Are you happy living with alcoholism?

I have heard a lot of people complain about living with an alcoholic. New comers come into a meeting, and most of what is shared is how terrible their life is because they live with a drunk.  And they are right.  Living with a drunk is pretty terrible.  In fact, it is sometimes like being in a living Hell depending on how abusive the drunk is.

If those who come into a meeting are lucky enough to hear something that is akin to peace in the midst of turmoil, they might stick around for more than a few meetings. The problem all too often is that the ears are closed and the mouth is open.  Listening is not something most of us do when we find an ear of another who is living with an alcoholic.  We want to tell war stories, talk about how awful we have had it, and generally unload all of our anguish and anger on others. And when no one tells us how to fix the alcoholic, we leave to head back to the salt mines.

I know how hard it is to listen when a person is in so much emotional anguish. And blaming the alcoholic is really easy and convenient. After all, aren't they really the cause of our unhappiness?  Would not life be better if they did what we wanted? We who are long suffering would then be truly free and happy in our own skin, right?

I don't know about you, but I don't know that I really ever felt comfortable in my own skin.  I am much more used to who I am now.  I still struggle though with awareness and acceptance of myself.  And because I am in a program of recovery that teaches me to take my own inventory and clean up my side of the street, I have gotten better.  I no longer beat myself up for my short comings on a daily basis or get mired in the self pity that would last for weeks, months, years.

I read blogs in which people struggle deeply with the alcoholics/addicts in their life.  They believe that the alcoholic is to blame for their unhappiness. I thought the same thing, until one day I realized that I was actually at fault also.  I was expecting everyone else in my life to do as I wanted because I had the answers for them.  I believed that I knew what was best for my wife.  "If only, she would stop drinking. If only she would love me like I love her. If only.......". Ad nauseum.

It took me quite a while to realize that my ticket to happiness was not about her. I stubbornly refused to embrace the idea that I was contributing to unhappiness in my life.  I thought that I was blameless until I finally got to a place where I could not longer deny my culpability in our failing relationship.

I know that people have to reach a point where the tipping point occurs. It is that point where you finally are so broken, sad, demoralized, and unhappy that you realize you are the one that needs help.  And that's when the alcoholic ceases to be the center of your world.  That's when you finally surrender and start working on your own life.

Plenty of people, like me, go for decades refusing to admit that they are the ones needing help.  I wasn't ready to stop trying to control and change another.  No way was I going to stop beating my head against a wall, even though it hurt like Hell.  So if you are still out there trying to change the alcoholic and are focusing all of your energy on him/her, then keep on doing it.  Eventually, one day if you are lucky you will finally realize that it isn't going to work.  Until then, you can keep recanting the same old stuff over and over about how awful life is with an alcoholic.  And have the pity parties with other people who are in the same sinking boat.

Keep on with that and see how things end up for you after a few decades. One thing that I am glad for is that I did surrender, and I did finally get into a program of recovery.  And so did my wife.  That is the miracle of the whole thing.  And what has happened for us is an incredible change in how we treat each other.  It took us a while to understand that changes don't happen overnight. But with almost a decade in recovery, we know that each day is a gift.

I know that there are other ways to find peace and happiness in your life.  Use every tool at your disposal.  I didn't happen to find what worked until I got into the rooms of Al-Anon.  I do a lot of service work and am willing to help those who want to work the steps or share their solution.  But if you decide that you have a load of caveats to recovery, then I suggest that perhaps you aren't willing enough yet.  I am working on myself every day.  And I am willing to help you along this journey of self-discovery too. I have found happiness living with an alcoholic. And I believe that the happiness is a daily reprieve from the sadness and anxiety that we experienced before we began our journey of recovery.

Being an adult child of an alcoholic

I have met quite a few adult children of alcoholics.  Some of them also became alcoholics themselves. And many of them find themselves in Al-Anon trying to figure out why they have felt different, left out, and emotionally abandoned for most of their life. My own story illustrates the characteristics that so many children of alcoholics/addicts feel.

I don't know whether my father was an alcoholic, but I definitely was troubled by his drinking.  One of my earliest memories was of the sheriff bringing him to the house after he broke his shoulder in a single car accident. He was drunk. I was afraid and instantly knew that I did not like what was happening. The town doctor came to the house to set his shoulder, but it was never properly set and had an offset to it from then on.  My father suffered no other consequences--no arrest, no mention by my mother or any one else in the family that I can recall. All just went on as if nothing happened

But I believe that I was also offset from that accident too. Low self-esteem that channels itself into perfectionism, anxiety, and abandonment issues were what I experienced.  My mother did not acknowledge that my father drank. She chose to live in denial. The message that I got was "Everything is fine".  Except to me, it wasn't.

It took me a number of years to get the courage in 7th grade to ask my mother to tell my father to stop drinking. I was embarrassed, angry at him, fearful of him and totally conflicted by the fact that nothing in our house seemed to be okay, even though I was told that we were elite and better than others. I didn't feel elite or better at all.

In order to cope, I learned to play by myself.  I had a little farm set that had a barn, horses, cows, chickens, etc. And I would set that up and play for hours, pretending to live on that happy farm that I invented in my head. I also would visit other families occasionally and wonder if they were "normal".  If I thought something looked "normal", I would try to mimic it.  In so doing, I learned at an early age to invent the ideal family and the ideal self, but I kept running up against the reality of my unhappiness at home. The mask would crack when I realized that the fantasy I was creating of my home life didn't really exist. I kept trying to be perfect and began to blame myself harshly when I wasn't.

My father was a harsh critic of me.  Both parents expected a lot from me in terms of academic achievements. But my father would remind me of all the things that I didn't do right.  I began to think of myself as being better off not having been born. After all, I was born 16 years after my parents were married. I was a "surprise" because they had decided not to have children. And then, here I was--a big disappointment.

In spite of my self-criticism, I learned to be mischievous away from home. I had fun with my friends at school.  I had fun in the summer when my father was at work.  I dreaded the days when he was off work because I knew that he would be drinking. When he was home, I generally went right to my room where I listened to rock and roll on a tiny radio or read books. I remember being on edge when he was around. And when he was gone, I would cut loose with wild abandon.

I tend to be reckless to this day. At certain times in my life I was so responsible it was frightening. At other times I behaved so recklessly that it was amazing I survived.  Often, I was impulsive and didn't give much thought to consequences of my actions.  I try for balance in my life today--not being so rigid with responsibility and enjoying adventures that are not life threatening.

I don't think that I really understood what a healthy adult relationship was like. I didn't see my parents kiss--ever. I didn't see them hug each other.  I didn't hear them tell each other "I love you".  So what I applied in my relationships later in life was not healthy. I was attracted to women who were unpredictable, wild, and who drank alcoholically. I wanted to make someone who was erratic and rejecting fall in love with me.

So in order to get through life and relationships, I learned to be controlling.  I believed that if I were in charge, then somehow things would go my way. And the exact opposite happened.  The love that I wanted, the approval I longed for wasn't given because I was controlling and manipulative. I was often rejected and when I wasn't or when I was successful at something, I didn't believe I deserved it.

It was hard for me to believe that I deserved good things. And even today, I don't like to talk about my successes.  I prefer to hear other people talk about theirs. I feel comfortable isolating and work at putting myself out there to be a part of groups.  It is still hard for me to believe that I can be accepted and actually liked at times. I have gotten much better though at being comfortable around others.

An adult child of an alcoholic is loyal to a fault.  I have often thought that the devil you know is better than the one that you don't.  My mother stayed married to my father.  People in my family didn't get divorced, except for one female cousin who was married three times and was talked about because of it.  And so I learned not to walk away--from anything--when the going got tough.  But alcoholism also pushed me to the point that I was ready to leave my wife. It took me so many years and a lot of sad times to even get to that point though. I learned from my parents that I had a duty to stay with a person, no matter how I was treated.  I thought that it was better to stay with someone no matter what they did because my fear of being abandoned was so strong.

I have long thought that a lot of my behavior is like that of an alcoholic--the "isms" are present--but the drinking is not. Some of us who have been affected by drinking feel most alive when things are in crisis mode. Wanting things to be done right now, instead of deferring decisions is a definite character defect of mine.  I like instant results and have had to learn to disengage from that type of behavior over the years. Being a scientist helped me to temper the sense of immediate gratification. I could look toward the end result but had to make sure that all the steps were done along the way in order to get there.

So for those who have grown up with alcoholism or have children who are in the midst of active alcoholic/addictive behavior in the family, the effects of the disease are likely manifesting themselves right now.  The confusion, denial, and too often chaos of an alcoholic home lead to so many of the things I wrote about above. Don't kid yourself by saying "Everything is fine". The people affected are FINE--*ucked, insecure, neurotic and emotional. And that's not a good way to go through life.  Don't let the drama surrounding the alcoholic/addict be the most important thing in the family.  I hope that you will decide to get help--a 12 step program, therapy, or speaking to a trusted friend will help in letting go of the shame and burdens of alcoholism and addiction.

No experts here

It has been a relaxing day.  We stayed around the house, got a few things done, made some pesto from the basil we grew and took a nap.  It was actually too hot to go outside to do much.  August truly is rough down here.  The dog days of summer for sure.

Tonight I went to my home group meeting.  This little meeting is held out in the country and by water would be close to home.  But driving distance is about 25 miles.  It is a lovely drive though through country roads with trees forming a canopy overhead.

We talked about how none of us are experts in Al-Anon.  There are people in the program who might think that they are, but it is a level playing field where no one sets themselves up to have the answers or give advice to others.

I remember my first meeting where I was told to leave my wife and divorce her.  That sort of advice giving isn't supposed to happen but occasionally there will be a person who seems to have all the answers for every one else.  I am glad that I chose not to listen to the advice, went with my gut feeling to weather the storm, and listened to others who said that making radical changes when first getting into recovery was not a particularly good idea.

What is it about us that makes us want to tell others what to do and to set ourselves up as experts on everything?  Ego certainly comes into play.  And that fear driven need to get attention and to be the one that others go to because their own fear is telling them that they can't make any decisions on their own.  Alcoholism strips away self confidence.  It tells us that we are lost and need someone to tell us what to do.  And there are those who are more than willing to control and take charge. 

I am glad that I now realize that I don't need to listen to the advice of others.  I can listen to their experience, strength and hope which is their honest sharing about what worked for them.  I am not an expert on alcoholism, recovery, or relationships.  I listen to what others have to say, read a lot of recovery literature, and get a deeper understanding of myself through writing and working with others.  I learn from so many people.  And that fills me with a great sense of comfort.

Flowing

There is guidance for each of us and by lowly listening, we shall hear the right word. Certainly there is a right for you that needs no choice on your part. Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into your life. Then, without effort, you are impelled to truth and to perfect contentment. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yesterday was a rough day.  I went to the hospital to visit.  C. was tired and irritable.  There had been a number of visitors and she simply wanted to sleep.  I could feel a bit of rejection coming up as I wanted her to be happy to see me.  I knew that she was tired and that it isn't about me.

A few minutes ago, she called to tell me that she may be discharged.  Instead of being happy, I felt a sense of dread as I came to the realization that I did not want to be a caretaker for 24/7. I know how selfish that seems and unrealistic as well.  She is getting stronger every day, and the doctors want her to get up and walk.  Getting out of the hospital will be good for her.  I know these things, so why the feeling of dread?

At the meeting last night, we talked about letting go. In the midst of difficult times, it is important to recognize that trust and faith will carry me through.  I really have nothing to fear.  A disruption to the normal flow of our lives is not something that will be permanent.

Today I want to be like flowing water.  I want to go with the current and not fight it.  I want to flow around the disruptions and not let them impede me.  I see this process as acceptance, letting go of resistance, and shedding the illusion of control.  I need to get over my own fears of not being enough.  If I go with the flow, then I will be as close as possible to the channel in which my life flows.  All will be as it is intended.

Signs of spring

There are some signs of spring now.  I have heard the spring peepers for several nights in a row.  The daffodils are coming up, and there are buds on some of the trees.  The raccoons have been mating like banshees in one of the large trees near the wetland.  I suspect that I will see little ones in time.

This has been a chilly winter, but I can't complain because there hasn't been piles of snow or blizzards or even a significant ice storm.  Just windy and chilly.  I am hoping that we at least have turned the corner on winter.  My cold frames are filled with plants for spring.  I am looking forward to getting into the garden and tilling up the raised beds, turning over the soil. 

I am working on a couple of small grant proposals that deal with cleaning up waterways and recycling at marinas here.  I see how many aluminum cans and bottles are thrown away at the marina where my boat is.  Not a single recycling container in sight.  I have talked to management about it but get the same tired answer--too much trouble, too much money.  Anyway, it is worth a shot to write a grant to at least post signs that encourage people to remove their recycled materials and not throw them in with the other trash.

I went to my home group meeting last night.  It was a step study on coming to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.  What a revelation it was for me to realize that there was a power greater than me.  I thought that I had all the answers, could solve things through sheer will power and determination.  It was a great relief to not have to try to solve the problems of others or to try to turn them into who I wanted them to be.  I wonder sometimes why I didn't realize much earlier that by doing the same things over and over and expecting different results, I was getting no where.  I was simply digging myself deeper into anxiety and despair (=insanity).

Ego is such a driver in so many ways.  It plays tricks with me, making me think that all is well and that I am in control.  So many times that has been proven to not be the case.  Yet, today with the sun shining and the buds on the trees,  I feel ready to meet the challenges of the day.  I simply remind myself that I can only change the things that I can and accept that there is much beyond my control.

Stop looking out and start looking in

In the opening for Al-Anon meetings, there is a line that says, “In Al-Anon we learned to keep the focus on ourselves”. What a foreign concept that was to me when I first began.  I had my focus on everyone but myself.  My identity was tied up in work, my wife's drinking, my friends and their drama, and on and on.  I’ve been either angry, embarrassed, or obsessed with what they were doing. During those years, I paid less attention to good things about myself, instead I was very self-critical and not very forgiving of myself.

I thought that I had the answers to how everyone should behave in every situation and felt very self-righteous when they didn’t follow my rules of conduct.  Well, needless to say, this attitude met with a lot of resistance from others.  And then I would get angry because no one really appreciated what I was doing.

One of the promises of the program that has come true for me is that I have found acceptance.  I have learned to mind my own business and not that of others.  It is clear to me now that I don't have the answers for other people.  I cannot make the rules for the behavior of others or any facet of their life.  I no longer find myself getting caught up in what they should or should not do.  If I do start to follow that train of thought, then I am losing my humility.  I have also ceased to pay attention to myself.  Nine times out of ten, I am focusing on someone else to avoid looking at something in my own life. Generally, for me it is fear that is raising its head. I know that I generally relate to others better when I allow them to be exactly as they are and keep focusing on what I'm doing.

This program is teaching me is to stop looking out and start looking in.

Acceptance is the answer

Barbara had a comment on yesterday's post that I wanted to address.  She wrote:
"This party is a one time event...the LAST party you will every attend with these people. A party for YOU. She is saying she won't go because she's not comfortable around those people, but what about you? Doesn't it matter how you feel? Can't she consider giving up one night to discomfort to stand by her man at his retirement party?"

This was an excellent comment.  It made me realize how far I have come with my recovery.  I did feel some pangs of disappointment when C. didn't want to go, but I understood.  I accepted her answer.  And I felt no resentment.  I think about what the Big Book says about acceptance:
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

By accepting that I don't need to change another person, or brow beat them until they do what I want, I keep my serenity.  By admitting that I have no power over the decisions of another or situations that are baffling, then those things hold no power over me. Accepting the decisions of others doesn't mean that I have to agree, like it, or ignore it.  It simply means that I am powerless to make someone do what I want.  I just accept that.  It is reality and not fantasy. 

By accepting that I can make some decisions and take action about what I'm going to do, then I start living life in an active way.  This is such an important lesson for my recovery.  If I give in to wishing that things were different, or start asking the self-pitying "why me?", then I no longer have any serenity. 

Barbara was worried that I might be angry at her comment.  Contrary to being angry,  I feel much closer to Barbara because she was honest in what she asked.  She wrote from her heart.  That is another gift of this program. When I write or speak honestly without a mask, then I have stopped being a counterfeit person who tries to please others at my expense. 

I am making this a Good Friday here. 

Giving advice

I sometimes get phone calls from people in the program who are looking for advice. They need help with something that's going on in their lives.

This morning I got a call from a man who suspects his son is an alcoholic. He had heard from the hostess of a party that the son attended in July that he became drunk and belligerent, yelling insults to his girlfriend in the yard. The father wanted to know whether he should confront his son in order to impress upon him that people are talking about him with regard to a) drinking too much and b) his behavior when drinking.

My first thought was that I don't give advice. This program isn't about giving advice with a bunch of "you should" statements. I have become hyper-vigilant about "shoulding" on others and myself.

I know that I just need to share my E, S, and H. But I couldn't help asking a question: "What do you want to accomplish by telling your son that the hostess was worried (=annoyed) about his behavior?" He replied, "I want to let him know that people are talking about his drinking. This is a small town. Maybe he will be ashamed enough to stop."

Ahh...the shame tactic, I thought. I know that one well. I used to do my best to lay a heavy guilt trip on my wife, whose behavior during her heavy drinking days was sometimes socially askew to put it mildly.

So I shared my experience. My wife and I would go to a social event, she would over indulge. During the worst of times, she would black out, lash out, knock things over and so on. It wasn't a pretty scene. The next day I would be cold as ice in my martyr role. When she would say she was sorry, I would recite all the things that she did the night before. And proceed to tell her how embarrassing it was. And predictably, she would say that she wasn't going to do that ever again. I believed her for a long time. And I kept being hopeful that she would stop.

I told the father that my experience of shaming my wife did nothing to cure her alcoholism. It made her feel awful guilt and shame, but that guilt and shame only furthered what she already was feeling and drank to avoid.

In Al-Anon I've learned that I can't do anything to cure or fix others. I can establish boundaries and not accept unacceptable behavior in order to take care of myself. And I've learned that if something doesn't have my name on it, then I don't pick it up.

The father kept asking if I thought shaming the son would help. I kept saying "It never worked for me."

The program forces no one to do anything. It only reveals itself to us through the literature and through the people who are living it. Anyone who is suffering can decide whether they are willing to stop trying to fix, control, manipulate or shame others and instead do what it takes to get better themselves.

What a huge difference that has made in my life.

So glad that it's Friday

This has been a long week for me. I'm very glad that today is Friday. I had my biweekly manager's meeting today. Dealing with a parental director who is a control freak is taxing. I just keep my mouth shut and do the best to get through the meeting.

It seems that every moment of the week has been filled with activities. I've been to three meetings and had two other sponsee meetings. I've finished up some service work for the district and will be attending the district meeting tomorrow. Plus, I've done my work for which I'm gainfully employed. Add to that last night's work on the boat's electrical system, and I'm a tired puppy.

I have also stayed up way later than usual being glued to the news. It's like watching a train wreck. Finally, I get enough of the bickering to see that nothing is going to be resolved. I am stunned at the amount of misinformation being slung about and the malevolence that tops that off. It does not make for much serenity.

Last night, a suspect was arrested in the murder of a friend's sister that I wrote about last month. She was involved with drugs, got in with some bad people, and was shot. Now a 21 year old has been arrested. So the family will now have a long ordeal of the trial and all the stuff that goes along with that. I am afraid that my friend may be drinking too much. She is gaunt, hollow eyed with grief and anger. She is driven to see justice. I wonder at what price.

I am going to leave work a bit early today. Then I'm going to the boat, taking a nap and working on doing some varnishing (or vanishing--thanks Daave!). More electrical work is in store for tomorrow. Enjoy your Friday.

Surrender

"Do I realize surrender is not weakness, but strength that will reinforce my courage and confidence?" from Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, page 85

I think that there is a lot of confusion over the concept of surrender. I've not been a person who gave up on anything in life. I doggedly would pursue something that needed doing until I accomplished that goal. Then I would move onto the next project. I was simply not a person who gave up.

But alcoholism was not a project that I could fix. I did my best to pretty it up and make it look like something other than what it was. But eventually it wore me down. I spent so much time and energy thinking about ways to beat it and make some sense of it that I didn't enjoy much about life.

The alcoholic took up every thought. She was what I thought about from the moment that I awoke. I would go through the day with work and yet, there trying to push through everything, were thoughts about the alcoholic. I wanted to make sense of it all--the need to drink, the lack of communication, the hope that love would fix things. But in the end, alcoholism remained as baffling to me as it has for so many.

So ultimately, I came to understand that I was losing myself. I was going down with the ship. That's when I think that I truly understood surrender.

I have read that it's important to distinguish between submission and surrender. I think that I did a lot of submitting. I understood that I wasn't getting though, that my attempts to love my wife out of alcoholism were not going to work. But then another day would come and I would have that feeling that "Today might be the day". I still hadn't gotten to the point of accepting that I wasn't going to beat alcoholism. I was still struggling to win.

In my life and especially in my marriage, I had become as crazy as the alcoholic. I reacted with fear and controlling behaviors in my life and marriage. I was so full of fear and rage that I didn’t see what I was doing.

But when I ran out of options, when I finally had to admit that I was done with struggling, that's when I accepted the reality of alcoholism at a subconscious level. And that feeling of surrender didn't occur until I came to Al-Anon and listened to what so many of you told me: That I could have freedom from anger, fear, and conflict; that I could begin to feel joy and even serenity. I finally learned to accept reality.

The new reality that I learned in the program was that I had a job that I could do, and that was to work on myself. It was not my job to decide when my wife was ready to get sober or begin recovery. It was my job to find out who I was and to work on my recovery.

I don't know why surrender and acceptance are so difficult to comprehend. Maybe it's because I thought that to surrender meant to give in and that it meant I was weak. I've since learned through the program that acceptance means that there are people and things that I can't change. I simply don't have that kind of power to change another. And surrender now means that I am giving up my self-will and letting go of my attempts at control.

"Surrender to the moment. Ride it out and through, for all its worth. Throw yourself into it.

Stop resisting.

So much of our anguish is created when we are in resistance. So much relief, release, and change are possible when we accept, simply accept.

Acceptance turns us into the person we are and want to be. Acceptance empowers the events and circumstances to turn around for the better.

Acceptance does not mean we're giving our approval. It does not mean surrendering to the will and plans of another. It does not mean commitment. It is not forever. It is for the present moment. Acceptance does not make things harder; it makes things easier. Acceptance does not mean we accept abuse or mistreatment; it does not mean we forego boundaries, our hopes, dreams, desires, wants, or ourselves. It means we accept what is, so we know what to do to take care of ourselves and what boundaries we need to set. It means we accept what is and who we are at the moment, so we are free to change and grow.

Acceptance and surrender move us forward on this journey. Force does not work."

from the book The Language of Letting Go

Powerless

I heard just what I needed to hear at my home group meeting last night. My sponsor and I met before the regular meeting and talked about having Step One moments. And then the regular meeting was on Control. God planned the program.

I know rationally that alcoholism will rear its head at any time, even with those who are sober. It is frustrating that I can still let its effects hurt me. When I hear the criticism and blame directed at me, I realize that this is a means to avoid responsibility. It is a mechanism of denial for what the real problems are.

I am a good listener and am willing to inventory my part. But there comes a time when I consider feedback that is laced with anger and resentment to be worthless. If I let my guard down and let myself accept what is said as "truth", then I am lost in a mire of self-pity and my own resentment.

I know enough to not believe what I hear. And I know that I'm not powerful enough to cause someone else to drink or make a mess of their life. I don't want to be blamed for someone's behavior. I am not the reason a person drinks, and I'm not the reason that they don't drink. The state of happiness of another is not my job.

But I am to blame if I am miserable. I am to blame if I accept the anger of another and then own it. I am to blame for doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. That's the insanity of my disease.

So to be reminded of how powerless I am over others at the meeting last night helped me to get the focus back on myself. I thought that the following reading was particularly relevant:

"Many of us learn the value of self-expression in Al-Anon. We discover how we feel and benefit from giving voice to those feelings when it seems appropriate. But there's a difference between expressing ourselves and using words to control others.

Sometimes the only way I can determine whether I'm trying to control someone else or whether I'm simply expressing my feelings is by noticing how many times I say the same thing. If I mention something that is on my mind and then let it go no matter what response I get, I am speaking sincerely. If I repeatedly make similar suggestions or ask prodding questions again and again, I am probably trying to control. If I am satisfied only when the other person responds in a way I consider desirable -- agrees with what I've said or takes my advice -- then I know I've lost my focus." from Courage to Change.

Reflecting

It's a gray overcast Monday here. It has been sprinkling on and off this morning.

This is the kind of weather that makes me want to take a nap. And after the long weekend, that seems like a good idea.

Here are a few of the highlights and lowlights from the weekend.

The Highs:

• Seeing my first turtle crawl where a female loggerhead laid her eggs
• Seeing my first re-enactment of the assault on Battery Wagner on Morris Island
  
• Getting together with friends who brought their boat to the island to anchor
• Going to my first Aquapalooza which involved bringing in a barge and having live music playing for four hours.
  
• Seeing people pack up their trash when they left so that the beach was clean and litter free.
• The fantastic sunset on Saturday evening that made me aware of why I go to this sacred place.

The Lows:

• Seeing signs on the island that list violations such as all dogs must be on a leash. Enforcing the litter law was all that was needed.
  
• Wild weather on Friday evening that sent waves crashing over the bow of the boat....at anchor.
  
• Listening to a lot of blaming talk about control that I would rather not have heard.
  
• Not having the dog out on the boat
  
• Hoards of mosquitoes that invaded on Saturday night when the breeze died.
  

Today I'm thinking about the boundaries that I have got to put in place in my relationship. I'm sad that alcoholism still has a bad bite that can inflict emotional pain when I least expect it. I need my home group tonight and will be going before the meeting to talk to my sponsor. I talked to him for a while last evening about some conflict over the weekend. I'm glad that I know enough not to believe all that I hear when alcoholism speaks.

Overcast

I don't have much to write about today. I'm still tired. I feel as if I need to sleep for a full day. Every night I have the intention of getting to sleep by 10 PM but instead I get lost in reading or going through blogs. So I'll stay up until closer to midnight and then feel beat up in the morning. By Thursday, all of this seems to catch up with me, but the fatigue has come on earlier this week.

The litter on the island generated quite a bit of news locally. Most beaches in this area ban alcohol. I'm not sure how I feel about that as the island where I go is only accessible by boat and is a place where dogs can run and people have a good time.

One part of me thinks that banning alcohol there would be a good thing, while another part of me says that without enforcement, bans never work. And that if people want to drink, I can't stop that. I guess that I don't want to be the arbiter of anyones drinking conduct either.

It is a grey, humid day here. I like the greyness but dislike the humidity. At least there is a breeze blowing but during the summer, the breeze is like a hot breath. I will be out of the office tomorrow for field work that will last most of the day. But it will be welcome change, no matter what the weather. I am always grateful that I get paid to do the work that I do.

Tonight is a meeting which will be good. It will be another late night though, as the meeting doesn't get out until 9 PM. No matter. There will be time to rest up this weekend.

I'm hoping that your Tuesday is going well. It's a good day here in Paradise.

The standoff

I have noticed one of the peculiar things about being in recovery is that my control meter has moved into the "below detectable limits" zone. And sometimes this results in a standoff between me and the alcoholic around planning things.

It's not unlike the impasse featured in those old western movies, when two people have their guns trained on each other knowing that neither person can make a move without endangering their life. Our standoff isn't so drastic but sometimes it does feel like a challenge.

Here are some examples:

Say if we have talked about going out to dinner. I will ask, "Where would you like to go?" She will say, "Oh wherever you like." And that puts the control of things right in my lap where I don't really want it to be.

Or maybe we are discussing what to do for the weekend. I want to go out on the boat so I will ask if my wife wants to go along. Sometimes I'll get a definitive answer while other times I might get an answer such as, "Let's wait and see how I feel about it on Friday."

And when these non-answers occur I let them drop like an alien object that I'm curious about but don't want to touch. I may inspect it with my eyes and long to put my hands on it to turn it over and look for an opening, but I make myself leave it alone. It's like both of us are eying this thing that is there in front of us, and each is waiting for the other to pick it up.

So therein lies the standoff. I really want an answer and to firm up some plans, but I'm not going to go into controlling mode to choose the place that we go to eat or force an answer about weekend plans.

Frankly, I'm tired of being in charge. I get tired of suggesting things to do. So after a while, I quit suggesting. And yes, we still go out to dinner and on the boat. Because after a while, one of us will decide to make a move. My solution is to not force that move until the very last minute. And then I will say something like, "I would like to go to dinner at _____. Would you like to join me?" Or, "I'm going out on the boat this weekend and would like to have you come along." If I get a negative then I still go.

I think that this may be some kind of passive/aggressive stuff about control. I'm not sure, but I am much happier with the idea of not forcing my agenda on another. And apparently that makes her a lot happier as well.

Friday things

I got back home late last night. It was a long day with a lot of discussion on budgets (where to cut a couple of million $) and revising an action plan. So the work wasn't as exhilarating as the day before. I have much more of a "forest" view point than the leaf or twig view. Nonetheless, it was good to be part of this hardworking group.

Now it's Friday, and I'm catching up on a bunch of stuff here at the office. I appreciate all your comments over the past several days. You have provided a lot of heart felt responses. A piece of the equation that I left out, probably because it smacks of "whining" and has ego involved, is that my direct supervisor is a micro-manager who has a controlling and parental style of dealing with people. I don't care for that style, find it oppressive, and toxic to productivity.

I wrote a while ago about having read a book about jerks in the workplace. I've found that the author, Bob Sutton, has a blog that has some thought provoking stuff. And one of the articles on his blog has tips for victims of workplace assholes. I liked his biggest lesson:
"The best thing to do if you are stuck under thumb of an asshole (or a bunch of them) is to get out as fast as you can. You are at great risk of suffering personal damage and of turning into as asshole yourself. Acting like a jerk isn’t just something that a few twisted people are born with; it is a contagious disease." Nuff said.

Anyway, it is Friday and that means that, all being well, there's a weekend ahead. Tonight, I'm going to do some Spoleto Festival stuff around town: maybe listen to some live blues, catch a play, have a nice quiet dinner out. And tomorrow I'm planning to head to the boat and enjoy a weekend on the water.

I'm feeling contented and happy. There are always choices in this life. And that opens up so many possibilities. So rather than feeling imprisoned, I feel wide open.

Control

What happens when an alcoholic and a control freak meet?
They marry each other.

This old joke evokes some laughter, but there is a lot of truth in this. I have been a person who had the illusion of being in control for most of my life. I thought that my way of thinking was the right way. I thought that I had the answers if only those people in my life would listen. It was just an illusion and the unmanageability of my thinking.

I think that control can either be used like a sledgehammer to bludgeon another or it can be much more subtle and insidious. I don't use the sledgehammer approach much any more, but I know that I still use more subtle manipulations that I try to disguise as caring and love.

Control is a really selfish character defect. I'm not allowing the other person the dignity to make decisions. For me, controlling behavior stems from fears that I have. I want to manipulate people into situations that calm these fears. And my ego is fully in charge of me when I'm controlling which means that I'm Edging God Out.

When I make plans for others, I'm not living in the present. I'm projecting into the future. Life has a flow and pattern and will flow along for another without my interference. I am an obstruction in the stream, forcing the flow to go around me when I'm in the way. I need to get out of the way and stop interrupting and trying to change life for others.

In complete control, pretending control,
with dignified authority, we are charlatans.
Or maybe just a goat's-hair brush in a painter's hand.
We have no idea what we are.

Rumi

Tangled up and bearing a load

Thanks for your comments yesterday. It has been an interesting 24 hours. I've gone from feeling sad and reflective to having moments of pure joy.

Today I feel a bit used up. Like the photo shows, I am tangled up in my own thinking and bearing a load that I need help carrying.

Suffice to say that my own character defects have been pointed out to me and that I am smarting from being called controlling. Maybe that's what I am. I know that I have a real fear of rejection. So maybe underneath it all, I do want certain things to happen or have certain expectations, and have trust issues.

It just bugs me when my own defects are pointed out while the alcoholic does not acknowledge her own defects. I realize that as hard as I try, there are still some expectations that creep into this relationship.

That seems to be particularly true when things have been going so well for a while. I let my guard down and feel so much love. That's when it seems that I forget that placing so much love on another can be a burden for them. And maybe the love becomes a box.

I'm willing to concede that I make slips. That's why I need Al-Anon and continue to go to a lot of meetings. I am working on changing a behavior that has deep roots. But I also wonder at whether the controlling is all me. Sometimes it seems that there is also controlling that is done in a relationship through defensive behavior or through evasive actions.

I've read that couples can become locked in a power struggle that is reminiscent of a parent/child interaction. One person may be the child and the other the critical parent. If the childlike behavior occurs, then the other half will respond as the critical parent. And by acting like the parent, then the other half will act out more as the spoiled child. Once again, here is where it becomes important for each person to take responsibility for their sides in this. And to effect change by stop trying to change each other and change yourself.

These are some heavy musings for today. It just makes me realize how much further there is to go in working on myself. And in letting go of the other person.

Tradition Nine: Lighten up

Our groups, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

The principles for this tradition are equal opportunity and rotation in service. The traits that I think this tradition embody are equality and "lightening up".

To me this tradition says that I don't need to control the group or people in my life. I need not do it all or know it all. I don’t need to be nor am I expected to take myself too seriously. I am responsible for my own growth and needs, and others are responsible for theirs. We are all responsible to share responsibility of service.

This seems to be one of the more difficult traditions to talk about, but what usually comes up in our group discussions is that there is no hierarchy here - no leader, no boss, no working your way up the ladder, etc.

I had to work my way up the ladder as a new Ph.D. I had to "get known" in my field. And then eventually I was put on various boards and national committees. That's probably true for many people in my meetings who are active in the community and in their career. After all, we may be a bit crazy, but we know how to do our crazy stuff responsibly! But Alanon is different from community and career work, and there is a lot of value in that difference. We do not make message boards or committees to "govern" us. Instead, we look to each other for the work that is needed. And it's all voluntary.

Tradition 9 is not as difficult or complex as I thought it was. It simply means we are a "fellowship" of people with like goals and hopes that are helped by each other. No one is above another, we serve each other, and as we get more seasoned in recovery, we may feel like we want to be of even more service to others. We are a "trusted servant" for the group.

This tradition is also an exhortation to have fun, be playful, and to lighten up. I'm learning not to take myself too seriously. Our lives have been very difficult at times, and for most of us there haven't been many laughs. I've given myself permission to have a lot of laughs and to exercise my sense of humor.
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On another note:

I'll be hosting the chat on Sunday night, Feb. 15, over at the Second Road. The chat starts at 8 PM, and the topic is going to be how to get balance in your life. It's open to anyone who wants to show up. Let your fingers do the talking.

The Traditions will continue next Tuesday as Steve and I take a short break. Whew!

Zen like

One of the qualities that I have come to admire in this program is the ability to remain calm and serene even in the midst of turmoil. It's like a Zen like peace that emanates from a few people that I know. I'm still very much a work in progress, although my serenity meter has definitely moved to the higher end of the scale since joining the program.

Those times when I display anger, resentment, fear, anxiety, bitterness, self-pity and a host of other character defects still come up. Yet, most of the time I don't put that face forward to the world. I'm still a self-controlled person. It's hard to shake that part of me.

I'm not one for great public displays of my inner turmoil. I think that in meetings and talks with my Al-Anon friends I reveal most of myself--the real me, the raw me. And through that raw honesty and the acceptance I've received, I've found myself being calmer and more able to not be filled with anxiety in my daily life.

It reminds me of the slogan to "Fake it til you make it". But I feel less and less like I'm faking it now. The calmness that I feel is welling up from a resource within me. And I'm simply marveling at being able to remain calm and implacable in the affairs of life. Maybe this is what recovery feels like.

Sometimes when you least expect it...

Sometimes when you least expect it, you get a break. After all the frenzy of yesterday, I'm relieved that I have a safe place for my boat and that currently TS Hannah isn't forecast to be as bad as originally thought. Even on its course for NC, it doesn't appear to be more than a Category 1 storm. I'm hoping that's the case.

I had a feeling of disquietude much of yesterday. Perhaps it was having too much to do in too short a period of time, but I think that it also related to not wanting to make a lot of decisions. I simply didn't want to have my routine disrupted.

I’m not exactly a totally routine-driven person, but I have found that I like to set my own routine and not have it set by forces that are out of my....CONTROL. Yep, I think that the old control meter was probably out of whack yesterday. So maybe what has happened is that I've gotten settled into a routine in my head and program.

I've come a long way from the early painful struggles about detachment. I've enjoyed many of the benefits of recovery. I attend meetings and know the ideas of Al-Anon. And all this looks really good on the outside, but maybe my spirit has gone a little flat as of late. Maybe I've talked myself into thinking that I'm doing better than I actually am.

I've read that when the inside feeling does not match our outside appearance, we need to become vulnerable again. Every now and then, it's good to look at things with total humility and really remember that regardless of how well I can talk the talk or want to look and sound good, there are moments when I'm not being genuine with my feelings.

I think that I need to step back, think about all the good things in my life, be grateful for them, and acknowledge those things that are still painful. In short, I need to get back to being genuine with myself and my HP. I need to remember that this is a program of life and that I simply need to get in touch with my feelings and be open to all the possibilities without trying to control the outcome. It's like getting back to feeling the program from within and being honest with myself. I think that maybe if I let God do the worrying, I'll feel a lot better.

Spontaneity is the quality of being able to do something just because you feel like it at the moment, of trusting your instincts, of taking yourself by surprise and snatching from the clutches of your well-organized routine a bit of unscheduled pleasure.
--Richard Lannelli