Peace and love on a dreary day

It's another rainy day--one among many this month.  The ground and fields are so saturated that large chasms have been cut on the dirt lane from sheet flow of water that gushes over the cross drains and ditches.

All of the pastures have standing water.  It's colic season for horses because the temperatures are fluctuating between the low 40's to nearly 70 F tomorrow.  My horse's hoof abscess is long healed, and he is healthy and apparently happy. Sadly, his stablemate had to be put down due to severe cellulitis.  The loss of this beautiful animal has had all of us out of sorts, sad and concerned.  His owner has taken this very hard.  I doubt if she will get over this any time soon, if ever.  I am reminded that these large animals who have such power are really such fragile creatures.

When I ventured out in the yard this morning, I saw a few signs of Spring.  Some brave daffodils are blooming, as are the forsythia and camellias.

But most of the beautifully landscaped yard is brown and the plants look forlorn. I know that soon enough budding and regrowth will occur.  But today I am staying close to the fire and warmth of the house.  I had wanted to get to the garden to put in some more seeds.  With the rain pouring down, it seems unlikely that will happen today.

Tomorrow C. and I are going to a concert.  This is the first one in a long time.  I am sure that there will be a lot of middle aged folks like us there.  The band is Pink Floyd Experience.  We both wish that we had seen the original Floyd back in the day but since that didn't happen, we are going to see this tribute band that is supposed to be quite good.

I have some particularly interesting memories of rock concerts.  Some were fairly tame while others such as a particularly raucous one at American University in DC, were drug and drunk fests.  I was too young for Woodstock but this had to be a microcosm of what happened there.  Aside from smoking some weed on occasion, I wasn't into drugs or alcohol.  A young woman standing next to me, freaked out on acid, had to be carried out.

I wonder what happened to all those hippies.  Are they still going to rock concerts? Are they old addicts/alcoholics or working on Wall Street?  Do they still care about peace and love? A lot of idealism was part of our culture then.  I prefer that to the blatant hatred that seems to be the overriding sentiment among so many today.

Anyway,  time for me to get back to reading and maybe taking a nap.  I think watching the fire is going to be a good way to spend this dreary afternoon.

Sunday being

The much hyped cold front kind of fizzled out here.  There were a few drops of rain last night but not enough to amount to much.  The humidity is the killer here today--89%.  Working on the boat yesterday was doable because of the breeze.  Otherwise, it would have been miserable at the marina.

Fall is my favorite time in the Lowcountry.  It just takes its sweet time getting here.  And the secret is that when it does arrive, the tourists have mostly left, there aren't long lines at restaurants,  the beaches are not crowded, and my favorite anchorages are all but deserted.  

My days have been messed up because of going on a mid-week cruise on the boat.  For some reason, it felt like Friday was Monday.  I even drove to meet a fellow I sponsor on Friday and was surprised that he didn't show up.  That's because we meet on Monday!  Today, I've finally gotten back to real time and know that it's Sunday.

Some neighbors at the marina got married yesterday on the beach of the island that I go to almost every week.  Last night, we were supposed to go to the reception on their boat.  These folks are heavy drinkers.  We started walking over to their boat and heard all the celebratory commotion.  My wife put her arm on mine and said, "Do you really want to go over there?"  I told her that I didn't but would go if she wanted to.  We both decided that we weren't in the mood for the party.  Instead, we walked back to the boat and sat on the dock enjoying the breeze.  It seemed a much better way to spend our time together.

We don't have any special plans today.  Maybe we will start packing up the dishes in the kitchen because everything has to be removed before the new cabinets go in.  Maybe we will drive to the beach or boat.  Maybe we will take a nap.  Maybe we will......The possibilities are endless.  It's Sunday and a good day to just be.

Snow dreams

It poured rain today.  Sheets of wet came down as the rain bands from a big storm moved up the coast.  I went back and forth to the boat, with all foul weather gear on and stayed dry.  The sailing team at the college was having a race today so there were kids from various schools competing.  They were having a great time since the rain didn't matter much to those in the boats.

What was just liquid here became frozen further north.  I checked the radar and saw that my home town in Virginia is snowed in.  I felt a bit home sick, thinking back to waking up on those mornings when the world outside was white and so quiet.  I had an impulse to get in the car and drive north to that whiteness.  Instead,  I enjoyed the fantasy of a fire inside a warm house, knocking the chill off after having been out for a walk around the fields of the old home place.  One of those memories that comes back like it was yesterday.

It has been a mild winter in these parts.  And now the daffodils and hyacinths are starting to bloom.  The spring peepers will start their chorus as soon as there are enough warm days in a row to beckon them to come out of hibernation.  Their sound also brings up memories, but ones of a different sort.

For now, I am content with these last few days of winter.  Soon enough, we will be into March when the force of spring comes in.  These gray days of winter aren't depressing to me because they are infrequent in this part of the South.  They provide an opportunity for a lazy day of reading and napping.  Just for a few hours though,  it would be nice to have the raindrops that are hitting the roof turn into soft flakes of snow.  I can dream.

Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home. ~Edith Sitwell

Respite

It was a good day yesterday spent taking an old classic sailboat down the coast to a boat yard for surveying.  The potential buyer is coming in today.  Hopefully, the old boat will have a new owner and be restored back to her former glory.  She is a gem that was custom built in 1978 at the Cheoy Lee yard in Shanghai for a former Navy Captain and his wife.  She was sailed throughout the Pacific and then over to the East coast where she was owned by a gentleman who can no longer give her the TLC that she needs.  Yesterday, she moved like a dream, and we all enjoyed feeling the sturdiness of this boat as she was underway.

Last night, calls of confusion came in from my wife's mom.  She was saying that there had been a party and all her china was broken, she hadn't had anything to eat all day, and no one was home.  Jessica, the caregiver, called to tell us that Mom was having a bad day.  Some days she is perfectly lucid and others days she isn't.

An older friend told my wife that some caregivers abuse their patients, slamming them into wheelchairs and slapping them.  We know that Jessica and Brad are great people and treat Mom with love.  And we stop by often to see her.  I suppose that there are those who just reach the end of their rope with taking care of others, whether it's the elderly, the physically and mentally disabled,  or low bottom alcoholics.  We are supposed to have compassion, but the human psyche can only take so much stress.

Sadly, the number of people who have caregiver burnout is increasing as more caregivers take on the job without getting the help they need, or try to do more than they are able to--physically or financially.  Those who are burned out experience fatigue, stress, anxiety and depression which sometimes can result in wanting to hurt those for whom they are caring.

I think that living with active alcoholism has the effect of burnout.  All the positivity of a life can become filled with anger and frustration.  Feeling that there is no one to turn to, no one to share the secret with can create such isolation that life seems hardly worth living.  And the alcoholic is likely feeling the same way--isolated, ashamed, lonely, desperate, filled with loathing.  More than one person gets lost to the disease when there is no respite from it.

We all need breaks from whatever stressful activity we are doing.  I needed it when I was working so I would take vacation days.  We give the caregivers a break by either staying there ourselves or bringing in temporary help.  And I give myself a respite now and then for no particular reason by spending a shining day on the water on an old boat.  Just keeping things in balance. It really helps.

Christmas wish

Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childish days; that can recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth; that can transport the sailor and the traveller, thousands of miles away, back to his own fire-side and his quiet home!  ~Charles Dickens

May you find comfort, joy and peace today.

A new day

I feel much better today.  Yesterday was a lost cause.  I woke up with a pounding headache, eventually took some sinus medication, and then slept for four hours.  I canceled lunch and dinner with sponsees and did not make it to my meetings.

The headache went away but the medication made me feel as if I were having an out of body experience.  I suppose lots of people like that feeling, but I don't.  I want to be present and not feeling dopey.  I am grateful that I don't have a penchant for booze or drugs.

By all rights of genetic roulette, I have done well.  I am thankfully not alcoholic which could have been inherited from my father's side of the family.  His sister and her daughter died from alcoholism.  I remember vacations with that side of the family, and there was always a lot of drinking.  Happy hour started around noon and would continue into the night.  I can remember my father being in his cups and crying about some family drama that created a schism between him and another sister. Alcoholism caused a lot of drama that made me ill at ease from childhood on.

Thus far, I have also escaped the debilitating depression that my mother, her sister, and my grandfather had.  All of them had a terrible time with a depression so deep that it required hospitalizations and ECT.  I didn't have a clue about my mother until she had a major break.  And she struggled with depression for the rest of her life. Her sister basically isolated herself from middle age on.  My grandfather was a kind, quiet man who was wonderful to me. Yet all of them were overcome by the darkness of depression.  

I marvel that somehow I have thus far made it through life without these illnesses.  Every time I have a day like yesterday, I am reminded just how lucky I am.  And today is fresh and new.  I am looking forward to planting some seeds in the garden, working on the boat a bit, and rowing tonight.  I prefer to have a day with some purpose and intent.  Even if it means that I accomplish one small thing,  I find that rewarding.  Life is often about the little things. And that's okay with me.

a late Monday post

I had a great Monday because I took the day off. This morning I fixed breakfast of eggs, pancakes, bacon, and grits with fresh squeezed orange juice for my sweet heart. And it was delivered to her in bed.

We enjoyed talking, relaxing and reading the paper until around noon. What a lazy bunch couple we were today. After that we ran a few errands, went to the boat for a while to crawl in the V-berth and snuggle, and then went to a local restaurant for dinner. After that we went to the beach to watch the sunset.

It was too nice a day to think about anything complicated. Computers seemed to be far more technical than what we were feeling today. I really like these days when there is nothing that seems to interrupt the peacefulness and sheer joy of being together. Discovering each other all over again is a great thing.

The Fifth Tradition: Compassion

Each Al-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics.

I really like this tradition. It's about compassion, being non-judgmental, willing, and sharing. This tradition has to do with our primary purpose. With this tradition, meetings stay focused on the primary purpose of helping families and friends of alcoholics.

This tradition also tells me that I have a primary purpose in my life: to express love, loyalty, family and unity in all that I do and to share this knowledge freely with others. I have a healthy purpose of helping others today, rather than trying to enable or control someone like I did before Al-Anon.

I can remember my sponsor suggesting to me that I could encourage and understand the alcoholics in my life by allowing them the dignity to make their own decisions. Understanding is something that has come to me over time. For so much of my life, there was no one to understand how I felt living with alcoholism. Now I am around people who understand, and by sharing my experience, strength and hope with others I gain not only insight about myself but others as well. And by going to open AA meetings, listening to speaker tapes, studying the Big Book of AA, I've been able to understand more about alcoholism--the physical craving, mental obsession, and spiritual malady. Because this tradition is about love and compassion, I am reminded that I needed to learn to love myself before I could truly love others, including the alcoholics in my life.

This tradition also mentions practicing the 12 steps which are my tools to recovery. I've learned to identify my character defects and face my resentments, make amends and move on. Working the steps has brought spirituality into my life. And by coming to trust my Higher Power, I've acquired serenity.

And as part of my recovery and this tradition, I do my part to help families and friends of alcoholics. I've been told to never say NO to an Al-Anon request. I step up to do my part, trusting that God will give me what I need in order to accomplish the task.

The bonus is -- when I am helping others, I am also helping myself get healthier by focusing on someone else instead of feeling sorry for myself. By reaching out to help and comfort others, I gain tremendous rewards myself.

A great part of this tradition for me is to welcome newcomers. I remember those who shared their phone numbers with me when I came to my first meeting. I called every single one of those people to thank them. And to say that I would keep going to meetings. They and many others made me feel that I was where I belonged. So I make it a point to offer my phone number to newcomers and make them feel welcome. I can share with those who ask for my help.Those who do not can be assured of my willingness to share should they ever be ready.They need not be judged or found lacking.

This tradition can also be applied in my life outside of Al-Anon. It is reflected when I have patience and understanding with others. I've always had empathy for others, but now I see how each person, regardless of circumstance, has something to offer.

Aches and pains

Here are some random and not so random thoughts on this Monday:

My head is beating like a drum today from a sinus headache. I'm home and going to take some of the over the counter sinus medication to try to get over it. My neck also aches and my rotator cuff strain is acting up. I'm going to check blogs between naps.

I had a good weekend--cozy and relaxing. The moon was awesome. But I get bad dreams whenever there is a full moon, which convinces me of it's pull on the tide within us.

I've enjoyed the relatively warm weather but a deep freeze is coming by the end of the week. Just in time for my real birthday on Jan. 17. Supposedly it was a warm day when I was born.

I would like to be well enough to make a meeting tonight. I'll have to make that decision later. There's a meeting close by that might be easier to reach tonight than the longer drive to my home group.

No one is home right now so I get some time to listen to the house "talk" around me. I can hear the squirrels running across the roof. And the ticking of the big old clock in the gathering room sounds like a metronome.

There are clean flannel sheets on the bed that I'm going to burrow in for a few hours. There is something about soft sheets in winter and the expensive high thread count ones in summer that make sleep peaceful.

See you tomorrow.

Special places

When I was a kid, there were a couple of special places that I would go to that were my "secret" hideouts. One was in the woods, under some brambles and vines. I used my knife to make a kind of den there and would sit inside enveloped by honeysuckle, muscadine vines, and probably poison ivy. There were also rows of ancient daffodils in the forest because the area used to have many daffodil farms, with some of the hardy remnants still coming up in rows.

I'd pretend that I was an adventurer such as Lewis and Clarke on an expedition to explore the wilderness. Sometimes, I would sneak cigarettes out there and pretend that I was grown up by blowing smoke rings.

Another place that I would go was to a rise that overlooked a large hay field. There were some rolling hills and the hay would wave in the wind. It looked glorious when it was green and also when the hay turned golden. This place was one that took my fancy a bit later than the forest hideout. It was a place where I contemplated the mysteries of being a teenager. I could dream my teenage dreams there without being disturbed. And I could pour out tears of frustration and anger that seemed to be part of my existence at that time.

Like a lot of things, the special places that I went to changed with the times. The forest hideout became a four lane highway. And the hay field became a field of patio homes. Yet, I can still take refuge in my mind's eye by seeing those places the way that they used to be when I was a kid.

Light a candle

Candles are in every window here. I've heard that the lighted candle in the window was put there to welcome Mary and Joseph as they sought shelter in vain on that first Christmas Eve. So now we welcome travelers through this tradition of the candles in the window.

I think that this practice dates back to the 1800's in America. I remember going as a child to Williamsburg, Virginia to see candles in every window. I've read that the real candles were placed in a bowl of water at the base to try to avoid fire.

We like to light the real candles in the house on Christmas Eve. It is symbolic for us of the real meaning of this holiday.


The other candles that are in the window are the Julstake type from Sweden. I thought that seeing these in every window when I was in Sweden really was beautiful. My friends in Sweden told me that they leave the candles up during much of January to give light and an air of festivity during the darkest days of winter. I found these candles in a store in Gamla Stan and brought several home.

No matter what light that you have in your house, I hope that you carry the light of Christmas in your heart. Have a peaceful Christmas Eve.

Friday at last

I'm glad that it's Friday. I woke up with a sinus headache--jack hammers across the forehead. I'm hoping to make it through the day at work. But I'd like to go home and snuggle up by the fire under a warm quilt.

Even though the weather change wreaks havoc with my head, I like this cold weather. It's refreshing. It's brisk. It's supposed to be nearing 25 F tonight and this weekend is supposed to only have a high of 40. That means that it will be time for long-johns on the boat. And snuggling down under a couple of heavy sleeping bags.

It's hard to believe that it's nearing the end of November. I'm starting to feel some of the pressure of the holidays. We've started talking about the Thanksgiving menu. There'll be the usual suspects of turkey, oyster stew, corn bread stuffing, mashers, casseroles, and sweet potato pie. Lots of gut expansion foods.

My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. We're only having a few people here. I wish that there would be more, but people seem to have family to visit and places to go. My wife's elderly parents will be here. And I'll probably go visit some other friends who live nearby later in the day.

I think that having a big crowd for Thanksgiving is a great idea. It's what the holiday is about--sharing what you have with others. We have a nice Thanksgiving luncheon at work every year. There are generally about 50 of us attending that. And the food is outstanding!

But thinking about Christmas and all that entails is just making my head hurt more. I'm not at all ready to think about that yet. I'll take one holiday at a time.

The small things

Have you ever noticed how the small things make people happy? I think that sometimes it's just a smile or an expression that you care that can make a person's day.

Yesterday I took some time to go with a good friend to visit his aunt. She is 80 years old. She lives alone now, after the death of her husband three years ago. She seemed to be thrilled to have a visit from us. We drove her around the town for about 30 minutes because she doesn't drive anymore. She wanted to show her nephew some of the places from her past: where she grew up and where she and her husband first lived.

And today I checked in on my father-in-law. He hasn't been feeling well, so I stopped by before work, made him a poached egg on some toast, and chatted for a bit. He'll get some of the great chili that was simmering on the stove this morning, when my wife stops by later to see her dad.

It's not large gifts that make a difference to most people. It's these small things that indicate that you care. Just a smile, a phone call, a short visit--these are things that not only make the other person feel good but make me feel good too. When I tell myself that I'm too busy, I hope that I'll remember the appreciative smiles that I received from doing a few small things.

She made it

After a long day, my wife made it to Providence and this morning got a flight to Nantucket. The storm Kyle caused flights to the island to be canceled until this morning. She met up with a friend from graduate school in Providence, and they got a hotel room together. The two of them are spending the week enjoying the New England weather (foggy and light rain from what I understand).

I enjoyed the salad and pizza and started a new book Pack of Two by Caroline Knapp. I got this book because I really liked her book Drinking: A Love Story. I also like this book but having had quite a few dogs, it seems that she is looking to substitute the dog for not having many human relationships. It's as if the dog has become everything to her. I can understand some of this because I prefer my dogs to most people. However, I do think that it's important to understand dog behavior and allow dogs to be....dogs.

But I have to admit that watching my dogs play last night made me feel good. And their happy dog play took away any lonely feelings that I had. And settling down in bed with one of the dogs on her bed next to mine made me feel comfortable.

Today is a good day and tonight is my home group meeting. I'm looking forward to seeing my friends there. Wishing a good Monday to each of you.

A bit lonely

Take care of yourself my darling
And I'll take care of me
Live your loneliness knowing
That we can both be free.
--Mary Lee George

Today has been a bit lonely. I took my wife to the airport this morning. She has had the flight schedule from Hell with one flight cancelled, another delayed, and still another airport to get through. If the rest of the trip goes as anywhere near planned, she will get into Providence tonight around 8 PM. She was supposed to have arrived at 11:20 AM this morning.

After seeing her off, I came home and did some busy work around here. It hasn't been a bad day but one that reminds me how nice it is to have someone here in this big house. I know that I'm okay with feeling a bit lonely. It doesn't have anything to do with anyone else or my feeling unloved. It's as if I want to have someone to play with, yet there isn't anyone at the moment. Maybe it's just a break from my usual routine of being on the boat. There isn't much time to feel lonely out there.

Because I got up at 4 AM, I'm going to stay home today and not go to the boat. I'll do that tomorrow. In the mean time, I'm going to bake a pizza and make a salad. There's nothing like some comfort food. I'll wait for her call later this evening with the hope that she has arrived safely.

Best laid plans

I felt lousy yesterday with this cold. No motivation to do much of anything. I went out to run some errands but I think that the dinghy project is going to be on hold until I feel better. It's hard to think and measure with this cold.

And the weather hasn't been cooperative at all. The wind has been blowing at around 30 mph. There are whitecaps in the creek. It's wild weather for sure.

I'm not feeling any better today. In fact, the coughing is worse. I'm going to stay inside and run some chicken soup through my system. I think that the best thing for me to do is to not overdo. It looks like a good day to read the paper, maybe watch a movie if I can stay awake and get some more rest. I've got a busy work week coming up and no time to feel sick.

I'm grateful today for:

• Having sense enough to realize my limitations
• Having a warm fire in the bedroom that is cheerful
• The friends that I have who care whether I'm okay
• That my being ill is the result of a cold and not some other malady
• Knowing that this too will pass
  

I hope that you are having a good Sunday.

About art

I hung the painting by Reuben Becker last night. It's the one of the tree on the upper left in the photo above. Becker was one of the unique people who lived in solitude on Smith Island. He was married for a while, has a daughter and a son, came out "of the closet" , became known for his paintings about Smith Island and Chesapeake Bay, and died coming down the steps of his loft in his old house at Ewell.

His partner, Hoss Parker, brought some oysters over for me to roast and asked us to come over to his house to see Reuben's paintings. The studio has been preserved just as it was. Hoss has sold a few paintings in order to live. I bought two of them. One is a sketch of a lighthouse and the other is the tree scape above. Hoss makes all the frames from old pieces of lathing taken from falling down houses on the island. He sells them too cheaply and acknowledges that. But I guess that the economy there isn't good, especially since crabs and oysters have been declining for years.

Meeting Hoss, seeing the studio, and all the artwork in Reuben's house was really neat. I have quite a bit of art. It seems that art and books are those things that I look for when I go into someone's home. Something seems to be missing when there aren't either. I know not to judge but it seems as if a home without these items seems too bare and without much soul.

I want to get back into painting again when I retire. At the moment, I exercise my love of art through collecting and through photography. I drag my camera with me wherever I go. It may not capture all that my eye sees but it definitely provides a lot of enjoyment by helping me remember those special people and places that I encounter. I like what Tolle says about true artists. I don't know whether I am that or not but do know that when I'm painting or messing with photography, I am absorbed and content. Here's hoping that you have a weekend of inner stillness.

"All true artists, whether they know it or not, create from a place of no-mind, from inner stillness." Eckhart Tolle

Going rowing

Although I'm tired and been a bit groggy all day, I'm going rowing tonight. The weather here is just too beautiful to stay inside.

My wife had an endoscopy yesterday because of acid reflux. Her esophagus was inflamed and a biopsy done. We are hoping that all will be okay. Both of us are optimistic but will feel better once the pathology report comes back.

It's interesting how close I felt to her when she was in the recovery room. I just held her hand and hugged her. Seeing her be vulnerable made me a bit sad.

Hope that each of you is staying in Wednesday and it's a good one.

A sad occurrence

I learned tonight that one of my Al-Anon friends lost her granddaughter in the tragic fire in North Carolina. I was out on the boat most of yesterday and today so didn't know about the fire until this evening. Evidently, it was a between semester party for college students from University of South Carolina and Clemson. A fire broke out in the morning today and several occupants of the house died.

My Al-Anon friend has had a rough year because she lost her husband and now her granddaughter. I was talking with my sponsor about how lucky I feel to be alive after all the "near misses" that I've had in my life. Sometimes I wonder how I'm still around and a young person such as this college student has died. My sponsor expressed that he sees this as not something directed by God but as a terrible accident. Yet, he sees that God is there to scoop up the souls of those who have perished in order to take them to a better place. That is comforting to me.

I don't see my Higher Power as being vindictive or harsh. I see the God of my understanding weeping for the lost ones, those who have left too soon. And I see my HP comforting those of us who are left behind to grieve and try to make sense of the tragedies that happen.

Real friends

Since coming into Al-Anon I've made some new friends. These aren't necessarily people that I hang out with all the time, but they are people with whom I can converse without any judgement or criticism. If I'm having any troubles, I can call them and likewise, they can call me. As the saying goes, we have each other's backs.

It's ironic how I've always wanted friends, yet did everything that I possibly could to push people away from me, all the while justifying this by saying that it didn't really matter. In reality, it mattered a great deal because I really didn't want to be the loner. I wanted to be liked but didn't know how to just let it happen. I either tried too hard or didn't try hard enough.

These days I'm more comfortable just being myself. I no longer want to put up a mask to the world about who I am. I'm seeing that I'm willing to dig deep within myself to get rid of all the mess that has festered for so long. I do believe that there are some people who are not capable of doing this without a lot of help. They may have therapists galore but until they understand that they aren't alone with their problems, I doubt many will be willing to go to the lengths necessary to present more than a superficial face to the world.

So I'm seeing that there are lots of real friends out there. They are the ones who still are around during the good, bad and ugly times. We don't have to go through a lot of posturing about who we are. We all share the same common problems and emotional issues. In short, we care about each other at a level that goes beyond superficiality.