Thoughts at the end of 2015

I don't do New Year's resolutions. A year is too much to contemplate. When one is just about over, as 2015 is, I do like to look back and see where I need to improve.

My health is good and I ran, walked and exercised my way to 1,193.17 miles thus far in 2015.

I sailed my boat over 90 days and viewed the time spent on her as sacred, a chance to reset my mind and meditate.

I bought a horse who is the most wonderful creature I can imagine. I became a re-rider after years of not riding. It was a learning experience in many ways.

I made new friends, kept my expectations low and was glad that I did. Many of my new friends awakened in me activism that has become part of my life again after too many years.

I grieved the loss of several close friends and much loved pets. I keep their memory close.

I read reviling diatribes and insults that made me wonder about humanity. I saw so much tragedy in the news that my heart ached.

I continued on my path to recovery in Al-Anon through service, meetings and writing here.  Although the latter has become less frequent, I know that writing down my thoughts and reading yours has helped me.

I am not sure what 2016 will bring. But I am going to do my part to stay the course, make things a little better for others and be mindful of love and compassion as I go about each day.

Wishing you peace in 2016.

Taking time to breathe

Time has slipped away from me once again in a string of days.  I am having the time of my life.  Not being in a demanding job has freed me up in a lot of ways. I'm no longer scheduled in my life.  Blogging used to be on a schedule of a daily write.  I don't feel the need to do that anymore.  And I don't feel guilty. Well....maybe a little because I wonder what each of you is doing and if you are okay. 

My hobbies of sailing and riding and working out at the gym keep me physically fit and sane.  My service in Al-Anon keeps me spiritually fit in a compassionate and humble way.  And I have the usual life stuff to do like car maintenance, yard work, gardening, house chores--I hate calling them honey do's because I live here and share the house with an amazing person so I am glad to do my part in our partnership.  

I love everything I do, but I also need time to not do anything and just be. The boat is my best escape for that.  No people around--just me, the waves and the wind. If I don't get that time to myself, then I can feel the gypsy soul take over. I need the recharge time to be the free spirit that I now embrace.  

Having been a driven scientist for decades, I hardly know that person now.  Who was that guy? He thought that what he was working on was the most important thing.  He had to publish a certain number of papers every year and get multiple grants.  He had to do a lot of administrative BS that felt like sheer drudgery. He sat in an office overlooking a beautiful harbor and hardly ever looked out the window.  Most every day, he was tied to the computer, analyzing data and writing.  It was hard to shake off the harness and simply be free. Add to that the stress of living with an alcoholic, and life was not a lot of fun.  

I now take time to breathe.  I have space in my life now.  I make the space and the time to do what I feel is good for my mental and spiritual health.  I don't know how long I will have the stamina to keep sailing, riding, and cross train. I am hoping that I have at least 20 good years left.  But I don't know about any of that.  I just have this day that's ahead of me.  And it seems good and filled with promise.  

I hope that you have some breathing room in your life.  Some time to just be and refuel your purpose and your spirit. 

Not my zoo, not my monkey

I've heard the expression "not my zoo, not my monkey" a lot lately.  It reminds me of my desire to mind my own business and not get caught up in a lot of drama that wreaks my peace of mind (=serenity).

I have spent a lot of time wreaking my peace of mind by being involved in situations that were not only dramatic but harmful and unhealthy.  I do my best to avoid people that create a lot of drama, beckoning me to be part of their "zoo".

Things go well for me when I am around healthy, intelligent, mindful and compassionate people.  Some of these are working a program of recovery and some are simply enlightened enough about themselves to be in harmony with those around them.  I learn a lot from people who are loving, vulnerable, humble and authentic.  I seem to be at peace when I am with them.

But social interactions aren't always idyllic.  Plenty of people out in the world are restless, irritable and discontent with who they are and emit a negative vibe that can ensnare me in the zoo.  Like the saying, "monkey see, monkey do", if I am around "unhealthy" people enough, then I begin to take on their attributes.

Take, for example, a discussion with my wife who is my touchstone in so many ways.  We both have found a healthy way to express our feelings. We have learned to navigate in a relationship that was unhealthy to where we respond to each other with love, empathy and understanding.  Consequently, our love has grown.  We talk about how we feel when there is a misunderstanding, rather than trying to justify, argue, be defensive or make excuses.

Have you been around someone who goes on the attack when a problem comes up?  I have a friend who is a dry drunk but sober for 24 years.  He is definitely restless, irritable and discontent with much in his life.  After a few years of unemployment, he now has a good job.  Yet he complains about having to be "on call" when it doesn't suit his agenda. Nothing seems to be his fault; rather, everyone else is messed up or is making mistakes. If I am around him for any length of time, I begin to feel impatient and irritable too.

So instead of getting sucked into being captured in a cage in the zoo, I detach and get away from people when they are in a hurtful, blaming, angry and vindictive state of mind.  While it is important to me to work on myself and my behaviors, to see my past and present, one of the things I have learned is it is impossible for me get mentally and emotionally healthy while I am involved in unhealthy relationships. If I stay too long, then all of my worst shortcomings emerge. Generally, there isn't just one sick person in a relationship: there are two.

My choices are important because if I find myself in the same situation again and again, then it's my doing that put me in the zoo. I am a "stick it out" kind of person, loyal to a fault. But what that has meant is that I have done the same dance with different people over and over.

I do see my reactions to others have changed in recent years. I don't focus so much on what needs to be changed in them, but about what I need to change and what my motives are for being in a relationship with difficult and unhealthy people. I don't have a magical solution. But I trust my gut feelings.  I observe my dynamics with others, inventory my feelings, detach rather try to change people. I ask myself if what I am doing and who I am with is what I want in my life. Do the people bring me peace? Do I feel loved? Can I trust the person? These are hard questions but necessary for me if I am going to feel uncaged. And that, my friends, is what I place as being most important in life these days.

A Raw Meeting

This afternoon was the men's meeting. I have missed a few of these get togethers in the summer because of being out of town or being on the boat. But today I made the meeting, and it was a good one. Actually, it was more like a gut wrenching kind of meeting for me.

We were reading and talking about relationships in which one person has invested energy, time and focus on another person to the exclusion of a lot of other aspects of life.  That was me.  I gave up so much to live in a relationship with an alcoholic. I couldn't go to a social function and enjoy myself.  I was on edge because of worry that she would make an ass of herself.  I stayed home most weekends to do work around the house and to keep an eye on my wife. And this went on for decades.

Finally, I had an epiphany that I was dying inside.  It occurred after a birthday party at a friend's house.  My wife got drunk and wanted to drive home. I told her that I didn't want her to drive. She grabbed the keys out of her purse and drove off, leaving me behind.  I was too embarrassed to go inside and tell people what happened. So I walked home.  I believe that this was the moment I realized I couldn't continue in this relationship.  Something needed to change. I needed to start living again.

That low point was the impetus that brought me to Al-Anon.  Since then, I have learned to redirect my focus to do those things that I enjoy.  I have bought two sailboats since then.  I take regular trips, sometimes by myself.  I don't give up things that I want to do because my wife doesn't want to participate.  I love her a lot, but I realize that I have life to live too.  Other people talk about their children and family members.  I don't have any.  All the family is dead now.  So it is important that I keep a momentum going to do activities that bring me joy and peace of mind.

Tonight, I went to see the Rolling Stone movie "Sweet Summer Sun".  It was awesome and definitely a mood elevator.  My wife was at her AA home group meeting.  It felt good, after having an honest and somewhat heart-wrenching meeting this afternoon, to go see a happy movie and watch a bunch of guys who I grew up listening to,  jump about and have a great time (Mrs. Moon--you have got to see this movie.  Keith was up close, personal, and incredibly loud!).

I realize that at times I feel lonely.  But I know that I am loved and feel a great deal of love, even though there are moments when the "isms" of alcoholism still hurt us both.  As I said today, I don't think that there is a better human being than my wife.  I trust her and know that she loves me.  And I have found a way to live life more in balance with myself than ever before.  I have learned that resentment kills love.  I have made amends for my part.  And I make no apologies for living a life with the focus on what I want to do.

When bad things happen

This bad news week seems to not be letting up.  I am a news watcher.  I admit that I want to be "informed" but a part of me also wants to see what shenanigans have occurred and how the vultures of the news media work so hard and often inappropriately to eek every tidbit out of a story.  It's as if I am watching a train wreck, not wanting to see but seemingly not able to tear my eyes away as the carrion birds circle over head. 

And basically I am left feeling.....not much.  I have become jaded to the killings, the explosions, the fires, the wounded, the dead children, the messed up and incompetent legislators.  I have news burnout.  Or maybe I am simply accepting that ultimate truism in Al-Anon--I am powerless over just about everything, except me and those beloved animals that depend on me to feed them and take care of them.  So I've made a choice for silence on news for a few days.  I'm not watching anymore grieving parents, people without legs, burning buildings and flabby chinned geezers who proclaim that they know what the American people want.  

My powerlessness was a realization early in life.  I was powerless over my father's attitude and drinking; powerless over my mother's depression; powerless over the animals that got run over in the road; powerless over love and rejection.  But even though I might have known that I was powerless at some deep level, I still suffered in my heart and head from what I couldn't control.  I kept thinking that I could somehow make things right, do things over, and force others to see how wrong they were.  If that didn't work, I could be passive aggressive, self-pitying, and ceaselessly ask "Why?".  Acceptance wasn't in my nature.  

I still have an issue with injustice.  I want to see things set right. I want to see people care about each other, see their goodness come out.  

I'm not about seeing the bad people suffer.  Somehow, I think that they already are suffering, not liking themselves much if the truth were known.  And for those who can't see that they do wrong, and are all caught up in hate, well....those are the ones that will not get it no matter what I do or don't do.  

The injustices of this week will fade a bit with time for most of us.  And there will be a respite in which we move on to something else.  Even the small "hurts" that happen every day can be viewed as an injustice.  What I need to think about is what my part was in what happened.  Sometimes the answer is nothing.  But most times, if I search deep within, I realize I played a role, at least a small one. Admitting that takes away the power of judging and self-pity and  teaches me how not to do it again. Blaming everyone else makes me the victim, and that isn't where I want to be. 

I've made a lot of amends for the hurt I caused others.  I have wounded quite a few people, both intentionally and without my knowing it at the time. In my life, I haven't looked for ways to dull the pain through alcohol or drugs.  I took a lot of it on the chin and in the heart.  I was wounded but not fatally so.  I got patched up and moved on.  And when bad things happen today,  I still feel the pain but somehow the hurt is less than it used to be.  I am not stuck for weeks on end with resentment and righteous indignation. I don't want to strike out to wound anyone else. 

Maybe I have learned that if I am hurting less when the bad things happen, I am able to laugh a bit more when something is funny and appreciate the good times, good people, good books, and good love when they come along.  At least that is my hope. 

Honoring my self

It is cold and raining here.  We have a fire going which I'm sitting next to and typing out this post.  Having a good fire is comforting, reawakening some primitive part of us humans.  And the fall colors are incredibly vivid for this part of the coast.  I drove down our road yesterday and was struck by the trees and the leaves falling gently to the ground.

Yesterday was the men's meeting.  We talked about keeping the focus on ourselves, not in a selfish way but in the sense of owning our own needs and naming them in a relationship rather than seeing the other person in the relationship as the source of all problems.

We did not get very far into the reading before there was a lot of discussion about what part of our selves we have given up over the years.  For some, it was about not having any real sense of self because of being alcoholic.  Not wanting to own any part of being responsible to another was certainly one of the things that we talked about.

And then there was my take on this which was feeling overly responsible to others, to my job, to organizations to the point that I was morphed into whatever others wanted me to be, putting my real needs on hold.  Inside was, and is, the vagabond spirit that wants to be free of responsibility.  So the trick is to balance what I want to do with what I need to do.  I want to sail to some faraway places, but now is not the time to leave my wife to deal with her parents and the farm.  I talk with her about my dreams and wants.  I share my feelings with her and don't hold back.  That has opened up a lot of good discussions and brought us closer together.

I realize that my sense of self has been at times muted and altered.  Just that awareness is helping me to be more mindful of sharing who I am with those I know, without being concerned about what they might think.  It is an ongoing process.

The common good

As a culture, we seem to have little respect for limits.  We want limitless access to so many things that are important for day to day living.  Limitless access to fossil fuels and to fisheries come to mind.  But we also want limitless access to firearms, health care, and countless other things that we consider to be our "rights".

One of the most telling parables of limits comes from Garrett Hardin's, "Tragedy of the Commons".  In this 1968 article in Science, he describes what happened when limits aren't recognized and respected.  A commons was a pasture that belonged collectively to a village. Everyone in the village grazed cattle on the commons. As the number of animals owned by the village approached the capacity of the commons, the problem took the following form:

A villager could buy one more cow and gain the full income that a cow provided. The damage caused by one cow too many grazing the pasture would be small compared with the gain. Of course, the entire community would suffer from the damage because eventually the grass would be consumed. Yet,  every member of the village was motivated to keep adding cows. The tragedy is that, to preserve the commons, the personal freedom of the villagers had to be curtailed.

In the article, Hardin illustrates the critical flaw of freedom in the commons: all participants must agree to conserve the commons, but any one can force the destruction of the commons. Although Hardin describes exploitation by humans in an unregulated public pasture, his commons and "grass" principle fit into our society today.

I see examples from society today in which exploitation seems to be almost a right.  If each person decides to exploit a resource, regardless of what it is, there can be dire consequences.

In Al-Anon, Tradition One states that "Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity."  Unity is based on harmonious cooperation. It means that I am willing to listen to the ideas, feelings, and opinions of others with an open mind. It means that I can share my own views but not insist on promoting my own way as the only way. Without unity, our groups would fail. And without the group, there is no place for the newcomer to go.  Eventually, the whole structure would fail if we didn't think of the common good of all who come through the doors seeking recovery.

Unity also applies in relationships outside meetings. We each have needs and rights, but it's important to also have mutual respect for each other in relationships: with members of our family, with business associates, and friends. With unity, the whole is greater than any of its parts. I may think that I'm right, but it's also important to see the other person's viewpoint and allow them the dignity to do what they need to do. Living with another is much easier when I don't insist that my way is the only way.

Thinking of the common good has to come first in a family, workplace, and society  if we are to function in a healthy manner.  When I start putting my needs above that of my wife, then I know that she won't be happy and there will be an imbalance that leads to disharmony and probably resentment.  If I can maintain balance, thinking of what she needs as well as my own needs, then life is much easier.

When I keep the common good in mind and recognize that I am part of something bigger than just me, I seem to do much better in relationships with others.  I can express my opinion, listen to what others have to say, and reach an agreement that is amenable.  I do my best to let go of the results when I don't get my way.  I can talk things out with others but in the end, my idea may not be the one that is accepted.

I am reminded every day of how powerless I am over others.  I simply can't control what they are going to do.  Even though I consider the common good, another person may be selfish and only consider their own agenda.  I do have the right to state my opinion and thoughts. After that, I have to let it go.