Smoothing things out

I am taking a break today from working navigation problems.  Class was brutal over the weekend with 13 hour days spent in class and studying.  I was burned out on Sunday evening but had work to do.

Thus far this week, I have been working on navigation problems for most of the day, although I took time out to go to my home group on Monday evening and to take my wife to an evening event at the city aquarium.  We went out to dinner afterward which really was a break that we both needed.

Tomorrow, I've decided to spend the morning going fishing with C.  We are heading to the creek at sunrise and will have until lunch before the tide is high.  We'll fish the incoming tide for spot tail bass.  I can feel the need for that "cool change" to be on the water.

The Sea School class has been a disappointment in the sense that the instructor is dull, passionless about the material, and not energetic about helping with problems.  He reads the text to the class, almost word for word, except for his mispronunciations.  If I had not taken the piloting and seamanship courses over the last year, I would be totally lost.  Not everyone can impart knowledge, even though knowledgeable.

My solution has been to find videos on line that show how to work the problems and to review material from the previous courses I took.  I think that I will do well if I continue to review and work the assignments given.

This has pretty much been my life since last Friday. I did go by to see my father-in-law on Sunday evening to bring him some deli cupcakes, chips and pretzels for Father's Day.  Tomorrow evening, I have a CPR class, and will begin the full day of class again on Friday morning at 8 AM, continuing through Sunday until 6 PM.

I have no idea what you have been doing but am planning to spend some time tonight doing my best to read a bunch of blog posts.  I can see that if I don't take some breaks,  I'm going to burnout.  The fishing trip tomorrow is going to help me get away from the chart table both physically and mentally.

I know that I have a tendency to hyper-focus on topics that interest me.  I am goal oriented and driven.  It's time for me to strike that balance that smooths things out.

I'll end with a few photos from the aquarium.

New Day

Today is a new day and a much better one than yesterday.  I appreciate the comments that you gave.  It helped me to realize that no matter how bad things may seem today,  I have a chance to start over at any time.  And that is what happened.

Today I found out that my father-in-law is well enough to be discharged tomorrow.  I visited him last night which made me realize how much I love the old guy.  It hurt my heart to see him so weak and wanting to be home.  But today he was much improved and will be going home.

And with that good news, my mother-in-law's spirits are lifted.  After being married for so long, they are joined at the hip and the heart.  They have grown old together, experiencing the joys and the sadness of a lifetime.  That is something that I think about more and more: the comfort of being together for so long.  But with that comfort comes the sorrow of knowing that one day the pair bond will be broken by death.  That is part of the risk of loving for so long and so deeply.

I found that in the midst of all the stress that attenuated yesterday, I could feel my body reacting as well as my mind.  My muscles were tight, my head felt achy, and my emotions were raw.  I could feel how the anxiety was affecting my energy.  I was bone tired but could not sleep until I had gone to the hospital and then checked in on my mother-in-law who was alone.  After that, I simply crashed and slept soundly until 8 AM this morning. 

I am not afraid of feeling sad and fearful when someone I love is threatened.  Thankfully, I am okay with grieving and expressing how I feel.  Today,  I paused, took a nap, went to the boat, attended the electronics class, and had a couple of good meals.   It was a busy day but throughout it,  I felt calm and relaxed.  I had gotten back into the groove of acceptance and had seen fear and anxiety leave.  What a difference a day makes. 

Agitations

"As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day 'Thy will be done.' "
(p. 87-8 BB)

There's been some drama with sponsees lately. One that just started with me a week ago has had the hardest go of it. He is in turmoil from living with a crack addict and finally asked her to leave. He is starting to take care of himself, although the focus hasn't shifted yet from the addict to himself.

Another sponsee is working his way out of the darkness into the light. He is doing this because the quote from the BB above has started to make sense. (Note: I use the Big Book quite a lot with sponsees. There is so much that is applicable to those of us who have bad thinking and not bad drinking).

I see in both of these men the agitation and confusion that alcoholism has brought into their lives. They have tried unsuccessfully to fight back when agitated. But this has only brought more suffering and damage to themselves. I found that agitation itself is dark. I can't sleep when agitated; I can't think clearly; I'm not spiritual--in short, I'm a mess.

I've taken something that someone has said to me and worried with it until I was beyond agitated. My mind will ask "What did they mean? What if they meant this? What should I do now?" I've projected and built up some scenarios that would likely never come true. But with my stinking thinking, I made them seem true.

But if I can just take a breath, pause, and quit re-examining some thought over and over, then I have a chance to get into the light. I can see that the light is starting to creep into the hearts and minds of these sponsees. I think when I was ready to be willing, to trust and to feel some gratitude, that's when I was able to move from the dark agitation into the light.

"When the dark is at rest,
the light begins to move."
The Secret of the Golden Flower

If I reach for dark revelations,
they're always there to find,
But too often dark protestations
defend dark recesses found only in my mind.

Yin and Yang, dark and light interdigitate
in myriad, moving complexes so real.
I reach for the light to illuminate
and hide from the dark that I feel.
Jody Hopkins

We pause when agitated

Today was a day of agitation and irritation. I worked hard to get the mast up and finally got that done. Once stepped though, I found that the forestay wire was twisted at the top of the mast. I thought that all the wires were straight but had missed the forestay. So there was a great feeling of irritation. I'm starting to think that the boat should be named Serenity Breaker.

At the meeting today though, I heard something that helped to put the frustration in perspective. On page 87-88 of the Big Book, it says:
"As we go through the day we pause,when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day, "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity or foolish decisions. We become much more self-sufficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not buring up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves. "

This made me think about the agitation that I had experienced during the day. It made a lot of difference in how I now thought about stepping the mast. Just to pause and breathe and not get caught up in being irritable. It will be done in time.