Spring is here

We are having blustery April weather in the Lowcountry with cool temperatures. Lots of beach erosion with much of the restored beaches losing most of their sand. A foolish enterprise to try to add sand to beaches on barrier islands. The very definition of insanity is to keep doing something over and over again, expecting different results. Yet that is what happens on the tourist inhabited barrier islands.  And then the next northeaster comes along and removes the sand back offshore.

The catkins are falling from the oak trees. We have moved from pollen season to leafy green spring with incredible hues of green.  I wash off the cars and realize that is also insanity because every morning they are covered again with catkins. No need to do anything but let them fall and have the wind blow them off as we drive to town.

We lost another of our dogs last week.  It was unexpected which made it hard on us.  He had gone in for removal of a large interdigital cyst, recovered from the operation, and then two days later began to run a fever.  He died later that afternoon from an occlusion to the mesenteric artery that cut off blood flow to his intestines.  So we have three dogs remaining in our pack.  All are elderly, and we are thinking that we won't get another dog.  I have had dogs all my life and will greatly miss having one, but perhaps it is time to travel more and not suffer the heartache of watching them grow old.  Meanwhile, we love the ones that we have.

I have begun to attend a new meeting (for me) on Monday evenings.  I like it. It is filled with a lot of recovery and good people.  I had promised my sponsor, who died a few years ago, that I would keep our home group on Monday going.  I did my best.  But keeping a meeting going is a collective effort. So my current sponsor and I go to this meeting where there are more people and lots of enthusiasm.  I am eschewing "doing the same thing over and over" in favor of branching out and seeing old friends within the district at this meeting.

C. and I have been busy with the garden and taking time in the evenings to go downtown to some concerts.  The blues concert by the sea was great.  An outdoor venue on a bright afternoon was just the thing. And then going to hear Joan Baez and Greg Allman was also awesome.  We like the smaller venues which definitely make for some great listening and interesting people watching. Sadly at the last concert a woman sitting next to me got very drunk, and her son and husband left early to take her home. Drinking several 16 ounce beers in a short period will do that. I felt bad for her family. I am grateful that I don't have to be the one taking a drunk home anymore.

It is varnishing time on the boat. I am planning on getting a lot of that done before it gets too hot.  This is an annual occurrence--sand, varnish, sand, varnish and then add six more coats of varnish.  A labor of love for a classic boat.

Sending good wishes for your day.

Feeling at home

Happy Love Day to you, my friends.  It is a cold one here, unusual for even February.  We have a good fire going.  And some warm soup on the stove. Nothing too special but some time together.

What I want to write about is my home group.  Sadly, few people attend anymore. We were always a small group, but it seems that over the last 8 months, our numbers have dwindled remarkably.  If you recall, this was the group that my sponsor started over 20 years ago.  It was where I worked my steps and studied the traditions. It was where we did book studies.  And now, it feels like a dying group.

I have driven an hour to this group for nine years. Now, I am tired of driving the distance and have three other meetings within 15 minutes of our house.  The other meetings have from 12 to 25 people.  Yet, I feel sad at the decline in the legacy of the group where I felt most at home.

I am not going to give up and plan to be back in the spring. Hopefully, others may come back too.

Unfortunately, there appear to be a decline in some groups throughout the area. And numbers are down nationwide.  As the population ages, it seems that fewer young people are coming to the rooms.  And men are definitely rarer in meetings than women.

I am not sure why this is occurring.  Perhaps as problems in society increase, people have less time for "self help" and spend more time just making ends meet. As for lack of men, most of us are less likely to seek any help for any problems, both professionally and in a "self help" format.  Maybe it is the mention of a "God of our understanding" that is off putting.

Having tried therapy years ago,  Al-Anon was the place where it all "clicked" for me. It was where I found fellowship and support.  I learned that others had the same problems that I had.  And I learned to not hide those problems, but to share what I felt in a group of strangers.

This was hard at first. But I stuck it out and learned to trust, feel safe and be emotionally present to ourselves and others.  I believe that the fellowship is probably the reason most people stay. The real work of the 12 steps and doing service work seems to be not as high a priority.

No matter how long we go to meetings, family relationships cannot always be transformed.  I have seen individuals transform though, from angry people to those who have learned to be loving even when our families are dysfunctional. We learn to soothe ourselves, and we learn that we need to be close to others. No longer being a victim is empowering.  In the meetings I attend,  I experience patience and kindness, especially when we see traits in others that we have looked at in ourselves. As we truly learn to love and accept ourselves, these traits are seen as a reason to love than as an excuse to persecute.

I will keep coming back.  It is where I feel at home.

Hope that you are experiencing love today.

Drinking in the New Year

I hope that you had a good beginning to 2016.  It seems that a lot of people are struggling with the aftermath of the holiday season. The rooms have been fairly packed with people who have found that living with alcoholism is a struggle. Just about every meeting is filled.  People come in and are lost from a holiday season filled with drinking and out of control behavior.  They feel lost, angry and are struggling in their relationships with problem drinkers.  Sadly, this happens every year.  Some of the newcomers stick around for the miracle of recovery while others decide that they can control the drinking of another.  The merry-go-round continues.

I received an email from someone who was saying that it was difficult to live with active alcoholism.  And how hard it is when our culture seems to think that drinking to excess is okay and socially acceptable.

First off, living with active alcoholism was a nightmare for me.  And I know that even with Al-Anon, it would be impossible for me to stay in a relationship with active alcoholic drinking.  My struggle to rescue and enable is still very real. And that does more harm to the alcoholic in many ways.  I can feel the anxiety as I type this, thinking about what it used to be like.  If I were to have any peace, I would not again live with an alcoholic who is not serious about recovery.

As far as our society glamorizing alcohol, I see it a lot in social groups, although most of us now have realized that drinking every day is not only unhealthy but not sustainable. That being said, the young people I am around seem to revel in partying and drinking.  This is a college town so there are plenty who get sick from alcohol toxicity.  And I think to myself that there will be a place for them in the rooms of AA someday if they don't stop.  Sadly, because alcoholism is a progressive disease, they may not be able to stop.  Those who can't will keep it up until they are real alcoholics.

I remember what my wife's sponsor said: "If what you hear at a meeting drives you out, alcohol will drive you back in." I believe that is true for both programs of AA and Al-Anon.  I am glad that I stayed and have continued.  It isn't a solution for everyone, but it was one that I could embrace and where I found peace of mind.

Sending good thoughts to you.

Happenings

I thought that I had better catch up here.  As usual, my excuse for not writing is that I have been incredibly busy and for the most part enjoying every day.  My birthday came and went.  It was a good day spent at a riding clinic, having lunch with horse friends and having a great dinner with my wife.  I had few expectations as birthdays go, but what resulted was delightful.

I spent three days on my sailboat during my birthday week, enjoying a few days of good weather in which the sun actually shone.  It was my escape to serenity-- a temple for me to rest, read, cook, and bask in the sun.  I came back feeling totally relaxed and rejuvenated.

On Sunday, I went for a 7.5 mi trail ride on my fancy dressage horse. He handled the woods, the scary farm machinery, the wide open dirt road--all of it, like he was born to trail ride. The ladies riding with me were impressed by his calmness and his being so level headed.  Every day I go to see him, he greets me with a soft nicker.  My wife is quite taken with him also.

On a more somber note, a young local high school student has died over an altercation with a fellow student about a Snap Chat message sent to his girlfriend.  The kid visiting his girlfriend told the other fellow to come over and he would kill him.  So the young man went over and was stabbed in a fight. Both are from affluent families, no drugs involved, and were not in trouble before. Now one is dead and the other is messed up for life.  I don't understand the anger that drives a 16 year old to kill a 17 year old over anything, much less a phone message.

I don't know about you, but we settled things in a civilized manner--no fights, no knives, no guns.  Parents have so much to worry about these days. Drugs and alcohol, and more guns and violence than ever before.  It is a tough world out there.  And I often wondered how I made it this far--maybe because when I was a kid, I feared my father's wrath more than anything else; and as a teenager, I decided that not much was worth dying over.  And that attitude carried into college, although I did some reckless things. And for some reason, I am still alive. I feel a great deal of sorrow for the parents who are suffering the horrible death of their child and for the parents who are dealing with the horror of what their son did.

My little home group has been struggling with low numbers of people attending. Several meetings in the area have closed.  I wonder if this is simply a reflection of the time of year or does it bode problems for an aging fellowship.

Certainly, the number of those with substance abuse problems has risen.  And that means that a lot of families and friends of alcoholics/addicts are suffering from the effects of the disease.  But are they trying to tough this out alone?  I hope that they are getting some kind of help to cope with the anxiety, anger and fear of living with an alcoholic/addict.  They certainly aren't pouring into the rooms of Al-Anon around here.  What really matters to me is that people get some kind of help because it is a very lonely thing to deal with alcoholism/addiction on your own.

I hope that all is going well with you.  I think of you and will catch up some this week.

Be the change you want to see in meetings and in life

Today is the first hint of fall that we have had here.  We awoke to a temperature of 67 F.  Now the windows are open and the whole house fan is circulating fresh air throughout.  The skies are blue and clear of clouds.  It is an invigorating morning.

Yesterday, I attended the district meeting and heard a lady talk about how she is being bullied in the rooms of Al-Anon by "big men and old ladies".  She went on a while with a rant about how she felt unsafe at some meetings. When asked by the chairperson what she wanted to be done, she replied, "I want to feel safe and to go to meetings where no bullying occurs."  I talked with her afterwards and invited her to come to the meetings that I attend, saying that I know they are healthy.  (Even though there are big men and old ladies at some of these). Sadly, I quickly found in my conversation with her that she is a bit unhinged.

People with outside issues (those who have problems other than alcoholism in a relative or friend) are in the rooms.  And some of them need more than the program has to offer.  I know that it's especially easy for me to look for fault in others and in meetings.  But I know that by working the steps and traditions, I have learned that not every meeting is healthy and that sometimes members have emotional and mental health issues that need attention by a professional.  I have been to a lot of meetings in the district and have had only a couple of experiences in which I thought the traditions were seriously being violated.

Everyone deserves to have meetings where they feel safe.  I advocate for being the change that I want to see at a meeting.  I don't hesitate to speak to someone after the meeting if I think that a meeting can be improved.  I do this in as respectful a way as possible.  I don't want to nitpick or be an Al-Anon policeman. However, I do believe that respect and compassion need to be extended to all who attend.  Talking over someone else,  bringing in non-conference approved literature (like the Bible or AA literature), talking about rehab centers, or giving advice (i.e. "You should do ______" or "You need to go to therapy", etc.) are not only confusing to newcomers but break the traditions of the program.

One of the fellows I sponsor is beginning to see that the rose colored glasses he was wearing are not working as well.  He has asked me about feeling anxious in some meetings and finding that some people are rubbing him the wrong way. I think that we all discover that people in recovery have plenty of "warts" and shortcomings.  When I find that a controlling person is irritating me, it's because I have the same shortcoming of controlling behavior.  The old adage "If you spot it, you've got it" applies over and over whether in recovery or not.

I'm going to head outside now, do a bit of work in the yard, and head to the hospital this afternoon to visit my first sponsor who is not doing well.  And then, I'll head to the boat to enjoy the rest of the afternoon doing some varnishing and reading the newspaper.  The day is too beautiful to spend being inside too long. Hoping your day is bright and shiny.

Another year is fast approaching. Go be that starving artist you’re afraid to be. Open up that journal and get poetic finally. Volunteer. Suck it up and travel. You were not born here to work and pay taxes. You were put here to be part of a vast organism to explore and create. Stop putting it off. The world has much more to offer than what’s on 15 televisions at TGI Fridays. Take pictures. Scare people. Shake up the scene. Be the change you want to see in the world. ~Jason Mraz

What makes a healthy Al-Anon meeting?

Fairly regularly in Al-Anon, we have what's called a group inventory.  We talk about how the group is doing and whether it is "healthy".  There is actually a check list that people in the group can look over and discuss in deciding how the group is doing.

I think that the regular meetings I attend are healthy.  We have a step meeting, a tradition meeting, a literature meeting, and an open discussion meeting each month.  Members follow the traditions which guide the group in their interaction with other groups and how members interact with each other.

That being said, each group is autonomous.  There isn't a one size fits all kind of format.  And I have been to some unhealthy meetings in the past.  So I can attest to the fact that not all Al-Anon meetings follow the three legacies of recovery, unity and service. Some are filled with discussions of problems (self-pity and hostile martyrdom) with no solutions offered. And some are filled with endless talk about the alcoholic and how he/she is to blame.

What makes a meeting healthy, in my opinion, is one in which the traditions are practiced.  Some of the most important words for me to remember from the traditions are unity, authority, anonymity, and outside issues.

Religion is an outside issue and seems to be one of the most misunderstood part of meetings.  I am not a religious person in the sense of being a part of any organized religion. Religion is not something that I want to hear at meetings. When people pass out poems of platitude and offer up biblical sayings, I want to roll my eyes.  Al-Anon is a spiritual program, however.  And the God of our understanding is mentioned, as is a Higher Power (HP).  Whatever a person believes to be more powerful than they are is their HP.

We have many "Gods of our understanding" in this world:  Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Protestant, Mormon,  etc.  People may have Nature as their Higher Power.  Perhaps the group or a sponsor is their HP.  Many are Christian in their beliefs.  I'm not offended by what others believe.  I just prefer not to have their beliefs discussed at meetings.

Al-Anon is about unity. And when religion is brought in, unity goes out the window.  Scripture quoting in meetings, especially when it is done in the fashion of  "It's in the Bible so it's the law of the land" is uncomfortable for me. I wonder "Who's land?" Not the land of a Muslim or Jew.  If I were a Muslim and quoted from the Qur'an, that would be my Bible.  If someone consistently quoted scripture from the Qur'an, Christians could be offended and given the times, such might seem blasphemous and create divisiveness.

So, I think unity and harmony comes when we don't bring up religion in meetings.  Some groups opt to say the Lord's Prayer, but others simply say the Al-Anon declaration. If a person is uncomfortable about the Lord's Prayer, then they can step back and not say it.  They can also call for a group conscience to ask that another closing be used. I am glad that everyone is included in Al-Anon regardless of their religion and that the "God of our understanding" can be as defined by each of us.

Dominance (authority) is another obstacle to success in having a healthy group. Dominance means that egos run the meetings.  There isn't much room for spirituality when ego has run amuck.  I have heard the saying that ego means "edging God out". I believe that it is important to check our egos at the door.  There is no place in Al-Anon for governing and telling others what to do.  If the Al-Anon "police" are at a meeting, then it may not be particularly healthy.

Anonymity is important and makes a meeting safe.  Talking about others or the reason they are attending meetings is not healthy.  Gossip is hurtful.  To me, meetings must be a safe place where we do not discuss members or others, and particularly not the alcoholic.  While it is important to take our own inventory, it is not part of our program to take the inventory of the alcoholic, and especially not air it out to others.

Not gossiping reminds me to keep the focus where it needs to be: on me.  I spent way too much of my life making alcoholics my Higher Power.  It did nothing but harm when I focused on what others did and then used that as ammunition to justify my feelings about what I was doing.

I realize now that by seeing what others do and inventorying how that affects me, I can use the information to make good decisions for myself.  I cannot fix the alcoholic's problems.  That is not my business.  But treating others in a dignified way is my business.  Gossip robs me and others of dignity.

A healthy meeting is where you can share with others and learn from their experiences. Yes, there are slogans and expressions that may seem corny at first.  I remember when I kept hearing "Let Go and Let God" at meetings, it made me want to leave/heave. I disliked that slogan so much.  Now I realize that letting go means to quit tugging so hard at someone and let their own HP, what ever it may be, guide them.  When I stopped resisting and started listening, I found out that "take what you like, and leave the rest" is taken very seriously in Al-Anon.

Another sign of a healthy meeting is when no one gives advice and tells you what to do.  This is a program in which we share our experience, strength, and hope.  It does not mean that I tell another person how to live their life.  In a healthy meeting, no one tells you whether to stay in a relationship with your alcoholic.  A meeting isn't group therapy where we "cross talk" or give advice.

In a healthy meeting, you may learn some tools that can help save some relationships, *if that's what you want to do* -- but some relationships are beyond saving.  Al-Anon encourages you to take some time before making any big life-changing decisions, but ultimately, you make the decision that's best for you, and sometimes that means leaving the alcoholic.  I made a decision to stay with the alcoholic in my life. And I'm glad that I did.

Al-Anon isn't the only way to recover from the effects of someone else's alcoholism.  What I find comforting is that it feels good to be among those who have the same problem and have been affected by alcoholism. We share similar patterns of behavior and emotions. And we share about our solutions.

This is a program that isn't a cure all. It works for me if I take it seriously. I look on this as a spiritual program that has enhanced my life. There are other ways to get help for co-dependent behavior with an alcoholic. I tried therapy and never understood why I was so angry and miserable. I resisted going to Al-Anon for years, but eventually found that it helped me to understand more about myself than therapy did.

I know that I deserve to have a healthy meeting. So when I find myself in a meeting where there is dominance, cross talk, or religion, I share my own experience, strength and hope that is based in the steps and traditions.
It is wonderful to know that there is somewhere that I can go to be with people who share a common interest in recovering from the effects of alcoholism.

Rainy Easter Weekend

I have been off the grid for about four days on the boat.  My wife and I decided that it was a good time to spend a few days away.  The weather wasn't good with small craft advisories.  We decided to go anyway and enjoyed relaxing anchored at one of our favorite secluded spots.  The magic of being on the water never ceases to amaze me.

I went to see my first sponsor on Thursday. He was doing well that day and was waiting for me to arrive.  We sat outside for about an hour before going into the elegant dining room for dinner. He seemed to enjoy the visit. I have to say that I am dreading the day when he is gone from my life.  I can accept that his decision is to not continue with chemotherapy.

I re-read some of Dr. Sherwin Nuland's book on How We Die.  I need to read the words: “The greatest dignity to be found in death is the dignity of the life that preceded it. This is a form of hope we call all achieve, and it is the most abiding of all. Hope resides in the meaning of what our lives have been.” And then this: “But the fact is, death is not a confrontation. It is simply an event in the sequence of nature's ongoing rhythms. Not death but disease is the real enemy, disease the malign force that requires confrontation. Death is the surcease that comes when the exhausting battle has been lost. Even the confrontation with disease should be approached with the realization that many of the sicknesses of our species are simply conveyances for the inexorable journey by which each of us is returned to the same state of physical, and perhaps spiritual, nonexistence from which we emerged at conception. Every triumph over some major pathology, no matter how ringing the victory, is only a reprieve from the inevitable end.” I needed the reminder that treating a metastasized disease like stage 4 lung cancer is not an option for some people whose quality of life isn't good on chemo.

I missed a week of meetings. I've noticed that some of the meetings which were filled up last year have fewer people in attendance.  Some meetings lose their flavor over time and attendance drops.  I received an email recently from a person who was concerned about one of her meetings dwindling in attendance. She wrote: "We are sometimes too small a group, and although we talked about this at a group conscience, the only change was that someone new agreed to do some service, but we just have so few people attending regularly. And I'm starting to feel overly responsible. I think the group is not being self-supporting, in a way. Those who do go regularly have told their own stories a lot, and it's starting to feel stale, to me. If you have any experiences with working through this in a group or suggestions about changing the format to make it work better for a small group, I'd really like to hear about them."

My home group is small, with about 6-8 people on average each week. We use a format of a step of the month study, a tradition of the month study, a literature topic, and an open discussion meeting each month.  It doesn't seem to get stale because we use a variety of conference approved literature.

In meetings that need rejuvenation, it's a good idea to have a group representative who attends the district meetings and can report on the health of the group.  If a meeting needs some help, other member groups in the district could attend and perhaps add an influx of new topics.  I am an advocate of being the change that you want to see in a meeting. Chairing meetings, bringing in guest speakers, and having the district representative attend are ways to add new life to meetings.

When I think about how many people are affected by someone else's drinking, it would seem that meetings would be overflowing.  That isn't often the case. For the past few days, I've been taking calls on the Al-Anon information service phone line.  A lot of people are calling in to find out about meetings and wanting to know how to get help for their loved ones.  The idea that Al-Anon is going to provide help in curing the alcoholic is a pretty common one. Explaining that Al-Anon is for those affected by another's drinking seems to be something that is hard for some to grasp.  But one of the great things about Al-Anon is that our changed attitudes towards the alcoholic can aid recovery.

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday.  We have been invited to brunch by a sailing friend. The rain continues to come down.  It has made the trees and bushes burst out in full leaf flush.  The catkins have been washed to the ground along with the oak pollen.  Spring has arrived here.

Birthday thoughts

Today is my birthday. And I am having a happy day. 

My sadness that I wrote about in the last post went away after a good night's sleep. I am glad not to be stuck in feeling sad for too long. I like to focus on the positive but everyone has "those" days.

Anyway, the above is what my lovely wife fixed for breakfast. A good healthy omelet to start this birthday. 

She gave me a huge birthday gift--landscaping of our backyard to include an outdoor fireplace and eating area. The photo shows the slate walkway being put in. In about another week, we will be enjoying our newly landscaped backyard.

I went to a good meeting this morning, saw some recovery friends including a new fellow I sponsor.  He is a sad mess as most of us are when we figure out we can't fix those we love. But he is learning to trust me which is good. Most of us don't know how to trust when we come into the rooms. Trust has been lost and promises broken. Hopefully, as we work together healing will occur.

Thank you for your comments, kicks in the ass to get over myself, and plain talk when I needed those very things. You guys rock. 

Back home again

I made it back home on Friday.  And I was happy to be back.  I seem to do okay for about four days away and then am ready to get back home. I seemed to run out of things that I wanted to do.  I saw everyone that I wanted to see, drove where I wanted to go, took a lot of photos and was done.

It was a happy time to see my wife and the animals.  Every time I come home, the dogs and cats seem to think that I've only been gone for a few hours. They thump tails and purr, but are relaxed about my return as if they knew that I would be back soon.  I imagine time doesn't have much of a concept for them as they live in the moment.

Sleeping next to C. on my first night back felt so comfortable.  I was tired but woke up several times to touch her and make sure that she was there.  And that makes me not want to leave again unless she comes with me.  We will have to find a house, dog and cat sitter so that we can go away together for a week.

Today, the house is opened up and the cool breeze is coming through the doors and windows.  It is beautiful weather.  I hope that we can slip away to go on the boat for a few days next week.  And I want C. to go with me.  She is still dealing with the estate of her parents.  It appears that a contract on the house will be forthcoming which is good.

I went to several meetings while I was away.  The meetings were good and fairly close to the type of groups that we have here.  On my last day, there were 3 meetings at the same location.  One of the ladies asked me how I sponsored people.  I replied by saying that I sponsor them much the same way I was sponsored, using literature from Al-Anon and other material that I have collected from other sources on the steps and traditions.  Sponsoring is really about being comfortable with a person, having trust and willingness.

It was interesting that this same lady recited the entire preamble and meeting format by heart, looking down and not taking a breath. It felt very automatic and as if this was an exercise of memory and not something shared from the heart.  I just thought this was odd.

But we surely process and participate in meetings in our own way.  It's good to have the experience of attending those "away" meetings and listening to what others have to share.  No matter where I go, it's still the basic story of how we are affected by another person's drinking: The same fear, frustrations, anxiety and sadness giving way to acceptance, sense of self, compassion, and happiness through recovery.

I'm surely glad to be back home.  There's more wood to split, garden planting to be done, and a beautiful day ahead.

Heading to the mountains

We are getting ready to head up to the mountains for a week.  The weather here has been rainy and humid.  The wind that has been blowing since mid-February has become calm which adds to the feeling that the dog days of summer are here.  The forecast for the mountains looks to be chilly at night with the highs for the day around 70.  I can tell you that will be a welcome respite from what we have been experiencing lately.

I am taking along photography gear, of course.  There will be new terrain to photograph and hopefully some waterfalls will provide interesting and beautiful photos.  Hiking, relaxing and visiting sites in the area are definitely something we want to do as well.

Although I live on the coast and consider myself a coastal person, I do like the old Smoky Mountains for their weather beaten beauty.  I haven't hiked in the Rockies so I know that I would like their spectacular majesty as well.  There is something about the Smokies though that brings back many good memories of childhood vacations--a chance to get away from the coast and get into some cool, crisp air.

And their geology is fascinating.  Here is a summary from the National Park Service:
Between about 310 and 245 million years ago, the eastern edge of the North American tectonic plate collided with the African tectonic plate becoming part of a "supercontinent" known as Pangaea. Continental collisions take place at a rate of a few inches per year over many millions of years and are the result of continuing global-scale plate tectonics. Evidence of earlier plate tectonic geologic events are found in rocks of the Great Smoky Mountains, attesting to an incredibly long and active geologic history in this area. During one of these earlier continental collisions, tremendous pressures and heat were generated, which changed or "metamorphosed" the Smokies sedimentary rocks. 

The last great episode of mountain building uplifted the entire Appalachian mountain chain from Newfound-land, Canada to Alabama. These mountains probably were much higher than today, with elevations similar to today's Rockies. As the African tectonic plate gradually pushed against the edge of the North American plate, the original horizontal layers of the rocks were bent or folded and broken by faults. Huge masses of older, deeply buried rocks were pushed northwestward, up and over younger rocks along a large, nearly flat-lying thrust fault, known as the Great Smoky Fault. 

Following this final episode of Appalachian mountain building, the supercontinent of Pangaea broke apart, and the North American and African tectonic plates gradually moved to their present position. The new rugged highlands, the ancient ancestors of the Smokies, were subjected to intense erosion from ice, wind, and water. As mountain valleys were carved, tremendous quantities of eroded sediment were transported toward the Atlantic Ocean and Gulf of Mexico by rivers and streams. 

As the mountains were worn down, the layers of rock most resistant to erosion were left to form the highest peaks in the Smokies........ Most of the beautiful waterfalls in the park were formed where downcutting streams encountered ledges of very resistant metasandstone that erodes more slowly than the adjacent slate or metasiltstone. Today, geologists estimate that the mountains are being eroded about two inches every thousand years.

Several of you asked about the movie that we saw.  It was Kon Tiki and was excellent.  I read the book many years ago and saw the old documentary film at some point when I was a child.  But this newly released movie is really worth seeing.  What an adventure to travel nearly 5000 miles on a raft! I could feel an urge to do something similar with my boat.  And there may be an opportunity for me to sail from the Dominican Republic back to SC later this fall on a friend's catamaran.  More will be revealed with that adventure.

Not much else is going on, except we are making plans to create an outdoor cooking and dining area in a wooded area near one of the outbuildings.  It will have a stone fireplace, with a wood fired oven, a fire pit, teak furniture, and containers of plants.  We are designing it now and that should provide some interesting DIY opportunities beginning in September, once we are finished with the staging of the parent's home for real estate listing.

So far, we have moved over 70 boxes from their house to a storage unit. Gradually, we will go through those boxes to decide what to sell and what to keep.  Much of what they had are antiques, including china, glassware and collectibles.  It has seemed like an overwhelming task in the beginning, but every day we are making good progress.  In about two weeks, we expect the house will be ready to list.

I have found great comfort in going to meetings and working with those I sponsor.  I have a list of meetings to attend next week.  I enjoy going to meetings out of town and find that most people are friendly and welcoming.  It's another way to practice the principles of the program in my life.

I had an opportunity to do that last week when I had a meetup with about 20 sailors at the marina, taking half the group out on my boat for a two hour sail. We also hosted a group of about 16 photographers from around the area at the house following a photo shoot in the historic village nearby.  Both events went well and gave me an opportunity to socialize with other people with whom I share a common interest. But now, it's nice to know that I don't have any further obligations for a long time.  I can retreat back to some relative solitude and look forward to enjoying time with just the two of us in the weathered mountains.

Stars in the sky

Finally, a streak of good weather for at least a few days. No rain--just cool nights and warm days.  I will be on the boat for the weekend which is good.  I am needing to get my share of boat days in, which have seemed amazingly short over the past few weeks.

We have been working in the yard and garden quite a bit. The strawberries are ripe, and they have been good with our breakfast in the morning. The blueberries are plentiful but not ready yet.  I ordered some blackberry plants that will be great for next year. It's time to pick them along the hedgerows now.

My cousin continues to languish in an intensive care unit.  Skeletal and with pneumonia now, I am hoping that his slow death will end soon.  I continue to marvel at what we do to keep those we love alive because not having them seems to be the most frightening thing of all. Perhaps, it's because we cut ourselves off from others, give up friends, and become obsessive about a person.  I see that tendency in myself so I recognize it and am all too familiar with seclusions seductiveness.

My father-in-law is much loved by a large African American nurse who cares for him.  She clucks over him, making sure that he is eating something soft, trying to get calorie enriched drinks into him.  He talks to her and tells her things about himself and his wife.  And yet, he still doesn't want to say but a few words to me or to my wife.  I know that it hurts C., but she is resigned to the fact that he was not much of a father to her ever.

Their history is one that had a lot of upheaval.  And she still has flashbacks of being a child in the midst of their arguments, powerless to do anything but hide, scream or cry for them to stop.  I don't know why he has chosen to shun her now.  But we both still go to see him, repeating the same visits over and over, hoping for different results.  The only thing that has changed is that we don't go as often, only a couple of times a week now. Insanity kept to a minimum level of damage.

My home group meeting has even had its share of upheaval lately.  One lady got her nose out of joint about how the meeting was conducted by a person chairing.  And evidently there is still some resentment hanging around, even after an amends.  I can sit still with the tension and share because this ultimately is not my problem to solve.  I simply get weary of the shortcomings that suck the joy out of something that is meant to be healing.

So I am happy with my plants, going to the gym, journaling, doing some photography, and sitting on the deck in the cool of the evening to watch the stars in the night sky.

“The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.” ― Carl Sagan

Where is spring?

Where is spring?  I see the leaves opening, the shades of green appearing in the woods and fields, the azaleas in bloom.  Yet, the winds are chilly, with temperatures more like February than late March.  We have stuck close to home, making soup, taking care of estate and tax things for Pop, going to the boat to make sure all is okay there.  We intersperse our time with trips to the store, to see Pop, and to meetings.

In the midst of a torrential rain and wind storm before dawn on Sunday morning, one of the giant water oaks gave out, its heart rotten, and its base no longer able to support the mighty limbs.  After the shock of seeing this beautiful tree down, we began the work of cutting it up to clear the drive way, making piles of brush and logs that will be split and stored for some future cold days.  And we make plans for what to plant to replace the loss, a live oak of some height, and an oak seedling that we have grown for two years.  Neither will mature in our life time, but perhaps one day, they will be admired in all their magnificence. 

I go to meetings, listening and sharing the message, yet I feel some kind of sea change within.  It's as if a spark has been buried under some kind of ash and dank wood.  I am hoping that spring and being on the boat and at the beach will rekindle the spark.  I find I have little patience with myself or others.  It still feels like winter within, and I wonder when the little shoots of joy will burst open again inside.

A fellow I sponsor has decided that he doesn't need to go to meetings because the alcoholic is no longer in his life.  I wish that it were so simple.  I would like to think that I would not resort to irritation, anger, resentment, expectations, and bitter disappointments if I were to walk away from meetings and the fellowship.  The truth is I know that I need to be going to more meetings right now.  I need to share, do more service work, stay in touch with friends, and sponsor those who do want what I have to offer.

I know that spring is here. I just have to see my way through until it flowers in my heart.

Sick and suffering

I finished up radar on Wednesday, taking exams in the afternoon. I was relieved to receive a great score, one that I feel I don't deserve.  I was in class with fellows who work full time in the maritime industry and who have spent years at sea.  I was called the "blow boat" captain in class, and also called Dr. Syd. And yes, the instructor was making fun of me.  It's okay though.  I used the tools of the program to not take it personally, focus on first things first, and get it done.

The lack of deserving comes from the familiar Impostor Syndrome in which I think that I don't deserve the success I've achieved.  I think that it comes from the effects of alcoholism, which tells me that my success has come from deceiving others into thinking I am more intelligent and competent than I really am. I fight those thoughts of being an impostor whenever something good happens that brings attention to me in a setting where achievements are noted.

Fast forward to the Al-Anon convention where I had a good few days of speakers and workshops.  I know that I was still stuck in "freak out" stress from the testing mode when I arrived.  I felt manic which is not common for me.  But I was glad to shake off the test stress and shift gears into a more calming place in my head and heart.

A lot of pain and healing was evident in the workshops.  People shared about feelings and healing after the loss of loved ones from drugs and alcohol.  Powerful stuff.  I enjoyed hearing the AA speaker who was engaging, funny and had a great message of recovery.  The Alateen speaker was really good, having so much enlightenment for a 17 year old.  What a great benefit that program is to young people.  I tell a 19 year old that I sponsor how fortunate it is that he is learning about himself at such a young age.

Today, I am processing news of a friend who has suffered a devastating loss from the disease.  I know the disease wants to kill those who embrace it.  If you will, please say a prayer for those who are sick and suffering.  I am hoping that they find their way.


You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.― Anne Lamott

The priceless gift of serenity

The weather turned chilly and windy a few days ago. It has been a roller coaster of warm balmy weather followed by seasonal temperatures.  I'm not complaining because both are good.  The chilly temperatures make it a little more difficult to do things on the boat, but when I come home to a warm house and a fire going in the gathering room, it's wonderful. 

Yesterday, we baked pies and pound cakes. The coconut pies and boxed pound cakes above are some of our gifts to friends.  The cookies were baked last night and will be part of the food at the open house we are having for recovery folks on Boxing Day.  So far there are 36 people coming.  It seems a little bit overwhelming at this point.  But I'm sure we will have enough food for them, and it will all be fine.  I like that with so many people around, they can entertain themselves.  

I went to my last meetings before Christmas.  I think that there will be a meeting on Christmas night.  I'm glad that the meetings continue regardless of the day.  Someone who needs a respite, peace, and a safe place to be will find that in a meeting.  There is a place for people to be on days when the world seems too much or the season just a bit too jolly.  That is such a good thing. 

I remember when my wife was first sober, we took a ham and cake over to a meeting on the other side of town.  So many people were there who had no family or other place they wanted to be. The AA club house was open all day with meetings going throughout the day and into Christmas night.  It was truly something that I will remember for many years and still brings tears to my eyes.  Both her sponsors who were there that day are dead.  Others that she truly liked have died or moved away. But I'm sure many will be there on Christmas day to be with their fellows and enjoy the priceless gift of serenity. 

Let's talk about anger

I spent a few beautiful days on the boat.  Fall mornings are cool with wonderfully warm afternoons.  It was a good time to walk, take photos, read and  relax.  

It looks as if the men's meeting is going to go forward.  We will get together every couple of weeks, read some recovery literature and talk about what we have read.  The next meeting is going to be on the boat.  After the meeting hour, we will have time to socialize and have a cup of coffee or tea and some snacks.  I think having this meeting is going to be fun.  The idea is to have a small group of fellows who can open up to each other, have a flexible meeting format (i.e. not worry about cross-talk), and forge some closer ties. 

Our first book is going to be on anger. That's something that I think each of us has experienced and will benefit from discussing.  I have evolved in recovery to the point that I don't lash out in anger.  I have learned about restraint of tongue (and pen).  Yet, there are still times that I can feel the angry retort on the tip of my tongue.  And those situations are usually when I perceive an injustice, lack of respect, or just plain selfishness in another.  

I have read that reactivity is a mindless, thoughtless reflex and involves the least evolved, most primitive parts of the human brain. Restraint on the other hand is equated with thoughtful, conscious self-control and indicates better ego functioning. All very true. But there are moments when the primitive parts of myself are fighting with the more civilized me. It would be so easy to let the beast within win.

I have not been a demonstrative rager.  I wasn't a dish thrower, a verbal abuser, or a trafficker in sarcasm. Instead, I tried to be reasonable and be the placater.  And when that didn't work,  I would opt to be the wounded victim, the self-righteous martyr. Rather than confront a situation directly, I would give the silent treatment to my wife. And all the while inside I was fuming, angry at her and at myself most of all. 

I don't do much self-righteous fuming now.  I speak up when something bothers me. I think about what is going on, what I feel, look at what my role is, and make a decision whether it is important enough to discuss.  Often times if I have a "cooling off" period and detach from the situation, I decide that the affront wasn't really about me.  

If I do decide to speak up about something, then the approach that I now use is to be direct and say what is bothering me: e.g. "I am uncomfortable about....". I like a reasonable dialogue rather than blowing someone away with anger. It is less messy and isn't tinged with regret later. Once out of my mouth,  I've found that the indignant rage will deflate me faster than a pin stuck in a balloon. I feel blown apart from my own anger. 

There are lots of triggers that can sabotage self-restraint when it comes to personal relationships.  I strive for balance and awareness. Hopefully, those are taking me on the higher road to kindness. 

Not moving much

I spent much of the day trying to get in a comfortable position that would alleviate the pain in my lower back.  Quite a few Advil were consumed.  I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll be able to work out and actually walk upright instead of slightly hunched over.  I am reminding myself that participating in ocean sailing for hours on end is tough on the body.

Last night, I went to home group and celebrated the first year anniversary of one of our members.  I hope that he keeps coming back.  I found a great deal of relief in knowing that there are others to talk with and who understand what it's like to live with an alcoholic spouse.  There were no people at my job or among acquaintances that I felt I could confide in.  Talking about your drunk wife is not lunch time seminar small talk.

Tonight, we had fresh vegetables from the garden.  This little cool spell is much appreciated because before long I will be irrigating everything so plants won't wilt in the heat.  To actually sit on the porch in the morning and have a cup of coffee is awesome in early May.  The same North wind that kicked my butt on the ocean is making the daytime temperatures tolerable.

We are going to see the Taj Mahal trio play Thursday at a local music venue.  I was able to get a couple of tickets before the place sold out.  I've seen him play before, and he is awesome. I'm a big blues fan. It's unpretentious music about real life, loss and hard times.  It feeds into something at a primal level.  Here's one that I hope he plays.



I'm going to see if lying flat on my back in bed relieves some tension in my lower back.  Sitting upright to type on the computer is painful.  Time to get horizontal.

“She's no lady. Her songs are all unbelievably unhappy or lewd. It's called Blues. She sings about sore feet, sexual relations, baked goods, killing your lover, being broke, men called Daddy, women who dress like men, working, praying for rain. Jail and trains. Whiskey and morphine. She tells stories between verses and everyone in the place shouts out how true it all is.” ~Ann-Marie MacDonald

Back home

I am back at home port. It was a wet ride back, with the worse part being the big seas once I got into the harbor. It feels good to be stopped once again, after the nine hour trip home.

The speakers yesterday were awesome. The morning Al-Anon speaker had a daughter affected by alcoholism. It was a moving story of how she learned to not enable and set clear boundaries with her daughter. It's clear that some Al-Anon's cannot stay away from alcoholics because this lady married four of them. The only non-alcoholic she married was too boring so she divorced him too!

Her daughter was the afternoon speaker. It was interesting to hear the mother/daughter story. Both are close and grateful for the recovery they found.

The evening speaker was Danny B. from Spring, TX. I imagine that Pam and Dave know of him. He had quite a story about being in mental institutions, prisons, gangs, and Mexican jails. He shared about turning himself in for robbing a bank as an amends. But he was set free because the police didn't believe the real criminal would turn himself in. I still can't figure out whether he really robbed the bank!

I don't think there was a dry eye in the room when he shared about making an amends to his father who was dying. I know that I was thinking about my own father and wishing that I had the opportunity to tell him how much I loved him before he died. It is one of my great regrets.

But all is okay right now. I had a great time, got to know a great bunch of alcoholics, made some new friends, and learned more lessons in my recovery.

Where are the men?

I had a question from someone a few weeks ago about why more men don't go to Al-Anon.  Generally, when I read that every alcoholic affects the lives of at least twenty people, then it would be reasonable to conclude: 1) that more people in general would benefit from Al-Anon and 2) not all the affected people out there are women.  In my meetings, there are a few other men who attend regularly.  Basically, though men are outnumbered by about ten to one.  I remember going to my first meeting, where there was not another man there.  I certainly did get attention which was a good reason to keep going back.  Most of us don't mind being outnumbered by women ten to one!

Seriously,  I do think that men's brains are wired differently.  Many men aren't really good at reaching out and asking for help.  I didn't know what to expect from the first meeting.  Yes, it felt uncomfortable but somehow it also felt good to be welcomed warmly and for people to take an interest in me.  The leader was quite the dominator of that meeting.  And perhaps at that first meeting, I needed a strong voice to tell me what to do.  I was at a point where I knew I had to do something, but none of the options seemed too good.

At that first meeting, I was given some phone numbers.  I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to call these women or not. It felt awkward.  I waited several days and did call each of them.  I was relieved to be taken directly to their voice mail, so I left a message telling them thanks for the welcome and that I would be back.

I kept going back to that meeting and others.  Eventually,  I found groups that offered friendship, understanding, and compassion.  I found people who didn't tell me what to do.  And I found a sponsor who was willing to work with me on the steps and traditions of the program.

There was something really powerful about being in a room full of people, no matter that most were women,  who understood what I was feeling because they had been there.  I knew that I wasn't alone and that I didn't have to deal with the crazy stuff in my head by myself.

There are times when I'm in meetings and a person will get going on a share that has so many details that my leg begins to shake with agitation.  Or there will be a lot of crying and anguish.  It doesn't matter whether these are men or women because I am learning to be patient, listen and have empathy for those who are having a tough time.

Sometimes the passing of Kleenex and the quilt raffles strike me as totally feminine.  And I don't want to leave out the hugging, the butterflies, and the literature that talks about "his" drinking---LOL.  But, what's wrong with a hug, butterflies are beautiful, and I know lots of "his's" who drink too.

At one of my meetings, there is a male college student who keeps coming back. He is a good fellow who has a sense of humor.  It's good to see that he isn't fazed by being in the midst of women, some of whom are old enough to be his great-grandmother.  He seems perfectly comfortable being there.

Sadly though, many people don't stay.  They will come for one or two meetings and leave.  I hope that they have found what they are looking for elsewhere because alcoholism is a problem that we can't fix, control or ignore.  Its affects fall on just as many men as women.  I know that I understand the tools of the program, but the affects go back so far in my life that left to my own devices, I could easily revert back to being the angry, self-pitying man I was before.

Now I can say that the women in the rooms have been awesome.  They have been yelled at, physically abused,  financially bereft, yet still manage to laugh and to give those hugs.  Their eyes have changed from being dull and full of tears to being bright and twinkling with humor.  I am grateful for their help and the hand of fellowship that was extended to me.  

What I Needed

We decided on the spur of the moment to drive to the AA conference in Hilton Head. I am so glad that we went. We heard some wonderful speakers yesterday. They provided humor and inspiration. I came away feeling that I had been exactly where I needed to be. After the last week, it was time to surround ourselves with those who could offer their solution to difficult situations.

As we were driving back last evening, we talked about our resolve to make sure both parents have what they need. Neither of us is happy that they may have to live separately for a while. But until we know that Mom won't be verbally abused, we are going to keep them apart, except for visiting.

I want this to be over. I want my wife to feel good again. I want the family unit to be together. But I realize that this isn't up to me. I cannot make things be okay. We simply will work through all this stuff as best we can. Things change so quickly. Others live with horrible situations every day. That doesn't comfort me. But I am grateful that we have a fellowship from which we do draw comfort. We are able to get what we need from the collective strength of so many.

Oysters, puppies, and a few other things

I went to an oyster roast yesterday.  It was another glorious day, with temperatures in the mid 60's.  I ate oysters, watched the dogs retrieve in the pond, caught up with some friends and had a nice afternoon.  It felt good to see an old neighbor who was actually the person to whom I made my first amends.  I am no longer worried about his opinion of me.  My side of the street is clean.

One of the highlights was seeing and holding some 8 week old puppies whose mother was the daughter of my old girl who recently died.  These were her grandbabies, and they were precious.  Nothing like nuzzling some babies that have that wonderful puppy breath. Their sturdy little bodies and thick coats were awesome.  It did my heart good to see these descendants that go back several generations from my line of English Labradors.  

I generally read blogs in the morning and evening.  I have found that my meditation time is not complete without opening blogs and checking in on what you are doing.  My blog roll has grown enormously since I started blogging several years ago.  I find that I get so much out of what is posted.  In many ways, what you write has been as much an integral part of my recovery as meetings have.

Many times I will read a blog entry that makes me think about what it was like when I first started going to meetings.  One of the bloggers was writing about her experience with going to an Al-Anon meeting and not feeling comfortable because the meeting was closed.  

Al-Anon meetings are closed because they are limited to members and prospective members who will feel free to share and listen to the experience, strength, and hope of one another on a confidential and anonymous basis. This means that therapists, health professionals and people who don't have a problem with alcoholism won't be attending just to observe.  Having a closed meeting keeps it safe for all who attend.

An Al-Anon meeting may choose to be "open" by the consent of its participants.  An "open" Al-Anon meeting allows attendance by people who are not families and friends of alcoholics but who are interested in learning about Al-Anon.  People who may come to open Al-Anon meetings occasionally include students and professionals who work with alcoholics and their families.  I've been in these open meetings in which students attend. And invariably, one of them will share that there is someone in the family who is affected by the disease.

Tradition 3 states that the only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.  That's pretty broad.  Most of us have relatives or friends who have a problem with alcoholism.  I know many people who come to Al-Anon who have relatives who are drug addicts. And that is largely because there are so few Nar-Anon meetings and Families Anonymous meetings around. But the focus is not on the alcoholic (or addict) but on the crazy behavior of those who live with them.  The anger, resentment, worry, enabling, sadness are common emotions that occur when someone you love is making a mess of their lives.

I do believe in singleness of purpose.  But I have not seen anyone turned away because their loved one was a drug addict rather than solely an alcoholic.  Now days, there are so many that have both problems.  Or perhaps one morphs into the other.  I was told to attend six meetings before making up my mind about whether Al-Anon was for me.  I picked my sponsor at my third meeting.  He showed me compassion and from that I learned to be compassionate.  I learned to shift my focus from talking about the destructive behavior of my loved one to the destructive behavior that I had.  And that is what meetings are about.  We come in hopeless and learn to have hope, learn to have a life that isn't filled with anxiety and obsessing about others, learn to live for ourselves again.  Powerful stuff.