Honoring my self

It is cold and raining here.  We have a fire going which I'm sitting next to and typing out this post.  Having a good fire is comforting, reawakening some primitive part of us humans.  And the fall colors are incredibly vivid for this part of the coast.  I drove down our road yesterday and was struck by the trees and the leaves falling gently to the ground.

Yesterday was the men's meeting.  We talked about keeping the focus on ourselves, not in a selfish way but in the sense of owning our own needs and naming them in a relationship rather than seeing the other person in the relationship as the source of all problems.

We did not get very far into the reading before there was a lot of discussion about what part of our selves we have given up over the years.  For some, it was about not having any real sense of self because of being alcoholic.  Not wanting to own any part of being responsible to another was certainly one of the things that we talked about.

And then there was my take on this which was feeling overly responsible to others, to my job, to organizations to the point that I was morphed into whatever others wanted me to be, putting my real needs on hold.  Inside was, and is, the vagabond spirit that wants to be free of responsibility.  So the trick is to balance what I want to do with what I need to do.  I want to sail to some faraway places, but now is not the time to leave my wife to deal with her parents and the farm.  I talk with her about my dreams and wants.  I share my feelings with her and don't hold back.  That has opened up a lot of good discussions and brought us closer together.

I realize that my sense of self has been at times muted and altered.  Just that awareness is helping me to be more mindful of sharing who I am with those I know, without being concerned about what they might think.  It is an ongoing process.

No Sunday blues on a Monday night

We got back to the marina around noon today.  I washed up the boat, went to a diesel place to get a new fuel pump, and came home to take a 2 hour nap. It doesn't seem like a Monday at all.  I used to get those Sunday evening blues when I knew that Monday was coming.

I wanted the weekend to continue because it was the time that I could get things done that I really enjoyed.  Now, when I look back on my working days, I wonder at how short the time was between Friday evening and Sunday night.  It doesn't seem like enough time to recharge before going back to work.  I'm often amazed at all the multi-tasking I did when I was still working full time.  And I'm still multi-tasking, heaping more things to do on my plate, but I have to say that I am greatly enjoying just about everything that I do now.  

One of the new projects that I am thinking about doing is to photograph those who are down and out in this town.  I was inspired to read what Chris Arnade did in his photo documentation of the Faces of Addiction.  I have talked to a fellow I know who works at the city homeless shelter and am going to write a proposal to do a project in which I photograph those who will agree and write about their story.  I'm not sure where this will be going other than to let the photos and their words tell their own story.  Perhaps it will be possible to do an exhibit at some point.  Right now, this is an idea that I feel compelled to explore.

I have also wanted to document the people of the Lowcountry Sea Islands and tell a bit of their story.  I see this as a vanishing culture in the South.  Development of the islands is happening at a rapid rate, so much so that many of the old ways will likely die out.  Once again, theirs is a story worth telling through photos and words.

In the midst of these ideas, comes an old nemesis:  Am I good enough to do this work?  I'm not professionally trained, but I know that I have a good eye. But is that enough?  There are so many talented photographers here.  Yet, I am going to forge ahead and see what comes of this idea.  I may not be the best, but I have a desire and determination.
 

Doing life

I seem to be doing life more and more without worry or fear.  It is a good feeling.  There are more days of utter contentment, even in the midst of those circumstances that baffle me and used to make me feel estranged from myself.

I like that I am doing life without the goal of trying to please others.  The people pleasing behavior is one of those things that children of alcoholics know how to do.  It never worked, and I would always be filled with resentment when my "good" deeds would go unnoticed or be glossed over.

I guess that it's not unusual to want to be liked or to please the people that we love or who are important to us.  But it seems that alcoholism has a way of warping how much pleasing I did.  Being ill at ease with who I was from the time I can remember,  I would try hard to fit in.  But I never could quite achieve a feeling of oneness with others.  Sure, there were moments of having a sense of belonging.  But overall, there was a feeling of not being a part of.

I hear these words said in so many meetings--"I didn't fit in", "I felt different", "I didn't belong".  And these are said by alcoholics and Al-Anons.  I recently heard that those who grow up around alcoholism don't have a data base to learn how to "do life" like other children do.  For many, growing up around alcoholism is filled with anxiety and tension.  The child doesn't learn to be a child because the moments of being carefree are short lived.  Not knowing what is going to happen next takes away the ability to relax.

I can remember times in my adult life where I did not feel fully present.  Those are familiar feelings from the past in which I was just going through the motions of pretending to be a child, pretending to like what was going on, pretending to feel comfortable, pretending to do life.

I understand this quote from Dr. Jan Woititz because it is what I have often felt:

"It is hard for adult children of alcoholics to believe that they can be accepted because of who they are and that the acceptance does not have to be earned. Feeling different and somewhat isolated is part of your makeup."

Getting comfortable in my own skin is part of recovery.  I know that I have come a long way because I am not striving to fit in with every situation, and I'm not judging myself harshly for it.

I now like to do things for others without expecting anything in return.  I now know that my friendship and love is enough. I don't have to give gifts all the time or take people places or do any of the other things that I would do whether I really wanted to or not.  I can do what feels okay to me, without strings attached.

Doing life now is about ease, not strife.  It's about being authentic and not pretending, not worrying about what others think, not looking for others to fill the hole or patch me up.  I've found my childhood as an adult.

Little Cat's Feet

We had another nice day on the water.  The fog was thick this morning when we left the boat landing.  The world was grey, soft and had an ancient feeling.  It's not hard to imagine what it must have been like to look at a coast line and not see any homes.  The fog does that--it has a way of hiding a lot of things. Later in the morning, the sun began to burn off the fog and the shoreline was, once again, obvious.

We caught a few fish, enjoyed being on the water, and headed back to the landing just as an evening fog bank was rolling in from the ocean.  After cleaning up the boat,  we both were tired.  I feel as if I have been steam rolled from the sun, the wind, the fishing.

I did head to a friend's house to help him with some calculations that he was having difficulty with on the Captain's exam.  He is a non-linear thinker with ADD.  Even the most simple math problems throw him into a panic.  I helped him to work through the problems, although I don't think that he understands much of what we did.  He has a dream to get a 200 ton license, yet I don't think that he will be able to pass the test on navigation problems.

What do you do when the thing that you want to achieve is beyond your grasp?  I think that he knows this, but says that he wants his life to account for something.  Most of the early years were spent being drunk.  And now, he has a dream to be a success at something.

My mother used to say that it was important "to cut the garment according to the cloth".  When I was a kid, I didn't know what this meant.  But as I grew older and wiser, I knew that it was a metaphor for having realistic resources before undertaking a task.  I hate to see someone try so hard but not succeed because they lack the educational background to pass the exam.

Dreams are important and keep us moving forward.  Perhaps we don't always succeed in making our dreams become reality.  I have had to settle in this life for something less than what I set out to attain.  It is a disappointment but something that I got over.  I hope that my friend will realize that he is still worth a lot regardless of whether he passes to get the license he wants or has to settle for a lesser license.  There comes a point that it is time to fold the tents and move on.

Here is what Rumi has to say:

Outside, the freezing desert night.

This other night inside grows warm, kindling.

Let the landscape be covered with thorny crust.

We have a soft garden in here.

The continents blasted,

cities and little towns, everything

become a scorched, blackened ball.

The news we hear is full of grief for that future, 

 but the real news inside here

is there's no news at all.

I believe that in the chaotic world that often makes no sense, the real news is inside here, and there is no news. It reminds me of what I heard recently that the soul does not wish to move; the soul wishes to be at rest. The soul doesn't need to accomplish anything.  But the ego and society pull us away from being rested into chaos.  If we all truly lived in the no-news inside,  I believe the affect on the outside world would be one of tremendous peace.

Believe it or not

Today we got some rain from the remnants of Hurricane Lee.  It was a good morning to read the paper, get the final painting done on the garage floor and then take an after lunch nap.  I am worn out from the weekend on the boat.  I get plenty of sleep, but I guess that it isn't the sound sleep that I get at home.  Maybe it's because I sleep lightly just in case we start drifting or some other event happens.

Tonight was class which goes for about 3 hours.  I am working on plotting a cruise around Vineyard Sound in MA.  I enjoy doing the work, although it is tedious.  I am sure that the exam is going to be difficult and will take a couple of weeks to complete.

I am hoping for cooler weather soon.  It is still hot and humid here.  This part of the coast seems to stay hot and humid until the latter part of September.  But the fall garden plants are in at the seed store, so we will be putting the fall garden in this week.  The first really fall day is going to bring a lot of joy to me.  I have sweated and been out in the sun and heat most of the summer.  I'm ready for a change.

C. and I are enjoying our morning walks together.  This morning we decided to just stay in bed a bit longer and listen to the rain pouring outside.  We talked about how damaging insulting words can be to those who have fragile self-esteem.  Once the words are said,  they are like a dart to the heart unless we can convince ourselves that what is being said is absurd and untrue.  That's easier said than done for some of us.  I know that words don't roll off me as easily as I would like them to.  I mull them over, mostly taking to heart what people say, until I can start to repair my ego enough to know that I don't have to believe everything that I hear. 

I see now how dangerous bullying really is.  Those kids who believe what bullies say and don't stand up for themselves have a terrible time.  Mental health is affected to the point of suicide.  As adults, we can choose to not believe all that we hear.  I have to say that to have such a strong positive affirmation of self takes a bit of work.  As someone affected by alcoholism,  I tend to believe what someone says about me, because I am my own worst critic. The negative voices that I heard growing up come back to tell me that I am still managing to make a mess of things. 

I like to think of Sir Winston Churchill who seemed to have some great comebacks regardless of the situation.  Whether insulted or not, he seemed fairly impervious as in this famous exchange:

Attending a party in London, Churchill once again was drunk and intoxicated. An obviously extremely astute woman from Parliament apparently was irritated by Churchill’s mannerisms. When she finally had enough, she came up to him and yelled: “Winston, you’re drunk!” He may have been drunk but that apparently didn’t affect his cognitive functions as he merely replied:
“You’re right Bessie, and you’re ugly. But tomorrow morning, I’ll be sober.” 

Ballsy fellow, Sir Winston.  I think of these things after the fact.  But even if I could summon up some witty remark,  I don't see what is to be gained by reciprocating the tit-for-tat interchange.  Best to just mind my business and move past all the drama.  Much like leaving the field of battle,  it seems better to not take everything that I hear as being the truth.  
 
Re-examine all that you have been told... dismiss that which insults your soul. ~ Walt Whitman

Changed attitudes can aid recovery

I don't know what it is, but I feel content today.  I have enough of everything and feel centered within.  This must be one of the promises of recovery coming true. 

For me, a changed attitude is recovery. I don't feel miserable or like reacting to behaviors of others.  If I work the program, my life is more about acting on behalf of myself rather than reacting to the actions and behaviors of others. I can regard every day as a blank canvas on which I can begin painting again at any time.

I can see that by taking care of myself and not buying into what others are doing,  I have learned to be fairly happy on the inside.  I believe in the spiritual law that says : "When I change, those around me will either change or go away." I think that positive energy given out to the universe attracts positive energy in return.  Maybe my joie de vivre may be a bit much sometimes, but it is who I am.

This is a tough time of year for many.  I don't know why.  Maybe it is the expectations that are leading to disappointment and eventually to resentment.  I know about those things because I have felt them and not just at Christmas. It used to be an every day thing for me.  What a drag that was. 

Now I have the ability to see a different way to live. If others don't do as I would like, what good does it do for me to feel angry? I don't have to be around them unless I choose to.  Their being stuck in misery really has nothing to do with me.  

Here are a few things that I find to be particularly helpful in this journey of changed attitudes: 

• I keep practicing being positive, thinking each day about a few things for which I am grateful.
• Create a new reality based on the truths I've learned about myself and not what I think the truth of others might be. Others have their own truths. I have mine that comes from within and from the unconditional love and support of myHigher Power.  
• Being willing to try new experiences and risking what I used to think in exchange for a different set of principles that I have learned in recovery.  For me at least, this is how I learned what I liked and didn't, what I was deserving of and when I was taking less than what I deserved.
• To say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean.
• Not to stuff my feelings; let them flow through; process them; and then move on. The feelings won't kill me.  
• Not to cruelly punish others but to detach from them and yet still love them.  Retribution never did me any good. In fact, it made me feel miserable.
• Not sink their ship but don't try to keep it afloat.  Let them navigate their own route.  Maybe we will meet up again along the journey.
• Allow others the dignity to face their own consequences -- as it is of their own making.
• And most important put the focus back on myself. That is how I will keep a positive attitude going. If I look to other people to make me happy, I am going to be in a perpetual state of disappointment, anger, and frustration, and then look back and wonder where my life went.

Knowing my higher power is always there to ask for help as are those in this program is a very positive force in my life. So....even though I once wondered how people in Al-Anon ever got to that place of feeling serene with just an occasional slip, today I know or at least believe that a combination of what I've written above has brought me to that place too.

I am trying to look at life as one big ball of imperfect humanity of which I am a part. Working the program has helped me find humor in even the worst situations because .......well, there's no denying that some things are just funny (maybe a little more so when its over and I've gotten through it).

All I know is that building on the negativity and the miserable aspects of a situation only digs a deeper hole for me. Staying hopeful and looking to build on constructive possibilities, like what was learned from an uncomfortable experience, seems like a better bet than going into a downward spiral of self-pity. It doesn't mean I change the facts, it doesn't mean deciding everyone is a good person and not taking care of myself; rather, it means that I have an open mind when listening to others and that I ask my HP to help me identify my real feelings and to be true to myself.

Wild thing

I never saw a wild thing

sorry for itself.

A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough

without ever having felt sorry for itself.

D.H. Lawrence

I talked with a sponsee who is having a particularly bad time of things at the moment.  Someone near and dear to him is very ill.  He is filled with stress and is depressed.  As I listened to him and the problems in his life at the moment, I wanted to tell him how I thought he would find some peace in his life through this program.  I wanted to tell him that the friends he has in Al-Anon will be there for him. But he didn't call to talk recovery.  He called to offer up how angry he was at the doctors, how unfair all this was and how he was too busy to attend meetings or continue with our meetings on the steps. So I didn't offer up what he might do or how recovery could help.  I just listened.

Maybe he would be better served by a sponsor who could smart-mouth or guilt trip him into recovery or cajole him to attend meetings.  For better or worse, I am not that person.  I do know what works for me.  When I am out of sorts with life and stress is piling up,  I pick up the phone and call my sponsor, get to meetings, write out what is bothering me, and get to a place where I can feel close to the God of my understanding.  Most of the time, I head to the boat and look out at the harbor.  I know that the solution to my inner peace comes from what I have learned in recovery. 

Some of the things that I have found to be particularly helpful are to: 

-Open my heart to someone (Step Five) and through trusting another person,  I am building self-confidence. If I cannot accept myself as being human, how can I ever accept and trust others? If I cannot accept and trust others, how can I respect and love them? If I cannot respect and love others, how can they respect and love me?

-Keep a positive attitude about people and situations.

-Be compassionate towards others

-Accept that life is not perfect and neither am I.  If I let the fear of making mistakes control my life, I would do nothing at all.  There would be no forward progression. 

-Give up unrealistic expectations of myself and others

-Take action in order to improve. I will build self-confidence by being challenged to my limits, meeting them and then setting new limits

-Remember that the dark times don't last and will go away

-Maintain a sense of humor and don't take myself too seriously

-Make a positive commitment that I can keep

-Go beyond myself and self-interested focusing to embrace spirituality that requires courage, independence, and faith in my own potential as a human being.

I also found the following to be so profound and beautiful:

" Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,
but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain,
but for the heart to conquer it.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved,
but for the patience to win my freedom."
Shantideva

"May I become at all times, both now and forever
A protector for those without protection
A guide for those who have lost their way
A ship for those with oceans to cross
A bridge for those with rivers to cross
A sanctuary for those in danger
A lamp for those without light
A place of refuge for those who lack shelter
And a servant to all in need."
His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

Fully self supporting

The Seventh Tradition says that we are self-supporting through our own contributions.  I understand the financial aspect of that as it relates to meetings and every day life.  But there are some other aspects of being self-supporting that are worth considering.

Being fully self-supporting means that I take care of myself. It is not taking care of another nor expecting others to take care of me. Assuming responsibilities for others robs them of their dignity and self-respect. To depend on another to fulfill my needs or carry out my responsibilities invites disappointment and resentment.

I have conceded that the troubles that I've had in relationships are of my own making. If I didn't accept that, then I would be saying that the things that happened to me were caused by other people or things. And the corollary to that fallacy would be that I would have to get the people or things to change if I were to get better. I know though that I'm powerless over others. So I don't put myself in the victim and self-pity mode much anymore. That way of thinking brings with it depression and a grinding, oppressive sense of defeat.

Being emotionally self-supporting was not the easiest thing to grasp. After years of relying on outside opinions to feel good about myself, it was hard to believe in myself. I would think that if only my wife would stop drinking and be happy, I would be okay. If only my father weren't so critical, then I would be okay. If only...if only....

I have wasted a lot of years taking care of others' business, especially that of the alcoholic in my life.  I gave and gave, martyring myself, and then building a resentment when what I had done wasn't appreciated or acknowledged. 

No one ever did anything to me that I didn't let happen.  And I've had to come to terms with the fact that the things I let the people I love the most do to me were those things that I would never have tolerated in a colleague or casual acquaintance.  So one of my solutions is to be wary of those who are toxic for me.  Not every one can be a true friend.  But I can't run everyone off because my spirit is one that has a desire to be with others.  

I've often thought that it would be nice to not need others and to truly be fully self-supporting.  But in the long run, the words "No man is an island" comes to mind. I know that I do need others in my life and that isolation for me isn't a healthy thing.  It is okay to let the drawbridge down and allow others to enter my domain.  I can just be a bit choosy about who I let in.  What I have to remember is that the support that I receive that is the most dependable is from my Higher Power and those within the Al-Anon fellowship. 

Another aspect of being fully self-supporting is that I don't have to be all things to all people. I can still be a good soul today without having to be a husband, friend, counselor, therapist, problem solver for anyone else.  And I don't have to expect those things from others.  I can let go of any expectations that I have and simply take what I like and leave the rest. 

So in the long run,  I am fully self-supporting with a few caveats:  1) I need others in my life but can not impose my expectations on them; 2) I need a Higher Power in my life because it is my soul and spirit that support me; and 3) I am part of a whole--I don't need to be everything without asking for anything.  I can ask for what I need and in doing so, I become apart of and not separated from. 

Al-Anon has helped me see how deficient I was in being emotionally self supporting. I realize now that my life doesn't depend on anyone's approval. I need for my life to depend on my own emotional support, and God's help. Sure, there are slips. But all in all, I'm realizing that I have the right to be happy and responsible for my own emotional welfare.

On equal terms

There are times when I hate the disease so much that I also start to hate myself for ever being around it. Then I realize that what hasn’t killed me might have helped me. I am better for having endured and learned and found a solution.  Nonetheless,  if given the choice, I would rather have not spent so many years on unequal terms with another.

Mary wrote recently on her blog: 
".....people who are not codependent ...... have healthy boundaries and a strong sense of self and they don’t want to rescue or redeem troubled lovers. They want partners in the true sense of the word. Strong independent-minded people don’t come out of families where they have grown up colluding in secrets and compliance. They don’t locate self-worth in being needed or in pointless self-sacrifice. They want to meet with others on equal terms."

Today, I had a sponsee meeting on Step 12.  After a year of working the steps,  we have come to the point where as sponsor and sponsee we can talk in depth about practicing the principles of the program in our lives.  He has been involved in several relationships in which he gave much more than the other person.  There was no equality,  but the assigned roles of giver and a taker.  I too have been the giver for many years, but I am now seeing that to continually give from the well depletes and eventually dries up the well spring within. 

What was the point of my pointless self-sacrifice?  Did I think that if I would stay the course that somehow the other person would magically change for me?  Maybe that was part of it.  But in my example, I shared that the self-sacrifice only dries and burns up one person--me.  I am much better off today with having more equality in my relationships with others.  I no longer have to be the giver.  It is not a role that has been assigned for life. 

For every person who is struggling with a loved one who is taking, it is best to ask "what am I getting from all the giving that I do?"  If I inventory the situation,  I will no doubt find that I thought that I did not deserve to be on equal terms.  But my life matters, my health of mind and body matters, and the time has come that my partner and I can meet each other in the middle.  And that, my friends, is what recovery has done.   

Clearing out

I am too tired to do much that is productive today. I did stay up too late last night with the iPad.  It seems that I have become a night person.  But my schedule requires that I also be a morning person, and the two conflict.

So here I am at work in my partially cleared out office.  I have cleaned out the file cabinet in the photo above and most of the things in the book case are packed.  I have a couple more file cabinets to go through and then a bunch of publications of mine that I will donate to the library since I don't need 40 copies of each of them.

Strangely enough, I am now over the shock and despair part of grieving the end of my career here.  I think that a couple of months ago I was really in the throes of grieving my leaving this position.  I knew that I had signed on the dotted line five years ago and wasn't a bit under duress or crazy when I did it.  Both C. and I decided that we would leave when we were young enough to still do other things.  Our stint here has been long and productive. We knew that we would be ready in five years.  And the financial deal was really sweet.

But as the time grew nearer I did grieve. I did the denial (I still have plenty of time left to work here), anger (what was I thinking?), the bargaining (I can come back and work again for the agency at some point), and the depression (no one will miss me) bit.  Sometimes I felt near panic at the thought of leaving this career. 

I have worked at some sort of job in marine science since I was in high school.  That's a long time.  I even volunteered at my first job at a marine lab where I later got my MS and Ph.D. I spent that entire summer emptying out dead preserved oysters and washing the jars. I saw shriveled up oysters in my dreams.  But I showed up every day and did the work.  That lead to paying summer jobs for the rest of high school through college.  And then came graduate school where there were no breaks or vacations. And after graduate school, I went right into moving and working here.  It was a long run.

Now I think that I 'm at the acceptance phase.  I realize that I will see the people here again.  I do have outside interests that will keep me busy.  I am wanting the days now to go quicker so that I can be through with all the finality.  I am ready to accept the new reality of not being a part of this place in the sense that I have in the past. 

So today is a day to go through more drawers of the last file cabinet.  And now I am viewing these old letters and papers as being expendable.  I don't have to keep everything. Those old files that go back to the start of my time here can be perused.  I can let go of them and only save a very few that mean something to me.  It's time to say the good byes and move on. 

More Mad Hatter

"I'm late! I'm late. For a very important date!

No time to say hello! Good-bye!

I'm late! I'm late! I'm late!" The Mad Hatter, from Alice in Wonderland

I am feeling like I left myself behind today.  Somewhere back in the country is a tired and somewhat aching body that needs to get going to do some work.  It's Monday once again.  Monday means that I have to get to work, work on more cleaning up of files, and organizing things so that I can pass papers and data on to those who will still be here.  I also have two sponsee meetings today--one at noon and one before I leave for the Al-Anon book study and regular meeting tonight.  

Yet, amazingly this is what happens week after week.  It doesn't make me unhappy or even in a Mad Hatter rush.  It just means that I have my day laid out.  And so when I put my head down tonight and rest,  I know that I have done what I could to be useful, to do my part, to get what I could done, and to not wonder what more I could fit into my schedule.  I don't feel the call of the water today because I am sated from being in the salt air over the weekend.  My muscles are tired from sailing, walking and rowing the little dinghy to shore.  

Yet, I know that within me will be opportunities to be spontaneous.  There will be discussions at work, with sponsees, at my meetings and tonight at home.  I am grateful for the ability to do these things, to be the person I am.  And hopefully the light that I reflect will come back to me with even brighter rays.  

F.I.N.E.

When I first started this blog, I was of a mind that the title would reflect what I was feeling most of the time. When anyone would ask, I would say that I was "fine".

In reality I was anything but that. In Al-Anon, I learned that feeling FINE actually meant that I was f'd up, insecure, neurotic and emotional. That sure seemed to be a good descriptor of what I was like and had felt most of my life.

I received an email from a lady who was reading this blog. She said that she had some up with a new phrase for F.I.N.E. And she wanted to share it with me....Finally Internalizing Normal Emotions. She wrote that living that phrase was a goal and a challenging one at that.

It is a challenge to finally internalize "normal" emotions. I'm glad that I'm learning how to do exchange my resentment, anger, fear and sadness for acceptance, hope, courage and joy. In fact, if asked, you might actually get to hear how I'm doing! I have many more days now when I can honestly say that I'm "great", "happy", "glad to be alive", or "doing well". I guess that I'm really starting to feel "fine".

Seventh Tradition

Steve and I decided to get back to writing on the traditions this week. Check out his blog for the AA perspective and I'm doing the Al-Anon take on the traditions here.

Tradition Seven: Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
The primary principle here is inner strength. With this tradition, the group and I am self-sufficient, responsible, and have self-respect.

I've written about this tradition before. So some of what's written here is a bit repetitive of that post.

This tradition is important for our meetings--that we are self-supporting and can keep the fellowship going. It's also important in my personal life. I am financially self-supporting. I can remember when my wife was drinking that I knew that I would be able to move out, if that was the route to sanity, because I had a good job.

Being fully self-supporting is more than money though. It means that I take care of myself. It is not taking care of another nor expecting others to take care of me. Assuming responsibilities for others robs them of their dignity and self-respect. To depend on another to fulfill my needs or carry out my responsibilities invites disappointment and resentment.

I have conceded that the troubles that I've had in relationships are of my own making. If I didn't accept that, then I would be saying that the things that happened to me were caused by other people or things. And the corollary to that fallacy would be that I would have to get the people or things to change if I were to get better. I know though that I'm powerless over others. So I don't put myself in the victim and self-pity mode much anymore. That way of thinking brings with it depression and a grinding, oppressive sense of defeat.

Being emotionally self-supporting was not the easiest thing to grasp. After years of relying on outside opinions to feel good about myself, it was hard to believe in myself. I would think that if only my wife would stop drinking and be happy, I would be okay. If only my father weren't so critical, then I would be okay. If only...if only....

What I was unable to see was that I expected others to do what I wanted because I didn't know how to get what I needed within myself. I went to therapy and didn't really talk about myself but would talk about the other person. I kept the focus off myself for the most part. I guess that I didn't have much "self" at that time.

Al-Anon has helped me see how deficient I was in being emotionally self supporting. I realize now that my life doesn't depend on anyone's approval. I need for my life to depend on my own emotional support, and God's help. Sure, there are slips. But all in all, I'm realizing that I have the right to be happy and responsible for my own emotional welfare.

Tradition Seven gratitude:
1. That I'm employed and that my SO is also working.
2. That the groups that I go to, even my home group which is really small, can be self-supporting.
3. That I don't have to rely upon anyone else to make me feel that I'm a great person.
4. That I have a HP and it isn't any human.
5. That I can listen to the opinions of others and still have a choice to make up my own mind.

Tradition Seven

There have been quite a few meetings focusing on Tradition Seven during this seventh month. I used to think that the traditions were boring and that they only pertained to what happened in meetings. But I've come to realize that the traditions can be applied in our lives, just as the steps can.

Tradition Seven has its origin in keeping our groups self-supporting so that we don't receive money from foundations, hospitals or other sources outside of Al-Anon. It's important that Al-Anon meet its own expenses and not be dependent on outside entities.

But I see that this tradition has a great application in our lives. I work and have a good job. I am financially self-supporting. And I'm glad that my alcoholic is also self supporting. We are lucky in that alcoholism didn't wreak havoc with finances.

Tradition Seven also means to me that I am physically, emotionally and spiritually self-supporting. This is a bit tougher for me. I have taken to heart the opinions of others for most of my life. Now I know that those are only their opinions and that I must look inside myself and to my HP for validation, rather than to another human.

In relationships, it's important to consider what another has to say but it isn't necessary to feel bound to their opinion. There is also the issue of control here. Neither of us must do anything to limit the options of the other to avoid being hurt or frightened. I've frequently let others be my HP by being overly dependent on them for my emotional well being. But this Tradition reminds me that my self-worth comes from within and from my HP, not from having to have someone in my life in order to feel okay about myself.

I have thought that my marriage was based in the beginning on being with someone for my well being. I had a need and didn't feel whole without having her in my life all the time. I've come to realize that this exaggerated need comes from my fear of rejection and abandonment and isn't healthy. I know now that we are together to enhance each others lives but not to be each others lives.

I know that my relationship has been made stronger because I am responsible for my progress and recovery. I don't want to feel less than but an equal partner who does my part.

I am grateful today that:

* I am not attempting to control my partner and our relationship.
* I accept responsibility for my actions and know that the problems that occur are of my own making.
* I have a good job and am self-supporting.
* I'm okay with doing things that may not necessarily be something my SO wants to do.
* I have a program that reminds me that receiving is a position of powerlessness while giving is a position of control.

Imperfections

I've been asked to sponsor someone in the program and this is both exciting and daunting. I think about how much more I need to learn. I wonder if I'm ready for guiding this person. I hope that I have the wisdom to work with another as my sponsor has done with me.

And that has turned my thoughts to imperfections, mainly mine. Having expectations of perfection in myself and others is unrealistic. I know that and yet I can punish myself or another through comparison, smugness, and judging.

I've felt it necessary many times to justify what I was doing, rather than just accepting that I'm okay and that I don't owe explanations to anyone but my HP.

I am telling myself that there is no perfect way, only God's way. No comparison, no perfection, no judging, just an open mind, humility and acceptance.

Is there unconditional love?

I've read that it's possible to have unconditional love of self in which you love yourself regardless of external conditions. This means being true to your feelings regardless of those around you. Based on what I know from Al-Anon, the HP loves each of us unconditionally. And if I look outside myself for love, I will not find unconditional love from another human. This has been a tough one to understand in my past but now I know that my demands for love often far exceed what the other person can give. And then my expectations of the other become burdensome and filled with conditions that end up in disappointment and even anger.

It's hard for me to imagine unconditional love in intimate relationships. Maybe after many years together and a lot of insight, one gets to the place where there are no conditions vis a vis the other person. I know that I have lowered my expectations dramatically since being in Al-Anon. But they haven't entirely gone away. My mind will go to the place where I concoct the "what if's" and think about how I wish the one I love would not have an alcoholic mind or selfish behavior. Or if I could just remake them to be the way that I want.... I now realize how dangerous that way of thinking is but sometimes my head just goes there, just as a tongue goes to a sore tooth.

But then I have to say that there is the unconditional love of dogs. They seem to be so happy just to hear the car drive up or hear our voice. They wag, bounce around, and are genuinely glad just to be in our company. A morning at the beach is the best thing in the world. I've had dogs for many years and they have taught me a lot about life and living it in a happy way. Sometimes I think that the HP is manifested in the spirit of dogs and showing us in a tangible form how to love unconditionally.

Heading back

We are heading back into Savannah. Thankfully, I should be home very late tonight or early in the AM tomorrow. All the dives have been completed and I've gotten all the samples that I need. Building seas are expected for tomorrow so there isn't any sense in staying out.

I'm looking forward to getting back, off the ship and away from all the tensions. I packed up my gear and as soon as we are tied up and the gangway down, I'm leaving.

I don't have to be back out here for another two weeks. I don't mind being at sea but think that there are too many discontented people on board. It makes it hard to stay in positive mode. Today I read a lot from Walk in Dry Places. My room is like a cave--low temperature, dark with no port hole, and when I draw the curtains around the bunk and crawl under the comforter, it's a pleasant feeling of isolation. I know then that I'm back into myself.

Anyway, I read a lot of good stuff from Walk in Dry Places. The reading on Anger-A Dangerous Weapon was particularly relevant. "The trouble with anger, though, is that it's destructive. Once angry we hurt ourselves and we hurt others. Terrible things said in anger leave wounds that never heal, creating problems that lead to more anger."
"The AA program can show us that there is virtually no justification for anger, under any and all circumstances. If we sense it coming on, we have the choice of taking charge of our feelings. If we're angry over another's behavior, we can choose to practice acceptance. "

Self-worth

One of the parts of Step Four in Al-Anon is to assess self worth. I've had moments when I felt confident and carefree and then I've had moments in which I felt totally worthless. In the fourth step workbook, there is a statement that really hits home:

"We hid our feeling of self-worth deep within, and our perspective became distorted. Many of us even tried to conceal that we felt worthless on the inside to the point that we couldn't show any real warmth and concern for anyone, including ourselves".

I know that there are families where the self-esteem of the child is nurtured. In my family, I could never please my father. He was a stern person who was always critical of me no matter how hard I tried. From that critical parental view, I began to think that I wasn't ever going to be "good enough".

I can think back on how many times I was concerned about what others thought of me. For the most part though, if I felt criticized and rejected, I shut myself off from those people. I didn't try to change myself which is a good thing. That system broke down though around those people that I loved. For them, I would try my best to be what they wanted, at the sacrifice of my own well being. Now I recognize those individuals who are judgmental and I am not really concerned about what they think. Sure there are moments when I slip and become self-critical; but I'm beginning to feel that I'm really okay and the issues that others have are not something that I have to own. I still love deeply but if someone really doesn't like the way I am, then there needs to be communication that is clear and a discussion that is rational and loving. I know what kind of person I am and am getting more and more comfortable in my skin.