Taking action and letting go

I want to thank all of you for comments about my cousin, R.  And I am especially grateful to Mary Christine who offered her suggestion to contact a patient advocate or chaplain.  I did just that this morning.

I have been turning my cousin's situation over in my mind and given it to my HP.  But the feeling I had this morning when I read Mary Christine's comment was that I needed to make a call.  I simply felt it was what I needed to do.

So I called the hospital and talked to my cousin's case worker.  I told him what was going on, explained that he had an advance health care directive (AHCD), and waited for him to say something. He told me that he could not give me any information due to HIPPA and that I needed to talk to R's wife.  I explained that I wasn't wanting information because I had talked to R's wife many times about him. But what I wanted was to give the hospital information that he does have an AHCD.

It is now out of my hands.  I don't feel particularly settled about this.  I suppose I was wanting something more than telling me I could talk to an attorney or his wife. But I did what felt right to me.  I did what I thought I would want done if I were in a situation of wasting away with sores and tubes.  I gave information, and if it is useful so be it.

I will give his wife a call later. And I am going to suggest to her as kindly as I can that she let him go.  What she does is not something I can control.  I can't have this eating at me anymore.

I am going on the boat for a couple of days, leaving this evening.  I will check in with photos of the beautiful weather we are having. Yesterday, it was near 80 here.  And the next few days are expected to be equally as beautiful and warm.

Thanks again to you, the blogging community, for the thoughts and comments and love that you put out there. It is much appreciated.

Making decisions

My wife is going to have to make some decisions about her mother who is back in the hospital.   Her mother is not eating much and not wanting to drink fluids.  She becomes dehydrated and needs to be hospitalized.  She weighs less than 90 pounds. Dementia has taken over to the extent that she doesn't know who we are and she makes no sense when talking.

We talked about what to do last night.The caregivers who live with her are not skilled nurses.  It appears that she qualifies for hospice care at this point. So C. is going to look into that after talking to the doctors.  We also talked about having her move to the same nursing home where C.'s dad is, so that they could share a room.  On the surface, it seems okay, but this option is one that has some concerns because we wonder whether the staff will spend time trying to get her to eat.  She seems beyond what a nursing home could do at this point.  And will she be okay being in a room with her husband who was so emotionally abusive to her for years?  I wonder about that.

Anyway, that is what we are struggling with today.  I am going to see her in the hospital as my wife is still sick from her cold.  The lingering of a person whose quality of life is poor is a sad thing to see.  Unfortunately, more and more people will be dealing with this as their parents age or they themselves age. The extreme elderly, those who are age 85 and over, are the fastest growing segment of the population. And more than 75 percent of Americans receiving long-term care rely solely on family and friends to provide assistance. It's pretty damn scary.

We both know that there will be a solution.  Making the decision for her best interest is what we want.

Turning point

The rain is coming down today and is supposed to last until the afternoon.  I'm enjoying being at home.  The door to the porch is open, letting in the clean smell of rain.  I slept in until 7 AM which is unusual when I'm home.  But today, I don't have anything special to do, no schedule.

Last night, the Tuesday night group had a nice celebration for one of the long time members in Al-Anon.  She celebrated 30 years and talked about the turning point for her.  It came when she was told that her alcoholic son had a Higher Power of his own, and she wasn't it.  To her, that simple statement meant that she could stop trying to force her will on her son.  She could let him go to find his way, entrusting him to a power greater than herself.  I have heard her story many times and remembered the first time she shared that she could finally not carry all the burdens of others on her shoulders.  Her words helped me to shrug off the weight that I carried for so long.

Vanity, ego and stubbornness were my enemies when dealing with others.  If only the person would do what I said, then all would be okay.  But people have their own minds, their own time table, and their own shortcomings.  It was presumptuous of me to think that I could make another person do as I wanted. The cost in energy to my being was huge.

Now when I see a person stumble,  I offer my hand, a word of encouragement, but I don't try to fix or change them.  Many times I have bitten my tongue when I see what I think are mistakes a person is making. But who am I to say whether what they do is a mistake?  Their beliefs and actions are theirs to own.  I know that our paths may diverge and that is okay.

At some point, there will be a turning point for each of us, a place where we either realize that the path we are following is folly or one that will lead us to where we were hoping to go.

In every life there is a turning point. A moment so tremendous, so sharp and clear that one feels as if one's been hit in the chest, all the breath knocked out, and one knows, absolutely knows without the merest hint of a shadow of a doubt that one's life will never be the same.— Julia Quinn

Miracles can be

I just read a post by Lou that makes me sad.  No matter how hard I try, it is hard for me to not have some spark of an expectation for others.  And with that spark, I set myself up for a big fall.  I don't know that words of comfort can make the anxiety go away, the second guessing of what went wrong, the heartache of disappointment.  But I am sure that Lou would appreciate some positive thoughts if you are so inclined.

I see so many joys that people have with their children.  And then I see the heartache that can come.  Maybe my wife and I had some prescient notion that for us to have children would have been disastrous.  I remember the words of a friend telling me that it wasn't the birth that one had to worry about, it was the life.

And the life is a flow that can't be controlled.  It moves and twists, travels rapidly or barely makes progress.  A million circumstances can intervene so that in a second all is altered.  Frankly,  I did not have the courage to have children.  I knew that I would not have been a good parent--too little patience, too much hovering, too much anxiety.  And the idea of loss would have been too much to handle, hanging like the sword of Damocles over my head all the time.

I am in awe of those who have the courage to bring children into the world, love them, provide for them, and treat them with respect.  It has to be one of the most difficult "jobs" to be a parent.  Wanting to protect your child from all the hurts of the world, yet knowing that through the hurts, the child will grow stronger--or not,  has got to be hard.   We both had enough pain in our own childhood to not want to repeat the history.

The growth from child to adult is a miracle no matter what happens.  And I do believe that there are miracles happening for each of us.  Don't give up before one comes into your life.

Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be. ~Shel Silverstein

Fishing photos and update

We had a good day fishing.  It was therapeutic to get out on the water and enjoy a warm day, beautiful scenery, and some seafood.  Here are some photos from our day:

The Sea Island Yacht Club where we launched the boat. An old building and an old club.  

A spot-tail bass that was the object of the day.  We catch and release. 

The fishing "hole" where the spot tails like to feed on the dropping tide. 

An eagle's nest--look for it near the middle of the photo.  

The clamming creek where on low tide we can rake up quite a few. 

Raking for clams which was productive!

Our clam take for the day.  These went into linguine with clam sauce. 

I feel as if I haven't had much to write about lately, except living life on life's terms.  That is a benefit of recovery--not fighting what comes but doing my best to accept and take positive action.  Here are some things that I have been doing:

--Contacting people for the caregiver position.  This is proving to be more difficult than I thought.  Good pay, a comfortable house, all expenses paid--I thought that there would be more people applying.  I was naive because it seems that there is much demand for caregivers.  And this is likely to be a field that only increases as we all age.  We have a couple of people that we are interviewing tomorrow.

--Working on the boat which will likely take 2-3 more weeks before going to haul out at the boat yard.  Lots of priming and filling.  But she is looking good.

--Going to meetings and meeting with those I sponsor.  I find that I can expunge the drama of life by going to a meeting.  I feel the weight lifted.  I am among others who live with drama every day, and somehow, we manage to feel a bit lighter after being together for an hour.  This never ceases to amaze me.

--Walking with the dogs in the morning.  We do about a mile together before any of us have breakfast.  They love it, and we get some time to enjoy the property and look for animal tracks.

What I haven't been doing is getting around to all the blogs that I like to read.  I will catch up at some point.  I have literally felt overwhelmed with the caregiver situation.  But I can see that creativity in thinking--split shifts and other ways to get coverage 24/7--is helping.  All will be okay.

Have a good day.  And if you are a veteran, thanks for what you have done.

Riders on the storm

No, I wasn't crazy like these people who decided to go out in a small boat as the hurricane passed offshore. Instead, I took the boat out of the marina yesterday to head upriver to a creek for safe anchorage.

The waves were running about 4 feet in the harbor but the further upriver I went, the less wave height there was. The winds kept up all night, shaking the boat, and ruffling the canvas dodger and bimini. I was grateful for a good anchor and chain rode.






This morning, the wind is still strong but is supposed to subside later today. My thoughts are with all who are being affected by the hurricane. Having been through Hugo, I can say that it isn't fun. Loss of power for 23 days was the worst part for us because we were south of that storm. The tree devastation and loss of life and homes was terrible for those only 40 miles away.

Later today, I am going to head back to the harbor and anchor up at the usual spot near the beach. It is supposed to be hot and in the low 90's. A bit of breeze will be appreciated since the mosquitoes will likely be out after the rain over the past two days.

I am going to take a nap after a breakfast of shrimp and grits. Take care if you are in harm's way. Be safe.

Good samaritan?

God, what a day yesterday.  I was so tired when I got home around midnight last night that I didn't even shower.  I just fell into bed, hugged C. and told her I loved her, patted Mr. Moose on his needle nose that was stuck in my face, and then fell asleep.  I did not read a blog, I did not write a post.  I also did not eat much or drink enough water.  I was emotionally and physically drained.

I'll tell you about the day.  The morning started with my going to a fast food joint near the boat yard. I don't go to fast food places anymore.  But yesterday morning I was hungry and in a hurry.  First mistake.

 

The drive through service was backed up about a half mile, so I went inside. Second mistake.  So I ordered a biscuit, sat down at the plastic table on a plastic chair and was about to wolf down the biscuit and get out as quickly as possible when a young man came rushing up to a young woman who was standing in line.  He started yelling at her.  He had his fists balled up and was pacing back and forth yelling at her like a maniac. 

I looked up at the other people in line who were pretending as hard as they could that both these people would disappear.  The young woman was telling the crazy guy to please be quiet and to stop.  But he kept yelling to not give her any food because she stole his money.  And he said that he was going to beat her.

Bingo. He said the wrong words.  I looked at him as he was maybe five feet from me.  And I said something like "You need to stop yelling at her and leave now." God, I hate myself when I get in protective mode.   I cannot stand to see someone cowering and being threatened.  This guy was not big but he appeared to be high on something.  I thought that perhaps a fairly stern warning would evoke some flight response. 

Instead he came over and started getting in my face.  So I got up, towering over him, and said that I was going to get my phone (the one time I left it in the car) and was calling the police.  Okay.  That should make him leave, right?  Nope.  He follows me outside, yelling at me, with the young woman telling him to stop.  The frozen people in the fast food joint were watching all this without moving a muscle, pretending still that this is just normal and continuing to order their whatevers. 

So I go to my car, not really turning my back on him, but telling him to get away from me as I was calling the police, and he might just want to head on out.  He just kept getting in my face and screaming at me.  He told me that he could do what he wanted to his wife.  He could yell at her and hit her if he wanted. His fists were balled up, and he was acting like a crazy man.  I told him to get away from me.  I was seriously getting ready to plant a size 13 foot right in the middle of his chest followed by a hard right to the face,  when I saw a police car.

As luck (or HP) would have it, a police car drove by just at the moment and slowed for the light.  I walked quickly to the police car and told the officer that there was a domestic dispute going on right here, right now and to turn around.  He did a U turn and within seconds was right there.  Within a minute three other police cars were right there. 

So the police get out,  start talking to the guy who said that I was making threats at him.  Everyone went off to their respective corners--me with one officer, the girl with another, the fellow with another.  A fourth was standing amongst this happy little enclave ready to taze or do whatever was necessary if any of us made the wrong moves. 

So I told the officer what happened.  He told me that I could go back in the fast food joint and wait until he talked to the other two.  So back I go to purgatory.  I am looked at like I am some kind of homeless guy making trouble when I go back in.  I was wearing jean shorts, a tee shirt, a two day old beard and probably had a nervous twitch by now.  So I can see the confusion. 

The lady who I took to be the manager came over and asked if I was okay.  I wanted to say, "Yes, I do this every day.  It is a great way to get a huge adrenalin rush in the morning." But I said I had been better.  She said that those two were regulars but "He don't usually act quite that bad." Great.  I can only imagine having  to deal with the regular crowd every morning. 

The policeman then came in and told me that the fellow didn't actually make any physical contact with his wife or me, so he couldn't be charged with anything.  He is known by the police as a guy with temper problems and a few other issues that he didn't go into.  He thanked me for stepping up as a "good citizen" but cautioned against getting involved in the future.  He said the best thing would be to quietly step outside and call the police. 

Yes,  I definitely heard him.  I know how stupid I was.  The guy could have had a knife or a gun.  I know that something in me bubbled up when I saw nobody making a move to do anything.  It was like I couldn't help myself.  It was something deep and instinctual. 

So I left, got in my car, and drove past the guy who was surrounded by three police with papers in their hands.  I guess he was getting charged with something or being given a warning.  The young woman who he said was his wife was sitting alone on the curb with her head in her hands.  I rolled down the window as I drove past and said, "Take care of yourself."  She wanly smiled and said thanks.  That was it. 

When I got to the boat,  I had already beaten myself far worse than that guy would have.  Thankfully, the engine started, and I was able to get underway.  All of that went smoothly.  But instead of enjoying the first thirty minutes of the trip, I was continuing to beat myself up: "You know better. You could have gotten up and called outside. What were you looking for--a fight?".  Sigh. 

But I gave myself those thirty or so minutes and then I focused on the buoys and markers, calling the bridge tender to open the bridge, and the boat which is magical and beautiful.  By the time I got to the marina,  the residual of the experience was just about gone. 

For the rest of the day, I just worked on moving things from my 22 foot faithful boat to the new beauty.  I felt a bit like I was hurting the love of my life. 

Later I went to engine class where we had a good laugh over the misspelling of winch on a handout sheet.  The instructor had written "wench" instead.  You can only imagine what "hooking the strap on the wench" evoked.  Goodhearted laughter felt good.  And the two women in the class had a good laugh with the rest of us as we ribbed the instructor who is an older gentleman and hadn't a clue what his mistake was.  

Then I went back down to the boats to check on them and check the bilge systems, do some caulking on one of the hatches, and hook up to shore power.  Finally, around 11:30 PM, I headed home to another kind of refuge, worn out but with my head cleared of the day's events.  I will repeat from my previous post: Life is an apprenticeship.  I am still an apprentice.

Take what you like

I included a link to a treatment resource website yesterday. I looked at the site and decided that it was about resources and information rather than allying with a particular facility. That being said, I would like to hear your thoughts on whether inclusion of the link or indeed whether my blog breaks any tradition or principle of Al-Anon. I encourage you to express your views.

I believe that we each have a right to express ourselves. When I write about my experience, strength, and hope here, it is my opinion. In no way do I represent Al-Anon in any official capacity. "The opinions expressed are strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you like and leave the rest".

The Internet has opened up many ways to share our lives. I remain anonymous to the best of my ability. What I write mentions no one by name. And I try not to be too specific when I write about experiences. I want in no way to harm the program that has given me so much. Let me know your thoughts.

We all need sabbaticals

A sabbatical is not rare in academia.  Most professors will request a sabbatical at some time. They provide an opportunity for refreshment and new experiences.  It's a chance to get away from your normal routine - a time to immerse yourself in a different environment, a chance to see your life from a different perspective.

I think that perhaps I am going to call retirement a kind of sabbatical.  The Director came in today and told me that I can keep my office and computer here should I desire to continue to work on some manuscripts and projects.  That was a surprise to me.  We have had our differences over the years, but I told him that I appreciated the offer and would take him up on it.  I have a couple of books that I want to publish, a series of statistical lectures to complete, and some other opportunities to participate in scientific endeavors.  It sounds good to me because I will only keep the schedule that I want to keep and not one that is a must.   

I read this morning that Mary Christine, who has been writing daily for over 5 years, has decided to take a sabbatical from blogging.  I think that we all get tired and need a break from routine tasks. I like to think that those who are taking a sabbatical will connect with the dreams that can inspire them on the next stage of the journey. I certainly wish that for Mary as I have followed her flowers, her running, her work and her sobriety since I was blogging.

I am feeling inspired to dream today.  My dreams aren't elaborate ones.  They are mostly about having more time to spend at home or on the boat.  It seems that in those two places, I have the utmost freedom. I don't want to take a sabbatical from life, just from structure.  My desire is to create more space in my life so that people and opportunities will present themselves in unexpected ways. I hope to keep that spirit of openness, spaciousness, and surprise alive.  And I wish that for each of you. 

"I still recall how, with my bag on a pole, I forgot my yesterdays.
Wandered the hills, played in the water, went to the land of the clouds.
The lift of an eyebrow, the blink of an eye -- all of it samadhi.
In this great world there is nowhere that is not a wisdom hall."

Ziyong, 18th c. Chinese nun

Realizations

I am starting off the first of the week with a sleep deficit. C and I stayed up way too late last night watching the voting in the House on health care reform.  Today I was somehow thinking that the bitterness and backbiting would be over. I am an optimist and a bit naive.  But like so many things that I have no control over,  I am choosing not to participate in debates, arguments, and vituperative discussions about any of this.

C enjoyed her birthday.  We had a nice dinner with her parents.  Her mother is doing okay but is still in some pain.  I don't like to see the decline in their health.  I know that it worries my wife, although she doesn't talk much about it.  She carries them to their doctor's appointments, although her father still drives.  It makes me sad that she will have to face the heartache of losing one or both of them.  I don't want her to feel that pain.  But there is nothing that I can do to ease it for her, other than just be there.

I know after reading your blogs that our decision not to have children was for the best.  I would find it difficult to cope with the pain of having an alcoholic or addicted child.  I can feel the anxiety in the pit of my stomach as I read about relapses, tensions, rehab, prison, panhandling and all the other stuff that goes along with addiction.

We both realized years ago that we weren't ready to be parents.  We wanted careers.  The years added up and then we realized that things were too messed up due to alcoholism to have children.  After that, it was too late.  I don't have any regrets about the decisions.  A child is not a panacea for problems. 

I don't have to make the tough decisions at the moment that many of you are facing.  I have been thinking about teak decks, cutter versus sloop rigs, and a host of things that have to do with pleasurable pursuits.  I don't feel guilty but mindful that there is minimal chaos in my life today.  Tomorrow all Hell may break loose, but today I am in a good place.  I wish that for each of you also.

A Thursday question

I feel like this needs to be Friday.  I am really tired.  Once again, I have had too many late nights--mostly due to meetings, although last night was a dinner out and some lively conversation instead of rowing.  Tonight I am taking my wife out to a nice place downtown for a pre-birthday dinner.  Her natal day is Sunday so we will have dinner with her parents that evening.  But tonight is our dinner together at a special restaurant.  Hopefully, I'll be able to stay awake through the main course!

I had a good conversation this morning with my sponsor who stays busy in his retirement.  I seem to never stop and was complaining that in retirement one can decide when (or whether) to get up, shower, and leave the house.  But when my alarm rings at 5: 15 AM, I can hit the snooze button a couple of times, after which I'd better get up and get going. The work world calls!

And then there is the time spent on recovery "work". I think that in truth my recovery work takes a lot of time.  I spend 5 hours a week minimum with sponsees, another 3-4 hours a week in meetings, not counting the driving time to and from.  But I consider that this time is the most well spent of my week.  What I'm thinking about are the time sinks that add up during a week.  It’s that sucking sound I hear--of the sands of time, the ticking clock, and the blurting alarm in the morning.  So here's the question:

What was this week’s biggest time sink for you?

For me, it has to be reading and commenting on blogs.  Even with speed reading, it still takes several hours a week to get through the blogs that I like to read and make comments. Even if someone doesn't comment on mine, I like to read theirs. But it definitely takes time.  Oh, and sleeping is another time sink-- but a necessary one!

Dogged and worse

I talked with my sponsor this morning.  During the conversation I mentioned that one of the events at the Al-Anon convention was lead by a declared alcoholic who also happens to be a GR for a group that he started in the area.  He is energetic, enthusiastic and glad to be of service.  The conundrum is that he is also an active member of one of the open AA meetings that I attend.  I see him there when I go, have heard him declare himself an alcoholic, and see him as a GR at our district meeting.

I know, as does my sponsor, that the World Service manual is clear that alcoholics cannot start an Al-Anon meeting nor can they serve at the level of GR.  I've written about that before on here.  My sponsor sees no problem that someone with long-term sobriety would serve as a GR.  I disagree simply because I do believe that these are separate fellowships.  Once an alcoholic serves as GR,  regardless of how enthusiastic the person is, then a precedent is set in which others will do the same.  I know that we both have strong feelings in opposition here.

There is a district meeting coming up in March.  I am struggling with whether to bring this up as a topic under new business.  Perhaps it could be handled by copying information from the service manual and stressing that "double winners" don't serve in GR capacities.  But what if the alcoholic remains silent and decides to continue as GR and the "leader" for the group?  It is a question of how dogmatic I want to be and whether I want to push the point.

One part of me says "back off" because feelings will be hurt.  The other part of me believes so much in the traditions and in keeping Al-Anon at the level of GR and above for just Al-Anons. I go to open AA meetings and don't share, much less sign up for service. I have no problem at all with other service positions being fulfilled by "double winners". They may sponsor, serve as secretary, treasurer, work in outreach, and do a host of other service activities.  And alcoholics have the right to the same recovery that I have found in the Al-Anon fellowship.  The only requirement for membership is that they are affected by alcoholism in a relative or friend.

My father used to tell me that I always wanted to carry my point.  I wonder whether this is another example of the dogmatism that has served me well at achieving goals over the years. But hurting others due to a dogmatic attitude is a different thing.  I am going to pray about this and see what my inventory tells me.  Do I need to just say "how important is it?" or do I need to make it important?

Do you make the call?

Yesterday in the meeting, a mother spoke about her daughter who is in a bad way from alcohol/drugs. She wasn't a newcomer to Al-Anon. Over the years, she had been down the road to hell to get her daughter out of scrapes, jails, debt and all the other woes that occur with addiction.

This time the mother doesn't know whether to initiate efforts to get her daughter into rehab. She doesn't know whether to make the call that will get her daughter off the streets. All efforts in the past were made, only to go through the heartache of relapse. She said that as a mother she wants to do what she can to get her daughter the help that is needed. But she said that the "powerless" part of her wants the daughter to reach out for help, to want to be well. The mother doesn't want to enable anymore.

I wished that Lou, Cat, Karen, Mom and Dad, Pam, Mary and other bloggers who have dealt with the struggles of having a child be addicted had been there to offer their E, S, and H. I know what I felt in my heart. I knew without much thought that I would do whatever I could to reach out to someone I loved to get them to a treatment facility. But as a member shared, he let go of any expectations once he made the call to get his son into treatment. He tossed the life ring; it was then up to the addict to grab hold and save himself.

I am glad that I don't have to make a decision about whether to jump in the water and place his hands on the ring and and then pull him to shore. My prayers go out to all of you who deal with these decisions on a daily basis and to those who are still sick and suffering. May God hold you in his hands.

Sparks

I'm sorry to read that Steve has decided to move on. There is something unsettling to me about having people who I have come to "know" move out of my life. It's no doubt the old fear of abandonment coming back and trying to worm its way into my head.

Steve has provided a lot of great insight into AA. He and I blogged in tandem about the traditions. I think that both of us were relieved to complete those posts, even though it was a great learning experience for me.

I believe that Steve will do well with whatever he decides to do. He wrote that he is "disenchanted, dispirited, disillusioned, disheartened, dishonored, and disgusted" with his life. I can identify with those thoughts since I had them for much of my life. I'm thankful to have figured out that I'm not defined by those words any longer.

They are the "boogeymen" that come out of the darkness as I live this journey of recovery. The good thing is that I understand my journey towards being a better person will be a long one. And I'm not going to be traveling alone. You and others will accompany me. There are going to be lots of diversions, obstacles, and difficulties along the way. But if I can just keep that celestial spark within, I think that I'll keep going.

I particularly like the following daily reading:

"You were born with a spark of the Divine within you. It had been all but smothered by the life you were living. That celestial fire has to be tended and fed so that it will grow eventually into a real desire to live the right way. By trying to do the will of God, you grow more and more in the new way of life. By thinking of God, praying to Him, and having communion with Him, you gradually grow more like Him. The way of your transformation from the material to the spiritual is the way of Divine Companionship." From Twenty-Four Hours a Day

I need to keep that spark of celestial fire going within me. I hope that Steve tends his flame as he moves on in his journey. He has given his time and energy to many others. Thanks Steve for helping make things brighter for me.

PS: Steve is back! I bet he inventoried, prayed, digested, and spit out a blog post. One day at a time we do what seems right on the day. I've learned that "never" is a God word. Welcome back Steve. Glad that you got back on the horse.

Overthinking

I passed my cruising certification with a good dose of humility. The practical part was relatively easy, but the written test was more difficult. I think that I have always over thought questions, even when I was taking tests in college and graduate school. I tend to see the question from different angles, second guess myself and get hung up.

It's been over a year since I took any kind of test (the first sailing certification test last year). Maybe my brain just doesn't work as well as it used to but when faced with multiple choice questions, I tend to go into over analysis. And the questions I missed were ones that I over thought.

I tend to do that over thinking with a lot of things in life. I certainly have over thought relationships and second guessed the meaning behind words and actions: She said "A" but maybe she really means "B". You know that kind of thinking that drives me and everyone else nuts. It's the "what if" scenarios that I'm setting up and reading more into something than is there. In short, as my father would say, I'm making things difficult for myself. Over thinking doesn't give me any clarity but instead clogs my thinking with negativity.

And then there is the "This sounds right and looks right so I'm just going to do it" kind of thinking. It means that I move ahead and devil take the hind most. It doesn't work that well on tests either as I'm either not reading the question right or am rushing through and not thinking clearly. This approach leaves many wrong turns in life and wrong answers on tests.

I think that the best thinking comes in the context of reality when I don't necessarily follow totally along logical lines but "gestalt" things a bit and keep my head and heart in alignment. I'm just thankful I don't have to take any more tests anytime soon!

"Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines."
lyrics from Tool off Lateralus.

Renewal

It was an intense but good day today. I'm on a panel reviewing proposals for one of the federal agencies. Putting together a good research proposal takes not only technical understanding but an ability to "sell" your idea to a diverse review team. I enjoy the exchange of thoughts and working to build a consensus on a proposal.

I also found that just being here has been a breath of fresh air. It's like a shot in the arm to be around people who have a lot of interest in getting something accomplished and in seeing the best ideas funded. Maybe it was just what I needed this week.

There was a nice get together tonight at the home of the agency director. I've known her for a long time. We talked quite a bit about my leaving my current position and pursuing some other activities in my field. One of the nicest compliments was that I was a "visionary" and that the field would greatly miss my participation. Wow! I haven't heard those words in a while.

So that got me thinking that perhaps I still am not really good at being my own cheer leader. And that some of what has me down about my current position is lack of any kind of encouragement. I know that's what finally got to my wife. She felt that working at the lab was like a "black hole" that sucked the energy out of her.

Is this still my attempt at needing approval and a pat on the back? I think that is part of it. I don't know about you, but I find it difficult to maintain enthusiasm in a situation where there is little positive feedback.

The bottom line is I'm feeling renewed energy and a sense of relief in knowing that I still love this field and have a passion for the work. I just know that I need to change the work environment.

Brief today

I have to make this brief. My wife's sponsor has been moved to Hospice and her time remaining appears to be short. We are feeling sad right now. It's uncertain when we'll be able to visit. I wish that there was something happier to write about, but we both know that the cancer has progressed very rapidly.

The news this morning made me think about how fleeting life can be. I am praying that God will hold all the sick and suffering in his hands and ease their pain.

There is no easier softer way

I always like the part in the Big Book from "How It Works" about thinking that "......we could find an easier softer way. But we could not". In Al-Anon, there isn't an easier softer way either. No, we're not in imminent danger of drinking ourselves to death, but we are in danger of a slow, painful emotional death.

I've read a few blogs recently where people are trying an easier, softer way in my opinion. And I listen to this in meetings too. They are making a few meetings if there's time, they are reading a daily reader, but they still feel miserable. And yet, they wonder why.

My experience has been that there is no easier softer way. Half-measures do nothing but prolong the agony. Here are the "steps" that I took to find some peace of mind:

1. I got myself a sponsor. I trusted what I'd heard that I needed one. And so I found the person who would be my guide at my third Al-Anon meeting.

2. I did what my sponsor told me to do. I called every day, I did the readings, I went to several meetings a week, including open AA meetings.

3. I worked the steps. I didn't complain or worry that they would be too difficult. I wanted peace and serenity. I saw that in the faces of those who had worked the steps. I wanted what they had.

4. I started doing service work. I did little things at first...putting out literature, bringing food for meetings. Then I signed up to chair meetings. I told my story when asked to do so. I began to chair Beginner's meetings. And now I'm a GR as well as sponsor.

5. I didn't make up excuses. I work a demanding job. I sometimes don't get home until nearly 10 PM because I go from work to a meeting or to meet a sponsee. I'm not some kind of robot. I get tired and worn out. But this program is important enough to me that I give it time and energy.

6. I got honest with others and myself. I was done with denying things. I got a lot of stuff that had been haunting me off my chest. I realized that by getting rid of all the secrets that I had carried around for so long, I felt lighter in mind and body.

So if you're really looking to go down the road to recovery, then there is no easier, softer way. If you're content to stay stuck in the same pile of crap that you've been sitting in for all these years, then be my guest. I always liked that my sponsor would say, "it's nice and warm sitting in all that shit, but when you move around it stinks". Yes, it does. And being a half-person stinks too.

Thanks... I just needed to say these things.

One Thing

I thought that this was particularly appropriate as we approach the New Year:

What if you could do one thing that would
change your mind
change your attitude
change your day
change your life
change the world—would you do it?

Wondering what that one thing might be?
The answer is amazingly simple.
That Onething is whatever you want it to be.

And, what if that one person were joined by thousands-even millions-of other one persons, each doing just ONE THING toward creating a healthy planet? Guilt, fear and helplessness won't save us, but rolling up our sleeves and pitching in will. Avoid the overwhelm, participate in ONE THING, and experience how good it feels to make a difference.

Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, each and every moment of the day there is one thing you can do to honor life, one thing that will honor you and the world you live in. It might be using cloth bags at the grocery store, not driving one day a week, reading a story to a child, or smiling at a stranger. We live in one world. Nothing can happen to you that doesn't happen to me. Nothing can happen to them that doesn't happen to us. For better or worse, we are in this together. Let's make it better.

What will you do?

I'm going to do a random act of kindness every day.

Have a Happy New Year's Eve.

Bailouts and debates

I spent a great night at home, got up early and went back in the field for a rainy day. Tonight, I'm back home and am glued to the news.

I have to admit that one of the boring things about me is that I am a news freak. And tonight I'm playing catch up on what has been going on this week. More bad news on Wall Street, more people wondering what is going on, and maybe more people waking up and taking an interest in the state of the nation.

I'll be tuned in to the debate tonight. I want to see what each candidate has to say. I want to make an informed decision. Tonight I don't feel powerless but empowered to watch and listen to what candidates for the presidency of this nation have to say. I hope that I won't be disappointed because I do have some expectations.