Sick and suffering

I finished up radar on Wednesday, taking exams in the afternoon. I was relieved to receive a great score, one that I feel I don't deserve.  I was in class with fellows who work full time in the maritime industry and who have spent years at sea.  I was called the "blow boat" captain in class, and also called Dr. Syd. And yes, the instructor was making fun of me.  It's okay though.  I used the tools of the program to not take it personally, focus on first things first, and get it done.

The lack of deserving comes from the familiar Impostor Syndrome in which I think that I don't deserve the success I've achieved.  I think that it comes from the effects of alcoholism, which tells me that my success has come from deceiving others into thinking I am more intelligent and competent than I really am. I fight those thoughts of being an impostor whenever something good happens that brings attention to me in a setting where achievements are noted.

Fast forward to the Al-Anon convention where I had a good few days of speakers and workshops.  I know that I was still stuck in "freak out" stress from the testing mode when I arrived.  I felt manic which is not common for me.  But I was glad to shake off the test stress and shift gears into a more calming place in my head and heart.

A lot of pain and healing was evident in the workshops.  People shared about feelings and healing after the loss of loved ones from drugs and alcohol.  Powerful stuff.  I enjoyed hearing the AA speaker who was engaging, funny and had a great message of recovery.  The Alateen speaker was really good, having so much enlightenment for a 17 year old.  What a great benefit that program is to young people.  I tell a 19 year old that I sponsor how fortunate it is that he is learning about himself at such a young age.

Today, I am processing news of a friend who has suffered a devastating loss from the disease.  I know the disease wants to kill those who embrace it.  If you will, please say a prayer for those who are sick and suffering.  I am hoping that they find their way.


You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.― Anne Lamott