Thoughts on the movie Bill W.

We went to see the movie "Bill W." yesterday.  I had heard that it was good. Many of the local AA and Al-Anon groups were going to see it.  So we went on a date to the movies.

I have to say that the talking and munching of popcorn stopped when the movie started.  No one made a sound during the entire movie.  It was enthralling for me.  I had read some biographies on Bill and Lois but to hear his voice and to see so many archived photos of him was truly wonderful.

The movie started by someone saying “Bill Wilson was a stinking, rotten drunk.” And the story of how he became that drunk and went on to start AA is played out on the screen with some re-enactments but mostly through onscreen interviews with A.A. historians and authors, with current members whose faces are filmed in shadow to preserve anonymity, and through the words of Bill himself.  Then there are the poignant typed excerpts from letters written by Wilson and from his wife Lois' diary.

I have to say that seeing the steps scroll past in the film and hearing about how AA was about to fall apart when Bill wrote the twelve traditions was really moving for me. I love the traditions and wish that more people understood just how important they are in keeping meetings and relationships alive.  I thought that his own personal struggles with depression when he felt trapped as the "deity" of AA was another part of the film that I found particularly sad.

He isn't put on a pedestal in the film.  His use of LSD and marital infidelity is discussed. And his explanation that he is just an ordinary man with character defects brought home the enormous pressure that he must have been under to get AA going, keep it going,  and to not be deified by the organization. On his deathbed, he asked for liquor.  He tried to make Lois feel guilty for not giving it to him.  His asking for booze at the end of his life was explained by his not being in his right mind. At the same time, another says alcoholism is "cunning, baffling and powerful".

At the end of the movie, there are facts that scroll down the page: 30 million copies of the book Alcoholics Anonymous that have been sold, there are 2 million members in 170 countries, and about 60 recovery programs that use the 12-step approach. Powerful stuff.

“He piloted this course out of the very deep woods that alcoholism is,” one recovering alcoholic says in the film.  So very true.

Five year celebration

The house is quiet now from all the laughter and happy dinner conversation.  My wife's home group came by for dinner before the meeting.  It was a good time.  One of the people here was a fellow I sponsor who is also in AA.  He had not been here before and so enjoyed walking through the house and checking out the property.  And another lady came who is also in one of my Al-Anon groups.  She is much loved by us and said that she feels the same way about us.

I was away for much of the day taking my mother-in-law to a doctor's appointment.   She has lost another four pounds and is down to 103 lbs.  All else was good with her.  She complains about my father-in-law and how grouchy he is.  But after 6o+ years of marriage,  I don't suppose there is much that can be done about that.  On the way home, I stopped to get barbecued chicken, hamburgers and french fries for the parents' lunch.  We cook for the parents three days a week in hope of fattening them up.  How much of it they actually eat is out of my control.  They will get some of tonight's meal which was exquisite. 

C. had been cooking for most of the day which is something that she enjoys.  She made her special white clam sauce over linguine,  a red sauce with Italian sausages and meatballs over spaghetti, insalata caprese, homemade foccacia, and macadamia brownies for dessert.  Several people said that all the birthdays need to be celebrated here.  My Al-Anon friends said that I should host a retreat right here at the house with break out groups.  I thought of Lois and Bill--LOL. 

I am so glad that we can share the laughter with these friends.  To think that five years ago,  I was filled with so much fear about whether she would really "stick" with AA.  I remember that she cried when she got home from that first meeting.  We were still so far apart emotionally at that time.  The resentments, fears, lack of trust were all so strong.  I had yet to walk into an Al-Anon meeting.  That would come on August 13.  In the meantime,  C. went to as many meetings as she could find.  But the welcome she received at that first meeting stirred something within her.  I am grateful that she got to where she is today by getting to where she needed to be then.  Thank you, AA.

The turning point

Things have settled down today.  Thank you for your kind comments.  They mean a lot. 

My mother-in-law was checked out at the hospital and released.  Nothing was broken or damaged.  She was happily eating a hamburger after she got home. 

My wife will celebrate five years of continuous sobriety tomorrow.  She is having some AA friends over for dinner.  And she is feeling better.  She has suffered from depression most of her life.  It has not been crippling but nonetheless it has been there.  In graduate school, before I met her, she was hospitalized for depression.  She does take prescribed medication which has helped.  I believe that the stress of dealing with aging parents on top of the trauma of a heart attack has been difficult.  But she is cheerful today and looking forward to cooking dinner for her AA friends. 

We are going to lunch today.  I bought her a card yesterday for her AA birthday.  I am grateful that we both found a new way to live that doesn't involve arguing, blaming, self-pity, and resentment.  Five years ago today we were mired in those sick feelings, and I was ready to call it quits on our marriage.  She would get drunk that afternoon, screaming and crying.  I would feel sick and tired of the loneliness and the repeated horror show.  I know that five years ago today was terrible.  I believe that neither of us wanted to do what we were doing.  We simply didn't know there was another way.  Yet, we were on the cusp of something wonderful. We just couldn't see it then.

I am grateful for being together and growing together.  I love her.  I realize that it takes strength to get through the rough waters.  I am glad that we rode out the storms.  There will no doubt be more but all seems calm today.   Thanks for being here for part of the ride.

"We stood at the turning point; we asked for his care with complete abandon..." from Alcoholics Anonymous

More than one way....

As usual, The Walking Man made a thought provoking comment on my last post.  Here is some of what he said:
I tried the AA way and what I found in every single meeting I ever went to was a clique that if you hadn't been a part of it for a few years at least, you were ignored, no one came up to me and told me about the "how this thing of ours works." Maybe I wasn't wearing the right clothes or didn't know the secret handshake. So I personally have no respect for AA but I do not condemn it either because for some it is their religion. their way to salvation. 

I can't address the cliques in AA, but would like to write about whether recovery programs like AA and Al-Anon are the only way.   For some, like me, Al-Anon is a salvation.  I tried therapy, and it didn't bring home the message to me like Al-Anon has. Yet, I do recognize that there are other ways to deal with alcoholism.

Sometimes there is confusion expressed in meetings about not drinking versus recovery. These are two separate issues for me.  Being sober is but a step in managing the disease.  It stops the physical deterioration that alcoholism brings. Sobriety in and of itself is a huge step, but the disease is in the thinking and actions of the alcoholic and those of us who are around them.  There are those that I know who go to meetings and have 20 + years sober, yet the diseased thinking and "isms" are still there.

What is equally important is learning a new way of living and thinking.  That is what I believe the 12 step recovery programs provide. Al-Anon is working for me because I wanted to change my behavior: the anger, the fear, the judging, the nagging.  I did not feel happy but desperately wanted to change. Until a person is ready for that, I don't think that change will happen.

I believe that AA and the Big Book state that if you can find another way,  then that's fine.  But for those who are "beyond human aid",  then going "cold turkey", toughing it out, and having a will of steel to make it so may not be enough.  The spiritual solution is what many have found to be the solution for them.

Even though I am not in AA, I have been to enough open meetings to hear that many have tried all kinds of ways to stop the disease: religion, family, relationships, sex, drugs, etc.  But what I hear in meetings is that it wasn't until they reached that utter surrender to a deathly bottom did they finally give in and give up to the God of their understanding.  At that time, they were willing to go to any lengths to achieve sobriety, serenity and sanity.

It is a cunning, baffling and powerful thing. And maybe for those who are spiritually sick,  12 step recovery programs such as AA and Al-Anon are a starting point to address the low self-esteem, behavioral and coping problems that alcoholism brings.  No matter what, I believe that the individual has to give in to the process whether it is Al-Anon, AA  or "Sober Valley Lodge".  If something works to bring about the peace and serenity in your life, then stick with it. 

I think that a great part of 12 step recovery is helping others.  By doing so,  I help myself.  What is of most importance is that if works for the one person choosing to work it for one day at a time with one reason in mind, then that is incredible. 

For me, Al-Anon has helped me to find friends,  have a bigger "family",  get acceptance, understand humility, lose fear, and share experience, strength and hope.   I have not received this from any other entity that I have been involved in before or since coming into recovery myself. 

For sure, there are other programs that work. There are other ways that work. When I think about how many people are affected by alcoholism, it is staggering. I have heard that for every one alcoholic, there are 10 who are affected by the disease.  Where are these people?  Maybe they are toughing it out like I did for decades. Maybe they have found a solution in couches and pills some of which will point a hurting person into the doors of AA and Al-Anon and some that will just give the pain another appointment and another bill.  Maybe they write, paint, exercise, cook or have some other passion that is fulfilling.  It is our choice to investigate and discern what is right for each of us.

Each person has to find a path to recovery.  To say that it's the AA way or nothing, or the Al-Anon way or nothing is unfair.   I remain open minded about opinions here.  I do have my own but defend the right of others to express theirs.  Thus, I don't condemn or put down others who choose a different way.  All I can do is share what has worked for me. We all wander in this life. All I am doing is shining a little bit of light that I have. If it helps, I am glad.

The five percent

I heard an interview with Charlie Sheen in which he bashed Alcoholics Anonymous and their "5 percent success rate."  He said that he has his own rehab program at his home, calling it Sober Valley Lodge. He said that he doesn't want AA to have anything to do with it, as if AA were going to come knocking and asking to be part of Sober Valley Lodge.

Evidently,  Sheen has cured his own addiction by closing his eyes and making it so with his mind.  He said that he had to unload 22 years of fiction from AA and thought that the Big Book was "a silly book written by a broken-down fool who is a plagiarist."

I was thinking what it would like if the 95% who were still a mess would move on to Sober Valley Lodge and work a recovery program Sheen's way.  That would mean that AA would be filled with those who really have recovery-- a "stick with the winners" group.

I wonder how many alcoholics/addicts really think that Sheen has the answers.  He professes to be so "successful" because he has a super brain, tiger blood, Adonis DNA, and is a "freakin rock star from Mars".  Those who relapse, as he has, are "trolls".

I wish him the best with his recovery.  Maybe his mind and tiger blood and Adonis DNA will be all that he needs.  I wonder if he thinks about what those around him, his family in particular, are thinking.  His father said "We have to love that much more. We have to be that much more present." But sometimes the love becomes worn down and being present becomes more difficult.

I think that if love and being present could help those who have substance abuse problems,  there would be a lot more sober people.  I tried and tried with love and being present, but it didn't make any difference until the alcoholic was ready to admit being powerless over alcohol.  It also meant that I had to admit that I was ready to surrender and needed help with my own insanity.

Fully accepting Step One is the hardest step for so many of us.  It means giving up control over others. I think that is vital for the five percent who have recovered.  Maybe Charlie Sheen will be one of those who gets it.

Four years sober

My wife celebrates four years of sobriety today. Last night, they had a cake for her and a card at one of the meetings she attends. Her sponsor gave her the four year chip and she told her story. Tonight she is going to her home group meeting. And she is making peach ice cream to take.  C. cooks for this meeting every week and tonight is no exception.

It is hard to believe that it has been four years of sober recovery.  We have eased into a good life together where there isn't the anger and where we focus on the good things that are happening each day. We don't go back over the old agonies of regret that once plagued us. We don't go back into the "what if's" anymore. I believe that both of us can look back now on the years before recovery and see them as a way of life that was chaotic, unhappy, and generally not very livable. But we don't talk of regrets anymore. Maybe those years are just a reminder of what it would be like again if we become careless or complacent.

We both know that we can't undo all those terrible things that were said and done before. We hurt each other under the deluded guise that alcohol created. She pushed and I pulled. We weren't going anywhere with the tug of war of emotions in the relationship. We thought that we loved each other but it wasn't the right kind of love. We actually didn't know how to have a relationship.  I thought that it was about pouring "enough" love into the relationship.  But that love had a lot of expectations tied to it.  Now we are beginning to see that "right" love and all kind of other "right" things are available through being in recovery.

We don't talk about the past. It's not a place to dwell. I live for this day and treat those around me with respect and love. I think that will create a good past now and one that I won't regret.

If you think you have a problem

This isn't meant to be a public service announcement although it may come across like that. I occasionally get emails from people who ask questions about recovery or ask me for my thoughts about a particular thing going on in their lives. I respond with what my experience has been. I can't give advice because I don't have answers for anyone else. Some days I don't have any for me either.

Yesterday I got a comment from a person who is concerned that she is an alcoholic. A lot of you who read this blog offered up hope. I really appreciate that. I am not qualified to share my experience to an alcoholic, other than to say that there is a wealth of information online. Most of the blog links listed on my sidebar will put a person in contact with those who have many years in recovery from alcoholism. Please read their blog and contact them because they understand as few others can what alcoholism is.

There are thousands of people who have been helped through Alcoholics Anonymous. Here is a link to a pamphlet called the AA Program of Recovery. There is much more information on the AA web site.

I know for myself that one of the best things that I ever did was to admit that I needed help because I had lived around alcoholics for all of my life. They didn't make me sick. I did that to myself by trying to control their drinking. So if you have a spouse, friend or relative who is alcoholic and you are troubled by their drinking, there is help for you through Al-Anon. Here is a link to determine whether Al-Anon is for you.

So if you think that you have a problem, either from drinking or from living around it, there is a solution. I hope that you will talk to someone in a recovery program. Going to an AA or Al-Anon meeting is an important step.

Happy Sober Birthday

Dearest C.,
I want to tell you how happy I am that you made a choice three years ago to not take a drink. For the last 3 years, one day at a time, you made the decision to not drink. I can't tell you how many times I wished for that to happen.

It was nice to hear your happiness when you got calls from friends in AA this morning. You found your way to a place where there is much love and support. I don't know whether you will be sharing your story today or not. But I hope that a newcomer will be at the meeting to realize that it is possible to be sober and enjoy life.

I admire you for giving as you have freely received. You have never been one who thought of rewards, recognition, or personal gain. Instead I see humility and a desire to help others. I appreciate that you live by the idea of fulfilling your needs by giving away what you have.

And I see how much you enjoy life. I sense a lot of contentment and joy in you. Whether it is time that we spend together or those things that you want to do, there is peace within for which I am truly grateful. Thank you for the privilege to share my life with you. It's a good life that we have together.

Much love,
Syd

Why the Big Book isn't used in Al-Anon Meetings

Lou posted about her experience of chairing a workshop on sponsorship at an Al-Anon convention and was using the Big Book as an example of working Step Four. A couple of people in the audience spoke up that it wasn't conference approved. So I thought that I'd offer some information that I have found useful as to why it isn't used in Al-Anon meetings (Note: the BB and other literature may be used in step meeting and sponsor meetings that aren't approved by WSO).

Questions:

• Why can’t the A.A. “big book,” Alcoholics Anonymous, be studied at Al-Anon meetings?
• For what Traditions is use of the “big book” inconsistent with and why?
  
• Why is the actual source material that Al-Anon was developed from being put aside?
  
• The “big book” is the authority on alcoholism; why would we keep it from our membership?

Answer: Although Al-Anon’s roots are based in A.A., the A.A. “big book” is not and never has been Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature (CAL). In the very early days of Al-Anon, A.A. materials were used at meetings because we had very little material of our own. When our cofounder Lois W. wrote The Al-Anon Family Groups (B-5) in 1955 with the help of other pioneers and the support of her husband Bill, she intended it as our big book. Bill had not allowed her to write any part of the A.A. big book—even the chapters to the wife or the family—because his book was from the perspective and experience of alcoholics.

“Conference Approved Literature” came about from discussions held at Al-Anon’s very first World Service Conference in 1961. The first few Conferences developed a process to give conceptual approval for the development of Al-Anon literature, and it was the will of the Conference to recommend exclusive use of CAL in Al-Anon meetings. Although the Conference grandfathered in several existing Al-Anon pieces, in keeping with Traditions One, Three, Five, and Six, the A.A. big book was not among them.

The exclusive use of CAL in Al-Anon meetings supports Al-Anon’s First Tradition: that personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity. Al-Anon’s Third Tradition states that as a group we have no other affiliation. According to our Fifth Tradition, our one purpose is to help families of alcoholics. Our Sixth Tradition states we are a separate entity that should always cooperate with A.A.

As it states on page 94 of the 2006-2009 Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual, “It is well to remember that all A.A. literature is written for and from the viewpoint of alcoholics and is not Al-Anon/Alateen Conference Approved Literature. Reliance on opinions expressed in A.A. and other outside publications can distort the Al-Anon approach, particularly for the newcomer.”
The big book is the authority on alcoholism from the perspective and experience of the alcoholic. It does not reflect the perspective or experience of the families and friends of alcoholics. It was not the original source for the Al-Anon program. The original source of the Al-Anon program was the shared experiences of families and friends of alcoholics and their application of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.

Of course, as part of their personal recovery, Al-Anon members are always free to read any materials they choose outside of an Al-Anon meeting. Many find reading A.A. materials helpful in understanding the disease of alcoholism, but since time is so limited it is important to stick with Al-Anon materials in Al-Anon meetings. Those wishing to receive help in understanding the A.A. focus can usually find an open A.A. meeting.
_____________________________________________
In sponsoring, I use the BB and the AA 12 x 12, just as my sponsor had me do. I also use Al-Anon books and pamphlets. The best explanation that I have for not using the BB or AA literature in regular Al-Anon meetings is that these are separate programs. The newcomer who comes to Al-Anon is generally in a lot of pain from living with alcoholism. It could be off putting and confusing for someone coming to Al-Anon to hear information about the "other" program.

I believe in singleness of purpose for AA and the same for Al-Anon. When I go to an open AA meeting, I don't share even when called upon. I am not an alcoholic. But I get a great deal from reading and studying and going to AA meetings. Hopefully this clarifies that we always cooperate with AA but we aren't AA.

I think that Lou's willingness to do service work and step up to do a workshop is a great thing. Each of us learns how the program works. I have learned much from the traditions and why they are important in guiding our relationships with others and in keeping each program "pure".

Cast a wide net

We went to the memorial service for my wife's sponsor yesterday afternoon. It was a beautiful spring afternoon. The large church was overflowing with people, with the majority being from AA.

It was the Episcopal service of my youth--hymns, prayers, readings. But the joyous part were the testimonials to T. Each person stressed how she had reached out and cast a wide net to help others. That no matter what time of day or night, she could be counted on to be there for those in need. And that her spirit was flowing through those she had helped and those who had helped her.

After the service, we went to the home of my wife's new sponsor. She sponsored T. and is another tough AA'er who believes in singleness of purpose and not a lot of BS when it comes to messing with the program. I enjoyed listening to them talk. I feel sure that my wife has found another strong person to guide her as she continues the journey. It is a beautiful program. And God has seen fit to put us right where we need to be.

Road trip

I did the five hour drive to Atlanta and enjoyed it because I had my IPod playing the Big Book study with Joe and Charlie. If you've never listened to their "seminar", they are worth listening to.

The seminars that I downloaded start at the Doctors Opinion and move through the Big Book to the final words of the chapter, A Vision for You: "We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you - until then." (Page 164).

I especially enjoyed their explanation of completing the Fourth Step inventory. Their discussion on resentment and fear was especially good for me. I think that every time I listen to these guys I get something else out of what they share. The "fear" prayer gives me something to think about: "We ask God to remove the fear that ........plug in the specific fears one at a time here.............and direct my attention to what you would have me be."

I look forward to listening to more Big Book Study on the way home.

Double winners?

When I first heard the term "double winners", I didn't really care for it. I couldn't see who would "win" anything by being in AA and in Al-Anon. It seemed more like double losers. Nothing was won in a competition or even a lottery unless there's some sort of cosmic lotto that determines who stays sober and who doesn't.

But now I realize that those who have been in AA for a while and come to Al-Anon have been twice blessed. An AA who has found alanon or an alanon who has found AA is fully working the programs to their benefit and the benefit of all the others they touch with their story. They are winners in this life. They have my respect for their strength and courage to change.

One of the meetings that I go to has many "double winners". I benefit from hearing what they have to say. With their knowledge of both sides of the disease, they provide a powerful perspective because of their life experiences. I also like the idea of having Al-Anon talk in meetings with the focus being on the family disease of alcoholism.

Sometimes conflicts of interest do arise. A friend in the group who has been the GR has decided that he is also an alcoholic so there will be a group conscience meeting next week to discuss his replacement. A decision of the World Service Organization was that Al-Anon members who are also members of A.A. may hold office within their own Al-Anon or Alateen group, but may not serve as Al-Anon group representatives or hold Al-Anon office beyond the group level.

I'm glad that he made a decision to step aside as GR. He has been active and engaged with Al-Anon within the district but had the honesty and courage to set aside his personal agenda for the greater good.

I sometimes wonder

I sometimes wonder what life must have been like as Bill Wilson before he got sober. And I wonder what it must have been like to be Lois who devotedly cared for her husband through the very worst of times when he was a hopeless drunk.

It's amazing when you think about it. Here was a man who by all rights was near alcoholic insanity, about a few days away from being committed forever, and yet he managed to get sober and eventually put together, along with another drunk, the steps to a better life without alcohol. The stories about Bill and his inability to stay sober really indicate that something forever changed in him once he understood the principles of the Oxford group, saw living proof in Ebie Thatcher, and began to help other alcoholics.

And beside him all the way was Lois who did just about everything she could to stop Bill from killing himself. It's truly an amazing story of how two people stuck together and supported each other through a lot of insanity. It's an inspiration for me because it shows the love that they had for each other through so many difficulties. I'm not sure that many people would be so devoted. And it indicates to me that the HP had a hand in his life as the circumstances came together to form the program called AA.

Commercial Free

When I started doing this blog, I wanted it to be an electronic journal about my recovery in Al-Anon. At the same time, I also wanted to write about what I was learning in my program. I go to meetings, and I've heard a lot of wisdom. I read the literature, and I find more to think about. It's all very exciting to me because I can feel a difference inside of me. I also sense that others I know can see that difference reflected on the outside of me as well.

For me to write about what I feel without discussing the things that I've learned in my program seems like only a half effort. My sponsor commented to me after reading some early entries that I needed to offer some solutions and not just dump my emotions here. That seemed like a good idea. I haven't meant for anything that I wrote to be a commercial or recorded message for Al-Anon or AA. At this point in my experience, I guess that I'm riding the "pink cloud" and absorbing so much of what these programs have to offer. It's exciting to me that I'm thinking differently than I did before. It's equally exciting that I feel differently than I did before. Those are miraculous things to me.

Maybe it's because I am so new to the 12 step process. My anniversary date is August 13, 2006. I know what I was like just before that date. I was a mess: angry, empty, wanting to hurt myself, and completely fucked. I used to take a bottle of pills and look at it and think about taking them all. I used to think about crashing my car into an abutment at 80 miles an hour. I used to take out a knife and run it up my arm to imagine cutting myself. So to be where I am today thinking about all this day has to offer is a long way from where I was before.

Anyway, I'm going to still write about my program and what I've learned here. I'll still write about me and what I feel. It's getting the mixture of those things that's important. I am grateful for the comments that all of you make. You have a lot of wisdom to offer. In some ways, it's like having a bunch of sponsors who offer guidance and thoughts. I learn much from what you write and what you tell me.

Well, I'm off to get my day going. It's Saturday, and I'm going to let my HP take me wherever he wants to. Have a good one.

Roundup Speaker Friday night

Last night's speaker was a woman who lived in the area. She came up the hard way and began drinking seriously at 9 years old and got sober at 15. She got sober through the help of the old timers at the Cleveland, Ohio AA. It was as if I were hearing a part of AA history. Some of the old timers were around when the Akron group got started. She talked about how the old timers didn't know what to do with a teenager so they basically surrounded her with love and never left her to her own devices. It was a wonderful thing to hear how they totally took her over. She had a tough lady as her sponsor, an elderly woman who took no prisoners. It was a great story and one that made me see the love and dedication that so many have to AA.

One of the parts of AA history that was interesting was when Deb talked about the Four Absolutes: Absolute Honesty, Absolute Purity, Absolute Unselfishness, and Absolute Love. Her sponsor thought that these were the outcomes of the 12 steps. I hadn't heard of them so talked with her afterwards and she explained that the Cleveland group has a pamphlet that explains these. They are the essence of Jesus's teachings about the Will of God, the ideals for man's life, and the moral standards by which man's thoughts and actions may be tested for harmony with God's will. I found this information very late last night on the Four Absolutes.

This morning's speaker is from Al-Anon. I'll post more later when I get back. It's a day of total immersion today. I told my sponsor that I'm not an AA but from all the good stuff that's coming out of this meeting, I could be a wannabe. What a great group of people. More to come later....

Identifying with others

One of the things that I've come to realize in Al-Anon is that there are a variety of life stories with regard to the effects of alcohol. Some people have had it very rough while others have not been through financial ruin or physical abuse. One thing that we can all identify with is the emotional upheaval that occurs when living with an alcoholic.

When I first started going to meetings, I thought that I had it so bad. Gradually, I came to realize that it didn't matter how bad my lot was because comparing myself to others wasn't useful. Rather I learned that we all had something to share about the effects of living with alcoholism. The anxiety, fear, and general disruption of life seemed to be the common denominators among all of us.

I've also learned that longevity in the program doesn't really indicate how far along you are in recovery. All of us struggle in one way or another with the effect that alcoholism has had on our lives. It isn't a race to the finish but rather it's a path that we walk every day and will likely do for the rest of our lives. When I start to compare myself to others or think that I'm not doing as well as I'd like, I have to remember that this is a life long journey.

At times, I find that I identify more with what is said at AA meetings than in Al-Anon. I think that the insight of the AA's is more honest and their solutions more useful to me. Some of the Al-Anon members do a lot of hand wringing. I've been there so I know why that's necessary. What I'm wanting to hear though are ways to move past the hand wringing. That's why I like to balance my time between AA and Al-Anon meetings whenever I can. The perspective of the alcoholic is one that I need to hear.

The whole world needs a 12 step program

Have you ever noticed how things just slow down and chill out when you finally "get it" about recovery? All the things that used to burn my fuse seem so insignificant and distant to me now. I'm actually surprised when I encounter something that seems to burn someone else's fuse. Traffic and driving is a good example. I have a 5 speed car so I shift into neutral at a stop light. It may take, say, 2 seconds to shift into first from neutral but you would be surprised at the number of people who will beep or shake their head or fist while I shift. It's as if they are already having a bad day and it's only 8 AM.

My friend D. has an old car but it has a good engine. He's a gear head and can put a car engine together just for fun. I know that he used to drive fast and be a hell-raiser before he decided that he would rather live than die from alcohol at 28. When we're driving in his car on a street and someone is tail gating him, he'll say, "Well, I think I'll give Mr. SUV some room and let him pass on by. He's obviously in too big a hurry to enjoy the day." Then, he'll pull over to the side of the road. D. has that live and let live philosophy from being in AA for many years.

What I think is that the world needs to be in a 12 step program. I can't think of many people that I know who wouldn't benefit from a little of the Live and Let Live, Easy Does It, First Things First, and How Important Is It philosophy. When someone at work starts taking themselves too seriously, I think "How important is it?". When someone starts going off on another person, I think, " Easy does it". When I have a bunch of choices to make about the things that I'm asked to commit to, I think "First Things First". And when I see someone making an ass of themselves at a social function, I think, "Live and let live".

There aren't many times in a day that the teachings of Al-Anon and AA don't pop into my head. They provide a means by which I now live my life. I've been to church and read the Bible but nothing has touched me as much as reading the BB and the Al-Anon literature. There's such a sense of peace that I get from meetings. It would be great if all those people who are rushing about to get nowhere would be infused with some of the 12 step ideology.

Bon voyage

Today, I saw my best friend leave for a few months. We've shared a lot of great experiences, ideas, and general good times for a while. He's been in AA recovery for many years and works his program diligently. He was really the one responsible for my finding Al-Anon since he knew that I had a lot of craziness going on at home. He finally said that I needed to go to an Al-Anon meeting and that my SO needed to go to AA. It's made a big difference in my life. None of the therapists ever suggested Al-Anon to me, even though they knew that my home life was a mess and that my SO's drinking was causing me a lot of anxiety.

It took a member of AA to make the suggestion that has really changed my life for the better. He's got a good sense of humor and has shared a lot of funny stories from the Grapevine, the AA publication. He's also shared some good lines from some of the old timers in AA. We generally find a lot to laugh about. One of the things we recently shared in conversation was that in Al-Anon we're trying to focus on ourselves while in AA, alcoholics are trying to get the focus off themselves. He also said that in Al-Anon we want to get in touch with our inner child while in AA, alcoholics are trying to not be childish and grow up. He also told me about an irrasible old timer who was accused of chasing some newcomers away with his brusqueness. When confronted about driving the newcomers away, the old timer said, "Well if I drove them away, liquor will drive them back".

Anyway, I'm wishing calm seas and a true course for my friend D. He carries his BB with him and his 16 year chip. I know that wherever he is, he'll be okay.

The Promises

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not.

They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

They will always materialize if we work for them.

Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84

These promises provide me with great comfort and hope.

The new freedom and new happiness is coming, albeit slowly. I have more and more moments when I do feel free and happy. I think that if I keep coming back, those moments will expand into hours and then days.

I'm already learning that my past is something that I need to understand but not fear. It has shaped me to be who I am but not all of it was bad.

I am working hard to find serenity and peace. That will come in time and as I work the steps.

My experience has benefited others, much more than I had ever imagined, through the opportunities to share thoughts at meetings, to chair meetings and to make new friends.

I believe that I am much more compassionate than I have ever been. I have been selfish in the past with focus on the wrong things.

As far as self-seeking, I'm trying to understand and take care of my self but know that I don't have to do this alone.

When I see others who are deep in their dispair and struggling, I feel empathy for them and see my own challenges and character defects in a different light.

I believe that eventually I will have a new attitude and outlook. Part of that is working within me now and helping me to see how lucky I am and how grateful I am for so many things.

When I feel most confused, I turn to prayer, my sponsor and my HP. It takes courage to work the program and I can't do it all by myself.

Chairing an AA meeting

I had the most amazing experience today. Once again, being out of town, I went to an AA meeting. It was a couple of blocks from the hotel so I arrived a bit early. There were two guys there and they introduced themselves. While I shared some coffee with them, I explained that I was a guest and affiliated with Al-Anon. One of the fellows asked if I would chair the meeting. I indicated again that I wasn’t with AA but with Al-Anon and that I wasn’t sure that it was appropriate for me to do that. He said that it was okay since there were NA’s there and it really didn’t matter. I felt a bit unsure but decided that if I was being asked to do something then I needed to go ahead with it. God knows, I needed to be at that meeting today so I wasn’t about to get caught up in propriety. For some reason, I felt that I was being guided to do this and just trusted that it would all be okay.

So the upshot was that I chaired an AA meeting. I also was asked to be the first to share my story which I did. There were about 10 people present at the meeting and each one who shared indicated that my story reminded them of why they needed to stay sober and of the pain that they had caused others. One fellow said that he had committed crimes on a daily basis during his years of alcohol and drugs, had been to thousands of AA meetings but had never heard an Al-Anon speak. He said that the honesty and courage that I expressed were to be commended. I felt very welcomed and had a sense of well-being that put me at peace. I’m very grateful to have had the opportunity to share my story twice this week in the fellowship of AA.