What kind of life was it?

If you had to describe your life today, what would you say?  I listen to many people who live with active alcoholism and addiction describe the other person's life.  They will talk on and on about the alcoholic or the addict, but what I hear about their life is near silence.  They look vacant as they describe what the alcoholic does.  They can recite all the transgressions, the disgusting behavior, the weariness and daily grind of just getting through another day. And I think to myself that I was there--vacant, empty of love, devoid of happiness, and without passion for life.

The unmanageability of a life around alcoholism is painful.  The loneliness is palpable.  No one to talk to about it for fear of shame, blaming ourselves for not being able to be a better wife, husband, father, mother, lover.  Waking up in the morning to have the first thought entering your head be, "Oh God, another day. I hope that I can get through it."  And the last thought at night be, "I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate this person that I am supposed to love. What is wrong with me? Where did I go wrong? I don't deserve this".  This is the "end stage" of an unmanageable life due to alcoholism.

I don't know the reasons that people choose to suffer on.  Maybe there is a huge sense of guilt.  Maybe it's feeling unworthy, not deserving of anything better.  For me, it was all of those, based on a foundation of fear.  Better to stick with the devil you know, than the one that you don't. Meanwhile, the days and years go by, and the despair doesn't lift.  Somehow, this existence seems as if death has already come because going through the motions of living, isn't really living.

At the end of my life, I want  to say that I had exquisite moments of joy.   I want to feel peace and know that I found a life that was authentic:  A life that was well-lived in spite of whatever impediments there were.  And I want to say that I have no malice towards anyone.  I can say that I made peace with myself and others around me.  I learned to live, love and laugh.

"Manageability in life is somewhere up there with balance....It is a process and an ongoing practice of active acceptance, surrender, humility, honesty and gratitude."~Anonymous

Walking away and diving for dreams

We had a nice afternoon, deciding to go to a movie with an early dinner afterwards.  The movie was Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, the 2011 release, and was excellent.  I spent some time in Stockholm, so it was nice to see the old city with its narrow streets and cobblestones.  I have been in December when the snow was coming down in a blizzard, and the windows were lit by the Julstacke lights.

The movie had a lot of powerful scenes but perhaps the most disturbing was the terrible rape of the heroine, Elsbeth.  I had not realized that the author, Steig Larsson, had witnessed the gang rape of a young woman when he was in his teens.    Failing to help her,  he was haunted by the brutality of men against women.  We talked about that after the movie, both of us expressing that there are terrible people who are within our midst, perhaps that we know, who do awful, unspeakable things to others.

I also didn't realize that Larsson lived in fear of his life because of his anti-establishment views in which he sought to counteract the growth of the extreme right and the white power-culture in schools and among young people.  Sounds kind of familiar, doesn't it?

And finally this sentiment:
“Always retain the ability to walk away, without sentimentality, from a situation that felt unmanageable. That was a basic rule of survival. Don't lift a finger for a lost cause.” ~Stieg Larsson

Walking away without sentimentality is one of the most difficult things.  How is it possible to not have some sentimentality, some grief, some regret?  I have too much sentiment,  I think.  I have found it easy to walk away in the heat of anger. That's the self-righteous part when anger fuels the feet and the mind to distance itself.  But, that fuel gets reduced to fumes when the reality of regret, sadness and great loss come in.  I would like to not lift a finger for a lost cause, but I am a sucker for them.  The underdog, the lost, the downtrodden have intrigued me for a long time.  It is a reason that I was attracted to alcoholics and the unmanageable life.  Sometimes you just have to trust your heart, dive for dreams,  and see where that leads you.


dive for dreams
dive for dreams
or a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots
and wind is wind)
trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)
honour the past
but welcome the future
(and dance your death
away at the wedding)
never mind a world
with its villains or heroes
(for good likes girls
and tomorrow and the earth)
in spite of everything
which breathes and moves, since Doom
(with white longest hands
neating each crease)
will smooth entirely our minds
-before leaving my room
i turn, and (stooping
through the morning) kiss
this pillow, dear
where our heads lived and were.


silently if, out of not knowable


silently if, out of not knowable
night's utmost nothing,wanders a little guess
(only which is this world)more my life does
not leap than with the mystery your smile
sings or if (spiralling as luminous
they climb oblivion)voices who are dreams,
less into heaven certainly earth swims
than each my deeper death becomes your kiss
losing through you what seemed myself,i find
selves unimaginably mine;beyond
sorrow's own joys and hoping's very fears
yours is the light by which my spirit's born:
yours is the darkness of my soul's return
-you are my sun,my moon,and all my stars 

~ee cummings