Oysters, puppies, and a few other things

I went to an oyster roast yesterday.  It was another glorious day, with temperatures in the mid 60's.  I ate oysters, watched the dogs retrieve in the pond, caught up with some friends and had a nice afternoon.  It felt good to see an old neighbor who was actually the person to whom I made my first amends.  I am no longer worried about his opinion of me.  My side of the street is clean.

One of the highlights was seeing and holding some 8 week old puppies whose mother was the daughter of my old girl who recently died.  These were her grandbabies, and they were precious.  Nothing like nuzzling some babies that have that wonderful puppy breath. Their sturdy little bodies and thick coats were awesome.  It did my heart good to see these descendants that go back several generations from my line of English Labradors.  

I generally read blogs in the morning and evening.  I have found that my meditation time is not complete without opening blogs and checking in on what you are doing.  My blog roll has grown enormously since I started blogging several years ago.  I find that I get so much out of what is posted.  In many ways, what you write has been as much an integral part of my recovery as meetings have.

Many times I will read a blog entry that makes me think about what it was like when I first started going to meetings.  One of the bloggers was writing about her experience with going to an Al-Anon meeting and not feeling comfortable because the meeting was closed.  

Al-Anon meetings are closed because they are limited to members and prospective members who will feel free to share and listen to the experience, strength, and hope of one another on a confidential and anonymous basis. This means that therapists, health professionals and people who don't have a problem with alcoholism won't be attending just to observe.  Having a closed meeting keeps it safe for all who attend.

An Al-Anon meeting may choose to be "open" by the consent of its participants.  An "open" Al-Anon meeting allows attendance by people who are not families and friends of alcoholics but who are interested in learning about Al-Anon.  People who may come to open Al-Anon meetings occasionally include students and professionals who work with alcoholics and their families.  I've been in these open meetings in which students attend. And invariably, one of them will share that there is someone in the family who is affected by the disease.

Tradition 3 states that the only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.  That's pretty broad.  Most of us have relatives or friends who have a problem with alcoholism.  I know many people who come to Al-Anon who have relatives who are drug addicts. And that is largely because there are so few Nar-Anon meetings and Families Anonymous meetings around. But the focus is not on the alcoholic (or addict) but on the crazy behavior of those who live with them.  The anger, resentment, worry, enabling, sadness are common emotions that occur when someone you love is making a mess of their lives.

I do believe in singleness of purpose.  But I have not seen anyone turned away because their loved one was a drug addict rather than solely an alcoholic.  Now days, there are so many that have both problems.  Or perhaps one morphs into the other.  I was told to attend six meetings before making up my mind about whether Al-Anon was for me.  I picked my sponsor at my third meeting.  He showed me compassion and from that I learned to be compassionate.  I learned to shift my focus from talking about the destructive behavior of my loved one to the destructive behavior that I had.  And that is what meetings are about.  We come in hopeless and learn to have hope, learn to have a life that isn't filled with anxiety and obsessing about others, learn to live for ourselves again.  Powerful stuff.

Heading home

I'm heading back home this morning.  I enjoyed seeing my colleagues. It is a strange feeling to not be invested in work plans for the next five years.  But I realize that's okay and will just have to let this go.


The above photo is of my dinner last night: American lobster, clam chowder and a lot of soft-shell clams (steamers).  It was quite a feast. And there was a lot of joviality during and after the meal. 



It is still snowing this morning and the snow is accumulating.  What a treat it was to wake up and look out the window to see snow coming down and the ground covered.  I had breakfast looking out over the Eel pond where there are many snow covered sailboats and powerboats bobbing at their moorings. It was indeed a picture postcard scene.

This week I went to an open men's meeting.  Before the meeting began, a young woman walked in.  After she sat down, one of the members walked over and told her that it was a men's meeting. She then got up and went outside.  No one among those regular members got up to talk with her.  So I went outside and asked her whether she had a ride.  She said that she would call her ride to come back and get her. 

This seemed to be one of those situations where "How Important Is It?" would apply.  Was it really necessary to oust someone who came for help from a meeting? What about the idea that limiting the message may also limit my own recovery?  I think that in this case it would have been good to let this young woman stay.  I like the idea of including those who need the message and not excluding them.  Tradition Three seems to be the guide here in which the only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.

I would be interested to hear your viewpoint on this, both from the point of AA and Al-Anon. 

Tradition Three

The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.

• Principle: Focus
• Traits: singleness of purpose, keep it simple

Al-Anon's non-affiliation with any other cause or organization keeps our purpose clear and helps us avoid controversies that could hurt our unity. Al-Anon and the recovery offered me is my primary focus. This does not mean I have the right to force my belief in Al-Anon on others. My recovery does not detract from my family’s unity. My preaching may.

To LEARN how to join Al-Anon or form a group, turn to Tradition Three, which tells us that any individual can join simply by deciding he or she is troubled by another person's drinking. A group can be formed whenever two or more persons get together to use the Al-Anon principles to help themselves. The only stipulation is that the group itself not affiliate with any other program, religion or cause. This stipulation is intentionally simple and inclusive. It insures that when anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help in dealing with the effects of another's alcoholism, Al-Anon will be there. This tradition points out our singleness of purpose.

Most organizations have specific requirements for membership and some way to see that only those who qualify are admitted. Applications are created and obligations are spelled out. Al-Anon is different. If you think you are troubled by a drinker, you are welcome.

Al-Anon's non-affiliation with any other cause or organization keeps our purpose clear and helps us avoid controversies that could hurt our unity. Although there are many good, related endeavors, our experience indicates that we lose the vitality and effectiveness of our Al-Anon program when we stretch ourselves too thin by trying to be all things to all people.

Practicing this Tradition brings us personal growth and expanded recovery. For all who come through the doors and claim by their presence that they have a problem, we extend the hand of fellowship. We offer them unconditional love and acceptance. It is simple.

We do not use our group for other purposes or link our group to other causes, treatment programs or outside endeavors, however worthy they may be, because we want to be sure Al-Anon is always available to us and others in need of the help we have found so useful.