I will meet you there

I talked with a fellow I sponsor about the difficulty of having relationships with those who no longer seem to be on the same wave length.  People change as a result of their life experiences.  And old relationships that once seemed so steady and fulfilling can become stale.  It is easy then to fall into a trap of resentment.

I think that it's a misconception that having a relationship with another human being means happiness and concordance all the time.  Nurturing a relationship certainly takes selflessness, patience and tolerance, even when I may not feel those things.

I don't want to live in solitude or isolate from others.  Yet, I find that I am often disappointed by people.  That is the risk in human relationships.  Maybe it is a sign of growth in myself that I can see the differences, but equally important for me is to understand more about myself and how I relate to others.  I would like to focus on our similarities, rather than go on a fault finding mission.

I know that I am tolerant of differences in people.  How they look, what they wear, their financial status,  where they live are not important to me.  I have a need to connect with people at a deeper level than what the exterior shows.  When I think about all the people who are in my life today,  I wonder sometimes how well I really know them.  But I do believe that we learn from each other, although we may travel on separate paths.

One of my character defects is having expectations that far exceed the abilities of most humans.  I fall short of my own expectations, so there is no need to wish others to be perfect.  Lessons in patience and tolerance are everywhere in my life today: Listening to elderly people tell me the same thing over and over; frustration with friends who are no longer attending meetings; wishing that others made different choices.  But I don't think the people in my life are here out of simple randomness.  There was something within me that was drawn to others.  I am sure that the attraction I felt for my wife was not coincidence.  The close friends I have are those that I connected with at some deeper level.  The lock and key of relationships fit for a reason.

Although I may be tolerant around those I know superficially, I found by doing my inventory that I had little tolerance for those with whom I loved the most.  My tolerance around the alcoholics in my life was low.  I found fault with so much.  Once I owned up to my part in things,  I was able to see that we learn from and teach each other.

Some of the people who may be the most difficult can be great teachers.  That is something that I struggle with.  There is a fine line between accepting unacceptable behavior and having limits to tolerance.  I do my best not to discount my intuition and reserve the right to be wary before trusting everyone. If a red flag goes up, I had best not ignore it.  Yet, I do believe that it is possible to overcome differences and for us to meet somewhere on level ground.

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” ~ Rumi

Twarted attempts

Today has been a day spent in a whirlwind of effort to 1) study for the exam that I will take tomorrow night and 2) get to my regular Tuesday Al-Anon meeting.  I did get some of the studying done, getting through a review of the lectures.  But I was also waylaid for about four hours by attempting to get my wireless printer to print.

I have this incredibly stubborn streak when it comes to getting electronic equipment to work.  I fiddled with the wifi printer for over an hour,  did not get any results so I called the tech support for this printer.  I was on the phone for about an hour with one Tech who was the basement level trouble shooter.  After he could not get anything going with the printer, I was sent to Level 2 tech support.  There I connected with Wayne who worked with me for over two hours.  Wayne sounded a bit German or Scandinavian in his accent so during one of our 15 minute software downloads, I asked him where he was really located.  The caller id said Salt Lake City, Utah. 

It turns out that Wayne is in Manilla.  Although I am sure his real name isn't Wayne, he is a great fellow who was totally patient and a speed reader as he must have read about 100 pages of a trouble shooting manual as we were working on getting this wifi printer going.  After downloading new software and tweaking a few other things, we were able to successfully get the printer doing what it was supposed to do.

Meanwhile, I was keeping an eye on the clock as the afternoon slipped away and the time for my meeting came and went.  Wayne said that I had been extraordinarily patient.  I suppose that I had been.  I was a hostage to my desire to get the damn printer up and going.  So I was finally able to print the documents I needed, but missed the meeting.  I could tell that I really need a meeting.  But once I started with the printer and began working with Wayne in Manilla,  I was determined to see this through.

At the end of the conversation,  I told Wayne that I would like to write a letter of commendation for his help.  He said that as long as we had resolved the issue and got the printer working, he was just fine with that.  He and I shared a laugh when I said that I should buy him dinner. A nice fellow who no doubt works for a pittance of what his expertise would pay in the US.

Maybe I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  Not necessarily where I wanted to be, but where I was supposed to be.  God, I can dogmatically pursue things at time.  Maybe that is why I have had a successful career.  I seek a solution and work to get there.  Maybe that is what I do in Al-Anon as well.  I seek a solution and work the steps to get to recovery.  I know that I have enormous staying power to see things through to the end.  That is a double-edged sword, I suppose.

Wayne ended his day with a success.  I ended mine with a solution.  We both were happy. And I finished up studying the lecture notes for the exam.  Now I am going to bed and will be glad to let go of what might have been different about today.  I missed the meeting but maybe learned something about patience and helped a worker in the Philippines feel happy.  Not so shabby after all.

No coincidence

Well, the chili is cooking and the corn bread is done.  I am making two pots of chili from two different recipes.  And I'm doing the same with the cornbread.  I had a lot of fun this morning cooking and dicing and slicing. C. came in to check on me and make a few suggestions.  No beans are going into the contest chili, but the vegetarian one has beans in it.  Now I am going to clean up the mess that I've made.  I am actually pretty clean when I cook (I'm sure that you are thinking--good Syd, you washed your hands and didn't get any hair in the chili).  Not much was spilled on the floor, and the ramekins saved the day.  I used about ten ramekins for all the ingredients, and they were organized in order.  Just like a chemistry class!

I did a sponsee call in the midst of the cornbread making.  I told him that I would put him on speaker as I finished up what I was doing, if that was okay.  He is doing a fourth step via the long and detailed Blueprint for Progress.  It took me about four months to get through the fourth step, and I wasn't dragging my feet.  It is just a long process in Al-Anon.  Sometimes I would just like to go right to the AA inventory and not do the Blueprint. But a part of me, that part that says "go by the book" (the chemistry class attitude), says to do it the way that I was guided through the steps by my sponsor.  You see,  I can be impatient at times.  It is one of my defects.  I have to remind myself that the more that is revealed in a fourth step, the better things will go when we get to the rest of the steps.  Don't rush the process, I tell myself. 

Yesterday a man called who wants me to temporarily sponsor him while his real sponsor is getting over some stuff that has sidelined him for over a month and a half.   I said that I would be glad to help this man.  When I first met him in a meeting, he was angry, loud and dominant.  I remember thinking that he was not a person I wanted to get close to.  After a year in meetings,  he has changed remarkably.  He still likes to talk a lot, but the anger is gone.  He has humility now and seems filled with a lot of happiness.  I don't think that it is coincidence that he chose me to be a temporary sponsor.  He said that I exuded openness and a non-judging attitude.  Wow--if only he knew what I had originally thought of him when he first came in.  I will share that in an amends at the appropriate time.  For right now, I am grateful to be of service in the interim while his sponsor is getting back on track. 

Tonight is rowing with the team.  It will be good to be out in brisk winds and cold temperatures (for us anything in the 20's and 30's is cold).  After the row,  we generally go to dinner and enjoy some comraderie.  I am glad to have your comraderie on the blogs.  We may not always agree, but we keep an open mind.  That is what you have taught me.  Corny or not, thanks for that.

When was the last time you danced?

"....to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves
Let me forget about today until tomorrow." Bob Dylan

I didn't dance this weekend, although there were a few moments that I felt like it.  The weather was wonderfully refreshing. The sky had a number of diamonds sprayed across it. The beach fire was warm and the sand felt soft on my bare feet.  It was a night for dancing.

I'm not dancing today because I don't feel like it.  I am thinking about a lot of things that are weighing me down, making me feel heavy instead of light. Some of these are dredged up stuff from the past, some are anxieties about today, and some are simply about life's reality and complexity. 

The stuff from the past is mostly about my mother.  There are days when I wish that she were still here. She loved me unconditionally. I don't think that there is a stronger love than a mother for a child.  I know that I wasn't the most patient with her at times, especially when she was depressed or when she began to have signs of mild dementia.  I wanted her to still be the strong vital woman that she was. I eventually came to terms that she was small and old and was leaning on me more and more.  I became the parent to a certain extent.  It is tough to see the winnowing away of those who have been our rocks.

If I could I would ask her to dance right now, a slow waltz.  I am sure that she was dancing those last few days before she died because she told me that my long dead father had come to take her dancing.  I am sure that she was happy with those thoughts.

The anxiety about today stems from my spirit feeling bound and tight.  I am anxious now to move on, to put the work behind me, to stop emptying out my file cabinets and computer.  I feel as if I am attending a badly put together funeral.  And I want it to be over.  The dance music is like a funeral dirge now where it used to be rock and roll.

And life's reality and complexity....well, I am reminded over and over that I have no power to change anyone but myself.  I may not like what others do or say but there is nothing that I can do about that.  The bad choices of others in my life aren't my business.  But if that is so, then where does the anxiety come from when I see the mistakes being made by others?  I remind myself that I can't be the salvation for another.  They have their own Higher Power and I'm not it.  This is a dance that I know only too well.  It's one that has trapped me in the past.  I was caught in its clutches of alcoholism and went round and round with my partner.  I stop and remember that I can choose to sit this one out.   

Sleep in peace

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake." Victor Hugo

It's a nice day outside with blue skies and wisps of cirrus clouds. The water has some ripples from an easterly wind. It's one of those days of neutrality of mind and spirit for me. I'm not feeling sad or sorrowful. Nor am I jumping for joy. I feel placid.

Not so many years ago, I was caught up in all the drama of living with alcoholism. I couldn't see any reason to keep going, to stay married, to do much of anything. Yet, I forced myself to do a lot. I still went to work, had hobbies, did work around the house. But it was as if I were sleep walking through life.

Now most days are easy like today. There isn't anything much on my mind. I've learned patience and acceptance. I've learned to have hope and live with faith.

I've had the great sorrows in life and will no doubt have more. But it feels today as if I can accomplish what I need to and at the end of the day, lay down and sleep peacefully.

That is evidence of God's grace so freely given to me. What a lucky guy I am.

I'm exhausted

Okay, I have to admit that I'm tired today. I feel good in my spirit and mind, but my body is just plain tired. Two days of walking miles on the beach, bending, sifting sand, and riding in power boats that pound on the waves has made my body weary.

I decided that I'm not going to row tonight. Instead, I'm going to go home, have a good dinner with my wife and her sponsor, and then read some blogs that I haven't had a chance to check this week and just chill out. I know when to say "enough" and to take care of myself.

I heard the news this morning about Ted Kennedy. I'm not going to discuss politics, but I do like the idea that he did a lot of good for a lot of people in his later years. I believe that his is a story of redemption. I also believe that people who have a dark side can move from that into the light. I've heard enough in the open AA meetings that I attend to know that people do get a second chance.

Sen. Kennedy had a brain tumor called glioblastoma multiforme. It is the same tumor that my cousin has. I called yesterday morning to check on how he is doing. His wife has some different ideas about how to deal with the tumor and the fact that my cousin has suffered a lot of cognitive disfunction from the radiation and other treatments as he has from the tumor itself. He is combative, incontinent, can walk only with help, and is demanding.

My cousin's wife has cared for him for over two years since the diagnosis. She believes in a healer who tells her of his progress. She believes that a team of dead neurosurgeons lives in his brain and are repairing things. I listen but make no disparaging remarks. Maybe her beliefs are what get her through a day of changing diapers, being screamed at, and having to endure uncertainty. Her beliefs aren't mine, but I've learned patience, compassion, and acceptance in the program. I've learned that there are many ways to survive getting through a day.

She told me yesterday that she could not put him in a nursing home. She simply loves him too much. I shall be lucky to end my life being cared for with such love.

Ups and downs

Friday afternoon with the Brownies was great. I haven't been around such well-behaved children in a long time. They were interested, asked questions, and had a blast on the beach. They even wanted to share their beach "treasures" with others who might not have found as much. It was a really fun time. After we were all back on the boat, they opened up their bags and shared what they had found with the whole group. And they knew the names by then of most of the shells and other sea life. Good kids.

Saturday was a rough day since there was a terrific storm that came up in the afternoon while I was trying to sail back to the marina. I had an agenda to get home in the early evening since I had to take my wife to the airport for a 7 AM flight on Sunday. One of the things that I have found with sail boats is to not have an agenda because so much is dependent on the wind and the tides. So I had the wind and the tide against me as I was trying to leave. I also was trying to sail while 30 knot winds were gusting due to the storm. I couldn't make any headway. So I motored back to the anchorage and waited out the storm and for the incoming tide.

The 20 somethings were partying like crazy on their boats regardless of the storm, wind and rain. They were in various stages of drunkenness. And all I could think about was when I was going to be able to get underway so that I could get home. Most of the time, the partying crowd doesn't bother me. They play music on big thumping stereo systems, grope each other, fall overboard, pee overboard, and fling obscenities back and forth. I ignore this stuff because I know that eventually they will leave, and all will be quiet again for my overnight stay at the island. But on Saturday, I wasn't going to spend the night and wanted to get home.

My impatience did no good. After the storm, the wind died. It was as calm as a pond. The sails hung uselessly. So after an hour of just wallowing, I fired up the engine and motored back. Once back at the dock, I had work to do. I cleaned up the boat, stowed the sails, put the dinghy away, and then headed home. It was nearly 10 PM when I arrived. I felt so bad because I had wanted to spend the evening with my wife. I felt selfish that I had gone out on the boat, tried to follow a schedule, and got a lesson in humility once again.

My wife was glad that I made it back. She had everything packed for her trip to Nantucket. We at least got to sleep hugging each other.

On Sunday, the alarm went off at 4 AM. We had coffee and then headed to the airport. She is looking forward to some cool weather and time with her friends. I got a much needed nap and later talked to her after she arrived at the beach house on Nantucket. The house here seems empty without her. For dinner, I fixed a nice salad with cucumbers and tomatoes from the garden, marinated some shrimp and grilled them, grilled a piece of London broil, and had a warm brownie for dinner. Just me and the dogs and cats watching the rain pouring down from an early evening shower.

Today is a beautiful day but hot. There is no breeze and a slight haze is over the water. There will probably be another pop up thunder storm this evening. My wife says that it is in the 60's on Nantucket. I miss her.

The garden of love

The garden of
Love
is green without
limit
and yields many
fruits
other than sorrow
and joy.
Love is beyond either
condition:
without spring,
without autumn,
it is always fresh.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi

The garden of green is yielding a lot of lovely things right now. There's the heady smell of magnolia in bloom, honeysuckle, roses, jessamine. So many scents blended together and wafting from all parts of the yard.

The garden of love is yielding heady things too: acceptance, compassion, patience, and trust. Those are as sweet as any flower.

Enjoy your Saturday and all that it has to offer.

The Fifth Tradition: Compassion

Each Al-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics.

I really like this tradition. It's about compassion, being non-judgmental, willing, and sharing. This tradition has to do with our primary purpose. With this tradition, meetings stay focused on the primary purpose of helping families and friends of alcoholics.

This tradition also tells me that I have a primary purpose in my life: to express love, loyalty, family and unity in all that I do and to share this knowledge freely with others. I have a healthy purpose of helping others today, rather than trying to enable or control someone like I did before Al-Anon.

I can remember my sponsor suggesting to me that I could encourage and understand the alcoholics in my life by allowing them the dignity to make their own decisions. Understanding is something that has come to me over time. For so much of my life, there was no one to understand how I felt living with alcoholism. Now I am around people who understand, and by sharing my experience, strength and hope with others I gain not only insight about myself but others as well. And by going to open AA meetings, listening to speaker tapes, studying the Big Book of AA, I've been able to understand more about alcoholism--the physical craving, mental obsession, and spiritual malady. Because this tradition is about love and compassion, I am reminded that I needed to learn to love myself before I could truly love others, including the alcoholics in my life.

This tradition also mentions practicing the 12 steps which are my tools to recovery. I've learned to identify my character defects and face my resentments, make amends and move on. Working the steps has brought spirituality into my life. And by coming to trust my Higher Power, I've acquired serenity.

And as part of my recovery and this tradition, I do my part to help families and friends of alcoholics. I've been told to never say NO to an Al-Anon request. I step up to do my part, trusting that God will give me what I need in order to accomplish the task.

The bonus is -- when I am helping others, I am also helping myself get healthier by focusing on someone else instead of feeling sorry for myself. By reaching out to help and comfort others, I gain tremendous rewards myself.

A great part of this tradition for me is to welcome newcomers. I remember those who shared their phone numbers with me when I came to my first meeting. I called every single one of those people to thank them. And to say that I would keep going to meetings. They and many others made me feel that I was where I belonged. So I make it a point to offer my phone number to newcomers and make them feel welcome. I can share with those who ask for my help.Those who do not can be assured of my willingness to share should they ever be ready.They need not be judged or found lacking.

This tradition can also be applied in my life outside of Al-Anon. It is reflected when I have patience and understanding with others. I've always had empathy for others, but now I see how each person, regardless of circumstance, has something to offer.

Patience

I think that my level of patience has increased as I've gotten older. My parents used to tell me that I was impatient about everything when I was a kid. I stayed in that mode for many years. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. Looking back, it seemed like an incredibly selfish attitude.

I've found that waiting for something or someone has it's own rewards. I may think that I want something but now I ask myself whether I need it. If I don't need it, then I can wait for it. And maybe in the future, I might actually get it. It is rare that we have all the planets, stars, and forces in alignment in this life. I have learned with the program and with living life in general that those things that I want to do, have, be or accomplish won't happen immediately. In fact, they may never happen. So, I accept the limitations that I have and tend to work within the sphere that is reality.

For instance, I think some days that I may want a bigger boat. And then I think that having a bigger boat might bring bigger problems, more upkeep, etc. So I don't feel an urge to rush out and act on my thoughts but have learned to appreciate the boat that I currently have. I am grateful just to have Compass Rose and accept that there might be a time in the future when I'll seriously consider a bigger boat, but it doesn't have to be today.

The same thing is true about other aspects of living. I can wish and want until I'm lost in that, or I can learn how to wait. I like the Rolling Stone lyrics, "You can't always get what you want but if you try sometime you find you get what you need. "