Intolerant of intolerance

I have read some interesting and troubling stuff this week on news sites.  I made the mistake of watching a few news programs and reading on line.  And it has made me want to retreat once again away others because it seems that there is zero tolerance for those who are different. Sad, isn't it--how little the feelings of others matter. I am appalled at how mean people can be, especially when hiding behind a computer. Sadly, I am getting to the point that I would rather not be around anyone who is intolerant. I guess that makes me intolerant of intolerance! I like to think of it as discernment though.

It seems though that everyone feels "entitled".  People have an opinion and are entitled to express their opinion, even when it is cruel and hurtful.  I  have opinions, but I do my best to have balance in how I express them. I remember that keeping my mouth shut can be a valuable thing to do. Entitlement seems to one of the catch phrases of today-- I am entitled to express an opinion, I am entitled to practice freedom of speech. All true, but sometimes it is best to consider and measure my words so that I don't do damage to others. THINK is a good program acronym--is what I am saying thoughtful, helpful, intelligent, necessary and kind?

I find that social media is all about airing private things in public. No matter what we post, it is open and out there for anyone to see. It can be deeply personal or it can be neutral--yet it is still available to people, many of whom I have not met in person nor do I know that I ever will. I question doing this quite often. But isn't being on social media a little bit like watching a train wreck? We are all voyeurs in some way which is why we are here.  We like to know what is going on with others.  And it seems that sometimes the most comments come when someone is having a hard time.

I am not referencing us bloggers who have been communicating for years, but to those social media outlets like FB and Twitter where people seem to take a delight in hiding behind a computer to cut, bash and argue with others.  My wife shows me comments from "friends" about how gays and lesbians are going to Hell because they are not following the Bible.  And the trans community is most definitely damned because they have changed from God's image. Neither one of us understands this vision of a Higher Power.

I think that unless people are hurt, abused or oppressed, they can live the lives they want.  I am reminded over and over of the mantra in Al-Anon that it is none of my business. I wish that others would learn to mind their own business, live and let live, and view others with compassion.  That seems to be a much better way for me to keep my serenity--in addition to not watching or reading news.

Birthday night

Tonight,  there were two birthday celebrations at my home group.  One was for a lady with a year, and the other celebrated 19 years. I think that this was a particularly tender meeting.  All of us had a lot to share about life and who we have tried to control and how we have failed in expectations of others. 

The following was a poem shared in one of the cards tonight.  It sums up what it sometimes feels like to live this life and to find a solution that helps to get through it, move through it, and be okay.  

There is no controlling life.

Try corralling a lightning bolt,

containing a tornado. Dam a

stream and it will create a new

channel. Resist, and the tide

will sweep you off your feet.

Allow, and grace will carry

you to higher ground. The only

safety lies in letting it all in –

the wild and the weak; fear,

fantasies, failures and success.

When loss rips off the doors of

the heart, or sadness veils your

vision with despair, practice

becomes simply bearing the truth.

In the choice to let go of your

known way of being, the whole

world is revealed to your new eyes.

Outside issues

Sitting at a green light waiting to make a left turn with oncoming cars. A horn honks behind me telling me to go. I am in no hurry to obey their request for a head on collision so I sit, waiting for the right time to move. They honk more, gesticulating to let me know they think I am an idiot. I grip the wheel, going my best to block out the horn and an image of myself opening the door to go quickly to their car, knock on the window and ask "WTF do you think you are doing?" Instead, the green left turn arrow comes on. Saved by the arrow and my own realization that wanting to have a confrontation over this silly drama is crazy.

In a meeting, I listen to an elder "statesman" tell a young man that he doesn't belong because he needs psychiatric help. The man sits with a pleading look, like a kid who has been publicly called out by a teacher in class. I wince at his distress and wonder why someone would want to dispense medical advice at a meeting.

I come in contact with people who are rude about their opinions. They stress to me that the problems with the country are due to one man who took office 3 years ago. They talk to me as if I would agree. I share my opinion and am immediately told how wrong I am. I feel as if I have been shut out.

I meet with a young man to work the steps. He tells me that we need to meet every other week because he is too busy. He has too much pressing stuff to get together. I listen and realize that it is not up to me to enforce the schedule.

All of these are real life situations that could easily get me going down a path of anger and resentment. I know that being confrontational is not a solution. And resentments simply seethe under the surface of my psyche until they build up to reach explosive proportions.

In meetings, there are outside issues that aren't addressed by Al- Anon. Religion, mental health problems, politics are examples of topics that Al-Anon has no opinion about (Tradition Ten).  Someone will generally get the topic back on track by stating that outside issues aren't addressed.  What is difficult for me to do is to embrace that ideal in my real life.

I have opinions on many things. Some of these opinions are strong. What I find is that I can express my opinion without being opinionated. I don't need to get my way or have everyone agree with my point. If I let others have their opinions without trying to change them, then I am not expending emotional energy that will deplete and defeat me.

I like the idea of participating in conversation. Having a dialogue is much better than trying to have my way or carry my point. I am working on this.  When I embrace the philosophy of "live and let live", I am a much happier person.  I can get along with others by accepting that they have a right to express their thoughts.  Restraint of tongue and pen is a good thing.

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family. ~ George Carlin

Live and let live is a pretty good philosophy. If the guy in the next lane isn't buckled up, why not leave him alone? ~ Anonymous

Solutions

My solution for what I wrote about yesterday was to talk directly to the boat and business owner. I expressed my concerns over what I had heard and observed. I mentioned that another person who has been on the boat during tours made a similar observation.

The owner listened to my concerns and said that he will have a talk with the fellow about being too friendly with the kids and not being professional. He obviously does not want any problems with his business. I know that I did the right thing by going to the owner with my concerns. If nothing improves by the time that tours for school children resume in the fall, then I will say something to the fellow himself.

I realize that Live and Let Live does not mean condoning inappropriate behavior. And it doesn't mean that I stand idly by while harm is being done. My tendency is to be direct and not mince words. I simply need to process things a bit before I take action. Many times in the past I have shot from the lip in a reaction and regretted not taking time to THINK. When I can check to make sure that what I am saying is thoughtful, helpful, intelligent, necessary and kind, then I am on solid ground. I believe that I did that in this situation. Thanks as always for your input.

On other matters, C. and I are taking shifts in staying with her parents at night. There is help during the day but not at night. I stayed last night and will be staying for the next two nights. Her mom needs help getting to the toilet. I am strong enough to do this. I am glad to help out. We are cooking healthy meals for them. Last night, I read to her mom until she dozed off. C. has put fresh flowers in the room and sachets of lavender about. Many of these ideas came from a great post on Recovery Archive that helped me to move past any awkwardness I felt. I am grateful to Irish for her posting following the death of her dad.

Although the carefree retirement days are temporarily in hiatus, it is all okay. Even Huck Finn had a hiatus from his river life but eventually got back to it.

"It's lovely to live on a raft. We had the sky up there, all speckled with stars, and we used to lay on our backs and look up at them, and discuss about whether they was made or only just happened."
- The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain

Monday thoughts and my compass

I am still tired from the past week.  It felt wonderful to sleep at home.  The dogs were thrilled to see me.  The cats crawled on my back.  My wife was relieved that I was safe and reasonably sound.  I expect it will take a few days to get over the tired feeling.

The news today was filled with great exultation over the killing of Osama Bin Laden.  While I am glad that he is not a threat anymore, I don't feel celebratory about the whole thing.  Killing is not something that I like and rejoicing in the killing of someone, no matter how heinous, seems strange.  I feel a bit solemn about it, considering how many lives have been lost and how many billions spent to culminate in this event.  I like celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, and happy times.  His dismal countenance, dismal deeds, and dismal death don't make me want to celebrate.  

Tonight, I will be doing the meeting topic on Step Five--Admitted to God, to ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. I have found this step to be such a relief.  And every time that I hear a fifth step, I feel comforted that the person is opening up and getting some of the weight of the past sloughed off.

A lot of people dread this step.  Some don't feel worthy to tell someone about their past or wrongs.  Some think that they will be judged by the person listening.  What I experienced was acceptance. I was accepted. I was accepted as I was, and I was able to dump all the pretense and BS and move on. I was  lighter.  The fifth step experience did a lot to me and a lot for me.  I felt trusting and trusted.  It certainly changed how I looked at myself and others--not with self-effacing dislike but with a degree of tenderness that I had not experienced before.  I could truly say, "This is who I am, defects and good stuff.  All me."

I think that I truly began to feel peacefulness when I did my fifth step.  I trusted my sponsor and what I heard in Al-Anon that I would have a joyous life if I would deal with my past.  By telling the truth to another human being, I felt accepted and experienced true humility for the first time.

I knew that I had been so lonely and crying out on the inside since I was a child. I just didn't know how to bring people closer to me. To try and fill that need I have done some really insane things. I have heard that we are filled with a huge hole in our psyche from alcoholism.  I had hoped that people would fill that hole but that didn't work.  I realize now that only the God of my understanding can fill up that hole.

I still struggle with my defects.  But I realize that coming clean and being honest about my past, my feelings, my wrongs lifts a big burden and brings a sense of release.  I had finally told another person things that I had never told anyone else. And that brought a sense of freedom, tranquility, serenity, and peace within myself. I have gotten better self-knowledge--another term, as I see it, for humility. I have gotten a deeper, surer, more grateful sense of living.

And that is what I want to celebrate today--living.  The peace within is what I am so grateful for in recovery.  I can go through tumultuous things now without feeling so lost and anxious.  I believe that my internal compass is set on a good course at last.

Good samaritan?

God, what a day yesterday.  I was so tired when I got home around midnight last night that I didn't even shower.  I just fell into bed, hugged C. and told her I loved her, patted Mr. Moose on his needle nose that was stuck in my face, and then fell asleep.  I did not read a blog, I did not write a post.  I also did not eat much or drink enough water.  I was emotionally and physically drained.

I'll tell you about the day.  The morning started with my going to a fast food joint near the boat yard. I don't go to fast food places anymore.  But yesterday morning I was hungry and in a hurry.  First mistake.

 

The drive through service was backed up about a half mile, so I went inside. Second mistake.  So I ordered a biscuit, sat down at the plastic table on a plastic chair and was about to wolf down the biscuit and get out as quickly as possible when a young man came rushing up to a young woman who was standing in line.  He started yelling at her.  He had his fists balled up and was pacing back and forth yelling at her like a maniac. 

I looked up at the other people in line who were pretending as hard as they could that both these people would disappear.  The young woman was telling the crazy guy to please be quiet and to stop.  But he kept yelling to not give her any food because she stole his money.  And he said that he was going to beat her.

Bingo. He said the wrong words.  I looked at him as he was maybe five feet from me.  And I said something like "You need to stop yelling at her and leave now." God, I hate myself when I get in protective mode.   I cannot stand to see someone cowering and being threatened.  This guy was not big but he appeared to be high on something.  I thought that perhaps a fairly stern warning would evoke some flight response. 

Instead he came over and started getting in my face.  So I got up, towering over him, and said that I was going to get my phone (the one time I left it in the car) and was calling the police.  Okay.  That should make him leave, right?  Nope.  He follows me outside, yelling at me, with the young woman telling him to stop.  The frozen people in the fast food joint were watching all this without moving a muscle, pretending still that this is just normal and continuing to order their whatevers. 

So I go to my car, not really turning my back on him, but telling him to get away from me as I was calling the police, and he might just want to head on out.  He just kept getting in my face and screaming at me.  He told me that he could do what he wanted to his wife.  He could yell at her and hit her if he wanted. His fists were balled up, and he was acting like a crazy man.  I told him to get away from me.  I was seriously getting ready to plant a size 13 foot right in the middle of his chest followed by a hard right to the face,  when I saw a police car.

As luck (or HP) would have it, a police car drove by just at the moment and slowed for the light.  I walked quickly to the police car and told the officer that there was a domestic dispute going on right here, right now and to turn around.  He did a U turn and within seconds was right there.  Within a minute three other police cars were right there. 

So the police get out,  start talking to the guy who said that I was making threats at him.  Everyone went off to their respective corners--me with one officer, the girl with another, the fellow with another.  A fourth was standing amongst this happy little enclave ready to taze or do whatever was necessary if any of us made the wrong moves. 

So I told the officer what happened.  He told me that I could go back in the fast food joint and wait until he talked to the other two.  So back I go to purgatory.  I am looked at like I am some kind of homeless guy making trouble when I go back in.  I was wearing jean shorts, a tee shirt, a two day old beard and probably had a nervous twitch by now.  So I can see the confusion. 

The lady who I took to be the manager came over and asked if I was okay.  I wanted to say, "Yes, I do this every day.  It is a great way to get a huge adrenalin rush in the morning." But I said I had been better.  She said that those two were regulars but "He don't usually act quite that bad." Great.  I can only imagine having  to deal with the regular crowd every morning. 

The policeman then came in and told me that the fellow didn't actually make any physical contact with his wife or me, so he couldn't be charged with anything.  He is known by the police as a guy with temper problems and a few other issues that he didn't go into.  He thanked me for stepping up as a "good citizen" but cautioned against getting involved in the future.  He said the best thing would be to quietly step outside and call the police. 

Yes,  I definitely heard him.  I know how stupid I was.  The guy could have had a knife or a gun.  I know that something in me bubbled up when I saw nobody making a move to do anything.  It was like I couldn't help myself.  It was something deep and instinctual. 

So I left, got in my car, and drove past the guy who was surrounded by three police with papers in their hands.  I guess he was getting charged with something or being given a warning.  The young woman who he said was his wife was sitting alone on the curb with her head in her hands.  I rolled down the window as I drove past and said, "Take care of yourself."  She wanly smiled and said thanks.  That was it. 

When I got to the boat,  I had already beaten myself far worse than that guy would have.  Thankfully, the engine started, and I was able to get underway.  All of that went smoothly.  But instead of enjoying the first thirty minutes of the trip, I was continuing to beat myself up: "You know better. You could have gotten up and called outside. What were you looking for--a fight?".  Sigh. 

But I gave myself those thirty or so minutes and then I focused on the buoys and markers, calling the bridge tender to open the bridge, and the boat which is magical and beautiful.  By the time I got to the marina,  the residual of the experience was just about gone. 

For the rest of the day, I just worked on moving things from my 22 foot faithful boat to the new beauty.  I felt a bit like I was hurting the love of my life. 

Later I went to engine class where we had a good laugh over the misspelling of winch on a handout sheet.  The instructor had written "wench" instead.  You can only imagine what "hooking the strap on the wench" evoked.  Goodhearted laughter felt good.  And the two women in the class had a good laugh with the rest of us as we ribbed the instructor who is an older gentleman and hadn't a clue what his mistake was.  

Then I went back down to the boats to check on them and check the bilge systems, do some caulking on one of the hatches, and hook up to shore power.  Finally, around 11:30 PM, I headed home to another kind of refuge, worn out but with my head cleared of the day's events.  I will repeat from my previous post: Life is an apprenticeship.  I am still an apprentice.

Thoughts

I appreciated your comments yesterday.  The great thing about being in a 12 step program is that nothing stays static. Every day is a new adventure in living. I realize that this is a difficult time for me.  I have worked in this career--it is more than just a job--for a very long time.  I studied hard to achieve the successes that I have made.  And yes, my identity has been tied up in my career.

I think of myself as a scientist. So I suppose it is only natural that there are moments when I confuse the job here with my profession.  The profession and the career can continue if I choose to do so. That is such a comforting thought.  I am not giving up my degrees, my publications, my knowledge or my experience--I am simply leaving this place of employment.  And I can always come back here to study or write and be welcomed.  I liken this to the analogy of  leaving Al-Anon for a while and then coming back.  I will feel comfortable because I know the program and can bet that I will be welcomed with warmth. And so it is with my profession.

So last night, I went to the study group and the meeting afterward.  I thought that the topic of "thoughts" was particularly appropriate.  Thoughts about myself have run the gamut from "you are a great person" to "you are such a mess and a f##kup".  I'm tending to listen a lot to the "good person" part of me more and more.

And that brings me to a great post that Smitty had on her site.  I asked her if I could reprint it here:

Nothing is more important than that I feel good about who I am. Therefore, I am going to do my best to put aside anything but positive thoughts. This means that I will try to think only good thoughts about you. While you may think this is wonderful, there is one catch: I may have to distance and detach from you in order to do this.

If I must distance myself in some ways as I learn to find a positive place of focus for myself, it is my hope that you will not take it personally. From this point on, I will not be able to listen to your fear, your criticism or your anger, as I cannot feel whole when surrounded by negativity. In order to stay in a positive place for myself I am going to detach, with love, from all that is negative around me and focus on only attracting positive things to me.

This will allow me to see things as they really are, for I cannot grow from a place that is full of frustration, anger, despair or feeling overwhelmed, through over-emphasizing the negative.

You may feel that I no longer care or will no longer be there for you. I can assure you that I will be consistently trying to think nothing but positive thoughts for you too. I will focus my thoughts of you on my hope that you get the desires and passions of your life. I will care that you find your happiness and joy. However, I realize that I am not the creator of your joy and that only you can create the things in your life that you want.

If what you want is a sounding board for your miseries or a target for your anger, then I will not be there for you. I am committed to finding joy in my life and wish for us both to thrive. If you choose to join me in accepting life on its terms, and in thriving through difficulties in this new way, I welcome you to be with me, but there will be no room for negativity. If you try to join me in negativity, then I will need to put myself first. If I find myself staying in your negativity, then I know I have some quiet homework to do! Cleaning up my side of the fence may require that I leave the scene and detach with love.

Today I am painfully aware that I cannot be weak enough to make anyone else strong, or sad enough to make anyone else happy, or confused enough to make anyone else clear, or passive enough to make anyone else a leader. I cannot and will not lose me to make a better or more complete you.

I will focus on my own desires and eagerly travel on my journey to finding joy. The measure of my success will be how much joy I attract from others and how much joy I share with others. Can you live with your joy? Then come with me, if not, I will venture forward on my own, hoping we may meet again in a new way.
 

Wishing you a good journey on this day.

So glad that it's Friday

This has been a long week for me. I'm very glad that today is Friday. I had my biweekly manager's meeting today. Dealing with a parental director who is a control freak is taxing. I just keep my mouth shut and do the best to get through the meeting.

It seems that every moment of the week has been filled with activities. I've been to three meetings and had two other sponsee meetings. I've finished up some service work for the district and will be attending the district meeting tomorrow. Plus, I've done my work for which I'm gainfully employed. Add to that last night's work on the boat's electrical system, and I'm a tired puppy.

I have also stayed up way later than usual being glued to the news. It's like watching a train wreck. Finally, I get enough of the bickering to see that nothing is going to be resolved. I am stunned at the amount of misinformation being slung about and the malevolence that tops that off. It does not make for much serenity.

Last night, a suspect was arrested in the murder of a friend's sister that I wrote about last month. She was involved with drugs, got in with some bad people, and was shot. Now a 21 year old has been arrested. So the family will now have a long ordeal of the trial and all the stuff that goes along with that. I am afraid that my friend may be drinking too much. She is gaunt, hollow eyed with grief and anger. She is driven to see justice. I wonder at what price.

I am going to leave work a bit early today. Then I'm going to the boat, taking a nap and working on doing some varnishing (or vanishing--thanks Daave!). More electrical work is in store for tomorrow. Enjoy your Friday.

Meeting places

My home group meets in a moldy old church building with no toilets available. Plenty of times I've had to go out to the grave yard to water a bush or tree. The building has ceiling tiles that have fallen in to expose insulation. The heating and AC aren't working well.

Yet, there is a brand new church just across the road. Apparently, there are issues that the vestry has with whether or not the AA/Al-Anon groups should have access to the new building. A TV disappeared from the old meeting building over six months ago. The AA fellowship was blamed for the missing TV.

There are other meeting places in the area where funds were stolen. This resulted in a lot of hard feelings as this was an AA club house that had a safe in the floor. No one was ever arrested for the theft of the money.

I've also noted that meeting attendees could be more respectful and considerate of the people who share the facility with them. Cigarette butts left outside on the grounds are a major issue. People are often inconsiderate about where they park their cars.

Complacency can allow some of the things to happen that are inappropriate. One member described complacency as "live and let live" disguised. I believe that it is part of the trusted servant status to make sure that meeting places are left in the same or better state after they are used by the fellowship. It is a good idea to remove all evidence of a meeting after the meeting is over. That way no can complain about problems with the fellowship.

I'd like to hear about your experiences and thoughts about meeting places. There is a solution.

Easter morning

For I remember it is Easter morn,
And life and love and peace are all new born. ~Alice Freeman Palmer

Where man sees but withered leaves, God sees sweet flowers growing. ~Albert Laighton

Well pleaseth me the sweet time of Easter
That maketh the leaf and the flower come out. ~Bertran de Born

Tradition Ten: Outside issues

The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

The principle for this tradition is clarity of purpose. And along with this tradition, members learn to be unbiased, avoid controversy, and have humility.

This means that my view on any given subject can and may differ from that of any member of the group. Our differing views do not change our equality, nor do we need to convince anyone that our view is the right one, particularly in a meeting or public forum.

Meeting are a place where the focus is on my experience using the steps and traditions. They aren't a place for me to take a stand on politics, religion, or any outside subjects. Meetings are a place where we join together with individuals that we might not agree with outside of the program.

I have found that I need to practice this principle when I work with sponsees. I need only share my experience and not voice my opinion or be influenced by any preconceived notions that I may have. Doing this can be a spiritual challenge.

As Al-Anon's preamble to the twelve steps and traditions says, "Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization or institution. It does not engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any cause. If this tradition is followed, it works to keep the fellowship as a whole from engaging in public controversy, but the principal can also be applied to "all the affairs" of individual members.

Within the context of relationships, I believe this means that I'm careful about my opinions and rely on "live and let live". I do my best to avoid heated controversy. For example, if Al-Anon members apply this tradition to their lives then someone else's recovery -- or more importantly, lack of recovery -- becomes an outside issue, allowing them to "detach" from the problems of others and focus on their own recovery process.

I know that I've had many opinions over the years. In fact, I can be quite opinionated about things that I'm passionate about. And it's easy to have my opinions move into taking a self-righteous stand. This tradition is important because it reminds me that I don't have to be worked up over the opinion of another.

One of the things that I've heard in the fellowship is "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy". If I carry my point about my "right" opinion, it doesn't make other people happy and generally makes me feel badly.

Oh sure, I could do a lot of work on a topic and try to convince someone else that my way is the right way based on the facts I've gathered. That's kind of what we do in science! But in the program, I don't need to defend myself to prove that I'm right. I can just let it be. I heard some wise words: " if I'm right, it doesn't need defending; if I'm wrong, it can't be defended, and in either case, the only defense I ever need is God's."

Two years of living

Last night's meeting was a happy time. I took a couple of the dogs and one other member brought her dog. It is the way my home group is--very laid back, very close and very accepting. There was food, flowers, cards, and my friends. It just doesn't get any better.

I focused my story on the steps and how my life has changed since coming to Al-Anon. Growing up an only child in a home where my father drank and my mother denied set forth a pattern for me of self-doubt, resentment, and need. I didn't have a clue about how to take care of myself. I would weakly establish wall of self defense only to take them down when someone would come along that I wanted approval from or who seemed more needy than I was. I kept repeating the same pattern inviting people in to hurt me and reinforcing the fact that I could not trust people or myself. I thought that I had this fatal flaw and that no one would ever love me.

After coming to Al-Anon, I realized that to build my self-worth on what others thought of me was setting me up for bad feelings. And I began to understand that my marriage had consisted of two dysfunctional people clinging together for safety from the hurt that we had experienced. I know that I can't blame my character defects on my parents because they had their own issues and loved me as they had been taught to love.

Gradually, I've come to realize that I can accept who I am without shame. I can accept others without judgment. I can rely on my Higher Power as the ultimate source of strength, caring, and answers. It's like learning how to live at last.

Fake it Til You Make It

I have heard the expression "Fake It Til You Make It" at several meetings. I never really understood how it would help me. I've never been comfortable with the "faking it" part, although I have done it a lot during my life.

I think that it's better to just walk the walk and work the program, keeping honesty in mind, rather than having the "liar" alarm go off in my head.

Nonetheless, I felt like a fake at a meeting on Friday. I didn't want to go to the meeting, instead I wanted to go home, make it an early evening, and get some rest. But I went to the meeting, and generally felt restless and uninspired. The topic was Let Go and Let God. I shared but knew that I wasn't really letting go of much inside of me. My sharing felt like I was "faking it".

I've learned that there's no magic formula to get out of a bad place or to get past the low points that sometimes come along. Doing a quick inventory made me realize that I was feeling sorry for myself and letting my thinking get the best of me. I called my sponsor and talked about the fake feeling I was having. It was important for me to realize that I'm not always going to feel great. And that the times that I feel down because I'm not getting what I want can be an opportunity for me to remember that there's a purpose to life's events. And no matter what happens, good or bad, I can learn to laugh more and to cry less.

So here are some things that help me to get past those moments of dis-ease:
1. Recognize resentments and take an inventory
2. Let go of worries and fears.
3. Live and let live
4. Give more
5. Expect less

I can't go back and make a brand new start to the day, but I can start from now and make a brand new ending to the day.

Cold here

Last night was the coldest day of the year so far. And the wind was howling. I went down to Compass Rose and the waves and spray were coming over the breakwater. I stayed on the boat for a while to make sure that all was okay. It was one of those days that's truly wild on the water.

This morning it was around 25 F and still windy. But the wind died down this afternoon and even though it's still cold, at least the wind chill isn't as bad as it was. I'm glad that I didn't have to do work on the water today.

I went to the noon meeting. The topic was the slogans and how they help with recovery: Live and Let Live, Keep It Simple, Easy Does It, Let Go and Let God, Mind Your Own Business, One Day at a Time. I think that my favorite is Live and Let Live. It reminds me to accept others and not judge them. It also reminds me that I need to practice living. No matter what efforts I may make or emotional blackmail that I can concoct will change the alcoholic. I can't live if I spend time trying to control others. I think that understanding that has not only helped me but it has helped others in my life as well.

Singleness of Purpose

Sharon got me thinking about the singleness of purpose within AA. I read a pamphlet put out by AA that was reprinted from an article written by Bill W. about why the focus of AA should be on alcoholics.

I've talked to my sponsor about Al-Anon and how there are lots of AA's that come into Al-Anon. I've never been troubled by that because the purpose of Al-Anon is to help families and friends of alcoholics. Many alcoholics come from an alcoholic family where they have been affected by someone else's drinking. My sponsor has told me of Al-Anon groups though that have become dominated by AA's to the point that a split occurred in the group.

One of the things that I have noticed in the Al-Anon meetings that I attend is the focus of members on the drug addicted family member, usually a child. For some reason, it's hard for me to relate largely because I have no children and have not been affected by someone else's addiction. However, there is always something in their story that makes me think and learn. So my attitude has been one of Live and Let Live when it comes to Al-Anon. I think that it provides a great learning and spiritual tool for anyone affected by someone else's drinking.

Animal noises

It was hard for me to get to a meeting on this trip because of being on the road so much. I took my reading material with me and was able to do those daily readings and think about the context of my situation. Another great thing though was having a number of downloads for my IPod. The Joe and Charlie Big Book Study series was great to listen to. I’ve listened to this series before but I never tire of hearing it again. Both of these guys are funny and great story tellers. They present the BB in an entertaining but didactic manner. After about 8 hours of listening to them, I feel totally immersed in the BB.

They also tell some jokes that include Al-Anons. One of them goes like this:

An AA, an Al-Anon and an AlAteen were traveling. They needed directions and stopped at a farm house. The farmer said that it would be fine for them to spend the night since it was late and they would travel better in the morning when it was light. The only problem was that there was room for only two of them in the house and one would have to sleep in the barn with the animals. So the alcoholic volunteered to go to the barn. After an hour, there was a knock on the door and the alcoholic stood there looking forlorn. The alcoholic said, “I can’t sleep for all the mooing, grunting, crowing, and neighing. I need to move to the house to get some sleep.” The AlAteen then spoke up and said, “I’ll go to the barn and sleep with the animals. I like animals and won’t have a problem at all.” After about an hour, there was a knock at the door and the AlAteen stood there looking very tired and said, “I can’t sleep for all the mooing, grunting, crowing, and neighing. I need to move to the house to get some sleep.” So the Al-Anon stepped forward and said, “ I knew that I would be the one to go out there and deal with all of this. I’ll gladly go to the barn.” After about an hour, there was a knock at the door. The farmer thought “What now?” Upon opening the door and looking out, the farmer saw all the chickens, cows, horses, and pigs standing there looking back at him.

I have to laugh at how many portray Al-Anons. I finally am getting the fact that in recovery there is nothing more powerful than a long-time Al-Anon. For me, I guess that I would have just laid down amongst the animals and been put to sleep by their animal noises. Live and let live.

Live and let live

It's always amazing to me how you can get a bunch of people together and find either something in common or that outlier that is off the radar screen. I am sometimes the outlier but I also run into people who are outliers but on the opposite end of the tolerance gradient from me. I happened to run into some people last evening that were related to some of the work that I do.

One of the guys in the group, an older man, started talking about how he can't stand men who have earrings. He seemed also to be very homophobic. Now, I really don't get worked up about much of anything anymore, but I do like to have a little fun sometimes when I can. I said that I thought that if someone liked having piercings it was fine with me since I believed in the live and let live philosophy. Then, I lifted my hair that covered my right ear and showed the 10 piercings that I had. I thought that he would pass out. He said a few choice words and began to ask the usual questions of why would I do that to myself and what was I thinking, etc. You know the drill--the incredulity of someone who is heavily judgemental and self-righteous of which we were both guilty. I'm sure that he was thinking how glad he was that he didn't have a son like me and I was thinking how glad I was that I didn't have the same thought processes that he had.

This kind of thinking creates the prejudices that we have in our society. I was guilty of rising to the bait, albeit with humor and not malice, but this indicates to me that my best move might have been to have excused myself politely and walked away. I can think of many times that I've risen to being baited by my alcoholic, only to have an argument ensue that was damaging. I think that Live and Let Live is a very good philosophy and one that I believe in. The interchange that I had with this guy indicates that I need to revisit Step One, concentrating on my powerlessness over people, places, and things. I also need to think clearly about Live and Let Live and letting those things that grate my soul, just slide past like a wake of a boat. They may rock you a bit but eventually the water is calm again and you can get underway.