A few things on Sunday

I am posting a few thoughts from today:

Been really torn up over our dog dying. Each one hurts, but two so close together was more difficult.

I thought that I saw our dog out of the corner of my eye on his dog bed. Felt a keening sadness and then he was gone. And I feel better. Who knows but perhaps that was his spirit moving on.

I am going on the boat next week. Three days of much needed nothingness except sea and sky and wind.  Heaven to me.

My horse received the silver medal at a show. He is really a star.  I am going to the barn to ride him shortly. Maybe a pasture canter today and no ring work. He deserves everything.

C. has been having stress related restless leg syndrome.  So to relieve this, she works in the garden all day, takes a warm whirlpool bath in the evening, and reads.  I am rest broken from it so when it is bad I sleep in a different room which I am not happy about.  I miss hugging her.

Two years ago I went to Mexico and still think about going back. I would like to camp in the desert.  Maybe soon....

The garden is amazing so far.  Dug potatoes last evening.  Been picking black berries and making healthy shakes from them and strawberries.  A cool spring has helped.

My new sponsee gets it.  I am grateful for that. So much easier to have someone who is willing.

Hope that you have a good Sunday.

Heading to the mountains

We are getting ready to head up to the mountains for a week.  The weather here has been rainy and humid.  The wind that has been blowing since mid-February has become calm which adds to the feeling that the dog days of summer are here.  The forecast for the mountains looks to be chilly at night with the highs for the day around 70.  I can tell you that will be a welcome respite from what we have been experiencing lately.

I am taking along photography gear, of course.  There will be new terrain to photograph and hopefully some waterfalls will provide interesting and beautiful photos.  Hiking, relaxing and visiting sites in the area are definitely something we want to do as well.

Although I live on the coast and consider myself a coastal person, I do like the old Smoky Mountains for their weather beaten beauty.  I haven't hiked in the Rockies so I know that I would like their spectacular majesty as well.  There is something about the Smokies though that brings back many good memories of childhood vacations--a chance to get away from the coast and get into some cool, crisp air.

And their geology is fascinating.  Here is a summary from the National Park Service:
Between about 310 and 245 million years ago, the eastern edge of the North American tectonic plate collided with the African tectonic plate becoming part of a "supercontinent" known as Pangaea. Continental collisions take place at a rate of a few inches per year over many millions of years and are the result of continuing global-scale plate tectonics. Evidence of earlier plate tectonic geologic events are found in rocks of the Great Smoky Mountains, attesting to an incredibly long and active geologic history in this area. During one of these earlier continental collisions, tremendous pressures and heat were generated, which changed or "metamorphosed" the Smokies sedimentary rocks. 

The last great episode of mountain building uplifted the entire Appalachian mountain chain from Newfound-land, Canada to Alabama. These mountains probably were much higher than today, with elevations similar to today's Rockies. As the African tectonic plate gradually pushed against the edge of the North American plate, the original horizontal layers of the rocks were bent or folded and broken by faults. Huge masses of older, deeply buried rocks were pushed northwestward, up and over younger rocks along a large, nearly flat-lying thrust fault, known as the Great Smoky Fault. 

Following this final episode of Appalachian mountain building, the supercontinent of Pangaea broke apart, and the North American and African tectonic plates gradually moved to their present position. The new rugged highlands, the ancient ancestors of the Smokies, were subjected to intense erosion from ice, wind, and water. As mountain valleys were carved, tremendous quantities of eroded sediment were transported toward the Atlantic Ocean and Gulf of Mexico by rivers and streams. 

As the mountains were worn down, the layers of rock most resistant to erosion were left to form the highest peaks in the Smokies........ Most of the beautiful waterfalls in the park were formed where downcutting streams encountered ledges of very resistant metasandstone that erodes more slowly than the adjacent slate or metasiltstone. Today, geologists estimate that the mountains are being eroded about two inches every thousand years.

Several of you asked about the movie that we saw.  It was Kon Tiki and was excellent.  I read the book many years ago and saw the old documentary film at some point when I was a child.  But this newly released movie is really worth seeing.  What an adventure to travel nearly 5000 miles on a raft! I could feel an urge to do something similar with my boat.  And there may be an opportunity for me to sail from the Dominican Republic back to SC later this fall on a friend's catamaran.  More will be revealed with that adventure.

Not much else is going on, except we are making plans to create an outdoor cooking and dining area in a wooded area near one of the outbuildings.  It will have a stone fireplace, with a wood fired oven, a fire pit, teak furniture, and containers of plants.  We are designing it now and that should provide some interesting DIY opportunities beginning in September, once we are finished with the staging of the parent's home for real estate listing.

So far, we have moved over 70 boxes from their house to a storage unit. Gradually, we will go through those boxes to decide what to sell and what to keep.  Much of what they had are antiques, including china, glassware and collectibles.  It has seemed like an overwhelming task in the beginning, but every day we are making good progress.  In about two weeks, we expect the house will be ready to list.

I have found great comfort in going to meetings and working with those I sponsor.  I have a list of meetings to attend next week.  I enjoy going to meetings out of town and find that most people are friendly and welcoming.  It's another way to practice the principles of the program in my life.

I had an opportunity to do that last week when I had a meetup with about 20 sailors at the marina, taking half the group out on my boat for a two hour sail. We also hosted a group of about 16 photographers from around the area at the house following a photo shoot in the historic village nearby.  Both events went well and gave me an opportunity to socialize with other people with whom I share a common interest. But now, it's nice to know that I don't have any further obligations for a long time.  I can retreat back to some relative solitude and look forward to enjoying time with just the two of us in the weathered mountains.

Yoga sailing retreat

So this is where I am-- on a 45 foot sailboat with a group of people who are at least 15 or more years younger than me detoxing with food and doing yoga meditation. Let me say that the food has been interesting with a kale, lettuce, cucumber, apple, lemon, and olive oil drink for breakfast. All the meals are geared to detox the body from the bad stuff that we eat. I have not had this experience before. Being on the water makes me voraciously hungry, but today I have to say that the juiced vegetables have been filling.

I am along as an apprentice captain with the idea that I would be one of the main captains for these retreats in the future. I am not sure if I fit. I am not sure that I can make the witty conversation. Hell, I don't want to do that. I am lying in my bunk writing this and enjoying the solitude from the others.

This afternoon was the first yoga session. It is Kundalini style and the instructor studied in India. It was interesting with chanting, centering, and a lot of pelvic a d breath moves. I haven't done any of this. Man, I feel like a fish out of water who is doing my best to swim.

Tomorrow, the day begins at 6:45 AM with another detoxifying elixer, followed by yoga. Right now, I would like to be on my own boat chilling out. Tomorrow is another day. We shall see how the day goes.

Vegetative state

I have been amazingly worthless this week.  I am wondering about my lack of energy.  I'm not depressed but wanting to cocoon, stay home, read and take naps.  So I have done just that.  I have not been to the boat, have not done much of anything outside, and have only driven off the property a couple of times.

I think that all is a bit "off" because my wife is spending the nights with her parents. When she gets home in the morning, we have coffee, read the paper,  and catch up on how things were the night before.  I really don't want to go anywhere once she is home, and that feels okay.

I have a tendency to be solitary so cocooning at home isn't that unusual.  When I was working, the days between Christmas and New Year's Day were when I rested and did as little as possible.  I knew that once the Christmas holiday was over, there would be few long stretches of time when I would be able to vegetate.  In the last few years, my cocooning has been on the boat.  I much prefer being out on the water and away from the marina, and right now that isn't possible.

In a few days, I will be taking a road trip to Florida.  The thought of the long drive isn't appealing.  Maybe I am preparing subconsciously for the drive and being away by resting and staying at home.  I will be there for a few days and then head back home.  I'm trying to psych myself up for the trip.  I'm not being very successful at that for the moment.

I did manage to go see the movie "War Horse".  It was a throwback to the type of feel good movies that Hollywood used to make.  I like a good horse or dog story.  And somehow I think that this was as much about how terrible war is as it was about fate and how it may work in our favor.

Today, I am going to debone the turkey and help C. make a turkey pot pie.  She scoffs at turkey leftovers, but I think that this might actually be a good tasty dish.  Okay, this paragon of domesticity is going to get to work.  And then it will be time for a nap.....

Wild and free

We are anchored behind Kiawah Island which is one of the high end resorts. At one time, Kiawah was unspoiled and held in ownership by a pirate and a couple of other families, including the Vanderhorst family, who held ownership of the island for 200 years. A lumberman purchased the entire island for $125,000 in 1951. Just 23 years later, his heirs sold the property to a real estate developer for $18.2 million. And in 1988, the island's assets sold for $105 million.

The development is not badly done, nor is the island over developed at 3,300 homes. But I much prefer the idea of having just a few homes.

If it had been my island, I would have kept it as pristine as possible. I can't imagine what it must have been like to live on Kiawah when it was wild, to walk the dirt roads, and sit on the beach with no one else around.

But out here on the water, i don't see any lights. Once again, we are listening to the breath of the dolphins blowing out. I can't see them in the dark but can hear them. I lit a citronella candle to discourage the mosquitoes. The breeze is up now which helps to keep them away.

Some friends are bringing their boat through the inlet which has treacherous shoals and breakers. I hope that they don't run aground. We will stay up a bit longer to watch for them, although I am tired after the full day on the water. It is a good Friday night here. Hope that it is where you are as well.

Nasty work

I have been working too hard these past few days. I pulled the boat out of the water, got the mast down, and trailered it home.

Once there the process began on scrapping the bottom after power washing it. What marine life wasn't removed had rotted. It has been hot, dirty and smelly work to scrape and remove barnacles and oysters.

I removed the 700 pound keel after using every brain cell to figure out how to jack up the boat high enough to let the keel all the way down. Somehow that got done without crushing me or the boat. Once the keel was removed, the worst of the marine growth up in the keel slot had to be removed with a flat bar.

Yesterday was comparatively easy because I painted the prepped bottom for 8 hours. Last night I was so stiff and tired that I wondered how I would make it to do another day of labor. But this morning found me feeling limber again.

I feel as if I have had little time to do anything other than hard labor. So at noon I met a sponsee for a cold soda and talked about the seventh step. I needed that meeting. Being on the island and not having C. there has been isolating. I don't think that I did this on purpose, but work became the focus instead of meetings.

A friend came stopped by the other day. He had been splitting up enough oak wood to fill his truck bed.  It was good to talk to him and simply have another soul who appreciated the labor that was done.  We both commiserated on our aches and pains.  He then left to go home to dinner with his wife.  I eventually went inside, fixed a hamburger, and then fell into bed.

The good news is that in another day or so and the boat will be ready.  And in another day or so C. will be coming home.  It has been two weeks since she left.  In those two weeks I haven't managed to mess up anything and have gotten a lot of things done.  Sometimes the nasty work has to be done.  It's not necessarily what I want to be doing but the sense of accomplishment is making me feel good.

I haven't had a lot of time to think about being lonely.  Only at night when the work is done for the day and I lie awake for a few minutes reviewing my day do I think about my solitude.  I know that it would be really easy for me to isolate and just keep working at task after task.  The persecution of self runs strong within me.   But for today, I'm glad to have gotten off the island, had some Al-Anon time, and am actually going out to a Mexican restaurant tonight.  Whooee! A big night on the town for this fellow.

Eating from the garden

The tomatoes have been ripening quickly with the rain over the past two days.  Some are starting to split from so much rain.  So I've been doing a lot of tomato eating.  Last night, I had a bowl full of cherry tomatoes sprinkled with Mrs. Dash seasoning, some pearl onions, and fresh parsley. 

I also fixed some stewed tomatoes for lunch today.  And tonight I fixed my favorite dish Insalata Caprese with fresh tomatoes and fresh cut basil from the garden.  Wow! It was fabulous.  I also sliced up some red potatoes and fried them so I had some french fries as well.  And for good measure, I fixed some baked beans. 

I haven't been particularly hungry since C. has been gone.  I've been eating a light brunch and then a regular dinner of veggies, some seafood, or soy burgers.  It really has been too hot to eat much, especially when I'm working outdoors as much as I have been. 

This afternoon I went to the nearby seafood dock to buy some shrimp.  I couldn't think of anything better to give to C.'s dad for Father's Day. There were several boats that had just come in so I was able to buy 15 pounds of medium size shrimp.  One of the workers told me that harvest wasn't particularly good.  However prices were up because of the lack of shrimp coming from the Gulf. 

It's a tough life being a commercial fisherman.  Shrimpers are dealing with increased fuel costs, competing with imported shrimp, and sporadic catches due to a severe winter.  It is pretty much a dying industry with fewer and fewer boats in the fishery.  I used to go cast netting to get my own but that season won't start until fall.  But there are some good spots around here where one can fill up a freezer from casting for shrimp. 

Today I'm glad to have fresh vegetables and fresh shrimp.  Tomorrow I'll go see C's dad.  Maybe I'll even rest some tomorrow since the boat trailer is now painted and ready to haul the sailboat out of the water on Monday. 

Scenes from the weekend

I thought that I'd start off this Monday with some photos from our voyage along the Intracoastal Waterway to Capers Island.

We had a nice easy trip. It takes about 3 hours to get there and we arrived about an hour after dark on Friday evening.

As we were transiting there were some interesting sites along the way. We passed under the Ben Sawyer Bridge which is an old swing bridge. And just beyond that is a place of intrigue, Goat Island, which is a tiny island located on the ICW behind the resort island Isle of Palms. There is an interesting story about Goat Island (The following is excerpted from an article by Maria Zone).

In the early ’30s, a man and his wife lived there without electricity or water. The man, Henry, was a local who decided to free himself from the stresses of modern society. The couple were repelled by development occurring so they retreated to seclusion on their own deserted island – an island whose only inhabitants were a herd of goats.

Even though the Goat Man and his wife only lived 200 yards from the shore of the Isle of Palms, they shunned the developers and life on the far side of the waterway. They learned to naturally accept what God provided them with, drinking rainwater and eating the native vegetation. The island provided them with shelter from the rain, shade in the summer and firewood to knock off the chilly winds of winter.

They lived au naturelle, collecting discarded debris that drifted onto the shores and into their lives as the tide changed. They were true purveyors of the floatsam and jetsam of society.

The Goat Man and his wife eventually accepted visitations from those curious people who transited the waterway in their yachts. They were gracious to those who offered sandwiches and leftovers from a day of picnicking on nearby Dewees Island.

During the Goat man’s 32 years of self-imposed exile, civilized people in nearby communities knew that the Goat People were out there, across the waterway. But people denied the possibility that their simple lifestyle was a choice and the couple was sane.

The legend continued over the years. Children were told that the island was haunted because of the voices and sounds that were heard across the water. Some children dared to cross the short distance from the Isle of Palms to Goat Island to see for themselves. They discovered that the alien sounds were the soulful singing of a content, solitary man.

In 1961, after 30 years of living in the natural elements, the Goat Man accepted a small hut as a Christmas gift from generous neighbors who were concerned that the couple was too old to live an unsheltered life. But soon after they moved in and took shelter from the same elements of nature that had provided for them in the past, tragedy struck. The Goat Man caught pneumonia and died. His wife, Blanche, was left to carry on the legend and tradition alone.

Blanche lived on without her husband in solitude on Goat Island for almost a year. But tragedy again struck. She died from burns received in a fire caused by the wood burning stove that was also a handout from her civilized neighbors. Their paradise was left deserted to be overrun by looters who destroyed the organization of uncivilized life, in search of hidden wealth and buried treasure.

The only investment that the Goat Man and his wife ever really treasured was their partnership with nature and the life it yielded them. Their paradise didn't include material things, prestige or social acceptance. There was nothing there that looters could steal either before or after they died. Instead, their wealth was their ability to live a quiet life in full harmony with their surroundings.

I think that I would like to live like the Goat Man at times. And for a few days I did. Here are a few more photos from the trip.

Photos from top:

Ben Sawyer Bridge on ICW

Goat Island on Waterway

Maritime Forest on Capers

Large alligator sunning

Bone yard on Capers

Bone yard at sunset

Solitude or isolation?

GG wrote a great post on her blog G-Log about solitude versus isolation. She writes:
"To me, there’s a fine line between Isolation and Solitude. The isolation-part was and is very painful, where I'm expected to feel shame, resentment, of no-value as a part that doesn’t fit, nor wants to..... The solitude-part has always been wonderful and constantly grows in value and importance. The isolation part has to do with abandonment, betrayal, rejection, much fear, verbal self-abuse, self-loathing and bitter resentment."

I never thought about it as she described: the difference between solitude and isolation. I remember liking solitude when I was a kid. I could play, read, paint, and do any number of things for hours without feeling sad or lonely. I believe the solace of solitude left me as I matured and became more aware.

Somewhere along the way I began to feel that I didn't want to be alone--that there had to be someone there to share things with. This is probably when the co-dependency took root. I crossed the line from being happy with who I was to being melancholic and not in sync with myself. I believe that is when I began to isolate.

I don't know what brought about the transition from being at home with solitude to isolating. I have heard many alcoholics speak about how different they always felt, like they never fit in. Well, this Al-Anon felt that way early on in life. I learned to mask it well. I could be happy go lucky on the outside but inwardly I felt insecure around others, ashamed for friends to come over on the weekends, and wanted to hide what went on between me and my alcoholic wife. I truly isolated during those times.

I also know that I felt unhappy many times after I first met C. I began to attach far too much significance to her and much less to myself. And ultimately when I forgot who I was, I began to feel despair, self-pity, and isolation.

This joyless isolation was the behavior that I adopted as a result of the affect that alcoholism had on me. My life was dominated by the alcoholic drama. I couldn't count on myself or anyone else. I lost the idea that I had anything to offer because I was so caught up in what others were doing. There was no energy left over for me after the emotional drain of trying to fix the alcoholic or clean up their mess.

I think that my feeling "apart from" was an adaptation that I developed to distance myself from the crazy alcoholic relationships in my life. It was easier to beat up on myself and to build walls than to deal with the pain of living with alcoholism. I think that this is how I shut myself off from the "sunlight of the spirit".

I am grateful that I've learned to not shut myself off from God and being with people. Today I do those things that I enjoy. I don't want to isolate anymore. Instead, I can appreciate once again the solitude in which I write, meditate, play, and have a free spirit as I once did. And I can appreciate my own uniqueness. I have found who I am.