July in the Lowcountry

It's a rainy day with thunder in the distance.  Everything is refreshed from the downpour of yesterday and today.  It's the kind of day to relax, read, write a little and take a nap.  I have to say that the rain is a relief from the 90 F days we have had over the past week.

I was out on the boat when Tropical Storm Arthur decided to become a hurricane. I had planned to come back in on Thursday afternoon but pulled up anchor on Wednesday and came back to the dock. It was a wise decision because the rain bands, winds and seas from the storm would have been unpleasant to ride out at anchor.

Then July 4 came on Friday. It was a bright sunny day that could have used a bit more wind. We sweltered at the marina where some friends gathered to watch the evening fireworks and have a pot luck dinner.  But the sea breeze came in later in the afternoon and cooled us down.

We had a nice evening. The fireworks were good. The conversation was thought-provoking. A British lady and a couple from France were there to give thoughts on the American Revolution.  We talked about how the French were our great allies in defeating the British. And we joked with our British friend about whipping up on Cornwallis, leading to the surrender at Yorktown. We talked about so many things until the wee hours of the morning--dangers of processed food, compromised auto-immune systems, medical care in the US compared to Britain and France, and how good it is to be able to have these discussions without rancor, without the animosity that seems to pervade the news and labels a person as being right wing or left wing.  I believe these were open-minded people, willing to listen and discuss.  Good times, good food, and intelligent conversations.

My wife has a head cold that she is nursing.  And I am nursing her as much as she will allow.  The coughing makes me concerned because a sponsee has pertussis, Whooping Cough, and has been very sick. Evidently, Whooping Cough has reached epidemic proportions on the West Coast where he recently visited. I am protective of C. and don't want her to do too much.  But it is hard for her to not do.  But I suspect today we will take a nap together and snuggle next to each other.  It is one of those days where not much can be done, except relax.

I talked with my first sponsor who has stage IV lung cancer.  He is moving in with his son and his family because he can not stay at the retirement home where he has been living.  He is accepting of what is to come. I have accepted it also. But I can imagine how hard it must be to give up personal freedom and know that a sick diseased body is what is left. I sincerely hope that his remaining life won't be difficult with prolonged suffering. He says that some nights are hard because he is afraid. I understand and ask myself if any person can be fully accepting of death.  Do we not still hold out hope that some miracle will happen to restore vitality to our body?  I don't know but hope that he is content surrounded by his children and grandchildren.

So I'll leave you with some photos from the past week. This is early July in the Lowcountry.

Thanksgiving gratitude

We were up early this morning to work on getting Thanksgiving dinner together.  The turkey is in the oven and the ham is ready to be baked in another hour.  We aren't serving the old Smithfield ham that my father would cook when I was a child. That ham was salty and had a strong flavor which was the way old time Virginians liked their ham.  And the leftover ham would be served with biscuits for many days after Thanksgiving was over. But we are fixing sage dressing, butternut squash soup, corn pudding, yams, garlic mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, apple and pumpkin pies.

I can't help but be nostalgic about the Thanksgiving days of long ago when my father would carve the turkey and the ham with the bone- handled knife that has been in the family for generations.  My mother would have a tray of spiced apples and peaches and sweet pickles.  There would be mince and sweet potato pies with real churned ice cream. After dinner, everyone would retire to the living room where a fire would be burning in the fireplace. Those are some good memories.

But we are making new memories today. We have a fire going and friends coming over in the afternoon for dinner.  It may not be the same without any family here, but there is a lineage of good feelings and gratitude on this day. I am grateful for the time I did spend with family on Thanksgiving day. Those memories are precious and worth holding onto. And they carry me into this day. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Sunday before a big week

We are coming up on one of my favorite holidays, Thanksgiving. It is a favorite because it is about gratitude.  Even though the Christmas decorations and music are filling stores, I ignore that as much as possible to focus on sitting down with friends to have a traditional Thanksgiving meal. This year we are having over a young man who I sponsor and his family.  The family speaks limited English, but I'm sure that we will share a universal language of gratitude.

Thanksgiving also marks the time when my wife and I celebrate our wedding anniversary.  We were married on November 26 at my parent's home.  It wasn't a fancy wedding, but the occasion was happy. And it remains as clear in my mind as the day that it happened.

I'm not sure what we are going to do for our anniversary.  In the past,  we have worked in the woods, making a burn pile and enjoying being together outdoors. Occasionally, we have gone fishing or out to dinner. Every year has marked the passage of time that we have worked and lived together.  There certainly have been moments when I wondered whether our marriage would last.  But something has told me over these years that this person is as solidly a part of me as breathing.  She is my best friend. Neither of us knew how to have a real relationship when we married. That part has come over the years. And we still work at it. But I know that we are in this for life.  I knew that several years before we were married.

We have put together some Thanksgiving food for Hospice patients.  I have been delivering the packages to 18 patients in part of the metro area.  I started two days ago and will finish most of the deliveries today.  I visit with some of the people if they are available.  This has been a rewarding experience because they are so appreciative of having gift and someone to visit.  One petite 90 year old lady invited me in her unlocked house to sit with her and talk. She was cheerful and looking forward to Thanksgiving.  She asked if I would come to visit her again because I was "good company".

The weather is cold and windy today with the first frost promised for tonight. We have moved all the perishable plants to the greenhouse. The dogs are quiet, resting on their warm beds. I am heading out the door to deliver gifts to the sick and will check up on the boat. All is good here at the moment.  Wishing you some good things today in your life.

Keeping expectations low during the holidays

At the meeting the other night, we talked about expectations that come as part of the holidays and the tools we can use to not set ourselves up for sadness and resentments.  We are going to do some decorating of the house but decided that this year we would keep it simple.  

No one is coming here for Christmas.  And,  just as for Thanksgiving, it will be our day to visit my in-laws.  We also decided to "adopt" an orphan for Christmas and fulfill the Christmas list of a 16 year old girl in one of the local orphanages. Both my wife and I have enough of everything so we aren't going to give anything to each other except small stocking stuffers.


It's easy to get lost in romanticizing the holidays. Just seeing all the activities in the newspaper and on TV makes everything seem enticing. It's easy to have all the visuals distort my thinking into having unrealistic expectations. I think that it's only natural to reminisce about what Christmas used to be like.  I have mostly good memories but for some of us, the memories are not so good. I do my best to stay in this day and not linger too long on the way things used to be.

The expectations of what Christmas should be, how it should feel, what you're going to give or get distorts everything and takes the pleasure out of it for me.  I like Christmas and appreciate the true spirit of it.  I don't like the commercial side at all. I do my best to be grateful for what I have and focus on those things that I truly need: love, food to eat, a house to live in.... and good books to read.

And the other part of the holiday is the number of opportunities to overdo on food and drink. We don't go to many parties anymore.   But when we do,  it's good to have have some cues to leave at a reasonable time. I call it my escape plan.  My wife doesn't want to go to parties where there is a lot of alcohol. Being around drinkers brings up feelings of unease for her.  I don't mind going without her, but I leave before the heavy partying starts.

We will be enjoying the new kitchen and doing some cooking.  Making cookies, cakes and pepper jelly as gifts for friends is what we are doing to enjoy the holidays.  

So I am keeping expectations low and going to enjoy all that we do have.  A good friend once told me to "lower expectations until you get what you want."  The lower my expectations are, the lower my disappointment level is going to be.  By having some kind of limit on what I'm doing,  I can face the holiday season without falling for the hype.

Doing the day

Hope that each of you had a day filled with good food and good people. I did the day and let the day do me.

It was all good here. The wind died down, the moon rose, the sun went down, and the stars were like diamonds. Warming our bones by the bonfire capped off this Thanksgiving 2012.

Enjoying the day

I left to go on the boat this morning. We had our home-cooked turkey dinner on Sunday. And on Thursday, I'll be fixing a turkey feast on the boat, even if on a smaller scale.

This is our first Thanksgiving without my wife's parents being here with us. Her dad is in the nursing home. He is frail and can no longer walk. Her mom is living in their home with the two caregivers. So C. is going to visit both of them on Thanksgiving day. I have one of the Labradors with me. She and I will enjoy some beach walks and snoozing on the boat.

Not much new has been going on. I have been to my usual meetings, took in an open AA meeting, worked with those I sponsor, and have signed up for a class in Radar which will give me an endorsement for that on my Captain's license. Towboat work is slow now so I decided another course would be good.

We celebrate our wedding anniversary on Monday November 26. We were married in our twenties. Some days it seems long ago and others not so long at all. I know that we love each other a lot.

I'll leave you with a few photos from the day. Have a great Thanksgiving if you celebrate it.

The Fourth

We had quite a feast and good time at the marina picnic yesterday.  It felt good to chill out, talk to friends, watch fireworks and sleep on the boat at the end of the evening.  

The marina was packed with people who come down to watch the fireworks from probably the best location in the city.  In years past, the fireworks were shot off the deck of the aircraft carrier Yorktown.  This year, they were shot from a barge in the Harbor near the Yorktown and the marina.  So we really had a great view since our boat is docked next to the Yorktown breakwater.  

I do feel like a kid again watching those fireworks.  The kaleidoscope of lights and the sound of the rockets make for a happy time.  We left our dog at home since it was really hot in the afternoon, and we thought that all the people and fireworks might further add to her discomfort.  

As I watched the events and participated in the liveliness of the evening, I couldn't help but think about my friend, M., who is dying in a hospital in Boston.  He and I would room together at just about every national meeting we attended.  He was diagnosed with cancer around 12 years ago and managed to be in partial remission until last year.  A tumor was removed from his brain then.  Last week, he, his wife and children were at the family cabin in Maine when he began to bleed internally.  He was rushed to the hospital but remains in a coma.  I called him and left a message on his cell phone, telling him that I was thinking of him and thinking of the good times that we had over the years.  I don't know if he will hear what I said.  What do you say to someone who is dying?  I like what Randy Pausch, a terminally ill professor at Carnegie Mellon, said in a lecture: 

What is the most appropriate thing to say to a friend who was about to die. He answered: ”tell your friend that in his death, a part of you dies and goes with him. Whenever he goes, you also go. He will not be alone."  (The Last Lecture)

A couple of years ago, M. told me that his great hope was to see his children grow up.  I talked with a mutual friend who said that he knew the cancer was back and that the outcome wasn't going to be good.  So over the past month or so, M. had been preparing his children for his death.  I used to kid him about working so hard into the night when he was at meetings.  He would stay up reviewing manuscripts and tended to take on a lot of extra work.  But he lived for his family and his work.  He was content with who he was and was engaged in every aspect of those things that mattered in life.  I know that he has prepared them by giving unconditional love. 

I hope that he will go out peacefully, knowing that there are many who will miss him and remember him as a kind and gentle human being. 

Rainy day thoughts on adapting

I awoke to rain this morning.  It was nice to have warm temperatures and rain pouring down.  The dogs went for a good run but came into their dog room muddy and shaking the water off their coats.  No worries on that as the room is dog proof, having had many foot prints on the tile floor and much wet shaking over the years.  Their thick double coats are made to shed water which is an amazing adaptation for the work that a retriever does.

I stayed up way too late last night reading.  When my wife is not home, I tend to be the consummate night owl.  I can read as late as I want.  Even though she doesn't complain, I have a feeling that I need to shut the book, turn off the light and hug her.  Since I retired, I have allowed myself to succumb to my natural photoperiod of staying up late and sleeping in until around 7:30 in the morning.  So last night, I read until 2 AM.  When she got home at 7 AM, I got up, had coffee, and we talked.  But we both got a nap later! I am adapting to the natural rhythm of my body after so many years of altering it to suit a schedule.

We talked about how focused old people are on bowel movements.  I remember that my mother became obsessed with it.  Now,  C's mother has become obsessed with it.  I hope that my final years aren't spent worrying about crap like that.  In fact, it is one of the least important things on my mind.  The body does what it will do.  If enough goes in, then something will eventually come out.  I may have to adapt to eating different foods as I get older, but I hope to not obsess about health issues.

Looks like the BBQ was worth the drive!

My home group meeting was cancelled last night due to lack of attendance. A fellow blogger's husband was going to come to the meeting and made the drive up from Hilton Head.  Fortunately, he found a good BBQ place and enjoyed seeing the old church where the meeting is held and the little town.  Hopefully, we will get to catch up at a meeting when he comes back in a few months.  He sent me photos of the "cue", and it looked great.  An adaptation to a change in plans resulted in something good.

I have caught up on quite a few blog posts.  Some people had a good holiday with family, while others were struggling with the drama of alcohol and drug addiction and making the most of Christmas without their loved ones.  All the expectations of Christmas seem to come pouring out no matter how hard I try. This year I managed to hold those expectations in check.  And it turned out to be okay.  I am adapting to the idea that aspects of what used to be are no longer.  But I like to think that every day makes a new start to something that might be better than what was.

Christmas Eve

I wanted to share some happy moments from this Christmas Eve.  Wishing you much love and joy with your family.  No matter what the expectations are, the day is about love and caring, just as I would like every day to be.  Let's make it so.

Waiting for the parents to arrive. 

The tree and a few presents for each of us. 

C.'s mom looking cheerful.  She seemed to enjoy it all! 

Pop opening his gifts. 

The dining room ready for lunch.  

Brad and Jessica sharing a kiss under the mistletoe.  They are such a great couple! They have a wonderful sense of humor and take such good care of C.'s parents. 

Brad modeling a nightshirt that Mom got as a gift.  

Jessica modeling some new workout clothes that we gave Pop.  

We were so glad that the parents and Brad and Jess made it over.  It was the only present that we wanted.

From us to you--wishing you peace and love this Christmas and may every day be filled with those most important of gifts.

The parade

Yesterday, we had a fun time at one of the local Christmas parades.  First, we went to a restaurant along the parade route and had buckets of oysters. It was an "all you can eat" special.  They definitely didn't make any money off us because we had nine buckets among three of us.

We didn't eat this many buckets of oysters but gave it a good go.

There were a lot of people sitting and standing along the parade route.  It was windy and chilly which didn't bother most people, especially the kids.  They were interested in light sabers and other stuff for sale.

The kids were bartering to buy some light sabers.

Here are a few photos of the activity.

The fireworks were good and close by!

Every parade needs a phallic float.

The horses were a big favorite.

Elvis was there and singing Blue Christmas.

Santa made an appearance. 

Probably the funniest gaffe was this float which was from a nearby hospital. It was supposed to indicate the services of the hospital but....well....you can see that the message got a bit messed up. I think that OR was to mean operating room.

Express--Babies or Rehab?? Hmmm.......

Anyway, we had a fun time.  After it was all over, we went to get some hot chocolate and then hurried home so that the oysters could take effect.  Nope--just kidding...sort of.

Happy Monday!

A parable

There is a field filled with thousands of rocks.  I am told that there is a diamond under a rock so I go out and start turning over the rocks.  I turn over 10,000 stones and may not find the diamond.  If by some stroke of probability, I find the diamond, I may wonder if it was worth the effort.

That is sometimes what it used to feel like being me a few years ago.  I would have many things going on.  Rushing about trying to leave no stone unturned in an effort to get so much done.  It seemed especially true during the holidays.  More things to do, hoping to find a brilliant spot in a day of doing and existing.

This year, I'm not rushing about.  I am going to meetings, going to a few fun events with my wife, but taking care of myself by not overdoing.  We have hosted a recovery luncheon on Christmas day for the last two years. This year, we are going to forego that.  We are tired, don't want to cook for 30 people, and would rather just do something together on Christmas day.  We will go to the parents' house, visit some friends later, and spend the day quietly.

This Christmas,  I don't feel the need to fill up the house with people.  My sponsor says that I am taking care of myself by going with my true feelings.  The true feelings are that a quiet simple time seems like gracious plenty.

Getting in the spirit

The rowing team had great fun last night being in the parade of boats.  We aren't "official" registrants, but enjoy the cheers that we get as we row past the spectators with lights on the oars and along the gunnels.  We had two full gigs full of crew and each boat towed a dinghy with a lit Christmas tree.

The rowing gig is almost ready for the parade

In the parade, rowing and towing the dinghy with tree. Green and red lights were on the oars. 

We had a great view of the boats as they passed by

All the boats and the Christmas carols are getting me in the spirit.  We have decided this year to not give gifts to each other, but to give a few things to relatives and friends.  We make pepper jelly each year in green and red.  So we will be giving some jars of that to some friends.  I think that it will be good to concentrate on the reason for the season.  We are hoping for a peaceful and joyful holiday. That's really all we want.

We did put some decorations up and have our tree.  The smell of a fir tree in the house is wonderful.  I hope that you are enjoying the day.  It is beautiful here--nearly 70 degrees.

A serving of self-pity

Thanksgiving is coming up next week.  It is my favorite holiday, yet this year, I have little enthusiasm for it.  We have the dining room table set, just as we do every year.  Yet, no one will be coming.  We will be taking food over to my wife's parents house.

In years past, we didn't have a large crowd, but there would be my mother, C.'s aunt,  and the parents-in-law.  One year, we had some of my wife's distant relatives over and their children.  It was a wonderful meal, with little printed up menus for people to take home.  We outdid ourselves.  And what happened was that my father-in-law got drunk, fell asleep in his chair, and everyone left him to sleep it off.  I ended up taking him home, during which he was angrily telling me that he should not have been left.  After that Thanksgiving, we decided to not have any more large family gatherings.  That day left us pretty shell-shocked.

This year, I am just tired and feeling down.  There is no joy over at the in-laws, even though the new caregivers will be there. Perhaps they will be joyful and happy to be around.  I am going to keep an open mind about the day.  We are invited to have a second evening meal at the home of some friends on Thanksgiving.  We are going to that.  Yet, I wish that our home were filled up with happy people who could enjoy this house and the food that we cook.  Would you like some self-pity served with that turkey?

It seems sad to have the table set and no one to sit down at it.  I know that it is up to us to take action.  I would like the Normal Rockwell version of Thanksgiving but that is not what will happen.  Most people are with their family, and ours has dwindled to a minimum.   Even contemplating Christmas is just too much as well.  It seems that the pressure to do something, to get "things", to force happiness out of material goods is overwhelming.  I don't want to do that.

I want the happiness to happen because we care about each other,  we want to be together, and we are the best gift to give another through our love.  That is something to be thankful about.  It can still happen with an attitude adjustment by me.

A photolog of July 4th

Just a few photos of the marina picnic and fireworks.  It was a good day, although we were tired when it was done.  And amazingly, all was quiet by midnight.  I think that all the rockets had been spent, all the food eaten, and the drinks finished off.  

Time for bed now.  I am reading Life by Keith Richards.  It is quite good.  What a life and a lot of miles:
On doing drugs: 
"I think your persona, your image, as it used to be known, is like a ball and chain. People think I'm still a goddamn junkie. It's 30 years since I gave up the dope! Image is like a long shadow. Even when the sun goes down, you can see it. But it's no exaggeration that I was basically living like an outlaw."
On quitting drugs: 
“most junkies are idiots. That’s really what finally turned me around. We’ve only got one subject in mind; which is the dope.”
On dying: 
"I don't want to see my old friend Lucifer just yet. He's the guy I'm gonna see, isn't it? I'm not going to the Other Place, let's face it."
On fame:
"Fame has killed more very talented guys than drugs. Jimi Hendrix didn't die of an overdose, he died of fame."
His mother's dying words:
"You're out of tune."

Good night.