scared (or scared to be happy?)

I immediately set out to learn as much as I could about alcoholism, AA, & the steps. If he was starting this journey I wanted to be right there with him to help - as his loving, supportive, nurturing wife. I started having hope again.

Once home, he tried a few meetings & I even went with him to some open meetings. He listened to the speakers. He quickly learned the lingo & slogans. A friend gave him a Big Book. His brother (who had always been cold & distant to us) was so proud and welcomed him back into his life. Being accepted by his brother was huge. He set out to be the perfect student of the program. Hope soon turned to confusion. Things weren't magical like I wished. Anger, frustration, & depression was magnified. I was advised to be patient (haha, patience is my middle name!) I can do that.

Fast forward to today. I'm coming up on a milestone birthday. Our children will be on their own soon. I've had joy in these years. But the pain, suffering and confusion hasn't gotten any better since the beginning. I don't know who I am or what I like anymore. I feel guilty for feeling this way. My husband has managed to stay sober all these years by being involved in AA, but I feel only his sponsees and program friends get to see the best of him. Maybe because as long as I take his blame, he will continue to give it to me. When I want to talk about these feelings he says I'm blaming him for my problems. Then he presents his list: He's stayed sober, works his program, completed anger management, gone to counseling, works hard & is successful at his job. He's done all of these things so I shouldn't complain. My head spins. I beat myself up for my messed up feelings. I feel he is right. They're my issues and I need to figure it out on my own. I cry alone often. I daydream of what life would be like on my own, then cry again for the loss of my marriage, damage to my kids, and the picture that I have of us happily growing old together. Now we walk around the same house and don't talk about feelings. I'm full of sadness & resentments.

Too many years of this. I think I'm finally tired. I don't know what my future will look like. For the first time I realize there is nothing I can do about him (or anyone else). I need to take care of me. I called a trusted friend who is working the steps in Al Anon and he suggested a women's meeting I might start with. I'm going tonight. I'm scared but sensing a glimpse of peace.

Didn't set out to be so long winded...this is the first time I've shared this in detail. Reading your blog has given me clarity. Thanks for listening.
__________________________________________

I understand your story.  I've lived it also.  And you have hit upon the thing that will help--focusing on what brings you joy and taking care of yourself.  Living with an alcoholic, no matter what stage of recovery, can be a challenge. That's why I know that Al-Anon is a life long program for me. I simply need it and can tell when I have been away from a meeting for too long.


I hope that you will continue to work on your recovery from the effects of alcoholism.  It can be lonely living with an alcoholic.  I realize that most of my life, I focused on the alcoholics and not on myself. Now I am no longer doing that.  It takes a while for the message to get through to those we love that they are no longer going to be the center of the universe.  In my marriage, this has helped us to become closer because I am not having the constant expectations that bred resentment.  We talk and share things but can be content with just quietly being together.  I am not looking for her to provide me happiness. That is too much to expect from anyone.

Best wishes to you on going to a meeting and working on your own life.

Expectations as pre-meditated resentments

Yesterday, we awoke to find that the electricity to the pump house and well pump was off.  There is a break in the wire somewhere which means that the wire has to be located, the break found, and a new wire put in conduit.  I rigged up extension cords to run the water pump and deionizing system so we do have water.

The day started out on a downer and went down hill from there.  I was stuck in the gloom of sadness. We found notes from Mom and photos of her and Pop on fishing trips with us.  They were fairly young and vigorous then.  She also saved every single letter from C. when she was in the Peace Corps.  Every one that came from that little village in Ethiopia were right there in a labeled folder. And the one that I picked up to read was about her drinking on Christmas Eve.  I put that letter away and didn't bother to read any more.  Reading about drinking and trying to find Christmas carols on an old radio didn't help my frame of mind.

But as I know only too well, I can start the day over. So I went to a meeting in the early evening. The topic was on expectations and how to have relationships that aren't filled with pre-meditated resentments based on expectations. It was just what I needed to hear.

My expectations have crept back in lately. I keep expecting that every day will be filled with joy.  I keep expecting that people will not disappoint.  I keep expecting that some semblance of sanity will return to the world.  I keep expecting that I will be able to get all the tasks done that I need to do in a day or two.  I keep expecting that people will be givers and not takers. With so many unreal expectations, it's no wonder that I feel overwhelmed and a bit lost.

I know that feeling sad and disappointed will pass.  I simply have to sit with the feelings for a bit and then move on to do something else.  This life has its joys and sorrows.   And all I can do is ride them out, one day at a time.

Today is a new day.  We are going to lunch and then to see a movie.  Time to take a break from the seemingly endless packing of the parent's house.  Time to take care of ourselves, hug and be together.

“joy and sorrow are inseparable. . . together they come and when one sits alone with you . . remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.”― Kahlil Gibran

Methodical progression of the living

I have been doing as much busy work as I can over the last few days since Pop died. And in the evening, I fix myself something to eat and then read until I am sleepy.  There is healing in the methodical progression of the day.

Yesterday was the most difficult so far because I looked at a photo of him as a young man of ten years--a school photo in his emblemed blazer and tie, no sign of anything but innocence.  We are so young and then we get to be so old.  In between, we have so many choices on how we live each day.  I feel badly that Pop didn't have much of a choice in the last couple of years.  A nursing home was not his choice. And that hurts my heart.

My wife has been calling several times a day.  She too is feeling sad.  Tomorrow she comes home.  I wish that she were staying in that healing location with the sea and sand a few more days.  I believe that the loss will hit her harder when she comes home.

I am going to pick up all of Pop's things today at the nursing home.  That way the room will be vacated and readied for someone else.  I would like for there to be another way for the sick and aged to live out their final days.  Mom died at home. But Pop's medical condition with late stage liver failure was just too dire for home health care. He needed to be in a place where there was nursing care and a doctor on staff around the clock.  At least, that is what I am telling myself to assuage my guilt.

I think that this morning, I'm going to a meeting.  I have let the fellowship know what is going on.  Once again, the local AA's have not called.  I have heard from a few Al-Anon people, expressing their care and concern.  But this time, I expected nothing based on the lack of response when Mom died. When the funeral staff gave me a little book so that I could write down what people brought to the house in the way of food, etc., I thought inwardly that the book will remain blank.  And so it has.

Death is an uneasy subject to think about. And so much death in such a few months is even harder to imagine.  At the moment, I am really okay with just being by myself, going about my day, listening to the birds, the rain coming down.  It's all okay for me because I have lowered my expectations of humanity.  We are just people trying to get through life until we ourselves die.

Keeping expectations low during the holidays

At the meeting the other night, we talked about expectations that come as part of the holidays and the tools we can use to not set ourselves up for sadness and resentments.  We are going to do some decorating of the house but decided that this year we would keep it simple.  

No one is coming here for Christmas.  And,  just as for Thanksgiving, it will be our day to visit my in-laws.  We also decided to "adopt" an orphan for Christmas and fulfill the Christmas list of a 16 year old girl in one of the local orphanages. Both my wife and I have enough of everything so we aren't going to give anything to each other except small stocking stuffers.


It's easy to get lost in romanticizing the holidays. Just seeing all the activities in the newspaper and on TV makes everything seem enticing. It's easy to have all the visuals distort my thinking into having unrealistic expectations. I think that it's only natural to reminisce about what Christmas used to be like.  I have mostly good memories but for some of us, the memories are not so good. I do my best to stay in this day and not linger too long on the way things used to be.

The expectations of what Christmas should be, how it should feel, what you're going to give or get distorts everything and takes the pleasure out of it for me.  I like Christmas and appreciate the true spirit of it.  I don't like the commercial side at all. I do my best to be grateful for what I have and focus on those things that I truly need: love, food to eat, a house to live in.... and good books to read.

And the other part of the holiday is the number of opportunities to overdo on food and drink. We don't go to many parties anymore.   But when we do,  it's good to have have some cues to leave at a reasonable time. I call it my escape plan.  My wife doesn't want to go to parties where there is a lot of alcohol. Being around drinkers brings up feelings of unease for her.  I don't mind going without her, but I leave before the heavy partying starts.

We will be enjoying the new kitchen and doing some cooking.  Making cookies, cakes and pepper jelly as gifts for friends is what we are doing to enjoy the holidays.  

So I am keeping expectations low and going to enjoy all that we do have.  A good friend once told me to "lower expectations until you get what you want."  The lower my expectations are, the lower my disappointment level is going to be.  By having some kind of limit on what I'm doing,  I can face the holiday season without falling for the hype.

What wears, what endures

Today is our wedding anniversary.  When I think back to our wedding day,  I realize just how young we were.  And how much in love I was.  I thought that the very breath of me came from my wife.  I'm not sure that she felt that way about me, but I know that over the years she has come to love me more and more.  And for me, I have come to realize that the love that I felt back then has morphed into something different but still powerful.

We were married in my parent's living room at the old house in Virginia.  My father bought us a house as a wedding gift.  We were moving out of the state, heading South after the first of the year.  We wanted our own house so he gave us one. We didn't want money spent on a big wedding.  We wanted her parents, a few of our friends,  my grandmother who was over 90, and a few other relatives of ours to attend.  Many of those people are dead and gone, some we haven't seen in years, and others probably don't remember the day.

Some of my memories are that the biscuit timer went off during the ceremony.  My father was cooking biscuits to stuff with Smithfield ham.  The cake was made by a friend of the family.  The dining room with the old Hepplewhite table that we still have in our dining room was filled with food.  I don't remember eating anything.  I know that I did because there is a photo of us cutting the cake together and eating some.  I know that I was in a daze.

I remember feeling like it was our day though.  A special day for us.  I also wished that we could have a get away honeymoon, but we were both busy with finishing up our dissertations.  So we went back to our little cinderblock house, made love, and then met with my in-laws and some other relatives for dinner.  The special day was done and the reality of being married set in.

I think that we both were not only excited but wondering what we had gotten into.  What would our lives together be like?  We embarked on a journey that day, using the skills that we had learned and carrying along all the baggage that we had put together.  Thankfully, we have honed our skills and discarded most of the baggage.  We've learned to shape a life together.  And we aren't the same kids that we were back then--having unreal expectations of each other and everyone else.  Our sharp edges have been softened with each other.

Lines written for a thirtieth wedding anniversary

Somewhere up in the eaves it began:

high in the roof – in a sort of vault

between the slates and the gutter – a small leak.

Through it, rain which came from the east,

in from the lights and foghorns of the coast – 

water with a ghost of ocean salt in it – 

spilled down on the path below.

Over and over and over

years stone began to alter,

its grain searched out, worn in:

granite rounding down, giving way

taking into its own inertia that 

information water brought, of ships,

wings, fog and phosphor in the harbour.

It happened under our lives: the rain,

the stone. We hardly noticed. Now

this is the day to think of it, to wonder:

all those years, all those years together –

the stars in a frozen arc overhead,

the quick noise of a thaw in the air,

the blue stare of the hills – through it all

this constancy: what wears, what endures.— Eavan Boland

De-stressing

Do you ever think about simply de-stressing your life?  Just letting stuff go that you have been doing like an automaton for years and years, with little joy involved.

I realize that most people can't quit jobs or stop caring for their children.  That's not what I meant.  What I was thinking of is those optional things that we take on because saying "yes" seems to be the thing that comes first to mind out of guilt or rote.

I used to have a hobby that involved traveling and competing.  I was heavily into it.  In fact, I made a big name for myself.  But after 20 years of competing, hearing the gossip about others, seeing people put others down, I walked away.  I could feel the unhappiness every time I would get ready to head out of town for another event.  I simply didn't want to do this anymore.  So I quit.  Just like that.  I am still involved in the sport but in a different way now.  I no longer am stressed by it.  And that feels wonderful.

I used to think that as a young person, I could take on everything.  I hungered to be really good at everything that I did.  I wanted to be the best.  I achieved some of those goals, but no longer have the desire to take on so much.  I have realistic goals now--to improve my knowledge of something I am doing but not get carried away.  I want balance in my life and in the things that I do.

And yes, I have a couple of boats.  And they require maintenance.  But the joy that I get from being on them, having them as a sanctuary, is immeasurable.  There is also the garden that I love.  The flower beds that we tend.  But all of this is not competitive and isn't about comparing myself to others.  We are simply enjoying these things for what they are and the beauty that they bring to our lives.

I want to blame the drive that I have had on growing up in a home where I was pushed and prodded to be the best.  Maybe it was that or simply hard-wired by my genes.  None of that matters because it's what I think and do today to veer off the rigid path of a pre-determined life that really counts.  And I am veering again this weekend.  I will be back home on Monday.  No shoes, no shirt, no problems--I'm getting to it.

Neat little rows

We have been working on the flower beds this week.  My wife has wanted an English garden so now we have two of them.  Neither of us like planting flowers in neat little rows so the beautiful chaos of an English garden is fine.  

I went to the garden center twice this week, filling up the truck with Salvia, Delphinium, Lavender, Cleome, yarrow, Dianthus, Gaillardia, and others.  We have grown our own marigolds and zinnias from seeds that were planted in the greenhouse.  It's tough on plants in the heat and humidity of the deep coastal South.  But for now, on this cool morning, the gardens look wonderful. 

This morning we are getting a bouquet ready for the parents who celebrate their 70 years together.  I know those years weren't necessarily all happy.  But today, I'm choosing to look on the positive side.  I see the photos from their cruises together--both look happy. I look at the Christmas photos of them hugging each other.  And I remember that my mother-in-law told me only a few months ago that "I really love that man".  Seventy years--more than a lifetime for some.  I know that there were some good times during that stretch of years.  

Marriage is such a complicated thing, not only from a legal standpoint but from the hype that we buy into about spending time together, having meaningful discussions, sharing finances, staying in sickness and in health.  So many expectations that no wonder people freak out when they discover that the person they married isn't all that they had hoped for.  Do we ever find anyone who is all that we hoped for?  I don't think so.  I think that we just accept what we can,  and if we can't find anything acceptable then we part.  

Not as many people are making the commitment to marry as in years past.  I understand the reasoning.  With divorce rates being so high, it's a leap of faith to think that you will still love the same person that you married after 20, 50 or 70 years.  I can't imagine my life without my wife today, but there have been days when I could easily imagine it.  Marriage isn't like the neat little rows in a garden, but has its share of chaos too.  If you string together enough good days though, then the occasional bad one or two isn't so hard.   We have strung together some good days this week and over our years together.  I'm a lucky fellow. 

When did I stop pretending?

I dropped all pretenses about my wife's alcoholism the last few months of her drinking. It brings back some bad memories. I would repeatedly ask her to stop which she would do for a while and then, the insanity would start again.

Finally, things got bad enough that I no longer cared. Her driving off from a party drunk, and leaving me to walk home was the final straw.

It took me a while to learn to keep the focus on me. That took a lot longer than continuing to blame her and others for my problems.

We had so much resentment after getting into recovery. We were civil to each other, but both of us were shell shocked. We both knew that each of us was hurting.

I always thought that an "I'm sorry about last night" would make me feel better. But it didn't because the behavior didn't stop. I could recognize that nothing was going to change with words. She really and truly meant it when she said that she was sorry and wouldn't do it again. And then the disease takes hold and is stronger than the person's sheer willpower.

Fortunately, I listened to what my sponsor suggested over and over. I didn't dwell on all the damage that was done. I did not want to pretend that nothing happened but saw no point in blaming and being mired in resentment.

I've learned that it's fine to speak what's on my heart so long as I don't have any expectations attached to the response. I ask myself "what is my motive?" when I want to speak my mind. That really got me to pause and examine whether I had a lot of unrealistic expectations attached to what I was about to say. If my motives looked anything remotely like "I want you to change so I can be happy" then I chose not to speak or to let it rest until the day I felt I could speak without the expectations attached.

I acknowledged the elephant in the room, looked hard at it, and got my self together so that it did not continue to ruin my life. Everyone's solution will be different. In the long run, we do what's right for us and helps us to get our life back under our own control.

Help me to.....

The luncheon yesterday for my father-in-law's 91st birthday was nice.  It's amazing that in just a few short weeks, he is now walking normally.  After he got out of the hospital and physical rehab last time, he could not straighten out his legs.  His memory is amazing, and he is very sharp mentally.

My mother-in-law, on the other hand, says some outlandish things which actually turn out to be funny.  She had us and the caregivers in stitches with her comments that came out of left field.  I'm not sure that all of it is real, because one moment she can hear things perfectly well and make total sense and the next minute she can't hear and says things that are totally out of context.  But nonetheless, she laughs about it all.  Here are some of the funny things she said:

"I have selective hearing and sift through what I want to hear.  Sometimes my sifting needs some work around certain people."

"If you aren't good, I'm going to pull your toenails out."

"I want to go home and if you don't let me, I'm going to have to get my gun."

"I remember giving birth to both of you and you were a pain."

Actually, most of this makes perfect sense to me.  Being around them now that all the pretenses have been dropped has helped me to see them in a new light.

Tonight, my home group meets.  We are celebrating the 21st. anniversary of one of the members.  That's a long time.  Here is what the card says:

Help me to.......

Cultivate the habit of happiness.

Believe that I am good. 

Appreciate the wonders of life. 

Nurture my emotional and spiritual growth.

Say good-bye to the past. 

Give myself credit for what I have to offer.

Make enthusiasm a daily exercise.

Let love change the course of my world.

Every day, something new comes up that helps me to see life a bit clearer.  All the agonizing over so much minor stuff when I was younger, when I began my career, when we were first married--it all comes down to being real and authentic in life now.  And if that means that I don't meet the expectations of others as to how I "should" be, then so be it.  As long as I can be my authentic self, with full recognition of my own shortcomings, then I am okay. 

Rainy day thoughts on adapting

I awoke to rain this morning.  It was nice to have warm temperatures and rain pouring down.  The dogs went for a good run but came into their dog room muddy and shaking the water off their coats.  No worries on that as the room is dog proof, having had many foot prints on the tile floor and much wet shaking over the years.  Their thick double coats are made to shed water which is an amazing adaptation for the work that a retriever does.

I stayed up way too late last night reading.  When my wife is not home, I tend to be the consummate night owl.  I can read as late as I want.  Even though she doesn't complain, I have a feeling that I need to shut the book, turn off the light and hug her.  Since I retired, I have allowed myself to succumb to my natural photoperiod of staying up late and sleeping in until around 7:30 in the morning.  So last night, I read until 2 AM.  When she got home at 7 AM, I got up, had coffee, and we talked.  But we both got a nap later! I am adapting to the natural rhythm of my body after so many years of altering it to suit a schedule.

We talked about how focused old people are on bowel movements.  I remember that my mother became obsessed with it.  Now,  C's mother has become obsessed with it.  I hope that my final years aren't spent worrying about crap like that.  In fact, it is one of the least important things on my mind.  The body does what it will do.  If enough goes in, then something will eventually come out.  I may have to adapt to eating different foods as I get older, but I hope to not obsess about health issues.

Looks like the BBQ was worth the drive!

My home group meeting was cancelled last night due to lack of attendance. A fellow blogger's husband was going to come to the meeting and made the drive up from Hilton Head.  Fortunately, he found a good BBQ place and enjoyed seeing the old church where the meeting is held and the little town.  Hopefully, we will get to catch up at a meeting when he comes back in a few months.  He sent me photos of the "cue", and it looked great.  An adaptation to a change in plans resulted in something good.

I have caught up on quite a few blog posts.  Some people had a good holiday with family, while others were struggling with the drama of alcohol and drug addiction and making the most of Christmas without their loved ones.  All the expectations of Christmas seem to come pouring out no matter how hard I try. This year I managed to hold those expectations in check.  And it turned out to be okay.  I am adapting to the idea that aspects of what used to be are no longer.  But I like to think that every day makes a new start to something that might be better than what was.

A serving of self-pity

Thanksgiving is coming up next week.  It is my favorite holiday, yet this year, I have little enthusiasm for it.  We have the dining room table set, just as we do every year.  Yet, no one will be coming.  We will be taking food over to my wife's parents house.

In years past, we didn't have a large crowd, but there would be my mother, C.'s aunt,  and the parents-in-law.  One year, we had some of my wife's distant relatives over and their children.  It was a wonderful meal, with little printed up menus for people to take home.  We outdid ourselves.  And what happened was that my father-in-law got drunk, fell asleep in his chair, and everyone left him to sleep it off.  I ended up taking him home, during which he was angrily telling me that he should not have been left.  After that Thanksgiving, we decided to not have any more large family gatherings.  That day left us pretty shell-shocked.

This year, I am just tired and feeling down.  There is no joy over at the in-laws, even though the new caregivers will be there. Perhaps they will be joyful and happy to be around.  I am going to keep an open mind about the day.  We are invited to have a second evening meal at the home of some friends on Thanksgiving.  We are going to that.  Yet, I wish that our home were filled up with happy people who could enjoy this house and the food that we cook.  Would you like some self-pity served with that turkey?

It seems sad to have the table set and no one to sit down at it.  I know that it is up to us to take action.  I would like the Normal Rockwell version of Thanksgiving but that is not what will happen.  Most people are with their family, and ours has dwindled to a minimum.   Even contemplating Christmas is just too much as well.  It seems that the pressure to do something, to get "things", to force happiness out of material goods is overwhelming.  I don't want to do that.

I want the happiness to happen because we care about each other,  we want to be together, and we are the best gift to give another through our love.  That is something to be thankful about.  It can still happen with an attitude adjustment by me.

Miracles can be

I just read a post by Lou that makes me sad.  No matter how hard I try, it is hard for me to not have some spark of an expectation for others.  And with that spark, I set myself up for a big fall.  I don't know that words of comfort can make the anxiety go away, the second guessing of what went wrong, the heartache of disappointment.  But I am sure that Lou would appreciate some positive thoughts if you are so inclined.

I see so many joys that people have with their children.  And then I see the heartache that can come.  Maybe my wife and I had some prescient notion that for us to have children would have been disastrous.  I remember the words of a friend telling me that it wasn't the birth that one had to worry about, it was the life.

And the life is a flow that can't be controlled.  It moves and twists, travels rapidly or barely makes progress.  A million circumstances can intervene so that in a second all is altered.  Frankly,  I did not have the courage to have children.  I knew that I would not have been a good parent--too little patience, too much hovering, too much anxiety.  And the idea of loss would have been too much to handle, hanging like the sword of Damocles over my head all the time.

I am in awe of those who have the courage to bring children into the world, love them, provide for them, and treat them with respect.  It has to be one of the most difficult "jobs" to be a parent.  Wanting to protect your child from all the hurts of the world, yet knowing that through the hurts, the child will grow stronger--or not,  has got to be hard.   We both had enough pain in our own childhood to not want to repeat the history.

The growth from child to adult is a miracle no matter what happens.  And I do believe that there are miracles happening for each of us.  Don't give up before one comes into your life.

Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be. ~Shel Silverstein

Saturday afternoon

We are out on the boat for the weekend, anchored behind the undeveloped island with the miles of pristine beach. I am still coughing from the cold that has been kicking my butt for a few days. But there is spaghetti sauce with lots of garlic simmering on the galley stove, and we just finished off a bowl of boiled peanuts so life isn't bad.

The weather has turned delightfully cool. A front came through last night dropping temperature to the 50's. It is such a change from yesterday when it was in the mid 80's.

The lunch with my sponsor was good. It was nice for a few of us to get together. Next week, we are hosting a little going away party at our house. He will be leaving on October 14.

The search for a local sponsor is over. I have asked a fellow that I have known since I came in to co-sponsor me. We get along, but I haven't developed the special connection that I felt when I met my first sponsor. Maybe the feeling will come in time. I also know how desperate I was at first to get better. I don't feel that terrible desperation now. Maybe I am looking for a substitute, and there isn't one. Each person is different. It takes time and a lot of trust to develop any kind of special relationship.

Well, the spaghetti sauce is ready. I am going to check the pasta, light a candle, listen to jazz, and enjoy being in this special place. Wishing you a good Saturday.

Unrealistic expectations

Some times I go to an Al-Anon meeting and I don't hear what I think I need to hear.   That happened to me last week.  I went to a meeting where one of the members was being critical and controlling.  It bothered me.  In fact,  I held onto the resentment for the better part of four days.  It was there over the weekend, turning over in my mind to diminish the otherwise happy holiday. 

And then last night,  I walked into a meeting in which I heard what I needed.  I didn't want to go to the meeting last night.  I was tired from the weekend.  I lay down on the bed and thought about taking a nap, yet I had the nagging feeling that I needed to get to the meeting.  So I threw on some pants and a shirt and went.

When I was walking to the door,  a lady that I know came up to me and said that she needed to hug me.  She started crying and said that her favorite brother had been taken off life support and was likely already dead.  Her tears and words made me realize that nothing is coincidental.  Sometimes I come to meetings with unrealistic expectations.  But if I come with my various needs and problems,  I can be assured that there will be someone there who will share words that will help me to get back on the right path, if I choose to listen.

My ego can block my ears and my heart.  I will instead spend time on judging and being critical, rather than focusing on compassion and acceptance.  Just because someone may not be doing things the way that I think they should be done, does not mean that I have to take their inventory and build a resentment.  It is easy to be critical and harsh.  That is what alcoholism has done to me.  It makes me want to isolate, blame others, and feed me lies about how I know more than others.

I know enough to realize that when I get in a critical and judgmental mindset then I have no spirituality going on.  I have nearly walked out of several meetings and actually did walk out of one.  I was mad at Al-Anon and mad at the stupid people in the meeting.  Thankfully, last night  I was able to get back on track with a good meeting on Step Seven.  I decided to close my eyes and "feel" the energy of the room.  I can tell you, I was a very different person than the one who showed up at that meeting.  I got what I needed and walked out with a lot of gratitude.

It is good for me to have a lesson in humility.  I have to let go of what I think things should look like and how I think things should go.  All I have to do is show up,  have willingness,  and an open mind.  I realize that the right people have been put in my path to help me to accept the hugs and have the experience of loving kindness.

Rain at last

We got some rain finally last night.  I think that everything human or not has heaved a big sigh of relief.  I am still leaving the horse trough filled with water for the deer and other critters as the wetland near the house is just moist and not filled with water as it has been.

We have been getting a lot of vegetables from the garden because of irrigation.  This is the first year that we have grown heirloom tomatoes.  They are kind of purple looking but so delicious! I had to get used to the color though. After smearing a little Miracle Whip on them, they looked and tasted just fine.

I have been a bit of a vegetable myself over the past couple of days.  I haven't been doing a lot in the yard or on the boat.  It has been really too hot to do much of anything. I am going out on the water over the weekend which will be good.  In fact, I have only left the property to go to a couple of meetings and to check on the boat. 

At one of the meetings I attend, we have one topic a month that focuses on Al-Anon literature.  Each month a different topic based on the literature is discussed. This past week,  we discussed loss in relationships from Al-Anon's Opening our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses.  It often feels lonely to be in a relationship with an alcoholic.  There can be a sense of loss although the loved one is someone we see on a regular basis. Even some people who are in recovery may feel left out and alone and grieve for how the relationship has changed.  It can be especially lonely in the first year of recovery.

I think that each of us has to figure out a way to get past the expectations of how we want another to be.  I know that my feeling of grief about the relationship came from what I wanted my wife to do and say.  Once I realized that I was not going to remake her,  I was able to accept and be patient as her recovery process worked.  There isn't an immediate evolution of the spirit for most of us.  It takes time to evolve in recovery to be the person who is happy, joyous and free.  And at that, it is still one day at a time.

The aftermath

Well, Christmas has come and gone.  It was a good day.  We were up early to assemble some things for the buffet lunch.  Everything had been prepared in advance, except for a few dishes.  Around ten, C.'s mom and dad came over, and we opened presents.  Santa was good to all of us.

People started arriving around noon and kept coming until around 2 PM.  It was great to see friends from our meetings and enjoy their company.  I knew that all the work was worthwhile when one lady from a meeting came up to me and said, "You know this is the best Christmas I have had in a long time." She had tears in her eyes.

There was way more to eat than was needed which is usually the case with us.  We worry that there isn't enough and thus overcompensate.  So yesterday, on Boxing Day, I boxed up some cookies, fudge, and BBQ and took it to some friends.  I also took containers of everything to C.'s parents house so that they could enjoy the food as well.  We will still be eating it this week.

After every one left on Christmas day, and we had put away the food and washed dishes,  I went for a ride to the beach.  I reflected on the day: the build up to the day, and now the aftermath of it all.  What came to mind was that Christmas was work, a lot of work.  I worked to prepare food, to help decorate, to buy gifts, to keep my expectations from overwhelming me, and to be a good host.  Although there is a great outpouring of energy into all of this,  I know that I received a lot back.  I reflected on seeing the delight that others had and my being part of a big family that I never had.  I had a feeling of such great love for my wife who is probably the best person that I know. 

At the end of it all, I can truly say that it would be a marvelous thing if the spirit of that one day could extend to every day.

No expectation holidays

I remember well our being newly weds and traveling to visit C.'s parents for Thanksgiving. It was my formal introduction to the rest of the family and friends.

I was anticipating, as I tend to do, a sense of family and all the attendant warm feelings that I so wanted. It was one of those expectations that is doomed to fail.

The Thanksgiving dinner was held at poolside because C.'s mother did not want a lot of people walking on carpet that was brushed daily (I kid you not). So people lined up buffet style after a two hour cocktail party. Some were sloshed by dinner. I made it through all that since I was used to drinking around holidays by my father's relatives.

The real kicker came later when C. and I thought it would be a good idea to wash dishes and clean up. We were happily talking when C.'s mother walked in, asked what we were doing, and proceeded to push us out of the way. She was so angry that she slammed down a crystal wine glass and broke it. To this day, I remember the shock of that moment.



Now in their later years, they are too infirm to come to our house for Thanksgiving so we are cooking it and taking it to them. The mother is still a hostile martyr but at a much quieter level. Political views that C. and I share are at great odds with her family so we keep quiet. If politics comes up, one of us will change the subject.

I have great affection for her parents. And I understand that they are old now. I have learned that restraint of tongue is a good way to get through the holiday time together. I also am not deluded by expectations. I know that I can take a break and go outside to walk around their yard. I can watch a movie with C.'s dad and just chill.

There are many ways to get through the holidays with spirit and serenity intact. There is a lot to be thankful for so a simple gratitude list is a good thing to think about on Thanksgiving. I know that it is my favorite holiday.

So when we gather this year I will eke out of the day all the goodness I can find. As Just For Today states, I can do something for 24 hours that would seem impossible for a lifetime.

Uncondtional love

I've read that it's possible to have unconditional love of self in which you love yourself regardless of external conditions. This means being true to your feelings regardless of those around you. Based on what I know from Al-Anon, the HP loves each of us unconditionally. And if I look outside myself for love, I will not find unconditional love from another human. This has been a tough one to understand in my past but now I know that my demands for love often far exceed what the other person can give. And then my expectations of the other become burdensome and filled with conditions that end up in disappointment and even anger.

It's hard for me to imagine unconditional love in intimate relationships. Maybe after many years together and a lot of insight, one gets to the place where there are no conditions vis a vis the other person. I know that I have lowered my expectations dramatically since being in Al-Anon. But they haven't entirely gone away. My mind will go to the place where I concoct the "what if's" and think about how I wish the one I love would not have an alcoholic mind or selfish behavior. Or if I could just remake them to be the way that I want.... I now realize how dangerous that way of thinking is but sometimes my head just goes there, just as a tongue goes to a sore tooth.

But then I have to say that there is the unconditional love of dogs. They seem to be so happy just to hear the car drive up or hear our voice. They wag, bounce around, and are genuinely glad just to be in our company. A morning at the beach is the best thing in the world. I've had dogs for many years and they have taught me a lot about life and living it in a happy way. Sometimes I think that the HP is manifested in the spirit of dogs and showing us in a tangible form how to love unconditionally.

I don't want to be all things to all people

I have been attending a study group that is currently focusing on the traditions.  We finished up Tradition five last week: Al-Anon has but one purpose to help families and friends of alcoholics. It really states our singleness of purpose in the program. But what struck me though was the idea that I can't be all things to all people.

The reading says " My primary concern is and must be my personal recovery. I cannot give to someone else something that I don't have." How true that is and it's something that I have only put into practice since being in the program.

I used to try to do everything that was asked of me. And then I would volunteer for more. If someone had expectations of me, then I tried to fulfill them. Now I know that I was running myself down trying to do what others wanted me to do. I was trying to be all things to all people and neglecting who I was.

Now I decide what I want to do and don't try to cram too much into one day. If I don't accomplish what I need to do in this day, then hopefully with the grace of my HP there will be another day coming. I don't get swamped in guilt to do the bidding of others. I show up for my meetings. I am there when I tell someone that I will be.  And I am here to do what I can to be a member of this household and take care of things in partnership here.

What's important is that what I do now, I do because it feels right. The demands made by others of my free time are not compelling reasons for me to lose my serenity. I can make choices to limit the things that I want to do.  And what a luxury that is these days.  I am finding many ways to spend my time on those things that I have dreamed about for years.  And for the most part, I am enjoying every moment.